Just wrote an awfully long letter. Now I don't have the mental capacity to blog. Pfft.

I am in a state of calm so scary. A state of mind so unlike me. I am null, I am void, I am none. I tip-toe through space-time, so lightly. No gravity, no matter.

No matter.

First of all

I feel bad that I didn't handle this as I should have. I have totally neglected my day job because of other projects I had. I am so disappointed with myself it's depressing.

Things are not miserable. The past week has been productive. But on account of something else. If this were any other job I wouldn't have given a single fuck. But boy, have I changed, I'm enjoying my job and I have no intentions of losing it.

I can't believe I'm talking about my day job when there are so many other things going on.

Still, I am not losing this one.

gfdg54y45hgfrh4

I don't know what to feel.

Now, that first sentence was easy to write. The rest wouldn't be. There's a hole in my heart. Cliche, it is. Fine. Cliches would describe this well. But they wouldn't be enough. Because there are specifics. Specifics like you driving your motorcycle in the middle of the night to that gas station just to talk. Now that's not cliche, but that's formulaic, but formulas makes it easier to deconstruct things. Things like a great friendship going on for a few months then self-destructing. Almost like a summer love. But it wasn't. Because there were actual emotions involved. This is real life. It wasn't as easy to let go. Things don't have closure. You would never tell me what happened. Nor would I ask why.

But I dreamed of you last night. I don't know where you are right now or what you are doing. We haven't talked in, exaggeratedly, eons. (Another cliche.) But I dreamed of you. That's the closest to reality that I can get to you. I didn't will it but my subconscious found a way to let you in. I don't know what to feel.

I think I feel hurt and betrayed. I wish I could tell you this. You have debunked not only the general view of things but also my personal belief of goodness in humankind. You were an asshole, in the simplest of terms. Cliched and formulaic, both. But you are not stereotypical. I wanted to prove this but you made it difficult with your actions. So I guess you were, after all, cliched, formulaic, stereotypical. Asshole.

Midst of it all

a quick word
on things that never get done
never run out
making up everything and nothing

Carrie Mathison

Hello. So...

C and I talked last night (technically yesterday morning) about us, what happened, life in general. We were completely honest to each other. The gist is, we're okay for now.

Now I'm the one having problems with myself.

I've been watching too much Homeland. I've finished already finished Season 2, which on my normal working phase, an episode wouldn't even have a chance getting into my schedule. But since I feel like shit, I allowed myself to make that lapse.

This is my pattern. When something big and unexpected happens, I get lost. One friend used to liken me to an ant. That when you put something in an ant's way, it wouldn't know what to do. It doesn't realize that it can just work its way around it and then it will be able to continue its original path. I'm not saying that I am like that. I wouldn't like to think so. I prefer to think that I have a choice. I wasn't wired to be that way and that a pattern can be broken. I'm not an ant.

My pattern:

Something bad or big or emotional happens.

I get all worked up.

I get a momentary feeling of panic but

I work, I do something, whether I fix it or I do other things so long as it allows me to move.

After that I crash.

I get tired,

depressed.

I think about what happened. About my faults, weaknesses, limitations. I feel helpless.

At this stage, I know that I'm screwed.

After something that's happened in college many years ago, I applied for work and focused on that. Did nothing but work, made friends in the office, and stayed with my boyfriend the rest of the time. After a month, come enrollment time, I didn't enroll. It was only then that I had a time to stop and think about what happened and decided that I wasn't ready to face it.

When C and I broke up, I went haywire. I was always intoxicated or partying or just being a bitch or an asshole. But after that intense phase, it all went downhill again.

Happened also when I quit from that last film I worked on. That's my pattern. 

And I am at that last stage right now. It has been a week. I spent the whole of last week working. Now I can't work. I can't do anything. I just want to sulk. I feel guilty that we--I have hurt another human being in a way I never thought I could. Never. In any lifetime. I hate patriarchy and everything that comes with it, so naturally, I am not a violent person. I never thought it possible for me to become even close to harassing someone. But I did. I shouted at the taxi driver. Because I thought he was wrong. That was all. I thought I was wrong and he hurt my friends. I'm sure I said a lot of mean things I couldn't remember after. That is what's scary, I don't remember a lot of what I said. I just remember myself wanting him to suffer, because he was a bad person in my mind.

I know that it was the alcohol. But I've never been like that even in my most intoxicated state. So that's what's eating me up. What have I turned into? Am I now like them? Am I now like C and his friends? His friends who in a lot of ways have become my friends too, I hang out with them, but I have always promised myself not to be like them. So now I am consciously telling myself, I don't want to be like that. I need to take a second look and check the culture I'm living in, with, and by. I was a good person and I intend to be that way. I am questioning my own character and I don't want to. I want to believe that I am good. But am I? I know that I was. But am I still?

