Four Years Lost

I just want to write this all down before I take my "calming pill".

I should have listened to my gut four years ago and gave up on that relationship as early as then. This much I can say now: I should have listened to my friends.

Two years ago should have been enough indication that all of this would end badly. If I didn't had the change to end it four years ago, two years ago was my second chance. I tried to. To no avail. I still ended up running back to him. I don't even want to remember that year. It was the shittiest. Sometimes I think that my mood disorder would not have gotten this worse if it weren't for that relationship. Yes, I really do think so.

At present, my friends opinion of him still has not changed. They are still telling me to stay away from him. I know that they're right. He's more destructive than helpful to my well-being. The graver effects are not worth the momentary feelings of happiness. I just didn't (and still don't) know what to do about it.

I don't expect people to empathize with me, given the stigma and all. I don't give a fuck if they're there in times of distress or whatever. But when I told him that I had a bipolar disorder I was hoping to get a little empathy, a bit of concern. I didn't receive any. He hasn't even as much as Google the thing. And I know this for sure because I know him that much.

Now I can't get those four years back. I have to live with this disorder that is now worse than ever. And I have to live with it alone.

Some life.

I think too much

I'd like to go on a ranting spree about my personal life but I'll postpone that for now. Maybe I would go out after all. Or maybe not. Man, I don't know.

I'm known for standing up people all the time but I want to change that. Problem is, I also know it wouldn't be healthy to go out. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Are the meds working?

My night is ruined.

I was supposed to go out. I have plotted tonight in my calendar weeks back. Now I don't think it would be a good idea to go. My ex has just been here in our house. It didn't do anything but just aggravate my already uncontrollable mood.

I am trying to level my emotions and gauging if I can do something to reverse the situation. Good thing I am still able to control myself. Other days I would just go out and get wasted. But insight and acceptance is important. I have accepted my illness and I want to get better. I keep telling myself this but right now all I really want to do is go out, drink some and then a lot.

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Insomnimania

I don't want to go to sleep yet. I really don't. There are so many things I want to do. I want to take advantage of all my excess energy to create something. But I have to remind myself that in order to get better I must make healthy choices. Staying up all night will only make my mania worse. Oh, bother. So, yep, I'm taking that thing, and will let it do what it does and lull me to sleep.

When I thought I was getting better

I was feeling very intense again today. Good thing I had an appointment set with my doctor. I went with my mother. I would have had it otherwise but my doctor insisted that I bring her with me. And because I trust my doctor and I really do want to get better, I obliged.

The day started well. I was in a good mood. Too good to be true actually. I started to doubt my mood because mornings like that usually do not end well. And right I was. I was speeding myself through work after work that I skipped lunch and then realized that I was late for my appointment so my mom and I hurried our way to my doctor. We were on our way when I started to get really irritated. There were too many people. The weather was too hot. And I actually shouted at someone who stepped on my foot on the train. I tried to calm myself down really bad. I was feeling really agitated I thought my chest would burst.

Of course I told my doctor about today's mood. My lithium dosage was upped and was given a new medication to help me get to sleep. I really hope this works.

I was supposed to go to QC because it's a close friend's birthday but decided against it. My doctor also advised that I skip it. So I texted my "best friend" that I couldn't go. I finally told her that I have bipolar disorder. She couldn't believe it at first and later on, I guess when she finally got over it, she told me that she's a little mad that I have been avoiding talking to her. I would have told her I was sorry except that I wasn't really feeling up to that kind of conversation.

My ex and I are working on some projects together so I have no choice but to talk to him time after time. When I was talking to him on the phone this afternoon, he got agitated. I was asking for updates and I was trying really hard to calm myself down so that my mood is not heard over the phone. But when he sounded irritated while talking to me, it really pissed me off. Here I was, trying my best to control my mood and he didn't seem to even care about that.

Then he called again tonight to ask about something he should already know the answer to. I wanted to throw my phone on the wall.

a;slkfh398yt2io4gh398jthge98wjtljgdfiohjsdiog

Man, I hate this mood.

Monday Fail

I'm doing a Facebook page analysis for work and I don't know where to start.

I had a mild anxiety attack earlier today, by the way. My doctor advised that I discontinue escitalopram as it might have been causing the anxiety.

Had a vivid dream again last night. I was grinding my teeth again.

I really should go to bed now.

I hope things magically become better in the morning.

Right.

Only Bipolar Owl understands.

Harvey Specter

I just spent the whole weekend watching Suits and instead of feeling guilty that I didn't get to do any real work, I'm happy. I'm relieved that I finally get to enjoy little things like this again.

I still get ticked off but they're not as bad and it has only happened twice since Thursday. I dreamt last night, it wasn't as exhausting as the usual but I was grinding my teeth again.

Now I just have to find my momentum again and work harder than I have ever had, because it all comes down to me now, no more extra energy from the mania.

New meds #2

There's a bit of anxiety. But my sleep the past two nights have been really deep, without any dreams.

Mania yesterday started to seep in at around 8:30 in the evening. Instantly felt relaxed after I took meds.

I just have to monitor this anxiety. I'm not sure if it's anxiety or it's just the mood overpowering the meds.

And man, friends make me anxious. I'm so stressed with the thought of having to maintain relationships with people. At this moment, I'd really rather be alone.

New meds

I feel weird. It's like my whole body is being tickled from the inside. I feel good but at the same time I feel like laughing at everything but at the same time it's different from the feeling of being high on weed.

A little bit of humor goes a long way

I handed my mom a pamphlet about bipolar disorder that my doctor gave to me.

She read aloud, "Two Sides of Self-Identity."

Then an awkward silence...

We burst out laughing.

Good times.

Scenarios

I was thinking about bipolar disorder and how it does not define a person. I thought about the different reactions that different people might have. This is all for fun, of course. :D

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Tell me something I don't know.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Can I have something cooler? Can I, can I? Pretty, pretty please?

