On Venting

I haven't posted in, what, 2 or 3 days? But I have been writing a lot offline. I'm trying to chronicle my life from exactly a year ago. It has helped me view things objectively instead of simply reminiscing and romanticizing them.

The thing with feelings, you can't trust them. It spins you around from loop to loop just to find yourself right back where you started. With writing everything--and I mean everything, down to the most gruesome detail of a one-night stand--I was able to see things as they really were--a series of events and nothing more. And through the process, I found out that the solutions to the things that have been bothering me comes naturally to mind after I've finished writing all about it.

So, I'm thinking of doing the same here. I just feel like it's too risky. But hey, I've already posted more than I should, what's a few more, right?

It starts tonight. If my internet connection cooperates.

Soulmate

(i picked the wrong time for doing this post but seize the emotion, right?)

i should have seen it. i should have read the clues. i should have known. i should have. could have. would have. but i didn't. i just didn't. i had let my pride push you away. i understand now. it wasn't your fault. it never was. it was mine and still is.

genuinely, i am happy for you. you and her. you deserve happiness. i would never take that away from you. after all, i just want the friendship back. we were soulmates. thought that was forever. thought we were. thought that after everything, we grew strong. but we didn't. we crumbled. we could have done something. but we didn't. and that's where it ends. we could have done something. but no. we didn't.

how could i had let my bestfriend be the one that got away? i miss you.

(didn't have the courage to publish this last night. saved it to my drafts. bleagh. whatever. i was sleep-deprived and depressed.)

Recovery

I am frustrated that I deleted everything I wrote about/for "L" from that other blog! I wasted time writing those. Those weren't just drafts and random blabbering, it took me time to write them. Jeebus Crust. I don't care that they're about him. It's just that I could use it right now. Change it a bit and make it to something nice.

Oh, the things we delete when we're depressed.

Slow Mo

Everything in slow motion

We almost put our lips together, then we hesitate

I move my body against yours

Your hands on my waist

Everything in slow motion

We knit our bodies, together

I hold myself out in front you

You tease my hair, pull my head back

Everything in slow motion

You turn me around with a sweet touch of force

You brush your body against mine

Slightly touching, tracing

A pinch, a stroke

a finger

made me moan.

Lovestoned.

Not Prose

as I think of colors swirling
overlapping, blurring each other
i make out of it
a silhouette of
you
a sharp, clear view
of you

the outline stretched out in words
of something I wrote
something
something about
this one being the real one
the complex and the absurd
the difficult
endless, spiral

and then the yellow pink red blue
they spread above me
and beyond me and cover ahead
like huge majestic wings
and being trapped below
was just
the highest
the spectacular
cinematic, endless, spiral
sways, dances
i'm not getting out of here

Somebody's in love

C and I spent some quality time today.

And the wall crumbled.

This feeling, makes it all bearable. I live for this feeling. No matter what I (or others) say or do, I'll always have this feeling to go back to. Everything else is forgotten. Loose ends are suddenly tied. What ifs become dreams and challenges of what tomorrow might hold.

I don't know what I'm talking about here. I find it seriously difficult to express myself when I'm happy.

And the list goes on

C was supposed to come over for breakfast, to sort of make it up to me. Didn't happen.
I was also supposed to go to a job interview. Didn't happen. Horrible cramps. I can reschedule. If I feel like it.
Some days are just too hot. Too hot.

You Should Know

C didn't visit. I really felt bad. In addition, I wasn't feeling "normal" again. But now I guess I am back to being okay. One hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride, I tell you.

I don't think I should see him for a while, maybe for just a couple of days. I think I need the space. I have to put my wall back up. Build up my defenses. Re-assess my disposition and how I see myself in this relationship.

But I know I wouldn't be able to stand it. One, I am, self-admittedly (and not proud of it), dependent to him. Two, I love (LOVE) having sex. Three and most importantly, he's currently the closest friend that I have.

So messed up.

Bipolarity

OKAY, I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

Anyway, L replied more than an hour later but whatever, that's not why I'm feeling good. I don't give a shiiiiiite.

C's coming over in a few hours. I KNOW. YEY!

Plus, well, I finally got my hormones balanced so...

