It's so hard to think of the future when you don't know what you should be doing in the present. It's so hard to write when you haven't been reading anymore. It's so hard to love yourself when you're not sure of who you are even. So let me try.
I'm a person who trusts my feelings more than anything else. Clear logic never escapes me, I always know what should be done but that part of the brain becomes secondary to the part that have been through all the bullshit, feels, adventures, and love. Quite the opposite of what others might think about people who act with their heart, I would never do anything that is off the chart of reason; feelings does not trump logic. We just care more is all. I have been through years of dysfunction and enough self-reflections to know that pushing pragmatism in compromise of the emotional health can lead to literally deadly consequences.
Right now I feel like watching episode 8 of Homeland when I know the best plan of action would be: finishing work, taking a bath, do my errands, have a nice dinner with friends, then go to the meeting. The ideal plan seems very lovely but my mood just does not allow it because I would not allow myself to move. This impulse thing, I need to get over it.
I have been a bit down lately because of the changes in my life. Recent events have made me sensitive enough to hate one of my closest friends for his sexist remarks. Not very petty but no reason to end a friendship. I just don't feel like explaining to anybody. I just want to get on with my life for now until I find enough motivation to live again.
18.11.14
15.11.14
#PrettyGirlProblems
I'm not really asking much out of life. Or, I'm not asking beyond what it has. Whatever it is, I will drink and devour it. It is now what it is supposed to be and it should be better, fighting for this "better" is part of the Life. I'm not asking for a lot. I might not even be asking for anything. I'm just here to sail.
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I'm not pretty. I have a lot of insecurities, the biggest of which are my teeth. I regret that I even considered wearing braces. My teeth were fine as they were and I was often complimented with my smile. Insecurity pushed into wearing braces. Not pulling any bullshit though, I know that I don't look bad. I get admirers from time to time, the feeling's just not mutual most often than not and I've always had a boyfriend so I never really had any real experience with dating. I think I've grown up a lot in a few month and I am now more confident with myself to the point that I don't even take care of myself anymore. I love hanging out with my guy friends and I treasure all my platonic relationships.I love that I don't have to prettify when I have to be with them because there's no one to fix myself for, unlike when a girl usually has to be pretty because there are guys around, that kind of thing.
But a couple of months ago (I think), a guy friend 'fessed up about liking me. I honestly don't know what to feel about it because I don't like him in that way. Since then, I've been iffy around my guy friends and actually males in general. Like something has been tainted and that malice can be placed anywhere between the simple good mornings and late night drinking sessions. Plus, I have never really given my "image" a thought until this happened, including how I always hang out with guys. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I feel disgusted with myself. I know I shouldn't be made feel bad because I never really did anything wrong but I can't help feeling like this. Now I don't even know who I should be friends with.
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I'm not pretty. I have a lot of insecurities, the biggest of which are my teeth. I regret that I even considered wearing braces. My teeth were fine as they were and I was often complimented with my smile. Insecurity pushed into wearing braces. Not pulling any bullshit though, I know that I don't look bad. I get admirers from time to time, the feeling's just not mutual most often than not and I've always had a boyfriend so I never really had any real experience with dating. I think I've grown up a lot in a few month and I am now more confident with myself to the point that I don't even take care of myself anymore. I love hanging out with my guy friends and I treasure all my platonic relationships.I love that I don't have to prettify when I have to be with them because there's no one to fix myself for, unlike when a girl usually has to be pretty because there are guys around, that kind of thing.
But a couple of months ago (I think), a guy friend 'fessed up about liking me. I honestly don't know what to feel about it because I don't like him in that way. Since then, I've been iffy around my guy friends and actually males in general. Like something has been tainted and that malice can be placed anywhere between the simple good mornings and late night drinking sessions. Plus, I have never really given my "image" a thought until this happened, including how I always hang out with guys. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I feel disgusted with myself. I know I shouldn't be made feel bad because I never really did anything wrong but I can't help feeling like this. Now I don't even know who I should be friends with.
4.11.14
A to the Double D
I quit. If I can't focus then I can't. I will just have to do all this shit tomorrow. I know I'm procrastinating and it will just add to the tons of things I have to do this week but what the fucking hell, my brain won't budge. I should start meditating again. This just won't cut it.
And I need to get my laptop repaired. It wastes precious work time.
And I need to get my laptop repaired. It wastes precious work time.
22.10.14
Notes
I love you and I hate you. I don't know what to do with you.
---
Things are becoming more difficult each day for this year. I know I'm not getting tired of whatever this is I'm doing but
---
Grabe lang talaga, ang ganda ko dati, bakit ganooooon
---
I need to earn money and in order to earn money, I have to use whatever skills I may have. And seeing that I don't have a degree, skills are really all I have. What I need at this moment is HUNGER, I already feel too satisfied with the year that I don't feel the need to do more. I have to stop thinking about experiences in terms of year and start thinking about my age. I am already in my late twenties and there really is no more time to go slow.
This retrograde's main theme has been procrastination. I am already two weeks late with a script, and this has never happened before. I should give more worth to the opportunities that I have. I have been working freelance for about a year now and so far it has been exhausting. But there are bills to pay so I don't really have much of a choice.
---
Things are shit.
---
---
Things are becoming more difficult each day for this year. I know I'm not getting tired of whatever this is I'm doing but
---
Grabe lang talaga, ang ganda ko dati, bakit ganooooon
---
I need to earn money and in order to earn money, I have to use whatever skills I may have. And seeing that I don't have a degree, skills are really all I have. What I need at this moment is HUNGER, I already feel too satisfied with the year that I don't feel the need to do more. I have to stop thinking about experiences in terms of year and start thinking about my age. I am already in my late twenties and there really is no more time to go slow.
This retrograde's main theme has been procrastination. I am already two weeks late with a script, and this has never happened before. I should give more worth to the opportunities that I have. I have been working freelance for about a year now and so far it has been exhausting. But there are bills to pay so I don't really have much of a choice.
---
Things are shit.
---
21.10.14
Mercury Retrograde 2014
This has been the most powerful retrograde this year. Kinailangan ko talagang mag-step back, mag-assess. Nothing seems to be moving much. Pero ngayon ako nakapag-reflect sa mga nangyayari sa buhay, sa paligid ko. At so far, okay pa naman ako. Walang pera, pero busog ang kaluluwa.
17.10.14
Fuckmylife
Gago, masakit. Pero pilitin nating hindi.
Masaya naman, at least alam kong gusto pa rin n'ya 'ko. At alam kong may hawak pa rin ako sa kanya kahit papaano.
Ngayon ko lang na-realize, hindi sila magkagalit. Hindi n'ya lang mahiraman dahil na-ospital ang nanay ni babae. Bobo ko, puta.
Dapat hindi ko binigay.
Pero okay na rin, hayaan ko na lang ma-miss n'ya 'ko. Tangina. Bahala s'ya sa buhay n'ya. Wala s'yang makukuha sa 'king kahit ano. Videography n'ya mukha n'ya.
Masaya naman, at least alam kong gusto pa rin n'ya 'ko. At alam kong may hawak pa rin ako sa kanya kahit papaano.
Ngayon ko lang na-realize, hindi sila magkagalit. Hindi n'ya lang mahiraman dahil na-ospital ang nanay ni babae. Bobo ko, puta.
Dapat hindi ko binigay.
Pero okay na rin, hayaan ko na lang ma-miss n'ya 'ko. Tangina. Bahala s'ya sa buhay n'ya. Wala s'yang makukuha sa 'king kahit ano. Videography n'ya mukha n'ya.
15.10.14
Okay. Enough.
We've been sleeping together for two nights now. The second night weird.
I tried to resist on the first night (oh heavens, I did) but to no avail. I was ridden with guilt and promised that it would never happen again.
But when he came to my house unexpectedly the next night, I couldn't contain my happiness. There he was, standing at the bed of my feet. From the moonlight coming in through the window, he seemed like an angel offering everlasting peace, or a long-yearned for apparition of a lost loved one.
"I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia." Because I did, I didn't want to let go but I had to. You weren't mine and you cannot be.
So tonight when I went into my room, it smelled of rain, I lied down and thought about holding you like there were no walls between my bed and the downpour, And tonight I will fall asleep forgetting about this, waking up to stark sunlight, fulfilling the day without you. Always without you.
I tried to resist on the first night (oh heavens, I did) but to no avail. I was ridden with guilt and promised that it would never happen again.
But when he came to my house unexpectedly the next night, I couldn't contain my happiness. There he was, standing at the bed of my feet. From the moonlight coming in through the window, he seemed like an angel offering everlasting peace, or a long-yearned for apparition of a lost loved one.
"I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia." Because I did, I didn't want to let go but I had to. You weren't mine and you cannot be.
So tonight when I went into my room, it smelled of rain, I lied down and thought about holding you like there were no walls between my bed and the downpour, And tonight I will fall asleep forgetting about this, waking up to stark sunlight, fulfilling the day without you. Always without you.
8.10.14
Making time
I have deadlines to beat and two shooting days to go for a full-length and a short, with the latter in budget-related disaster.
I also have pending distributing tasks for my last full-length and I am in 5-digit deep debt, with pride being a huge factor.
And I realized, it still hurts. Both do. I can handle things better now though, I just need more time. Both for myself and with other people.
I also have pending distributing tasks for my last full-length and I am in 5-digit deep debt, with pride being a huge factor.
And I realized, it still hurts. Both do. I can handle things better now though, I just need more time. Both for myself and with other people.
18.9.14
Pop Culture
If I am going to define myself as a person, what would the 15 films be? Here's what I wrote down?
punyetang Before series
- Fish Story
- Ghost World
- The Hedgehog
- Kisapmata
- Soy Cuba
- Spirited Away
- High Fidelity
- Easy A
- Dazed and Confused
- How to Train Your Dragon
- Ora Pronobis
- Whisper of the Heart
- The Godfather I and II
- Pan's Labyrinth
- punyetang Before series
I'm not sure with the last two. I might also include Totoro, but that's too obvious. Weird that there is no Disney film in the list? I like Beauty and the Beast and Mulan. But I adopted a lot of sensibilities from Mulan and values from The Lion King so they should be in that list too. I also saw Empire Records a lot of times on cable and yeah, that was and important part of my teenage years, even moreso than Almost Famous and Detroit Rock City. I've seen a lot of good films but not really as important to me as the above. If I should revise it:
Fish Story
Ghost World
The Hedgehog
Kisapmata
Mulan
Spirited Away
High Fidelity
Easy A
Dazed and Confused
How to Train Your Dragon
Ora Pronobis
Whisper of the Heart
The Godfather I and II
Pan's Labyrinth
The Lion King
Empire Records
Maybe Moonrise Kingdom should also be somewhere there. And if you would consider that Cheese documentary a film. Of course there's the Harry Potter series which is not really as important to me as the books so... And Shake, Rattle, Roll, Halimaw sa Banga, Patayin sa Sindak si Barbara, and Pa-Siyam were all my favorites. Also I'm still afraid of Freddy Krueger. My mom said I used to love ET and Ewoks. And maybe if I'm going to be totally honest I would include Freaky Friday, Parent Trap, and Mean Girls.
Alien
Minsan iniisip kong mag-quit na lang, tapos burn bridges. Tamang wala na lang akong pakialam. Ayoko na nitong mga ganitong bagay. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong problema ko pero heto na naman ako sa pangit na mood ko. Ganitong-ganito rin this time last year (o mas malala iyon). Ang bilis ko na namang mainis. Bukod sa wala nang pahinga, nakukulangan ako sa ibinibigay ng lahat ng tao. Hindi yata talaga ako para sa mundong 'to.
17.9.14
badtrip mammeh
oo badtrip na naman ako dahil tangina sana tantanan mo na 'ko tangina wala ka bang ibang kaibigan at talagang dito ka pa talaga sa malapit di ko talaga alam kung wala ka ba talagang EQ o nag-e-enjoy ka lang talaga makasakit ng ibang tao ilang beses mong ipinamukha sa 'kin na ako 'yung masama manipulative overreacting megalomaniac pero tangina mo hindi ako kasing sama mo bwisit ka iniiwasan ka na nga e bakit dinadalaw ko ba mga kaibigan mo kinukuha ko ba sila para sa shoot ko kapal mo rin e sana umalis ka na ng bansa or something hindi pa ba sapat lahat ng sakit tangina moooooooooo kahit anong sabihin mong hindi mo kasalanan hindi mo matatanggal lahat ng tanginang sakit tangina ka ilang beses mong pinamukha sa kin na masama akong tao ngayong maayos ako narerealize ko na tangina hindi ako yon dahil eto ako ganito talaga ako kapag wala ka hindi ako masamang tao sige babay enjoy tangina
11.9.14
1.9.14
Were
I was going to talk about something then I forgot what. Ever since I stopped reading, I feel like I don't have the right to write anymore. I only talk crap these days and I know I'm not worth reading.
But maybe I need to learn to be more patient. And maybe it will pay off. Of course there's also the chance that it wouldn't but I can't be bother into thinking that right now, else I will have a serious breakdown. I thought I liked doing this but every time I'm doing it, the only thing I look forward to is getting a break and boy, I don't think I'll be having one anytime soon. And boy, do I want one so badly. My life doesn't even have room for my crazy anymore. And I not being allowed to be crazy is what's been driving me crazy. It's difficult to explain but having to go against your body's will everyday is absolutely exhausting. And so said Sylvia Plath, "I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is."
