Hi Internet,

I suck. On Friday nights like this you're my only social life. And I mean you and only you. I don't even talk to people online. Well, it's not like there's nobody I can go out with, I just don't have money. And it's not that I don't have a boyfriend, he's just out with his friends. Because he has a social life... and he doesn't suck... unlike me. On Friday nights like this I wish I didn't have you, Internet, and I wish I still lived in QC. Then I would be forced to go out in search of something to do. Even without money, I'm sure I would find ways, because that's what's living in QC is like, one can always find ways. On Friday nights like this, I am reminded that I am still 23. Using pop culture as reference, I should be out there having fun with my friends. I should be "unwinding" and "letting my hair down." On Friday nights like this, I wish I was single and didn't have to worry about what my boyfriend would think. Because no matter what happens I'm sure in one way or another going out on a Friday night like this without him would lead into a fight, even a small one. Most of all, on Friday nights like this, I miss being with my friends. I miss talking with other people. I miss the feeling of being human, of being alive.

See, Internet? The world outside is a lot different from what you show us. And I am more shallow than I appear to be. I simply ask that Friday nights like this would no longer exist, so that what would remain are only Friday nights. Just Friday nights.

Have not been getting down for many Fridays,
Me

Bullet Points

• All pent-up feelings surface when listening to music.
• I long for someone who would rather stay in with me all night than go out to party.
• Remember that magazine I worked for? Its former employees created an unofficial Facebook Group bashing the company and its bosses. Oh, what fun! I get to vent out on how much they suck.
• Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be single and dating. I never got to experience it, you see. I would like to think that I'm happy and content with the current romantic relationship I am in but would I be asking this if I was?
• I am jealous of the people around me. I am jealous of the people my age and those younger than me who are doing what they love and are good at it. I wish I was skilled and talented. And born and raised rich.
• I am stuck to where I was three years ago. Stuck with the same boyfriend, the same dilemmas, the same dreams, the same knowledge, the same skills. It would not be too long that I would become obsolete. I need to update myself. Quickly.
• I don't like asking other people for work/racket. I have always been insecure about this and have always felt scared that I would not be able to deliver. I'd rather they ask me. They would know better if I was competent enough for the job. But unfortunately, in this cruel world, this sort of snobbish mindset wouldn't get a mediocre petite bourgeois like me anywhere. I'd like to be more aggressive. But I also know that that I can never be.
• I really need to feed myself. You think I should stop dealing with anything that is of the arts?
• In case you were wondering, yes, there was a time when I loved being me very much.
• The past three years have taught me what it's really like to be in a relationship. My relationships before this were... steady. I never really had to worry much about my ex-partners because they were all able and independent and they took care of me more than I of them. No wonder I've been having second thoughts. Am I really ready for a relationship? Like I have a choice, I'm already in one.
• I really need to feed myself.

Usual Rant

Pre-prod resumes tomorrow. Shoot is on Friday. And I, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I turned down this project twice. I still ended up agreeing to do it. The favors I do for friends. That's why I don't talk to a lot of them at the time, I can't afford it.

C and I are growing apart. He still insists that we stay together, of course. But I'm not sure. I want him to do what he wants and I'm happy with how things are going for him. I just don't think we should still be together. I'm just so tired of waiting.

I think I can say that I've been very understanding the past years, but I don't know where else I can get the patience to survive the next.

If I listen to him and stay in this relationship I'm afraid I'll go mad. If it's always going to be like this how can I realize my own potential? How will I ever find my own niche? How will I have my own children? Yes, it is an issue for me even at 23. I want to be a mother. It's not a problem if I have to be a single mom, but if I stay in this relationship, I know that I might never have sons and daughters.

Maybe I'm being selfish and unfair. Or maybe I don't love him enough anymore to support him in doing the things he love. I think I simply changed. My priorities changed, while he hasn't figured out his priorities yet. He says I'm his priority. that he's trying to build a life for the both us. But I know that this is only partly true. I know he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me but also expects me to be on the sidelines, cheering him on, being patient, waiting for him. You see, C's got a thing for the limelight. He wants to build a name for himself. There's nothing wrong with that, ambition can be a good thing. But I'm not like that. I'm much simpler than I appear to be. I was never a rockstar nor did I ever want to be one.

I have suffered greatly in the past, losing people that I love, so letting go of this one isn't easy. But I want to be happy, I would like to believe I deserve fulfillment. Also, I dream of visiting this certain place, learning this certain thing, and having this certain number of kids. All a secret for now. Let's see if I muster the courage to let go and finally chase those dreams.

(If only we live in a free world, problems like this wouldn't exist.)

Living is futile

I'm starting to realize that there really is no way to truly live other than fighting for genuine liberation. Others ways are not living, just an attempt to.

This is my vain attempt.

I have made difficult decisions in my life but none has prepared me for this. I have grown so little in the past two to three years that I think I am obliged to force myself to grow up now.

This isn't just about me anymore, it's about responsibilities. It's about family.

Unfortunately, I come from a lower petite bourgeois family. The past few years have not been our best, economically speaking. There really is nothing to blame but the economy/oppressors/landlords/imperialism/big bourgeois comprador. Call it whatever, it's the same shit when you look at the big picture.

Do you see it now?  It may seem like I have options but I don't.

Soon enough my heart and soul would die. I may continue to breathe, but I would be dead inside. I would be working to feed my siblings, to send them to school, to keep a roof over our heads. We would all attempt to live. My soul would be dead inside, but I would at least try to save my family's.