Infinite

You know that feeling when you are immensely infatuated with someone and you keep on replaying your moments with him in your head? I've been getting the exact same feeling but not because of just one person like it used to. And the feeling is even better and higher than when it is about some boy.

I just need to write this down because I would never want to forget, exactly like I did when I was a giddy high school writing in my diary.

It was a lazy morning and I had second thoughts if I should go and watch Promdi, a play in the uni. I already had tickets and invited friends so I felt obliged. Only JM and H showed up but I didn't mind. Don't fall in love with a theater actor, it said in the play. Well, too late of an advice now, is it?

Area 2 for lunch, E and K came. Satisfied my longganisa cravings. E and K arrived. JM bought a grinder at the uni tiangge. Then we went to a tea place nearby to play CAH.

It felt good to have one of my closest friends JM hang out with my ex-roommates who I consider to be my second family. H left after a while to see a movie with her BF.

We decide to go to my ex-roommates' place (where I also used to live) to smoke some. E played this movie, "Chef," next thing we know, we were salivating all over the place. After Chef and Babadook, we went to see B in an Indo restaurant in the village, food was awesome.

Went to drink at Sarah's later. K and E stayed with us for one bottle and stayed home. CB arrived after a while and when the bar closed on us we decided to go to the uni's Science Complex. At first B and I were keen on the idea that we were going to walk our way to there but I backed out when I realized how freezing it was so we took JM's car. CB bought a bottle of rhum.

I remember racing with them to the center of the complex only to have lost because I had to remove my shoes. Then B ran back to where we came but nobody followed suit. I remember doing a cartwheel. Then walking towards where B was because he had the rhum and the water. I probably felt the spark then, but paid no attention because duh. We started drinking and I was the first to lie on the grass.

We were all lying on the grass, I don't exactly remember what they were talking about if anything, I was staring at the sky, which ironically gave me intense peace considering that it was covered with thick clouds from the looming storm. The moon was out and bright too. I don't believe in fate or destiny, but the night was meant to be like that, I just knew at that moment. The universe is made up of chaos, yes, but it throws you moments, and you have to catch it and hold it in your heart or else it's just going to fleet by and you would have wondered what happened to your life. The universe doesn't owe us explanations, but sometimes it likes to share, and it pays well to listen.

There was nothing else I could ask for in the universe at that moment. And I was in that moment, the feeling of peace and understanding, when B held my cold hand. I didn't mind. I thought the moment was already perfect, I wasn't asking for anything more, and yet the universe still gave me something. I didn't feel unworthy or guilty. I just felt grateful. It was the nicest hold of hands I have felt in my life.

I got snapped back from the sky's trance when B yelled to JM to take a picture of the four of us. He hugged me, and there you go, perfect moment immortalized. It might not have been long after when the uni guards/police came. We stood up in surrender to what we already expected to be part of the experience.

We went to the observatory after but didn't get in then to the grandstand but was seen by the guards even before we got off the card, so we eventually headed for the track field.

By then I already knew that the night was going to end soon. And it was just the right timing, we weren't feeling too tired and we weren't also longing for more.. We didn't even choose to stay for the sunrise like we usually did. We just knew that it was time to end it at the perfect moment.

Lately I have been learning to truly love, in all its ways. And that night, the little moments and their sum, that was love.

oh my god, you're a human, use your brain

i have so many rants that i can't tweet because i'm worried about my rep and all so i'll just post them here:


hi dear, when i/they tell you the venue, you don't ask where it is & how to get there, you google/waze it. this is a tip but it's almost SOP. xoxo

hi dear, if you can find the answer to your question by googling it, don't bother texting us. really. xoxo

hi dear, when we don't reply, we're not entirely ignoring you. there are just more imporant matters to attend to. believe me, there are. xoxo

Where have all the self-starting production assistants/coordinators gone? Oh yeah, they are the producers now.

10mb deck to 150mb, 2-month series of presentations, event's in 4 days, and you're asking us to still have our final presentation tomorrow. ozzum.

you want to add a segment but no addition in CE, is that right? great.

ayan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko

Yes, I'm going crazy again and yes, I'm at a crossroads again. I wish I have something better to say tonight, like I am inspired and I love what I am doing and this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

But truth is, I'm still looking for that one thing I would really want to do.

Problem with me is I have time to think! I should just get back to accepting my itsy bitsy role in this world. But I just can never be contented, can I?

sabi ko nga, okay lang ako

i know i should be reading right now instead of writing. i've been complaining about not having enough time to read or money to buy books but here i am.

i miss running. and i would love to climb a mountain.

i'm thinking of quitting smoking. seriously considering it this time. or really just smoke occasionally, socially. which is i think what i've been doing. will just try to lessen. like once a week. or once a month even maybe.

i'm growing more fond of watching than reading now. probably not a good thing.

#Prettygirlproblems 2

It's so hard to think of the future when you don't know what you should be doing in the present. It's so hard to write when you haven't been reading anymore. It's so hard to love yourself when you're not sure of who you are even. So let me try.

I'm a person who trusts my feelings more than anything else. Clear logic never escapes me, I always know what should be done but that part of the brain becomes secondary to the part that have been through all the bullshit, feels, adventures, and love. Quite the opposite of what others might think about people who act with their heart, I would never do anything that is  off the chart of reason; feelings does not trump logic. We just care more is all. I have been through years of dysfunction and enough self-reflections to know that pushing pragmatism in compromise of the emotional health can lead to literally deadly consequences.

Right now I feel like watching episode 8 of Homeland when I know the best plan of action would be: finishing work, taking a bath, do my errands, have a nice dinner with friends, then go to the meeting. The ideal plan seems very lovely but my mood just does not allow it because I would not allow myself to move. This impulse thing, I need to get over it.