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: God, I can't wait to tell Takumi andl the Colonel.*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *starts sobbing*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: I don't think so.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: A-ha! I won!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: That is the best worst best worst best worst news.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *thinks about a  hundred other scenarios*
--

*A Looking for Alaska reference. Takumi and the Colonel are Alaska's bestfriends.

Brochure

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong, recurrent illness. But there are various ways in which you can still lead a full life. Some suggessti... Bipolar ... lifelong, recurrent illness ... Bi..po..lar ... disorder ... a lifelong ... illness ... recurrent illness ... LIFELONG ... RECURRENT ... a l..i..f.....e.....long....rec...urre...nt... lifelong.... recur...ren...t...ill.n..e..s...s...

So tired

Man, I'm so tired. Each part of my body aches.

My manic state's getting worse.

Man.

Not Helping

Goddammit, may ex is an insensitive bastard.

I don't know how it happened but for some fucking reason he and my bestfriend saw each other last night and he told my bestfriend why we broke up. He told her this in front of someone we also know. I don't know what he said and it doesn't even matter what he said but WHO DOES THAT?

Am I not even allowed to mourn this shit through?

Are people always going to come up to me saying that my ex told them about what happened and blah and blah?

Why wouldn't he just focus on his own fucking problems than feeling the need to buzz people up all the time looking for someone to drink with, smoke with, and talk with?

As if telling me that I'm over reacting would help. Really. When did that kind of attitude help with any situation?

I wish people in the world would stop talking for a fucking while and start listening.

Crushed

I'm a mess. And no, fuck no, it's not going to be okay.

A Snack Shack realization

Stories about hustling weed. taking shrooms, and visiting locked up friends. These are the things I don't want hearing everyday for the rest of my life. It was a good reminder that there's no room for thinking twice, I'm on the right  track, I just need to move on a steadier pace. How do you get out of the labyrinth again? That's right, straight and fast.

In case you do not get it, that's a "vague" right there. Okay, Imma shut up now.

Morning music is my bestfriend, cheering me on.

Mood: stressed, freaking out, ready to give up

Physical status: has a head-splitting migraine, nauseous, sleep-deprived

Emotional status: all over the place

Mind: perfect, creative, and objective

Today's going to be a long day and I need to get my mood sorted and get a better grip of myself.

I can do this. You know why? Because I'm awesome.

You can do it!

Tiis-tiis, ipon-ipon. No eating out, no movie houses, no buying of any gadgets. Commute everyday, work harder, skip summer. You'll get there, baby, you'll get there.

On another note

I seriously need to get my laptop's keyboard fixed. I can't work on the desktop for hours on end without air-conditioning. This heat is a killer!

A creative block would be a very lucky problem to have

I don't want to work, I just want to make mixtapes all day. And for some reason I want to do some Photoshopping. Should I just waste all this energy to work when I can actually create something beautiful at this very moment? Oh, woe is the Petty B.

Maybe everything we want so badly is worth the wait

I tend to be very technical/mechanical when watching films on a normal day so sometimes when I'm watching a movie for the first time, after a few minutes in I decide on whether or not it is meant to be watched at that particular space-time. Usually I decide on this for the movies that I feel I would like very much. And when I say "like very much", I mean the following: life influence, catharsis, fandom, feelings. The chosen ones are saved for some other time. That perfect time. Sometimes it happens weeks or months after, sometimes even years, sometimes never. And sometimes I get it right.

Tonight I decided to watch Moonrise Kingdom, which I downloaded so many months ago. I just knew that it was what I wanted to watch and that tonight was the best time to get the most out of the experience. Boy, was I right. I wouldn't even review the film. It's too important for that. I'll probably over-analyze it one of these days anyway, but not tonight.

In case anybody's reading this, don't even look at the photos below if you haven't seen the movie yet. It will spoil too much for you. Heed my words. (I even refuse to use uploaded screencaps because they are filtered. Handpicked and screencapped these from my own player.)

Yay to false hopes and dreams that would never come true

I was browsing through Tumblr when I realized, yeah, why would I no longer want to see the world? So, just maybe, I want to chase after those impossible dreams again.

And maybe I'd like to see snow melt outside my window too, at least before I die.

Well, just maybe.

These Things

When does Hatred end, I wonder? At what point? Whenever you get mad at someone, does it just crossfade to The Life After? Simultaneously, Hatred fades out very slowly, The Life After fades in very slowly. Or does it sit there in the dark corner with its bright eyes, watching your every move, waiting for the perfect time to pounce?

Told you today would be a different story

I'm forcing myself to get out of the house this afternoon and will also try to go jogging tomorrow. IN THIS HEAT. (I wake up at around 3 or 4am nowadays anyway so I'll be done before the sun comes up.)

I just have to do these things for my sake.

“At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

What music does to me

Today, at this very moment, I feel like I am ready to forgive. We don't know what tomorrow holds though, but I'm betting it would be an entirely different feeling.

I was feeling better

We know that when one starts to blog in bullet points it means that she has nothing good to share. With that being said...

From the good down to the not-so-bad:

• As part of my Better Well-Being Project, I slept for at least 12 hours straight. Woke up feeling re-energized and better. 
• Mixtapes I uploaded are trending.  Although I don't think I'm too happy with the last one. I should have taken more time making it.
• So many people roll they eyes on Vampire Weekend, but I am a proud fan. And this song has been giving me the good vibes for the last few days:.




The above song uses a (hook) line from:




Both the above songs use elements from:


Ain't music a cool thing? Ugh, too bad nobody reads this shit.
• The Voice Season 4 has been very amusing so far. It hits my cheap-entertainment-and-crappy-pop-culture bone right in the middle. I have never been this entertained by a talent show since... ever, I think.
• I'm feeling optimistic because it's less than a week away from something. I'm sure I can hold on until then.
• My dream was hella weird. Video-game-slash-thriller-movie weird.
• Too many mixtapes, books, and movies, so little time.
• I wonder why talking to people eventually leads to my annoyance. I should just give up conversations altogether.