I don't wish to become younger but if only things can go back to how there were before. I made more sense then than I do now that I actually have the chance to actualize my visions. I was better dreaming and thinking of things that I could do. I don't have anything to offer this world anymore. I am just a slave to other people trying to build their dreams.
23.8.14
Egad
So I fucking turned 26 today! Ain't that brilliant? I'm in my late twenties, yo! I have 24 hours to do whatever I want and I plan to watch Boyhood. Woooot!
Maybe I should be cleaning the house but I'm feeling too special for that.
I don't feel my age! At all! It's a great thing to grow older, especially when you know that you're where you're supposed to be--lost and searching. Also, I'm having the best of both worlds. The smug self-righteousness ("Ugh, kids/") of an adult and the whimsicality of someone still coming of age.
I'm going to be myself todayyyy, no holds barred, bipolar shiz or whatnot!
Maybe I should be cleaning the house but I'm feeling too special for that.
I don't feel my age! At all! It's a great thing to grow older, especially when you know that you're where you're supposed to be--lost and searching. Also, I'm having the best of both worlds. The smug self-righteousness ("Ugh, kids/") of an adult and the whimsicality of someone still coming of age.
I'm going to be myself todayyyy, no holds barred, bipolar shiz or whatnot!
19.8.14
Older
I'm turning 26 in a few days and I still can't say that I have already figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm still living in the now and for some people that sounds really rebellious and reckless, but so far it has worked for me. Maybe not as well as what other would have expected from a 25-year old but I'm fine. I struggled a lot and lord, I still do, and still a lot. I'm just holding on really tight, even with only my little finger. This doesn't mean that I'm hopeful, this just means that I trust the now. I just do my best in everything and maybe I'll get there, maybe I don't, it doesn't matter because it is always the journey that is most important.
It's 3:30 in the morning and I know I should be sleeping or writing that godforsaken event script at least.
I'm just having problems with my ex. I really just wanted to remember something good but this is where we end up after all. I'm sorry, I'm not being selfish (hell, everyone knows I can be the most selfless friend), I just can't handle him. I can't even say I'm not strong enough of a person because I know that despite my crazies I know that I am and I know how many god-knows-what I have gone through in my life and look, I'm still here. But he just gets through me. We were together for a really long time so he knows which buttons to push. I don't know why he doesn't realize how much he affects me. I mean, he had me when I was 20. The early twenties are the most formative years of an adult's life and it is when they are most sensitive and vulnerable. Their environment, the people they hang out with, the things they learn, and the culture they pick up during these years are what sticks to them all through their life. Their future likes and dislikes, values, morals, have their foundation set on everything they consume during this age. This is also the time that a person experiences the most drastic changes in his or her life. The individual eventually learns what he or she really wants and picks them out from all the clutter, keeps them in his or her life box, and throws the rest of them away. I have a lot to say about this matter but I know he would never listen. Like he would never believe that I am also hurt. That he is the reason I am this dysfunctional. And I am not blaming him, it was also my choice, it's just that he was around at that time and he was there when all of those happened and really, it just didn't work out. I don't want to have any regrets but sometimes I find myself wishing I had never met him. I loved him too much. I should have been focusing on my personal growth, I got too complacent with where I was with my life. During your twenties. believe me, you can't afford to have an insecure partner preventing you from going out there and building your future (and this doesn't even pertain to school or work, just your life in general). Even when you think that your partner is fully in support of what you're doing and you think that they don't limit you in any way and that you have everything under control, it is STILL better not to have one. Seriously. It may sound miserable but believe me, it is actually the complete opposite; it is the best gift you can give yourself--independence.
---
I liked him, always have, and I missed my chance. This doesn't make me sad--time can be cruel--in fact, I can say it made me hopeful. That I will meet someone I will like as much, unexpectedly, without asking or looking. Or more importantly, that I don't have to meet anyone, I can be happy for others and for myself even as a lone one. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in a relationship just yet.
---
It stuck with me, that line--There is more to life than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Now this statement is who I have always been and I don't think I plan to change that. Recently there have been instances, influenced by my current close circle of friends, of superficiality, but I don't want to loose footing on who I want to be so I'm keeping this in mind. Always, always be sensible. There is no part of me I want removed or replaced, I just want a better version. I'm focusing on who I want to be, not who I am and definitely not what people say I have become.
---
At the end of the day though, I just want to be a mom. I know that sounds weird coming from me because I'm all for creating and la vie boheme and seizing the shit out every single day but I still find that that's what I really want. And that I want to put up a pre-school. Gahhhhhhhh
It's 3:30 in the morning and I know I should be sleeping or writing that godforsaken event script at least.
I'm just having problems with my ex. I really just wanted to remember something good but this is where we end up after all. I'm sorry, I'm not being selfish (hell, everyone knows I can be the most selfless friend), I just can't handle him. I can't even say I'm not strong enough of a person because I know that despite my crazies I know that I am and I know how many god-knows-what I have gone through in my life and look, I'm still here. But he just gets through me. We were together for a really long time so he knows which buttons to push. I don't know why he doesn't realize how much he affects me. I mean, he had me when I was 20. The early twenties are the most formative years of an adult's life and it is when they are most sensitive and vulnerable. Their environment, the people they hang out with, the things they learn, and the culture they pick up during these years are what sticks to them all through their life. Their future likes and dislikes, values, morals, have their foundation set on everything they consume during this age. This is also the time that a person experiences the most drastic changes in his or her life. The individual eventually learns what he or she really wants and picks them out from all the clutter, keeps them in his or her life box, and throws the rest of them away. I have a lot to say about this matter but I know he would never listen. Like he would never believe that I am also hurt. That he is the reason I am this dysfunctional. And I am not blaming him, it was also my choice, it's just that he was around at that time and he was there when all of those happened and really, it just didn't work out. I don't want to have any regrets but sometimes I find myself wishing I had never met him. I loved him too much. I should have been focusing on my personal growth, I got too complacent with where I was with my life. During your twenties. believe me, you can't afford to have an insecure partner preventing you from going out there and building your future (and this doesn't even pertain to school or work, just your life in general). Even when you think that your partner is fully in support of what you're doing and you think that they don't limit you in any way and that you have everything under control, it is STILL better not to have one. Seriously. It may sound miserable but believe me, it is actually the complete opposite; it is the best gift you can give yourself--independence.
---
I liked him, always have, and I missed my chance. This doesn't make me sad--time can be cruel--in fact, I can say it made me hopeful. That I will meet someone I will like as much, unexpectedly, without asking or looking. Or more importantly, that I don't have to meet anyone, I can be happy for others and for myself even as a lone one. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in a relationship just yet.
---
It stuck with me, that line--There is more to life than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Now this statement is who I have always been and I don't think I plan to change that. Recently there have been instances, influenced by my current close circle of friends, of superficiality, but I don't want to loose footing on who I want to be so I'm keeping this in mind. Always, always be sensible. There is no part of me I want removed or replaced, I just want a better version. I'm focusing on who I want to be, not who I am and definitely not what people say I have become.
---
At the end of the day though, I just want to be a mom. I know that sounds weird coming from me because I'm all for creating and la vie boheme and seizing the shit out every single day but I still find that that's what I really want. And that I want to put up a pre-school. Gahhhhhhhh
4.8.14
Ganito kasi 'yan
Miss na kita. Wala na akong naka-connect na papantay sa atin noon. At sa totoo lang, mahal naman talaga kita. Kaso baliw ka, e. As in, hindi bilang adjective, bilang noun. Bilang tao. Ang gusto ko lang naman mangyari ay mawala 'yung kabaliwan mo. Pero sino ba ako para diktahan 'yon, 'di ba? Alam ko namang hindi madali. Ako nga struggling pa rin at nababaliw pa rin from time to time. Siguro kasi alam ko na ngayon na kayang igpawan ang kabaliwan. Hindi man totally, pero enough para hindi maging destructive. Ang pinaka-sane na mga araw/linggo/buwan ng buhay ko ay 'yung wala ka. O, hindi na subjective feelings 'yan. Based na 'yan sa true story. Marami pa akong proof kung bakit ka baliw at kung bakit nababaliw ako 'pag nandyan ka and not in a good way. Pero hindi ko na kaya isa-isahin 'yun, e. Gano'n s'ya nakakabaliw. Masyado na ring maraming masasakit at malalim na things, hindi na kaya tapalan ng bagong memories.
Sayang. Mahal naman talaga kita, e.
Sayang. Mahal naman talaga kita, e.
tangina n'yo pala e
ayoko na talaga muna ng lalaki. sana lumayo-layo muna sila sa 'kin utang na loob.
3.8.14
Someday
Okay, I'm not doing this right now, I have to work.
I'm lucky to have these projects on hand and I shouldn't put it to waste. I can do this. Deadline lang 'yan.
shet ang pogi ng crush ko
Ang tagal na nun. Pero ang sakit pa rin. In love pa rin ako sa mga ala-alang iniwan mo.
I wish there was a chance for a different timeline. I wish you didn't have to be an asshole. But I don't wish to have done things differently. I'm done blaming myself. It was all you. You ruined it all. You and your self-righteousness.
I wish there was a chance for a different timeline. I wish you didn't have to be an asshole. But I don't wish to have done things differently. I'm done blaming myself. It was all you. You ruined it all. You and your self-righteousness.
24.7.14
Hot
Sobra 'yung inis ko. Kailangan kong magpalipas ng init ng ulo. Ano kayang pwedeng gawin?
Magdala kaya ako ng libro? O tumakbo? Pwede 'yung takbo. Kemerat din siguro, ;no?
Magdala kaya ako ng libro? O tumakbo? Pwede 'yung takbo. Kemerat din siguro, ;no?
Pagpili
'Yan tayo, e. Lagi na lang na tayong mali ng pinipili. May pagkakataon na ako pinalampas ko pa. Bakit? Kasi pinili ko na naman 'yung luma. Akala ko mas safe. Ang tanga ko talaga. Ayoko na. Lagi na lang ang akong talo.
So ngayon tinatamad na naman akong mag-aral. Buset.
So ngayon tinatamad na naman akong mag-aral. Buset.
Turn of events
So I might be enrolling this semester. (I need to learn to write again, else I'm in for a deep shit.)
I'm not sure why I'm going back to school. It was an impulsive decision, I admit, and I'm sure it isn't going to be a fun ride.
Wala na naman akong gana sa lahat. Wala na yung Rosspiration ko. Bleagh. Nevermind, I'm find with that. I want my drinking buddy.
I'm not sure why I'm going back to school. It was an impulsive decision, I admit, and I'm sure it isn't going to be a fun ride.
Wala na naman akong gana sa lahat. Wala na yung Rosspiration ko. Bleagh. Nevermind, I'm find with that. I want my drinking buddy.
15.7.14
Level 54: Restraint
I think I reached a new level of maturity there, when I quit F's prod. Maybe I am starting to learn to avoid unnecessary stressors in my life. It was a project I would have really loved doing. Circumstances seemed to have permit it, the universe and all its star stuff seemed to have agreed on it. But I had grown wise enough to have surpassed something so powerful. I feel like Eugene in Ghost Fighter in his stronger-with-long-black-hair-but-wait-there's-more-it-turns-white mode. I am, proud of myself and at the same time, I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I would like to be able to tell him one day why I quit but I will have to find the words for it first. He has such great potential and this world needs him. He is destined for greatness and I don't want to be the one to cause him to stumble when he's almost there. So let him live the steady, because no matter how on-the-edge I believe one should live, steady is still good. I'm sure there's another timeline for us is what I'm saying.
(I need to learn to be patient again with writing. Including editing.)
I'm approaching my Day 100 in a week and boy, am I proud and not giving a fuck. Of course the thought ot betrayal and not being good enough still hurts a bit and I am still attracted to him sexually. But using all the strength I could muster, I have given up on the thought of anything romantic happening. It is true that you eventually go numb, or almost. I would like to still be friends with him, we enjoyed each other's company, after all. But please, no introductions to the new girlfriend yet. My current self-esteem is too low for that. I am confident that I am not going to relapse that I might just delete our convos right after this blog post.
And B? I miss talking with him and exchanging normal thoughts with him. Thoughts and ideas and stories I could only share with a few people and know that they, at least, get it. (Someone getting it is really a prize, understanding it is just a bonus). There came a point when I thought I have gotten over my romantic feelings for him and I could only see my relationship with him thereafter to be strictly platonic. I was proven wrong when I saw him again just a few weeks ago. I haven't seen him since the week after his thesis defense and I don't remember to have spent ample time talking to him. We haven't talked much virtually after that so I hadn't really been thinking about him but when I saw him, bam, he still has hold on me. He is still my ideal.
I don't feel like dating or seeing other guys. I only want those that I'm already familiar with. But maybe there just aren't any great men coming my way these days. The great men, you can never find them--like Night Furies--you'll just have to be perseverant, and patient that one day, you'll catch them. The three above? They were too great for my own good.
(I need to learn to be patient again with writing. Including editing.)
I'm approaching my Day 100 in a week and boy, am I proud and not giving a fuck. Of course the thought ot betrayal and not being good enough still hurts a bit and I am still attracted to him sexually. But using all the strength I could muster, I have given up on the thought of anything romantic happening. It is true that you eventually go numb, or almost. I would like to still be friends with him, we enjoyed each other's company, after all. But please, no introductions to the new girlfriend yet. My current self-esteem is too low for that. I am confident that I am not going to relapse that I might just delete our convos right after this blog post.