I have been a bit down lately because of the changes in my life. Recent events have made me sensitive enough to hate one of my closest friends for his sexist remarks. Not very petty but no reason to end a friendship. I just don't feel like explaining to anybody. I just want to get on with my life for now until I find enough motivation to live again.

#PrettyGirlProblems

I'm not really asking much out of life. Or, I'm not asking beyond what it has. Whatever it is, I will drink and devour it. It is now what it is supposed to be and it should be better, fighting for this "better" is part of the Life. I'm not asking for a lot. I might not even be asking for anything. I'm just here to sail.

----------

I'm not pretty. I have a lot of insecurities, the biggest of which are my teeth. I regret that I even considered wearing braces. My teeth were fine as they were and I was often complimented with my smile. Insecurity pushed into wearing braces. Not pulling any bullshit though, I know that I don't look bad. I get admirers from time to time, the feeling's just not mutual most often than not and I've always had a boyfriend so I never really had any real experience with dating. I think I've grown up a lot in a few month and I am now more confident with myself to the point that I don't even take care of myself anymore. I love hanging out with my guy friends and I treasure all my platonic relationships.I love that I don't have to prettify when I have to be with them because there's no one to fix myself for, unlike when a girl usually has to be pretty because there are guys around, that kind of thing.

But a couple of months ago (I think), a guy friend 'fessed up about liking me. I honestly don't know what to feel about it because I don't like him in that way. Since then, I've been iffy around my guy friends and actually males in general. Like something has been tainted and that malice can be placed anywhere between the simple good mornings and late night drinking sessions. Plus, I have never really given my "image" a thought until this happened, including how I always hang out with guys. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I feel disgusted with myself. I know I shouldn't be made feel bad because I never really did anything wrong but I can't help feeling like this. Now I don't even know who I should be friends with.

A to the Double D

I quit. If I can't focus then I can't. I will just have to do all this shit tomorrow. I know I'm procrastinating and it will just add to the tons of things I have to do this week but what the fucking hell, my brain won't budge. I should start meditating again. This just won't cut it.

And I need to get my laptop repaired. It wastes precious work time.

Notes

I love you and I hate you. I don't know what to do with you.

---

Things are becoming more difficult each day for this year. I know I'm not getting tired of whatever this is I'm doing but

---

Grabe lang talaga, ang ganda ko dati, bakit ganooooon

---

I need to earn money and in order to earn money, I have to use whatever skills I may have. And seeing that I don't have a degree, skills are really all I have. What I need at this moment is HUNGER, I already feel too satisfied with the year that I don't feel the need to do more. I have to stop thinking about experiences in terms of year and start thinking about my age. I am already in my late twenties and there really is no more time to go slow.

This retrograde's main theme has been procrastination. I am already two weeks late with a script, and this has never happened before. I should give more worth to the opportunities that I have. I have been working freelance for about a year now and so far it has been exhausting. But there are bills to pay so I don't really have much of a choice.

---

Things are shit.

---

Mercury Retrograde 2014

This has been the most powerful retrograde this year. Kinailangan ko talagang mag-step back, mag-assess. Nothing seems to be moving much. Pero ngayon ako nakapag-reflect sa mga nangyayari sa buhay, sa paligid ko. At so far, okay pa naman ako. Walang pera, pero busog ang kaluluwa.

Fuckmylife

Gago, masakit. Pero pilitin nating hindi.

Masaya naman, at least alam kong gusto pa rin n'ya 'ko. At alam kong may hawak pa rin ako sa kanya kahit papaano.

Ngayon ko lang na-realize, hindi sila magkagalit. Hindi n'ya lang mahiraman dahil na-ospital ang nanay ni babae. Bobo ko, puta.

Dapat hindi ko binigay.

Pero okay na rin, hayaan ko na lang ma-miss n'ya 'ko. Tangina. Bahala s'ya sa buhay n'ya. Wala s'yang makukuha sa 'king kahit ano. Videography n'ya mukha n'ya.

Okay. Enough.

We've been sleeping together for two nights now. The second night weird.

I tried to resist on the first night (oh heavens, I did) but to no avail. I was ridden with guilt and promised that it would never happen again.

But when he came to my house unexpectedly the next night, I couldn't contain my happiness. There he was, standing at the bed of my feet. From the moonlight coming in through the window, he seemed like an angel offering everlasting peace, or a long-yearned for apparition of a lost loved one.

"I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia." Because I did, I didn't want to let go but I had to. You weren't mine and you cannot be.

So tonight when I went into my room, it smelled of rain, I lied down and thought about holding you like there were no walls between my bed and the downpour, And tonight I will fall asleep forgetting about this, waking up to stark sunlight, fulfilling the day without you. Always without you.

Making time

I have deadlines to beat and two shooting days to go for a full-length and a short, with the latter in budget-related disaster.

I also have pending distributing tasks for my last full-length and I am in 5-digit deep debt, with pride being a huge factor.

And I realized, it still hurts. Both do. I can handle things better now though, I just need more time. Both for myself and with other people.

Pop Culture

If I am going to define myself as a person, what would the 15 films be? Here's what I wrote down?

