Holy Summer Morning Camolies!

MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT IS BACK UP. I CANNOT EVEN. This is a relief. All those information and messages... whew. I can rest now.

Ms. Storyteller

So my Facebook account was blocked by their system, right? I tried to access my old Facebook account so I could tell my family and friends that I'll be inactive for a while until Facebook chooses to reactivate my new account again.

There's also this local advocacy group who help people undergoing emotional distress and they have a Facebook fan page so I thought of sending them a message there just to let me know that Hey, I'm still alive. I haven't killed myself yet. Okay, that's not funny, but, when I saw their page it was all hate posts about some phony person who invaded and "disturbed" their group creating fake stories and such. And how did they come to the conclusion that this person was not real? Because her Facebook disappeared. Has Facebook come to be the "proof of life" these days?

And I tell you, there are more. Okay, I'm thankful that they listened to me at first, but now,  I don't see how they can help me if they judged "Ms. Storyteller"  just because Facebook blocked her, she who sincerely asked for help with all good intentions,

As I am calm now, well, at least, compared to when I first found out about what they wrote about "Ms. Storyteller," I'd like to think I understand. These are people who have gone through so much in their lives and have been judged by so many and I can relate, so to have someone play a joke on you would be really inhumane. But that wasn't Ms. Storyteller's intention, she was being honest. And now hurt.

So I sent them a message saying that I'm real and the girl who opened up to them was real. But, I guess it just all ends there. I can't be part of their group anymore, they wouldn't let me back in and I don't want to either. I'm not even sure they believe that I'm real now.

There is not much to say about this. I couldn't imagine being in a group like that. Simply, a lesson has been learned, I should be more careful next time. There are just some groups that you won't fit into and you're better off outside it.

Oh, wow. Lovely.

So now that I have calmed down a little, I will tell you a story. A story of how my Facebook got deactivated last night. I don't know how it happened. It kept logging out by itself the entire night until at one point I couldn't log back in. I used their mobile verification method, not that they presented any other option either. This is the only way, the system sneeringly whispered to my head. So I entered my mobile number and had their system send a verification code to my phone. Eons passed and no verification code was received by my neolithic mobile. So I did the process all over again. And again. And again. Until they wouldn't allow me to anymore. I have lovingly exceeded the number of times their system could text me. Because it was too much of a hassle to their delicate system, I imagine.

Of course, lo and behold, I eventually received the verification code. One message after the other, spamming my precious inbox memory.

It was this whole promenade that triggered last night's episode.The details of which I will just leave to your imagination. That is the story of how I lost my one-week old Facebook account. Thank you.

Oh. Also, I just realized right before I wrote this blog post that the contact information of the three psychiatrists that I was referred to was in there, in my Facebook messages inbox. What can I say, I find it easier to send Facebook messages impulsively than call a landline number and then have to write all the info down. Luckily--or unluckily (I cannot decide which.)--as part of this big cosmic joke, I vaguely remembered a name in my mind. I searched it in Google, and alas, it was indeed a name of a psychiatrist. So somehow the back of my head decided by itself to store it in there.

Which makes me arrive to the next posed problem, I only have 3500 left in my life. Yes, that's all the money I have right now. (I am very generous and I let people borrow my money a lot so do not ask where's the rest. And in case you're worrying about my health, I stocked up food to last me an apocalypse.) Considering how I lived the year before, if you would take time to sift through my past letters, dear, I would have considered 3500 a fortune then. But now I have the option of going to that psychiatrist whose name my brain chose to not forget or spending that last money for a weekend of relaxation. Life is full of trickery, with this one not being a far off exception. I am given the choice of relaxing but not getting better or getting better but staying vexed--at least until I receive my sum of pure capitalist goodness next week which I can then use for buying medication. A lot of things happen when a crazy mind is allowed to wander far, wide, and limitless, so if I do choose to attend the weekend's thing-a-ma-jig then I would be taking a great risk and should, even this early on, already accept the consequences of what is yet to happen.

But, my love, there is no way to win this fight, so I surrender to my room's air-conditioning, with my arms spread wide, and shall sleep these thoughts off until the horrors of this life choose to awaken me again from my beautiful slumber. Up until then... To call or not to call, that is not even a question.

Unbelievable.

I just accidentally deleted my most recent post. The world just struck my last nerve. Well, because, f*** y**, world. Yes, fuck you.
--
EDIT: I was able to recover it!

Boy

I looked away when he met my gaze. I was staring longer than I should. I was snapped back to my senses by the healthy laughter of the people around me, all charmed by his sense of humor. Even as I distracted myself, trying not to look at him as he told his jokes, his image left an imprint. He was tall and lanky, but with broad shoulders, lean arms, and a flat stomach. He had long, strong legs, a wispy hair like he's just gotten out of bed, dark, fierce eyes, and a playful disposition. He was handsome, and seemed annoyed by the fact.

Oh, bother 3

"Well, you also judge everyone else."

You don't say!

After being judged, this is what I got back. Thanks, that makes perfect fucking sense.

