Tanginangbreaknasanka

Nasasaktan pa rin ako pero tanggap ko na. Does that make sense?

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kapag nasaktan ka raw, most likely i-i-inflict mo rin 'yung pain na 'yun sa iba. Feeling ko nga. Feeling ko kailangan ko munang mamanhid pagkatapos nito.

Hindi ko nga gets kung bakit ba biglang ang big deal ng pagkakaroon ng someone sa buhay ko e. Nabubuhay naman ako dati nang ako lang. Walang pakialam kung may lovelife o wala. Ang takot ko ngayon pati ba naman self-affirmation hahanapin ko na rin sa iba? 'Wag ganon.

Kailangan ko ng mga bagong hobbies, o di kaya bumalik sa mga dating hobbies. Kailangan ko rin yatang dalasan ang pag-uwi sa mga magulang ko. Kailangan ko rin ng bagong mundo.

Ang hirap din ng maraming pinoproblema ha, sa totoo lang.

Feeling ko maximum ko na yung six months sa isang sirkulo. Ang dali ko kasing masaktan at ang tagal mag-move on.

Kailangan ko ngang mag-excel sa isang bagay. Pero bakit wala akong motivation? Actually gusto kong matutong sumayaw. Matagal ko nang frustration 'yon. Pwede naman 'di ba? Ay pora. Haaaay. Trabaho na naman bukas.

Malapit na namana kong ma-deps.

Pota.

Shit, man

What do you know, it's Day 80! I can't express how proud I am with myself. This is awesome! And now maybe I am on that road to acceptance. The last 20 days and I'm still on track. Great job!

I should go to bed now. I wouldn't want to crash tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm Not Bitter

I guess it's time that I admit to myself that I loved you. I fell deeply in love with you. I fell in love with you on the night of December 18, 2013. The night I saw you in a different light.

I admit that I was really hurt. It was you fault, of course. But tonight I understand. It is a different world, yours. One that I can never be a part of. While she, perfectly fits in it. It is a world that I would never truly understand even if I say that I do.

Tonight, I am genuinely happy for you. You are a great guy and I do not want you wasting your time on me anymore. Same way that I can no longer waste mine with you.

And this applies to the other guy too.

Nothing but happiness to the three of us!

Shit

Death seems to be the easiest yet still difficult way out. I am left alone now, both literally and figuratively. With only P70 and things to buy for a shoot I've already committed to.

I am shit.

I don't really wish to disappear. I just want things to stop moving for a while, just so I can breathe.

I don't want to ask C for help anymore. He's already done enough and I haven't really given him anything in return.

I want to hurt myself.

Plain

I miss you. Or the idea of you. I miss you/it so much it's gnawing my insides.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit putangina ang sakit. Ang sakit-sakit.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin.

It might have been just one shallow thing, but it still crushed whatever self-esteem I may have left.

I'd really like to say that I'm pretty enough or that I'm talented or even just good at something, at least. But I'm not. I was born average and forever will be.

“We are rarely proud when we are alone.” ― Voltaire

Right now I feel like watching something. Because I am yearning to feel. Anything. I don't know what happened last night. I was cold. Because I was proud. I didn't want him to see my knees getting weak when he's around. I held back my words because I didn't want him to hear me stutter

And now, all my I-should-haves are stuck between me and my will to move. I already miss him.

Existentialismo

Today, when I got off the MRT, I felt a sudden sinking feeling. Why was I there? Why am I here? I looked around me and none of it made sense. But you know what it was beautiful. So yeah, I had never really dreamt of having a boring desk job while raising a family too early in my life and I never really got around to figuring out what I really want to do, but I do know that there is the need to do something for this world. Like an offer or a service or an ode. I looked around me and saw city sky scrapers, bustling cars, softened by a filter of gray from the cloudy weather, and I thought about what I wanted to do right there and then. I wanted to write about it or take a picture of it. Just something. There is no point of having all these if we can't create something out of whatever this is. 

So there, which is probably I appear to be a bit peculiar, which is also probably why I will never meet a decent man that I would want to have seven children with. I'm a dork.

Leave Me Alone

Right now what I really want is some peace and quiet. But my ex is playing the ukulele and keeps talking bullshit with my roommate.I wish I have some good heaphones. Now that's another thing I need to add in my long list of things to buy. Like I'm not poor enough already.

God. Really.

I'm in that mood. When I just want to do things I want to do by myself. Distrub me and I will wage a war.

Of course I can't really do that. 'Cause I"m a cultured, functioning member of society.

And really, I just want to listen to my music, But they conveniently decide to watch a fucking movie. A fucking loud movie.

Imma go smoke some weed.

Weather-Weather Things

And here we go again. This feeling of wanting to do a lot of things. The urge to dream.

Really, I believe that there are a lot of things that I can do. But not things that are good enough creatively. I'm sure I can get rich if I wanted to. Get a desk job at a big corporation, work my way up, the works. But do I want to do that? No. I like doing things that challenge me. Things I'm not good at. Things I know I can do without investing capital. Which is why I can't really do photography as much as I want to, I don't have money for a camera. Who knows though, maybe I'll do that someday.

I'm going to start saving up, maybe. It's hard to do that with a lot of side projects though. I don't really believe in saving up, is the problem. I believe in doing things in the now, for the now. I don't see the point of doing things for something that isn't here yet or anymore. I'm not sure if this is the right perspective. It probably isn't. But it's getting me by. And that's the plan, just to get on with things. Not go crazy and try my best not to kill myself, most importantly.

I wish I have more time though. I wish I have enough time for both work and thoughts. But it's always one or the other. I have to give up thinking when I have to work and I have to give up work to give some time to thoughts. Like right now. I just have to find a better balance, is all. Sometimes I just feel physically exhausted to even think so I just resort to sleeping or hanging out with friends.

Which is why this onset of the rainy weather is a bit helpful. It triggered feelings I haven't had in a while. I know I shouldn't be enabling this mood but oh well, I've always been hard-headed.

Breathe

Kasi tangina mo, i-reto mo mukha mo. Gaano ka-kupal ang isang tao para sabihin 'yon, 'di ba? I. Cannot. Imagine. But it happened. It did. Fuck you. I deserve better. You're shit.

Summerchild

It's Day 38. Or 37.

It's not his fault. I did this to myself. I was the one who kissed him and pulled him downstairs. None of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so manic.

But that's me. I fall in love with the first person who likes me. He was so nice and I bet he still is in some ways but just not to me. Because he realized he never really liked me in that way. It was just a spur of the moment hypersexuality thing. He caught me at the wrong time though. I was ready. I wanted someone.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you through that.

But you shouldn't had been an asshole too.

Now I guess I'm back with games.

-------

She's nicer. The girl next door. Can't say prettier, but takes care of herself more. She's a dream girl. I've always thought that she was a rebound. That you just wanted someone to play with after we were done. But now I realize that I am the rebound. The second choice. The booty call.

I shouldn't have stalked her social media. This is what happens.

Forget about her, she is not important in the equation.

Although it makes it easier for me to move on when I think about him having someone else.

Obviously I'm conflicted.

-------

And you. There are no more sparks. I wish I could still look at you and feel the same awkwardness, because that would mean there's still something there. But we're like old friends now. I think I love you more now and still care about you, but we know we cannot happen. Not in this timeline. How perfect that would be though. Just thinking of the things we can do together makes me happy. But nope, not in this timeline.