1. Fish Story
2. Ghost World
3. The Hedgehog
4. Kisapmata
5. Soy Cuba
6. Spirited Away
7. High Fidelity
8. Easy A
9. Dazed and Confused
10. How to Train Your Dragon
11. Ora Pronobis
12. Whisper of the Heart
13. The Godfather I and II
14. Pan's Labyrinth
15. punyetang Before series

I'm not sure with the last two. I might also include Totoro, but that's too obvious. Weird that there is no Disney film in the list? I like Beauty and the Beast and Mulan. But I adopted a lot of sensibilities from Mulan and values from The Lion King so they should be in that list too. I also saw Empire Records a lot of times on cable and yeah, that was and important part of my teenage years, even moreso than Almost Famous and Detroit Rock City. I've seen a lot of good films but not really as important to me as the above. If I should revise it:

Fish Story

Ghost World

The Hedgehog

Kisapmata

Mulan

Spirited Away

High Fidelity

Easy A

Dazed and Confused

How to Train Your Dragon

Ora Pronobis

Whisper of the Heart

The Godfather I and II

Pan's Labyrinth

The Lion King

Empire Records

punyetang Before series

Maybe Moonrise Kingdom should also be somewhere there. And if you would consider that Cheese documentary a film. Of course there's the Harry Potter series which is not really as important to me as the books so... And Shake, Rattle, Roll, Halimaw sa Banga, Patayin sa Sindak si Barbara, and Pa-Siyam were all my favorites. Also I'm still afraid of Freddy Krueger. My mom said I used to love ET and Ewoks. And maybe if I'm going to be totally honest I would include Freaky Friday, Parent Trap, and Mean Girls.

Alien

Minsan iniisip kong mag-quit na lang, tapos burn bridges. Tamang wala na lang akong pakialam. Ayoko na nitong mga ganitong bagay. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong problema ko pero heto na naman ako sa pangit na mood ko. Ganitong-ganito rin this time last year (o mas malala iyon). Ang bilis ko na namang mainis. Bukod sa wala nang pahinga, nakukulangan ako sa ibinibigay ng lahat ng tao. Hindi yata talaga ako para sa mundong 'to.

badtrip mammeh

oo badtrip na naman ako dahil tangina sana tantanan mo na 'ko tangina wala ka bang ibang kaibigan at talagang dito ka pa talaga sa malapit di ko talaga alam kung wala ka ba talagang EQ o nag-e-enjoy ka lang talaga makasakit ng ibang tao ilang beses mong ipinamukha sa 'kin na ako 'yung masama manipulative overreacting megalomaniac pero tangina mo hindi ako kasing sama mo bwisit ka iniiwasan ka na nga e bakit dinadalaw ko ba mga kaibigan mo kinukuha ko ba sila para sa shoot ko kapal mo rin e sana umalis ka na ng bansa or something hindi pa ba sapat lahat ng sakit tangina moooooooooo kahit anong sabihin mong hindi mo kasalanan hindi mo matatanggal lahat ng tanginang sakit tangina ka ilang beses mong pinamukha sa kin na masama akong tao ngayong maayos ako narerealize ko na tangina hindi ako yon dahil eto ako ganito talaga ako kapag wala ka hindi ako masamang tao sige babay enjoy tangina

Wala akong interes sa pag-ibig na hindi ko ikawawasak

Siguro katangahan, siguro dulot ng kabataan.

Were

I was going to talk about something then I forgot what. Ever since I stopped reading, I feel like I don't have the right to write anymore. I only talk crap these days and I know I'm not worth reading. 

I don't wish to become younger but if only things can go back to how there were before. I made more sense then than I do now that I actually have the chance to actualize my visions. I was better dreaming and thinking of things that I could do. I don't have anything to offer this world anymore. I am just a slave to other people trying to build their dreams.

But maybe I need to learn to be more patient. And maybe it will pay off. Of course there's also the chance that it wouldn't but I can't be bother into thinking that right now, else I will have a serious breakdown. I thought I liked doing this but every time I'm doing it, the only thing I look forward to is getting a break and boy, I don't think I'll be having one anytime soon. And boy, do I want one so badly. My life doesn't even have room for my crazy anymore. And I not being allowed to be crazy is what's been driving me crazy. It's difficult to explain but having to go against your body's will everyday is absolutely exhausting. And so said Sylvia Plath, "I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is."

Egad

So I fucking turned 26 today! Ain't that brilliant? I'm in my late twenties, yo! I have 24 hours to do whatever I want and I plan to watch Boyhood. Woooot!

Maybe I should be cleaning the house but I'm feeling too special for that.

I don't feel my age! At all! It's a great thing to grow older, especially when you know that you're where you're supposed to be--lost and searching. Also, I'm having the best of both worlds. The smug self-righteousness ("Ugh, kids/") of an adult and the whimsicality of someone still coming of age.

I'm going to be myself todayyyy, no holds barred, bipolar shiz or whatnot!

Older

I'm turning 26 in a few days and I still can't say that I have already figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm still living in the now and for some people that sounds really rebellious and reckless, but so far it has worked for me. Maybe not as well as what other would have expected from a 25-year old but I'm fine. I struggled a lot and lord, I still do, and still a lot. I'm just holding on really tight, even with only my little finger. This doesn't mean that I'm hopeful, this just means that I trust the now. I just do my best in everything and maybe I'll get there, maybe I don't, it doesn't matter because it is always the journey that is most important.

It's 3:30 in the morning and I know I should be sleeping or writing that godforsaken event script at least.

I'm just having problems with my ex. I really just wanted to remember something good but this is where we end up after all. I'm sorry, I'm not being selfish (hell, everyone knows I can be the most selfless friend), I just can't handle him. I can't even say I'm not strong enough of a person because I know that despite my crazies I know that I am and I know how many god-knows-what I have gone through in my life and look, I'm still here. But he just gets through me. We were together for a really long time so he knows which buttons to push. I don't know why he doesn't realize how much he affects me. I mean, he had me when I was 20. The early twenties are the most formative years of an adult's life and it is when they are most sensitive and vulnerable. Their environment, the people they hang out with, the things they learn, and the culture they pick up during these years are what sticks to them all through their life. Their future likes and dislikes, values, morals, have their foundation set on everything they consume during this age. This is also the time that a person experiences the most drastic changes in his or her life. The individual eventually learns what he or she really wants and picks them out from all the clutter, keeps them in his or her life box, and throws the rest of them away. I have a lot to say about this matter but I know he would never listen. Like he would never believe that I am also hurt. That he is the reason I am this dysfunctional. And I am not blaming him, it was also my choice, it's just that he was around at that time and he was there when all of those happened and really, it just didn't work out. I don't want to have any regrets but sometimes I find myself wishing I had never met him. I loved him too much. I should have been focusing on my personal growth, I got too complacent with where I was with my life. During your twenties. believe me, you can't afford to have an insecure partner preventing you from going out there and building your future (and this doesn't even pertain to school or work, just your life in general). Even when you think that your partner is fully in support of what you're doing and you think that they don't limit you in any way and that you have everything under control, it is STILL better not to have one. Seriously. It may sound miserable but believe me, it is actually the complete opposite; it is the best gift you can give yourself--independence.

