April Fools'

"A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." -Kurt Vonnegut

Someday we will see each other again and things will be better. We will talk to each other with the thin line well-drawn. Until that day, I'll  hang on.

Today she's thinking about him, about all those times they wasted just talking for hours on end. It upsets her that she doesn't remember everything. She should have chronicled those days, like it was something she could write a study on and build a theoretical framework around of, like there's a way to draw a conclusion out of it all. But it wasn't science, it was made up of those stuff that has always reveled us humans but never understood.

---

It's a story about a girl and a boy who have only known each other for a while but have become best friends. It felt right, perfect, and special, it was the greatest, most truthful friendship they have had in a while. Naturally, one fell in love with the other. When she realized the feelings she was having, she wrestled with it, kept it in, and buried it deep. Fortunately for the human race, everything stayed platonic. They made that friendship their own little-bit-of-feel-good; conveniently knowing that there's someone to run to, conveniently knowing that there's a good morning text message to wake up to.

Months later, the inevitable happened--something fucked up. She had to tell him. She had to tell him so the feelings would stop. She thought it would keep him away, but also secretly hoped that he would say something similar to what she felt. But the only thing he said was that he was sorry and if she could please promise him that she would never tell her boyfriend about these feelings of hers, this atrocity.

Some of the times they would try to stay away from each other. There would be no texts nor IMs. But they were heavily drawn to each other, like twins by fate or--cringe--soulmates. Him being emotionally dependent, her being immensely attracted. Despite knowing about her feelings, he still kept talking to her. Still stayed close to her. She allowed it. Partly because she wanted it, mainly because their friendship was worth more than anything else in the world at the time.

She never knew if she had a chance. He never told her that she didn't, but kept telling her that he loved her as a friend. He became insensitive, telling her how much he still loves and misses his ex-girlfriend, then asking her if she could introduce someone to her, arrange a blind date maybe. He said he wanted to forget. She tried to grant his requests. If it hurt, she didn't let it show.

It was his birthday months later when it all ended. It was when her boyfriend, drunk and confused, called him; accusing and cursing, saying terrible, hurtful things.

He called her to tell her about what her boyfriend did. His voice was trembling, he was upset (he might have been crying) but not mad. She panicked and cried and told him she was sorry.

She asked her boyfriend the next day, "What exactly did you say to him?" He said that the alcohol made him black out--he didn't remember. So she asked his bestfriend instead. He wouldn't speak about it. "What has to be said has been said," he told her.

He was the only one who knew exactly what has been said that night, but he would never tell her. It was then on that she and him stopped talking.

Truth is, it was her fault, and she knew it. The guilt gnawed at her and gave her colorless days and sleepless nights. She tried to numb herself, but eventually succumbed to reality.

Time passed, he's still with the girlfriend he said he would never let go of, while the other stayed with her same boyfriend. They are currently happy in their respective romantic relationships. They don't talk anymore,  never see each other.

At times though, she still finds herself waiting.

The stars never meant us to be lovers, instead we were brought together to learn from each other. A reminder of what it means to be human. To know what it's like to have someone you can always count on, a fellow human you would do anything for unconditionally. But it was just borrowed time. We had to give back what we had to the cosmos, so that others may catch it and learn from it as well. Now he can only be loved from afar, I know and accept this without any twinge or remorse. It is what being human is all about anyway; to not live for oneself  and instead, be one with the universe and offer oneself to the world unselfishly.

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.” -The God of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

Kung ano ang isinaya ng mga nakaraang linggo, buwan, makasampung tiklop naman ang bawi ng kamalasan ngayon.

Paglimot

Minsan naiisip ko, limang taon (lima nga ba) bago nakalimot si C sa unang heartbreak n'ya. E, ako kaya? I don't feel heartbroken anymore. Nor angry. I just want to stop caring.

Dahil

hindi ko na alam kung anong totoo. Masaya ba 'ko? Masaya ba s'ya? Baka hindi namin alam naglolokohan na lang pala kami. Baka hindi namin namamalayan nakakapit na lang pala kami sa isang romanticized idea ng kung ano mang meron kami dati. Dati, bago magkagulo ang lahat.

Dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nandito pa rin kami. Hindi n'ya gusto ang ugali ko, wala naman akong pinapakitang pagbabago.

Rainy Days

I know that I need to get a grip of myself. Up to now I still can't understand why. I knew from the start that we couldn't be together. But I wanted us to be friends. All of these sound really pathetic now though.