always searching for something
never quite learning
it's a new day and hey
he's still coming like he never went
away
here's everything
but won't keep him sitting still
never satisfied until something's epic
but boy, don't you see?
here's me
things get confusing in the morning
while I'm sleeping he's prepping
he's going away, oh stay
he's still going and I'm left alone
today
here's everything
but won't keep him sitting still
never satisfied until something's epic
but boy, don't you see?
here's me
always feeling like the world is leaving
never thinking, always taking
he's on his way but hey
he's chasing nothing
all day
here's something
I won't be sitting still
you're never satisfied, nothing's epic
so I'm making you see--
---
feeling lyrics
1.1.13
29.12.12
Resolutions 2013
C and I had a long talk last night. We've come to understand a lot of things about us. So we're okay, for now.
----
I've always believed that if you wanted to change something about yourself, you should do it anytime you need to, which renders New Year's resolutions worthless. But here I am, writing down my resolutions for the first time since grade school when we were forced to write them down by every teacher every year. So here's mine, and whether I live up to them or not, a list wouldn't hurt. So this is for my 2013 self, to remind her that she's awesome and is destined for greatness.
----
I've always believed that if you wanted to change something about yourself, you should do it anytime you need to, which renders New Year's resolutions worthless. But here I am, writing down my resolutions for the first time since grade school when we were forced to write them down by every teacher every year. So here's mine, and whether I live up to them or not, a list wouldn't hurt. So this is for my 2013 self, to remind her that she's awesome and is destined for greatness.
- Eat healthy and be physically fit. Try to, at least. Avoid fast foods, learn to cook. Make a "healthy list" before going to the grocery so that even if you buy all those junk, you'll be sure to get the good stuff too. Drink more water. Get more involved in physical activities. Kinect everyday. Will try yoga.
- Manage time wisely. Get it done. Try to do as much work everyday but remember that you can't do everything. Sress is bad for your brain. Do more collabs. Work with people. Set some time aside for art. Create your own material.
- Read more and write more. Get some good eyeglasses and don't lose them! Read a lot. And then some more. Write everyday. Create a new blog, share stuff. Pen and paper are your weapons, always carry them with you. Write those ideas. Write those poems, that screenplay, that short story.
- Be curious. Enroll in a class. Never stop learning. There's power in knowing. Goal is to enroll in uni the next semester. Things to study on the side: Astronomy, Geography (or basic directions, at least!), Culinary, Health Awareness, Cinematography, Non-Linear Editing.
- Rent an apartment by March. Keep it neat and tidy. Initially, get a stable internet connection, a bed, and a desk. Before the year ends, own a refrigerator, washing machine, and an oven. Invite people over regularly.
- Invest in the following gadgets only: a decent phone to be used mainly for work/business and a good camera to document stuff.
- Make beautiful things. Practice DIY and crafts. Sew more. Give them away as gifts.
- Stay resourceful. :)
- Stop being such a B. I don't know how exactly, but you'll get there. Remain kind to others. Sometimes you may feel tempted to attack someone because they're not being nice--don't. Remember that everyone's having their own, personal State of Emergency everyday. Lend a hand to friends, it will pay back. Be careful about what comes out of your mouth. Try to be at peace with yourself, avoid saying hurtful words to and about anyone. Be pleasing.
- Look in the mirror more often. Take care of yourself. Buy basic clothes. Pay attention to your hair. It is important to maintain good skin. Wear sunscreen (PLEASE). Again, drink more water.
- Visit your dentist every month! Get those braces removed ASAP! I cannot stress this more.
- Be more involved in your society. You may rarely march the streets or vandalize buildings nowadays, but the problems have not changed since the time you did. If you can't afford to do full-time activism work, get involved culturally at least.
This list makes me want to do a happy dance.
26.12.12
Isang Mabilis na Rant hinggil sa Pakikipagrelasyon
Minsan ayaw ko na lang mag-isip. Gusto ko na lang humawla, putulin ang contact, magpalit ng number, kung pwede lang, e, lumipat ng bahay. Masyado akong mahina para sa ganitong klase ng feelings. Di ko kaya yung constantly caring at incessantly worrying na moda sa buhay. Kaso bawal gumive up any-any kasi kupal daw ang tawag doon.
Pupunta s'ya sa ganito, pupunta sa ganyan, kasama si ganito, kasama si ganyan. E kung matino ba naman 'yung karelasyon mo simula't sapul, e, wala naman talagang problema pero kung pangit ang track record medyo expecting ka ng matindi-tinding pag-re-redeem. At doon pumapasok ang problema. Expectations lead to disappointment. Cliche pero logical.
E 'di 'wag kang mag-expect, 'di ba? 'Yun nga ang sinusubukan kong i-master pero for some reason nag-li-lead lang ako into thinking na, para ba talaga sa 'kin 'to? Minsan kasi naniniwala talaga ako sa utak ko na I deserve something/someone else. Masakit lang din talagang makipaghiwalay. As in literal na masakit sa pagkatao, physiologically. So hindi puso ang may sala, itong utak natin na hard-wired na makaramdam ng sakit kapag may nawawala sa 'tin at/o na-re-reject tayo.
Madalas akong magalit, tapos iisipin kong ayoko na talaga. Sawa na 'ko. Ayoko ng ganitong buhay-pakikipagrelasyon. Gusto ko ng smooth-flowing, hindi sa fairytale-ish pero 'yung alam mo lang sa sarili mo na tama 'yon, 'yung hindi mo kinokontrata 'yung sarili mo. Sarili mo as in personality, upbringing, values. 'Yung hindi mo kailangang, tangina, piliting paniwalain 'yung sarili mo na, okay lang ang lahat, masaya naman kayo, 'di matindi 'yang problema n'yo, lahat dumadaan d'yan, worth it naman 'yan kasi mahal ka n'ya, at higit sa lahat, e ano naman kung ganyan s'ya, at least hindi s'ya nambababae? Ayun na. Don't get me wrong, ano. Masaya ako at naging faithful s'ya, at least physically, sa 'kin, pero why am I supposed to be thankful? 'Di ba dapat given na 'yon?
Mabalik tayo sa pagkontra-kontra sa sarili. Hindi kasi talaga kami magkaintindihan at kahit anong gawin namin, hindi talaga kami magkakaintindihan. Una, dahil lalaki s'ya. Kahit anong sabihin ng kahit na sino, hindi n'ya naranasang matakot na mapagsamantalahan ng taong significantly mas malakas sa kanya, na by the way, hindi lang namin isa, dalawa, tatlo, isangdaang beses naranasang mga babae sa buhay namin. Unless naranasan na ng lalaking ito na magtagal sa kulungan na tamang 'yung mayor/lider ng selda nila, e, trip s'ya. Bukod pa doon, s'ya 'yung tipo ng lalaking na sa paghanap ng partner ang unang tinitignan ng tao ay physical appearance. Kamusta naman ang pressure noon 'di ba? Babae na nga ko't 99% ng objectified, commodified, at standardized na mga bagay sa mundo e nag-co-consist ng kababaihan, patungkol sa kababaihan, parte ng katawan ng kababaihan, at kung anu-ano pang may kinalaman sa kababaihan, tapos eto, eto ang pressure. Napapaligiran s'ya ng magagandang taong alam kong hindi ko kayang pantayan physically at alam ko ring ang tanging pumipigil sa kanyang kumantot ng iba, e, alam n'yang mawawala ako, pero in his mind, it has been done so many times. At dito pumapasok 'yung "at least hindi s'ya nambababae" comments ng mga tao na i-ne-expect yata ng lahat na maging thankful ako.