Dreaming while half-asleep = half-daydreaming?

I woke up to the theme song of Nickelodeon's Victorious which my brothers were watching. I was never a fan of the show but hearing the song made me feel good. I was still half-asleep and the thought of getting up has not yet crossed my mind. I was lying in my bed when I thought, not a bad song to wake up to. Quite inspiring. I suddenly want to chase after my dreams. Then I remembered, inspired to do what? Chase after what dreams?

...

....

..

.....

.

...

Then I got up. 

Well, that was depressing. Ha ha! Cheerio.

Vulnerability

One vague post coming right up!

I like being strong. I have always had to be strong. I am the cold, conservative, unapproachable girl to some. Yes, I am one of those who rarely opens up herself. Yes, you may roll your eyes. In the rare event that I do open up myself to someone, it fucks me up almost every time. Because I can't handle the feeling of someone knowing that much about me then not being on my side when shit boils down. If you offer yourself to be my friend, then a friend you must be. If I feel otherwise even for just a little bit, I will most likely push you away. And I can't even help it. I hate the feeling of vulnerability as much as I hate the feeling of betrayal. They are one and the same to me.

The cold-hearted bitch might just be back soon. For now you must allow me to mourn.

Responsibilities

I do feel that I have been carrying the weight for too long. Everybody's got an excuse. Why was I never allowed to have my own?

So, I'm out.

Well, for now, at least.

It's/I'm getting worse everyday

I don't know what's getting worse everyday--it or I. 

I can't find the will to live, to actually live. I just want to exist and keep existing until the day I no longer.

Because maybe, there is no way out. Thousands of years upon thousands of years, people, prophets, philosophers, geniuses, have contemplated the way out, but maybe there's no answer to that. Even acceptance is not a way out. Even forgiveness is not a way out. Maybe even revolution is not a way out.

Holy Summer Morning Camolies!

MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT IS BACK UP. I CANNOT EVEN. This is a relief. All those information and messages... whew. I can rest now.

Ms. Storyteller

So my Facebook account was blocked by their system, right? I tried to access my old Facebook account so I could tell my family and friends that I'll be inactive for a while until Facebook chooses to reactivate my new account again.

There's also this local advocacy group who help people undergoing emotional distress and they have a Facebook fan page so I thought of sending them a message there just to let me know that Hey, I'm still alive. I haven't killed myself yet. Okay, that's not funny, but, when I saw their page it was all hate posts about some phony person who invaded and "disturbed" their group creating fake stories and such. And how did they come to the conclusion that this person was not real? Because her Facebook disappeared. Has Facebook come to be the "proof of life" these days?

And I tell you, there are more. Okay, I'm thankful that they listened to me at first, but now,  I don't see how they can help me if they judged "Ms. Storyteller"  just because Facebook blocked her, she who sincerely asked for help with all good intentions,

As I am calm now, well, at least, compared to when I first found out about what they wrote about "Ms. Storyteller," I'd like to think I understand. These are people who have gone through so much in their lives and have been judged by so many and I can relate, so to have someone play a joke on you would be really inhumane. But that wasn't Ms. Storyteller's intention, she was being honest. And now hurt.

So I sent them a message saying that I'm real and the girl who opened up to them was real. But, I guess it just all ends there. I can't be part of their group anymore, they wouldn't let me back in and I don't want to either. I'm not even sure they believe that I'm real now.

There is not much to say about this. I couldn't imagine being in a group like that. Simply, a lesson has been learned, I should be more careful next time. There are just some groups that you won't fit into and you're better off outside it.

Oh, wow. Lovely.

So now that I have calmed down a little, I will tell you a story. A story of how my Facebook got deactivated last night. I don't know how it happened. It kept logging out by itself the entire night until at one point I couldn't log back in. I used their mobile verification method, not that they presented any other option either. This is the only way, the system sneeringly whispered to my head. So I entered my mobile number and had their system send a verification code to my phone. Eons passed and no verification code was received by my neolithic mobile. So I did the process all over again. And again. And again. Until they wouldn't allow me to anymore. I have lovingly exceeded the number of times their system could text me. Because it was too much of a hassle to their delicate system, I imagine.

Of course, lo and behold, I eventually received the verification code. One message after the other, spamming my precious inbox memory.

It was this whole promenade that triggered last night's episode.The details of which I will just leave to your imagination. That is the story of how I lost my one-week old Facebook account. Thank you.

Oh. Also, I just realized right before I wrote this blog post that the contact information of the three psychiatrists that I was referred to was in there, in my Facebook messages inbox. What can I say, I find it easier to send Facebook messages impulsively than call a landline number and then have to write all the info down. Luckily--or unluckily (I cannot decide which.)--as part of this big cosmic joke, I vaguely remembered a name in my mind. I searched it in Google, and alas, it was indeed a name of a psychiatrist. So somehow the back of my head decided by itself to store it in there.

Which makes me arrive to the next posed problem, I only have 3500 left in my life. Yes, that's all the money I have right now. (I am very generous and I let people borrow my money a lot so do not ask where's the rest. And in case you're worrying about my health, I stocked up food to last me an apocalypse.) Considering how I lived the year before, if you would take time to sift through my past letters, dear, I would have considered 3500 a fortune then. But now I have the option of going to that psychiatrist whose name my brain chose to not forget or spending that last money for a weekend of relaxation. Life is full of trickery, with this one not being a far off exception. I am given the choice of relaxing but not getting better or getting better but staying vexed--at least until I receive my sum of pure capitalist goodness next week which I can then use for buying medication. A lot of things happen when a crazy mind is allowed to wander far, wide, and limitless, so if I do choose to attend the weekend's thing-a-ma-jig then I would be taking a great risk and should, even this early on, already accept the consequences of what is yet to happen.