---

I liked him, always have, and I missed my chance. This doesn't make me sad--time can be cruel--in fact, I can say it made me hopeful. That I will meet someone I will like as much, unexpectedly, without asking or looking. Or more importantly, that I don't have to meet anyone, I can be happy for others and for myself even as a lone one. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in a relationship just yet.

---

It stuck with me, that line--There is more to life than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Now this statement is who I have always been and I don't think I plan to change that. Recently there have been instances, influenced by my current close circle of friends, of superficiality, but I don't want to loose footing on who I want to be so I'm keeping this in mind. Always, always be sensible. There is no part of me I want removed or replaced, I just want a better version. I'm focusing on who I want to be, not who I am and definitely not what people say I have become.

---

At the end of the day though, I just want to be a mom. I know that sounds weird coming from me because I'm all for creating and la vie boheme and seizing the shit out every single day but I still find that that's what I really want. And that I want to put up a pre-school. Gahhhhhhhh

Ganito kasi 'yan

Miss na kita. Wala na akong naka-connect na papantay sa atin noon. At sa totoo lang, mahal naman talaga kita. Kaso baliw ka, e. As in, hindi bilang adjective, bilang noun. Bilang tao. Ang gusto ko lang naman mangyari ay mawala 'yung kabaliwan mo. Pero sino ba ako para diktahan 'yon, 'di ba? Alam ko namang hindi madali. Ako nga struggling pa rin at nababaliw pa rin from time to time. Siguro kasi alam ko na ngayon na kayang igpawan ang kabaliwan. Hindi man totally, pero enough para hindi maging destructive. Ang pinaka-sane na mga araw/linggo/buwan ng buhay ko ay 'yung wala ka. O, hindi na subjective feelings 'yan. Based na 'yan sa true story. Marami pa akong proof kung bakit ka baliw at kung bakit nababaliw ako 'pag nandyan ka and not in a good way. Pero hindi ko na kaya isa-isahin 'yun, e. Gano'n s'ya nakakabaliw. Masyado na ring maraming masasakit at malalim na things, hindi na kaya tapalan ng bagong memories.

Sayang. Mahal naman talaga kita, e.

tangina n'yo pala e

ayoko na talaga muna ng lalaki. sana lumayo-layo muna sila sa 'kin utang na loob.

Someday

Okay, I'm not doing this right now, I have to work.

I'm lucky to have these projects on hand and I shouldn't put it to waste. I can do this. Deadline lang 'yan.

shet ang pogi ng crush ko

Ang tagal na nun. Pero ang sakit pa rin. In love pa rin ako sa mga ala-alang iniwan mo.

I wish there was a chance for a different timeline. I wish you didn't have to be an asshole. But I don't wish to have done things differently. I'm done blaming myself. It was all you. You ruined it all. You and your self-righteousness.

Hot

Sobra 'yung inis ko. Kailangan kong magpalipas ng init ng ulo. Ano kayang pwedeng gawin?

Magdala kaya ako ng libro? O tumakbo? Pwede 'yung takbo. Kemerat din siguro, ;no?

Pagpili

'Yan tayo, e. Lagi na lang na tayong mali ng pinipili. May pagkakataon na ako pinalampas ko pa. Bakit? Kasi pinili ko na naman 'yung luma. Akala ko mas safe. Ang tanga ko talaga. Ayoko na. Lagi na lang ang akong talo.

So ngayon tinatamad na naman akong mag-aral. Buset.

Turn of events

So I might be enrolling this semester. (I need to learn to write again, else I'm in for a deep shit.)

I'm not sure why I'm going back to school. It was an impulsive decision, I admit, and I'm sure it isn't going to be a fun ride.

Wala na naman akong gana sa lahat. Wala na yung Rosspiration ko. Bleagh. Nevermind, I'm find with that. I want my drinking buddy.

Level 54: Restraint

I think I reached a new level of maturity there, when I quit F's prod. Maybe I am starting to learn to avoid unnecessary stressors in my life. It was a project I would have really loved doing. Circumstances seemed to have permit it, the universe and all its star stuff seemed to have agreed on it. But I had grown wise enough to have surpassed something so powerful. I feel like Eugene in Ghost Fighter in his stronger-with-long-black-hair-but-wait-there's-more-it-turns-white mode. I am, proud of myself and at the same time, I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I would like to be able to tell him one day why I quit but I will have to find the words for it first. He has such great potential and this world needs him. He is destined for greatness and I don't want to be the one to cause him to stumble when he's almost there. So let him live the steady, because no matter how on-the-edge I believe one should live, steady is still good. I'm sure there's another timeline for us is what I'm saying.

(I need to learn to be patient again with writing. Including editing.)

I'm approaching my Day 100 in a week and boy, am I proud and not giving a fuck. Of course the thought ot betrayal and not being good enough still hurts a bit and I am still attracted to him sexually. But using all the strength I could muster, I have given up on the thought of anything romantic happening. It is true that you eventually go numb, or almost. I would like to still be friends with him, we enjoyed each other's company, after all. But please, no introductions to the new girlfriend yet. My current self-esteem is too low for that. I am confident that I am not going to relapse that I might just delete our convos right after this blog post.