-------

And you. I'll forever enjoy that little youthful tension I feel whenever I'm around you. Yours were there the first pair of eyes I got lost in.

-------

No, I am not available for dating until further notice.

Day 6: Lumaklak ka ng realidad

I might be going crazy. I've been thinking about him 24/7 since. I am tempted to look at his profile page but scared of what I might find. Because I am still in denial. I refuse to accept that he has already moved on.

I want to text him but I fear rejection. I've been left behind too many times in this lifetime that I feel like one more rejection will send me to the asylum.

If he does reply to my text though, I wouldn't know what to feel. I don't think I'd be happy either. I just want to move on and focus on myself. I have nothing to offer him.

Day 2A: Naaalala kita 'pag nakadilat at nakapikit ako

Kailangan kong ulit-ulitin sa sarili ko na "Asshole s'ya, asshole s'ya, asshole sya." pero hindi ko alam kung naniniwala pa rin ako. PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Kinukunsinti ko lang ba 'tong feelings na 'to? May choice ba, pwede bang hindi maramdaman 'to?

So how do I cope without getting intoxicated?

So I Googled "heartbreak" and "bipolar disorder" just so I can see the possible ways I can deal with this without getting any more mental.

I'm not sure it helped.

I just have to be proud with myself that I was able to make such difficult decision. It was the wise thing to do. Yes.

Day Two: I see your smile everywhere! Gaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ang sakit in so many parts. Actually ang sakit all over.

Maybe I'm just crashing and that's sort of my fault but FUCK, it is not getting any easier. The positivity of yesterday is gone and the possibility of the future unclear.

I remember him in every song. My heart slowly breaks everytime I hear a tune. He was on my mind when I saw the sun rise and I'll probably remember him when I look at the moon.

He is fucking everywhere.

Now I do not doubt the 100 days. I do need time.

Our conversation that night keeps playing in my head and I keep second-guessing my decision and thinking, oh pride, your cruel, cruel thing. What if what I thought was the wise decision was just my ego talking? Because I wanted to have the last say. I didn't want to look like I was begging him to take him me back even if that's exactly what I wanted him to say. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand all through the night.

But enough, he said it, he wasn't ready. I can't do with that. There's no future there.

Why am I even thinking about the future?

Shit. God damn.

I have to stand by what I said and I have to remember how much of an asshole he was. And I have to remember that he's dating someone now and by what I am told, he even brings her food in the rehearsals.

ENOUGH, DEE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESE THOUGHTS. HE IS AN ASSHOLE, CORRECT?

Yeah. Right.

Day 1

I haven't been hurt this much by another person. And the stupidest thing is, I still like him. But I have decided--I'm through. If he doesn't like me enough to try and make things work then I'm done. I've been hurt too many times in this lifetime and I'm not willing to risk another for something that is not going to work in the long run anyway. I might be being too safe but hey, I've got my emotional health to take care of. I'm crazy enough as it is.

Today is the first day of my 100 Days to Moving On. A hundred days may seem too long, but those who have gone through the rollercoaster of a process called moving on would agree that it's a shitty long ride.. I shall lose feelings for him sooner than 100 days but to totally move on is a different challenge altogether. And also given my history of hanging on for too long in all cases, this would be probably the second most difficult challenge of the year, next to paying debts. I can't promise that there won't be moments of relapse--there will be a lot. But I shall try my best never to make the first move.

20 days of Denial
20 days of Anger
20 days of Bargaining
7 days of Depression (sorry, 20 days might kill me.)
Then Acceptance

This might be too ideal but I'm just throwing it out there. We'll see. At least I have found a way to amuse myself out of this crappiola of a situation.

Fact #1: I like him. Primarily because I chose him. I thought he was different. Isn't that always the story?
Fact #2: He might have liked me at one point but not enough to see it through.
Fact #3: If he shows just a slight hint that he still likes me, I'll come running back to him.

Let's be honest here, if Fact #3 does happen, I'd probably lose my mind. I should just remember not to invest any feelings. Just be cold inside. I can do that. I know I can. I've never but that doesn't mean I can't.

More importantly, do not expect and do not wish for Fact #3 to happen! Let's try to do this as less complicated as possible.

Let Day 1 begin.

kelan ba

Minsan mapapatanong ka na lang sa hangin, habang nakahiga, nakatititg sa kisame; kailan ba nagbago? Kukunin mo cellphone mo o mag-la-log in ka sa Facebook mo, babalikan mo 'yung convos n'yo, hahanapin mo; kailan ba nagbago?

Isang araw daw bigla na lang n'yang naisip, gusto n'yang mag-focus sa craft n'ya at sa sarili n'ya. Pero hinahanap mo, wala namang marka sa documentation mo ng buhay n'yo kung saan kaya nagbago. Excuse.

'Yung isa, hindi mo talaga mawari. Hindi mo alam kung pagsisisihan mong bigla kang nawala. Na siya ay bata at ikaw may mga responsibilidad ng isang matanda. Hindi na kaya ang mga dating pasulpot-sulpot na adventures.

Sana bumalik na lang ang lahat sa dati. Promise, ibibigay ko ang lahat, hihintayin ko ang sagot mo, at hindi ako papayag sa "keri".

Babay

Tulad ng kahit anong bagay na nakasama nang matagal, mahirap iwan basta-basta. Napagtanto ko, lahat ng desisyon ng paglisan ay may nakakabit na pait. Sabihin pang makakabuti, sabahin pang kinakailangan.

Pakiramdam ay tulad ng mga tanong. Sa akin lang kaya may halaga ang mga bagay? Ako lang kaya ang nakakaalala ng mga detalye tulad ng alikabok sa sulok ng pintuan? Minahal n'ya ba ako kahit kaunti, kahit minsan? Nagandahan ba talaga s'ya noong tinuro ko ang buwan?

Naaala mo kaya ang pagtakbo sa mauulang hapon? Ang biyahe ng bus papuntang rally? Ang pagkikita sa ilalim ng Philcoa overpass?

Papunta ako sa 'yo ngayon, para kumuha ng maleta. Pati paglisan ko ng bahay sa 'yo nakasalalay. Ano ba 'yan.

Just like the old times

I wish I can write
Sing
Dance
Take beats
From the heart

Meet the sun
With a new string of songs

Maaari ba akong umiyak lang ngayong gabi?

Ang problema, pati pag-iyak hindi ko na makuhang gawin. Hindi ko na kayang gumalaw. Pwede bang hindi na? Pwede bang tangina ng mundo ayaw muna kitang makita?

O pwede rin bang nandito ka na lang sa tabi ko? O sige, kahit sumaglit lang sa isang araw? Kahit saan, kahit papaano, kahit kailan. Pwede bang marinig ko lang na ika'y akin pa rin? Na ika'y hihintayin pa rin? Sa kabila ng lahat, iyon lang; ikaw lang.

Clean slate

Everything that has to end hurts.

99 problems

It feels weird to be happy. I need to gain my ground again because it's going to be a whole day's work tomorrow. There's still a lot of things I have to do for this prod and I shouldn't have smoked.

The only thing I have to figure out now is money. Where and how do I get fast money?

Oh well. I'll leave that for tomorrow. Good night.

Fleeting happiness.

It's Friday night and all your friends are at your ex's birthday party

No one and nothing else in the world.

Cellphone rings.

"Hi! Where are you?"