I want a break. But I can't have it. I need myself not to have it. There is not going to be a break this time. I have to get out of that pattern and stop making excuses about being human and being a subjective being. That excuse is for those who can afford it. For those who can afford getting checked just because they're having a "pattern" and can afford to buy meds to get out of their shit. I believe that I can will this.

---------

Extra rant.

Carrie Mathison has a bipolar disorder, which somehow makes me relate to her a bit. I am not bipolar. But I can imagine being in her shoes, how difficult it might be for someone with the same disorder. I understand that we're talking about a fictional character here but we all have our avenues of release, right? And mine just happened to be Homeland at this very moment. So we relate ourselves to whatever we're watching or listening to at a particular emotional, economical, personal, whatever-else phase. I'm feel lucky that I don't have what Carrie has. But still, she has the means to live with a sickness like that. 

Imagine a farmer or a factory worker, in the Philippines, getting the same sickness. What I'm saying is, these sicknesses are of the bourgeois. Meaning,fine, let's just say a farmer is born with clinical depression (though I have never met one), they are able to live with it. Because they don't have a choice. They don't have room for depression. They have bigger things to take care of. And this is exactly how I felt when I was still a student activist. It was a difficult role to have but I really didn't give a shit about my emotions. I would talk about them to comrades and it was very easy, because I was very comfortable with them, and they understood. We were on the same wavelength, same culture, hence same language.

I went my back to my old pattern when that college incident happened. After that, never again did I have long, straight months of unperturbed, focused, and stable well-being. And I came back worse. I was terrible. My boyfriend then had to suffer for it. I think he handled it very well up to the point that he want me to be happy so badly that I had too much freedom.

Anyway. I need to find my balance. I need to be productive but not bury myself with work. I'm trying to find a will to do that. I don't know how.

I got arrested.

But I don't want this post to be about that. Yes, I spent about 16 hours of last Sunday in a police station. I tell people that it was just a Saturday night gone bad. It truthfully was, but it's not as simple as it sounds.
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Almost an hour later.

I realized I'm not even ready to write about it now. It's too sad. I'm not worried for me--well, okay, a  little, but I'm really worried for C. I don't even know what he's thinking about these days. The last time that we talked about the incident he sounded like he's blaming the other three that we were with that night, who were also arrested that night. It even sounded like he was saying that it was just the two of us who were in the right minds, who didn't actually want to hurt the taxi driver. I know for sure that both of us were equally at fault as the other three. But I guess I expected him to realize his faults for himself. I mean, I thought it was obvious. We were there, it's not like we stopped what was happening. But no, he thinks that somehow his actions were excusable, at least compared to what the others did. So I guess I'm disappointed. I'm not sure if I can live with this kind of attitude for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that he's a bad person. Because he is not, he is a good guy. I think I have just always wanted better. Arrogance and all, I do feel that I deserve better. Not just for my own sanity, but for my partner's too. Because it's not just about the attitude, it's about how different we both grew up. I'm not even talking about childhood-to-puberty stuff, but how he spent his youth and with what types of people, and how I spent mine with a totally different group of people, who I honestly believe are better persons.

I was so wired after what happened that I buried myself with work. I felt okay and content. But during times that my mind isn't pre-occupied about the tasks I have to finish, I remember C. I remember that I really love him. But no relationship has succeeded on love alone. I feel like if this relationship continues like the way it is now for another year I will go crazy. It takes so much energy to guide someone. It sucks out so much energy from you that it's too late when you realize that it has stunt your growth. I realized this only two years ago which led to me breaking up with him. But I didn't handle myself well after that. I didn't become productive. I was too miserable I self-destructed. But I found myself back on track. I takes a while but I do it--work hard for it. Mid-last year, I started to see things that I want to happen for myself, and I felt our relationship to be something that held me back. I wanted to break up with him again but he wouldn't allow it. So here we are, months after. We still got nothing else but love to keep us going.

What happened that day wasn't a big crime, but I can't explain the impact it did to my life. Not the incident itself, but what came after. I did have realizations about myself but honestly, I'm not even thinking about doing a major overhaul on my life. I'm still doing and will keep doing what I've been doing before it happened, more or less. I am more concerned on C's life. Will he change? Will he be able to catch up? How long will I be able to wait? These realizations didn't even happen directly because of the incident. I've been having these thoughts for a while. But I think what happened was so big of a shock that I was forced to step back and look at my life in a bigger picture, and this relationship seems to be the big chunk of the puzzle that I can't solve.