And B? I miss talking with him and exchanging normal thoughts with him. Thoughts and ideas and stories I could only share with a few people and know that they, at least, get it. (Someone getting it is really a prize, understanding it is just a bonus). There came a point when I thought I have gotten over my romantic feelings for him and I could only see my relationship with him thereafter to be strictly platonic.  I was proven wrong when I saw him again just a few weeks ago. I haven't seen him since the week after his thesis defense and I don't remember to have spent ample time talking to him. We haven't talked much virtually after that so I hadn't really been thinking about him but when I saw him, bam, he still has hold on me. He is still my ideal.

I don't feel like dating or seeing other guys. I only want those that I'm already familiar with. But maybe there just aren't any great men coming my way these days. The great men, you can never find them--like Night Furies--you'll just have to be perseverant, and patient that one day, you'll catch them. The three above? They were too great for my own good.

you were with me for a while
stroking my days

Interlude

Now that I have the time, I'm not sure what to do. I miss living in in-betweens. I'm a little bummed that our press con will not be pushing through tomorrow due to typhoon Glenda and I'm more disappointed than I should be that I didn't get to hang out with B. I just miss the guy is all. It must be the weather. I miss the things that I had been doing around this time last year.

I am not really asking for much in my life. Just a few good friends and the opportunity to create.

Why am I doing production work? What does it have to do with who I want to be as a human being and how I want to live my life?

Am I hoping to learn anything from all this stuff I've been spending my time on? It's the only learning environment I get to have because I have stopped going to school a long time ago. Has my time and effort been worth it? What's the end goal? Where do I draw the line?

I wish I have the resources to learn new things. I'd love to learn how to dance. And write. And bake. And spend more time with crafts.

I know this post is icky and I would die if anybody gets to read all this ranting and it makes me think of myself less but I just have to get my thoughts in writing because there is nothing better to do.

See? Nothing better to do. Hay.

Last Stretch

Last stretch na 'to, kaya ko 'to! Konting puyat lang 'yan! Push lang!

chos

Okay, ang chaka ko pala talaga magsulat dati.

Kahit gusto kong magsulat ngayon masyado na akong inaantok at maaga pa ako bukas. Pero at least, di ba, ineffort ko na mag-type ng kahit ano.

Aksaya space.

I wish I can still write like I used to. And I wish I can write anywhere I want to. And anytime I want to. I am so consumed with this little world that I have forgotten what it's like to create. But that's what I really want to do though.

Gahd I'm sleepy. Please don't hate me.

And here comes the crash. Ang tinding relapse sa buhay. Hindi lang sa lovelife, as in sa buhay.

Kailangan ko na nga talaga ng bagong environment. Hindi na nag-wo-work 'to. Good call 'yung pag-quit ko kay F. Kailangan ko na sa mundong 'yon/'to.

I need something worthwhile to do. Ang mahirap, I've never felt that in anything other than activism. Activism was the only thing that made me feel whole. But I can't, I have to earn money at least.

So maybe I do need to study again. Maybe it doesn't have to be UP. Or maybe it doesn't have to be college. Just study something.

It is difficult to dream when I can't envision the future. I have no will for anything. I just know that I have to take care of the now. It isn't really bad thing, it's just that the now really sucks.

I have to go eat lunch now.

Tanginangbreaknasanka

Nasasaktan pa rin ako pero tanggap ko na. Does that make sense?

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kapag nasaktan ka raw, most likely i-i-inflict mo rin 'yung pain na 'yun sa iba. Feeling ko nga. Feeling ko kailangan ko munang mamanhid pagkatapos nito.

Hindi ko nga gets kung bakit ba biglang ang big deal ng pagkakaroon ng someone sa buhay ko e. Nabubuhay naman ako dati nang ako lang. Walang pakialam kung may lovelife o wala. Ang takot ko ngayon pati ba naman self-affirmation hahanapin ko na rin sa iba? 'Wag ganon.

Kailangan ko ng mga bagong hobbies, o di kaya bumalik sa mga dating hobbies. Kailangan ko rin yatang dalasan ang pag-uwi sa mga magulang ko. Kailangan ko rin ng bagong mundo.

Ang hirap din ng maraming pinoproblema ha, sa totoo lang.

Feeling ko maximum ko na yung six months sa isang sirkulo. Ang dali ko kasing masaktan at ang tagal mag-move on.

Kailangan ko ngang mag-excel sa isang bagay. Pero bakit wala akong motivation? Actually gusto kong matutong sumayaw. Matagal ko nang frustration 'yon. Pwede naman 'di ba? Ay pora. Haaaay. Trabaho na naman bukas.

Malapit na namana kong ma-deps.

Pota.

Shit, man

What do you know, it's Day 80! I can't express how proud I am with myself. This is awesome! And now maybe I am on that road to acceptance. The last 20 days and I'm still on track. Great job!

I should go to bed now. I wouldn't want to crash tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm Not Bitter

I guess it's time that I admit to myself that I loved you. I fell deeply in love with you. I fell in love with you on the night of December 18, 2013. The night I saw you in a different light.

I admit that I was really hurt. It was you fault, of course. But tonight I understand. It is a different world, yours. One that I can never be a part of. While she, perfectly fits in it. It is a world that I would never truly understand even if I say that I do.

Tonight, I am genuinely happy for you. You are a great guy and I do not want you wasting your time on me anymore. Same way that I can no longer waste mine with you.

And this applies to the other guy too.

Nothing but happiness to the three of us!

Shit

Death seems to be the easiest yet still difficult way out. I am left alone now, both literally and figuratively. With only P70 and things to buy for a shoot I've already committed to.

I am shit.

I don't really wish to disappear. I just want things to stop moving for a while, just so I can breathe.

I don't want to ask C for help anymore. He's already done enough and I haven't really given him anything in return.

I want to hurt myself.

Plain

I miss you. Or the idea of you. I miss you/it so much it's gnawing my insides.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit putangina ang sakit. Ang sakit-sakit.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin.