GADDEMIT I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. I'm just thankful that I'm feeling okay now. Sometimes I get so depressed it scares me to think what I could be capable of doing.

So, that's it. YEY!

Pakyu

Dahil hindi pelikula ang buhay, walang ending. Walang ma-dramang confrontation sa ilalim ng bumubuhos na ulan. Walang biglaang pag-blurt out ng totoong saloobin sa harap ng publiko. Walang reconciliation, walang closure. Meron lamang talo at panalo. Merong nakaisa at naisahan. At sabi nga ni C, ang susi ay tanggapin na minsan sa iyong buhay ay naisahan ka.

Gusto ko sanang pelikula na lang ang buhay. Mag-so-sorry s'ya, mag-so-sorry ako. Pwedeng maging magkaibigan kami, pwedeng hindi na. Pero masaya, magaan, walang hang-ups. Walang Charlie Nicholson (High Fidelity) at Summer (500 Days of Bullshit). Buti pa sa Closer, may mga paghaharap na nagaganap bagkus magulo. Ngunit hindi sa tunay na buhay.

Sa tunay na buhay, tiis-tiis lang. Hindi mo masasampal ang gusto mong sampalin. Hindi mo maririnig ang sorry na gusto mong marinig. Sa mga oras na 'to masama ang mga naiisip ko, gusto kong manira ng buhay. Pero alam kong hindi ako ganoon. At alam kong hindi ko gagawin 'yon.

Sabagay, kung ano man 'yung mga kasalanan n'yang 'yon, pinagbayaran n'ya na 'yon. Pero mukhang ako ngayon pa lang.

ANG DRAMA KO. Masyado akong maraming alam. Ako naman kasi 'tong masama ang ugali.

O s'ya. 'Yun lang. May masabi lang.

----

Dinededma ako ni C. Wala lang. Tampo hits. Hehe.

I feel so

Under the unbelievably fucking hot weather. It's that time of the month when no matter what you do, nothing can save you from your own self-pitying and wallowing. Even without the self-pitying and wallowing, still, nobody can save you from yourself.

Well, L is online. I feel like saying Hi and at the same time I don't. Imagine having a small talk while on a rollercoaster, an emotional rollercoaster. Plus, he wouldn't understand anymore, we've grown apart. He's there and I'm... I'm nowhere. It would be like this:

Me: Hey yo!
L: Yo
Me: Kamusta?
L: Okay lang.
Me: Balita?
L: Ganon pa rin
Me: Ayos.

See? Now that I posted that I feel like I need to prove that I'm right. But I won't. Or maybe I will.

I wish C's online. He's the one I really feel like talking to right now.

I don't even have cellphone credits for the love of all things holy and unholy!

Knee-deep shit. That doesn't even come close to describing what I am in right now. A quicksand that never really engulfs you, it just pulls you down slowly, scares you, stumps your breath, threatens to swallow you, but it doesn't. It just lets you hang around there. Wait for the end that will not come, which makes it more horrible than the end.

And the worst of it all, it's not even summer yet. I have no excuse for this vortex. Everyone's doing great, acting fine and dandy, with sunshine and rainbows and their eat-pray-love ideologies. (Excuse me while I throw up.) I can't be the only one going through shit like this.

This is also why I'm scared of growing old. I am sure that I'm going to be like this forever: hormonal, depressed, emotionally unstable. And that's not cute when you're 30. I am sure if I'm still like this by then there will be no one else left to stand by me and put up with my lunacy.

I can't wait for summer. Summer's my thing. It's during summer when people see me as a young, normal individual just being young and normal.

---

So, yes, I did it. I messaged him. Just to prove myself right. I do that. See? It's all crazy here. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey yo!

And then about 10 seconds passed and then I went offline.

And then another 10 seconds and I'm back online.

Okay, so I'm wrong. WHATEVER.

---

This is so difficult. C, where are you? Friends, where are you? Of course I know where you are. Busy living your lives. I also am busy living mine, being sucked by said quicksand, WHICH I WISH WOULD JUST FREAKING SWALLOW ME TO GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

No one to talk to, no one to talk to. I miss having housemates. I miss going to school. Well, there's always Chatroulette, if only I wanted to get visually raped!

---

Okay, so how long have I been typing now? I'm not sure. It's an endless spiral. AND I AM COMPLETELY FUKKEN SOBER. Oh, woe is me.