Pangalawa, magkaiba ang lifestyle at upbringing sa 'min. Wala ako masyadong values pero 'pag tinabi mo 'yung buhay ko sa kanya parang ang dami ko no'n. Dati nung medyo bago-bago pa lang kami sinasabihan n'ya akong masyadong uptight, so 'yun na nga, magkaiba talaga kami. Hindi talaga ako lumaking manginginom at mabarkada. Feeling ko okay naman kasi ako, e, choice kong 'wag masyadong maging maligaya sa buhay. Marami naman na 'kong nasubukan at saksi ang blog na ito (at iba ko pang blogs) dyan pero hindi ako kasing wild ng mga naisusulat ko. Hindi ko lang kasi naitatala 'yung mga araw na sober ako. Ha, ha. Halimbawa ng pagkakaiba namin, eto, hindi ganon ka-literal pero it kind of explains the point, s'ya ay isang musikerong gustong mag-travel, mag-beach, mag-trip sa Amsterdam, ako ay isang talentless na taga-syudad na ayaw umalis ng syudad, gustong magkaanak, mamuhay, tumanda at mamatay sa syudad, the end. Dissimilar interests and life habits? Malaking problema. Pinapa-imagine ko sa kanya minsan na what if ako 'yung musikero na gusto lang mag-wander, hindi nagmamadali sa buhay, lumalabas para uminom with friends nang wala s'ya, what would he feel? Well, hindi n'ya raw ma-imagine. Kamot ulo na lang ako.
Pangatlo, sinasaktan namin ang isa't isa. Masakit kami magsalita kapag galit kami. Nahihila n'ya 'ko, pinipilit, hinahawakan nang mahigpit. Nasapak ko na s'ya, nabato, at nasipa. Tinutulak ko s'ya kapag ayoko s'yang lumapit o tinatanggal ang kamay n'ya kapag galit ako at ayaw magpaamo. Kapag ginagawa ko 'yon lalo lang s'yang lalapit, aasarin ako, hahawakan ng mahigpit, o mag-me-make face. Nagsasagutan kami sa publiko. Nagagalit s'ya kapag umiiyak ako, over daw, ang sensitive ko naman daw. Kapag naman galit s'ya pero wala s'yang nakukuhang reaksyon mula sa 'kin, pino-provoke n'ya 'ko nang i-po-porovoke hanggang sa magalit na ako, tapos doon na babaliktad ang sitwasyon, ako na bigla ang "OA."
Pang-apat, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pero pangit ang relasyon namin sa mga kaibigan ng isa't isa. Okay lang naman ako sa mga kaibigan n'ya pero isa kasi silang malaking factor kung bakit ang bagal n'yang tumanda at hanggang ngayon, e, living like he's 21 pa rin. Tapos sa isang mayabang na lebel naman, minsan tamad lang akong makihalubilo kasi hindi ko sila ma-gets, kasi hindi lang talaga ako ganon, at minsan hindi ko ma-take 'yung yabang nila sa mga buhay nila. Hindi rin ako sumasama sa mga family gatherings nila, same reason. Kilala n'ya halos lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, ang problema naman, e, may mga kaibigan akong nasira ang relasyon ko sa kanila dahil sa kanya. Mahabang kwento. Okay naman ang pamilya ko sa kanya, pero dahil pamilya ko sila pine-pressure lang talaga nila 'ko kasi they're expecting something more from me. Kumbaga, sige, fine, hindi nila kekwestyunin 'yung jowa ko dahil pinili ko na 'yon, pero from time to time, hihirit sila o magtatanong kung ano na bang nangyayari sa buhay ng karelasyon ko. Minsan hihirit ng mabilis ng kung ano bang nakita ko o somewhere along the lines of "you deserve better."
Panglima, paulit-ulit mga problema namin, paiba-iba lang ng version.
Pang-anim, magkaiba talaga kami. Oo, inulit ko lang 'yung pangalawa to emphasize kung gaano ito kahalaga. Oo, naghahanap s'ya ng trabaho, sinasabi n'yang gusto n'yang magkapamilya kasama ako. Well, I'm sure. Pero not in the near future dahil hindi pa s'ya handa magkapamilya, hindi lang financially. Marami pa s'yang gustong gawin at na-se-stress ako na para bang pinapalabas n'yang binabago n'ya ang buhay n'ya para sa 'kin. Sa totoo lang may part sa 'kin na nagagalit dahil parang utang na loob ko pang nagbabago s'ya na parang, "Shut the fuck up, 'wag ka nang puro reklamo, eto na nga, e, ginagawa na 'yung gusto mo, ano pa ba? Pati ba naman 'yung paglabas-labas papakialaman mo pa? Minsan lang naman e." (Syempre 'di n'ya talaga sinabi 'to, it's just how I feel.) Hindi kasi nag-ca-cancel out 'yon. Magkaiba silang issue. Hindi dahil ginagawa 'yung isang bagay, e, that makes it okay na gawin 'yung isa pa dahil lang you've been good sa kabilang aspeto.
Ayoko lang din talagang pinipilit ang mga bagay, meron ngang working things out, pero mararamdaman mo rin kapag masyado nang pilit at hindi na natural para sa inyo pareho. He goes out of his way para lang sa 'kin, pagdating sa pagsundo sa trabaho, pag-aalaga, pagtawag, at kung anu-ano pang boyfriend ka-cheesy-han, at mukhang willing naman s'yang gawin 'yon, pero iba 'yung babaguhin n'ya 'yung life n'ya dahil lang sa 'kin. Gets ko kung gaano kahirap dahil ako man hindi ko kayong baguhin 'yung "values" ko para sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang, sige, manood ka ng porn mo, bumili ka ng men's magazines mo, inom kayo ng friends mo, mag-drugs ka lang dyan, sige, punta ka dagat all you want. Gusto kong ibigay pero hindi talaga ako 'yon and I think he deserves someone who he can be genuinely happy with, na susuportahan s'ya sa mga trip n'ya, hindi mag-ro-roll ng eyes kapag nag-share n'ya 'yung mga plano n'ya or mas okay, hindi n'ya na kakailanganing mag-share ng mga plano n'ya, tamang it will just come naturally. 'yung taong tatawa kapag kinwento n'ya 'yung night out n'ya, 'yung hindi s'ya sasabihang mataba at ipagluluto pa s'ya, 'yung uuwi sa Puerto Princesa kasama n'ya, pupunta sa family gatherings, at makikihalubilo sa mga kaibigan n'ya, ipagsusulat s'ya ng tula, bibigyan s'ya ng masahe kapag pagod s'ya, papanoorin gigs nila ng banda n'ya, magpaplano ng future kasama s'ya. Dati masasabi ko pang ganito ako or at least kaya kong gawin ang mga 'to para sa kanya, pero wala, e, hindi ko na maalala kun kailan tumigil 'yung feeling na 'yon.