6:54 AM

always searching for something
never quite learning
it's a new day and hey
he's still coming like he never went
away

here's everything
but won't keep him sitting still
never satisfied until something's epic
but boy, don't you see?

here's me

things get confusing in the morning
while I'm sleeping he's prepping
he's going away, oh stay
he's still going and I'm left alone
today

here's everything
but won't keep him sitting still
never satisfied until something's epic
but boy, don't you see?

here's me

always feeling like the world is leaving
never thinking, always taking
he's on his way but hey
he's chasing nothing
all day

here's something
I won't be sitting still
you're never satisfied, nothing's epic
so I'm making you see--
---
feeling lyrics

Resolutions 2013

C and I had a long talk last night. We've come to understand a lot of things about us. So we're okay, for now.

----

I've always believed that if you wanted to change something about yourself, you should do it anytime you need to, which renders New Year's resolutions worthless. But here I am, writing down my resolutions for the first time since grade school when we were forced to write them down by every teacher every year. So here's mine, and whether I live up to them or not, a list wouldn't hurt. So this is for my 2013 self, to remind her that she's awesome and is destined for greatness.

• Eat healthy and be physically fit.  Try to, at least. Avoid fast foods, learn to cook. Make a "healthy list" before going to the grocery so that even if you buy all those junk, you'll be sure to get the good stuff too. Drink more water. Get more involved in physical activities. Kinect everyday. Will try yoga.
• Manage time wisely. Get it done. Try to do as much work everyday but remember that you can't do everything. Sress is bad for your brain. Do more collabs. Work with people. Set some time aside for art. Create your own material.
• Read more and write more. Get some good eyeglasses and don't lose them! Read a lot. And then some more. Write everyday. Create a new blog, share stuff. Pen and paper are your weapons, always carry them with you. Write those ideas. Write those poems, that screenplay, that short story.
• Be curious. Enroll in a class. Never stop learning. There's power in knowing. Goal is to enroll in uni the next semester. Things to study on the side: Astronomy, Geography (or basic directions, at least!), Culinary, Health Awareness, Cinematography, Non-Linear Editing.
• Rent an apartment by March. Keep it neat and tidy. Initially, get a stable internet connection, a bed, and a desk. Before the year ends, own a refrigerator, washing machine, and an oven. Invite people over regularly.
• Invest in the following gadgets only: a decent phone to be used mainly for work/business and a good camera to document stuff.
• Make beautiful things. Practice DIY and crafts. Sew more. Give them away as gifts.
• Stay resourceful. :)
• Stop being such a B. I don't know how exactly, but you'll get there. Remain kind to others. Sometimes you may feel tempted to attack someone because they're not being nice--don't. Remember that everyone's having their own, personal State of Emergency everyday. Lend a hand to friends, it will pay back. Be careful about what comes out of your mouth. Try to be at peace with yourself, avoid saying hurtful words to and about anyone. Be pleasing.
• Look in the mirror more often. Take care of yourself. Buy basic clothes. Pay attention to your hair. It is important to maintain good skin. Wear sunscreen (PLEASE). Again, drink more water.
• Visit your dentist every month! Get those braces removed ASAP! I cannot stress this more.
• Be more involved in your society. You may rarely march the streets or vandalize buildings nowadays, but the problems have not changed since the time you did. If you can't afford to do full-time activism work, get involved culturally at least.

This list makes me want to do a happy dance.

Isang Mabilis na Rant hinggil sa Pakikipagrelasyon

Minsan ayaw ko na lang mag-isip. Gusto ko na lang humawla, putulin ang contact, magpalit ng number, kung pwede lang, e, lumipat ng bahay. Masyado akong mahina para sa ganitong klase ng feelings. Di ko kaya yung constantly caring at incessantly worrying na moda sa buhay. Kaso bawal gumive up any-any kasi kupal daw ang tawag doon.

Pupunta s'ya sa ganito, pupunta sa ganyan, kasama si ganito, kasama si ganyan. E kung matino ba naman 'yung karelasyon mo simula't sapul, e, wala naman talagang problema pero kung pangit ang track record medyo expecting ka ng matindi-tinding pag-re-redeem. At doon pumapasok ang problema. Expectations lead to disappointment. Cliche pero logical.