"I just got home"

"Are you going out tonight?"

Kind of planning to kill myself actually. What's up?

"Nah, I'm tired. Are you going to my ex's party?"

"I don't think so. You guys are not going anyway."

"No, they're going! You MUST go."

"Really? Alright, I'll call them up,"

Call ends.

There's nothing to hold on to.

"Hi, baby!"

Nothing.

Hopelessness. It's the worst feeling in the world.

"Where are you?"

"Just finished with rehearsals. Why?"

Can you come over and kill me?

"Nothing. Just bored."

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

No reply.

It's the end of the desert.

"Hey, baby, sorry if I haven't been replying to your texts. Awful lot of things to do. :( Good night. See you soon!"

"It's cool. :) Good night."

The fish is dead.

Basag trip nga

Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be like Antigone?

I made the effort of going to where P is tonight. I was hesitant to go only because I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday because so typical of me, I forgot to bring my toothbrush. But I had to. And I didn't know what to do. He is mesmerizing and perfect and wonderful and I am this. I am average. I am an intimidated commoner in love with a masterpiece.

I liked a status of his on Facebook for the first time tonight. Just to show that I care. It's a small gesture yet also a grand one on this day and age. People take these things seriously. I hope I don't push him away eventually.

I am sleepy and hungry. The healthiest thing to do would be to sleep and yet here I am.

Must take better care of myself now. Good night.

Online

Tangina, I am so frustrated with where this is going or with not knowing where this is going. How can the person you like be online and you do not talk to them? Maybe I just need to distract myself because obviously he already is distracted. This is what I hate about dating theater people, because I don't get them. I also don't get musicians. And writers. I get filmmakers. Now there you go. Film it is. Or maybe I should expose myself more to theater to help me understand.

He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--

And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.

It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.

I SUCK SO MUCH.

Friday Morning

Good morning. You're still the first thing on my mind. That's okay, this is not new. I experienced the same thing with B and F. I just don't want to be left hanging. You can tell me if I'm being clingy, or if you can't text me as often as you used to, or if you don't want this anymore. But don't leave me hanging. Communication is important to me.  And if you can't give me that, this isn't going to work.

Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)

Just Because

I have made the baby step towards productivity by writing my To-Do List but I can't get through the day without writing about you first.

Because I like you. I like you not because we kiss, or hug, or have sex. I just like you. Because you take my breath away and fill my lungs with sweet air at the same time. I like you not because I think you can fly. I like you because you walk. You run. You dance. Just like I do. I like you not because you are the Sun, but because no matter how gloomy things would get, I'd still think the sun shines out of your ass. Not because we enjoy dinner conversations, but because we enjoy (devouring) our food in silence without feeling awkward about it. Not because you look good and every girl wants to be with you, but because I want to be with you and do everything with you.

Afternoon D

I need to focus on work. No more dilly-dallying. I need to earn enough money to get me through this life. Really, because I also need to start spending on therapy and meds again. My early part of a year is usually spent on the arts and that's what I intend to do again this year. In order to sustain that I need to be able to support myself financially.

So no matter how down I am right now I know that I need to move. I'm really sleepy and I feel like giving in to my mood but I know that I can't. Maybe I should start with walking around the campus, and maybe even go for a run. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish something after.

In love and still bipolar

P and I were supposed to go on a lunch date today but he woke up late so we rain checked. I don't mind, I know that he's busy and exhausted from everyday's rehearsals but I just thought it would be my little bit of feel good to see him just for a second, to get me through the day and even the week.

I imagine if I was in a better mood I would have insisted that I see him before his rehearsals even without lunch, but I'm down and have no capacity to make such happy decisions. I know I underestimate myself but I have learned that the best way to deal with this mood is to let it pass and just do my best to survive while I'm in the midst of it.

Maybe I shouldn't pour out my feelings to him so much yet. I don't want to scare him off. Everything in proper time.

Also, I have so much work to finish I really can't afford to stay here and wallow. I'll probably just end up watching Downton Abbey. Problem with my parents' house though is the shitty internet connection that I will have to make do with because really, I have to get my shit together and petty problems like these should not even deserve a spot in this blog.

i wish the weather would just clear up for a few days. I need my sunshine to recharge. I need my focus, my super-working-power.

Oh dear, I wish I'm making the best decision right now.

And I really have to start filling out my mood diary and also just grow the fuck up.

P has been nothing but good to me and I miss him every minute of every motherfucking day. And I don't want anything else in the world but to come home to him every night.

But I still think about B, and all the moments we had. My craziness that only he, up to this point, understands, because he can be just the same. The late cloudy afternoon runs and endless talks. The time he held my hand but I chose to let go before it even happened. The long bus rides, to and from our hometown. The lone times at one house party and another one. I felt it then. I know I didn't imagine them, the sparks.

I sometimes also think about F, His kiss, his skin. The way he makes me laugh. The silence. The way we hanged out like we were best friends, and more. His sweetness and sometimes, immaturity. I'd like to hang out with him again, as friends.

Monogamy

I don't even know why
I still think about you
and you
when I already have you

Star

when something is too good to be true
do you just pass it off as that?
or do you embrace it
give it a chance
it might be worth it and though sometimes it's too much
that it might hurt
a lot
you still hang on that
this
little bit of sunbeam
will be yours
until the world goes dark

high

a hot guy is sleeping next to me right now then xx's intro comes on on 8tracks. i want to rape him so bad.

G just asked me when's the last time C and I had sex. I'm feeling anxious.

If there's anything I'm thankful for...

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

26. First date(?).

I realized that the reason I can't sleep is I have a lot of things on my mind. I have to go pick up my check tomorrow and then figure out how to get one more ID and then go to the back and then head to QC. I hope I finish early. I'm already anxious as it is. There's a possibility that things might not go well tomorrow but we'll see. I don't have anything planned but seeing that we don't have that much in common I'm not sure what we're going to talk about. These are things that were easy with B, and even with F. But P is just different. I like him though so I'm willing to give it a shot. If it does fail, well...

Press Start

It looks like he likes me after all. And I'd like to see more of him.

He doesn't like you, just your rack

I figured I'm sober enough to revisit last night's text messages. That's when it dawned on me. He only liked me last night. Last night was too good to be true, so is he. So I missed my chance for a lustful night. But maybe it's better that way, yes? I wouldn't want any trouble between him and F as they're close friends.

Sometimes I'm so daft. Especially with these things! Nobody told me that I was supposed to take him home. Well, G apparently told me in his text but I was too drunk I don't remember!

Oh, well. Guys these days. So he didn't really like me. He just wanted me for the night. I see that now. I wish I could have known it sooner.

Me and my grandeur dreams of romantic love. Tss, mania. I always end up embarrassing myself.

Minsan

Madalang at madalas, ang labo ko.

19

No, I can't play this game anymore. I'm ending it on Thursday. I need a fresh start for the new year. I will miss him, terribly. I shall cut my hair. I'm sorry that I have to get you involved in this, hair. I have to put an end to this, in three days' time.

Complicated

You make me happy that every moment we're together feels so significant I refuse to believe we're just tiny specks in this universe. I never expected this to last forever but lately I've been wondering, what if we try? What if I ask you to choose to be with me? Will it happen? Or will all my apprehension be proved right? I don't know which would hurt more, if you do not choose me or if you do and it doesn't work out. I shouldn't have let this come to this. I should have just left it as a game. Wait, It can still be. It's not too late. I can still turn back and play again.