It might have been just one shallow thing, but it still crushed whatever self-esteem I may have left.

I'd really like to say that I'm pretty enough or that I'm talented or even just good at something, at least. But I'm not. I was born average and forever will be.

“We are rarely proud when we are alone.” ― Voltaire

Right now I feel like watching something. Because I am yearning to feel. Anything. I don't know what happened last night. I was cold. Because I was proud. I didn't want him to see my knees getting weak when he's around. I held back my words because I didn't want him to hear me stutter

And now, all my I-should-haves are stuck between me and my will to move. I already miss him.

Existentialismo

Today, when I got off the MRT, I felt a sudden sinking feeling. Why was I there? Why am I here? I looked around me and none of it made sense. But you know what it was beautiful. So yeah, I had never really dreamt of having a boring desk job while raising a family too early in my life and I never really got around to figuring out what I really want to do, but I do know that there is the need to do something for this world. Like an offer or a service or an ode. I looked around me and saw city sky scrapers, bustling cars, softened by a filter of gray from the cloudy weather, and I thought about what I wanted to do right there and then. I wanted to write about it or take a picture of it. Just something. There is no point of having all these if we can't create something out of whatever this is. 

So there, which is probably I appear to be a bit peculiar, which is also probably why I will never meet a decent man that I would want to have seven children with. I'm a dork.

Leave Me Alone

Right now what I really want is some peace and quiet. But my ex is playing the ukulele and keeps talking bullshit with my roommate.I wish I have some good heaphones. Now that's another thing I need to add in my long list of things to buy. Like I'm not poor enough already.

God. Really.

I'm in that mood. When I just want to do things I want to do by myself. Distrub me and I will wage a war.

Of course I can't really do that. 'Cause I"m a cultured, functioning member of society.

And really, I just want to listen to my music, But they conveniently decide to watch a fucking movie. A fucking loud movie.

Imma go smoke some weed.

Weather-Weather Things

And here we go again. This feeling of wanting to do a lot of things. The urge to dream.

Really, I believe that there are a lot of things that I can do. But not things that are good enough creatively. I'm sure I can get rich if I wanted to. Get a desk job at a big corporation, work my way up, the works. But do I want to do that? No. I like doing things that challenge me. Things I'm not good at. Things I know I can do without investing capital. Which is why I can't really do photography as much as I want to, I don't have money for a camera. Who knows though, maybe I'll do that someday.

I'm going to start saving up, maybe. It's hard to do that with a lot of side projects though. I don't really believe in saving up, is the problem. I believe in doing things in the now, for the now. I don't see the point of doing things for something that isn't here yet or anymore. I'm not sure if this is the right perspective. It probably isn't. But it's getting me by. And that's the plan, just to get on with things. Not go crazy and try my best not to kill myself, most importantly.

I wish I have more time though. I wish I have enough time for both work and thoughts. But it's always one or the other. I have to give up thinking when I have to work and I have to give up work to give some time to thoughts. Like right now. I just have to find a better balance, is all. Sometimes I just feel physically exhausted to even think so I just resort to sleeping or hanging out with friends.

Which is why this onset of the rainy weather is a bit helpful. It triggered feelings I haven't had in a while. I know I shouldn't be enabling this mood but oh well, I've always been hard-headed.

Breathe

Kasi tangina mo, i-reto mo mukha mo. Gaano ka-kupal ang isang tao para sabihin 'yon, 'di ba? I. Cannot. Imagine. But it happened. It did. Fuck you. I deserve better. You're shit.

Summerchild

It's Day 38. Or 37.

It's not his fault. I did this to myself. I was the one who kissed him and pulled him downstairs. None of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so manic.

But that's me. I fall in love with the first person who likes me. He was so nice and I bet he still is in some ways but just not to me. Because he realized he never really liked me in that way. It was just a spur of the moment hypersexuality thing. He caught me at the wrong time though. I was ready. I wanted someone.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you through that.

But you shouldn't had been an asshole too.

Now I guess I'm back with games.

-------

She's nicer. The girl next door. Can't say prettier, but takes care of herself more. She's a dream girl. I've always thought that she was a rebound. That you just wanted someone to play with after we were done. But now I realize that I am the rebound. The second choice. The booty call.

I shouldn't have stalked her social media. This is what happens.

Forget about her, she is not important in the equation.

Although it makes it easier for me to move on when I think about him having someone else.

Obviously I'm conflicted.

-------

And you. There are no more sparks. I wish I could still look at you and feel the same awkwardness, because that would mean there's still something there. But we're like old friends now. I think I love you more now and still care about you, but we know we cannot happen. Not in this timeline. How perfect that would be though. Just thinking of the things we can do together makes me happy. But nope, not in this timeline.

-------

And you. I'll forever enjoy that little youthful tension I feel whenever I'm around you. Yours were there the first pair of eyes I got lost in.

-------

No, I am not available for dating until further notice.

Day 6: Lumaklak ka ng realidad

I might be going crazy. I've been thinking about him 24/7 since. I am tempted to look at his profile page but scared of what I might find. Because I am still in denial. I refuse to accept that he has already moved on.

I want to text him but I fear rejection. I've been left behind too many times in this lifetime that I feel like one more rejection will send me to the asylum.

If he does reply to my text though, I wouldn't know what to feel. I don't think I'd be happy either. I just want to move on and focus on myself. I have nothing to offer him.

Day 2A: Naaalala kita 'pag nakadilat at nakapikit ako

Kailangan kong ulit-ulitin sa sarili ko na "Asshole s'ya, asshole s'ya, asshole sya." pero hindi ko alam kung naniniwala pa rin ako. PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Kinukunsinti ko lang ba 'tong feelings na 'to? May choice ba, pwede bang hindi maramdaman 'to?

So how do I cope without getting intoxicated?