But, my love, there is no way to win this fight, so I surrender to my room's air-conditioning, with my arms spread wide, and shall sleep these thoughts off until the horrors of this life choose to awaken me again from my beautiful slumber. Up until then... To call or not to call, that is not even a question.

Unbelievable.

I just accidentally deleted my most recent post. The world just struck my last nerve. Well, because, f*** y**, world. Yes, fuck you.
--
EDIT: I was able to recover it!

Boy

I looked away when he met my gaze. I was staring longer than I should. I was snapped back to my senses by the healthy laughter of the people around me, all charmed by his sense of humor. Even as I distracted myself, trying not to look at him as he told his jokes, his image left an imprint. He was tall and lanky, but with broad shoulders, lean arms, and a flat stomach. He had long, strong legs, a wispy hair like he's just gotten out of bed, dark, fierce eyes, and a playful disposition. He was handsome, and seemed annoyed by the fact.

Oh, bother 3

"Well, you also judge everyone else."

You don't say!

After being judged, this is what I got back. Thanks, that makes perfect fucking sense.

Oh, bother 2

Me: Hindi ako makakapagpa-check up without money. (I won't be able to schedule a session without money.)
C: OKay so you're going through with it?
C: :)
Me: It shouldn't matter. I'm just saying I need the money. 'Yun lang. If you can't, keri. (That's all, if you can't give it yet, fine.) I'm just saying I need it.
C: Okay. Just wanted to talk about it.
Me: About what?
C: About how you think you're crazy.
Me: What?!
Me: How I think I'm crazy?!
Me: Are you fucking kidding me?

Today is just a fucking rollercoaster.

Oh, bother

Me: Kailan daw ako babayaran (utang)? (When's he going to be able to pay me back?)
Ma: Sa a-kinse pa raw. (On the 15th)
Me: Kailangan kong magpa-check. (I need to go to get myself checked.)
Ma: Pa-check ng? (What for?)
Me: Utak. (My mind.)
Ma: Ah, pupunta kang psychiatrist? (Oh. Are you going to a psychiatrist?)
Me: Oo. (Yeah)
Ma: Sige, pa-check ka lang. (Alright, just have yourself checked.)
Me: E, pera. May mga gamot pa 'yon. (But, money. I would need some for the meds.)
Ma: Basta pa-check ka lang, kahit naman next week na 'yung mga gamot. (Just have yourself checked, take care of the meds next week)

This is how you casually reveal to your mother that you're crazy.

Q&A

Sometimes he says the stupidest things.

"I only have a little idea of what you're going through right now. I can't say that I fully understand it or mayBE I just can't look at it in a way where hindi nA talaga tayo magbabalikan ever." (Well, this part of what he said doesn't really make any sense at all)

"If you think you can overcome things without meds..."

"Was I the one who told you that (name of our friend) is bipolar, or did you tell me that?"

"Why did you think of getting diagnosed in the first place?"

I hate being judged. And I woke up to text messages of someone really close to me judging me. Hence the bad mood. ARGH.

Moving On

Looks like I will have to cancel my move to QC. As much as I would like to for convenience, it wouldn't be healthy to live alone.

I might have to go to therapy sessions or something. As much as I hate the thought of admitting this. Well, better than causing a problem (posing a threat) to the people I love.

I'm just making a note of these things while I'm still "down." Something to remind myself of when I'm all riled up again.

BUT MOST OF ALL, TO NEVER FORGET WHAT I LIVE FOR. BOW.

Tunay?

Tila lumalabas ang tunay na ugali ng magkarelasyon kapag magkahiwalay na kayo.

It has been a while since the last time I have felt this humiliated. And that was also because of you.

Overly Dramatic Kasi Ako

Sana sinabuyan mo na lang ako ng asido sa mukha
Ano, overly dramatic pa rin ba?
E kung umiiyak ako ngayon?
Emotional wreck ulit, ganon?
Sana minura mo na lang ako, sana sinaktan mo na lang ako nang deretso, sana sinabi mo na lang lahat ng ayaw kong marinig.
Pero sana hindi mo ako pinira-piraso.
Halos 'di na nga ako umimik, handa na akong tanggapin na ako lahat ng 'to, kasalanan ko 'to, sige, impatient ako, selfish, bitch, ano pang gusto mo? Pero 'yung ganito?

At least wala nang kontradiksyon. Sigurado na ako.

Ubos na.

Ibig sabihin kailangan ko nang matulog. Paano kung may mga bagay pang hindi natatapos? Aantayin ko bang mag-umaga o ipagpapaliban na lang muna?

Coffee

My mother threw away my cup of coffee. She thought it was already stale. She didn't know there was alcohol in it that's why it smelled that way.

Self-Pity

I feel like I don't have anything else to offer this world. Someone last night made me feel just that. Or maybe I just lack sleep. I'll regain my egotistical self when I wake up.

Sorry if I don't fit your standards of self-pimping and promoting about how I am being productive. I am not the type who advertises myself on Facebook. Unlike you, I have nothing to prove.

-- In other news --

What do you when you want to break up with someone but you can't just because he's not willing to? I've asked this question too many times before and I still do not have the answer.

kape-brandy-valiums to go please

They say it makes you fuzzy, woozy, and other Zs. Well, that's not true! I feel just fucking like you.

I made coffee and dropped the valium into the cup. poured in some brandy. Played a game, tried to catch the valium with my mouth before it dissolved or before the coffee ran out. Turned out it was all in my head and the coffee, brandy, valium were all in my mouth.

Nyeta. Mali!

So it was the first time today that someone read one of my poems (if you can even call it.that.)

I feel embarrassed, because I know that it wasn't good enough. Problem with me is, I don't know anything about form or structure, I just know when something's good and when it is not. And that poem is not that bad, but it was so full of cliches it went past good and back to bad again.