Okay. I have decided that we're going back to the game. You'll be my sweet little escape and I'll be your no one.

2:59

No, I can't focus on work. And because I can't focus on work, all I can think about is him. Because what else is worth thinking about if not the idea of love?

Few minutes from now, the girl in Area 2 will be staring out of her window, and she will be hearing someone sing, "Dahil mahal, mahal na kita..." and at that same time, I will be in my room, thinking of you, and the day you told me that story.

Part 2

Biyernes, 8:30 nang gabi.

Alas singko y medya ako umalis nang Makati ngunit kakarating ko pa lang nang Philcoa. Tinext ko kaagad s'ya na hindi na ako makakahabol sa kanyang play na alas siete pa nagsimula.

"Bukas ka na lang manood," reply n'ya.

Sumakay ako ng tricycle at bumaba nang Sarah's. Nakiupo ako sa lamesa ng mga nakitang kaibigan.

Bandang alas-diyes nang gabi nang tinext ko ulit s'ya.

Ako: Daan ka dito after.
S'ya: Saan?
Ako: Sarah's
S'ya: Oh. Di ko na kaya. Uwi na ako.
Ako: Daan lang sana. :) Pero oks lang. Ingat. See you.
S'ya: Thanks.

Paalis na kami ng kaibigan ko nang may lumapit na lalaki mula sa kabilang mesa at nagpakilala. Wala rin talaga ako sa mood kaya magalang kong sinabi na paalis na kami at may pupuntahan pa.

Naisipan naming dumaan muna sa Tomato Kick dahil anniversary party ng Bookay-Ukay bago umuwi. Isang mabilis na ikot lang, sabi namin.

Pagdating namin sa Tomato Kick, nakita namin ang isa pang kaibigan.

"Sinong kasama mo?," tanong ng kasama ko
"Kami-kami," inisa-isa n'ya ang pangalan ng mga kasama n'ya at nakaramdam ako ng kurot sa dibdib ko nang mabanggit ang pangalan n'ya. Nandoon s'ya. Pagkatapos n'yang sabihing uuwi na s'ya, nando'n s'ya.

Nagsimula kaming maglakad ng kasama ko para ikutin ang lugar nang makita ko ang isa kong kaibigang lalaking matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Napasigaw ako at yinakap ko s'ya nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lamang at nando'n s'ya. Kumuha kami ng beer at kahit pang alam kong nadaanan namin ang lamesa nilang magkakaibigan ay hindi ako lumingon.

Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagtagal ay umuwi na rin sila.

Nag-usap pa kami ng kaibigan ko sandali at umuwi na rin ako sa bahay ng kasama kong kaibigan.

Walang message sa Facebook o text mula sa kanya.

Hanggang kinabukasan ay wala pa ring pagpaparamdam. Last show ng play n'ya kinagabihan.

Nag-text s'ya nang alas-sais nang gabi kung manonood ba ako.

Halata ang galak ko noong nagkita kami ngunit akward na mula roon. Hindi ako nagsasalita at maikli ang sagot sa mga tanong n'ya. Patapos na ang intermission at nagpaalam na s'yang babalik sa loob.

Sa kanya ang huling play na ipinalabas. Mahusay ang direksyon ngunit hindi ko masabing ganoon din sa pagkakasulat, ngunit hindi naman sama--hindi talaga. Sa dulo ng play ay biglang tumugtog ang "Dancing with Myself" ng Nouvelle Vague. Tumawa ako nang malakas, mabuti na lang at nalunod ito sa ingay ng palakpakan sa paligid. Pinatugtog n'ya ang original ni Billy Idol noong magkasama kami ilang araw lang ang nakararaan, habang nasa bahay s'ya at tinutulungan kong gumawa ng assignemnt. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin--na tinulungan ko s'yang gumawa ng assignment at naaalala ko ang pinatugtog n'ya noong gabing 'yon.

Pagkalabas ng teatro ay tumambad sa amin ni Carlo ang malakas na ulan. Wala kaming nagawa kundi tumayo sa isang gilid at nagsindi ng yosi. Maya-maya ay lumabas na rin s'ya, kinakamayan at binabati ng mga tao sa kanyang play. Lumapit s'ya sa 'min at tinanong si Carlo kung anong tingin n'ya. Isang yosi ang lumipas at wala akong natatandaan sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, pakiramdam ko ay 'sing cerebral ng kakapanood lang naming play ang naging usapan. Ngunit walang puwang ang katawan ko para sa utak noong mga panahong 'yon, masyadong maingay ang tibok ng puso ko. Bago pa man sumabog ang dibdib ko, nagpaalam na kami. Yinakap n'ya si Carlo, pagkatapos ay ako. Hinalikan n'ya ako sa pisngi. Maligaya akong naglakad sa ulan pabalik ng sasakyan.

Peace by Piece

I wanted to write a positive post about getting through one of the worst weeks of my life. I had survived in the past and I did it yet again even when I thought I wouldn't. But I can't write that post. I can't because the night is humid on a December, I'm in my room but I don't feel like so, I have a job that I should have finished only ten thousand years ago, and all I could think about is this guy that I'm overly infatuated with.

First, I do not understand, but I guess I do, what the fuck is wrong with the fucking climate. (Sometimes I hate using the F word to emphasize something but this just means I'm being lazy.) I like sunny days but not on days like this. Days like this means sharing my room with someone else, not having the privacy of pouring out my heart on my blog because my roommate's here, beside me, watching the third season of Face Off, while I can't even watch or listen to anything because she's not wearing headphones and I do not have one. So here I am, having an overly active imagination on a humid Sunday night, again, on a December but can't do anything about it because, again, I do not have the privacy to.

Next, I cannot start on my work because I cannot focus because I cannot empty my head (and heart) because, again, I am having an overly active imagination on a... you get it.

Finally, I don't think I'm in love. I am just choosing to be. Because life is hell as it is and it wouldn't hurt to have something to look forward to. I'll deal about the "real deal" and objectiveness later on, I just want to give myself this at the moment. I know it's not a wise decision and I'm just creating (more) future (intense) stressors but--just but, I have no excuse.

And if I am not in love, what exactly am I? I am exactly in denial that I have liked B for a really long time but haven't done anything about it because he obviously doesn't feel the same way and on some drunken highschool-like dare on a drunken Friday night I told him I like him and I don't care I will forget about what happened no actually I will not forget about it I will laugh about it like it's one big joke but is that how you deal with something like that? No. I think I should own up to it and never mention it again. Besides, I really like F. Now I wonder, if I knew that F didn't like me back would I have still chased after him? But I did. I chased after him, didn't I? Anyway, the truth. The truth is I am so scared of being alone that I am willing to throw myself to the first person I like who also likes him back even though it means that he has a girlfriend and there's no chance of any form of emotional commitment. Thank you.

About Q.C. though, I have just  realized, yes, about 5 seconds ago, that it has all come down to the choice of friendship. Who do I love more? AND IT'S KILLING ME. Can we just go back to the way everything was? I promise I will do everything in my power to make Q.C. happen if only we can go back to the way things were before that incident at K-9.  PLEASE.

Life goes on

There's nothing noble in quitting, it's in knowing when.

I'm back to summer. Me, my blog, new music, and a few online friends. I don't know why the cosmos hates me this year but I have to do something for it not to next year.

