Darna

Friend: alam mo yung superwoman. understudy ka ba nya?
Me: Wonder Woman yata 'yun 'te.
Friend: ikaw na pareho mehn. superman pati!

Ayokong ako rin si Superman. Gusto ko rin ng partner. Or partners, gusto mo 'yon?

Hello World Nakakapagod Ka Na

Pagod na pagod na ako. Lerdddddd. Haaay. Gusto kong ma-comfort. Gusto kong mayakap. Ang daming gawain. Gusto ko ng GVs kausap. Ayoko na ng kahit anong bagahe. Gusto ko ng fresh. Gusto ko ng smileys and good mornings. Ayoko na maging counselor sa lahat ng mga tao. Gusto ko ng movie buddy. Gusto ko ng ka-one bottle. Ayoko na ng constantly kinakabahan sa lahat ng mga bagay. Gusto ko ng steady. Gusto ko ng rabbit hole. AYOKO NAAAAAAAA.

This Is How You Get Down on a Friday

• We've finally found a location for the shoot on Sunday.
• I'll be plugging my event on TV soon.
• C bought us tickets to Palawan for Aug 27-31

There's a lot more I want to say and there are a lot of stories to tell but I'm just too tired. I just hope it remains this steady for the rest of the month.

PLEASE.

Hello World It's My Birthday Month

Today was full of surprises--a mishmash of things both good and bad.

Like the weather. The weather was awful! One moment it's sunny and the next it's raining hard with buhawi-like wind.

HEMINGWAY. The bus company whose bus and bus terminal we were trying to ask permission from for my friend's film turned us down. The shoot is on Sunday so... SOMEBODY CHECK MY STRESS LEVELS PLEASE.

I got compliments from one of my event sponsors today! He said that my proposal was done very well, with a lot of effort put in it. Wait, is that a compliment or is that another way of saying I went over the top? At least he was willing to sponsor a bulk of our shoot equipment. YES!

Then the main staff, there are four of us (YES, JUST FOUR OF US), went to meet; had dinner and a bottle. There were a lot of things to talk about. STRESS LEVELS AGAIN, SOMEONE CHECK PLEASE. But it felt good. It always feels good when you're starting to feel demoralized about your work then suddenly you realize that you're not alone in what you're doing, and you have people around you to go to for help. I'm a fan of collective action. LET'S GO, TEAM!

Then I waited for a bus under the cruel night sky... for a long time. I CURSE THE HEAVENS.

I got home. Bestfriend informed me of Piso Fare. Booked myself and C for a Puerto Princesa trip at the end of August. I don't know where I will scrounge for the 678.08 I need for the ticket. I just thought it would be a nice birthday gift for myself. Hell, I need a getaway, don't you agree? EXCUSE ME WHILE I ROB A SARI-SARI STORE.

C informed me that a director we recently worked with hasn't started on his next film yet. YES, OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT MYSELF AS THE NEXT BEST WARDROBE PERSON! But, I don't know, I really don't know. HAHAHAHAHA

I'm fukken sleepy. I have to wake up in four hours. AIN'T LIFE GRAND?

Little Things

Well, it wasn't as productive as it should have been. I was supposed to do things for this thesis of my friend but laziness got ahead of me. Well, hello? It was freaking raining the whole day. Not to mention the buhawi-like wind.

So I just went with C to a film workshop where I met his friend. A just-another-aspiring-filmmaker. Okay, I'm mean.

After that, we watched The Animals at the university's film theater with friends. The movie wasn't good. It's okay technically, but the substance was lost in the midst of it all.

Oh and.

There was this one scene where Jake, having fun and lost in the moment, was dancing suggestively with a girl at a party that he's hosting. Then his girlfriend Trina saw them and got upset.

C said that Jake and the girl wasn't even doing anything malicious. I held my breath. Why would he think that? Why would he think that dancing with another girl (a stranger to his girlfriend) at a party is not considered malicious? Of course when I asked him later he said that he was just referring to the shot. That the shot was poorly made. That they could have made the act more obvious, or as I understand it, exaggerated. 