E 'di 'wag kang mag-expect, 'di ba? 'Yun nga ang sinusubukan kong i-master pero for some reason nag-li-lead lang ako into thinking na, para ba talaga sa 'kin 'to? Minsan kasi naniniwala talaga ako sa utak ko na I deserve something/someone else. Masakit lang din talagang makipaghiwalay. As in literal na masakit sa pagkatao, physiologically. So hindi puso ang may sala, itong utak natin na hard-wired na makaramdam ng sakit kapag may nawawala sa 'tin at/o na-re-reject tayo.

Madalas akong magalit, tapos iisipin kong ayoko na talaga. Sawa na 'ko. Ayoko ng ganitong buhay-pakikipagrelasyon. Gusto ko ng smooth-flowing, hindi sa fairytale-ish pero 'yung alam mo lang sa sarili mo na tama 'yon, 'yung hindi mo kinokontrata 'yung sarili mo. Sarili mo as in personality, upbringing, values. 'Yung hindi mo kailangang, tangina, piliting paniwalain 'yung sarili mo na, okay lang ang lahat, masaya naman kayo, 'di matindi 'yang problema n'yo, lahat dumadaan d'yan, worth it naman 'yan kasi mahal ka n'ya, at higit sa lahat, e ano naman kung ganyan s'ya, at least hindi s'ya nambababae? Ayun na. Don't get me wrong, ano. Masaya ako at naging faithful s'ya, at least physically, sa 'kin, pero why am I supposed to be thankful? 'Di ba dapat given na 'yon?

Mabalik tayo sa pagkontra-kontra sa sarili. Hindi kasi talaga kami magkaintindihan at kahit anong gawin namin, hindi talaga kami magkakaintindihan. Una, dahil lalaki s'ya. Kahit anong sabihin ng kahit na sino, hindi n'ya naranasang matakot na mapagsamantalahan ng taong significantly mas malakas sa kanya, na by the way, hindi lang namin isa, dalawa, tatlo, isangdaang beses naranasang mga babae sa buhay namin. Unless naranasan na ng lalaking ito na magtagal sa kulungan na tamang 'yung mayor/lider ng selda nila, e, trip s'ya. Bukod pa doon, s'ya 'yung tipo ng lalaking na sa paghanap ng partner ang unang tinitignan ng tao ay physical appearance. Kamusta naman ang pressure noon 'di ba? Babae na nga ko't 99% ng objectified, commodified, at standardized na mga bagay sa mundo e nag-co-consist ng kababaihan, patungkol sa kababaihan, parte ng katawan ng kababaihan, at kung anu-ano pang may kinalaman sa kababaihan, tapos eto, eto ang pressure. Napapaligiran s'ya ng magagandang taong alam kong hindi ko kayang pantayan physically at alam ko ring ang tanging pumipigil sa kanyang kumantot ng iba, e, alam n'yang mawawala ako, pero in his mind, it has been done so many times. At dito pumapasok 'yung "at least hindi s'ya nambababae" comments ng mga tao na i-ne-expect yata ng lahat na maging thankful ako.

Pangalawa, magkaiba ang lifestyle at upbringing sa 'min. Wala ako masyadong values pero 'pag tinabi mo 'yung buhay ko sa kanya parang ang dami ko no'n. Dati nung medyo bago-bago pa lang kami sinasabihan n'ya akong masyadong uptight, so 'yun na nga, magkaiba talaga kami. Hindi talaga ako lumaking manginginom at mabarkada. Feeling ko okay naman kasi ako, e, choice kong 'wag masyadong maging maligaya sa buhay. Marami naman na 'kong nasubukan at saksi ang blog na ito (at iba ko pang blogs) dyan pero hindi ako kasing wild ng mga naisusulat ko. Hindi ko lang kasi naitatala 'yung mga araw na sober ako. Ha, ha. Halimbawa ng pagkakaiba namin, eto, hindi ganon ka-literal pero it kind of explains the point, s'ya ay isang musikerong gustong mag-travel, mag-beach, mag-trip sa Amsterdam, ako ay isang talentless na taga-syudad na ayaw umalis ng syudad, gustong magkaanak, mamuhay, tumanda at mamatay sa syudad, the end. Dissimilar interests and life habits? Malaking problema. Pinapa-imagine ko sa kanya minsan na what if ako 'yung musikero na gusto lang mag-wander, hindi nagmamadali sa buhay, lumalabas para uminom with friends nang wala s'ya, what would he feel? Well, hindi n'ya raw ma-imagine. Kamot ulo na lang ako.