I can never be that person again, and the thought hurts me. Dahil alam kong unfair na hindi ko na maibibigay 'yon sa kanya. Nagbago na 'ko ang that's that.
Pupunta s'ya sa ganito, pupunta sa ganyan, kasama si ganito, kasama si ganyan. E kung matino ba naman 'yung karelasyon mo simula't sapul, e, wala naman talagang problema pero kung pangit ang track record medyo expecting ka ng matindi-tinding pag-re-redeem. At doon pumapasok ang problema. Expectations lead to disappointment. Cliche pero logical.
E 'di 'wag kang mag-expect, 'di ba? 'Yun nga ang sinusubukan kong i-master pero for some reason nag-li-lead lang ako into thinking na, para ba talaga sa 'kin 'to? Minsan kasi naniniwala talaga ako sa utak ko na I deserve something/someone else. Masakit lang din talagang makipaghiwalay. As in literal na masakit sa pagkatao, physiologically. So hindi puso ang may sala, itong utak natin na hard-wired na makaramdam ng sakit kapag may nawawala sa 'tin at/o na-re-reject tayo.
Madalas akong magalit, tapos iisipin kong ayoko na talaga. Sawa na 'ko. Ayoko ng ganitong buhay-pakikipagrelasyon. Gusto ko ng smooth-flowing, hindi sa fairytale-ish pero 'yung alam mo lang sa sarili mo na tama 'yon, 'yung hindi mo kinokontrata 'yung sarili mo. Sarili mo as in personality, upbringing, values. 'Yung hindi mo kailangang, tangina, piliting paniwalain 'yung sarili mo na, okay lang ang lahat, masaya naman kayo, 'di matindi 'yang problema n'yo, lahat dumadaan d'yan, worth it naman 'yan kasi mahal ka n'ya, at higit sa lahat, e ano naman kung ganyan s'ya, at least hindi s'ya nambababae? Ayun na. Don't get me wrong, ano. Masaya ako at naging faithful s'ya, at least physically, sa 'kin, pero why am I supposed to be thankful? 'Di ba dapat given na 'yon?
Mabalik tayo sa pagkontra-kontra sa sarili. Hindi kasi talaga kami magkaintindihan at kahit anong gawin namin, hindi talaga kami magkakaintindihan. Una, dahil lalaki s'ya. Kahit anong sabihin ng kahit na sino, hindi n'ya naranasang matakot na mapagsamantalahan ng taong significantly mas malakas sa kanya, na by the way, hindi lang namin isa, dalawa, tatlo, isangdaang beses naranasang mga babae sa buhay namin. Unless naranasan na ng lalaking ito na magtagal sa kulungan na tamang 'yung mayor/lider ng selda nila, e, trip s'ya. Bukod pa doon, s'ya 'yung tipo ng lalaking na sa paghanap ng partner ang unang tinitignan ng tao ay physical appearance. Kamusta naman ang pressure noon 'di ba? Babae na nga ko't 99% ng objectified, commodified, at standardized na mga bagay sa mundo e nag-co-consist ng kababaihan, patungkol sa kababaihan, parte ng katawan ng kababaihan, at kung anu-ano pang may kinalaman sa kababaihan, tapos eto, eto ang pressure. Napapaligiran s'ya ng magagandang taong alam kong hindi ko kayang pantayan physically at alam ko ring ang tanging pumipigil sa kanyang kumantot ng iba, e, alam n'yang mawawala ako, pero in his mind, it has been done so many times. At dito pumapasok 'yung "at least hindi s'ya nambababae" comments ng mga tao na i-ne-expect yata ng lahat na maging thankful ako.
Pangalawa, magkaiba ang lifestyle at upbringing sa 'min. Wala ako masyadong values pero 'pag tinabi mo 'yung buhay ko sa kanya parang ang dami ko no'n. Dati nung medyo bago-bago pa lang kami sinasabihan n'ya akong masyadong uptight, so 'yun na nga, magkaiba talaga kami. Hindi talaga ako lumaking manginginom at mabarkada. Feeling ko okay naman kasi ako, e, choice kong 'wag masyadong maging maligaya sa buhay. Marami naman na 'kong nasubukan at saksi ang blog na ito (at iba ko pang blogs) dyan pero hindi ako kasing wild ng mga naisusulat ko. Hindi ko lang kasi naitatala 'yung mga araw na sober ako. Ha, ha. Halimbawa ng pagkakaiba namin, eto, hindi ganon ka-literal pero it kind of explains the point, s'ya ay isang musikerong gustong mag-travel, mag-beach, mag-trip sa Amsterdam, ako ay isang talentless na taga-syudad na ayaw umalis ng syudad, gustong magkaanak, mamuhay, tumanda at mamatay sa syudad, the end. Dissimilar interests and life habits? Malaking problema. Pinapa-imagine ko sa kanya minsan na what if ako 'yung musikero na gusto lang mag-wander, hindi nagmamadali sa buhay, lumalabas para uminom with friends nang wala s'ya, what would he feel? Well, hindi n'ya raw ma-imagine. Kamot ulo na lang ako.
Pangatlo, sinasaktan namin ang isa't isa. Masakit kami magsalita kapag galit kami. Nahihila n'ya 'ko, pinipilit, hinahawakan nang mahigpit. Nasapak ko na s'ya, nabato, at nasipa. Tinutulak ko s'ya kapag ayoko s'yang lumapit o tinatanggal ang kamay n'ya kapag galit ako at ayaw magpaamo. Kapag ginagawa ko 'yon lalo lang s'yang lalapit, aasarin ako, hahawakan ng mahigpit, o mag-me-make face. Nagsasagutan kami sa publiko. Nagagalit s'ya kapag umiiyak ako, over daw, ang sensitive ko naman daw. Kapag naman galit s'ya pero wala s'yang nakukuhang reaksyon mula sa 'kin, pino-provoke n'ya 'ko nang i-po-porovoke hanggang sa magalit na ako, tapos doon na babaliktad ang sitwasyon, ako na bigla ang "OA."