"Exaggerated" because what they did in the shot was all the scene needed. Jake and the girl didn't need to make out. That would have been out of Jake's character. I don't understand. Did C judge the scene wrongly or does he just think that way? God, he really does think that there's nothing wrong with dancing with another girl?

These things. These little things.

God, what will I do?

Hanggang Kailan

Hindi ko alam kung may pagka-masokista ba ako, sadyang mabait lang, o isang malaking tanga. Sinasabi ng karelasyon ko palagi na hindi ko dapat iniintindi ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. Paano kung nakikita kong genuinely concerned lang talaga ang ibang tao? Hindi ba sila naman ang nakikita in a broader sense at mas objectively sa nangyayari sa buhay ko? Paano kung sinasabi nilang masyado na akong nahihirapan at na-ho-hold back, and at the same time 'yon din naman ang nararamdaman ko talaga? Makikinig pa rin ba ako sa karelasyon ko na mag-focus sa positive? Paano kung nahihirapan na talaga ako? 'Yung totoo talaga? Paano ko ipapaliwanag sa karelasyon ko? Paano ko sasabihing hindi sapat ang pag-ibig? Na hindi sapat ang paglalambingan, pagyayakapan, at paghaharutan para masabing masigla ang isang relasyon? Paano ko pilit ipapaliwanag ang mga bagay na hindi naman n'ya pinaniniwalaan? Paano pa ako magpapaliwanag kung paulit-ulit na ang mga paliwanag?

For Personal Use

Since I am a person who needs to write her thoughts down in order to make sense of things, I have to take a step back for a while and write this. It helps to pretend that I'm talking to someone.

I am currently line producing a friend's film thesis and we weren't able to produce enough money for the film for reasons irrelevant to this post and, therefore, I do not need to mention. Last week, I initiated to organize a fund-raising gig for the film and of course, being myself, I did it alone.

We are two weeks away from the first shooting day (August 5) and I still haven't found any individual/org/company that's willing to sponsor the band equipment for the event. Of course I can move the event to a bar, but that wouldn't solve a thing because I would still need to pay the bar. Or I can look for a venue that has band equipment but would be willing to let us use the place for free or with minimal "bar guarantee."

Option 1:

Push through with the event on August 2

Move the event to a bar w/ available band equipment

Look for a bar with minimal "bar guarantee"

Entrance fee of P150

Option 2:

Move the event until after the shoot

Proceed with original plan of an open area

Market drink sponsors, equipment sponsors, merchandise sponsors, etc.

Free entrance

(Downside: No cash produced for the shoot)

I can't think of any other options right now.

I don't know how to open this problem to the film's crew since everyone's busy with their own tasks. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

So far, I need to do the following things for this film:

-coordinate for location hunt

-contact this certain NGO for possibility of a tie-up

-contact SILIP

-contact MC

-look for catering sponsor

-look for transportation sponsor

-look for band equipment

-media partners

-follow up on solicitations

Okay, now that that's settled in my brain. I also need to market the other webseries project with another group.

-list of funding institutions with deadlines this month and the next

-compile requirements for grant requests 

I'll deal with third project "later part in life."

Sorry, I just needed this written down. Sigh.

Hi Internet,

I suck. On Friday nights like this you're my only social life. And I mean you and only you. I don't even talk to people online. Well, it's not like there's nobody I can go out with, I just don't have money. And it's not that I don't have a boyfriend, he's just out with his friends. Because he has a social life... and he doesn't suck... unlike me. On Friday nights like this I wish I didn't have you, Internet, and I wish I still lived in QC. Then I would be forced to go out in search of something to do. Even without money, I'm sure I would find ways, because that's what's living in QC is like, one can always find ways. On Friday nights like this, I am reminded that I am still 23. Using pop culture as reference, I should be out there having fun with my friends. I should be "unwinding" and "letting my hair down." On Friday nights like this, I wish I was single and didn't have to worry about what my boyfriend would think. Because no matter what happens I'm sure in one way or another going out on a Friday night like this without him would lead into a fight, even a small one. Most of all, on Friday nights like this, I miss being with my friends. I miss talking with other people. I miss the feeling of being human, of being alive.

See, Internet? The world outside is a lot different from what you show us. And I am more shallow than I appear to be. I simply ask that Friday nights like this would no longer exist, so that what would remain are only Friday nights. Just Friday nights.

