But I don't want this post to be about that. Yes, I spent about 16 hours of last Sunday in a police station. I tell people that it was just a Saturday night gone bad. It truthfully was, but it's not as simple as it sounds.
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Almost an hour later.
I realized I'm not even ready to write about it now. It's too sad. I'm not worried for me--well, okay, a little, but I'm really worried for C. I don't even know what he's thinking about these days. The last time that we talked about the incident he sounded like he's blaming the other three that we were with that night, who were also arrested that night. It even sounded like he was saying that it was just the two of us who were in the right minds, who didn't actually want to hurt the taxi driver. I know for sure that both of us were equally at fault as the other three. But I guess I expected him to realize his faults for himself. I mean, I thought it was obvious. We were there, it's not like we stopped what was happening. But no, he thinks that somehow his actions were excusable, at least compared to what the others did. So I guess I'm disappointed. I'm not sure if I can live with this kind of attitude for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that he's a bad person. Because he is not, he is a good guy. I think I have just always wanted better. Arrogance and all, I do feel that I deserve better. Not just for my own sanity, but for my partner's too. Because it's not just about the attitude, it's about how different we both grew up. I'm not even talking about childhood-to-puberty stuff, but how he spent his youth and with what types of people, and how I spent mine with a totally different group of people, who I honestly believe are better persons.
I was so wired after what happened that I buried myself with work. I felt okay and content. But during times that my mind isn't pre-occupied about the tasks I have to finish, I remember C. I remember that I really love him. But no relationship has succeeded on love alone. I feel like if this relationship continues like the way it is now for another year I will go crazy. It takes so much energy to guide someone. It sucks out so much energy from you that it's too late when you realize that it has stunt your growth. I realized this only two years ago which led to me breaking up with him. But I didn't handle myself well after that. I didn't become productive. I was too miserable I self-destructed. But I found myself back on track. I takes a while but I do it--work hard for it. Mid-last year, I started to see things that I want to happen for myself, and I felt our relationship to be something that held me back. I wanted to break up with him again but he wouldn't allow it. So here we are, months after. We still got nothing else but love to keep us going.
What happened that day wasn't a big crime, but I can't explain the impact it did to my life. Not the incident itself, but what came after. I did have realizations about myself but honestly, I'm not even thinking about doing a major overhaul on my life. I'm still doing and will keep doing what I've been doing before it happened, more or less. I am more concerned on C's life. Will he change? Will he be able to catch up? How long will I be able to wait? These realizations didn't even happen directly because of the incident. I've been having these thoughts for a while. But I think what happened was so big of a shock that I was forced to step back and look at my life in a bigger picture, and this relationship seems to be the big chunk of the puzzle that I can't solve.