I am literally voicing out loud what I am typing right now because it's the only way that I can keep things intact, in my mind, at least. Else, I will forget what I am doing and yes. I am babbling, aloud

I know I should start working now. I have work to do. But I can't. I need to drink more coffee.

Hey, love

through intoxication

is how i used to live

and sometimes long to live

poof

the magic jargon

Just wrote an awfully long letter. Now I don't have the mental capacity to blog. Pfft.

I am in a state of calm so scary. A state of mind so unlike me. I am null, I am void, I am none. I tip-toe through space-time, so lightly. No gravity, no matter.

No matter.

First of all

I feel bad that I didn't handle this as I should have. I have totally neglected my day job because of other projects I had. I am so disappointed with myself it's depressing.

Things are not miserable. The past week has been productive. But on account of something else. If this were any other job I wouldn't have given a single fuck. But boy, have I changed, I'm enjoying my job and I have no intentions of losing it.

I can't believe I'm talking about my day job when there are so many other things going on.

Still, I am not losing this one.

gfdg54y45hgfrh4

I don't know what to feel.

Now, that first sentence was easy to write. The rest wouldn't be. There's a hole in my heart. Cliche, it is. Fine. Cliches would describe this well. But they wouldn't be enough. Because there are specifics. Specifics like you driving your motorcycle in the middle of the night to that gas station just to talk. Now that's not cliche, but that's formulaic, but formulas makes it easier to deconstruct things. Things like a great friendship going on for a few months then self-destructing. Almost like a summer love. But it wasn't. Because there were actual emotions involved. This is real life. It wasn't as easy to let go. Things don't have closure. You would never tell me what happened. Nor would I ask why.

But I dreamed of you last night. I don't know where you are right now or what you are doing. We haven't talked in, exaggeratedly, eons. (Another cliche.) But I dreamed of you. That's the closest to reality that I can get to you. I didn't will it but my subconscious found a way to let you in. I don't know what to feel.

I think I feel hurt and betrayed. I wish I could tell you this. You have debunked not only the general view of things but also my personal belief of goodness in humankind. You were an asshole, in the simplest of terms. Cliched and formulaic, both. But you are not stereotypical. I wanted to prove this but you made it difficult with your actions. So I guess you were, after all, cliched, formulaic, stereotypical. Asshole.

Midst of it all

a quick word
on things that never get done
never run out
making up everything and nothing

Carrie Mathison

Hello. So...

C and I talked last night (technically yesterday morning) about us, what happened, life in general. We were completely honest to each other. The gist is, we're okay for now.

Now I'm the one having problems with myself.

I've been watching too much Homeland. I've finished already finished Season 2, which on my normal working phase, an episode wouldn't even have a chance getting into my schedule. But since I feel like shit, I allowed myself to make that lapse.

This is my pattern. When something big and unexpected happens, I get lost. One friend used to liken me to an ant. That when you put something in an ant's way, it wouldn't know what to do. It doesn't realize that it can just work its way around it and then it will be able to continue its original path. I'm not saying that I am like that. I wouldn't like to think so. I prefer to think that I have a choice. I wasn't wired to be that way and that a pattern can be broken. I'm not an ant.

My pattern:

Something bad or big or emotional happens.

I get all worked up.

I get a momentary feeling of panic but

I work, I do something, whether I fix it or I do other things so long as it allows me to move.

After that I crash.

I get tired,

depressed.

I think about what happened. About my faults, weaknesses, limitations. I feel helpless.

At this stage, I know that I'm screwed.

After something that's happened in college many years ago, I applied for work and focused on that. Did nothing but work, made friends in the office, and stayed with my boyfriend the rest of the time. After a month, come enrollment time, I didn't enroll. It was only then that I had a time to stop and think about what happened and decided that I wasn't ready to face it.

When C and I broke up, I went haywire. I was always intoxicated or partying or just being a bitch or an asshole. But after that intense phase, it all went downhill again.

Happened also when I quit from that last film I worked on. That's my pattern. 

And I am at that last stage right now. It has been a week. I spent the whole of last week working. Now I can't work. I can't do anything. I just want to sulk. I feel guilty that we--I have hurt another human being in a way I never thought I could. Never. In any lifetime. I hate patriarchy and everything that comes with it, so naturally, I am not a violent person. I never thought it possible for me to become even close to harassing someone. But I did. I shouted at the taxi driver. Because I thought he was wrong. That was all. I thought I was wrong and he hurt my friends. I'm sure I said a lot of mean things I couldn't remember after. That is what's scary, I don't remember a lot of what I said. I just remember myself wanting him to suffer, because he was a bad person in my mind.

I know that it was the alcohol. But I've never been like that even in my most intoxicated state. So that's what's eating me up. What have I turned into? Am I now like them? Am I now like C and his friends? His friends who in a lot of ways have become my friends too, I hang out with them, but I have always promised myself not to be like them. So now I am consciously telling myself, I don't want to be like that. I need to take a second look and check the culture I'm living in, with, and by. I was a good person and I intend to be that way. I am questioning my own character and I don't want to. I want to believe that I am good. But am I? I know that I was. But am I still?

I want a break. But I can't have it. I need myself not to have it. There is not going to be a break this time. I have to get out of that pattern and stop making excuses about being human and being a subjective being. That excuse is for those who can afford it. For those who can afford getting checked just because they're having a "pattern" and can afford to buy meds to get out of their shit. I believe that I can will this.

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Extra rant.

Carrie Mathison has a bipolar disorder, which somehow makes me relate to her a bit. I am not bipolar. But I can imagine being in her shoes, how difficult it might be for someone with the same disorder. I understand that we're talking about a fictional character here but we all have our avenues of release, right? And mine just happened to be Homeland at this very moment. So we relate ourselves to whatever we're watching or listening to at a particular emotional, economical, personal, whatever-else phase. I'm feel lucky that I don't have what Carrie has. But still, she has the means to live with a sickness like that. 