Pangatlo, sinasaktan namin ang isa't isa. Masakit kami magsalita kapag galit kami. Nahihila n'ya 'ko, pinipilit, hinahawakan nang mahigpit. Nasapak ko na s'ya, nabato, at nasipa. Tinutulak ko s'ya kapag ayoko s'yang lumapit o tinatanggal ang kamay n'ya kapag galit ako at ayaw magpaamo. Kapag ginagawa ko 'yon lalo lang s'yang lalapit, aasarin ako, hahawakan ng mahigpit, o mag-me-make face. Nagsasagutan kami sa publiko. Nagagalit s'ya kapag umiiyak ako, over daw, ang sensitive ko naman daw. Kapag naman galit s'ya pero wala s'yang nakukuhang reaksyon mula sa 'kin, pino-provoke n'ya 'ko nang i-po-porovoke hanggang sa magalit na ako, tapos doon na babaliktad ang sitwasyon, ako na bigla ang "OA."

Pang-apat, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pero pangit ang relasyon namin sa mga kaibigan ng isa't isa. Okay lang naman ako sa mga kaibigan n'ya pero isa kasi silang malaking factor kung bakit ang bagal n'yang tumanda at hanggang ngayon, e, living like he's 21 pa rin. Tapos sa isang mayabang na lebel naman, minsan tamad lang akong makihalubilo kasi hindi ko sila ma-gets, kasi hindi lang talaga ako ganon, at minsan hindi ko ma-take 'yung yabang nila sa mga buhay nila. Hindi rin ako sumasama sa mga family gatherings nila, same reason. Kilala n'ya halos lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, ang problema naman, e, may mga kaibigan akong nasira ang relasyon ko sa kanila dahil sa kanya. Mahabang kwento. Okay naman ang pamilya ko sa kanya, pero dahil pamilya ko sila pine-pressure lang talaga nila 'ko kasi they're expecting something more from me. Kumbaga, sige, fine, hindi nila kekwestyunin 'yung jowa ko dahil pinili ko na 'yon, pero from time to time, hihirit sila o magtatanong kung ano na bang nangyayari sa buhay ng karelasyon ko. Minsan hihirit ng mabilis ng kung ano bang nakita ko o somewhere along the lines of "you deserve better."

Panglima, paulit-ulit mga problema namin, paiba-iba lang ng version.

Pang-anim, magkaiba talaga kami. Oo, inulit ko lang 'yung pangalawa to emphasize kung gaano ito kahalaga. Oo, naghahanap s'ya ng trabaho, sinasabi n'yang gusto n'yang magkapamilya kasama ako. Well, I'm sure. Pero not in the near future dahil hindi pa s'ya handa magkapamilya, hindi lang financially. Marami pa s'yang gustong gawin at na-se-stress ako na para bang pinapalabas n'yang binabago n'ya ang buhay n'ya para sa 'kin. Sa totoo lang may part sa 'kin na nagagalit dahil parang utang na loob ko pang nagbabago s'ya na parang, "Shut the fuck up, 'wag ka nang puro reklamo, eto na nga, e, ginagawa na 'yung gusto mo, ano pa ba? Pati ba naman 'yung paglabas-labas papakialaman mo pa? Minsan lang naman e." (Syempre 'di n'ya talaga sinabi 'to, it's just how I feel.) Hindi kasi nag-ca-cancel out 'yon. Magkaiba silang issue. Hindi dahil ginagawa 'yung isang bagay, e, that makes it okay na gawin 'yung isa pa dahil lang you've been good sa kabilang aspeto.

Ayoko lang din talagang pinipilit ang mga bagay, meron ngang working things out, pero mararamdaman mo rin kapag masyado nang pilit at hindi na natural para sa inyo pareho. He goes out of his way para lang sa 'kin, pagdating sa pagsundo sa trabaho, pag-aalaga, pagtawag, at kung anu-ano pang boyfriend ka-cheesy-han, at mukhang willing naman s'yang gawin 'yon, pero iba 'yung babaguhin n'ya 'yung life n'ya dahil lang sa 'kin. Gets ko kung gaano kahirap dahil ako man hindi ko kayong baguhin 'yung "values" ko para sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang, sige, manood ka ng porn mo, bumili ka ng men's magazines mo, inom kayo ng friends mo, mag-drugs ka lang dyan, sige, punta ka dagat all you want. Gusto kong ibigay pero hindi talaga ako 'yon and I think he deserves someone who he can be genuinely happy with, na susuportahan s'ya sa mga trip n'ya, hindi mag-ro-roll ng eyes kapag nag-share n'ya 'yung mga plano n'ya or mas okay, hindi n'ya na kakailanganing mag-share ng mga plano n'ya, tamang it will just come naturally. 'yung taong tatawa kapag kinwento n'ya 'yung night out n'ya, 'yung hindi s'ya sasabihang mataba at ipagluluto pa s'ya, 'yung uuwi sa Puerto Princesa kasama n'ya, pupunta sa family gatherings, at makikihalubilo sa mga kaibigan n'ya, ipagsusulat s'ya ng tula, bibigyan s'ya ng masahe kapag pagod s'ya, papanoorin gigs nila ng banda n'ya, magpaplano ng future kasama s'ya. Dati masasabi ko pang ganito ako or at least kaya kong gawin ang mga 'to para sa kanya, pero wala, e, hindi ko na maalala kun kailan tumigil 'yung feeling na 'yon.

