Pagpili

'Yan tayo, e. Lagi na lang na tayong mali ng pinipili. May pagkakataon na ako pinalampas ko pa. Bakit? Kasi pinili ko na naman 'yung luma. Akala ko mas safe. Ang tanga ko talaga. Ayoko na. Lagi na lang ang akong talo.

So ngayon tinatamad na naman akong mag-aral. Buset.

Turn of events

So I might be enrolling this semester. (I need to learn to write again, else I'm in for a deep shit.)

I'm not sure why I'm going back to school. It was an impulsive decision, I admit, and I'm sure it isn't going to be a fun ride.

Wala na naman akong gana sa lahat. Wala na yung Rosspiration ko. Bleagh. Nevermind, I'm find with that. I want my drinking buddy.

Level 54: Restraint

I think I reached a new level of maturity there, when I quit F's prod. Maybe I am starting to learn to avoid unnecessary stressors in my life. It was a project I would have really loved doing. Circumstances seemed to have permit it, the universe and all its star stuff seemed to have agreed on it. But I had grown wise enough to have surpassed something so powerful. I feel like Eugene in Ghost Fighter in his stronger-with-long-black-hair-but-wait-there's-more-it-turns-white mode. I am, proud of myself and at the same time, I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I would like to be able to tell him one day why I quit but I will have to find the words for it first. He has such great potential and this world needs him. He is destined for greatness and I don't want to be the one to cause him to stumble when he's almost there. So let him live the steady, because no matter how on-the-edge I believe one should live, steady is still good. I'm sure there's another timeline for us is what I'm saying.

(I need to learn to be patient again with writing. Including editing.)

I'm approaching my Day 100 in a week and boy, am I proud and not giving a fuck. Of course the thought ot betrayal and not being good enough still hurts a bit and I am still attracted to him sexually. But using all the strength I could muster, I have given up on the thought of anything romantic happening. It is true that you eventually go numb, or almost. I would like to still be friends with him, we enjoyed each other's company, after all. But please, no introductions to the new girlfriend yet. My current self-esteem is too low for that. I am confident that I am not going to relapse that I might just delete our convos right after this blog post.

And B? I miss talking with him and exchanging normal thoughts with him. Thoughts and ideas and stories I could only share with a few people and know that they, at least, get it. (Someone getting it is really a prize, understanding it is just a bonus). There came a point when I thought I have gotten over my romantic feelings for him and I could only see my relationship with him thereafter to be strictly platonic.  I was proven wrong when I saw him again just a few weeks ago. I haven't seen him since the week after his thesis defense and I don't remember to have spent ample time talking to him. We haven't talked much virtually after that so I hadn't really been thinking about him but when I saw him, bam, he still has hold on me. He is still my ideal.

I don't feel like dating or seeing other guys. I only want those that I'm already familiar with. But maybe there just aren't any great men coming my way these days. The great men, you can never find them--like Night Furies--you'll just have to be perseverant, and patient that one day, you'll catch them. The three above? They were too great for my own good.

you were with me for a while
stroking my days

Interlude

Now that I have the time, I'm not sure what to do. I miss living in in-betweens. I'm a little bummed that our press con will not be pushing through tomorrow due to typhoon Glenda and I'm more disappointed than I should be that I didn't get to hang out with B. I just miss the guy is all. It must be the weather. I miss the things that I had been doing around this time last year.

I am not really asking for much in my life. Just a few good friends and the opportunity to create.

Why am I doing production work? What does it have to do with who I want to be as a human being and how I want to live my life?

Am I hoping to learn anything from all this stuff I've been spending my time on? It's the only learning environment I get to have because I have stopped going to school a long time ago. Has my time and effort been worth it? What's the end goal? Where do I draw the line?

I wish I have the resources to learn new things. I'd love to learn how to dance. And write. And bake. And spend more time with crafts.

I know this post is icky and I would die if anybody gets to read all this ranting and it makes me think of myself less but I just have to get my thoughts in writing because there is nothing better to do.

See? Nothing better to do. Hay.

Last Stretch

Last stretch na 'to, kaya ko 'to! Konting puyat lang 'yan! Push lang!

chos

Okay, ang chaka ko pala talaga magsulat dati.

Kahit gusto kong magsulat ngayon masyado na akong inaantok at maaga pa ako bukas. Pero at least, di ba, ineffort ko na mag-type ng kahit ano.

Aksaya space.

I wish I can still write like I used to. And I wish I can write anywhere I want to. And anytime I want to. I am so consumed with this little world that I have forgotten what it's like to create. But that's what I really want to do though.