Pang-apat, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pero pangit ang relasyon namin sa mga kaibigan ng isa't isa. Okay lang naman ako sa mga kaibigan n'ya pero isa kasi silang malaking factor kung bakit ang bagal n'yang tumanda at hanggang ngayon, e, living like he's 21 pa rin. Tapos sa isang mayabang na lebel naman, minsan tamad lang akong makihalubilo kasi hindi ko sila ma-gets, kasi hindi lang talaga ako ganon, at minsan hindi ko ma-take 'yung yabang nila sa mga buhay nila. Hindi rin ako sumasama sa mga family gatherings nila, same reason. Kilala n'ya halos lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, ang problema naman, e, may mga kaibigan akong nasira ang relasyon ko sa kanila dahil sa kanya. Mahabang kwento. Okay naman ang pamilya ko sa kanya, pero dahil pamilya ko sila pine-pressure lang talaga nila 'ko kasi they're expecting something more from me. Kumbaga, sige, fine, hindi nila kekwestyunin 'yung jowa ko dahil pinili ko na 'yon, pero from time to time, hihirit sila o magtatanong kung ano na bang nangyayari sa buhay ng karelasyon ko. Minsan hihirit ng mabilis ng kung ano bang nakita ko o somewhere along the lines of "you deserve better."
Panglima, paulit-ulit mga problema namin, paiba-iba lang ng version.
Pang-anim, magkaiba talaga kami. Oo, inulit ko lang 'yung pangalawa to emphasize kung gaano ito kahalaga. Oo, naghahanap s'ya ng trabaho, sinasabi n'yang gusto n'yang magkapamilya kasama ako. Well, I'm sure. Pero not in the near future dahil hindi pa s'ya handa magkapamilya, hindi lang financially. Marami pa s'yang gustong gawin at na-se-stress ako na para bang pinapalabas n'yang binabago n'ya ang buhay n'ya para sa 'kin. Sa totoo lang may part sa 'kin na nagagalit dahil parang utang na loob ko pang nagbabago s'ya na parang, "Shut the fuck up, 'wag ka nang puro reklamo, eto na nga, e, ginagawa na 'yung gusto mo, ano pa ba? Pati ba naman 'yung paglabas-labas papakialaman mo pa? Minsan lang naman e." (Syempre 'di n'ya talaga sinabi 'to, it's just how I feel.) Hindi kasi nag-ca-cancel out 'yon. Magkaiba silang issue. Hindi dahil ginagawa 'yung isang bagay, e, that makes it okay na gawin 'yung isa pa dahil lang you've been good sa kabilang aspeto.
Ayoko lang din talagang pinipilit ang mga bagay, meron ngang working things out, pero mararamdaman mo rin kapag masyado nang pilit at hindi na natural para sa inyo pareho. He goes out of his way para lang sa 'kin, pagdating sa pagsundo sa trabaho, pag-aalaga, pagtawag, at kung anu-ano pang boyfriend ka-cheesy-han, at mukhang willing naman s'yang gawin 'yon, pero iba 'yung babaguhin n'ya 'yung life n'ya dahil lang sa 'kin. Gets ko kung gaano kahirap dahil ako man hindi ko kayong baguhin 'yung "values" ko para sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang, sige, manood ka ng porn mo, bumili ka ng men's magazines mo, inom kayo ng friends mo, mag-drugs ka lang dyan, sige, punta ka dagat all you want. Gusto kong ibigay pero hindi talaga ako 'yon and I think he deserves someone who he can be genuinely happy with, na susuportahan s'ya sa mga trip n'ya, hindi mag-ro-roll ng eyes kapag nag-share n'ya 'yung mga plano n'ya or mas okay, hindi n'ya na kakailanganing mag-share ng mga plano n'ya, tamang it will just come naturally. 'yung taong tatawa kapag kinwento n'ya 'yung night out n'ya, 'yung hindi s'ya sasabihang mataba at ipagluluto pa s'ya, 'yung uuwi sa Puerto Princesa kasama n'ya, pupunta sa family gatherings, at makikihalubilo sa mga kaibigan n'ya, ipagsusulat s'ya ng tula, bibigyan s'ya ng masahe kapag pagod s'ya, papanoorin gigs nila ng banda n'ya, magpaplano ng future kasama s'ya. Dati masasabi ko pang ganito ako or at least kaya kong gawin ang mga 'to para sa kanya, pero wala, e, hindi ko na maalala kun kailan tumigil 'yung feeling na 'yon.
I can never be that person again, and the thought hurts me. Dahil alam kong unfair na hindi ko na maibibigay 'yon sa kanya. Nagbago na 'ko ang that's that.
24.12.12
No, No, No Noche Buena
I think this is the first time we're not having Noche Buena. I found out just now. My sister and I waited eagerly. We've gotten so used to it that not having it wasn't an option. This is weird. Should I go to sleep now?
Neither Here nor There: The I-Was-Supposed-to-Post Post
I want to know what you're thinking. What you're really thinking. And feeling. Not what you think you should tell me or what you think I want to hear or what you think is the proper thing to say. I'm sorry if I'm not good with criticisms, but I still want/need to know.
---
Things you do probably do not care about but I would want to write down just for the sake of remembering:
-Saw Hobbit in 3D. The first LOTR film I've ever seen!
-Me and Orson Welles. <3
-Finally unfriended L on Facebook. This may seem shallow but I really do feel relieved.
-Been playing The Last Stand: Dead Zone. Ugh, I'm hooked.
-Just got my period = not pregnant. I half-hoped I was.
-I plan to attend Malasimbo again next year. Need to start saving up.
-I will start working a full-time home-based job on January 1st. I haven't quite figured out how I will make this work as I have no workspace and my laptop's keyboard is broken. I can't work on my desktop because I just can't. Also, I need to buy new eyeglasses. Hello, eyestrain.
-I wish I'd still be able to go to the museum regularly despite this new job.
-I NEED A SMART PHONE.
-I'm excited to eat at Van Gogh is Bipolar with C! I'll probably cry. Teehee.
-Family's day out tomorrow.
-Speaking of family, my mom's brother's ex-wife is now my dad's brother's girlfriend/live-in partner/baby mama. WTF RIGHT?
-I haven't bought gifts for my siblings and parents yet. THE MALLS ARE INSANE SO I'M SORRY. I'll give them something on the New Year instead. Maybe. Mwahaha!
-That alpha male director's film sucked, they said. MWAHAHA!
-I miss going out with my friends but at the same time, I can't be bothered.
-I NEED NEW EYEGLASSES.
-I NEED TO VISIT MY DENTIST.
-Can't think of anything else right now.
7.12.12
Blog: Oh, hi there. Finally, you're blogging. *hands me a cigarette*
Me: No, thanks. Sorry, I was kind of preoccupied--
Blog: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. *lights cigarette*
*huffs*
*puffs*
Silence.
Blog: So, what do you want to write about?
Me: I'm thinking of starting a new blog. A public one.