And B? I miss talking with him and exchanging normal thoughts with him. Thoughts and ideas and stories I could only share with a few people and know that they, at least, get it. (Someone getting it is really a prize, understanding it is just a bonus). There came a point when I thought I have gotten over my romantic feelings for him and I could only see my relationship with him thereafter to be strictly platonic. I was proven wrong when I saw him again just a few weeks ago. I haven't seen him since the week after his thesis defense and I don't remember to have spent ample time talking to him. We haven't talked much virtually after that so I hadn't really been thinking about him but when I saw him, bam, he still has hold on me. He is still my ideal.
I don't feel like dating or seeing other guys. I only want those that I'm already familiar with. But maybe there just aren't any great men coming my way these days. The great men, you can never find them--like Night Furies--you'll just have to be perseverant, and patient that one day, you'll catch them. The three above? They were too great for my own good.
Interlude
Now that I have the time, I'm not sure what to do. I miss living in in-betweens. I'm a little bummed that our press con will not be pushing through tomorrow due to typhoon Glenda and I'm more disappointed than I should be that I didn't get to hang out with B. I just miss the guy is all. It must be the weather. I miss the things that I had been doing around this time last year.
I am not really asking for much in my life. Just a few good friends and the opportunity to create.
Why am I doing production work? What does it have to do with who I want to be as a human being and how I want to live my life?
Am I hoping to learn anything from all this stuff I've been spending my time on? It's the only learning environment I get to have because I have stopped going to school a long time ago. Has my time and effort been worth it? What's the end goal? Where do I draw the line?
I wish I have the resources to learn new things. I'd love to learn how to dance. And write. And bake. And spend more time with crafts.
I know this post is icky and I would die if anybody gets to read all this ranting and it makes me think of myself less but I just have to get my thoughts in writing because there is nothing better to do.
See? Nothing better to do. Hay.
I am not really asking for much in my life. Just a few good friends and the opportunity to create.
Why am I doing production work? What does it have to do with who I want to be as a human being and how I want to live my life?
Am I hoping to learn anything from all this stuff I've been spending my time on? It's the only learning environment I get to have because I have stopped going to school a long time ago. Has my time and effort been worth it? What's the end goal? Where do I draw the line?
I wish I have the resources to learn new things. I'd love to learn how to dance. And write. And bake. And spend more time with crafts.
I know this post is icky and I would die if anybody gets to read all this ranting and it makes me think of myself less but I just have to get my thoughts in writing because there is nothing better to do.
See? Nothing better to do. Hay.
12.7.14
9.7.14
chos
Okay, ang chaka ko pala talaga magsulat dati.
Kahit gusto kong magsulat ngayon masyado na akong inaantok at maaga pa ako bukas. Pero at least, di ba, ineffort ko na mag-type ng kahit ano.
Aksaya space.
I wish I can still write like I used to. And I wish I can write anywhere I want to. And anytime I want to. I am so consumed with this little world that I have forgotten what it's like to create. But that's what I really want to do though.
Gahd I'm sleepy. Please don't hate me.
Kahit gusto kong magsulat ngayon masyado na akong inaantok at maaga pa ako bukas. Pero at least, di ba, ineffort ko na mag-type ng kahit ano.
Aksaya space.
I wish I can still write like I used to. And I wish I can write anywhere I want to. And anytime I want to. I am so consumed with this little world that I have forgotten what it's like to create. But that's what I really want to do though.
Gahd I'm sleepy. Please don't hate me.
7.7.14
And here comes the crash. Ang tinding relapse sa buhay. Hindi lang sa lovelife, as in sa buhay.
Kailangan ko na nga talaga ng bagong environment. Hindi na nag-wo-work 'to. Good call 'yung pag-quit ko kay F. Kailangan ko na sa mundong 'yon/'to.
I need something worthwhile to do. Ang mahirap, I've never felt that in anything other than activism. Activism was the only thing that made me feel whole. But I can't, I have to earn money at least.
So maybe I do need to study again. Maybe it doesn't have to be UP. Or maybe it doesn't have to be college. Just study something.
It is difficult to dream when I can't envision the future. I have no will for anything. I just know that I have to take care of the now. It isn't really bad thing, it's just that the now really sucks.
I have to go eat lunch now.
Kailangan ko na nga talaga ng bagong environment. Hindi na nag-wo-work 'to. Good call 'yung pag-quit ko kay F. Kailangan ko na sa mundong 'yon/'to.
I need something worthwhile to do. Ang mahirap, I've never felt that in anything other than activism. Activism was the only thing that made me feel whole. But I can't, I have to earn money at least.
So maybe I do need to study again. Maybe it doesn't have to be UP. Or maybe it doesn't have to be college. Just study something.
It is difficult to dream when I can't envision the future. I have no will for anything. I just know that I have to take care of the now. It isn't really bad thing, it's just that the now really sucks.
I have to go eat lunch now.
Tanginangbreaknasanka
Nasasaktan pa rin ako pero tanggap ko na. Does that make sense?
Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kapag nasaktan ka raw, most likely i-i-inflict mo rin 'yung pain na 'yun sa iba. Feeling ko nga. Feeling ko kailangan ko munang mamanhid pagkatapos nito.
Hindi ko nga gets kung bakit ba biglang ang big deal ng pagkakaroon ng someone sa buhay ko e. Nabubuhay naman ako dati nang ako lang. Walang pakialam kung may lovelife o wala. Ang takot ko ngayon pati ba naman self-affirmation hahanapin ko na rin sa iba? 'Wag ganon.
Kailangan ko ng mga bagong hobbies, o di kaya bumalik sa mga dating hobbies. Kailangan ko rin yatang dalasan ang pag-uwi sa mga magulang ko. Kailangan ko rin ng bagong mundo.
Ang hirap din ng maraming pinoproblema ha, sa totoo lang.
Feeling ko maximum ko na yung six months sa isang sirkulo. Ang dali ko kasing masaktan at ang tagal mag-move on.
Kailangan ko ngang mag-excel sa isang bagay. Pero bakit wala akong motivation? Actually gusto kong matutong sumayaw. Matagal ko nang frustration 'yon. Pwede naman 'di ba? Ay pora. Haaaay. Trabaho na naman bukas.
Malapit na namana kong ma-deps.
Pota.
Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kapag nasaktan ka raw, most likely i-i-inflict mo rin 'yung pain na 'yun sa iba. Feeling ko nga. Feeling ko kailangan ko munang mamanhid pagkatapos nito.
Hindi ko nga gets kung bakit ba biglang ang big deal ng pagkakaroon ng someone sa buhay ko e. Nabubuhay naman ako dati nang ako lang. Walang pakialam kung may lovelife o wala. Ang takot ko ngayon pati ba naman self-affirmation hahanapin ko na rin sa iba? 'Wag ganon.
Kailangan ko ng mga bagong hobbies, o di kaya bumalik sa mga dating hobbies. Kailangan ko rin yatang dalasan ang pag-uwi sa mga magulang ko. Kailangan ko rin ng bagong mundo.
Ang hirap din ng maraming pinoproblema ha, sa totoo lang.
Feeling ko maximum ko na yung six months sa isang sirkulo. Ang dali ko kasing masaktan at ang tagal mag-move on.
Kailangan ko ngang mag-excel sa isang bagay. Pero bakit wala akong motivation? Actually gusto kong matutong sumayaw. Matagal ko nang frustration 'yon. Pwede naman 'di ba? Ay pora. Haaaay. Trabaho na naman bukas.
Malapit na namana kong ma-deps.
Pota.
1.7.14
Shit, man
What do you know, it's Day 80! I can't express how proud I am with myself. This is awesome! And now maybe I am on that road to acceptance. The last 20 days and I'm still on track. Great job!
I should go to bed now. I wouldn't want to crash tomorrow.
I should go to bed now. I wouldn't want to crash tomorrow.
Tonight, I'm Not Bitter
I guess it's time that I admit to myself that I loved you. I fell deeply in love with you. I fell in love with you on the night of December 18, 2013. The night I saw you in a different light.
I admit that I was really hurt. It was you fault, of course. But tonight I understand. It is a different world, yours. One that I can never be a part of. While she, perfectly fits in it. It is a world that I would never truly understand even if I say that I do.
Tonight, I am genuinely happy for you. You are a great guy and I do not want you wasting your time on me anymore. Same way that I can no longer waste mine with you.
And this applies to the other guy too.
Nothing but happiness to the three of us!
I admit that I was really hurt. It was you fault, of course. But tonight I understand. It is a different world, yours. One that I can never be a part of. While she, perfectly fits in it. It is a world that I would never truly understand even if I say that I do.
Tonight, I am genuinely happy for you. You are a great guy and I do not want you wasting your time on me anymore. Same way that I can no longer waste mine with you.
And this applies to the other guy too.
Nothing but happiness to the three of us!
13.6.14
Shit
Death seems to be the easiest yet still difficult way out. I am left alone now, both literally and figuratively. With only P70 and things to buy for a shoot I've already committed to.
I am shit.
I don't really wish to disappear. I just want things to stop moving for a while, just so I can breathe.
I don't want to ask C for help anymore. He's already done enough and I haven't really given him anything in return.
I want to hurt myself.
I am shit.
I don't really wish to disappear. I just want things to stop moving for a while, just so I can breathe.
I don't want to ask C for help anymore. He's already done enough and I haven't really given him anything in return.
I want to hurt myself.
30.5.14
Plain
I miss you. Or the idea of you. I miss you/it so much it's gnawing my insides.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit putangina ang sakit. Ang sakit-sakit.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin.
It might have been just one shallow thing, but it still crushed whatever self-esteem I may have left.
I'd really like to say that I'm pretty enough or that I'm talented or even just good at something, at least. But I'm not. I was born average and forever will be.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit putangina ang sakit. Ang sakit-sakit.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin.
It might have been just one shallow thing, but it still crushed whatever self-esteem I may have left.
I'd really like to say that I'm pretty enough or that I'm talented or even just good at something, at least. But I'm not. I was born average and forever will be.
29.5.14
“We are rarely proud when we are alone.” ― Voltaire
Right now I feel like watching something. Because I am yearning to feel. Anything. I don't know what happened last night. I was cold. Because I was proud. I didn't want him to see my knees getting weak when he's around. I held back my words because I didn't want him to hear me stutter
And now, all my I-should-haves are stuck between me and my will to move. I already miss him.
And now, all my I-should-haves are stuck between me and my will to move. I already miss him.
27.5.14
Existentialismo
Today, when I got off the MRT, I felt a sudden sinking feeling. Why was I there? Why am I here? I looked around me and none of it made sense. But you know what it was beautiful. So yeah, I had never really dreamt of having a boring desk job while raising a family too early in my life and I never really got around to figuring out what I really want to do, but I do know that there is the need to do something for this world. Like an offer or a service or an ode. I looked around me and saw city sky scrapers, bustling cars, softened by a filter of gray from the cloudy weather, and I thought about what I wanted to do right there and then. I wanted to write about it or take a picture of it. Just something. There is no point of having all these if we can't create something out of whatever this is.
So there, which is probably I appear to be a bit peculiar, which is also probably why I will never meet a decent man that I would want to have seven children with. I'm a dork.
Leave Me Alone
Right now what I really want is some peace and quiet. But my ex is playing the ukulele and keeps talking bullshit with my roommate.I wish I have some good heaphones. Now that's another thing I need to add in my long list of things to buy. Like I'm not poor enough already.
God. Really.
I'm in that mood. When I just want to do things I want to do by myself. Distrub me and I will wage a war.
Of course I can't really do that. 'Cause I"m a cultured, functioning member of society.
And really, I just want to listen to my music, But they conveniently decide to watch a fucking movie. A fucking loud movie.
Imma go smoke some weed.
God. Really.
I'm in that mood. When I just want to do things I want to do by myself. Distrub me and I will wage a war.
Of course I can't really do that. 'Cause I"m a cultured, functioning member of society.
And really, I just want to listen to my music, But they conveniently decide to watch a fucking movie. A fucking loud movie.
Imma go smoke some weed.
26.5.14
Weather-Weather Things
And here we go again. This feeling of wanting to do a lot of things. The urge to dream.
Really, I believe that there are a lot of things that I can do. But not things that are good enough creatively. I'm sure I can get rich if I wanted to. Get a desk job at a big corporation, work my way up, the works. But do I want to do that? No. I like doing things that challenge me. Things I'm not good at. Things I know I can do without investing capital. Which is why I can't really do photography as much as I want to, I don't have money for a camera. Who knows though, maybe I'll do that someday.
I'm going to start saving up, maybe. It's hard to do that with a lot of side projects though. I don't really believe in saving up, is the problem. I believe in doing things in the now, for the now. I don't see the point of doing things for something that isn't here yet or anymore. I'm not sure if this is the right perspective. It probably isn't. But it's getting me by. And that's the plan, just to get on with things. Not go crazy and try my best not to kill myself, most importantly.
I wish I have more time though. I wish I have enough time for both work and thoughts. But it's always one or the other. I have to give up thinking when I have to work and I have to give up work to give some time to thoughts. Like right now. I just have to find a better balance, is all. Sometimes I just feel physically exhausted to even think so I just resort to sleeping or hanging out with friends.
Which is why this onset of the rainy weather is a bit helpful. It triggered feelings I haven't had in a while. I know I shouldn't be enabling this mood but oh well, I've always been hard-headed.
