G just asked me when's the last time C and I had sex. I'm feeling anxious.

If there's anything I'm thankful for...

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

26. First date(?).

I realized that the reason I can't sleep is I have a lot of things on my mind. I have to go pick up my check tomorrow and then figure out how to get one more ID and then go to the back and then head to QC. I hope I finish early. I'm already anxious as it is. There's a possibility that things might not go well tomorrow but we'll see. I don't have anything planned but seeing that we don't have that much in common I'm not sure what we're going to talk about. These are things that were easy with B, and even with F. But P is just different. I like him though so I'm willing to give it a shot. If it does fail, well...

Press Start

It looks like he likes me after all. And I'd like to see more of him.

He doesn't like you, just your rack

I figured I'm sober enough to revisit last night's text messages. That's when it dawned on me. He only liked me last night. Last night was too good to be true, so is he. So I missed my chance for a lustful night. But maybe it's better that way, yes? I wouldn't want any trouble between him and F as they're close friends.

Sometimes I'm so daft. Especially with these things! Nobody told me that I was supposed to take him home. Well, G apparently told me in his text but I was too drunk I don't remember!

Oh, well. Guys these days. So he didn't really like me. He just wanted me for the night. I see that now. I wish I could have known it sooner.

Me and my grandeur dreams of romantic love. Tss, mania. I always end up embarrassing myself.

Minsan

Madalang at madalas, ang labo ko.

19

No, I can't play this game anymore. I'm ending it on Thursday. I need a fresh start for the new year. I will miss him, terribly. I shall cut my hair. I'm sorry that I have to get you involved in this, hair. I have to put an end to this, in three days' time.

Complicated

You make me happy that every moment we're together feels so significant I refuse to believe we're just tiny specks in this universe. I never expected this to last forever but lately I've been wondering, what if we try? What if I ask you to choose to be with me? Will it happen? Or will all my apprehension be proved right? I don't know which would hurt more, if you do not choose me or if you do and it doesn't work out. I shouldn't have let this come to this. I should have just left it as a game. Wait, It can still be. It's not too late. I can still turn back and play again.

Okay. I have decided that we're going back to the game. You'll be my sweet little escape and I'll be your no one.

2:59

No, I can't focus on work. And because I can't focus on work, all I can think about is him. Because what else is worth thinking about if not the idea of love?

Few minutes from now, the girl in Area 2 will be staring out of her window, and she will be hearing someone sing, "Dahil mahal, mahal na kita..." and at that same time, I will be in my room, thinking of you, and the day you told me that story.

Part 2

Biyernes, 8:30 nang gabi.

Alas singko y medya ako umalis nang Makati ngunit kakarating ko pa lang nang Philcoa. Tinext ko kaagad s'ya na hindi na ako makakahabol sa kanyang play na alas siete pa nagsimula.

"Bukas ka na lang manood," reply n'ya.

Sumakay ako ng tricycle at bumaba nang Sarah's. Nakiupo ako sa lamesa ng mga nakitang kaibigan.

Bandang alas-diyes nang gabi nang tinext ko ulit s'ya.

Ako: Daan ka dito after.
S'ya: Saan?
Ako: Sarah's
S'ya: Oh. Di ko na kaya. Uwi na ako.
Ako: Daan lang sana. :) Pero oks lang. Ingat. See you.
S'ya: Thanks.

Paalis na kami ng kaibigan ko nang may lumapit na lalaki mula sa kabilang mesa at nagpakilala. Wala rin talaga ako sa mood kaya magalang kong sinabi na paalis na kami at may pupuntahan pa.

Naisipan naming dumaan muna sa Tomato Kick dahil anniversary party ng Bookay-Ukay bago umuwi. Isang mabilis na ikot lang, sabi namin.

Pagdating namin sa Tomato Kick, nakita namin ang isa pang kaibigan.

"Sinong kasama mo?," tanong ng kasama ko
"Kami-kami," inisa-isa n'ya ang pangalan ng mga kasama n'ya at nakaramdam ako ng kurot sa dibdib ko nang mabanggit ang pangalan n'ya. Nandoon s'ya. Pagkatapos n'yang sabihing uuwi na s'ya, nando'n s'ya.

Nagsimula kaming maglakad ng kasama ko para ikutin ang lugar nang makita ko ang isa kong kaibigang lalaking matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Napasigaw ako at yinakap ko s'ya nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lamang at nando'n s'ya. Kumuha kami ng beer at kahit pang alam kong nadaanan namin ang lamesa nilang magkakaibigan ay hindi ako lumingon.

Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagtagal ay umuwi na rin sila.

Nag-usap pa kami ng kaibigan ko sandali at umuwi na rin ako sa bahay ng kasama kong kaibigan.

Walang message sa Facebook o text mula sa kanya.

Hanggang kinabukasan ay wala pa ring pagpaparamdam. Last show ng play n'ya kinagabihan.

Nag-text s'ya nang alas-sais nang gabi kung manonood ba ako.

Halata ang galak ko noong nagkita kami ngunit akward na mula roon. Hindi ako nagsasalita at maikli ang sagot sa mga tanong n'ya. Patapos na ang intermission at nagpaalam na s'yang babalik sa loob.

Sa kanya ang huling play na ipinalabas. Mahusay ang direksyon ngunit hindi ko masabing ganoon din sa pagkakasulat, ngunit hindi naman sama--hindi talaga. Sa dulo ng play ay biglang tumugtog ang "Dancing with Myself" ng Nouvelle Vague. Tumawa ako nang malakas, mabuti na lang at nalunod ito sa ingay ng palakpakan sa paligid. Pinatugtog n'ya ang original ni Billy Idol noong magkasama kami ilang araw lang ang nakararaan, habang nasa bahay s'ya at tinutulungan kong gumawa ng assignemnt. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin--na tinulungan ko s'yang gumawa ng assignment at naaalala ko ang pinatugtog n'ya noong gabing 'yon.

Pagkalabas ng teatro ay tumambad sa amin ni Carlo ang malakas na ulan. Wala kaming nagawa kundi tumayo sa isang gilid at nagsindi ng yosi. Maya-maya ay lumabas na rin s'ya, kinakamayan at binabati ng mga tao sa kanyang play. Lumapit s'ya sa 'min at tinanong si Carlo kung anong tingin n'ya. Isang yosi ang lumipas at wala akong natatandaan sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, pakiramdam ko ay 'sing cerebral ng kakapanood lang naming play ang naging usapan. Ngunit walang puwang ang katawan ko para sa utak noong mga panahong 'yon, masyadong maingay ang tibok ng puso ko. Bago pa man sumabog ang dibdib ko, nagpaalam na kami. Yinakap n'ya si Carlo, pagkatapos ay ako. Hinalikan n'ya ako sa pisngi. Maligaya akong naglakad sa ulan pabalik ng sasakyan.

Peace by Piece

I wanted to write a positive post about getting through one of the worst weeks of my life. I had survived in the past and I did it yet again even when I thought I wouldn't. But I can't write that post. I can't because the night is humid on a December, I'm in my room but I don't feel like so, I have a job that I should have finished only ten thousand years ago, and all I could think about is this guy that I'm overly infatuated with.

First, I do not understand, but I guess I do, what the fuck is wrong with the fucking climate. (Sometimes I hate using the F word to emphasize something but this just means I'm being lazy.) I like sunny days but not on days like this. Days like this means sharing my room with someone else, not having the privacy of pouring out my heart on my blog because my roommate's here, beside me, watching the third season of Face Off, while I can't even watch or listen to anything because she's not wearing headphones and I do not have one. So here I am, having an overly active imagination on a humid Sunday night, again, on a December but can't do anything about it because, again, I do not have the privacy to.

Next, I cannot start on my work because I cannot focus because I cannot empty my head (and heart) because, again, I am having an overly active imagination on a... you get it.

Finally, I don't think I'm in love. I am just choosing to be. Because life is hell as it is and it wouldn't hurt to have something to look forward to. I'll deal about the "real deal" and objectiveness later on, I just want to give myself this at the moment. I know it's not a wise decision and I'm just creating (more) future (intense) stressors but--just but, I have no excuse.

And if I am not in love, what exactly am I? I am exactly in denial that I have liked B for a really long time but haven't done anything about it because he obviously doesn't feel the same way and on some drunken highschool-like dare on a drunken Friday night I told him I like him and I don't care I will forget about what happened no actually I will not forget about it I will laugh about it like it's one big joke but is that how you deal with something like that? No. I think I should own up to it and never mention it again. Besides, I really like F. Now I wonder, if I knew that F didn't like me back would I have still chased after him? But I did. I chased after him, didn't I? Anyway, the truth. The truth is I am so scared of being alone that I am willing to throw myself to the first person I like who also likes him back even though it means that he has a girlfriend and there's no chance of any form of emotional commitment. Thank you.

About Q.C. though, I have just  realized, yes, about 5 seconds ago, that it has all come down to the choice of friendship. Who do I love more? AND IT'S KILLING ME. Can we just go back to the way everything was? I promise I will do everything in my power to make Q.C. happen if only we can go back to the way things were before that incident at K-9.  PLEASE.

