OKAY, I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
Anyway, L replied more than an hour later but whatever, that's not why I'm feeling good. I don't give a shiiiiiite.
C's coming over in a few hours. I KNOW. YEY!
Plus, well, I finally got my hormones balanced so...
GADDEMIT I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. I'm just thankful that I'm feeling okay now. Sometimes I get so depressed it scares me to think what I could be capable of doing.
So, that's it. YEY!
22.2.12
Pakyu
Dahil hindi pelikula ang buhay, walang ending. Walang ma-dramang confrontation sa ilalim ng bumubuhos na ulan. Walang biglaang pag-blurt out ng totoong saloobin sa harap ng publiko. Walang reconciliation, walang closure. Meron lamang talo at panalo. Merong nakaisa at naisahan. At sabi nga ni C, ang susi ay tanggapin na minsan sa iyong buhay ay naisahan ka.
Gusto ko sanang pelikula na lang ang buhay. Mag-so-sorry s'ya, mag-so-sorry ako. Pwedeng maging magkaibigan kami, pwedeng hindi na. Pero masaya, magaan, walang hang-ups. Walang Charlie Nicholson (High Fidelity) at Summer (500 Days of Bullshit). Buti pa sa Closer, may mga paghaharap na nagaganap bagkus magulo. Ngunit hindi sa tunay na buhay.
Sa tunay na buhay, tiis-tiis lang. Hindi mo masasampal ang gusto mong sampalin. Hindi mo maririnig ang sorry na gusto mong marinig. Sa mga oras na 'to masama ang mga naiisip ko, gusto kong manira ng buhay. Pero alam kong hindi ako ganoon. At alam kong hindi ko gagawin 'yon.
Sabagay, kung ano man 'yung mga kasalanan n'yang 'yon, pinagbayaran n'ya na 'yon. Pero mukhang ako ngayon pa lang.
ANG DRAMA KO. Masyado akong maraming alam. Ako naman kasi 'tong masama ang ugali.
O s'ya. 'Yun lang. May masabi lang.
----
Dinededma ako ni C. Wala lang. Tampo hits. Hehe.
Gusto ko sanang pelikula na lang ang buhay. Mag-so-sorry s'ya, mag-so-sorry ako. Pwedeng maging magkaibigan kami, pwedeng hindi na. Pero masaya, magaan, walang hang-ups. Walang Charlie Nicholson (High Fidelity) at Summer (500 Days of Bullshit). Buti pa sa Closer, may mga paghaharap na nagaganap bagkus magulo. Ngunit hindi sa tunay na buhay.
Sa tunay na buhay, tiis-tiis lang. Hindi mo masasampal ang gusto mong sampalin. Hindi mo maririnig ang sorry na gusto mong marinig. Sa mga oras na 'to masama ang mga naiisip ko, gusto kong manira ng buhay. Pero alam kong hindi ako ganoon. At alam kong hindi ko gagawin 'yon.
Sabagay, kung ano man 'yung mga kasalanan n'yang 'yon, pinagbayaran n'ya na 'yon. Pero mukhang ako ngayon pa lang.
ANG DRAMA KO. Masyado akong maraming alam. Ako naman kasi 'tong masama ang ugali.
O s'ya. 'Yun lang. May masabi lang.
----
Dinededma ako ni C. Wala lang. Tampo hits. Hehe.
I feel so
Under the unbelievably fucking hot weather. It's that time of the month when no matter what you do, nothing can save you from your own self-pitying and wallowing. Even without the self-pitying and wallowing, still, nobody can save you from yourself.
Well, L is online. I feel like saying Hi and at the same time I don't. Imagine having a small talk while on a rollercoaster, an emotional rollercoaster. Plus, he wouldn't understand anymore, we've grown apart. He's there and I'm... I'm nowhere. It would be like this:
Me: Hey yo!
L: Yo
Me: Kamusta?
L: Okay lang.
Me: Balita?
L: Ganon pa rin
Me: Ayos.