Really, I believe that there are a lot of things that I can do. But not things that are good enough creatively. I'm sure I can get rich if I wanted to. Get a desk job at a big corporation, work my way up, the works. But do I want to do that? No. I like doing things that challenge me. Things I'm not good at. Things I know I can do without investing capital. Which is why I can't really do photography as much as I want to, I don't have money for a camera. Who knows though, maybe I'll do that someday.
I'm going to start saving up, maybe. It's hard to do that with a lot of side projects though. I don't really believe in saving up, is the problem. I believe in doing things in the now, for the now. I don't see the point of doing things for something that isn't here yet or anymore. I'm not sure if this is the right perspective. It probably isn't. But it's getting me by. And that's the plan, just to get on with things. Not go crazy and try my best not to kill myself, most importantly.
I wish I have more time though. I wish I have enough time for both work and thoughts. But it's always one or the other. I have to give up thinking when I have to work and I have to give up work to give some time to thoughts. Like right now. I just have to find a better balance, is all. Sometimes I just feel physically exhausted to even think so I just resort to sleeping or hanging out with friends.
Which is why this onset of the rainy weather is a bit helpful. It triggered feelings I haven't had in a while. I know I shouldn't be enabling this mood but oh well, I've always been hard-headed.
21.5.14
Breathe
Kasi tangina mo, i-reto mo mukha mo. Gaano ka-kupal ang isang tao para sabihin 'yon, 'di ba? I. Cannot. Imagine. But it happened. It did. Fuck you. I deserve better. You're shit.
20.5.14
Summerchild
It's Day 38. Or 37.
It's not his fault. I did this to myself. I was the one who kissed him and pulled him downstairs. None of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so manic.
But that's me. I fall in love with the first person who likes me. He was so nice and I bet he still is in some ways but just not to me. Because he realized he never really liked me in that way. It was just a spur of the moment hypersexuality thing. He caught me at the wrong time though. I was ready. I wanted someone.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you through that.
But you shouldn't had been an asshole too.
Now I guess I'm back with games.
-------
She's nicer. The girl next door. Can't say prettier, but takes care of herself more. She's a dream girl. I've always thought that she was a rebound. That you just wanted someone to play with after we were done. But now I realize that I am the rebound. The second choice. The booty call.
I shouldn't have stalked her social media. This is what happens.
Forget about her, she is not important in the equation.
Although it makes it easier for me to move on when I think about him having someone else.
Obviously I'm conflicted.
-------
And you. There are no more sparks. I wish I could still look at you and feel the same awkwardness, because that would mean there's still something there. But we're like old friends now. I think I love you more now and still care about you, but we know we cannot happen. Not in this timeline. How perfect that would be though. Just thinking of the things we can do together makes me happy. But nope, not in this timeline.
-------
And you. I'll forever enjoy that little youthful tension I feel whenever I'm around you. Yours were there the first pair of eyes I got lost in.
-------
No, I am not available for dating until further notice.
It's not his fault. I did this to myself. I was the one who kissed him and pulled him downstairs. None of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so manic.
But that's me. I fall in love with the first person who likes me. He was so nice and I bet he still is in some ways but just not to me. Because he realized he never really liked me in that way. It was just a spur of the moment hypersexuality thing. He caught me at the wrong time though. I was ready. I wanted someone.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you through that.
But you shouldn't had been an asshole too.
Now I guess I'm back with games.
-------
She's nicer. The girl next door. Can't say prettier, but takes care of herself more. She's a dream girl. I've always thought that she was a rebound. That you just wanted someone to play with after we were done. But now I realize that I am the rebound. The second choice. The booty call.
I shouldn't have stalked her social media. This is what happens.
Forget about her, she is not important in the equation.
Although it makes it easier for me to move on when I think about him having someone else.
Obviously I'm conflicted.
-------
And you. There are no more sparks. I wish I could still look at you and feel the same awkwardness, because that would mean there's still something there. But we're like old friends now. I think I love you more now and still care about you, but we know we cannot happen. Not in this timeline. How perfect that would be though. Just thinking of the things we can do together makes me happy. But nope, not in this timeline.
-------
And you. I'll forever enjoy that little youthful tension I feel whenever I'm around you. Yours were there the first pair of eyes I got lost in.
-------
No, I am not available for dating until further notice.
18.4.14
Day 6: Lumaklak ka ng realidad
I might be going crazy. I've been thinking about him 24/7 since. I am tempted to look at his profile page but scared of what I might find. Because I am still in denial. I refuse to accept that he has already moved on.
I want to text him but I fear rejection. I've been left behind too many times in this lifetime that I feel like one more rejection will send me to the asylum.
If he does reply to my text though, I wouldn't know what to feel. I don't think I'd be happy either. I just want to move on and focus on myself. I have nothing to offer him.
I want to text him but I fear rejection. I've been left behind too many times in this lifetime that I feel like one more rejection will send me to the asylum.
If he does reply to my text though, I wouldn't know what to feel. I don't think I'd be happy either. I just want to move on and focus on myself. I have nothing to offer him.
14.4.14
Day 2A: Naaalala kita 'pag nakadilat at nakapikit ako
Kailangan kong ulit-ulitin sa sarili ko na "Asshole s'ya, asshole s'ya, asshole sya." pero hindi ko alam kung naniniwala pa rin ako. PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Kinukunsinti ko lang ba 'tong feelings na 'to? May choice ba, pwede bang hindi maramdaman 'to?
So how do I cope without getting intoxicated?
So I Googled "heartbreak" and "bipolar disorder" just so I can see the possible ways I can deal with this without getting any more mental.
I'm not sure it helped.
I just have to be proud with myself that I was able to make such difficult decision. It was the wise thing to do. Yes.
Kinukunsinti ko lang ba 'tong feelings na 'to? May choice ba, pwede bang hindi maramdaman 'to?
So how do I cope without getting intoxicated?
So I Googled "heartbreak" and "bipolar disorder" just so I can see the possible ways I can deal with this without getting any more mental.
I'm not sure it helped.
I just have to be proud with myself that I was able to make such difficult decision. It was the wise thing to do. Yes.
Day Two: I see your smile everywhere! Gaaaaaaaaaaah!
Ang sakit in so many parts. Actually ang sakit all over.
Maybe I'm just crashing and that's sort of my fault but FUCK, it is not getting any easier. The positivity of yesterday is gone and the possibility of the future unclear.
I remember him in every song. My heart slowly breaks everytime I hear a tune. He was on my mind when I saw the sun rise and I'll probably remember him when I look at the moon.
He is fucking everywhere.
Now I do not doubt the 100 days. I do need time.
Our conversation that night keeps playing in my head and I keep second-guessing my decision and thinking, oh pride, your cruel, cruel thing. What if what I thought was the wise decision was just my ego talking? Because I wanted to have the last say. I didn't want to look like I was begging him to take him me back even if that's exactly what I wanted him to say. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand all through the night.
But enough, he said it, he wasn't ready. I can't do with that. There's no future there.
Why am I even thinking about the future?
Shit. God damn.
I have to stand by what I said and I have to remember how much of an asshole he was. And I have to remember that he's dating someone now and by what I am told, he even brings her food in the rehearsals.
ENOUGH, DEE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESE THOUGHTS. HE IS AN ASSHOLE, CORRECT?
Yeah. Right.
Maybe I'm just crashing and that's sort of my fault but FUCK, it is not getting any easier. The positivity of yesterday is gone and the possibility of the future unclear.
I remember him in every song. My heart slowly breaks everytime I hear a tune. He was on my mind when I saw the sun rise and I'll probably remember him when I look at the moon.
He is fucking everywhere.
Now I do not doubt the 100 days. I do need time.
Our conversation that night keeps playing in my head and I keep second-guessing my decision and thinking, oh pride, your cruel, cruel thing. What if what I thought was the wise decision was just my ego talking? Because I wanted to have the last say. I didn't want to look like I was begging him to take him me back even if that's exactly what I wanted him to say. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand all through the night.
But enough, he said it, he wasn't ready. I can't do with that. There's no future there.
Why am I even thinking about the future?
Shit. God damn.
I have to stand by what I said and I have to remember how much of an asshole he was. And I have to remember that he's dating someone now and by what I am told, he even brings her food in the rehearsals.
ENOUGH, DEE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESE THOUGHTS. HE IS AN ASSHOLE, CORRECT?
Yeah. Right.
13.4.14
Day 1
I haven't been hurt this much by another person. And the stupidest thing is, I still like him. But I have decided--I'm through. If he doesn't like me enough to try and make things work then I'm done. I've been hurt too many times in this lifetime and I'm not willing to risk another for something that is not going to work in the long run anyway. I might be being too safe but hey, I've got my emotional health to take care of. I'm crazy enough as it is.
Today is the first day of my 100 Days to Moving On. A hundred days may seem too long, but those who have gone through the rollercoaster of a process called moving on would agree that it's a shitty long ride.. I shall lose feelings for him sooner than 100 days but to totally move on is a different challenge altogether. And also given my history of hanging on for too long in all cases, this would be probably the second most difficult challenge of the year, next to paying debts. I can't promise that there won't be moments of relapse--there will be a lot. But I shall try my best never to make the first move.
20 days of Denial
20 days of Anger
20 days of Bargaining
7 days of Depression (sorry, 20 days might kill me.)
Then Acceptance
This might be too ideal but I'm just throwing it out there. We'll see. At least I have found a way to amuse myself out of this crappiola of a situation.
Fact #1: I like him. Primarily because I chose him. I thought he was different. Isn't that always the story?
Fact #2: He might have liked me at one point but not enough to see it through.
Fact #3: If he shows just a slight hint that he still likes me, I'll come running back to him.
Let's be honest here, if Fact #3 does happen, I'd probably lose my mind. I should just remember not to invest any feelings. Just be cold inside. I can do that. I know I can. I've never but that doesn't mean I can't.
More importantly, do not expect and do not wish for Fact #3 to happen! Let's try to do this as less complicated as possible.
Let Day 1 begin.
Today is the first day of my 100 Days to Moving On. A hundred days may seem too long, but those who have gone through the rollercoaster of a process called moving on would agree that it's a shitty long ride.. I shall lose feelings for him sooner than 100 days but to totally move on is a different challenge altogether. And also given my history of hanging on for too long in all cases, this would be probably the second most difficult challenge of the year, next to paying debts. I can't promise that there won't be moments of relapse--there will be a lot. But I shall try my best never to make the first move.
20 days of Denial
20 days of Anger
20 days of Bargaining
7 days of Depression (sorry, 20 days might kill me.)
Then Acceptance
This might be too ideal but I'm just throwing it out there. We'll see. At least I have found a way to amuse myself out of this crappiola of a situation.
Fact #1: I like him. Primarily because I chose him. I thought he was different. Isn't that always the story?
Fact #2: He might have liked me at one point but not enough to see it through.
Fact #3: If he shows just a slight hint that he still likes me, I'll come running back to him.
Let's be honest here, if Fact #3 does happen, I'd probably lose my mind. I should just remember not to invest any feelings. Just be cold inside. I can do that. I know I can. I've never but that doesn't mean I can't.
More importantly, do not expect and do not wish for Fact #3 to happen! Let's try to do this as less complicated as possible.
Let Day 1 begin.
4.4.14
kelan ba
Minsan mapapatanong ka na lang sa hangin, habang nakahiga, nakatititg sa kisame; kailan ba nagbago? Kukunin mo cellphone mo o mag-la-log in ka sa Facebook mo, babalikan mo 'yung convos n'yo, hahanapin mo; kailan ba nagbago?
Isang araw daw bigla na lang n'yang naisip, gusto n'yang mag-focus sa craft n'ya at sa sarili n'ya. Pero hinahanap mo, wala namang marka sa documentation mo ng buhay n'yo kung saan kaya nagbago. Excuse.
'Yung isa, hindi mo talaga mawari. Hindi mo alam kung pagsisisihan mong bigla kang nawala. Na siya ay bata at ikaw may mga responsibilidad ng isang matanda. Hindi na kaya ang mga dating pasulpot-sulpot na adventures.
Sana bumalik na lang ang lahat sa dati. Promise, ibibigay ko ang lahat, hihintayin ko ang sagot mo, at hindi ako papayag sa "keri".
Isang araw daw bigla na lang n'yang naisip, gusto n'yang mag-focus sa craft n'ya at sa sarili n'ya. Pero hinahanap mo, wala namang marka sa documentation mo ng buhay n'yo kung saan kaya nagbago. Excuse.
'Yung isa, hindi mo talaga mawari. Hindi mo alam kung pagsisisihan mong bigla kang nawala. Na siya ay bata at ikaw may mga responsibilidad ng isang matanda. Hindi na kaya ang mga dating pasulpot-sulpot na adventures.
Sana bumalik na lang ang lahat sa dati. Promise, ibibigay ko ang lahat, hihintayin ko ang sagot mo, at hindi ako papayag sa "keri".
27.3.14
Babay
Tulad ng kahit anong bagay na nakasama nang matagal, mahirap iwan basta-basta. Napagtanto ko, lahat ng desisyon ng paglisan ay may nakakabit na pait. Sabihin pang makakabuti, sabahin pang kinakailangan.
Pakiramdam ay tulad ng mga tanong. Sa akin lang kaya may halaga ang mga bagay? Ako lang kaya ang nakakaalala ng mga detalye tulad ng alikabok sa sulok ng pintuan? Minahal n'ya ba ako kahit kaunti, kahit minsan? Nagandahan ba talaga s'ya noong tinuro ko ang buwan?