Imagine a farmer or a factory worker, in the Philippines, getting the same sickness. What I'm saying is, these sicknesses are of the bourgeois. Meaning,fine, let's just say a farmer is born with clinical depression (though I have never met one), they are able to live with it. Because they don't have a choice. They don't have room for depression. They have bigger things to take care of. And this is exactly how I felt when I was still a student activist. It was a difficult role to have but I really didn't give a shit about my emotions. I would talk about them to comrades and it was very easy, because I was very comfortable with them, and they understood. We were on the same wavelength, same culture, hence same language.

I went my back to my old pattern when that college incident happened. After that, never again did I have long, straight months of unperturbed, focused, and stable well-being. And I came back worse. I was terrible. My boyfriend then had to suffer for it. I think he handled it very well up to the point that he want me to be happy so badly that I had too much freedom.

Anyway. I need to find my balance. I need to be productive but not bury myself with work. I'm trying to find a will to do that. I don't know how.

I got arrested.

But I don't want this post to be about that. Yes, I spent about 16 hours of last Sunday in a police station. I tell people that it was just a Saturday night gone bad. It truthfully was, but it's not as simple as it sounds.
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Almost an hour later.

I realized I'm not even ready to write about it now. It's too sad. I'm not worried for me--well, okay, a  little, but I'm really worried for C. I don't even know what he's thinking about these days. The last time that we talked about the incident he sounded like he's blaming the other three that we were with that night, who were also arrested that night. It even sounded like he was saying that it was just the two of us who were in the right minds, who didn't actually want to hurt the taxi driver. I know for sure that both of us were equally at fault as the other three. But I guess I expected him to realize his faults for himself. I mean, I thought it was obvious. We were there, it's not like we stopped what was happening. But no, he thinks that somehow his actions were excusable, at least compared to what the others did. So I guess I'm disappointed. I'm not sure if I can live with this kind of attitude for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that he's a bad person. Because he is not, he is a good guy. I think I have just always wanted better. Arrogance and all, I do feel that I deserve better. Not just for my own sanity, but for my partner's too. Because it's not just about the attitude, it's about how different we both grew up. I'm not even talking about childhood-to-puberty stuff, but how he spent his youth and with what types of people, and how I spent mine with a totally different group of people, who I honestly believe are better persons.

I was so wired after what happened that I buried myself with work. I felt okay and content. But during times that my mind isn't pre-occupied about the tasks I have to finish, I remember C. I remember that I really love him. But no relationship has succeeded on love alone. I feel like if this relationship continues like the way it is now for another year I will go crazy. It takes so much energy to guide someone. It sucks out so much energy from you that it's too late when you realize that it has stunt your growth. I realized this only two years ago which led to me breaking up with him. But I didn't handle myself well after that. I didn't become productive. I was too miserable I self-destructed. But I found myself back on track. I takes a while but I do it--work hard for it. Mid-last year, I started to see things that I want to happen for myself, and I felt our relationship to be something that held me back. I wanted to break up with him again but he wouldn't allow it. So here we are, months after. We still got nothing else but love to keep us going.

What happened that day wasn't a big crime, but I can't explain the impact it did to my life. Not the incident itself, but what came after. I did have realizations about myself but honestly, I'm not even thinking about doing a major overhaul on my life. I'm still doing and will keep doing what I've been doing before it happened, more or less. I am more concerned on C's life. Will he change? Will he be able to catch up? How long will I be able to wait? These realizations didn't even happen directly because of the incident. I've been having these thoughts for a while. But I think what happened was so big of a shock that I was forced to step back and look at my life in a bigger picture, and this relationship seems to be the big chunk of the puzzle that I can't solve.

6:54 AM

always searching for something
never quite learning
it's a new day and hey
he's still coming like he never went
away

here's everything
but won't keep him sitting still
never satisfied until something's epic
but boy, don't you see?

here's me

things get confusing in the morning
while I'm sleeping he's prepping
he's going away, oh stay
he's still going and I'm left alone
today

here's everything
but won't keep him sitting still
never satisfied until something's epic
but boy, don't you see?

here's me

always feeling like the world is leaving
never thinking, always taking
he's on his way but hey
he's chasing nothing
all day

here's something
I won't be sitting still
you're never satisfied, nothing's epic
so I'm making you see--
---
feeling lyrics

Resolutions 2013

C and I had a long talk last night. We've come to understand a lot of things about us. So we're okay, for now.

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I've always believed that if you wanted to change something about yourself, you should do it anytime you need to, which renders New Year's resolutions worthless. But here I am, writing down my resolutions for the first time since grade school when we were forced to write them down by every teacher every year. So here's mine, and whether I live up to them or not, a list wouldn't hurt. So this is for my 2013 self, to remind her that she's awesome and is destined for greatness.

