You know that feeling when you are immensely infatuated with someone and you keep on replaying your moments with him in your head? I've been getting the exact same feeling but not because of just one person like it used to. And the feeling is even better and higher than when it is about some boy.

I just need to write this down because I would never want to forget, exactly like I did when I was a giddy high school writing in my diary.

It was a lazy morning and I had second thoughts if I should go and watch Promdi, a play in the uni. I already had tickets and invited friends so I felt obliged. Only JM and H showed up but I didn't mind. Don't fall in love with a theater actor, it said in the play. Well, too late of an advice now, is it?

Area 2 for lunch, E and K came. Satisfied my longganisa cravings. E and K arrived. JM bought a grinder at the uni tiangge. Then we went to a tea place nearby to play CAH.

It felt good to have one of my closest friends JM hang out with my ex-roommates who I consider to be my second family. H left after a while to see a movie with her BF.

We decide to go to my ex-roommates' place (where I also used to live) to smoke some. E played this movie, "Chef," next thing we know, we were salivating all over the place. After Chef and Babadook, we went to see B in an Indo restaurant in the village, food was awesome.

Went to drink at Sarah's later. K and E stayed with us for one bottle and stayed home. CB arrived after a while and when the bar closed on us we decided to go to the uni's Science Complex. At first B and I were keen on the idea that we were going to walk our way to there but I backed out when I realized how freezing it was so we took JM's car. CB bought a bottle of rhum.

I remember racing with them to the center of the complex only to have lost because I had to remove my shoes. Then B ran back to where we came but nobody followed suit. I remember doing a cartwheel. Then walking towards where B was because he had the rhum and the water. I probably felt the spark then, but paid no attention because duh. We started drinking and I was the first to lie on the grass.

We were all lying on the grass, I don't exactly remember what they were talking about if anything, I was staring at the sky, which ironically gave me intense peace considering that it was covered with thick clouds from the looming storm. The moon was out and bright too. I don't believe in fate or destiny, but the night was meant to be like that, I just knew at that moment. The universe is made up of chaos, yes, but it throws you moments, and you have to catch it and hold it in your heart or else it's just going to fleet by and you would have wondered what happened to your life. The universe doesn't owe us explanations, but sometimes it likes to share, and it pays well to listen.

There was nothing else I could ask for in the universe at that moment. And I was in that moment, the feeling of peace and understanding, when B held my cold hand. I didn't mind. I thought the moment was already perfect, I wasn't asking for anything more, and yet the universe still gave me something. I didn't feel unworthy or guilty. I just felt grateful. It was the nicest hold of hands I have felt in my life.

I got snapped back from the sky's trance when B yelled to JM to take a picture of the four of us. He hugged me, and there you go, perfect moment immortalized. It might not have been long after when the uni guards/police came. We stood up in surrender to what we already expected to be part of the experience.

We went to the observatory after but didn't get in then to the grandstand but was seen by the guards even before we got off the card, so we eventually headed for the track field.

By then I already knew that the night was going to end soon. And it was just the right timing, we weren't feeling too tired and we weren't also longing for more.. We didn't even choose to stay for the sunrise like we usually did. We just knew that it was time to end it at the perfect moment.

Lately I have been learning to truly love, in all its ways. And that night, the little moments and their sum, that was love.


oh my god, you're a human, use your brain

i have so many rants that i can't tweet because i'm worried about my rep and all so i'll just post them here:

hi dear, when i/they tell you the venue, you don't ask where it is & how to get there, you google/waze it. this is a tip but it's almost SOP. xoxo

hi dear, if you can find the answer to your question by googling it, don't bother texting us. really. xoxo

hi dear, when we don't reply, we're not entirely ignoring you. there are just more imporant matters to attend to. believe me, there are. xoxo

Where have all the self-starting production assistants/coordinators gone? Oh yeah, they are the producers now.