I can never be that person again, and the thought hurts me. Dahil alam kong unfair na hindi ko na maibibigay 'yon sa kanya. Nagbago na 'ko ang that's that.

No, No, No Noche Buena

I think this is the first time we're not having Noche Buena. I found out just now. My sister and I waited eagerly. We've gotten so used to it that not having it wasn't an option. This is weird. Should I go to sleep now?

Neither Here nor There: The I-Was-Supposed-to-Post Post

I want to know what you're thinking. What you're really thinking. And feeling. Not what you think you should tell me or what you think I want to hear or what you think is the proper thing to say. I'm sorry if I'm not good with criticisms, but I still want/need to know.

---

Things you do probably do not care about but I would want to write down just for the sake of remembering:

-Saw Hobbit in 3D. The first LOTR film I've ever seen!

-Me and Orson Welles. <3

-Finally unfriended L on Facebook. This may seem shallow but I really do feel relieved.

-Been playing The Last Stand: Dead Zone. Ugh, I'm hooked.

-Just got my period = not pregnant. I half-hoped I was.

-I plan to attend Malasimbo again next year. Need to start saving up.

-I will start working a full-time home-based job on January 1st. I haven't quite figured out how I will make this work as I have no workspace and my laptop's keyboard is broken. I can't work on my desktop because I just can't. Also, I need to buy new eyeglasses. Hello, eyestrain.

-I wish I'd still be able to go to the museum regularly despite this new job.

-I NEED A SMART PHONE.

-I'm excited to eat at Van Gogh is Bipolar with C! I'll probably cry. Teehee.

-Family's day out tomorrow.

-Speaking of family, my mom's brother's ex-wife is now my dad's brother's girlfriend/live-in partner/baby mama. WTF RIGHT?

-I haven't bought gifts for my siblings and parents yet. THE MALLS ARE INSANE SO I'M SORRY. I'll give them something on the New Year instead. Maybe. Mwahaha!

-That alpha male director's film sucked, they said. MWAHAHA!

-I miss going out with my friends but at the same time, I can't be bothered.

-I NEED NEW EYEGLASSES.

-I NEED TO VISIT MY DENTIST.

-Can't think of anything else right now.

Blog: Oh, hi there. Finally, you're blogging. *hands me a cigarette*

Me: No, thanks. Sorry, I was kind of preoccupied--

Blog: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. *lights cigarette*

*huffs*

*puffs*

Silence.

Blog: So, what do you want to write about?

Me: I'm thinking of starting a new blog. A public one.

Blog: Well, why don't you go ahead and start one now?

Me: My hands are still pretty full right now so...

Blog: M-hmm. So when do you plan on starting it? You've been forgetting a lot of things you know, not writing them down.

Me: I'm not sure. But I've got a pretty good idea for this one.

Blog: Like you did for me and for the others, a long time ago.

Silence.

Me: So, uhm, anyway, yesterday, Koko watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time.

Blog: Well, that's not entirely true, he watched half of it. Why would you even want to tell me that? Let him watch the entire movie then you tell me about it.

Me: Uhm, okay. Today I learned about neuroesthetics. Well, sort of. At least I got an idea on what it's about. My colleague talked about it today, in her presentation.

Blog: Well, that's pretty interesting.

Me: Yeah, it is. But I'm not sure I believe in it in its entirety. Anyway, I also had fun goofing off with my friends at the museum today. It's the first time I've felt comfortable at making fun of myself in a while.

Blog: What did you guys do?

Me: Sang, danced, for almost an hour in front of this exhibit that plays different songs, not caring about the museum visitors passing by.

Blog: I'm happy that you are starting to feel comfortable about yourself and being around other people-- new people.

Me: It was really a lot of fun. I also ate caviar for the first time today. It tasted like galunggong.

Blog: Did it, really?