• Eat healthy and be physically fit.  Try to, at least. Avoid fast foods, learn to cook. Make a "healthy list" before going to the grocery so that even if you buy all those junk, you'll be sure to get the good stuff too. Drink more water. Get more involved in physical activities. Kinect everyday. Will try yoga.
• Manage time wisely. Get it done. Try to do as much work everyday but remember that you can't do everything. Sress is bad for your brain. Do more collabs. Work with people. Set some time aside for art. Create your own material.
• Read more and write more. Get some good eyeglasses and don't lose them! Read a lot. And then some more. Write everyday. Create a new blog, share stuff. Pen and paper are your weapons, always carry them with you. Write those ideas. Write those poems, that screenplay, that short story.
• Be curious. Enroll in a class. Never stop learning. There's power in knowing. Goal is to enroll in uni the next semester. Things to study on the side: Astronomy, Geography (or basic directions, at least!), Culinary, Health Awareness, Cinematography, Non-Linear Editing.
• Rent an apartment by March. Keep it neat and tidy. Initially, get a stable internet connection, a bed, and a desk. Before the year ends, own a refrigerator, washing machine, and an oven. Invite people over regularly.
• Invest in the following gadgets only: a decent phone to be used mainly for work/business and a good camera to document stuff.
• Make beautiful things. Practice DIY and crafts. Sew more. Give them away as gifts.
• Stay resourceful. :)
• Stop being such a B. I don't know how exactly, but you'll get there. Remain kind to others. Sometimes you may feel tempted to attack someone because they're not being nice--don't. Remember that everyone's having their own, personal State of Emergency everyday. Lend a hand to friends, it will pay back. Be careful about what comes out of your mouth. Try to be at peace with yourself, avoid saying hurtful words to and about anyone. Be pleasing.
• Look in the mirror more often. Take care of yourself. Buy basic clothes. Pay attention to your hair. It is important to maintain good skin. Wear sunscreen (PLEASE). Again, drink more water.
• Visit your dentist every month! Get those braces removed ASAP! I cannot stress this more.
• Be more involved in your society. You may rarely march the streets or vandalize buildings nowadays, but the problems have not changed since the time you did. If you can't afford to do full-time activism work, get involved culturally at least.

This list makes me want to do a happy dance.

Isang Mabilis na Rant hinggil sa Pakikipagrelasyon

Minsan ayaw ko na lang mag-isip. Gusto ko na lang humawla, putulin ang contact, magpalit ng number, kung pwede lang, e, lumipat ng bahay. Masyado akong mahina para sa ganitong klase ng feelings. Di ko kaya yung constantly caring at incessantly worrying na moda sa buhay. Kaso bawal gumive up any-any kasi kupal daw ang tawag doon.

Pupunta s'ya sa ganito, pupunta sa ganyan, kasama si ganito, kasama si ganyan. E kung matino ba naman 'yung karelasyon mo simula't sapul, e, wala naman talagang problema pero kung pangit ang track record medyo expecting ka ng matindi-tinding pag-re-redeem. At doon pumapasok ang problema. Expectations lead to disappointment. Cliche pero logical.

E 'di 'wag kang mag-expect, 'di ba? 'Yun nga ang sinusubukan kong i-master pero for some reason nag-li-lead lang ako into thinking na, para ba talaga sa 'kin 'to? Minsan kasi naniniwala talaga ako sa utak ko na I deserve something/someone else. Masakit lang din talagang makipaghiwalay. As in literal na masakit sa pagkatao, physiologically. So hindi puso ang may sala, itong utak natin na hard-wired na makaramdam ng sakit kapag may nawawala sa 'tin at/o na-re-reject tayo.

Madalas akong magalit, tapos iisipin kong ayoko na talaga. Sawa na 'ko. Ayoko ng ganitong buhay-pakikipagrelasyon. Gusto ko ng smooth-flowing, hindi sa fairytale-ish pero 'yung alam mo lang sa sarili mo na tama 'yon, 'yung hindi mo kinokontrata 'yung sarili mo. Sarili mo as in personality, upbringing, values. 'Yung hindi mo kailangang, tangina, piliting paniwalain 'yung sarili mo na, okay lang ang lahat, masaya naman kayo, 'di matindi 'yang problema n'yo, lahat dumadaan d'yan, worth it naman 'yan kasi mahal ka n'ya, at higit sa lahat, e ano naman kung ganyan s'ya, at least hindi s'ya nambababae? Ayun na. Don't get me wrong, ano. Masaya ako at naging faithful s'ya, at least physically, sa 'kin, pero why am I supposed to be thankful? 'Di ba dapat given na 'yon?

Mabalik tayo sa pagkontra-kontra sa sarili. Hindi kasi talaga kami magkaintindihan at kahit anong gawin namin, hindi talaga kami magkakaintindihan. Una, dahil lalaki s'ya. Kahit anong sabihin ng kahit na sino, hindi n'ya naranasang matakot na mapagsamantalahan ng taong significantly mas malakas sa kanya, na by the way, hindi lang namin isa, dalawa, tatlo, isangdaang beses naranasang mga babae sa buhay namin. Unless naranasan na ng lalaking ito na magtagal sa kulungan na tamang 'yung mayor/lider ng selda nila, e, trip s'ya. Bukod pa doon, s'ya 'yung tipo ng lalaking na sa paghanap ng partner ang unang tinitignan ng tao ay physical appearance. Kamusta naman ang pressure noon 'di ba? Babae na nga ko't 99% ng objectified, commodified, at standardized na mga bagay sa mundo e nag-co-consist ng kababaihan, patungkol sa kababaihan, parte ng katawan ng kababaihan, at kung anu-ano pang may kinalaman sa kababaihan, tapos eto, eto ang pressure. Napapaligiran s'ya ng magagandang taong alam kong hindi ko kayang pantayan physically at alam ko ring ang tanging pumipigil sa kanyang kumantot ng iba, e, alam n'yang mawawala ako, pero in his mind, it has been done so many times. At dito pumapasok 'yung "at least hindi s'ya nambababae" comments ng mga tao na i-ne-expect yata ng lahat na maging thankful ako.

Pangalawa, magkaiba ang lifestyle at upbringing sa 'min. Wala ako masyadong values pero 'pag tinabi mo 'yung buhay ko sa kanya parang ang dami ko no'n. Dati nung medyo bago-bago pa lang kami sinasabihan n'ya akong masyadong uptight, so 'yun na nga, magkaiba talaga kami. Hindi talaga ako lumaking manginginom at mabarkada. Feeling ko okay naman kasi ako, e, choice kong 'wag masyadong maging maligaya sa buhay. Marami naman na 'kong nasubukan at saksi ang blog na ito (at iba ko pang blogs) dyan pero hindi ako kasing wild ng mga naisusulat ko. Hindi ko lang kasi naitatala 'yung mga araw na sober ako. Ha, ha. Halimbawa ng pagkakaiba namin, eto, hindi ganon ka-literal pero it kind of explains the point, s'ya ay isang musikerong gustong mag-travel, mag-beach, mag-trip sa Amsterdam, ako ay isang talentless na taga-syudad na ayaw umalis ng syudad, gustong magkaanak, mamuhay, tumanda at mamatay sa syudad, the end. Dissimilar interests and life habits? Malaking problema. Pinapa-imagine ko sa kanya minsan na what if ako 'yung musikero na gusto lang mag-wander, hindi nagmamadali sa buhay, lumalabas para uminom with friends nang wala s'ya, what would he feel? Well, hindi n'ya raw ma-imagine. Kamot ulo na lang ako.