Blog: Well, why don't you go ahead and start one now?
Me: My hands are still pretty full right now so...
Blog: M-hmm. So when do you plan on starting it? You've been forgetting a lot of things you know, not writing them down.
Me: I'm not sure. But I've got a pretty good idea for this one.
Blog: Like you did for me and for the others, a long time ago.
Silence.
Me: So, uhm, anyway, yesterday, Koko watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time.
Blog: Well, that's not entirely true, he watched half of it. Why would you even want to tell me that? Let him watch the entire movie then you tell me about it.
Me: Uhm, okay. Today I learned about neuroesthetics. Well, sort of. At least I got an idea on what it's about. My colleague talked about it today, in her presentation.
Blog: Well, that's pretty interesting.
Me: Yeah, it is. But I'm not sure I believe in it in its entirety. Anyway, I also had fun goofing off with my friends at the museum today. It's the first time I've felt comfortable at making fun of myself in a while.
Blog: What did you guys do?
Me: Sang, danced, for almost an hour in front of this exhibit that plays different songs, not caring about the museum visitors passing by.
Blog: I'm happy that you are starting to feel comfortable about yourself and being around other people-- new people.
Me: It was really a lot of fun. I also ate caviar for the first time today. It tasted like galunggong.
Blog: Did it, really?
Me: At least that's what my friend described it to be. I thought it tasted salty and yes, fish-like.
Blog: What else did you have today?
Me: Omelette, Jollibee burger, baby back ribs and roast beef with C. I also ate mangga-aligue for the first time today. I loved it.
Blog: Damn, that sounds good!
Me: It is.
Blog: Mm-hmm.
Silence.
Me: Well, I guess that's all for now.
Blog: What about the other stuff you've been busy with?
Me: Don't want to talk about them, really.
Blog: I see. You're looking positive.
Me: Thanks.
Blog: Alright then. See you tomorrow?
Me: Uh...
Blog: Fine. See you when I see you.
Me: Bye for now.
Blog: Yep.
Me: No, thanks. Sorry, I was kind of preoccupied--
Blog: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. *lights cigarette*
*huffs*
*puffs*
Silence.
Blog: So, what do you want to write about?
Me: I'm thinking of starting a new blog. A public one.
Blog: Well, why don't you go ahead and start one now?
Me: My hands are still pretty full right now so...
Blog: M-hmm. So when do you plan on starting it? You've been forgetting a lot of things you know, not writing them down.
Me: I'm not sure. But I've got a pretty good idea for this one.
Blog: Like you did for me and for the others, a long time ago.
Silence.
Me: So, uhm, anyway, yesterday, Koko watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time.
Blog: Well, that's not entirely true, he watched half of it. Why would you even want to tell me that? Let him watch the entire movie then you tell me about it.
Me: Uhm, okay. Today I learned about neuroesthetics. Well, sort of. At least I got an idea on what it's about. My colleague talked about it today, in her presentation.
Blog: Well, that's pretty interesting.
Me: Yeah, it is. But I'm not sure I believe in it in its entirety. Anyway, I also had fun goofing off with my friends at the museum today. It's the first time I've felt comfortable at making fun of myself in a while.
Blog: What did you guys do?
Me: Sang, danced, for almost an hour in front of this exhibit that plays different songs, not caring about the museum visitors passing by.
Blog: I'm happy that you are starting to feel comfortable about yourself and being around other people-- new people.
Me: It was really a lot of fun. I also ate caviar for the first time today. It tasted like galunggong.
Blog: Did it, really?
Me: At least that's what my friend described it to be. I thought it tasted salty and yes, fish-like.
Blog: What else did you have today?
Me: Omelette, Jollibee burger, baby back ribs and roast beef with C. I also ate mangga-aligue for the first time today. I loved it.
Blog: Damn, that sounds good!
Me: It is.
Blog: Mm-hmm.
Silence.
Me: Well, I guess that's all for now.
Blog: What about the other stuff you've been busy with?
Me: Don't want to talk about them, really.
Blog: I see. You're looking positive.
Me: Thanks.
Blog: Alright then. See you tomorrow?
Me: Uh...
Blog: Fine. See you when I see you.
Me: Bye for now.
Blog: Yep.
5.11.12
Another Job Interview
And another one... and another. It's an endless cycle.
I'm so tired I just want to get a, then again, high-paying robotic job. Pfft, no. I'm not that far down the hill yet.
I'm so tired I just want to get a, then again, high-paying robotic job. Pfft, no. I'm not that far down the hill yet.
3.11.12
Nothing Worth Reading
It's almost the end of the long weekend and I still haven't accomplished anything. For the past few days I have found myself wanting more practically impractical things, watching more useless crap, and surfing more brain-frying webpages.
1. I've been searching for the best phone to buy. I've been using my cheap ass phone for more than a year for a lot of reasons. Mainly because I'm not a great cellphone owner. I mindlessly lose it, intentionally or unintentionally break it, or sometimes I'm just unlucky enough to get robbed. (I owned 5 phones just last year, if you must know.) But I eventually need to succumb to the petite bourgeois societal demands of having a proper (meaning "smart") phone. I need to schedule meetings, take notes, handle my media content, access my email anytime, anywhere, blah, blah, and blah.
This is how I arrived to the Nokia Lumia 800, the model is a year old so it's relatively cheap. (Plus, Lumia 900 just came out.) I'd love to have an S3 or an iPhone but I don't have the budget and really, I don't need much, I just need something to get me going for the next two years (if it manages to last that long in my hands, even.)
2. I've seen the entire first season of Louie, and boy, was it good. I've been meaning to watch it for so long but I've never really bothered to. It's witty, entertaining, and most importantly, short enough. Somebody's got an attention span problem and she's sorry.
What I really like about Louis C.K., aside from making me laugh out loud (which is quite a feat) is that he is his own boss. He created, wrote, directed, produced, and edited his own show, and he had the guts to. He even produces his own live acts. No middlemen and agencies to exploit people. You buy show tickets directly from his website so the tickets are cheaper. He's great, smart, and his TV show is A+.
3. There isn't a lot of things to like about the new TV show, Revolution. The premise is interesting but it scores low on a lot of technical aspects. So until I hear that the plot, editing, production design, and acting--basically everything--has improved, I'll pass.
3. When I'm not watching something, I'm wasting my time with StumbleUpon. Enough said.
4. I want a lot of things for my Xbox, extra hard drive, new games, and Microsoft Points.
5. I want to bake cookies, cupcakes, cakes, and just about everything decadent that can be made through an oven for the holidays. I want to print shirts too. And make stuffed animals. Or try out DIY beauty stuff.
See how I've become superficial? I disappoint myself.