Me: At least that's what my friend described it to be. I thought it tasted salty and yes, fish-like.

Blog: What else did you have today?

Me: Omelette, Jollibee burger, baby back ribs and roast beef with C. I also ate mangga-aligue for the first time today. I loved it.

Blog: Damn, that sounds good!

Me: It is.

Blog: Mm-hmm.

Silence.

Me: Well, I guess that's all for now.

Blog: What about the other stuff you've been busy with?

Me: Don't want to talk about them, really.

Blog: I see. You're looking positive.

Me: Thanks.

Blog: Alright then. See you tomorrow?

Me: Uh...

Blog: Fine. See you when I see you.

Me: Bye for now.

Blog: Yep.

Another Job Interview

And another one... and another. It's an endless cycle.

I'm so tired I just want to get a, then again, high-paying robotic job. Pfft, no. I'm not that far down the hill yet.

Nothing Worth Reading

It's almost the end of the long weekend and I still haven't accomplished anything. For the past few days I have found myself wanting more practically impractical things, watching more useless crap, and surfing more brain-frying webpages.

1. I've been searching for the best phone to buy. I've been using my cheap ass phone for more than a year for a lot of reasons. Mainly because I'm not a great cellphone owner. I mindlessly lose it, intentionally or unintentionally break it, or sometimes I'm just unlucky enough to get robbed. (I owned 5 phones just last year, if you must know.) But I eventually need to succumb to the petite bourgeois societal demands of having a proper (meaning "smart") phone. I need to schedule meetings, take notes, handle my media content, access my email anytime, anywhere, blah, blah, and blah.

This is how I arrived to the Nokia Lumia 800, the model is a year old so it's relatively cheap. (Plus, Lumia 900 just came out.) I'd love to have an S3 or an iPhone but I don't have the budget and really, I don't need much, I just need something to get me going for the next two years (if it manages to last that long in my hands, even.)

2. I've seen the entire first season of Louie, and boy, was it good. I've been meaning to watch it for so long but I've never really bothered to. It's witty, entertaining, and most importantly, short enough. Somebody's got an attention span problem and she's sorry.

What I really like about Louis C.K., aside from making me laugh out loud (which is quite a feat) is that he is his own boss. He created, wrote, directed, produced, and edited his own show, and he had the guts to. He even produces his own live acts. No middlemen and agencies to exploit people. You buy show tickets directly from his website so the tickets are cheaper. He's great, smart, and his TV show is A+.

3. There isn't a lot of things to like about the new TV show, Revolution. The premise is interesting but it scores low on a lot of technical aspects. So until I hear that the plot, editing, production design, and acting--basically everything--has improved, I'll pass.

3. When I'm not watching something, I'm wasting my time with StumbleUpon. Enough said.

4. I want a lot of things for my Xbox, extra hard drive, new games, and Microsoft Points.

5. I want to bake cookies, cupcakes, cakes, and just about everything decadent that can be made through an oven for the holidays. I want to print shirts too. And make stuffed animals. Or try out DIY beauty stuff.

See how I've become superficial? I disappoint myself.

Siddenly, I got nothing to say.

I just feel like I have to say something after that's everything that's happened the past weeks.

I quit my last film project.

Our event didn't push through.

And our short film didn't make it to the screening.

I wanted to just quit after everything that's happened. Surrender to that feeling, to that void. Get a robotic job and do what I do best, escape.

I still have to deliver with the event. We are bound by a contract and I am the signatory. I honestly don't know what to do as we don't have a revolving fund. But that's not even the big problem. The real problem here is I'm not really in the condition to troubleshoot. Given our team composition and our resources, I am the only one willing (I wouldn't say capable) to find ways for this project to actualize.

I don't feel secure because I don't have a plan. I am scared of what happens tomorrow, the day after that, and next week.

I don't know if I'm going to get a job and if I do get a job, how will I head this project?

What will happen next month? Next year? I want to get a job not mainly to earn, but to learn. But things are happening so fast I don't know if I can afford it.

---

Things between me and C are, well, same as usual, I guess. He still loves me, I know he does. I just really think I need a break. WE need a break. I'm just so tired of constantly being on my toes that I have become impatient about everything. It feels like everything that we did to each other since the start of this relationship is taking its toll that even the littlest things drives me crazy. Everything he does that annoy me, even for a bit, makes me remember things that he's done long ago that should have been already forgotten. I feel like he doesn't learn from his mistakes. I feel like I have to constantly watch over him, reprimand him if he does something wrong, push him to move, act, do something, console him when he's feeling down. Things that I need to.

