Daddy Issues

So dead. Soooo dead.

what is this poverty

gutom na gutom na ako at wala akong pera. sobrang payat ko na, oo, pero aminin nating hindi pa rin papasang pulubi ang kutis kaya kahit siguro mamalimos ako sa labas wala ring magbibigay. alam ko ring kailangan ko nang umuwi sa magulang ko pero wait lang, mamaya-maya siguro. dami ko pang iniisip e. mukhang doon muna ako titira nang ilang araw, mag-re-recharge, mag-iipon ng lakas at fats para makagalaw-galaw ulit sa mundo.

naiisip ko nga na what if ang raket ko e "meal companion?" tamang pwede akong kontakin ng mga gusto ng company during lunch break tapos ang bayad lang e ililibre ako ng pagkain. (siguro pag malayo may transpo allowance pang-commute, kung may kotse e di sunduan.) di ba? hindi na ako magugutom. para akong on-call date for rent pero para lang talaga sa mga gustong may kasabay kumain. maayos at masaya rin naman akong kasama at kausap, at magana rin akong kumain. pwede ko ring bagayan kung anong trip nung tao, mapa-street food, home-cooked, o fine dining. kung may pera siguro ako magbabayad din ako minsan para dito, hindi kasi ako makakain nang walang kasabay. sana may makaimbento ng ganito, sasali ako.

sana magkaroon na 'ko ng raket papa jisus.

Segue

So many things have happened
and a lot that I have learned the past few days.

STRENGTH. It's what I need to get through the following days. Nothing's certain anymore and it scares me. It scares me and at the same time I don't really want to care. I just want to keep going and not giving an F. And yes, I'm getting there. The cold-hearted whatever-you-want-to-call-me.

P and P

"Thank you for your patience and perseverance." was part of the text message I received from a former boss after we first won an award for Best in Production Design. Mukhang 'yun lang talaga ang ma-i-o-offer ko sa mundong ito. Fine.

Drunk Blogging

Bakit ba kailangang ganito? Bakit ako pa-cool? Sana finally mamanhid na 'ko. Ayoko nang maging tao. PLEASE.

FUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Friday the 13th

Ain't my day, bitches. I just want to sulk in a corner, under the covers. I can't even begin to...

Lately, I like to keep things positive but it seems that I'm the only one who does. What's the point of having an optimistic perspective when people around you would make you feel like you're only fooling yourself? If holding back on yourself, the things you want to do, your dreams, and your principles so you could help the people you love is being selfish then fuck being selfless!

I promise to be strong the following days and punch my worries in each of their faces. No more social life. I'm going to start moving for myself and my family.

So goodbye, good-vibed self. Welcome Bertong Badtrip back.

Lumpen Bourgeois

All the things that I've been doing or not doing the past weeks have taken their toll. My body's giving up on me and my finances are messed up (not that I have any money to begin with.)

I started smoking again last week and I have been drinking non-stop for days. Worst of it all, I haven't been keeping a healthy diet. Hell, I haven't even been eating on time or at least thrice a day. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat. I usually eat A LOT, but I had no money so I had to wait for friends or my housemates to feed me.

Now, there's somewhere I have to be at for a job interview but here I am at my parents' house, slacking, drinking lots of water, trying to rest my lungs. I am conflicted. I know that I can reschedule to another day but my need for a job is urgent. (I don't even care what I'm going to have to do, I can always quit if I don't like it.) I'm just scared that I might not pass the interview and exams if I go in this state.

Updates. Daily. Continuity.

When has it become so hard to update a personal blog? It used to be so easy way back when that I would write about my day no matter how exhausted I was. The worst thing that could happen would be making a mental note of all the things that happened so that I could write about it the following days.

Now it's just writing when I feel like it and then not when I don't. I have to make an effort on updating this regularly. Yes, even with nonsense and things I feel that only I care about. Isn't that what this is about anyway? 

So, yeah. Update more often. We need some continuity here!