I really have to start writing that script.

And I miss him.

Switch the Flip

I feel like I have to get this off my chest before I start working again.

This is the only thing I know. This is what I think I do best. If I'm not doing it right then it means I don't have anything to live for.

See, it has taken me a long time to get to this. I've tried almost everything. Took odd jobs, non-credited courses in college, tried learning new things, but to no avail. Now I have this, it's not much, you can't even call it a career, but it is,  in one way or another, a job. It is something one has to do. It is the dirty work. To sum it up, in a production, I do the work nobody else wants to. To still come off as the bad guy is something I just need to accept. Because there is no other way.

But why was I affected when B told me that I'm a bitch when working? I try my best not to be. But I have to keep things in sync, else they'll fall apart. Or so I think. Maybe nobody needs me. Maybe anybody can do this job, they just don't want to. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I'm good at what I do.

I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't feel like killing myself but I want to quit everything and reinvent myself again. I'm good at that. No point in dying when you can live as another person.

Right now though I need to earn money so I need to get back to work even though my body doesn't want to.

I'll find something else to do. Maybe production isn't for me.

Thankfully Normal

I've made progress with my mood, I can say that. I no longer feel the dire need to go out, drink, smoke, run, do something dangerous and whatever else I could think impulsively at any given moment despite of however important my current task at hand would be. I feel more steady now. I wrote a little in my old notebook about not knowing where I am and other existentialist bullshit but it helped reflect and get in touch with what I really want and most importantly, realize what a big wuss I have been for the past days.

So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.

Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.

Missent Text

I don't even have the strength to write anything. I just want to disappear. I know I wouldn't have been affected as much or at all had I been not in this mood.

See? Now that I think about it, it was funny. I just needed to relax.

I'm just really, really in dire need of a drink.

Lazy Writing

• I seriously miss our prod group I can't joke about it anymore.
• I met with a stranger last Saturday.
• I don't think I'd meet with a stranger if I had a choice. Or if I had money. Or the balls to actually ask people out.
• Sometimes I wonder, is it worth telling someone that you like them even though you are sure that they do not like you back? If someone likes you, even if you do not like them, wouldn't you want them to tell you?
• I'm unstable. I need a strategy. I need to get better. Something steady. A routine. Focus on work. No more intoxication and feelings and dramatic fiction. Well, just a bit of dramatic fiction, I guess.
• Honestly, if given the choice to be in a relationship among the guys I like, I would choose none of them.
• I think there's little to no chance that I'd meet another person who would love me as much as my exes did/do. But I'm still really hoping that I would.
• I want to be ready for the right person. This is true.
• Right now, at this very moment, I know where I want to be. I will try my best to get there.
• I belong with my type of crazies. They get me.
• I didn't notice that I have had this knack of talking and meeting with strangers when I'm manic.
• I hope I do not crash yet. I need to work. I need to focus.

Sssssex

And my libido's really high right now. Just thought I'd share. I want to make sweet and violently romantic hungry love.

It's time to talk about my feelings

I have been unconsciously avoiding writing recently because I'm afraid that it would make more in touch with my feelings.

Last Friday was F's birthday so I was feeling a little emotional even there's no reason to. Good think I woke up late and got up even later. I greeted him through text and he jokingly asked for a gift when he replied. I told him only boyfriends receive shoes, flings do not apply.

A was busy with raket so we couldn't meet. I decided to jog eventually, asked B if  he wanted to come and was surprised when he said yes.

It was a good run. It felt like the good type of familiar. We were back to between three and four months ago; we just had recently gotten closer and amused with each other and the new friendship. Him probably knowing what I want but have no intentions of going there. It was a good evening run. I would have liked to still hang out afterwards but also knew we shouldn't. I'm being careful. I easily get attached and become clingy to people. It was just a happy moment to have ran with him.

Nobody was home so I texted G if he was in the area. He dropped by the house and we smoked. Lately people have been asking me if there was anything between us or why isn't there. I always told them that it's just that, I love the guy and I care about him, but never in a sexual way.

---

Last Saturday I went out with my roommate K and our friend Gy. I met up with a stranger after that. I did not like him.

---

Went straight after the date to C's apartment. We're meeting again now because he's going to give me money.

I'm a whore.

His Birthday

I am hurting. Not uncertainly, not by a little. I am hurting. Deep, without blinking, without pausing. Through and through.

---

I'm not sure if I'm mad at RJ because of what he said or because it was B who heard it. RJ said jokingly, "So what, you're going to have sex with F again?"

Afternoon

I should be taking a bath now or hanging newly washed clothes or folding my laundry. Instead, I feel like smoking a bowl and walking around UP. Yes, it is August once again and I don't really feel like doing anything productive. I just want to contemplate life and write.

I don't even have a notebook to write on. But I'll find something. If only I'd get the will to take a shower and get out of this house.

I think I should get a bit of cardio. Should I bike? I feel a little sleepy to do so though. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and figure things out when I wake up. I'll play a movie. And stop thinking about him. And the reply I didn't get.

Hump Day Sugod

Why do I still get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I see any indication that I'm just second-rate in his life; just on the sidelines ready to catch him whenever he falls this way.

He just posted something: "My Wishlist... :)" I know I'm being shallow and immature and creepy for reacting to something as trivial as this but my mind suddenly went "He was online just three hours ago but he didn't have the time to leave me a message or text me." and a sudden dark feeling dawned on me, I'm not part of his wishlist. He's probably wishing for a nice day out with his girlfriend, for a steady career, and good health. But not for me. He's not wishing for me. He doesn't have to because he knows I'll always be there. Fine, I might be overreading it but I'd be dense if I would say that he likes me enough. Because he doesn't. He just find me convenient. Not to brag and all--I don't even think it's something to proud of--but I have a way of getting some men hooked sexually. I know I can make them want me for the rest of their lives but nothing more than that, nothing beyond sexual.  Minus the sex, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. So maybe my friend RJ is right, F is being nice because he wan't something from me (i.e. sex). Sometimes though I still find myself hoping that it's more than that.

I can honestly say that I've had a great night. Past few days I have convinced myself that I'm on this mission of getting my bohemian life back. It hasn't ended up great the past few days but my patience and perseverance has been worth it. Last night was what I have been looking for. I intended to stay at the concert in Sunken for a while but my friend RJ has been bitching about a lot of things and I didn't want to be left alone with my "other friends." So I decided to also go home when he did. I was having a smoke with my housemate when my crush texted me, "Have you gone home?" It was an alternating scene of me getting kilig and my housemate urging me to text back and ask him if he wanted to hang out. So it ended with me going back to Sunken.  Him and one of our friends who is staying with him for the night left about two hours later and I was left with our other friends. We ended up at the house of one of them and went home at quarter to six.

See? My night's been fun. I was actually wondering on the way home if I still want F since I feel like A and I are having a good start. But look at me now, being all stupid and juvenile with this liking for F. I just really want him as much as I don't when I don't. I have no ideas how to do this though. There is only my instincts.

Kadiri

I called him. I don't know why I did but somehow I got the feeling that everything was going to be alright once I've talked with him.

I'm not sure though if that phone call helped. I still don't know what to think. Maybe I'll see him next week, maybe I won't.

---

So the above post was for yesterday. I am such a clingy brat. This has got to stop.