Have not been getting down for many Fridays,
Me

Bullet Points

• All pent-up feelings surface when listening to music.
• I long for someone who would rather stay in with me all night than go out to party.
• Remember that magazine I worked for? Its former employees created an unofficial Facebook Group bashing the company and its bosses. Oh, what fun! I get to vent out on how much they suck.
• Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be single and dating. I never got to experience it, you see. I would like to think that I'm happy and content with the current romantic relationship I am in but would I be asking this if I was?
• I am jealous of the people around me. I am jealous of the people my age and those younger than me who are doing what they love and are good at it. I wish I was skilled and talented. And born and raised rich.
• I am stuck to where I was three years ago. Stuck with the same boyfriend, the same dilemmas, the same dreams, the same knowledge, the same skills. It would not be too long that I would become obsolete. I need to update myself. Quickly.
• I don't like asking other people for work/racket. I have always been insecure about this and have always felt scared that I would not be able to deliver. I'd rather they ask me. They would know better if I was competent enough for the job. But unfortunately, in this cruel world, this sort of snobbish mindset wouldn't get a mediocre petite bourgeois like me anywhere. I'd like to be more aggressive. But I also know that that I can never be.
• I really need to feed myself. You think I should stop dealing with anything that is of the arts?
• In case you were wondering, yes, there was a time when I loved being me very much.
• The past three years have taught me what it's really like to be in a relationship. My relationships before this were... steady. I never really had to worry much about my ex-partners because they were all able and independent and they took care of me more than I of them. No wonder I've been having second thoughts. Am I really ready for a relationship? Like I have a choice, I'm already in one.
• I really need to feed myself.

Usual Rant

Pre-prod resumes tomorrow. Shoot is on Friday. And I, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I turned down this project twice. I still ended up agreeing to do it. The favors I do for friends. That's why I don't talk to a lot of them at the time, I can't afford it.

C and I are growing apart. He still insists that we stay together, of course. But I'm not sure. I want him to do what he wants and I'm happy with how things are going for him. I just don't think we should still be together. I'm just so tired of waiting.

I think I can say that I've been very understanding the past years, but I don't know where else I can get the patience to survive the next.

If I listen to him and stay in this relationship I'm afraid I'll go mad. If it's always going to be like this how can I realize my own potential? How will I ever find my own niche? How will I have my own children? Yes, it is an issue for me even at 23. I want to be a mother. It's not a problem if I have to be a single mom, but if I stay in this relationship, I know that I might never have sons and daughters.

Maybe I'm being selfish and unfair. Or maybe I don't love him enough anymore to support him in doing the things he love. I think I simply changed. My priorities changed, while he hasn't figured out his priorities yet. He says I'm his priority. that he's trying to build a life for the both us. But I know that this is only partly true. I know he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me but also expects me to be on the sidelines, cheering him on, being patient, waiting for him. You see, C's got a thing for the limelight. He wants to build a name for himself. There's nothing wrong with that, ambition can be a good thing. But I'm not like that. I'm much simpler than I appear to be. I was never a rockstar nor did I ever want to be one.

I have suffered greatly in the past, losing people that I love, so letting go of this one isn't easy. But I want to be happy, I would like to believe I deserve fulfillment. Also, I dream of visiting this certain place, learning this certain thing, and having this certain number of kids. All a secret for now. Let's see if I muster the courage to let go and finally chase those dreams.

(If only we live in a free world, problems like this wouldn't exist.)

Living is futile

I'm starting to realize that there really is no way to truly live other than fighting for genuine liberation. Others ways are not living, just an attempt to.

This is my vain attempt.

I have made difficult decisions in my life but none has prepared me for this. I have grown so little in the past two to three years that I think I am obliged to force myself to grow up now.

This isn't just about me anymore, it's about responsibilities. It's about family.

Unfortunately, I come from a lower petite bourgeois family. The past few years have not been our best, economically speaking. There really is nothing to blame but the economy/oppressors/landlords/imperialism/big bourgeois comprador. Call it whatever, it's the same shit when you look at the big picture.

Do you see it now?  It may seem like I have options but I don't.