Naaala mo kaya ang pagtakbo sa mauulang hapon? Ang biyahe ng bus papuntang rally? Ang pagkikita sa ilalim ng Philcoa overpass?
Papunta ako sa 'yo ngayon, para kumuha ng maleta. Pati paglisan ko ng bahay sa 'yo nakasalalay. Ano ba 'yan.
Just like the old times
I wish I can write
Sing
Dance
Take beats
From the heart
Meet the sun
With a new string of songs
Sing
Dance
Take beats
From the heart
Meet the sun
With a new string of songs
18.2.14
Maaari ba akong umiyak lang ngayong gabi?
Ang problema, pati pag-iyak hindi ko na makuhang gawin. Hindi ko na kayang gumalaw. Pwede bang hindi na? Pwede bang tangina ng mundo ayaw muna kitang makita?
O pwede rin bang nandito ka na lang sa tabi ko? O sige, kahit sumaglit lang sa isang araw? Kahit saan, kahit papaano, kahit kailan. Pwede bang marinig ko lang na ika'y akin pa rin? Na ika'y hihintayin pa rin? Sa kabila ng lahat, iyon lang; ikaw lang.
O pwede rin bang nandito ka na lang sa tabi ko? O sige, kahit sumaglit lang sa isang araw? Kahit saan, kahit papaano, kahit kailan. Pwede bang marinig ko lang na ika'y akin pa rin? Na ika'y hihintayin pa rin? Sa kabila ng lahat, iyon lang; ikaw lang.
12.2.14
9.2.14
99 problems
It feels weird to be happy. I need to gain my ground again because it's going to be a whole day's work tomorrow. There's still a lot of things I have to do for this prod and I shouldn't have smoked.
The only thing I have to figure out now is money. Where and how do I get fast money?
Oh well. I'll leave that for tomorrow. Good night.
Fleeting happiness.
The only thing I have to figure out now is money. Where and how do I get fast money?
Oh well. I'll leave that for tomorrow. Good night.
Fleeting happiness.
8.2.14
It's Friday night and all your friends are at your ex's birthday party
No one and nothing else in the world.
Cellphone rings.
"Hi! Where are you?"
"I just got home"
"Are you going out tonight?"
Kind of planning to kill myself actually. What's up?
"Nah, I'm tired. Are you going to my ex's party?"
"I don't think so. You guys are not going anyway."
"No, they're going! You MUST go."
"Really? Alright, I'll call them up,"
Call ends.
There's nothing to hold on to.
"Hi, baby!"
Nothing.
Hopelessness. It's the worst feeling in the world.
"Where are you?"
"Just finished with rehearsals. Why?"
Can you come over and kill me?
"Nothing. Just bored."
"Are you doing anything tonight?"
No reply.
It's the end of the desert.
"Hey, baby, sorry if I haven't been replying to your texts. Awful lot of things to do. :( Good night. See you soon!"
"It's cool. :) Good night."
"Hey, baby, sorry if I haven't been replying to your texts. Awful lot of things to do. :( Good night. See you soon!"
"It's cool. :) Good night."
The fish is dead.
13.1.14
Basag trip nga
Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be like Antigone?
I made the effort of going to where P is tonight. I was hesitant to go only because I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday because so typical of me, I forgot to bring my toothbrush. But I had to. And I didn't know what to do. He is mesmerizing and perfect and wonderful and I am this. I am average. I am an intimidated commoner in love with a masterpiece.
I liked a status of his on Facebook for the first time tonight. Just to show that I care. It's a small gesture yet also a grand one on this day and age. People take these things seriously. I hope I don't push him away eventually.
I am sleepy and hungry. The healthiest thing to do would be to sleep and yet here I am.
Must take better care of myself now. Good night.
I made the effort of going to where P is tonight. I was hesitant to go only because I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday because so typical of me, I forgot to bring my toothbrush. But I had to. And I didn't know what to do. He is mesmerizing and perfect and wonderful and I am this. I am average. I am an intimidated commoner in love with a masterpiece.
I liked a status of his on Facebook for the first time tonight. Just to show that I care. It's a small gesture yet also a grand one on this day and age. People take these things seriously. I hope I don't push him away eventually.
I am sleepy and hungry. The healthiest thing to do would be to sleep and yet here I am.
Must take better care of myself now. Good night.
10.1.14
Online
Tangina, I am so frustrated with where this is going or with not knowing where this is going. How can the person you like be online and you do not talk to them? Maybe I just need to distract myself because obviously he already is distracted. This is what I hate about dating theater people, because I don't get them. I also don't get musicians. And writers. I get filmmakers. Now there you go. Film it is. Or maybe I should expose myself more to theater to help me understand.
He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--
And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.
It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.
I SUCK SO MUCH.
He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--
And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.
It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.
I SUCK SO MUCH.
Friday Morning
Good morning. You're still the first thing on my mind. That's okay, this is not new. I experienced the same thing with B and F. I just don't want to be left hanging. You can tell me if I'm being clingy, or if you can't text me as often as you used to, or if you don't want this anymore. But don't leave me hanging. Communication is important to me. And if you can't give me that, this isn't going to work.
Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)
Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)
9.1.14
Just Because
I have made the baby step towards productivity by writing my To-Do List but I can't get through the day without writing about you first.
Because I like you. I like you not because we kiss, or hug, or have sex. I just like you. Because you take my breath away and fill my lungs with sweet air at the same time. I like you not because I think you can fly. I like you because you walk. You run. You dance. Just like I do. I like you not because you are the Sun, but because no matter how gloomy things would get, I'd still think the sun shines out of your ass. Not because we enjoy dinner conversations, but because we enjoy (devouring) our food in silence without feeling awkward about it. Not because you look good and every girl wants to be with you, but because I want to be with you and do everything with you.
Because I like you. I like you not because we kiss, or hug, or have sex. I just like you. Because you take my breath away and fill my lungs with sweet air at the same time. I like you not because I think you can fly. I like you because you walk. You run. You dance. Just like I do. I like you not because you are the Sun, but because no matter how gloomy things would get, I'd still think the sun shines out of your ass. Not because we enjoy dinner conversations, but because we enjoy (devouring) our food in silence without feeling awkward about it. Not because you look good and every girl wants to be with you, but because I want to be with you and do everything with you.
6.1.14
Afternoon D
I need to focus on work. No more dilly-dallying. I need to earn enough money to get me through this life. Really, because I also need to start spending on therapy and meds again. My early part of a year is usually spent on the arts and that's what I intend to do again this year. In order to sustain that I need to be able to support myself financially.
So no matter how down I am right now I know that I need to move. I'm really sleepy and I feel like giving in to my mood but I know that I can't. Maybe I should start with walking around the campus, and maybe even go for a run. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish something after.
So no matter how down I am right now I know that I need to move. I'm really sleepy and I feel like giving in to my mood but I know that I can't. Maybe I should start with walking around the campus, and maybe even go for a run. Hopefully, I'll actually be able to finish something after.
In love and still bipolar
P and I were supposed to go on a lunch date today but he woke up late so we rain checked. I don't mind, I know that he's busy and exhausted from everyday's rehearsals but I just thought it would be my little bit of feel good to see him just for a second, to get me through the day and even the week.
I imagine if I was in a better mood I would have insisted that I see him before his rehearsals even without lunch, but I'm down and have no capacity to make such happy decisions. I know I underestimate myself but I have learned that the best way to deal with this mood is to let it pass and just do my best to survive while I'm in the midst of it.
Maybe I shouldn't pour out my feelings to him so much yet. I don't want to scare him off. Everything in proper time.
Also, I have so much work to finish I really can't afford to stay here and wallow. I'll probably just end up watching Downton Abbey. Problem with my parents' house though is the shitty internet connection that I will have to make do with because really, I have to get my shit together and petty problems like these should not even deserve a spot in this blog.
i wish the weather would just clear up for a few days. I need my sunshine to recharge. I need my focus, my super-working-power.
Oh dear, I wish I'm making the best decision right now.
And I really have to start filling out my mood diary and also just grow the fuck up.
I imagine if I was in a better mood I would have insisted that I see him before his rehearsals even without lunch, but I'm down and have no capacity to make such happy decisions. I know I underestimate myself but I have learned that the best way to deal with this mood is to let it pass and just do my best to survive while I'm in the midst of it.
Maybe I shouldn't pour out my feelings to him so much yet. I don't want to scare him off. Everything in proper time.
Also, I have so much work to finish I really can't afford to stay here and wallow. I'll probably just end up watching Downton Abbey. Problem with my parents' house though is the shitty internet connection that I will have to make do with because really, I have to get my shit together and petty problems like these should not even deserve a spot in this blog.
i wish the weather would just clear up for a few days. I need my sunshine to recharge. I need my focus, my super-working-power.
Oh dear, I wish I'm making the best decision right now.
And I really have to start filling out my mood diary and also just grow the fuck up.
5.1.14
P has been nothing but good to me and I miss him every minute of every motherfucking day. And I don't want anything else in the world but to come home to him every night.
But I still think about B, and all the moments we had. My craziness that only he, up to this point, understands, because he can be just the same. The late cloudy afternoon runs and endless talks. The time he held my hand but I chose to let go before it even happened. The long bus rides, to and from our hometown. The lone times at one house party and another one. I felt it then. I know I didn't imagine them, the sparks.
I sometimes also think about F, His kiss, his skin. The way he makes me laugh. The silence. The way we hanged out like we were best friends, and more. His sweetness and sometimes, immaturity. I'd like to hang out with him again, as friends.
But I still think about B, and all the moments we had. My craziness that only he, up to this point, understands, because he can be just the same. The late cloudy afternoon runs and endless talks. The time he held my hand but I chose to let go before it even happened. The long bus rides, to and from our hometown. The lone times at one house party and another one. I felt it then. I know I didn't imagine them, the sparks.
I sometimes also think about F, His kiss, his skin. The way he makes me laugh. The silence. The way we hanged out like we were best friends, and more. His sweetness and sometimes, immaturity. I'd like to hang out with him again, as friends.
Star
when something is too good to be true
do you just pass it off as that?
or do you embrace it
give it a chance
it might be worth it and though sometimes it's too much
that it might hurt
a lot
you still hang on that
this
little bit of sunbeam
will be yours
until the world goes dark
do you just pass it off as that?
or do you embrace it
give it a chance
it might be worth it and though sometimes it's too much
that it might hurt
a lot
you still hang on that
this
little bit of sunbeam
will be yours
until the world goes dark
3.1.14
high
a hot guy is sleeping next to me right now then xx's intro comes on on 8tracks. i want to rape him so bad.
28.12.13
27.12.13
25.12.13
26. First date(?).
I realized that the reason I can't sleep is I have a lot of things on my mind. I have to go pick up my check tomorrow and then figure out how to get one more ID and then go to the back and then head to QC. I hope I finish early. I'm already anxious as it is. There's a possibility that things might not go well tomorrow but we'll see. I don't have anything planned but seeing that we don't have that much in common I'm not sure what we're going to talk about. These are things that were easy with B, and even with F. But P is just different. I like him though so I'm willing to give it a shot. If it does fail, well...
23.12.13
20.12.13
He doesn't like you, just your rack
I figured I'm sober enough to revisit last night's text messages. That's when it dawned on me. He only liked me last night. Last night was too good to be true, so is he. So I missed my chance for a lustful night. But maybe it's better that way, yes? I wouldn't want any trouble between him and F as they're close friends.
Sometimes I'm so daft. Especially with these things! Nobody told me that I was supposed to take him home. Well, G apparently told me in his text but I was too drunk I don't remember!
Oh, well. Guys these days. So he didn't really like me. He just wanted me for the night. I see that now. I wish I could have known it sooner.
Me and my grandeur dreams of romantic love. Tss, mania. I always end up embarrassing myself.
Sometimes I'm so daft. Especially with these things! Nobody told me that I was supposed to take him home. Well, G apparently told me in his text but I was too drunk I don't remember!
Oh, well. Guys these days. So he didn't really like me. He just wanted me for the night. I see that now. I wish I could have known it sooner.
Me and my grandeur dreams of romantic love. Tss, mania. I always end up embarrassing myself.
18.12.13
16.12.13
19
No, I can't play this game anymore. I'm ending it on Thursday. I need a fresh start for the new year. I will miss him, terribly. I shall cut my hair. I'm sorry that I have to get you involved in this, hair. I have to put an end to this, in three days' time.
Complicated
You make me happy that every moment we're together feels so significant I refuse to believe we're just tiny specks in this universe. I never expected this to last forever but lately I've been wondering, what if we try? What if I ask you to choose to be with me? Will it happen? Or will all my apprehension be proved right? I don't know which would hurt more, if you do not choose me or if you do and it doesn't work out. I shouldn't have let this come to this. I should have just left it as a game. Wait, It can still be. It's not too late. I can still turn back and play again.
Okay. I have decided that we're going back to the game. You'll be my sweet little escape and I'll be your no one.
2:59
No, I can't focus on work. And because I can't focus on work, all I can think about is him. Because what else is worth thinking about if not the idea of love?
Few minutes from now, the girl in Area 2 will be staring out of her window, and she will be hearing someone sing, "Dahil mahal, mahal na kita..." and at that same time, I will be in my room, thinking of you, and the day you told me that story.
Few minutes from now, the girl in Area 2 will be staring out of her window, and she will be hearing someone sing, "Dahil mahal, mahal na kita..." and at that same time, I will be in my room, thinking of you, and the day you told me that story.
