Working with Magazines When She Doesn't Know How to Write

Somehow blogging doesn't feel to be an integral part of my life anymore lately. Maybe I should get a real blog. I made one but it's already been a month and there's still only one post in that white space. When I got this Editorial Assistant job, I was so messed up because I was so used to typing randomly (like what I'm doing now), following my well-scattered thoughts. Now that's not good when you're writing features. Now, blogging does not appeal to me because I get so O.C. that I always feel like I have to copyedit, I need to copyedit. So tonight, I thought I'd give it a try once again, blogging, writing aimlessly about what's in my head. See? There, I think I was able to do it. Put smiley here.

Mad with the World

I expect too much from this universe! HELLO, WORLD, WHY ARE YOU FAILING ME?! I mean, from all its wonders and for all its greatness, you'd think, there's something in there! There's something more than all this! But whyyyyyyyy? Why the repressive society? Why the fucking patriarchy? Why all this inequality, injustice, and last but not the least, stupidity still reigning over us since time immemorial? Isn't everything so obvious already? For the love of all things holy and beautiful, everything is so simple! We don't have to look for the answers, because we have them! All we have to do is... well, do something!

Oh, good goddess, am I to die in vain? Oh, hell and heaven, I digress.

I'm Fine

I have come to the conclusion that I now prefer to be alone than have people weighing me down. I enjoy the weekly social mingling, catching up (like I listen), and drinks, but nothing more than that. I refuse to fall into the trap again and sign the social contract they call friendship. I was Strawberry Shortcake for a while, and I just ended up being hurt. Never will I allow myself to get into that "feelings" game again, for I am here to rule the world. Welcome the crazy bitch back.

DQ

Drama Queen. I'm starting to become ma-drama again. It has something to do with C, yes. Label or no, I can't deny that at some level, we're back together. And sometimes I feel like I can't take it. I can't be loved. It's too unfair. I get hurt too much. And I end up hurting the partner even more. I'd rather grow old a cat-lady knitting sweaters for non-existent grandchildren.

Girl Anachronism

I don't think I can be with anyone in this lifetime. Mali lang talaga akong tao. Halaman. Cactus pa nga.

Mayabang Ako

Dahil sa totoo lang, naniniwala ako sa sarili ko. Bow.

In Other, More Important, Lighter News

I think I just discovered an alter-ego last Friday. It has been a while since I've allowed myself to go crazy and I wasn't expecting it to happen after a hard day's work when all I really wanted to do was be lazy and sleep.

Okay, it was a really shitty day and I thought a pop of V would help. And then of course I drank, which I don't do often anymore. Result: Dancing. Dancing, which, for your information, is an act I don't do much. I like the idea and yes, I like doing it but I do have an image to protect so I try to stay away from doing it in public as much as I can. By that I mean, to hell and high water, nobody can force me to dance when I don't feel like it. I can sway and move a little, but dance? No, siree, I don't do dancing. But it was a Friday night and in a normal, boring, conventional life, people get crazy on Friday nights. Being new to this normal, boring, conventional system of living, I fell into that trap. At some level, I am embarrassed, but, I also know that I had A LOT of fun. I just wish I looked better and was wearing better clothes that night. Ang arte ko. But really, someone dancing is only a spectacle if he or she looks good while doing it. Oh jeezus, my superficial first world westernized girl problems.

Maybe I really should get back to being an activist. Bumaliktad ang mundo. I'm the Inside-Out Girl now.

I Need My Anti-Depressants

What's happening to me is very unreasonable. I should be happy. I would be if I were normal. But I never was and I don't think I can ever be. A line from Joyce Carol Oates' novel I'll Take You There says it best: "I baptize thee in the name of ceaseless yearning, ceaseless seeking, and ceaseless dissatisfaction. Amen!"

On-This-Day-in-2010 Crappola

I was wondering what I was up to around this time of the year in 2010. According to my blog entries I was having a lot of fun. I was sad a lot of times, had problems with C and home and money but overall, I was crazy.  I was out there! I was actually out there living it.

I don't know what to come out of it all. That I am better off being crazy and living la bohemia? Or I've done most of it (if not all) and have had enough of youth so it's time to grow up now?

Home Early

I am home earlyyyyy! Isn't that supramagastic?! (Had to invent a new word to express my happiness.)

Okay, it's been a circus lately. Not the entertaining kind though. I think I've reached my goal of being normal and boring. I'd actually like it better if there were more money involved though. It will pay off, they kid. I am kidded. I have entrapped myself. No turning back now.

Past is Fast

Hi! Hello-- Excuse me. Gusto ko lang sabihin na napaka-insensitive mo. Pagkatapos ng lahat. Sobra ka na. Bahala ka na. Kebs. Babay.

Career

I've been meaning to blog forever but I just can't find time! I'm too busy with everything. This job is eating my time, my life!