The Cost of An Infatuation Not Worth It

I have just come to the realization that F is not worth it. But maybe for the last time I'd do something sweet for him. And maybe give him M&S chocolates on his birthday. But maybe that would be the last time. Just to play around. Or to make him want me. And not want him back just because.

Just maybe.

Sometimes

Sometimes it's okay to be busy when there's bullshit everywhere. Sometimes work is my escape.

What is this life I'm living, F, and Sepanx

I'm too tired to post anything and it's been like this for a while.

I'm not in the mood to do anything.

The only thing meaningful that comes out of my mouth everyday is "I'm tired." So I guess that defines my life these days.

I am so infatuated with F. But wasn't I with B just a few weeks ago?

I miss talking to my friends. It was so easy when I could talk to them everyday and see them almost everyday.

I miss my Self. I miss everything that I was. I miss being content with where I was. I miss not wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else.

Maybe I do not miss F entirely but I miss the relationship I've built with him.

I want and, I guess, need to be able to start going to my Pdoc again and resume taking my meds.

Wake up, self

You should start taking care of yourself soon or you will fall apart. It might feel like you already have but believe me you're not there yet, but don't wait for it. Do something about it.

Iskeydyuling

Hello, do you know where your brain is? Right now you are fixing your sched. Today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday.

Tonight, before you sleep, you must have been able to:
-E-mail your PM with details
   -Corrections on program
   -Schedule
      -Tuesday meeting
   -Other assignments (refer to notes)
   -Her assignments
-Search for mirror pegs
-Update Duberri pages
-Email Kyle for her assignments

Tomorrow, when you wake up, you should immediately:
-Check email
-Follow up on Gelbert
-Do Wagas laundry
-Follow up on everyone else for the meeting
-Follow up on Rodgil for the script
-Follow up on Lumad
-Get in touch with Elmer of GPF
-Ask Melai what time you should pre-prod and reply to Aleli

You should set your schedule for:
-a meeting with Cinema Supremo peeps
-Bendor
-Blue Bustamante

Tomorrow afternoon you have:
1pm - meeting with Paeng
3:30pm - tentative meeting with Gelbert
5pm onwards - have to PREP for WAGAS.

Tomorrow evening you have:
7pm - meeting with Sarah
8pm onwards- - PREP for WAGAS

On Tuesday, Nov 12 - WAGAS SHOOT
After pack-up - QC SPONSORSHIP LETTER

On Wednesday, Nov 13
-GPF Deadline for everything
-FINALIZE QC EVENT DETAILS
-DUBERRI DAY

On Thursday, Nov 14
-WALA PA. PROBABLY GPF. And things you weren't able to finish due to procrastination.
-Tentative meeting with artists

On Friday, Nov 15
-GPF Videos deadline, presentation of title cards, song, etc.
-Send out QC invites and letters

On Saturday,Nov 16
-Vee's Pool Party!

On Sunday, Nov 17
-Wala pa!!!

OKAY NA MUNA SIGURO 'TO FOR NOW OKAYYYY

*

I was going to write something. But I forgot what it was going to be about.

I realized

While you're young, waste your time. Especially when you're still a student.

I don't know what to make of this day, or this week. Whatever it is I think it helped me take a step back and look at things at a bigger picture. Or have I done that already? Wait, I ought to do that.

My tita sent me a long message long ago and I'm just replying now. It's the mercury retrograde so what the hell, let's do what we can while it still got its power on us.

My X: C

All I asked was an apology and he couldn't even give it to me, when he ripped my soul into a million pieces. Can you sue someone for being a asshole? How can things like this go unpunished? Isn't pushing someone out of their wits to the point of taking their own life considered a crime?

Me today

I should be working right now but instead, I feel like writing poetry though no topic comes to mind. Like I know how to write poetry. Right.

Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.

The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.

Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.

I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.

So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.

I promise this is my last post for tonight

Together

We ran away

Leaving this World

the Love, the Hurt, the Dirt.

We made our Own.

Something not in any word

Our gold and silver pieces

The rush of water, our fountain;

and the soft hum unknown

Pulling back

forevermore and only to us

the gentle strokes

Silently

where secrets are felt

and the skin whispers
eluding Time

Nightmares

My mood today is relatively okay as is the past few days but I've been having nightmares again. Also, I feel like I'm near the brink of depression again so good luck to my week.

Two weeks ago I crashed. Two Fridays ago, it was so intense I thought I was going to go crazy. The last time I felt that way was I think summer of this year. So I forced myself to go on a short break and went home to my parents. Things became better after that so now I'm just waiting for the next bout with depression.

I hope I survive this week. Just too much on my plate.

And I hope I get some money soon. Whew.

impossible

i want to reach out to you
hold you
stroke your face
but i'm too ashamed
of myself and what i did

on the other hand,
i'm too scared
that if i let pride win this
i would lose you forever

i thought i didn't believe in regrets

Back to Basics

The last time I got mad, as in my type of mad was when I was still with C. After months of being stable, albeit not without its imperfections, I got mad again when I was with C again. We weren't together anymore but I was with him when it happened and consequentially, was also because of something he did. Without my noticing, I have stayed mad for well over a month.

Thanks to retrograde, I allowed myself time to think back and reflect on my attitude. I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to go back to what and who I was during those in-between months. I want to be zen, albeit not without its imperfections.

I don't like what I've become so I'm choosing the better. I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt during the past month. To everyone I've scolded, everyone I've said hurtful words to, everyone I've given the cold shoulder. I want to be better.

I have neglected a lot of things and a lot of feelings. I'm going to be better. I will do this.

I want to write everyone a letter. So maybe I would.

----

Dear FBI,

Ang dami kong naiisip nitong mga nakaraang araw at na-realize ko na hindi talaga naging maganda ang aktitud ko sa maraming bagay simula pa noong nakaraang buwan. Marami akong napabayaan at nakalimutan. Higit pa sa gawain, nakaligtaan ko ang higit na dapat pinakabibigyang-halaga, ang mga tao.

(Mahabang kuwento. You can TLDR this part.) Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon ng "pag-aayos" at "pagpapagaling" nung summer, bumalik ako sa QC (as in the place) nang buong-buo at stable naman, though hindi perpekto. Feeling ko naman bumalik ako non sa bahagi ng sarili ko na mas gusto ko. Napanindigan ko naman yun for a time. Haha. Ilang buwan din akong steady, hindi nagagalit sa kahit na kanino o kahit ano, maganda ang attitude towards life, hindi malala ang mood swings, wala ring episodes, until naging toxic ang buhay ko nung September at, di ko naman maikakaila, nagkaproblema ulit kami ni Carlo, bukod pa sa halu-halo at marami pang ibang mga bagay. Hindi na ulit ako nakabangon mula don, ngayon ko lang naisip, nang magkaroon na ng kahit papaano ay konting pahinga. Lagi na akong iritable, puro trabaho, stressed, toxic bilang tao, at sa isang banda, 'yung pangit na ugali ng pagiging adik sa GTD (Getting Things Done).

Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa lahat kung hindi naging maganda ang asal ko at lagi na lang naka-focus sa katuparan ng mga bagay-bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko kayo nakakamusta o kung nakakamusta ko man kayo ay kinulang sa pakikinig dahil bumaba na nang bumaba ang EQ ko. Tangina lang. Salamat din sa pasensya,  nandyan pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon.

(GM up to this part only)

B,

Wait, biglang wala akong masabi.