Part 2
Biyernes, 8:30 nang gabi.
Alas singko y medya ako umalis nang Makati ngunit kakarating ko pa lang nang Philcoa. Tinext ko kaagad s'ya na hindi na ako makakahabol sa kanyang play na alas siete pa nagsimula.
"Bukas ka na lang manood," reply n'ya.
Sumakay ako ng tricycle at bumaba nang Sarah's. Nakiupo ako sa lamesa ng mga nakitang kaibigan.
Bandang alas-diyes nang gabi nang tinext ko ulit s'ya.
Ako: Daan ka dito after.
S'ya: Saan?
Ako: Sarah's
S'ya: Oh. Di ko na kaya. Uwi na ako.
Ako: Daan lang sana. :) Pero oks lang. Ingat. See you.
S'ya: Thanks.
Paalis na kami ng kaibigan ko nang may lumapit na lalaki mula sa kabilang mesa at nagpakilala. Wala rin talaga ako sa mood kaya magalang kong sinabi na paalis na kami at may pupuntahan pa.
Naisipan naming dumaan muna sa Tomato Kick dahil anniversary party ng Bookay-Ukay bago umuwi. Isang mabilis na ikot lang, sabi namin.
Pagdating namin sa Tomato Kick, nakita namin ang isa pang kaibigan.
"Sinong kasama mo?," tanong ng kasama ko
"Kami-kami," inisa-isa n'ya ang pangalan ng mga kasama n'ya at nakaramdam ako ng kurot sa dibdib ko nang mabanggit ang pangalan n'ya. Nandoon s'ya. Pagkatapos n'yang sabihing uuwi na s'ya, nando'n s'ya.
Nagsimula kaming maglakad ng kasama ko para ikutin ang lugar nang makita ko ang isa kong kaibigang lalaking matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Napasigaw ako at yinakap ko s'ya nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lamang at nando'n s'ya. Kumuha kami ng beer at kahit pang alam kong nadaanan namin ang lamesa nilang magkakaibigan ay hindi ako lumingon.
Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagtagal ay umuwi na rin sila.
Nag-usap pa kami ng kaibigan ko sandali at umuwi na rin ako sa bahay ng kasama kong kaibigan.
Walang message sa Facebook o text mula sa kanya.
Hanggang kinabukasan ay wala pa ring pagpaparamdam. Last show ng play n'ya kinagabihan.
Nag-text s'ya nang alas-sais nang gabi kung manonood ba ako.
Halata ang galak ko noong nagkita kami ngunit akward na mula roon. Hindi ako nagsasalita at maikli ang sagot sa mga tanong n'ya. Patapos na ang intermission at nagpaalam na s'yang babalik sa loob.
Sa kanya ang huling play na ipinalabas. Mahusay ang direksyon ngunit hindi ko masabing ganoon din sa pagkakasulat, ngunit hindi naman sama--hindi talaga. Sa dulo ng play ay biglang tumugtog ang "Dancing with Myself" ng Nouvelle Vague. Tumawa ako nang malakas, mabuti na lang at nalunod ito sa ingay ng palakpakan sa paligid. Pinatugtog n'ya ang original ni Billy Idol noong magkasama kami ilang araw lang ang nakararaan, habang nasa bahay s'ya at tinutulungan kong gumawa ng assignemnt. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin--na tinulungan ko s'yang gumawa ng assignment at naaalala ko ang pinatugtog n'ya noong gabing 'yon.
Pagkalabas ng teatro ay tumambad sa amin ni Carlo ang malakas na ulan. Wala kaming nagawa kundi tumayo sa isang gilid at nagsindi ng yosi. Maya-maya ay lumabas na rin s'ya, kinakamayan at binabati ng mga tao sa kanyang play. Lumapit s'ya sa 'min at tinanong si Carlo kung anong tingin n'ya. Isang yosi ang lumipas at wala akong natatandaan sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, pakiramdam ko ay 'sing cerebral ng kakapanood lang naming play ang naging usapan. Ngunit walang puwang ang katawan ko para sa utak noong mga panahong 'yon, masyadong maingay ang tibok ng puso ko. Bago pa man sumabog ang dibdib ko, nagpaalam na kami. Yinakap n'ya si Carlo, pagkatapos ay ako. Hinalikan n'ya ako sa pisngi. Maligaya akong naglakad sa ulan pabalik ng sasakyan.
Alas singko y medya ako umalis nang Makati ngunit kakarating ko pa lang nang Philcoa. Tinext ko kaagad s'ya na hindi na ako makakahabol sa kanyang play na alas siete pa nagsimula.
"Bukas ka na lang manood," reply n'ya.
Sumakay ako ng tricycle at bumaba nang Sarah's. Nakiupo ako sa lamesa ng mga nakitang kaibigan.
Bandang alas-diyes nang gabi nang tinext ko ulit s'ya.
Ako: Daan ka dito after.
S'ya: Saan?
Ako: Sarah's
S'ya: Oh. Di ko na kaya. Uwi na ako.
Ako: Daan lang sana. :) Pero oks lang. Ingat. See you.
S'ya: Thanks.
Paalis na kami ng kaibigan ko nang may lumapit na lalaki mula sa kabilang mesa at nagpakilala. Wala rin talaga ako sa mood kaya magalang kong sinabi na paalis na kami at may pupuntahan pa.
Naisipan naming dumaan muna sa Tomato Kick dahil anniversary party ng Bookay-Ukay bago umuwi. Isang mabilis na ikot lang, sabi namin.
Pagdating namin sa Tomato Kick, nakita namin ang isa pang kaibigan.
"Sinong kasama mo?," tanong ng kasama ko
"Kami-kami," inisa-isa n'ya ang pangalan ng mga kasama n'ya at nakaramdam ako ng kurot sa dibdib ko nang mabanggit ang pangalan n'ya. Nandoon s'ya. Pagkatapos n'yang sabihing uuwi na s'ya, nando'n s'ya.
Nagsimula kaming maglakad ng kasama ko para ikutin ang lugar nang makita ko ang isa kong kaibigang lalaking matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Napasigaw ako at yinakap ko s'ya nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lamang at nando'n s'ya. Kumuha kami ng beer at kahit pang alam kong nadaanan namin ang lamesa nilang magkakaibigan ay hindi ako lumingon.
Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagtagal ay umuwi na rin sila.
Nag-usap pa kami ng kaibigan ko sandali at umuwi na rin ako sa bahay ng kasama kong kaibigan.
Walang message sa Facebook o text mula sa kanya.
Hanggang kinabukasan ay wala pa ring pagpaparamdam. Last show ng play n'ya kinagabihan.
Nag-text s'ya nang alas-sais nang gabi kung manonood ba ako.
Halata ang galak ko noong nagkita kami ngunit akward na mula roon. Hindi ako nagsasalita at maikli ang sagot sa mga tanong n'ya. Patapos na ang intermission at nagpaalam na s'yang babalik sa loob.
Sa kanya ang huling play na ipinalabas. Mahusay ang direksyon ngunit hindi ko masabing ganoon din sa pagkakasulat, ngunit hindi naman sama--hindi talaga. Sa dulo ng play ay biglang tumugtog ang "Dancing with Myself" ng Nouvelle Vague. Tumawa ako nang malakas, mabuti na lang at nalunod ito sa ingay ng palakpakan sa paligid. Pinatugtog n'ya ang original ni Billy Idol noong magkasama kami ilang araw lang ang nakararaan, habang nasa bahay s'ya at tinutulungan kong gumawa ng assignemnt. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin--na tinulungan ko s'yang gumawa ng assignment at naaalala ko ang pinatugtog n'ya noong gabing 'yon.
Pagkalabas ng teatro ay tumambad sa amin ni Carlo ang malakas na ulan. Wala kaming nagawa kundi tumayo sa isang gilid at nagsindi ng yosi. Maya-maya ay lumabas na rin s'ya, kinakamayan at binabati ng mga tao sa kanyang play. Lumapit s'ya sa 'min at tinanong si Carlo kung anong tingin n'ya. Isang yosi ang lumipas at wala akong natatandaan sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, pakiramdam ko ay 'sing cerebral ng kakapanood lang naming play ang naging usapan. Ngunit walang puwang ang katawan ko para sa utak noong mga panahong 'yon, masyadong maingay ang tibok ng puso ko. Bago pa man sumabog ang dibdib ko, nagpaalam na kami. Yinakap n'ya si Carlo, pagkatapos ay ako. Hinalikan n'ya ako sa pisngi. Maligaya akong naglakad sa ulan pabalik ng sasakyan.
Peace by Piece
I wanted to write a positive post about getting through one of the worst weeks of my life. I had survived in the past and I did it yet again even when I thought I wouldn't. But I can't write that post. I can't because the night is humid on a December, I'm in my room but I don't feel like so, I have a job that I should have finished only ten thousand years ago, and all I could think about is this guy that I'm overly infatuated with.
First, I do not understand, but I guess I do, what the fuck is wrong with the fucking climate. (Sometimes I hate using the F word to emphasize something but this just means I'm being lazy.) I like sunny days but not on days like this. Days like this means sharing my room with someone else, not having the privacy of pouring out my heart on my blog because my roommate's here, beside me, watching the third season of Face Off, while I can't even watch or listen to anything because she's not wearing headphones and I do not have one. So here I am, having an overly active imagination on a humid Sunday night, again, on a December but can't do anything about it because, again, I do not have the privacy to.
Next, I cannot start on my work because I cannot focus because I cannot empty my head (and heart) because, again, I am having an overly active imagination on a... you get it.
Finally, I don't think I'm in love. I am just choosing to be. Because life is hell as it is and it wouldn't hurt to have something to look forward to. I'll deal about the "real deal" and objectiveness later on, I just want to give myself this at the moment. I know it's not a wise decision and I'm just creating (more) future (intense) stressors but--just but, I have no excuse.
And if I am not in love, what exactly am I? I am exactly in denial that I have liked B for a really long time but haven't done anything about it because he obviously doesn't feel the same way and on some drunken highschool-like dare on a drunken Friday night I told him I like him and I don't care I will forget about what happened no actually I will not forget about it I will laugh about it like it's one big joke but is that how you deal with something like that? No. I think I should own up to it and never mention it again. Besides, I really like F. Now I wonder, if I knew that F didn't like me back would I have still chased after him? But I did. I chased after him, didn't I? Anyway, the truth. The truth is I am so scared of being alone that I am willing to throw myself to the first person I like who also likes him back even though it means that he has a girlfriend and there's no chance of any form of emotional commitment. Thank you.
About Q.C. though, I have just realized, yes, about 5 seconds ago, that it has all come down to the choice of friendship. Who do I love more? AND IT'S KILLING ME. Can we just go back to the way everything was? I promise I will do everything in my power to make Q.C. happen if only we can go back to the way things were before that incident at K-9. PLEASE.
First, I do not understand, but I guess I do, what the fuck is wrong with the fucking climate. (Sometimes I hate using the F word to emphasize something but this just means I'm being lazy.) I like sunny days but not on days like this. Days like this means sharing my room with someone else, not having the privacy of pouring out my heart on my blog because my roommate's here, beside me, watching the third season of Face Off, while I can't even watch or listen to anything because she's not wearing headphones and I do not have one. So here I am, having an overly active imagination on a humid Sunday night, again, on a December but can't do anything about it because, again, I do not have the privacy to.
Next, I cannot start on my work because I cannot focus because I cannot empty my head (and heart) because, again, I am having an overly active imagination on a... you get it.
Finally, I don't think I'm in love. I am just choosing to be. Because life is hell as it is and it wouldn't hurt to have something to look forward to. I'll deal about the "real deal" and objectiveness later on, I just want to give myself this at the moment. I know it's not a wise decision and I'm just creating (more) future (intense) stressors but--just but, I have no excuse.
And if I am not in love, what exactly am I? I am exactly in denial that I have liked B for a really long time but haven't done anything about it because he obviously doesn't feel the same way and on some drunken highschool-like dare on a drunken Friday night I told him I like him and I don't care I will forget about what happened no actually I will not forget about it I will laugh about it like it's one big joke but is that how you deal with something like that? No. I think I should own up to it and never mention it again. Besides, I really like F. Now I wonder, if I knew that F didn't like me back would I have still chased after him? But I did. I chased after him, didn't I? Anyway, the truth. The truth is I am so scared of being alone that I am willing to throw myself to the first person I like who also likes him back even though it means that he has a girlfriend and there's no chance of any form of emotional commitment. Thank you.
About Q.C. though, I have just realized, yes, about 5 seconds ago, that it has all come down to the choice of friendship. Who do I love more? AND IT'S KILLING ME. Can we just go back to the way everything was? I promise I will do everything in my power to make Q.C. happen if only we can go back to the way things were before that incident at K-9. PLEASE.
12.12.13
Life goes on
There's nothing noble in quitting, it's in knowing when.
I'm back to summer. Me, my blog, new music, and a few online friends. I don't know why the cosmos hates me this year but I have to do something for it not to next year.
I really have to start writing that script.
And I miss him.
11.12.13
Switch the Flip
I feel like I have to get this off my chest before I start working again.
This is the only thing I know. This is what I think I do best. If I'm not doing it right then it means I don't have anything to live for.
See, it has taken me a long time to get to this. I've tried almost everything. Took odd jobs, non-credited courses in college, tried learning new things, but to no avail. Now I have this, it's not much, you can't even call it a career, but it is, in one way or another, a job. It is something one has to do. It is the dirty work. To sum it up, in a production, I do the work nobody else wants to. To still come off as the bad guy is something I just need to accept. Because there is no other way.