Oh, bother 2

Me: Hindi ako makakapagpa-check up without money. (I won't be able to schedule a session without money.)
C: OKay so you're going through with it?
C: :)
Me: It shouldn't matter. I'm just saying I need the money. 'Yun lang. If you can't, keri. (That's all, if you can't give it yet, fine.) I'm just saying I need it.
C: Okay. Just wanted to talk about it.
Me: About what?
C: About how you think you're crazy.
Me: What?!
Me: How I think I'm crazy?!
Me: Are you fucking kidding me?

Today is just a fucking rollercoaster.

Oh, bother

Me: Kailan daw ako babayaran (utang)? (When's he going to be able to pay me back?)
Ma: Sa a-kinse pa raw. (On the 15th)
Me: Kailangan kong magpa-check. (I need to go to get myself checked.)
Ma: Pa-check ng? (What for?)
Me: Utak. (My mind.)
Ma: Ah, pupunta kang psychiatrist? (Oh. Are you going to a psychiatrist?)
Me: Oo. (Yeah)
Ma: Sige, pa-check ka lang. (Alright, just have yourself checked.)
Me: E, pera. May mga gamot pa 'yon. (But, money. I would need some for the meds.)
Ma: Basta pa-check ka lang, kahit naman next week na 'yung mga gamot. (Just have yourself checked, take care of the meds next week)

This is how you casually reveal to your mother that you're crazy.

Q&A

Sometimes he says the stupidest things.

"I only have a little idea of what you're going through right now. I can't say that I fully understand it or mayBE I just can't look at it in a way where hindi nA talaga tayo magbabalikan ever." (Well, this part of what he said doesn't really make any sense at all)

"If you think you can overcome things without meds..."

"Was I the one who told you that (name of our friend) is bipolar, or did you tell me that?"

"Why did you think of getting diagnosed in the first place?"

I hate being judged. And I woke up to text messages of someone really close to me judging me. Hence the bad mood. ARGH.

Moving On

Looks like I will have to cancel my move to QC. As much as I would like to for convenience, it wouldn't be healthy to live alone.

I might have to go to therapy sessions or something. As much as I hate the thought of admitting this. Well, better than causing a problem (posing a threat) to the people I love.

I'm just making a note of these things while I'm still "down." Something to remind myself of when I'm all riled up again.

BUT MOST OF ALL, TO NEVER FORGET WHAT I LIVE FOR. BOW.

Tunay?

Tila lumalabas ang tunay na ugali ng magkarelasyon kapag magkahiwalay na kayo.

It has been a while since the last time I have felt this humiliated. And that was also because of you.

Overly Dramatic Kasi Ako

Sana sinabuyan mo na lang ako ng asido sa mukha
Ano, overly dramatic pa rin ba?
E kung umiiyak ako ngayon?
Emotional wreck ulit, ganon?
Sana minura mo na lang ako, sana sinaktan mo na lang ako nang deretso, sana sinabi mo na lang lahat ng ayaw kong marinig.
Pero sana hindi mo ako pinira-piraso.
Halos 'di na nga ako umimik, handa na akong tanggapin na ako lahat ng 'to, kasalanan ko 'to, sige, impatient ako, selfish, bitch, ano pang gusto mo? Pero 'yung ganito?

At least wala nang kontradiksyon. Sigurado na ako.

Ubos na.

Ibig sabihin kailangan ko nang matulog. Paano kung may mga bagay pang hindi natatapos? Aantayin ko bang mag-umaga o ipagpapaliban na lang muna?

Coffee

My mother threw away my cup of coffee. She thought it was already stale. She didn't know there was alcohol in it that's why it smelled that way.

Self-Pity

I feel like I don't have anything else to offer this world. Someone last night made me feel just that. Or maybe I just lack sleep. I'll regain my egotistical self when I wake up.

Sorry if I don't fit your standards of self-pimping and promoting about how I am being productive. I am not the type who advertises myself on Facebook. Unlike you, I have nothing to prove.

-- In other news --

What do you when you want to break up with someone but you can't just because he's not willing to? I've asked this question too many times before and I still do not have the answer.

kape-brandy-valiums to go please

They say it makes you fuzzy, woozy, and other Zs. Well, that's not true! I feel just fucking like you.

I made coffee and dropped the valium into the cup. poured in some brandy. Played a game, tried to catch the valium with my mouth before it dissolved or before the coffee ran out. Turned out it was all in my head and the coffee, brandy, valium were all in my mouth.

Nyeta. Mali!

So it was the first time today that someone read one of my poems (if you can even call it.that.)

I feel embarrassed, because I know that it wasn't good enough. Problem with me is, I don't know anything about form or structure, I just know when something's good and when it is not. And that poem is not that bad, but it was so full of cliches it went past good and back to bad again.

I am literally voicing out loud what I am typing right now because it's the only way that I can keep things intact, in my mind, at least. Else, I will forget what I am doing and yes. I am babbling, aloud

I know I should start working now. I have work to do. But I can't. I need to drink more coffee.

Hey, love

through intoxication

is how i used to live

and sometimes long to live

poof

the magic jargon

Just wrote an awfully long letter. Now I don't have the mental capacity to blog. Pfft.

I am in a state of calm so scary. A state of mind so unlike me. I am null, I am void, I am none. I tip-toe through space-time, so lightly. No gravity, no matter.

No matter.