Okay, that kind of hurt. L didn't even reply. Friendship completely over then. My fault of course. But that's not the issue here. The issue is I have nobody to talk to.

---

And it's so hot. It may not be summer yet but it is hot.

---

It pierces through. It hurts inside, to the core of the soul and then back out to the tips of the hair on my arms.

Dear Diary

I miss having a diary. I used to keep a diary when I was young where I poured all my pent-up emotions and chronicled everything that happened to me during the day. Sometimes I would even write something fictitious or exaggerate my stories a little bit just so it would seem more adventurous. I feel bad that I didn't keep any of them. Back then, I would even go as far as secretly dying my hair just so I have something fun to write on my diary. Hell, that was the most fun that I could get when I was fourteen, on the same level with sneaking out of the house to see the lunar eclipse. Just in front of the house, mind you.

Since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated with secrets and doing things secretly. I like the thrill of it. Nothing excites me more than doing things in secret. I even formed a secret group when I was fifteen. We were called the "White Shadow." We would go from doing pranks to sending secret love letters. And I, was the mastermind. Of course I let someone else be called the Mastermind, because I had to be the director. I had to plan everything, including who should be the Professor X. We could go way, way back, when I was 8 or 9 or 10, I formed an exclusive group called "The Craft" which is obviously inspired by the movie. Sadly, I don't remember what we did in our group. I really should have kept those diaries.

Then I had secret blogs. A bunch of them. All over the WWW. It's very risky. It has gotten me into trouble twice. On bizarrely very similar occasions. My ex found out that "something happened" between me and my workmate because I left my e-mail open and he was able to read my blog posts because apparently blog post forwarding to my e-mail was turned on. Me and the guy weren't even sleeping together then. We slept together eventually. The second time was when C found out that "something happened" between me and another workmate ("L"), on which I eventually confessed that we slept together. There, not exactly my target market of audience. Despite everything, I'm still here, obviously. Ranting away. Exposing my entire existence and putting it in compromise.

Anyway, I just wrote this so I could babble about babbling secretly, and because I just thought that I should make an effort to post more often even though they are completely nonsensical. That's the point of having a secret diary, after all.

Reality

I figured now is the time to say something.

I've been spiraling. I'm trying to figure things out. So far I'm stagnant; a breeding ground for everything not wanted.

In other news, C and I bumped into L and his girlfriend last Feb 14. In C's words, "What are the odds?" One important thing, I've always known that it was going to happen sooner or later, in one way or another. I had played the possible scenarios in my head maybe more than a couple of times before. But then, when it happened, I didn't exactly act nicely. I did high-five him back, and (barely) shook the hand (in the coldest way) offered by his girlfriend, and then proceeded on ignoring them the next couple of minutes. C is the best. I honestly admire how congenial he can be (despite how evil he thinks he is/can be.) He was perfectly civil, nice, and all-smiles to the two. Thank goodness I have him. (I love you!)

Now,  the next thing I would be babbling about would  be how I kind of feel guilty for purposely ignoring them and being "mataray", but truthfully, that was what I was felt at the time. I'm not trained in masking my emotions, and my face is just naturally expressive.

I realize now that the only reason I didn't act pleasant because I am just not. Introduce me to whoever for the first time and guaranteed, he or she'll get an I-Ignore-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Face treatment. (Miserably enough, pretending to be enthusiastic about something isn't my specialty.)  Pure and simple.

Now, the issue with "L". I would still want to be friends with him someday but only until C feels comfortable with it. Until then, I will continue ignoring the person. He had already gotten everything he wanted. Story ends there I suppose.

Just had to get these out of my thoughts. He was special, in a purely platonic way. And this, is not easy. But I'm taking C's advice, acceptance is key. All I need is time, and guess what, I got a handful right now.

It's not easy to lose a friend, and even less to let go of the friendship, but it can be done. I am not being emotional here, it just is true. I'm happy (depressed sometimes, but that's me) and obviously he is too. I'm not getting in the way of that.

I need a bestfriend. Anyone?

(Typed under the influence of Tita V so forgive me. Eyelids are weighing down. Can't double check. Goodbye for now.)

I was going to post something, and then I got wasted.