I know that he supports me 100% but I can't feel it because I don't think he's strong enough to support me. There is no sense of security even though he reassures me that I'm going to be fine because it's just not believable coming from him. I don't mean security in the common sense of the word, but just the feeling of having a friend beside you when everything goes downhill. I know he's always beside me but he's more messed up than I am so... there.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising my own boyfriend. I know that in a relationship both have to take care of each other, both have to work on it, and both have to make way for each other. Now the question that I've had for quite some time now, does this mean that I'm not ready for a relationship? Because if I'm no longer willing to do the dirty work then it's unfair to my partner. Sometimes I just feel that I've been doing the dirty work for so long I've gotten tired of it.

Since last year, the only time I can say that we're really okay are the times when he was taking care of me. I don't want to be the kind of person who stays in a relationship for convenience. I don't want to stay spoiled. I wasn't even like this before, I was a complete control freak who wouldn't let anyone take care of me. My ex spoiled me too, and that ruined it for us. He created a monster out of me and I don't want that to happen again.

I will wait for him though. I will help him become a better person, stand beside him while he grows. I just hope he doesn't lose me in the process. I really can't say that he won't.

----

I need to get myself together.

In other news

I am more relaxed now. I no longer fidget in my sleep, dreaming about work. I no longer wake up in a state of panic, thinking about the tasks I need to get done for the day.

I've been relaxed for a week, a full week. AND IT FEELS GOOD.

I know I'd have to get back on the daily program soon enough

and I can't wait.

October: On Alpha Male Film Directors

August was so good to me I expected September to be the same. And it was pretty much okay. There were problems that made me want to go on a road rage and a mass killing spree but I managed through all of them. It was October that ruined it for me.

It was on October 2 (technically, October 3, at around 2 or 3 a.m.) when the director of the film I had been working on pushed me, as in LITERALLY PUSHED ME. He's a big, fat alpha male, in case you're wondering.

It sucked. It really did. I can't even-- I'd like to think that we had a good relationship. He wanted to teach me Production Design and though it has never been included in my plans, why pass up an opportunity to learn, right? I'd also like to think that he was content and, I can even say, impressed with how our team was working until blah blah blah blah internal issue with a co-worker blah blah  I don't even want to start. The story's too long for this blog post and for your attention span.

So one shooting day, everyone was tired and exhausted for not getting enough sleep for weeks on end when communication between departments and key persons became unsystematic and confusing, which isn't really something that is new on this project. Fast forward past the shouting and running and blaming, I hurried down to the set and saw our director about to punch one of the talents. Around that time, most of the staff thought that the delay was my fault. So the director looked at my direction, pointing at me, shouting curses and yelling, and cursing, and yelling! I gave no response. I was just there, poker-faced and all. I didn't really care. I thought, Oh, he's just angry, he just needs to let it all out. He'll be alright. I was on that trail of though when he decided to ATTACK me, and PUSH me. He just pushed me, his right hand on my right shoulder, for about five steps forward while I just kept stepping back. Apparently not satisfied, with his left hand (still pushing me with his right), he took the Monobloc chair behind him and threw it next to me.

And that concludes my career in Costume Design and Production Design, stripping me of any chance of going to Berlinale. Thank you very much.

That's one goal in life I don't have to get confused about anymore. Less options, less dilemmas, less problems. I'd like to think positive and see this as a sign to just pursue my own projects instead of working for other people for theirs. Isn't that a good way of looking at it? Reality though, it still sucks.

Dilemma 2012

It's that time of the year again! When I'm forced to choose between projects.

Either I do this major film (MMFF-major) or I put all my time and effort to my event or I apply for this  pretty decent full-time job (which I'd actually like to have). Not to mention I have a planned Palawan trip with C.

ANG HIRAP. Why must this always happen? Can't projects distribute themselves throughout the year? Why does it all have to happen at the same time?

Fighting

I guess this is the universe cutting me some slack. I wanted to see Gym Class Heroes so (SOOOOOOO) bad.

As you know, I am currently starving and trying to be an artist so getting ahold of a ticket was beyond me that I resigned myself to the idea of spending the night of August 16th working my ass off. Still, one has to find ways. This is the first time I joined an online contest and ta-dah! I actually won something in my life! The show was-- I CAN'T EVEN.

I needed tonight so badly. I just wish it could have lasted longer.

http://instagram.com/p/OZJ2kWTSFf/

photo cred: @marcdejesus

And now back to the real world. A Manila without Gym Class Heroes. I'm grateful they sent out so much good vibes I think it will get me through all of these... things. Family hug what uppppppp.

Much love.