But why was I affected when B told me that I'm a bitch when working? I try my best not to be. But I have to keep things in sync, else they'll fall apart. Or so I think. Maybe nobody needs me. Maybe anybody can do this job, they just don't want to. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I'm good at what I do.
I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't feel like killing myself but I want to quit everything and reinvent myself again. I'm good at that. No point in dying when you can live as another person.
Right now though I need to earn money so I need to get back to work even though my body doesn't want to.
I'll find something else to do. Maybe production isn't for me.
This is the only thing I know. This is what I think I do best. If I'm not doing it right then it means I don't have anything to live for.
See, it has taken me a long time to get to this. I've tried almost everything. Took odd jobs, non-credited courses in college, tried learning new things, but to no avail. Now I have this, it's not much, you can't even call it a career, but it is, in one way or another, a job. It is something one has to do. It is the dirty work. To sum it up, in a production, I do the work nobody else wants to. To still come off as the bad guy is something I just need to accept. Because there is no other way.
But why was I affected when B told me that I'm a bitch when working? I try my best not to be. But I have to keep things in sync, else they'll fall apart. Or so I think. Maybe nobody needs me. Maybe anybody can do this job, they just don't want to. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I'm good at what I do.
I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't feel like killing myself but I want to quit everything and reinvent myself again. I'm good at that. No point in dying when you can live as another person.
Right now though I need to earn money so I need to get back to work even though my body doesn't want to.
I'll find something else to do. Maybe production isn't for me.
5.12.13
Thankfully Normal
I've made progress with my mood, I can say that. I no longer feel the dire need to go out, drink, smoke, run, do something dangerous and whatever else I could think impulsively at any given moment despite of however important my current task at hand would be. I feel more steady now. I wrote a little in my old notebook about not knowing where I am and other existentialist bullshit but it helped reflect and get in touch with what I really want and most importantly, realize what a big wuss I have been for the past days.
So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.
Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.
So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.
Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.
4.12.13
Missent Text
I don't even have the strength to write anything. I just want to disappear. I know I wouldn't have been affected as much or at all had I been not in this mood.
See? Now that I think about it, it was funny. I just needed to relax.
I'm just really, really in dire need of a drink.
See? Now that I think about it, it was funny. I just needed to relax.
I'm just really, really in dire need of a drink.
3.12.13
Lazy Writing
- I seriously miss our prod group I can't joke about it anymore.
- I met with a stranger last Saturday.
- I don't think I'd meet with a stranger if I had a choice. Or if I had money. Or the balls to actually ask people out.
- Sometimes I wonder, is it worth telling someone that you like them even though you are sure that they do not like you back? If someone likes you, even if you do not like them, wouldn't you want them to tell you?
- I'm unstable. I need a strategy. I need to get better. Something steady. A routine. Focus on work. No more intoxication and feelings and dramatic fiction. Well, just a bit of dramatic fiction, I guess.
- Honestly, if given the choice to be in a relationship among the guys I like, I would choose none of them.
- I think there's little to no chance that I'd meet another person who would love me as much as my exes did/do. But I'm still really hoping that I would.
- I want to be ready for the right person. This is true.
- Right now, at this very moment, I know where I want to be. I will try my best to get there.
- I belong with my type of crazies. They get me.
- I didn't notice that I have had this knack of talking and meeting with strangers when I'm manic.
- I hope I do not crash yet. I need to work. I need to focus.
2.12.13
Sssssex
And my libido's really high right now. Just thought I'd share. I want to make sweet and violently romantic hungry love.
It's time to talk about my feelings
I have been unconsciously avoiding writing recently because I'm afraid that it would make more in touch with my feelings.
Last Friday was F's birthday so I was feeling a little emotional even there's no reason to. Good think I woke up late and got up even later. I greeted him through text and he jokingly asked for a gift when he replied. I told him only boyfriends receive shoes, flings do not apply.
A was busy with raket so we couldn't meet. I decided to jog eventually, asked B if he wanted to come and was surprised when he said yes.
It was a good run. It felt like the good type of familiar. We were back to between three and four months ago; we just had recently gotten closer and amused with each other and the new friendship. Him probably knowing what I want but have no intentions of going there. It was a good evening run. I would have liked to still hang out afterwards but also knew we shouldn't. I'm being careful. I easily get attached and become clingy to people. It was just a happy moment to have ran with him.
Nobody was home so I texted G if he was in the area. He dropped by the house and we smoked. Lately people have been asking me if there was anything between us or why isn't there. I always told them that it's just that, I love the guy and I care about him, but never in a sexual way.
---
Last Saturday I went out with my roommate K and our friend Gy. I met up with a stranger after that. I did not like him.
---
Went straight after the date to C's apartment. We're meeting again now because he's going to give me money.
I'm a whore.
Last Friday was F's birthday so I was feeling a little emotional even there's no reason to. Good think I woke up late and got up even later. I greeted him through text and he jokingly asked for a gift when he replied. I told him only boyfriends receive shoes, flings do not apply.
A was busy with raket so we couldn't meet. I decided to jog eventually, asked B if he wanted to come and was surprised when he said yes.
It was a good run. It felt like the good type of familiar. We were back to between three and four months ago; we just had recently gotten closer and amused with each other and the new friendship. Him probably knowing what I want but have no intentions of going there. It was a good evening run. I would have liked to still hang out afterwards but also knew we shouldn't. I'm being careful. I easily get attached and become clingy to people. It was just a happy moment to have ran with him.
Nobody was home so I texted G if he was in the area. He dropped by the house and we smoked. Lately people have been asking me if there was anything between us or why isn't there. I always told them that it's just that, I love the guy and I care about him, but never in a sexual way.
---
Last Saturday I went out with my roommate K and our friend Gy. I met up with a stranger after that. I did not like him.
---
Went straight after the date to C's apartment. We're meeting again now because he's going to give me money.
I'm a whore.
29.11.13
His Birthday
I am hurting. Not uncertainly, not by a little. I am hurting. Deep, without blinking, without pausing. Through and through.
---
I'm not sure if I'm mad at RJ because of what he said or because it was B who heard it. RJ said jokingly, "So what, you're going to have sex with F again?"
---
I'm not sure if I'm mad at RJ because of what he said or because it was B who heard it. RJ said jokingly, "So what, you're going to have sex with F again?"
28.11.13
Afternoon
I should be taking a bath now or hanging newly washed clothes or folding my laundry. Instead, I feel like smoking a bowl and walking around UP. Yes, it is August once again and I don't really feel like doing anything productive. I just want to contemplate life and write.
I don't even have a notebook to write on. But I'll find something. If only I'd get the will to take a shower and get out of this house.
I think I should get a bit of cardio. Should I bike? I feel a little sleepy to do so though. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and figure things out when I wake up. I'll play a movie. And stop thinking about him. And the reply I didn't get.
I don't even have a notebook to write on. But I'll find something. If only I'd get the will to take a shower and get out of this house.
I think I should get a bit of cardio. Should I bike? I feel a little sleepy to do so though. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and figure things out when I wake up. I'll play a movie. And stop thinking about him. And the reply I didn't get.
Hump Day Sugod
Why do I still get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I see any indication that I'm just second-rate in his life; just on the sidelines ready to catch him whenever he falls this way.
He just posted something: "My Wishlist... :)" I know I'm being shallow and immature and creepy for reacting to something as trivial as this but my mind suddenly went "He was online just three hours ago but he didn't have the time to leave me a message or text me." and a sudden dark feeling dawned on me, I'm not part of his wishlist. He's probably wishing for a nice day out with his girlfriend, for a steady career, and good health. But not for me. He's not wishing for me. He doesn't have to because he knows I'll always be there. Fine, I might be overreading it but I'd be dense if I would say that he likes me enough. Because he doesn't. He just find me convenient. Not to brag and all--I don't even think it's something to proud of--but I have a way of getting some men hooked sexually. I know I can make them want me for the rest of their lives but nothing more than that, nothing beyond sexual. Minus the sex, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. So maybe my friend RJ is right, F is being nice because he wan't something from me (i.e. sex). Sometimes though I still find myself hoping that it's more than that.
I can honestly say that I've had a great night. Past few days I have convinced myself that I'm on this mission of getting my bohemian life back. It hasn't ended up great the past few days but my patience and perseverance has been worth it. Last night was what I have been looking for. I intended to stay at the concert in Sunken for a while but my friend RJ has been bitching about a lot of things and I didn't want to be left alone with my "other friends." So I decided to also go home when he did. I was having a smoke with my housemate when my crush texted me, "Have you gone home?" It was an alternating scene of me getting kilig and my housemate urging me to text back and ask him if he wanted to hang out. So it ended with me going back to Sunken. Him and one of our friends who is staying with him for the night left about two hours later and I was left with our other friends. We ended up at the house of one of them and went home at quarter to six.
See? My night's been fun. I was actually wondering on the way home if I still want F since I feel like A and I are having a good start. But look at me now, being all stupid and juvenile with this liking for F. I just really want him as much as I don't when I don't. I have no ideas how to do this though. There is only my instincts.
He just posted something: "My Wishlist... :)" I know I'm being shallow and immature and creepy for reacting to something as trivial as this but my mind suddenly went "He was online just three hours ago but he didn't have the time to leave me a message or text me." and a sudden dark feeling dawned on me, I'm not part of his wishlist. He's probably wishing for a nice day out with his girlfriend, for a steady career, and good health. But not for me. He's not wishing for me. He doesn't have to because he knows I'll always be there. Fine, I might be overreading it but I'd be dense if I would say that he likes me enough. Because he doesn't. He just find me convenient. Not to brag and all--I don't even think it's something to proud of--but I have a way of getting some men hooked sexually. I know I can make them want me for the rest of their lives but nothing more than that, nothing beyond sexual. Minus the sex, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. So maybe my friend RJ is right, F is being nice because he wan't something from me (i.e. sex). Sometimes though I still find myself hoping that it's more than that.
I can honestly say that I've had a great night. Past few days I have convinced myself that I'm on this mission of getting my bohemian life back. It hasn't ended up great the past few days but my patience and perseverance has been worth it. Last night was what I have been looking for. I intended to stay at the concert in Sunken for a while but my friend RJ has been bitching about a lot of things and I didn't want to be left alone with my "other friends." So I decided to also go home when he did. I was having a smoke with my housemate when my crush texted me, "Have you gone home?" It was an alternating scene of me getting kilig and my housemate urging me to text back and ask him if he wanted to hang out. So it ended with me going back to Sunken. Him and one of our friends who is staying with him for the night left about two hours later and I was left with our other friends. We ended up at the house of one of them and went home at quarter to six.
See? My night's been fun. I was actually wondering on the way home if I still want F since I feel like A and I are having a good start. But look at me now, being all stupid and juvenile with this liking for F. I just really want him as much as I don't when I don't. I have no ideas how to do this though. There is only my instincts.
27.11.13
Kadiri
I called him. I don't know why I did but somehow I got the feeling that everything was going to be alright once I've talked with him.
I'm not sure though if that phone call helped. I still don't know what to think. Maybe I'll see him next week, maybe I won't.
---
So the above post was for yesterday. I am such a clingy brat. This has got to stop.
I'm not sure though if that phone call helped. I still don't know what to think. Maybe I'll see him next week, maybe I won't.
---
So the above post was for yesterday. I am such a clingy brat. This has got to stop.
19.11.13
The Cost of An Infatuation Not Worth It
I have just come to the realization that F is not worth it. But maybe for the last time I'd do something sweet for him. And maybe give him M&S chocolates on his birthday. But maybe that would be the last time. Just to play around. Or to make him want me. And not want him back just because.
Just maybe.
Just maybe.
Sometimes
Sometimes it's okay to be busy when there's bullshit everywhere. Sometimes work is my escape.
14.11.13
What is this life I'm living, F, and Sepanx
I'm too tired to post anything and it's been like this for a while.
I'm not in the mood to do anything.
The only thing meaningful that comes out of my mouth everyday is "I'm tired." So I guess that defines my life these days.
I am so infatuated with F. But wasn't I with B just a few weeks ago?
I miss talking to my friends. It was so easy when I could talk to them everyday and see them almost everyday.
I miss my Self. I miss everything that I was. I miss being content with where I was. I miss not wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else.
Maybe I do not miss F entirely but I miss the relationship I've built with him.
I want and, I guess, need to be able to start going to my Pdoc again and resume taking my meds.
I'm not in the mood to do anything.
The only thing meaningful that comes out of my mouth everyday is "I'm tired." So I guess that defines my life these days.
I am so infatuated with F. But wasn't I with B just a few weeks ago?
I miss talking to my friends. It was so easy when I could talk to them everyday and see them almost everyday.
I miss my Self. I miss everything that I was. I miss being content with where I was. I miss not wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else.
Maybe I do not miss F entirely but I miss the relationship I've built with him.
I want and, I guess, need to be able to start going to my Pdoc again and resume taking my meds.
Wake up, self
You should start taking care of yourself soon or you will fall apart. It might feel like you already have but believe me you're not there yet, but don't wait for it. Do something about it.
11.11.13
Iskeydyuling
Hello, do you know where your brain is? Right now you are fixing your sched. Today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday.