99%

on a slump
in need of a little cheering up
worst of it all
all of these
are because of cheese
breads
money

every waking hour
i used to spend on living
now i spend on
lying, thinking,
about when, how,
will i get to eat good food
again
go out with friends
again
not have to eat instant
again


and when
will everybody else too

when will change come?
the is one thing
i know
i have to get moving
for the revolution will not be blogged.

I'm Doomed

I don't have money and I couldn't find ways to get any. I was used to everything eventually working out for the better, but this time it feels more real. This is serious. I have to step my game up.

In the meantime, I guess I have no choice but to live in my parents' house. I am an embarrassment.

Craycray

been drinking for days and days on end
without a lover for three nights
started smoking cigarettes again, socially
break outs and dark circles
a comb hasn't touched my hair for four days
no shower today, not yet at least
not a single fuck is given

Sunshine and Clouds and Everything Proud

I think I've been drinking for two weeks straight now except the Monday last week when C fell asleep on me just when we were about to go out, and so far it has been nothing but good vibes. This is my last night. I should do something.

Summer Love, Etc.

Absence makes the heart grow the fuck up, and mine is growing more and more in love with you everyday.


This break has been good for me and C. Hooray for that. I think we're finally getting the hang of this. And it's right about time! That's three years of trials and errors right there.

While I would love to write that everything is fine and dandy, the current semi-feudal, semi-colonial society dictates my life to be eternally flawed.

I'm going home tomorrow because I am flat broke. (C is too, I guess, since he said he went over the budget on his trip.) I was banking on the people who owe me money and were supposed to pay me up. Then maybe sell weed. 4/20's coming up, anyway. Tough times require a tough heart. I wish not to dwell on money matters right now (because it's the freakin' summer for crying out loud!) but fact remains, this life is determined by economics.

So. I will try to work this financial thing out first then I'm going to raise hell out of this scorching summer.

Mundane

mushy insides smudged mascara same clothes splitting headache

and no matter, i always wake up
at exactly
(not around)
noon

wondering if he remembers
thinking i always do

Sorry

Oh, goody. I'm too sleepy to blog, but blog I should.

HONESTLY,

the last few days have felt so good I still want more of it. Don't get me wrong, I miss C, but I have also missed this lifestyle too much. It sounds selfish but. But.

Anyway, no more energy.

I promise you, I really do want to blog. It's just that

 everything feels so alive. I feel so overwhelmed. I am just trying to take it all in, basking in the beauty of it all.

--------

BIG SECRET: The first and last time I rode a bike was during my first year in high school, I was maybe 12 or 13, so that's like 10 years ago. I was never taught to ride a bike when I was a kid, until one time, we were on Roxas Boulevard and all my cousins rented their own bikes. So I was like, fuck it, I'll try this thing. I was able to ride the bike on the first try. I never fell. Somehow I just knew how to do it.

--------

Blazed, drunk, and with a few good friends,
I dared myself.
I took the bicycle out,
rode it with both my feet still on the ground,
shoo-ed away any doubts,
I put my left foot on the pedal, and away I went
to the ground
and I laughed
Laughed and laughed my heart out!
because it hurt and it was funny and it was amazing!
It is that kind of joy
It is THAT feeling
That feeling we can't get enough of
I tried again
I did it
for a few meters
then fell again
I tried again
Of course I tried again!
And fell once more
Heck, I fell A LOT
i would fall and laugh my heart out and fall and laugh
over and over again
Laughing
Still lying on the concrete pavement
Stupidly happy
it's that feeling
of having no fear
singing out loud
loving yourself
bruises and all
being reveled by the insanity of it all!
the madness, the borderline
the bicycle and the morning sun


---

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls" -- Anais Nin

Last Nite

Good smokes and lots of beer. That's what happened. And daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang, I am like a freaking giddy awkward schoolgirl! SHIT. Sobrang embarrassing.


We even managed to drop by B-Side after the jam. Nothing happened there though. Haha. 