So I Googled "heartbreak" and "bipolar disorder" just so I can see the possible ways I can deal with this without getting any more mental.

I'm not sure it helped.

I just have to be proud with myself that I was able to make such difficult decision. It was the wise thing to do. Yes.

Day Two: I see your smile everywhere! Gaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ang sakit in so many parts. Actually ang sakit all over.

Maybe I'm just crashing and that's sort of my fault but FUCK, it is not getting any easier. The positivity of yesterday is gone and the possibility of the future unclear.

I remember him in every song. My heart slowly breaks everytime I hear a tune. He was on my mind when I saw the sun rise and I'll probably remember him when I look at the moon.

He is fucking everywhere.

Now I do not doubt the 100 days. I do need time.

Our conversation that night keeps playing in my head and I keep second-guessing my decision and thinking, oh pride, your cruel, cruel thing. What if what I thought was the wise decision was just my ego talking? Because I wanted to have the last say. I didn't want to look like I was begging him to take him me back even if that's exactly what I wanted him to say. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand all through the night.

But enough, he said it, he wasn't ready. I can't do with that. There's no future there.

Why am I even thinking about the future?

Shit. God damn.

I have to stand by what I said and I have to remember how much of an asshole he was. And I have to remember that he's dating someone now and by what I am told, he even brings her food in the rehearsals.

ENOUGH, DEE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESE THOUGHTS. HE IS AN ASSHOLE, CORRECT?

Yeah. Right.

Day 1

I haven't been hurt this much by another person. And the stupidest thing is, I still like him. But I have decided--I'm through. If he doesn't like me enough to try and make things work then I'm done. I've been hurt too many times in this lifetime and I'm not willing to risk another for something that is not going to work in the long run anyway. I might be being too safe but hey, I've got my emotional health to take care of. I'm crazy enough as it is.

Today is the first day of my 100 Days to Moving On. A hundred days may seem too long, but those who have gone through the rollercoaster of a process called moving on would agree that it's a shitty long ride.. I shall lose feelings for him sooner than 100 days but to totally move on is a different challenge altogether. And also given my history of hanging on for too long in all cases, this would be probably the second most difficult challenge of the year, next to paying debts. I can't promise that there won't be moments of relapse--there will be a lot. But I shall try my best never to make the first move.

20 days of Denial
20 days of Anger
20 days of Bargaining
7 days of Depression (sorry, 20 days might kill me.)
Then Acceptance

This might be too ideal but I'm just throwing it out there. We'll see. At least I have found a way to amuse myself out of this crappiola of a situation.

Fact #1: I like him. Primarily because I chose him. I thought he was different. Isn't that always the story?
Fact #2: He might have liked me at one point but not enough to see it through.
Fact #3: If he shows just a slight hint that he still likes me, I'll come running back to him.

Let's be honest here, if Fact #3 does happen, I'd probably lose my mind. I should just remember not to invest any feelings. Just be cold inside. I can do that. I know I can. I've never but that doesn't mean I can't.

More importantly, do not expect and do not wish for Fact #3 to happen! Let's try to do this as less complicated as possible.

Let Day 1 begin.

kelan ba

Minsan mapapatanong ka na lang sa hangin, habang nakahiga, nakatititg sa kisame; kailan ba nagbago? Kukunin mo cellphone mo o mag-la-log in ka sa Facebook mo, babalikan mo 'yung convos n'yo, hahanapin mo; kailan ba nagbago?

Isang araw daw bigla na lang n'yang naisip, gusto n'yang mag-focus sa craft n'ya at sa sarili n'ya. Pero hinahanap mo, wala namang marka sa documentation mo ng buhay n'yo kung saan kaya nagbago. Excuse.

'Yung isa, hindi mo talaga mawari. Hindi mo alam kung pagsisisihan mong bigla kang nawala. Na siya ay bata at ikaw may mga responsibilidad ng isang matanda. Hindi na kaya ang mga dating pasulpot-sulpot na adventures.

Sana bumalik na lang ang lahat sa dati. Promise, ibibigay ko ang lahat, hihintayin ko ang sagot mo, at hindi ako papayag sa "keri".

Babay

Tulad ng kahit anong bagay na nakasama nang matagal, mahirap iwan basta-basta. Napagtanto ko, lahat ng desisyon ng paglisan ay may nakakabit na pait. Sabihin pang makakabuti, sabahin pang kinakailangan.

Pakiramdam ay tulad ng mga tanong. Sa akin lang kaya may halaga ang mga bagay? Ako lang kaya ang nakakaalala ng mga detalye tulad ng alikabok sa sulok ng pintuan? Minahal n'ya ba ako kahit kaunti, kahit minsan? Nagandahan ba talaga s'ya noong tinuro ko ang buwan?

Naaala mo kaya ang pagtakbo sa mauulang hapon? Ang biyahe ng bus papuntang rally? Ang pagkikita sa ilalim ng Philcoa overpass?

Papunta ako sa 'yo ngayon, para kumuha ng maleta. Pati paglisan ko ng bahay sa 'yo nakasalalay. Ano ba 'yan.

Just like the old times

I wish I can write
Sing
Dance
Take beats
From the heart

Meet the sun
With a new string of songs

Maaari ba akong umiyak lang ngayong gabi?

Ang problema, pati pag-iyak hindi ko na makuhang gawin. Hindi ko na kayang gumalaw. Pwede bang hindi na? Pwede bang tangina ng mundo ayaw muna kitang makita?

O pwede rin bang nandito ka na lang sa tabi ko? O sige, kahit sumaglit lang sa isang araw? Kahit saan, kahit papaano, kahit kailan. Pwede bang marinig ko lang na ika'y akin pa rin? Na ika'y hihintayin pa rin? Sa kabila ng lahat, iyon lang; ikaw lang.

Clean slate

Everything that has to end hurts.