Life goes on

There's nothing noble in quitting, it's in knowing when.

I'm back to summer. Me, my blog, new music, and a few online friends. I don't know why the cosmos hates me this year but I have to do something for it not to next year.

I really have to start writing that script.

And I miss him.

Switch the Flip

I feel like I have to get this off my chest before I start working again.

This is the only thing I know. This is what I think I do best. If I'm not doing it right then it means I don't have anything to live for.

See, it has taken me a long time to get to this. I've tried almost everything. Took odd jobs, non-credited courses in college, tried learning new things, but to no avail. Now I have this, it's not much, you can't even call it a career, but it is,  in one way or another, a job. It is something one has to do. It is the dirty work. To sum it up, in a production, I do the work nobody else wants to. To still come off as the bad guy is something I just need to accept. Because there is no other way.

But why was I affected when B told me that I'm a bitch when working? I try my best not to be. But I have to keep things in sync, else they'll fall apart. Or so I think. Maybe nobody needs me. Maybe anybody can do this job, they just don't want to. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I'm good at what I do.

I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't feel like killing myself but I want to quit everything and reinvent myself again. I'm good at that. No point in dying when you can live as another person.

Right now though I need to earn money so I need to get back to work even though my body doesn't want to.

I'll find something else to do. Maybe production isn't for me.

Thankfully Normal

I've made progress with my mood, I can say that. I no longer feel the dire need to go out, drink, smoke, run, do something dangerous and whatever else I could think impulsively at any given moment despite of however important my current task at hand would be. I feel more steady now. I wrote a little in my old notebook about not knowing where I am and other existentialist bullshit but it helped reflect and get in touch with what I really want and most importantly, realize what a big wuss I have been for the past days.

So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.

Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.

Missent Text

I don't even have the strength to write anything. I just want to disappear. I know I wouldn't have been affected as much or at all had I been not in this mood.

See? Now that I think about it, it was funny. I just needed to relax.

I'm just really, really in dire need of a drink.

Lazy Writing

• I seriously miss our prod group I can't joke about it anymore.
• I met with a stranger last Saturday.
• I don't think I'd meet with a stranger if I had a choice. Or if I had money. Or the balls to actually ask people out.
• Sometimes I wonder, is it worth telling someone that you like them even though you are sure that they do not like you back? If someone likes you, even if you do not like them, wouldn't you want them to tell you?
• I'm unstable. I need a strategy. I need to get better. Something steady. A routine. Focus on work. No more intoxication and feelings and dramatic fiction. Well, just a bit of dramatic fiction, I guess.
• Honestly, if given the choice to be in a relationship among the guys I like, I would choose none of them.
• I think there's little to no chance that I'd meet another person who would love me as much as my exes did/do. But I'm still really hoping that I would.
• I want to be ready for the right person. This is true.
• Right now, at this very moment, I know where I want to be. I will try my best to get there.
• I belong with my type of crazies. They get me.
• I didn't notice that I have had this knack of talking and meeting with strangers when I'm manic.
• I hope I do not crash yet. I need to work. I need to focus.

Sssssex

And my libido's really high right now. Just thought I'd share. I want to make sweet and violently romantic hungry love.

It's time to talk about my feelings

I have been unconsciously avoiding writing recently because I'm afraid that it would make more in touch with my feelings.

Last Friday was F's birthday so I was feeling a little emotional even there's no reason to. Good think I woke up late and got up even later. I greeted him through text and he jokingly asked for a gift when he replied. I told him only boyfriends receive shoes, flings do not apply.

A was busy with raket so we couldn't meet. I decided to jog eventually, asked B if  he wanted to come and was surprised when he said yes.

It was a good run. It felt like the good type of familiar. We were back to between three and four months ago; we just had recently gotten closer and amused with each other and the new friendship. Him probably knowing what I want but have no intentions of going there. It was a good evening run. I would have liked to still hang out afterwards but also knew we shouldn't. I'm being careful. I easily get attached and become clingy to people. It was just a happy moment to have ran with him.

Nobody was home so I texted G if he was in the area. He dropped by the house and we smoked. Lately people have been asking me if there was anything between us or why isn't there. I always told them that it's just that, I love the guy and I care about him, but never in a sexual way.

---

Last Saturday I went out with my roommate K and our friend Gy. I met up with a stranger after that. I did not like him.

---

Went straight after the date to C's apartment. We're meeting again now because he's going to give me money.

I'm a whore.