Soon enough my heart and soul would die. I may continue to breathe, but I would be dead inside. I would be working to feed my siblings, to send them to school, to keep a roof over our heads. We would all attempt to live. My soul would be dead inside, but I would at least try to save my family's.

Daddy Issues

So dead. Soooo dead.

what is this poverty

gutom na gutom na ako at wala akong pera. sobrang payat ko na, oo, pero aminin nating hindi pa rin papasang pulubi ang kutis kaya kahit siguro mamalimos ako sa labas wala ring magbibigay. alam ko ring kailangan ko nang umuwi sa magulang ko pero wait lang, mamaya-maya siguro. dami ko pang iniisip e. mukhang doon muna ako titira nang ilang araw, mag-re-recharge, mag-iipon ng lakas at fats para makagalaw-galaw ulit sa mundo.

naiisip ko nga na what if ang raket ko e "meal companion?" tamang pwede akong kontakin ng mga gusto ng company during lunch break tapos ang bayad lang e ililibre ako ng pagkain. (siguro pag malayo may transpo allowance pang-commute, kung may kotse e di sunduan.) di ba? hindi na ako magugutom. para akong on-call date for rent pero para lang talaga sa mga gustong may kasabay kumain. maayos at masaya rin naman akong kasama at kausap, at magana rin akong kumain. pwede ko ring bagayan kung anong trip nung tao, mapa-street food, home-cooked, o fine dining. kung may pera siguro ako magbabayad din ako minsan para dito, hindi kasi ako makakain nang walang kasabay. sana may makaimbento ng ganito, sasali ako.

sana magkaroon na 'ko ng raket papa jisus.

Segue

So many things have happened
and a lot that I have learned the past few days.

STRENGTH. It's what I need to get through the following days. Nothing's certain anymore and it scares me. It scares me and at the same time I don't really want to care. I just want to keep going and not giving an F. And yes, I'm getting there. The cold-hearted whatever-you-want-to-call-me.

P and P

"Thank you for your patience and perseverance." was part of the text message I received from a former boss after we first won an award for Best in Production Design. Mukhang 'yun lang talaga ang ma-i-o-offer ko sa mundong ito. Fine.

Drunk Blogging

Bakit ba kailangang ganito? Bakit ako pa-cool? Sana finally mamanhid na 'ko. Ayoko nang maging tao. PLEASE.

FUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Friday the 13th

Ain't my day, bitches. I just want to sulk in a corner, under the covers. I can't even begin to...

Lately, I like to keep things positive but it seems that I'm the only one who does. What's the point of having an optimistic perspective when people around you would make you feel like you're only fooling yourself? If holding back on yourself, the things you want to do, your dreams, and your principles so you could help the people you love is being selfish then fuck being selfless!

I promise to be strong the following days and punch my worries in each of their faces. No more social life. I'm going to start moving for myself and my family.

So goodbye, good-vibed self. Welcome Bertong Badtrip back.

Lumpen Bourgeois

All the things that I've been doing or not doing the past weeks have taken their toll. My body's giving up on me and my finances are messed up (not that I have any money to begin with.)

I started smoking again last week and I have been drinking non-stop for days. Worst of it all, I haven't been keeping a healthy diet. Hell, I haven't even been eating on time or at least thrice a day. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat. I usually eat A LOT, but I had no money so I had to wait for friends or my housemates to feed me.

Now, there's somewhere I have to be at for a job interview but here I am at my parents' house, slacking, drinking lots of water, trying to rest my lungs. I am conflicted. I know that I can reschedule to another day but my need for a job is urgent. (I don't even care what I'm going to have to do, I can always quit if I don't like it.) I'm just scared that I might not pass the interview and exams if I go in this state.

Updates. Daily. Continuity.

When has it become so hard to update a personal blog? It used to be so easy way back when that I would write about my day no matter how exhausted I was. The worst thing that could happen would be making a mental note of all the things that happened so that I could write about it the following days.

Now it's just writing when I feel like it and then not when I don't. I have to make an effort on updating this regularly. Yes, even with nonsense and things I feel that only I care about. Isn't that what this is about anyway? 

So, yeah. Update more often. We need some continuity here!