1. I've been searching for the best phone to buy. I've been using my cheap ass phone for more than a year for a lot of reasons. Mainly because I'm not a great cellphone owner. I mindlessly lose it, intentionally or unintentionally break it, or sometimes I'm just unlucky enough to get robbed. (I owned 5 phones just last year, if you must know.) But I eventually need to succumb to the petite bourgeois societal demands of having a proper (meaning "smart") phone. I need to schedule meetings, take notes, handle my media content, access my email anytime, anywhere, blah, blah, and blah.
This is how I arrived to the Nokia Lumia 800, the model is a year old so it's relatively cheap. (Plus, Lumia 900 just came out.) I'd love to have an S3 or an iPhone but I don't have the budget and really, I don't need much, I just need something to get me going for the next two years (if it manages to last that long in my hands, even.)
2. I've seen the entire first season of Louie, and boy, was it good. I've been meaning to watch it for so long but I've never really bothered to. It's witty, entertaining, and most importantly, short enough. Somebody's got an attention span problem and she's sorry.
What I really like about Louis C.K., aside from making me laugh out loud (which is quite a feat) is that he is his own boss. He created, wrote, directed, produced, and edited his own show, and he had the guts to. He even produces his own live acts. No middlemen and agencies to exploit people. You buy show tickets directly from his website so the tickets are cheaper. He's great, smart, and his TV show is A+.
3. There isn't a lot of things to like about the new TV show, Revolution. The premise is interesting but it scores low on a lot of technical aspects. So until I hear that the plot, editing, production design, and acting--basically everything--has improved, I'll pass.
3. When I'm not watching something, I'm wasting my time with StumbleUpon. Enough said.
4. I want a lot of things for my Xbox, extra hard drive, new games, and Microsoft Points.
5. I want to bake cookies, cupcakes, cakes, and just about everything decadent that can be made through an oven for the holidays. I want to print shirts too. And make stuffed animals. Or try out DIY beauty stuff.
See how I've become superficial? I disappoint myself.
1.11.12
Siddenly, I got nothing to say.
I just feel like I have to say something after that's everything that's happened the past weeks.
I quit my last film project.
Our event didn't push through.
And our short film didn't make it to the screening.
I wanted to just quit after everything that's happened. Surrender to that feeling, to that void. Get a robotic job and do what I do best, escape.
I still have to deliver with the event. We are bound by a contract and I am the signatory. I honestly don't know what to do as we don't have a revolving fund. But that's not even the big problem. The real problem here is I'm not really in the condition to troubleshoot. Given our team composition and our resources, I am the only one willing (I wouldn't say capable) to find ways for this project to actualize.
I don't feel secure because I don't have a plan. I am scared of what happens tomorrow, the day after that, and next week.
I don't know if I'm going to get a job and if I do get a job, how will I head this project?
What will happen next month? Next year? I want to get a job not mainly to earn, but to learn. But things are happening so fast I don't know if I can afford it.
---
Things between me and C are, well, same as usual, I guess. He still loves me, I know he does. I just really think I need a break. WE need a break. I'm just so tired of constantly being on my toes that I have become impatient about everything. It feels like everything that we did to each other since the start of this relationship is taking its toll that even the littlest things drives me crazy. Everything he does that annoy me, even for a bit, makes me remember things that he's done long ago that should have been already forgotten. I feel like he doesn't learn from his mistakes. I feel like I have to constantly watch over him, reprimand him if he does something wrong, push him to move, act, do something, console him when he's feeling down. Things that I need to.
I know that he supports me 100% but I can't feel it because I don't think he's strong enough to support me. There is no sense of security even though he reassures me that I'm going to be fine because it's just not believable coming from him. I don't mean security in the common sense of the word, but just the feeling of having a friend beside you when everything goes downhill. I know he's always beside me but he's more messed up than I am so... there.
I don't know how to deal with him anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising my own boyfriend. I know that in a relationship both have to take care of each other, both have to work on it, and both have to make way for each other. Now the question that I've had for quite some time now, does this mean that I'm not ready for a relationship? Because if I'm no longer willing to do the dirty work then it's unfair to my partner. Sometimes I just feel that I've been doing the dirty work for so long I've gotten tired of it.
Since last year, the only time I can say that we're really okay are the times when he was taking care of me. I don't want to be the kind of person who stays in a relationship for convenience. I don't want to stay spoiled. I wasn't even like this before, I was a complete control freak who wouldn't let anyone take care of me. My ex spoiled me too, and that ruined it for us. He created a monster out of me and I don't want that to happen again.
I will wait for him though. I will help him become a better person, stand beside him while he grows. I just hope he doesn't lose me in the process. I really can't say that he won't.
----
I need to get myself together.
13.10.12
In other news
I am more relaxed now. I no longer fidget in my sleep, dreaming about work. I no longer wake up in a state of panic, thinking about the tasks I need to get done for the day.
I've been relaxed for a week, a full week. AND IT FEELS GOOD.
I know I'd have to get back on the daily program soon enough
and I can't wait.
I've been relaxed for a week, a full week. AND IT FEELS GOOD.
I know I'd have to get back on the daily program soon enough
and I can't wait.
October: On Alpha Male Film Directors
August was so good to me I expected September to be the same. And it was pretty much okay. There were problems that made me want to go on a road rage and a mass killing spree but I managed through all of them. It was October that ruined it for me.
It was on October 2 (technically, October 3, at around 2 or 3 a.m.) when the director of the film I had been working on pushed me, as in LITERALLY PUSHED ME. He's a big, fat alpha male, in case you're wondering.
It sucked. It really did. I can't even-- I'd like to think that we had a good relationship. He wanted to teach me Production Design and though it has never been included in my plans, why pass up an opportunity to learn, right? I'd also like to think that he was content and, I can even say, impressed with how our team was working until blah blah blah blah internal issue with a co-worker blah blah I don't even want to start. The story's too long for this blog post and for your attention span.
So one shooting day, everyone was tired and exhausted for not getting enough sleep for weeks on end when communication between departments and key persons became unsystematic and confusing, which isn't really something that is new on this project. Fast forward past the shouting and running and blaming, I hurried down to the set and saw our director about to punch one of the talents. Around that time, most of the staff thought that the delay was my fault. So the director looked at my direction, pointing at me, shouting curses and yelling, and cursing, and yelling! I gave no response. I was just there, poker-faced and all. I didn't really care. I thought, Oh, he's just angry, he just needs to let it all out. He'll be alright. I was on that trail of though when he decided to ATTACK me, and PUSH me. He just pushed me, his right hand on my right shoulder, for about five steps forward while I just kept stepping back. Apparently not satisfied, with his left hand (still pushing me with his right), he took the Monobloc chair behind him and threw it next to me.
And that concludes my career in Costume Design and Production Design, stripping me of any chance of going to Berlinale. Thank you very much.
That's one goal in life I don't have to get confused about anymore. Less options, less dilemmas, less problems. I'd like to think positive and see this as a sign to just pursue my own projects instead of working for other people for theirs. Isn't that a good way of looking at it? Reality though, it still sucks.
