Two weeks ago, I was ready to say I love you.
For a while, we were okay. I thought that, finally, things would change. But hearing myself say these words now just makes me want to hit myself in the head. I've thought this too many times before, what made me think it would be different this time?
I don't remember what happened nor why I had a sudden change of heart. But I remember the feeling. I never forget the feeling. I don't remember what was said because I rarely talk back anymore. Whenever hurtful words are said I make sure it goes out of the other ear. Whenever I am hurt by your actions, I make sure to let it pass. No point in bearing unnecessary stress. So I let it go. But not the feeling. I just never forget the feeling.
Arundhati Roy said something about it in The God of Small Things, "When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do.They make people love you a little less"
I thought things would be better as long as I kept you on the edge and on your toes. That you'll strive as long as you weren't too comfortable. Man, I had really thought... Stop. I have to stop blaming my thoughts.
Ningas kugon.
Truth is, I don't want to talk about it anymore but we will, because you will ask--what happened? You were changing to a better person. You have a job now. You rarely go out with your friends anymore. I have no answer. I chose to forget it all. Except the feeling.
We're not even back to square one, we're way behind square one. And I don't know where we'll go from here. I'm just tired of fighting for something I'm not even sure of. For now, I feel myself slowly pulling away, yearning to let go, to move on, and to start over.
Too bad, I was ready to say I love you.
12.6.13
Some things happen in real life
I co-organized an event with a childhood friend last Saturday. We were grade school classmates and he's one of my last remaining contacts down south (Alabang-south). He currently owns a studio and is in a band with one of our former classmates. They were best friends then and still are.
Anyway, the event was last Saturday and things went well. Drank and smoked up, the usual. Except that it wasn't as hardcore as when you go to, say, a typical gig in B-Side, Saguijo, or Cubao Expo, where everyone's fucking wasted it goes past fun and back to not-fun.
I was supposed to be the host of the night but because, hello, this is me, I messed it up by being awkward and dorky. I couldn't even remember what I said and I even tried to smoke up thinking that it would give me more confidence and make me more talkative, because it usually does. All it did though was make me more jittery and forget what I was going to say. I couldn't say anything decent primarily because I was on foreign ground and I didn't know a single person in the audience.
I was saying things about who the previous band is, who the next band is, who the upcoming bands are, but what was going through my head was, "Hello, I don't know any of you. I don't know why I'm here. Where am I even? I don't know who the band that played was. I don't know who the next band is. Actually, I don't know any of the bands. Can I get out of here now?"
So after the second stint, I just stopped. I don't know which was worse, doing a bad job at hosting or quitting like a spoiled brat.
(My mood is coming down at the moment, so this post is starting to sound depressing, but Saturday night wasn't; it was just all things awkward.)
Well, life went on,.
Then it was time for my friends' band to play. My co-organizer was the drummer and our ex-classmate was the bassist. It was a challenging set for them because they couldn't hear themselves and 3/4 of the band were already wasted.
Anyway, it was before their last song I think when it happened. Their vocalist thanked me and at the same time decided that it would be brilliant to make fun of their bassist. It went something like this:
Anyway, the event was last Saturday and things went well. Drank and smoked up, the usual. Except that it wasn't as hardcore as when you go to, say, a typical gig in B-Side, Saguijo, or Cubao Expo, where everyone's fucking wasted it goes past fun and back to not-fun.
I was supposed to be the host of the night but because, hello, this is me, I messed it up by being awkward and dorky. I couldn't even remember what I said and I even tried to smoke up thinking that it would give me more confidence and make me more talkative, because it usually does. All it did though was make me more jittery and forget what I was going to say. I couldn't say anything decent primarily because I was on foreign ground and I didn't know a single person in the audience.
I was saying things about who the previous band is, who the next band is, who the upcoming bands are, but what was going through my head was, "Hello, I don't know any of you. I don't know why I'm here. Where am I even? I don't know who the band that played was. I don't know who the next band is. Actually, I don't know any of the bands. Can I get out of here now?"
So after the second stint, I just stopped. I don't know which was worse, doing a bad job at hosting or quitting like a spoiled brat.
(My mood is coming down at the moment, so this post is starting to sound depressing, but Saturday night wasn't; it was just all things awkward.)
Well, life went on,.
Then it was time for my friends' band to play. My co-organizer was the drummer and our ex-classmate was the bassist. It was a challenging set for them because they couldn't hear themselves and 3/4 of the band were already wasted.
Anyway, it was before their last song I think when it happened. Their vocalist thanked me and at the same time decided that it would be brilliant to make fun of their bassist. It went something like this:
"Oh, yeah, happy birthday to (name of some guy)! Also, thanks to (my name) of Makati (I'm not even from Makati.) She was our emcee for the night. (Pause.) They said that our bassist used to have a crush on him. (Loud cheering from the crowd.) (Gaddemit, thisisnothappening.) I don't know. That's what my bandmates told me. (Cheering, shouting, whistling.) (Keep smiling. Be a sport. Just keep smiling.) Is that right , (name of bassist)? (Crowd cheered louder.) (Bassist shrugged.) (Crowd and band still laughing.) (I was already dead inside but my face was stuck in an awkward smile.)"
To top it off, this bassist lost his balance and fell off the stage in the middle of the song. I know. The stage in the bar was barely knee high so he was able to catch himself from falling face down and in an attempt to regain his balance, ended up sitting on the edge of the stage. It wasn't that bad. Still, it was bad.
While it was true that he did have a crush on me, we were twelve, for crying out loud! He looked creepy then, I never hung out with him and rolled my eyes whenever I would catch him looking at me. Yes, I was a little bitch. But I regret all of that now; he's a really decent guy and currently in a relationship with a really beautiful and charming girl but that's not the point.
The point is, I can't seem to stop embarrassing myself. I do it so effortlessly. Scenarios like this look so adorable on TV but believe me, in real life, it isn't. It's all good fun though, so, 'til next awkward moment. I get one everyday anyway.
The point is, I can't seem to stop embarrassing myself. I do it so effortlessly. Scenarios like this look so adorable on TV but believe me, in real life, it isn't. It's all good fun though, so, 'til next awkward moment. I get one everyday anyway.
Oh, and somebody uploaded a video of what happened to Facebook.
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