Rob,

Salamat sa pagiging parating andyan! Bukod sa mga araw na bumo-boyfriend duties ka. (Hiwalayan mo na kasi.) (Joke lang.)

I'm back in my comfort zone

I need this time to just be. This is the most peaceful as I can get these days so there. And anyway, I missed Bumblebee. A laptop still feels like a laptop, temporary. It's not for long writing sessions. I can babble about not being able to use public computers for as long as I can remember because I just couldn't. I thought it was because I felt like my privacy was being invaded but I just realized that it was more than that, there's an attachment and feeling of familiarity and comfortability blah, blah, blah...

Anyway.

Remember F? I wrote a creative non-fic prose (and a bunch of other stuff) about him. I intended to chronicle the events as they happened but wasn't able to because, again, laptop. So now that I'm back on my reliable desktop, I think what I would really like to say is that I miss him.

I know that we weren't meant to last a long time but I miss him way more than I thought I would. It even hurts quite a bit. Also, I know that it was my fault. I would like to tell him that I'm sorry for being the bipolar that I am and that I miss him and that I like him, I really do like him but I can't do that anymore. It's too late. All I can do now is hope that when we see each other again, I will be able to hold him tight and he'll know.

All Saints' Day

Why is this day for saints anyway when it's about remembering the dead?

"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." -Mr. Carson, Downtown Abbey, S04E04

"What matters isn't the fact of dying or when you die. It's what you're doing at that precise moment.” -Le Herisson (2009)

"We always think there's going to be more time. Then it runs out." -The Walking Dead, S01E06

And that Dumbledore quote about having a well-organized mind.

Happy All Saints' Day, it is.

Hello Wednesday

I broke down last night. C called and was bugging me to tell him what happened. Being as he is, he pushed me to an episode. I cried the hardest in a long time and couldn't breathe.

I need more time for myself, to reflect and heal. I am seriously mad at C but I can't do anything. I hate him with all my heart.

I'm not sure what my mood is today but my body hurts and I don't want to move. Well, I guess I haven't gone back up yet.

Cortisol

I was in an intensely foul mood from Sunday to yesterday. Today, I'm still easily annoyed but don't have the will to move. I'm supposed to go for a run but I feel so lazy.

i told myself i'll write tonight

then again, i also told myself i'll take a shower before i go to bed

Intensity 7.2

The past few days have been unbelievably crazy. I miss having a steady life.

I miss F. and talking with M. And flirting with B.

Murphy's Law

I miss you. I like you. Please talk to me. And I am allowed to be pathetic because it's Thursday and I'm depressed.

I have a shoot in about 4 hours and I want to go to sleep but I can't because I'm in someone else's house. Dman, I'm tired. It's so hard to be tired when you're down. And you're always tired when you're down.

I WANT TO TAKE A NAP. HUHUHUHU.

Down Again

Pagod na pagod na akong maging bipolar. Eto na naman ako, masakit ang katawan, inaantok, wala na namang silbi. Kailangan kong labanan pero hindi ko kaya. Napabayaan ko na naman ang sarili ko.

Pagkatapos nito, promise, back to healthy living and getting proper sleep. And the weather isn't helping at all. It's been raining the whole day. Oh, summer, kahit gaano kahirap ang pakiramdam ng init mo I'd still choose you over a depressing rainy day.

Tangina, ang sakit. Bakit n'ya kailangang gawin sa 'kin 'to? Kupal. Tangina, ang kupal.

Di ko naman sinasadya, e. Nainis lang naman ako sa nalaman ko kaya ko nagawa o nasabi 'yon.

I think these feelings would kill me.

WTF, grow up

Because then again, two can play this game. :)

Luke Mejares

Last week was a lot of good things. F and some friends slept over, then there was that fun and easy event, then there was Boho with friends, and sleeping all day then QC edit, and F sleeping over, then R and B coming over. As expected, this week's something else entirely

Marami pa akong gagawin ngayong araw pero kailangan ko lang talaga munang mag-clear ng utak.

Napapagod na ako magtrabaho. Hindi nauubusan ang pagkakagastusan. Gusto ko munang mag-focus sa mga personal projects ko. Ayoko na munang may mabigat na dinadala. Hirap na hirap na rin akong mag-cope. Para ako parating may hinahabol, nakakahingal.

At oo, medyo nasaktan ako kay F. Kung bakit ba naman kung kelan nagdedesisyon na akong ibukas ang sarili ko sa isang tao ay bigla na lang nagkakaroon ng sabit. Sayang ang ininvest, gaano man kaliit. Sana hanggang doon na lang 'yon, sana 'wag na akong bumigay. Uulit-ulitin ko na lang sa utak ko kung bakit nga ba ayaw ko na ulit sa kanya. Bigla talagang nagbago ang ihip ng hanging kagabi pagkatapos n'yang ikwento ang nangyari sa kanila pagkatapos ng shoot. Nakaririmarim. So ngayon hinahanap-hanap ko na naman si B, gusto kong magpa-comfort. TANGINA NITO. Bakit ngayon pa kasi? Pero buti na lang pumunta ako doon kagabi, mabuti at nalaman ko. Shet. Buti na lang hindi ako pumayag makipag-sex noong nakaraan. Shet. Ugh, ang dumi.

Kinakabahan talaga ako sa QC. Sana ma-pull off. As in the bad kind of kaba. Baka masyado akong nagmamadali at nangangarap na naman nang mataas.

Fuck heartbreaks. Akala ko okay na 'ko, vulnerable pa rin pala. Kailangang mag-ingat. Hello, A, ikaw na lang ang pinakamagaan sa lahat. I hope to see you pagkatapos ng lahat ng shit na 'to.

I NEED TO RUN.

Kailangan ko na sigurong magsimulang magtrabaho.

Unang Araw

should i give up or should i keep on chasing pavements

Because Heartbroken

He doesn't like me, at all. He said so himself.

I also don't feel anything romantic towards him but it's also definitely not completely platonic.

Our shoot got packed up. I am disappointed as FUCK times ten.

Keri yan. Kaya pa rin yan. Wooooo

tangina, hindi ko na kaya, ang hirap

Ano ba 'tong buhay na pinasok ko? Nananahimik ako sa isang sulok, e.

Gusto ko 'to, 'di ba? Ginusto ko 'to. LET'S GO, DEE!!! PEEDEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Tameme Thursdays

There. Are. Just. Too. Many. Things. To. Do.

How to Survive Life with Only P100: An Autobiography

Dahil Hindi Mo Ako Kayang Mahalin Kahit Kailan

Kailangan Ko Nang Umalis Dahil Huli na Naman Ako.

There's Something Else

Why are there no sparks between us? Though I still like you and I still want to be with you as often as I could. Could this be platonic? Maybe. Could I simply find you to be a soulmate? Maybe. We agree on a lot of things but today we disagreed on more. I didn't mind but maybe I've romanticized this and have put you in a pedestal for so long that I wasn't sure how to feel about it.

I'd still like to run on cloudy afternoons with you though.

Chronicling Depression

I had an episode today. I've been feeling down since Saturday but yesterday was the worst. I had to push myself though because I couldn't miss a shooting day, it was the last for that film anyway. I was sleepy and hungry the whole day, I would fall asleep anywhere and eat anything handed to me.

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling worse. I slept the whole day and despite the incessant feeling of hunger, I didn't get up to eat until 7pm.