It was on October 2 (technically, October 3, at around 2 or 3 a.m.) when the director of the film I had been working on pushed me, as in LITERALLY PUSHED ME. He's a big, fat alpha male, in case you're wondering.
It sucked. It really did. I can't even-- I'd like to think that we had a good relationship. He wanted to teach me Production Design and though it has never been included in my plans, why pass up an opportunity to learn, right? I'd also like to think that he was content and, I can even say, impressed with how our team was working until blah blah blah blah internal issue with a co-worker blah blah I don't even want to start. The story's too long for this blog post and for your attention span.
So one shooting day, everyone was tired and exhausted for not getting enough sleep for weeks on end when communication between departments and key persons became unsystematic and confusing, which isn't really something that is new on this project. Fast forward past the shouting and running and blaming, I hurried down to the set and saw our director about to punch one of the talents. Around that time, most of the staff thought that the delay was my fault. So the director looked at my direction, pointing at me, shouting curses and yelling, and cursing, and yelling! I gave no response. I was just there, poker-faced and all. I didn't really care. I thought, Oh, he's just angry, he just needs to let it all out. He'll be alright. I was on that trail of though when he decided to ATTACK me, and PUSH me. He just pushed me, his right hand on my right shoulder, for about five steps forward while I just kept stepping back. Apparently not satisfied, with his left hand (still pushing me with his right), he took the Monobloc chair behind him and threw it next to me.
And that concludes my career in Costume Design and Production Design, stripping me of any chance of going to Berlinale. Thank you very much.
That's one goal in life I don't have to get confused about anymore. Less options, less dilemmas, less problems. I'd like to think positive and see this as a sign to just pursue my own projects instead of working for other people for theirs. Isn't that a good way of looking at it? Reality though, it still sucks.
18.8.12
Dilemma 2012
It's that time of the year again! When I'm forced to choose between projects.
Either I do this major film (MMFF-major) or I put all my time and effort to my event or I apply for this pretty decent full-time job (which I'd actually like to have). Not to mention I have a planned Palawan trip with C.
ANG HIRAP. Why must this always happen? Can't projects distribute themselves throughout the year? Why does it all have to happen at the same time?
Either I do this major film (MMFF-major) or I put all my time and effort to my event or I apply for this pretty decent full-time job (which I'd actually like to have). Not to mention I have a planned Palawan trip with C.
ANG HIRAP. Why must this always happen? Can't projects distribute themselves throughout the year? Why does it all have to happen at the same time?
17.8.12
Fighting
I guess this is the universe cutting me some slack. I wanted to see Gym Class Heroes so (SOOOOOOO) bad.
As you know, I am currently starving and trying to be an artist so getting ahold of a ticket was beyond me that I resigned myself to the idea of spending the night of August 16th working my ass off. Still, one has to find ways. This is the first time I joined an online contest and ta-dah! I actually won something in my life! The show was-- I CAN'T EVEN.
I needed tonight so badly. I just wish it could have lasted longer.
And now back to the real world. A Manila without Gym Class Heroes. I'm grateful they sent out so much good vibes I think it will get me through all of these... things. Family hug what uppppppp.
Much love.
As you know, I am currently starving and trying to be an artist so getting ahold of a ticket was beyond me that I resigned myself to the idea of spending the night of August 16th working my ass off. Still, one has to find ways. This is the first time I joined an online contest and ta-dah! I actually won something in my life! The show was-- I CAN'T EVEN.
I needed tonight so badly. I just wish it could have lasted longer.
photo cred: @marcdejesus
And now back to the real world. A Manila without Gym Class Heroes. I'm grateful they sent out so much good vibes I think it will get me through all of these... things. Family hug what uppppppp.
Much love.
16.8.12
Darna
Friend: alam mo yung superwoman. understudy ka ba nya?Ayokong ako rin si Superman. Gusto ko rin ng partner. Or partners, gusto mo 'yon?
Me: Wonder Woman yata 'yun 'te.
Friend: ikaw na pareho mehn. superman pati!
15.8.12
Hello World Nakakapagod Ka Na
Pagod na pagod na ako. Lerdddddd. Haaay. Gusto kong ma-comfort. Gusto kong mayakap. Ang daming gawain. Gusto ko ng GVs kausap. Ayoko na ng kahit anong bagahe. Gusto ko ng fresh. Gusto ko ng smileys and good mornings. Ayoko na maging counselor sa lahat ng mga tao. Gusto ko ng movie buddy. Gusto ko ng ka-one bottle. Ayoko na ng constantly kinakabahan sa lahat ng mga bagay. Gusto ko ng steady. Gusto ko ng rabbit hole. AYOKO NAAAAAAAA.
4.8.12
This Is How You Get Down on a Friday
- We've finally found a location for the shoot on Sunday.
- I'll be plugging my event on TV soon.
- C bought us tickets to Palawan for Aug 27-31
There's a lot more I want to say and there are a lot of stories to tell but I'm just too tired. I just hope it remains this steady for the rest of the month.
PLEASE.
3.8.12
Hello World It's My Birthday Month
Today was full of surprises--a mishmash of things both good and bad.
Like the weather. The weather was awful! One moment it's sunny and the next it's raining hard with buhawi-like wind.
HEMINGWAY. The bus company whose bus and bus terminal we were trying to ask permission from for my friend's film turned us down. The shoot is on Sunday so... SOMEBODY CHECK MY STRESS LEVELS PLEASE.
I got compliments from one of my event sponsors today! He said that my proposal was done very well, with a lot of effort put in it. Wait, is that a compliment or is that another way of saying I went over the top? At least he was willing to sponsor a bulk of our shoot equipment. YES!
Then the main staff, there are four of us (YES, JUST FOUR OF US), went to meet; had dinner and a bottle. There were a lot of things to talk about. STRESS LEVELS AGAIN, SOMEONE CHECK PLEASE. But it felt good. It always feels good when you're starting to feel demoralized about your work then suddenly you realize that you're not alone in what you're doing, and you have people around you to go to for help. I'm a fan of collective action. LET'S GO, TEAM!
Then I waited for a bus under the cruel night sky... for a long time. I CURSE THE HEAVENS.
I got home. Bestfriend informed me of Piso Fare. Booked myself and C for a Puerto Princesa trip at the end of August. I don't know where I will scrounge for the 678.08 I need for the ticket. I just thought it would be a nice birthday gift for myself. Hell, I need a getaway, don't you agree? EXCUSE ME WHILE I ROB A SARI-SARI STORE.
C informed me that a director we recently worked with hasn't started on his next film yet. YES, OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT MYSELF AS THE NEXT BEST WARDROBE PERSON! But, I don't know, I really don't know. HAHAHAHAHA
I'm fukken sleepy. I have to wake up in four hours. AIN'T LIFE GRAND?