---

Yes, you thought you're past that phase. After all, you're 23 and committed in a serious relationship. But by heavens, no, you are still young, feeling wild, and not so much free. 

I'm hella serious when I say that I am very happy and content with my current relationship. Like they say, it's completely normal  to have crushes, and I usually am an able handler of these types of attraction and temptations. I am not trying to justify this, I'm trying to figure it out. SORT OF. Like, why do I have to get all giddy and nervous when I'm around G?

I used to have a big crush on him since way back, and heaven forbid, I think it has just gotten bigger. So does he know? Of  course he knows! That's what makes it so humiliating. I was so awkward last night I kept saying the wrong things and cracking the wrong jokes. I would find myself sitting stiffly, then force myself to sit comfortably. I would walk and pour beer in a Small-Wonder-Vicki robotic way. Tell me if that wasn't being Little Miss Obvious.

Plus, most importanly, C told me that he caught me ogling at G last night. EMBARRASSING. And may I just say that it makes me appear like a douche. Checking out someone when you're with your boyfriend? No, sister, that for me is unacceptable. But damn. Hot damn.

My bestfriend has been teasing me that if she could have G instead since I already have a boyfriend. I'm like, SURE! G's a great catch and nothing would make me happier if he ends up with someone who's a good friend of mine. But my bestfriend also said that it wouldn't happen, because guys like him are into the girl-next-door type, and obviously, we're not that.

I don't think it would be a problem though if C and G weren't bandmates. But they are now! They have been for a month now. I think they behead you by guillotine for breaking Bro Codes like this.

AND I  CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BLOGGING ABOUT HIM!!!

Aw, shiiii---

She's So Naive

i miss being young with my friends. sigh-those-were-the-days moment alert! 


i know that i should have been financially smarter (or wiser?) the past few months so that I would have breads to shed this summer. but i didn't feel like it. (i sound like a dick, i know.) honestly. the only thing i feel like doing now is wait. wait for what's going to happen next, to what's in store for me;  I even wonder, just what is it that's going to drive me crazy this time. i feel like not moving and just letting it flow, let the universe do what it supposedly does.

i know it is not what is generally conceived as the right thing to do. it's the same laziness exhibited in our very own Juan Tamad tales after all. but it's summer. i can't think of any reason other than that. it is time to relive the ideologies and cultures of the past decades even though we can only try. and try in vain. it reminds us of the beauty of having an open mind and, towards the end of the season, teaches us the importance of having a critical one.

the same thing happens every year. the people, places, and circumstances change. but it is the same idea, same feeling, same smell. these things that make us feel alive. and i say this with a much-needed emphasis, it makes us feel and makes us feel alive.

so, no, don't hold back. life is about to offer you something better than anything you've ever read. life is about to offer itself to you. hakuna matata!

Meh 1/2/12

Today was spent wandering with C, playing Lego in Hobbes and Landes, and abusing the listening stations in Fully Booked.

It is fun both because it is romanticized by the thought of summer and being carefree, and because this particular season makes me want to try things out more. Any other day, I would have just probably gotten bored.

Back to now. I've been wondering if I should ask L for a copy of some of the things I wrote for him that I no longer have (that I have deleted being so dramatic.) I just really want a copy. I'm not even sure if they're good, I just want to be able to read them again and see if maybe I could recycle them, you know, just for selfish reasons and personal log. But I also think that asking him would seem desperate and pathetic at this point.

Know what,  I should ask some real people instead of talking to myself about this.

April Fools'

"A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." -Kurt Vonnegut

Someday we will see each other again and things will be better. We will talk to each other with the thin line well-drawn. Until that day, I'll  hang on.

Today she's thinking about him, about all those times they wasted just talking for hours on end. It upsets her that she doesn't remember everything. She should have chronicled those days, like it was something she could write a study on and build a theoretical framework around of, like there's a way to draw a conclusion out of it all. But it wasn't science, it was made up of those stuff that has always reveled us humans but never understood.