Gahd I'm sleepy. Please don't hate me.

And here comes the crash. Ang tinding relapse sa buhay. Hindi lang sa lovelife, as in sa buhay.

Kailangan ko na nga talaga ng bagong environment. Hindi na nag-wo-work 'to. Good call 'yung pag-quit ko kay F. Kailangan ko na sa mundong 'yon/'to.

I need something worthwhile to do. Ang mahirap, I've never felt that in anything other than activism. Activism was the only thing that made me feel whole. But I can't, I have to earn money at least.

So maybe I do need to study again. Maybe it doesn't have to be UP. Or maybe it doesn't have to be college. Just study something.

It is difficult to dream when I can't envision the future. I have no will for anything. I just know that I have to take care of the now. It isn't really bad thing, it's just that the now really sucks.

I have to go eat lunch now.

Tanginangbreaknasanka

Nasasaktan pa rin ako pero tanggap ko na. Does that make sense?

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kapag nasaktan ka raw, most likely i-i-inflict mo rin 'yung pain na 'yun sa iba. Feeling ko nga. Feeling ko kailangan ko munang mamanhid pagkatapos nito.

Hindi ko nga gets kung bakit ba biglang ang big deal ng pagkakaroon ng someone sa buhay ko e. Nabubuhay naman ako dati nang ako lang. Walang pakialam kung may lovelife o wala. Ang takot ko ngayon pati ba naman self-affirmation hahanapin ko na rin sa iba? 'Wag ganon.

Kailangan ko ng mga bagong hobbies, o di kaya bumalik sa mga dating hobbies. Kailangan ko rin yatang dalasan ang pag-uwi sa mga magulang ko. Kailangan ko rin ng bagong mundo.

Ang hirap din ng maraming pinoproblema ha, sa totoo lang.

Feeling ko maximum ko na yung six months sa isang sirkulo. Ang dali ko kasing masaktan at ang tagal mag-move on.

Kailangan ko ngang mag-excel sa isang bagay. Pero bakit wala akong motivation? Actually gusto kong matutong sumayaw. Matagal ko nang frustration 'yon. Pwede naman 'di ba? Ay pora. Haaaay. Trabaho na naman bukas.

Malapit na namana kong ma-deps.

Pota.

Shit, man

What do you know, it's Day 80! I can't express how proud I am with myself. This is awesome! And now maybe I am on that road to acceptance. The last 20 days and I'm still on track. Great job!

I should go to bed now. I wouldn't want to crash tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm Not Bitter

I guess it's time that I admit to myself that I loved you. I fell deeply in love with you. I fell in love with you on the night of December 18, 2013. The night I saw you in a different light.

I admit that I was really hurt. It was you fault, of course. But tonight I understand. It is a different world, yours. One that I can never be a part of. While she, perfectly fits in it. It is a world that I would never truly understand even if I say that I do.

Tonight, I am genuinely happy for you. You are a great guy and I do not want you wasting your time on me anymore. Same way that I can no longer waste mine with you.

And this applies to the other guy too.

Nothing but happiness to the three of us!

Shit

Death seems to be the easiest yet still difficult way out. I am left alone now, both literally and figuratively. With only P70 and things to buy for a shoot I've already committed to.

I am shit.

I don't really wish to disappear. I just want things to stop moving for a while, just so I can breathe.

I don't want to ask C for help anymore. He's already done enough and I haven't really given him anything in return.

I want to hurt myself.

Plain

I miss you. Or the idea of you. I miss you/it so much it's gnawing my insides.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit putangina ang sakit. Ang sakit-sakit.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin.

It might have been just one shallow thing, but it still crushed whatever self-esteem I may have left.

I'd really like to say that I'm pretty enough or that I'm talented or even just good at something, at least. But I'm not. I was born average and forever will be.

“We are rarely proud when we are alone.” ― Voltaire

Right now I feel like watching something. Because I am yearning to feel. Anything. I don't know what happened last night. I was cold. Because I was proud. I didn't want him to see my knees getting weak when he's around. I held back my words because I didn't want him to hear me stutter

And now, all my I-should-haves are stuck between me and my will to move. I already miss him.