See? Now that I posted that I feel like I need to prove that I'm right. But I won't. Or maybe I will.
I wish C's online. He's the one I really feel like talking to right now.
I don't even have cellphone credits for the love of all things holy and unholy!
Knee-deep shit. That doesn't even come close to describing what I am in right now. A quicksand that never really engulfs you, it just pulls you down slowly, scares you, stumps your breath, threatens to swallow you, but it doesn't. It just lets you hang around there. Wait for the end that will not come, which makes it more horrible than the end.
And the worst of it all, it's not even summer yet. I have no excuse for this vortex. Everyone's doing great, acting fine and dandy, with sunshine and rainbows and their eat-pray-love ideologies. (Excuse me while I throw up.) I can't be the only one going through shit like this.
This is also why I'm scared of growing old. I am sure that I'm going to be like this forever: hormonal, depressed, emotionally unstable. And that's not cute when you're 30. I am sure if I'm still like this by then there will be no one else left to stand by me and put up with my lunacy.
I can't wait for summer. Summer's my thing. It's during summer when people see me as a young, normal individual just being young and normal.
---
So, yes, I did it. I messaged him. Just to prove myself right. I do that. See? It's all crazy here. The conversation went like this:
Me: Hey yo!
And then about 10 seconds passed and then I went offline.
And then another 10 seconds and I'm back online.
Okay, so I'm wrong. WHATEVER.
---
This is so difficult. C, where are you? Friends, where are you? Of course I know where you are. Busy living your lives. I also am busy living mine, being sucked by said quicksand, WHICH I WISH WOULD JUST FREAKING SWALLOW ME TO GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
No one to talk to, no one to talk to. I miss having housemates. I miss going to school. Well, there's always Chatroulette, if only I wanted to get visually raped!
---
Okay, so how long have I been typing now? I'm not sure. It's an endless spiral. AND I AM COMPLETELY FUKKEN SOBER. Oh, woe is me.
Okay, that kind of hurt. L didn't even reply. Friendship completely over then. My fault of course. But that's not the issue here. The issue is I have nobody to talk to.
---
And it's so hot. It may not be summer yet but it is hot.
---
It pierces through. It hurts inside, to the core of the soul and then back out to the tips of the hair on my arms.
Well, L is online. I feel like saying Hi and at the same time I don't. Imagine having a small talk while on a rollercoaster, an emotional rollercoaster. Plus, he wouldn't understand anymore, we've grown apart. He's there and I'm... I'm nowhere. It would be like this:
Me: Hey yo!
L: Yo
Me: Kamusta?
L: Okay lang.
Me: Balita?
L: Ganon pa rin
Me: Ayos.
See? Now that I posted that I feel like I need to prove that I'm right. But I won't. Or maybe I will.
I wish C's online. He's the one I really feel like talking to right now.
I don't even have cellphone credits for the love of all things holy and unholy!
Knee-deep shit. That doesn't even come close to describing what I am in right now. A quicksand that never really engulfs you, it just pulls you down slowly, scares you, stumps your breath, threatens to swallow you, but it doesn't. It just lets you hang around there. Wait for the end that will not come, which makes it more horrible than the end.
And the worst of it all, it's not even summer yet. I have no excuse for this vortex. Everyone's doing great, acting fine and dandy, with sunshine and rainbows and their eat-pray-love ideologies. (Excuse me while I throw up.) I can't be the only one going through shit like this.
This is also why I'm scared of growing old. I am sure that I'm going to be like this forever: hormonal, depressed, emotionally unstable. And that's not cute when you're 30. I am sure if I'm still like this by then there will be no one else left to stand by me and put up with my lunacy.
I can't wait for summer. Summer's my thing. It's during summer when people see me as a young, normal individual just being young and normal.
---
So, yes, I did it. I messaged him. Just to prove myself right. I do that. See? It's all crazy here. The conversation went like this:
Me: Hey yo!
And then about 10 seconds passed and then I went offline.
And then another 10 seconds and I'm back online.
Okay, so I'm wrong. WHATEVER.
