Hello Wednesday

I broke down last night. C called and was bugging me to tell him what happened. Being as he is, he pushed me to an episode. I cried the hardest in a long time and couldn't breathe.

I need more time for myself, to reflect and heal. I am seriously mad at C but I can't do anything. I hate him with all my heart.

I'm not sure what my mood is today but my body hurts and I don't want to move. Well, I guess I haven't gone back up yet.

Cortisol

I was in an intensely foul mood from Sunday to yesterday. Today, I'm still easily annoyed but don't have the will to move. I'm supposed to go for a run but I feel so lazy.

i told myself i'll write tonight

then again, i also told myself i'll take a shower before i go to bed

Intensity 7.2

The past few days have been unbelievably crazy. I miss having a steady life.

I miss F. and talking with M. And flirting with B.

Murphy's Law

I miss you. I like you. Please talk to me. And I am allowed to be pathetic because it's Thursday and I'm depressed.

I have a shoot in about 4 hours and I want to go to sleep but I can't because I'm in someone else's house. Dman, I'm tired. It's so hard to be tired when you're down. And you're always tired when you're down.

I WANT TO TAKE A NAP. HUHUHUHU.

Down Again

Pagod na pagod na akong maging bipolar. Eto na naman ako, masakit ang katawan, inaantok, wala na namang silbi. Kailangan kong labanan pero hindi ko kaya. Napabayaan ko na naman ang sarili ko.

Pagkatapos nito, promise, back to healthy living and getting proper sleep. And the weather isn't helping at all. It's been raining the whole day. Oh, summer, kahit gaano kahirap ang pakiramdam ng init mo I'd still choose you over a depressing rainy day.

Tangina, ang sakit. Bakit n'ya kailangang gawin sa 'kin 'to? Kupal. Tangina, ang kupal.

Di ko naman sinasadya, e. Nainis lang naman ako sa nalaman ko kaya ko nagawa o nasabi 'yon.

I think these feelings would kill me.

WTF, grow up

Because then again, two can play this game. :)

Luke Mejares

Last week was a lot of good things. F and some friends slept over, then there was that fun and easy event, then there was Boho with friends, and sleeping all day then QC edit, and F sleeping over, then R and B coming over. As expected, this week's something else entirely

Marami pa akong gagawin ngayong araw pero kailangan ko lang talaga munang mag-clear ng utak.

Napapagod na ako magtrabaho. Hindi nauubusan ang pagkakagastusan. Gusto ko munang mag-focus sa mga personal projects ko. Ayoko na munang may mabigat na dinadala. Hirap na hirap na rin akong mag-cope. Para ako parating may hinahabol, nakakahingal.

At oo, medyo nasaktan ako kay F. Kung bakit ba naman kung kelan nagdedesisyon na akong ibukas ang sarili ko sa isang tao ay bigla na lang nagkakaroon ng sabit. Sayang ang ininvest, gaano man kaliit. Sana hanggang doon na lang 'yon, sana 'wag na akong bumigay. Uulit-ulitin ko na lang sa utak ko kung bakit nga ba ayaw ko na ulit sa kanya. Bigla talagang nagbago ang ihip ng hanging kagabi pagkatapos n'yang ikwento ang nangyari sa kanila pagkatapos ng shoot. Nakaririmarim. So ngayon hinahanap-hanap ko na naman si B, gusto kong magpa-comfort. TANGINA NITO. Bakit ngayon pa kasi? Pero buti na lang pumunta ako doon kagabi, mabuti at nalaman ko. Shet. Buti na lang hindi ako pumayag makipag-sex noong nakaraan. Shet. Ugh, ang dumi.

Kinakabahan talaga ako sa QC. Sana ma-pull off. As in the bad kind of kaba. Baka masyado akong nagmamadali at nangangarap na naman nang mataas.

Fuck heartbreaks. Akala ko okay na 'ko, vulnerable pa rin pala. Kailangang mag-ingat. Hello, A, ikaw na lang ang pinakamagaan sa lahat. I hope to see you pagkatapos ng lahat ng shit na 'to.

I NEED TO RUN.

Kailangan ko na sigurong magsimulang magtrabaho.

Unang Araw

should i give up or should i keep on chasing pavements

Because Heartbroken

He doesn't like me, at all. He said so himself.

I also don't feel anything romantic towards him but it's also definitely not completely platonic.

Our shoot got packed up. I am disappointed as FUCK times ten.

Keri yan. Kaya pa rin yan. Wooooo

tangina, hindi ko na kaya, ang hirap

Ano ba 'tong buhay na pinasok ko? Nananahimik ako sa isang sulok, e.

Gusto ko 'to, 'di ba? Ginusto ko 'to. LET'S GO, DEE!!! PEEDEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Tameme Thursdays

There. Are. Just. Too. Many. Things. To. Do.

How to Survive Life with Only P100: An Autobiography

Dahil Hindi Mo Ako Kayang Mahalin Kahit Kailan

Kailangan Ko Nang Umalis Dahil Huli na Naman Ako.

There's Something Else

Why are there no sparks between us? Though I still like you and I still want to be with you as often as I could. Could this be platonic? Maybe. Could I simply find you to be a soulmate? Maybe. We agree on a lot of things but today we disagreed on more. I didn't mind but maybe I've romanticized this and have put you in a pedestal for so long that I wasn't sure how to feel about it.

I'd still like to run on cloudy afternoons with you though.

Chronicling Depression

I had an episode today. I've been feeling down since Saturday but yesterday was the worst. I had to push myself though because I couldn't miss a shooting day, it was the last for that film anyway. I was sleepy and hungry the whole day, I would fall asleep anywhere and eat anything handed to me.

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling worse. I slept the whole day and despite the incessant feeling of hunger, I didn't get up to eat until 7pm.

Then I decided to clean my room to relieve stress and now I feel like I'm about to get sick. I still have a lot of work to do but I have to rest.

Bad Day

I must remain calm and not forget to eat, exercise, hydrate, and take a bath. I'd like to think that I can do this. I have overcome this in the past and can do so again today.

I know that I'll regret sulking and all I can do is wish that people would not judge.

Dear 3am

I missed this, just being with you.

Although I also miss him, being with him. Though I haven't been with him alone at this hour.

I long to enjoy you again, reading, writing, or watching old films with always brought me a different kind of peace and a good kind of solitude.

I'm done with one project but there are more. My soul is urging me to take a step back and rest but I know that I have to push myself to do more. Not because I am addicted to getting things done but because one important piece of life is creation.

To love and to create, as long as I live.