10mb deck to 150mb, 2-month series of presentations, event's in 4 days, and you're asking us to still have our final presentation tomorrow. ozzum.

you want to add a segment but no addition in CE, is that right? great.


ayan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko

Yes, I'm going crazy again and yes, I'm at a crossroads again. I wish I have something better to say tonight, like I am inspired and I love what I am doing and this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

But truth is, I'm still looking for that one thing I would really want to do.

Problem with me is I have time to think! I should just get back to accepting my itsy bitsy role in this world. But I just can never be contented, can I?


sabi ko nga, okay lang ako

i know i should be reading right now instead of writing. i've been complaining about not having enough time to read or money to buy books but here i am.

i miss running. and i would love to climb a mountain.

i'm thinking of quitting smoking. seriously considering it this time. or really just smoke occasionally, socially. which is i think what i've been doing. will just try to lessen. like once a week. or once a month even maybe.

i'm growing more fond of watching than reading now. probably not a good thing.


#Prettygirlproblems 2

It's so hard to think of the future when you don't know what you should be doing in the present. It's so hard to write when you haven't been reading anymore. It's so hard to love yourself when you're not sure of who you are even. So let me try.

I'm a person who trusts my feelings more than anything else. Clear logic never escapes me, I always know what should be done but that part of the brain becomes secondary to the part that have been through all the bullshit, feels, adventures, and love. Quite the opposite of what others might think about people who act with their heart, I would never do anything that is  off the chart of reason; feelings does not trump logic. We just care more is all. I have been through years of dysfunction and enough self-reflections to know that pushing pragmatism in compromise of the emotional health can lead to literally deadly consequences.

Right now I feel like watching episode 8 of Homeland when I know the best plan of action would be: finishing work, taking a bath, do my errands, have a nice dinner with friends, then go to the meeting. The ideal plan seems very lovely but my mood just does not allow it because I would not allow myself to move. This impulse thing, I need to get over it.

I have been a bit down lately because of the changes in my life. Recent events have made me sensitive enough to hate one of my closest friends for his sexist remarks. Not very petty but no reason to end a friendship. I just don't feel like explaining to anybody. I just want to get on with my life for now until I find enough motivation to live again.



I'm not really asking much out of life. Or, I'm not asking beyond what it has. Whatever it is, I will drink and devour it. It is now what it is supposed to be and it should be better, fighting for this "better" is part of the Life. I'm not asking for a lot. I might not even be asking for anything. I'm just here to sail.


I'm not pretty. I have a lot of insecurities, the biggest of which are my teeth. I regret that I even considered wearing braces. My teeth were fine as they were and I was often complimented with my smile. Insecurity pushed into wearing braces. Not pulling any bullshit though, I know that I don't look bad. I get admirers from time to time, the feeling's just not mutual most often than not and I've always had a boyfriend so I never really had any real experience with dating. I think I've grown up a lot in a few month and I am now more confident with myself to the point that I don't even take care of myself anymore. I love hanging out with my guy friends and I treasure all my platonic relationships.I love that I don't have to prettify when I have to be with them because there's no one to fix myself for, unlike when a girl usually has to be pretty because there are guys around, that kind of thing.

But a couple of months ago (I think), a guy friend 'fessed up about liking me. I honestly don't know what to feel about it because I don't like him in that way. Since then, I've been iffy around my guy friends and actually males in general. Like something has been tainted and that malice can be placed anywhere between the simple good mornings and late night drinking sessions. Plus, I have never really given my "image" a thought until this happened, including how I always hang out with guys. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I feel disgusted with myself. I know I shouldn't be made feel bad because I never really did anything wrong but I can't help feeling like this. Now I don't even know who I should be friends with.


A to the Double D

I quit. If I can't focus then I can't. I will just have to do all this shit tomorrow. I know I'm procrastinating and it will just add to the tons of things I have to do this week but what the fucking hell, my brain won't budge. I should start meditating again. This just won't cut it.

And I need to get my laptop repaired. It wastes precious work time.