Tonight, before you sleep, you must have been able to:
-E-mail your PM with details
-Corrections on program
-Schedule
-Tuesday meeting
-Other assignments (refer to notes)
-Her assignments
-Search for mirror pegs
-Update Duberri pages
-Email Kyle for her assignments
Tomorrow, when you wake up, you should immediately:
-Check email
-Follow up on Gelbert
-Do Wagas laundry
-Follow up on everyone else for the meeting
-Follow up on Rodgil for the script
-Follow up on Lumad
-Get in touch with Elmer of GPF
-Ask Melai what time you should pre-prod and reply to Aleli
You should set your schedule for:
-a meeting with Cinema Supremo peeps
-Bendor
-Blue Bustamante
Tomorrow afternoon you have:
1pm - meeting with Paeng
3:30pm - tentative meeting with Gelbert
5pm onwards - have to PREP for WAGAS.
Tomorrow evening you have:
7pm - meeting with Sarah
8pm onwards- - PREP for WAGAS
On Tuesday, Nov 12 - WAGAS SHOOT
After pack-up - QC SPONSORSHIP LETTER
On Wednesday, Nov 13
-GPF Deadline for everything
-FINALIZE QC EVENT DETAILS
-DUBERRI DAY
On Thursday, Nov 14
-WALA PA. PROBABLY GPF. And things you weren't able to finish due to procrastination.
-Tentative meeting with artists
On Friday, Nov 15
-GPF Videos deadline, presentation of title cards, song, etc.
-Send out QC invites and letters
On Saturday,Nov 16
-Vee's Pool Party!
On Sunday, Nov 17
-Wala pa!!!
OKAY NA MUNA SIGURO 'TO FOR NOW OKAYYYY
Tonight, before you sleep, you must have been able to:
-E-mail your PM with details
-Corrections on program
-Schedule
-Tuesday meeting
-Other assignments (refer to notes)
-Her assignments
-Search for mirror pegs
-Update Duberri pages
-Email Kyle for her assignments
Tomorrow, when you wake up, you should immediately:
-Check email
-Follow up on Gelbert
-Do Wagas laundry
-Follow up on everyone else for the meeting
-Follow up on Rodgil for the script
-Follow up on Lumad
-Get in touch with Elmer of GPF
-Ask Melai what time you should pre-prod and reply to Aleli
You should set your schedule for:
-a meeting with Cinema Supremo peeps
-Bendor
-Blue Bustamante
Tomorrow afternoon you have:
1pm - meeting with Paeng
3:30pm - tentative meeting with Gelbert
5pm onwards - have to PREP for WAGAS.
Tomorrow evening you have:
7pm - meeting with Sarah
8pm onwards- - PREP for WAGAS
On Tuesday, Nov 12 - WAGAS SHOOT
After pack-up - QC SPONSORSHIP LETTER
On Wednesday, Nov 13
-GPF Deadline for everything
-FINALIZE QC EVENT DETAILS
-DUBERRI DAY
On Thursday, Nov 14
-WALA PA. PROBABLY GPF. And things you weren't able to finish due to procrastination.
-Tentative meeting with artists
On Friday, Nov 15
-GPF Videos deadline, presentation of title cards, song, etc.
-Send out QC invites and letters
On Saturday,Nov 16
-Vee's Pool Party!
On Sunday, Nov 17
-Wala pa!!!
OKAY NA MUNA SIGURO 'TO FOR NOW OKAYYYY
*
I was going to write something. But I forgot what it was going to be about.
I realized
While you're young, waste your time. Especially when you're still a student.
I realized
While you're young, waste your time. Especially when you're still a student.
9.11.13
I don't know what to make of this day, or this week. Whatever it is I think it helped me take a step back and look at things at a bigger picture. Or have I done that already? Wait, I ought to do that.
My tita sent me a long message long ago and I'm just replying now. It's the mercury retrograde so what the hell, let's do what we can while it still got its power on us.
My tita sent me a long message long ago and I'm just replying now. It's the mercury retrograde so what the hell, let's do what we can while it still got its power on us.
6.11.13
My X: C
All I asked was an apology and he couldn't even give it to me, when he ripped my soul into a million pieces. Can you sue someone for being a asshole? How can things like this go unpunished? Isn't pushing someone out of their wits to the point of taking their own life considered a crime?
5.11.13
Me today
I should be working right now but instead, I feel like writing poetry though no topic comes to mind. Like I know how to write poetry. Right.
Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.
The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.
Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.
I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.
So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.
Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.
The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.
Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.
I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.
So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.
I promise this is my last post for tonight
Together
We ran away
Leaving this World
the Love, the Hurt, the Dirt.
We made our Own.
Something not in any word
Our gold and silver pieces
The rush of water, our fountain;
and the soft hum unknown
Pulling back
forevermore and only to us
the gentle strokes
Silently
where secrets are felt
and the skin whispers
eluding Time
eluding Time
Nightmares
My mood today is relatively okay as is the past few days but I've been having nightmares again. Also, I feel like I'm near the brink of depression again so good luck to my week.
Two weeks ago I crashed. Two Fridays ago, it was so intense I thought I was going to go crazy. The last time I felt that way was I think summer of this year. So I forced myself to go on a short break and went home to my parents. Things became better after that so now I'm just waiting for the next bout with depression.
I hope I survive this week. Just too much on my plate.
And I hope I get some money soon. Whew.
Two weeks ago I crashed. Two Fridays ago, it was so intense I thought I was going to go crazy. The last time I felt that way was I think summer of this year. So I forced myself to go on a short break and went home to my parents. Things became better after that so now I'm just waiting for the next bout with depression.
I hope I survive this week. Just too much on my plate.
And I hope I get some money soon. Whew.
4.11.13
impossible
i want to reach out to you
hold you
stroke your face
but i'm too ashamed
of myself and what i did
on the other hand,
i'm too scared
that if i let pride win this
i would lose you forever
i thought i didn't believe in regrets
hold you
stroke your face
but i'm too ashamed
of myself and what i did
on the other hand,
i'm too scared
that if i let pride win this
i would lose you forever
i thought i didn't believe in regrets
Back to Basics
The last time I got mad, as in my type of mad was when I was still with C. After months of being stable, albeit not without its imperfections, I got mad again when I was with C again. We weren't together anymore but I was with him when it happened and consequentially, was also because of something he did. Without my noticing, I have stayed mad for well over a month.
Thanks to retrograde, I allowed myself time to think back and reflect on my attitude. I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to go back to what and who I was during those in-between months. I want to be zen, albeit not without its imperfections.
I don't like what I've become so I'm choosing the better. I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt during the past month. To everyone I've scolded, everyone I've said hurtful words to, everyone I've given the cold shoulder. I want to be better.
I have neglected a lot of things and a lot of feelings. I'm going to be better. I will do this.
I want to write everyone a letter. So maybe I would.
----
Dear FBI,
Ang dami kong naiisip nitong mga nakaraang araw at na-realize ko na hindi talaga naging maganda ang aktitud ko sa maraming bagay simula pa noong nakaraang buwan. Marami akong napabayaan at nakalimutan. Higit pa sa gawain, nakaligtaan ko ang higit na dapat pinakabibigyang-halaga, ang mga tao.
(Mahabang kuwento. You can TLDR this part.) Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon ng "pag-aayos" at "pagpapagaling" nung summer, bumalik ako sa QC (as in the place) nang buong-buo at stable naman, though hindi perpekto. Feeling ko naman bumalik ako non sa bahagi ng sarili ko na mas gusto ko. Napanindigan ko naman yun for a time. Haha. Ilang buwan din akong steady, hindi nagagalit sa kahit na kanino o kahit ano, maganda ang attitude towards life, hindi malala ang mood swings, wala ring episodes, until naging toxic ang buhay ko nung September at, di ko naman maikakaila, nagkaproblema ulit kami ni Carlo, bukod pa sa halu-halo at marami pang ibang mga bagay. Hindi na ulit ako nakabangon mula don, ngayon ko lang naisip, nang magkaroon na ng kahit papaano ay konting pahinga. Lagi na akong iritable, puro trabaho, stressed, toxic bilang tao, at sa isang banda, 'yung pangit na ugali ng pagiging adik sa GTD (Getting Things Done).
Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa lahat kung hindi naging maganda ang asal ko at lagi na lang naka-focus sa katuparan ng mga bagay-bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko kayo nakakamusta o kung nakakamusta ko man kayo ay kinulang sa pakikinig dahil bumaba na nang bumaba ang EQ ko. Tangina lang. Salamat din sa pasensya, nandyan pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon.
(GM up to this part only)
B,
Wait, biglang wala akong masabi.
Rob,
Salamat sa pagiging parating andyan! Bukod sa mga araw na bumo-boyfriend duties ka. (Hiwalayan mo na kasi.) (Joke lang.)
Thanks to retrograde, I allowed myself time to think back and reflect on my attitude. I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to go back to what and who I was during those in-between months. I want to be zen, albeit not without its imperfections.
I don't like what I've become so I'm choosing the better. I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt during the past month. To everyone I've scolded, everyone I've said hurtful words to, everyone I've given the cold shoulder. I want to be better.
I have neglected a lot of things and a lot of feelings. I'm going to be better. I will do this.
I want to write everyone a letter. So maybe I would.
----
Dear FBI,
Ang dami kong naiisip nitong mga nakaraang araw at na-realize ko na hindi talaga naging maganda ang aktitud ko sa maraming bagay simula pa noong nakaraang buwan. Marami akong napabayaan at nakalimutan. Higit pa sa gawain, nakaligtaan ko ang higit na dapat pinakabibigyang-halaga, ang mga tao.
(Mahabang kuwento. You can TLDR this part.) Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon ng "pag-aayos" at "pagpapagaling" nung summer, bumalik ako sa QC (as in the place) nang buong-buo at stable naman, though hindi perpekto. Feeling ko naman bumalik ako non sa bahagi ng sarili ko na mas gusto ko. Napanindigan ko naman yun for a time. Haha. Ilang buwan din akong steady, hindi nagagalit sa kahit na kanino o kahit ano, maganda ang attitude towards life, hindi malala ang mood swings, wala ring episodes, until naging toxic ang buhay ko nung September at, di ko naman maikakaila, nagkaproblema ulit kami ni Carlo, bukod pa sa halu-halo at marami pang ibang mga bagay. Hindi na ulit ako nakabangon mula don, ngayon ko lang naisip, nang magkaroon na ng kahit papaano ay konting pahinga. Lagi na akong iritable, puro trabaho, stressed, toxic bilang tao, at sa isang banda, 'yung pangit na ugali ng pagiging adik sa GTD (Getting Things Done).
Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa lahat kung hindi naging maganda ang asal ko at lagi na lang naka-focus sa katuparan ng mga bagay-bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko kayo nakakamusta o kung nakakamusta ko man kayo ay kinulang sa pakikinig dahil bumaba na nang bumaba ang EQ ko. Tangina lang. Salamat din sa pasensya, nandyan pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon.
(GM up to this part only)
B,
Wait, biglang wala akong masabi.
Rob,
Salamat sa pagiging parating andyan! Bukod sa mga araw na bumo-boyfriend duties ka. (Hiwalayan mo na kasi.) (Joke lang.)
I'm back in my comfort zone
I need this time to just be. This is the most peaceful as I can get these days so there. And anyway, I missed Bumblebee. A laptop still feels like a laptop, temporary. It's not for long writing sessions. I can babble about not being able to use public computers for as long as I can remember because I just couldn't. I thought it was because I felt like my privacy was being invaded but I just realized that it was more than that, there's an attachment and feeling of familiarity and comfortability blah, blah, blah...
Anyway.
Remember F? I wrote a creative non-fic prose (and a bunch of other stuff) about him. I intended to chronicle the events as they happened but wasn't able to because, again, laptop. So now that I'm back on my reliable desktop, I think what I would really like to say is that I miss him.
I know that we weren't meant to last a long time but I miss him way more than I thought I would. It even hurts quite a bit. Also, I know that it was my fault. I would like to tell him that I'm sorry for being the bipolar that I am and that I miss him and that I like him, I really do like him but I can't do that anymore. It's too late. All I can do now is hope that when we see each other again, I will be able to hold him tight and he'll know.
Anyway.
Remember F? I wrote a creative non-fic prose (and a bunch of other stuff) about him. I intended to chronicle the events as they happened but wasn't able to because, again, laptop. So now that I'm back on my reliable desktop, I think what I would really like to say is that I miss him.
I know that we weren't meant to last a long time but I miss him way more than I thought I would. It even hurts quite a bit. Also, I know that it was my fault. I would like to tell him that I'm sorry for being the bipolar that I am and that I miss him and that I like him, I really do like him but I can't do that anymore. It's too late. All I can do now is hope that when we see each other again, I will be able to hold him tight and he'll know.
1.11.13
All Saints' Day
Why is this day for saints anyway when it's about remembering the dead?
"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." -Mr. Carson, Downtown Abbey, S04E04
"What matters isn't the fact of dying or when you die. It's what you're doing at that precise moment.” -Le Herisson (2009)
"We always think there's going to be more time. Then it runs out." -The Walking Dead, S01E06
And that Dumbledore quote about having a well-organized mind.
Happy All Saints' Day, it is.
"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." -Mr. Carson, Downtown Abbey, S04E04
"What matters isn't the fact of dying or when you die. It's what you're doing at that precise moment.” -Le Herisson (2009)
"We always think there's going to be more time. Then it runs out." -The Walking Dead, S01E06
And that Dumbledore quote about having a well-organized mind.
Happy All Saints' Day, it is.
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