---

It's a story about a girl and a boy who have only known each other for a while but have become best friends. It felt right, perfect, and special, it was the greatest, most truthful friendship they have had in a while. Naturally, one fell in love with the other. When she realized the feelings she was having, she wrestled with it, kept it in, and buried it deep. Fortunately for the human race, everything stayed platonic. They made that friendship their own little-bit-of-feel-good; conveniently knowing that there's someone to run to, conveniently knowing that there's a good morning text message to wake up to.

Months later, the inevitable happened--something fucked up. She had to tell him. She had to tell him so the feelings would stop. She thought it would keep him away, but also secretly hoped that he would say something similar to what she felt. But the only thing he said was that he was sorry and if she could please promise him that she would never tell her boyfriend about these feelings of hers, this atrocity.

Some of the times they would try to stay away from each other. There would be no texts nor IMs. But they were heavily drawn to each other, like twins by fate or--cringe--soulmates. Him being emotionally dependent, her being immensely attracted. Despite knowing about her feelings, he still kept talking to her. Still stayed close to her. She allowed it. Partly because she wanted it, mainly because their friendship was worth more than anything else in the world at the time.

She never knew if she had a chance. He never told her that she didn't, but kept telling her that he loved her as a friend. He became insensitive, telling her how much he still loves and misses his ex-girlfriend, then asking her if she could introduce someone to her, arrange a blind date maybe. He said he wanted to forget. She tried to grant his requests. If it hurt, she didn't let it show.

It was his birthday months later when it all ended. It was when her boyfriend, drunk and confused, called him; accusing and cursing, saying terrible, hurtful things.

He called her to tell her about what her boyfriend did. His voice was trembling, he was upset (he might have been crying) but not mad. She panicked and cried and told him she was sorry.

She asked her boyfriend the next day, "What exactly did you say to him?" He said that the alcohol made him black out--he didn't remember. So she asked his bestfriend instead. He wouldn't speak about it. "What has to be said has been said," he told her.

He was the only one who knew exactly what has been said that night, but he would never tell her. It was then on that she and him stopped talking.

Truth is, it was her fault, and she knew it. The guilt gnawed at her and gave her colorless days and sleepless nights. She tried to numb herself, but eventually succumbed to reality.

Time passed, he's still with the girlfriend he said he would never let go of, while the other stayed with her same boyfriend. They are currently happy in their respective romantic relationships. They don't talk anymore,  never see each other.

At times though, she still finds herself waiting.

The stars never meant us to be lovers, instead we were brought together to learn from each other. A reminder of what it means to be human. To know what it's like to have someone you can always count on, a fellow human you would do anything for unconditionally. But it was just borrowed time. We had to give back what we had to the cosmos, so that others may catch it and learn from it as well. Now he can only be loved from afar, I know and accept this without any twinge or remorse. It is what being human is all about anyway; to not live for oneself  and instead, be one with the universe and offer oneself to the world unselfishly.

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.” -The God of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

Kung ano ang isinaya ng mga nakaraang linggo, buwan, makasampung tiklop naman ang bawi ng kamalasan ngayon.

Paglimot

Minsan naiisip ko, limang taon (lima nga ba) bago nakalimot si C sa unang heartbreak n'ya. E, ako kaya? I don't feel heartbroken anymore. Nor angry. I just want to stop caring.

Dahil

hindi ko na alam kung anong totoo. Masaya ba 'ko? Masaya ba s'ya? Baka hindi namin alam naglolokohan na lang pala kami. Baka hindi namin namamalayan nakakapit na lang pala kami sa isang romanticized idea ng kung ano mang meron kami dati. Dati, bago magkagulo ang lahat.

Dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nandito pa rin kami. Hindi n'ya gusto ang ugali ko, wala naman akong pinapakitang pagbabago.

Rainy Days

I know that I need to get a grip of myself. Up to now I still can't understand why. I knew from the start that we couldn't be together. But I wanted us to be friends. All of these sound really pathetic now though.