Then I decided to clean my room to relieve stress and now I feel like I'm about to get sick. I still have a lot of work to do but I have to rest.

Bad Day

I must remain calm and not forget to eat, exercise, hydrate, and take a bath. I'd like to think that I can do this. I have overcome this in the past and can do so again today.

I know that I'll regret sulking and all I can do is wish that people would not judge.

Dear 3am

I missed this, just being with you.

Although I also miss him, being with him. Though I haven't been with him alone at this hour.

I long to enjoy you again, reading, writing, or watching old films with always brought me a different kind of peace and a good kind of solitude.

I'm done with one project but there are more. My soul is urging me to take a step back and rest but I know that I have to push myself to do more. Not because I am addicted to getting things done but because one important piece of life is creation.

To love and to create, as long as I live.

Pathetic

Okay. So nagnilay-nilay ako nang slight at napagtanto kong medyo pathetic 'tong pinagdadaanan ko. Therefore ititigil ko na ang pangungunsinti sa feels ko at hahayaang mangyari ang mga pwedeng mangyari. Kung wala man e di wala.

Tinatamad na ako kay F. Minsan natutuwa ako sa pagiging pa-girl n'ya (sexist ako minsan), kaso minsan naman ayoko ng alagain. S'ya ang pinakabata sa lahat.

Ayokong i-push si M. Ayoko lang. Nakakatamad at maraming kumplikasyon.

Si B? Gusto ko s'ya kaso hindi ko s'ya matantsa. E-effort pa ba 'ko? 'Wag na, dadagdag pa ako sa bagahe n'ya.

Gusto ko si A. Masarap s'yang kausap at magaan kasama. And at least may linu-look forward ako sa sembreak dahil sa kanya. Yikee.

Sometimes I wish you were at least 2 years older than you are right now

Don't get me wrong. I like you, you're perfectly beautiful, glitches and all. But I've got too much on my plate and I don't know if I could fit you right in, maybe by the edge, right beside pre-prod meetings and event plannings. See? That's my life, full of boring responsibilities, complications, and a bunch of adult crap. I'm too much baggage for your relatively young life.

Sometimes I feel like I should go back to my regular job, because really, I have nothing to prove, so what do I get from all of these production work? I'd rather stick to personal and passion projects than work for the pseudo-"New Wave Independent" film industry, much less for the commercial industry.

I swear I will get this new film project done and over with as smoothly as I can then I will go back to my regular programming. Do what I've always done and wanted to do, to live for life itself. I have so many things I want to do! I want to create! I think I've done enough helping people actualize their dreams, I should take a step for mine.

I'm sorry, self, for the title, was just thinking about him before I wrote the post and it evolved to something else entirely.

tangina my heart

morning: bursts of sunshine and tiny droplets of rain

westernly wind and
an urge to leap through the night.

Things were starting to dim when
"Come on over."

bass drum in syncopated beats

Most people have luxuries they can't give up; this is mine.

I like being young at heart. It's something that I would never grow out of and would never like to anyway.
--
This feeling is new to me again.
--
I want to start drawing and learn painting. I also need  my own camera badly.
--
I will forever associate the romanticism of bus stops to you.

Dear Doctor

I would like to give my sincerest apologies because I'm deeply infatuated. Please don't get mad. I didn't intend for this to happen.

I'm back

I miss going to the doctor. I have totally neglected myself and I recognize that now. I need to take care of myself more. I need to be with my family. I've been sucked in by the grandeur of youth. I must find balance.

Nevermind this infatuation I am supposed to be feeling but could no longer because I'm not manic. I must watch my mood and feelings especially when I'm manic. Being down, at least I know I'm down and I try my best to fight even if only in my mind, even if I could not. But being manic, I revel at how high up I am and forget.

So, fuck stress, fuck crushes, fuck drugs. Let's do this. Let's get better once again.

Dahil Gusto Kita

Ang gulo ng lahat, internal at eksternal, ngunit masaya ako kapag kasama ka. Sapat na ba 'yon? Handa akong maghintay hanggang ika'y maging handa; hahawakan mo ba ang kamay ko? Sana'y bigyan mo naman ako ng pagkakataon, hindi na baleng mabigo. Bigyan mo na ako ng sagot, hindi ko man matanong.

Ngayon lang ako naka-relate sa kantang Bakuran, utang na loob.

Ang huling dalawang araw na nakasabay kita sa biyahe ng bus

Kasabay nang paggiba sa lumang overpass ng Philcoa ang desisyon kong magpaalam na sa nararamdaman ko sa 'yo.

Noong araw na sabay tayong lumuwas mula sa Muntinlupa papuntang rally, sabay din tayong umuwi mula UP. Saktong-sakto, pauwi ako galing sa isang meeting sa Sarah's, ikaw mula sa org event sa Maskom. Nagkita tayo sa ilalim ng overpass.

--

Hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing una kitang napansin, galing rehearsal shoot, sa bahay nina CPG, sa harap ng book shelf.
Pangalawang beses pagkatapos ng shoot, sa apartment, nag-aagawan ng patutugtugin.
Pangatlong beses sa UP, pagkagaling mong 10K run. Proud ako kahit wala akong karapatan. Pumunta tayo sa lumang clay court.
Pang-apat na beses sa Sarah's, kakauwi lang ni Rob galing Cebu. Ang pogi mo no'n.
Lagi't lagi na kitang napapansin pagkatapos no'n.

May mga panahong akala ko ayaw ko na sa 'yo. Noong una dahil ang hirap mong abutin, pagkatapos ay meron ka palang ibang gusto. Pagkatapos ay ibang mahal.

--

Kaya ititgil ko na, at bukas ay iiiwan sa overpass.

pag may ibang mahal yung mahal mo

actually okay lang. ba't kaya. medyo hindi okay, pero okay lang. lamuyon? hahaha. di kasing devastating ng inaasahan.

haaaaaaaaaaaay, B.

okay, hanap ulit ng bago. hehe.

ikaw lang ang gusto

sa kinahaba-haba ng mga araw ko, natatapos lang sa pag-iisip sa 'yo, sa pag-alala sa huling usap natin, at sa pagninilay kung masarap na ba ang tulog mo.

the more you ignore me the closer i get

I miss writing as much as I miss reading second-hand books and watching Studio Ghibli films. I promise I will make time next month. This sould needs to be fed. And I need to have breakfast now.

do i wanna know?

hi i'm crashing
so many shit has happened
i don't even know what to write anymore

quick updates?
C and I are working together on an indie film. it wasn't by chance, i asked him to help. i know. i don't know. we're not getting back together, no.
went on a loc hunt with JN, went to zambales, subic, bataan. i want to go with her on the next trip but i have a shoot.
i have too many things on my plate. i pushed myself too far so now here i am, can't move. i'm trying my best though. i cooked a little dinner and will be starting meditation in a while.
my stomach hurts because i didn't eat the whole day ugh

anyare

hindi ko na alam gagawin ko ang pangit ng araw na to kelangan kong lumabas ng bahay fuck

hey yo

So, wow, pwede pala talagang mangyari 'yung iba ang kasama mo pero iba ang nasa isip mo. Ang saklap, ang sakit. Wala akong magawa. Tingin ko matutulog pa ako nang konti. Tapos magkakape siguro. Ewan ko. Eww, kape.

Papasok s'ya sa 10am class n'ya kasi may ini-event s'ya do'n na cute at wala, gusto n'ya lang i-share.