Existentialismo

Today, when I got off the MRT, I felt a sudden sinking feeling. Why was I there? Why am I here? I looked around me and none of it made sense. But you know what it was beautiful. So yeah, I had never really dreamt of having a boring desk job while raising a family too early in my life and I never really got around to figuring out what I really want to do, but I do know that there is the need to do something for this world. Like an offer or a service or an ode. I looked around me and saw city sky scrapers, bustling cars, softened by a filter of gray from the cloudy weather, and I thought about what I wanted to do right there and then. I wanted to write about it or take a picture of it. Just something. There is no point of having all these if we can't create something out of whatever this is. 

So there, which is probably I appear to be a bit peculiar, which is also probably why I will never meet a decent man that I would want to have seven children with. I'm a dork.

Leave Me Alone

Right now what I really want is some peace and quiet. But my ex is playing the ukulele and keeps talking bullshit with my roommate.I wish I have some good heaphones. Now that's another thing I need to add in my long list of things to buy. Like I'm not poor enough already.

God. Really.

I'm in that mood. When I just want to do things I want to do by myself. Distrub me and I will wage a war.

Of course I can't really do that. 'Cause I"m a cultured, functioning member of society.

And really, I just want to listen to my music, But they conveniently decide to watch a fucking movie. A fucking loud movie.

Imma go smoke some weed.

Weather-Weather Things

And here we go again. This feeling of wanting to do a lot of things. The urge to dream.

Really, I believe that there are a lot of things that I can do. But not things that are good enough creatively. I'm sure I can get rich if I wanted to. Get a desk job at a big corporation, work my way up, the works. But do I want to do that? No. I like doing things that challenge me. Things I'm not good at. Things I know I can do without investing capital. Which is why I can't really do photography as much as I want to, I don't have money for a camera. Who knows though, maybe I'll do that someday.

I'm going to start saving up, maybe. It's hard to do that with a lot of side projects though. I don't really believe in saving up, is the problem. I believe in doing things in the now, for the now. I don't see the point of doing things for something that isn't here yet or anymore. I'm not sure if this is the right perspective. It probably isn't. But it's getting me by. And that's the plan, just to get on with things. Not go crazy and try my best not to kill myself, most importantly.

I wish I have more time though. I wish I have enough time for both work and thoughts. But it's always one or the other. I have to give up thinking when I have to work and I have to give up work to give some time to thoughts. Like right now. I just have to find a better balance, is all. Sometimes I just feel physically exhausted to even think so I just resort to sleeping or hanging out with friends.

Which is why this onset of the rainy weather is a bit helpful. It triggered feelings I haven't had in a while. I know I shouldn't be enabling this mood but oh well, I've always been hard-headed.

Breathe

Kasi tangina mo, i-reto mo mukha mo. Gaano ka-kupal ang isang tao para sabihin 'yon, 'di ba? I. Cannot. Imagine. But it happened. It did. Fuck you. I deserve better. You're shit.

Summerchild

It's Day 38. Or 37.

It's not his fault. I did this to myself. I was the one who kissed him and pulled him downstairs. None of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so manic.

But that's me. I fall in love with the first person who likes me. He was so nice and I bet he still is in some ways but just not to me. Because he realized he never really liked me in that way. It was just a spur of the moment hypersexuality thing. He caught me at the wrong time though. I was ready. I wanted someone.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you through that.

But you shouldn't had been an asshole too.

Now I guess I'm back with games.

-------

She's nicer. The girl next door. Can't say prettier, but takes care of herself more. She's a dream girl. I've always thought that she was a rebound. That you just wanted someone to play with after we were done. But now I realize that I am the rebound. The second choice. The booty call.

I shouldn't have stalked her social media. This is what happens.

Forget about her, she is not important in the equation.

Although it makes it easier for me to move on when I think about him having someone else.

Obviously I'm conflicted.

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And you. There are no more sparks. I wish I could still look at you and feel the same awkwardness, because that would mean there's still something there. But we're like old friends now. I think I love you more now and still care about you, but we know we cannot happen. Not in this timeline. How perfect that would be though. Just thinking of the things we can do together makes me happy. But nope, not in this timeline.

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And you. I'll forever enjoy that little youthful tension I feel whenever I'm around you. Yours were there the first pair of eyes I got lost in.

-------

No, I am not available for dating until further notice.

Day 6: Lumaklak ka ng realidad

I might be going crazy. I've been thinking about him 24/7 since. I am tempted to look at his profile page but scared of what I might find. Because I am still in denial. I refuse to accept that he has already moved on.

I want to text him but I fear rejection. I've been left behind too many times in this lifetime that I feel like one more rejection will send me to the asylum.

If he does reply to my text though, I wouldn't know what to feel. I don't think I'd be happy either. I just want to move on and focus on myself. I have nothing to offer him.