99 problems

It feels weird to be happy. I need to gain my ground again because it's going to be a whole day's work tomorrow. There's still a lot of things I have to do for this prod and I shouldn't have smoked.

The only thing I have to figure out now is money. Where and how do I get fast money?

Oh well. I'll leave that for tomorrow. Good night.

Fleeting happiness.

It's Friday night and all your friends are at your ex's birthday party

No one and nothing else in the world.

Cellphone rings.

"Hi! Where are you?"

"I just got home"

"Are you going out tonight?"

Kind of planning to kill myself actually. What's up?

"Nah, I'm tired. Are you going to my ex's party?"

"I don't think so. You guys are not going anyway."

"No, they're going! You MUST go."

"Really? Alright, I'll call them up,"

Call ends.

There's nothing to hold on to.

"Hi, baby!"

Nothing.

Hopelessness. It's the worst feeling in the world.

"Where are you?"

"Just finished with rehearsals. Why?"

Can you come over and kill me?

"Nothing. Just bored."

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

No reply.

It's the end of the desert.

"Hey, baby, sorry if I haven't been replying to your texts. Awful lot of things to do. :( Good night. See you soon!"

"It's cool. :) Good night."

The fish is dead.

Basag trip nga

Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be like Antigone?

I made the effort of going to where P is tonight. I was hesitant to go only because I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday because so typical of me, I forgot to bring my toothbrush. But I had to. And I didn't know what to do. He is mesmerizing and perfect and wonderful and I am this. I am average. I am an intimidated commoner in love with a masterpiece.

I liked a status of his on Facebook for the first time tonight. Just to show that I care. It's a small gesture yet also a grand one on this day and age. People take these things seriously. I hope I don't push him away eventually.

I am sleepy and hungry. The healthiest thing to do would be to sleep and yet here I am.

Must take better care of myself now. Good night.

Online

Tangina, I am so frustrated with where this is going or with not knowing where this is going. How can the person you like be online and you do not talk to them? Maybe I just need to distract myself because obviously he already is distracted. This is what I hate about dating theater people, because I don't get them. I also don't get musicians. And writers. I get filmmakers. Now there you go. Film it is. Or maybe I should expose myself more to theater to help me understand.

He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--

And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.

It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.

I SUCK SO MUCH.

Friday Morning

Good morning. You're still the first thing on my mind. That's okay, this is not new. I experienced the same thing with B and F. I just don't want to be left hanging. You can tell me if I'm being clingy, or if you can't text me as often as you used to, or if you don't want this anymore. But don't leave me hanging. Communication is important to me.  And if you can't give me that, this isn't going to work.

Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)

Just Because

I have made the baby step towards productivity by writing my To-Do List but I can't get through the day without writing about you first.

Because I like you. I like you not because we kiss, or hug, or have sex. I just like you. Because you take my breath away and fill my lungs with sweet air at the same time. I like you not because I think you can fly. I like you because you walk. You run. You dance. Just like I do. I like you not because you are the Sun, but because no matter how gloomy things would get, I'd still think the sun shines out of your ass. Not because we enjoy dinner conversations, but because we enjoy (devouring) our food in silence without feeling awkward about it. Not because you look good and every girl wants to be with you, but because I want to be with you and do everything with you.

Afternoon D

I need to focus on work. No more dilly-dallying. I need to earn enough money to get me through this life. Really, because I also need to start spending on therapy and meds again. My early part of a year is usually spent on the arts and that's what I intend to do again this year. In order to sustain that I need to be able to support myself financially.

So no matter how down I am right now I know that I need to move. I'm really sleepy and I feel like giving in to my mood but I know that I can't. Maybe I should start with walking around the campus, and maybe even go for a run. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish something after.

In love and still bipolar

P and I were supposed to go on a lunch date today but he woke up late so we rain checked. I don't mind, I know that he's busy and exhausted from everyday's rehearsals but I just thought it would be my little bit of feel good to see him just for a second, to get me through the day and even the week.

I imagine if I was in a better mood I would have insisted that I see him before his rehearsals even without lunch, but I'm down and have no capacity to make such happy decisions. I know I underestimate myself but I have learned that the best way to deal with this mood is to let it pass and just do my best to survive while I'm in the midst of it.

Maybe I shouldn't pour out my feelings to him so much yet. I don't want to scare him off. Everything in proper time.

Also, I have so much work to finish I really can't afford to stay here and wallow. I'll probably just end up watching Downton Abbey. Problem with my parents' house though is the shitty internet connection that I will have to make do with because really, I have to get my shit together and petty problems like these should not even deserve a spot in this blog.

i wish the weather would just clear up for a few days. I need my sunshine to recharge. I need my focus, my super-working-power.

Oh dear, I wish I'm making the best decision right now.

And I really have to start filling out my mood diary and also just grow the fuck up.

P has been nothing but good to me and I miss him every minute of every motherfucking day. And I don't want anything else in the world but to come home to him every night.

But I still think about B, and all the moments we had. My craziness that only he, up to this point, understands, because he can be just the same. The late cloudy afternoon runs and endless talks. The time he held my hand but I chose to let go before it even happened. The long bus rides, to and from our hometown. The lone times at one house party and another one. I felt it then. I know I didn't imagine them, the sparks.

I sometimes also think about F, His kiss, his skin. The way he makes me laugh. The silence. The way we hanged out like we were best friends, and more. His sweetness and sometimes, immaturity. I'd like to hang out with him again, as friends.

Monogamy

I don't even know why
I still think about you
and you
when I already have you

Star

when something is too good to be true
do you just pass it off as that?
or do you embrace it
give it a chance
it might be worth it and though sometimes it's too much
that it might hurt
a lot
you still hang on that
this
little bit of sunbeam
will be yours
until the world goes dark

high

a hot guy is sleeping next to me right now then xx's intro comes on on 8tracks. i want to rape him so bad.