Like the weather. The weather was awful! One moment it's sunny and the next it's raining hard with buhawi-like wind.
HEMINGWAY. The bus company whose bus and bus terminal we were trying to ask permission from for my friend's film turned us down. The shoot is on Sunday so... SOMEBODY CHECK MY STRESS LEVELS PLEASE.
I got compliments from one of my event sponsors today! He said that my proposal was done very well, with a lot of effort put in it. Wait, is that a compliment or is that another way of saying I went over the top? At least he was willing to sponsor a bulk of our shoot equipment. YES!
Then the main staff, there are four of us (YES, JUST FOUR OF US), went to meet; had dinner and a bottle. There were a lot of things to talk about. STRESS LEVELS AGAIN, SOMEONE CHECK PLEASE. But it felt good. It always feels good when you're starting to feel demoralized about your work then suddenly you realize that you're not alone in what you're doing, and you have people around you to go to for help. I'm a fan of collective action. LET'S GO, TEAM!
Then I waited for a bus under the cruel night sky... for a long time. I CURSE THE HEAVENS.
I got home. Bestfriend informed me of Piso Fare. Booked myself and C for a Puerto Princesa trip at the end of August. I don't know where I will scrounge for the 678.08 I need for the ticket. I just thought it would be a nice birthday gift for myself. Hell, I need a getaway, don't you agree? EXCUSE ME WHILE I ROB A SARI-SARI STORE.
C informed me that a director we recently worked with hasn't started on his next film yet. YES, OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT MYSELF AS THE NEXT BEST WARDROBE PERSON! But, I don't know, I really don't know. HAHAHAHAHA
I'm fukken sleepy. I have to wake up in four hours. AIN'T LIFE GRAND?
2.8.12
Little Things
Well, it wasn't as productive as it should have been. I was supposed to do things for this thesis of my friend but laziness got ahead of me. Well, hello? It was freaking raining the whole day. Not to mention the buhawi-like wind.
So I just went with C to a film workshop where I met his friend. A just-another-aspiring-filmmaker. Okay, I'm mean.
After that, we watched The Animals at the university's film theater with friends. The movie wasn't good. It's okay technically, but the substance was lost in the midst of it all.
Oh and.
There was this one scene where Jake, having fun and lost in the moment, was dancing suggestively with a girl at a party that he's hosting. Then his girlfriend Trina saw them and got upset.
C said that Jake and the girl wasn't even doing anything malicious. I held my breath. Why would he think that? Why would he think that dancing with another girl (a stranger to his girlfriend) at a party is not considered malicious? Of course when I asked him later he said that he was just referring to the shot. That the shot was poorly made. That they could have made the act more obvious, or as I understand it, exaggerated.
"Exaggerated" because what they did in the shot was all the scene needed. Jake and the girl didn't need to make out. That would have been out of Jake's character. I don't understand. Did C judge the scene wrongly or does he just think that way? God, he really does think that there's nothing wrong with dancing with another girl?
These things. These little things.
God, what will I do?
So I just went with C to a film workshop where I met his friend. A just-another-aspiring-filmmaker. Okay, I'm mean.
After that, we watched The Animals at the university's film theater with friends. The movie wasn't good. It's okay technically, but the substance was lost in the midst of it all.
Oh and.
There was this one scene where Jake, having fun and lost in the moment, was dancing suggestively with a girl at a party that he's hosting. Then his girlfriend Trina saw them and got upset.
C said that Jake and the girl wasn't even doing anything malicious. I held my breath. Why would he think that? Why would he think that dancing with another girl (a stranger to his girlfriend) at a party is not considered malicious? Of course when I asked him later he said that he was just referring to the shot. That the shot was poorly made. That they could have made the act more obvious, or as I understand it, exaggerated.
"Exaggerated" because what they did in the shot was all the scene needed. Jake and the girl didn't need to make out. That would have been out of Jake's character. I don't understand. Did C judge the scene wrongly or does he just think that way? God, he really does think that there's nothing wrong with dancing with another girl?
These things. These little things.
God, what will I do?
28.7.12
Hanggang Kailan
Hindi ko alam kung may pagka-masokista ba ako, sadyang mabait lang, o isang malaking tanga. Sinasabi ng karelasyon ko palagi na hindi ko dapat iniintindi ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. Paano kung nakikita kong genuinely concerned lang talaga ang ibang tao? Hindi ba sila naman ang nakikita in a broader sense at mas objectively sa nangyayari sa buhay ko? Paano kung sinasabi nilang masyado na akong nahihirapan at na-ho-hold back, and at the same time 'yon din naman ang nararamdaman ko talaga? Makikinig pa rin ba ako sa karelasyon ko na mag-focus sa positive? Paano kung nahihirapan na talaga ako? 'Yung totoo talaga? Paano ko ipapaliwanag sa karelasyon ko? Paano ko sasabihing hindi sapat ang pag-ibig? Na hindi sapat ang paglalambingan, pagyayakapan, at paghaharutan para masabing masigla ang isang relasyon? Paano ko pilit ipapaliwanag ang mga bagay na hindi naman n'ya pinaniniwalaan? Paano pa ako magpapaliwanag kung paulit-ulit na ang mga paliwanag?
22.7.12
For Personal Use
Since I am a person who needs to write her thoughts down in order to make sense of things, I have to take a step back for a while and write this. It helps to pretend that I'm talking to someone.
I am currently line producing a friend's film thesis and we weren't able to produce enough money for the film for reasons irrelevant to this post and, therefore, I do not need to mention. Last week, I initiated to organize a fund-raising gig for the film and of course, being myself, I did it alone.
We are two weeks away from the first shooting day (August 5) and I still haven't found any individual/org/company that's willing to sponsor the band equipment for the event. Of course I can move the event to a bar, but that wouldn't solve a thing because I would still need to pay the bar. Or I can look for a venue that has band equipment but would be willing to let us use the place for free or with minimal "bar guarantee."
Option 1:
Push through with the event on August 2
Move the event to a bar w/ available band equipment
Look for a bar with minimal "bar guarantee"
Entrance fee of P150
Option 2:
Move the event until after the shoot
Proceed with original plan of an open area
Market drink sponsors, equipment sponsors, merchandise sponsors, etc.
Free entrance
(Downside: No cash produced for the shoot)
I can't think of any other options right now.
I don't know how to open this problem to the film's crew since everyone's busy with their own tasks. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
So far, I need to do the following things for this film:
-coordinate for location hunt
-contact this certain NGO for possibility of a tie-up
-contact SILIP
-contact MC
-look for catering sponsor
-look for transportation sponsor
-look for band equipment
-media partners
-follow up on solicitations
Okay, now that that's settled in my brain. I also need to market the other webseries project with another group.
-list of funding institutions with deadlines this month and the next
-compile requirements for grant requests
I'll deal with third project "later part in life."
Sorry, I just needed this written down. Sigh.
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