---
This is so difficult. C, where are you? Friends, where are you? Of course I know where you are. Busy living your lives. I also am busy living mine, being sucked by said quicksand, WHICH I WISH WOULD JUST FREAKING SWALLOW ME TO GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
No one to talk to, no one to talk to. I miss having housemates. I miss going to school. Well, there's always Chatroulette, if only I wanted to get visually raped!
---
Okay, so how long have I been typing now? I'm not sure. It's an endless spiral. AND I AM COMPLETELY FUKKEN SOBER. Oh, woe is me.
Okay, that kind of hurt. L didn't even reply. Friendship completely over then. My fault of course. But that's not the issue here. The issue is I have nobody to talk to.
---
And it's so hot. It may not be summer yet but it is hot.
---
It pierces through. It hurts inside, to the core of the soul and then back out to the tips of the hair on my arms.
Dear Diary
I miss having a diary. I used to keep a diary when I was young where I poured all my pent-up emotions and chronicled everything that happened to me during the day. Sometimes I would even write something fictitious or exaggerate my stories a little bit just so it would seem more adventurous. I feel bad that I didn't keep any of them. Back then, I would even go as far as secretly dying my hair just so I have something fun to write on my diary. Hell, that was the most fun that I could get when I was fourteen, on the same level with sneaking out of the house to see the lunar eclipse. Just in front of the house, mind you.
Since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated with secrets and doing things secretly. I like the thrill of it. Nothing excites me more than doing things in secret. I even formed a secret group when I was fifteen. We were called the "White Shadow." We would go from doing pranks to sending secret love letters. And I, was the mastermind. Of course I let someone else be called the Mastermind, because I had to be the director. I had to plan everything, including who should be the Professor X. We could go way, way back, when I was 8 or 9 or 10, I formed an exclusive group called "The Craft" which is obviously inspired by the movie. Sadly, I don't remember what we did in our group. I really should have kept those diaries.
Then I had secret blogs. A bunch of them. All over the WWW. It's very risky. It has gotten me into trouble twice. On bizarrely very similar occasions. My ex found out that "something happened" between me and my workmate because I left my e-mail open and he was able to read my blog posts because apparently blog post forwarding to my e-mail was turned on. Me and the guy weren't even sleeping together then. We slept together eventually. The second time was when C found out that "something happened" between me and another workmate ("L"), on which I eventually confessed that we slept together. There, not exactly my target market of audience. Despite everything, I'm still here, obviously. Ranting away. Exposing my entire existence and putting it in compromise.
Anyway, I just wrote this so I could babble about babbling secretly, and because I just thought that I should make an effort to post more often even though they are completely nonsensical. That's the point of having a secret diary, after all.
Since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated with secrets and doing things secretly. I like the thrill of it. Nothing excites me more than doing things in secret. I even formed a secret group when I was fifteen. We were called the "White Shadow." We would go from doing pranks to sending secret love letters. And I, was the mastermind. Of course I let someone else be called the Mastermind, because I had to be the director. I had to plan everything, including who should be the Professor X. We could go way, way back, when I was 8 or 9 or 10, I formed an exclusive group called "The Craft" which is obviously inspired by the movie. Sadly, I don't remember what we did in our group. I really should have kept those diaries.
Then I had secret blogs. A bunch of them. All over the WWW. It's very risky. It has gotten me into trouble twice. On bizarrely very similar occasions. My ex found out that "something happened" between me and my workmate because I left my e-mail open and he was able to read my blog posts because apparently blog post forwarding to my e-mail was turned on. Me and the guy weren't even sleeping together then. We slept together eventually. The second time was when C found out that "something happened" between me and another workmate ("L"), on which I eventually confessed that we slept together. There, not exactly my target market of audience. Despite everything, I'm still here, obviously. Ranting away. Exposing my entire existence and putting it in compromise.
Anyway, I just wrote this so I could babble about babbling secretly, and because I just thought that I should make an effort to post more often even though they are completely nonsensical. That's the point of having a secret diary, after all.
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