Pangatlo, sinasaktan namin ang isa't isa. Masakit kami magsalita kapag galit kami. Nahihila n'ya 'ko, pinipilit, hinahawakan nang mahigpit. Nasapak ko na s'ya, nabato, at nasipa. Tinutulak ko s'ya kapag ayoko s'yang lumapit o tinatanggal ang kamay n'ya kapag galit ako at ayaw magpaamo. Kapag ginagawa ko 'yon lalo lang s'yang lalapit, aasarin ako, hahawakan ng mahigpit, o mag-me-make face. Nagsasagutan kami sa publiko. Nagagalit s'ya kapag umiiyak ako, over daw, ang sensitive ko naman daw. Kapag naman galit s'ya pero wala s'yang nakukuhang reaksyon mula sa 'kin, pino-provoke n'ya 'ko nang i-po-porovoke hanggang sa magalit na ako, tapos doon na babaliktad ang sitwasyon, ako na bigla ang "OA."

Pang-apat, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pero pangit ang relasyon namin sa mga kaibigan ng isa't isa. Okay lang naman ako sa mga kaibigan n'ya pero isa kasi silang malaking factor kung bakit ang bagal n'yang tumanda at hanggang ngayon, e, living like he's 21 pa rin. Tapos sa isang mayabang na lebel naman, minsan tamad lang akong makihalubilo kasi hindi ko sila ma-gets, kasi hindi lang talaga ako ganon, at minsan hindi ko ma-take 'yung yabang nila sa mga buhay nila. Hindi rin ako sumasama sa mga family gatherings nila, same reason. Kilala n'ya halos lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, ang problema naman, e, may mga kaibigan akong nasira ang relasyon ko sa kanila dahil sa kanya. Mahabang kwento. Okay naman ang pamilya ko sa kanya, pero dahil pamilya ko sila pine-pressure lang talaga nila 'ko kasi they're expecting something more from me. Kumbaga, sige, fine, hindi nila kekwestyunin 'yung jowa ko dahil pinili ko na 'yon, pero from time to time, hihirit sila o magtatanong kung ano na bang nangyayari sa buhay ng karelasyon ko. Minsan hihirit ng mabilis ng kung ano bang nakita ko o somewhere along the lines of "you deserve better."

Panglima, paulit-ulit mga problema namin, paiba-iba lang ng version.

Pang-anim, magkaiba talaga kami. Oo, inulit ko lang 'yung pangalawa to emphasize kung gaano ito kahalaga. Oo, naghahanap s'ya ng trabaho, sinasabi n'yang gusto n'yang magkapamilya kasama ako. Well, I'm sure. Pero not in the near future dahil hindi pa s'ya handa magkapamilya, hindi lang financially. Marami pa s'yang gustong gawin at na-se-stress ako na para bang pinapalabas n'yang binabago n'ya ang buhay n'ya para sa 'kin. Sa totoo lang may part sa 'kin na nagagalit dahil parang utang na loob ko pang nagbabago s'ya na parang, "Shut the fuck up, 'wag ka nang puro reklamo, eto na nga, e, ginagawa na 'yung gusto mo, ano pa ba? Pati ba naman 'yung paglabas-labas papakialaman mo pa? Minsan lang naman e." (Syempre 'di n'ya talaga sinabi 'to, it's just how I feel.) Hindi kasi nag-ca-cancel out 'yon. Magkaiba silang issue. Hindi dahil ginagawa 'yung isang bagay, e, that makes it okay na gawin 'yung isa pa dahil lang you've been good sa kabilang aspeto.

Ayoko lang din talagang pinipilit ang mga bagay, meron ngang working things out, pero mararamdaman mo rin kapag masyado nang pilit at hindi na natural para sa inyo pareho. He goes out of his way para lang sa 'kin, pagdating sa pagsundo sa trabaho, pag-aalaga, pagtawag, at kung anu-ano pang boyfriend ka-cheesy-han, at mukhang willing naman s'yang gawin 'yon, pero iba 'yung babaguhin n'ya 'yung life n'ya dahil lang sa 'kin. Gets ko kung gaano kahirap dahil ako man hindi ko kayong baguhin 'yung "values" ko para sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang, sige, manood ka ng porn mo, bumili ka ng men's magazines mo, inom kayo ng friends mo, mag-drugs ka lang dyan, sige, punta ka dagat all you want. Gusto kong ibigay pero hindi talaga ako 'yon and I think he deserves someone who he can be genuinely happy with, na susuportahan s'ya sa mga trip n'ya, hindi mag-ro-roll ng eyes kapag nag-share n'ya 'yung mga plano n'ya or mas okay, hindi n'ya na kakailanganing mag-share ng mga plano n'ya, tamang it will just come naturally. 'yung taong tatawa kapag kinwento n'ya 'yung night out n'ya, 'yung hindi s'ya sasabihang mataba at ipagluluto pa s'ya, 'yung uuwi sa Puerto Princesa kasama n'ya, pupunta sa family gatherings, at makikihalubilo sa mga kaibigan n'ya, ipagsusulat s'ya ng tula, bibigyan s'ya ng masahe kapag pagod s'ya, papanoorin gigs nila ng banda n'ya, magpaplano ng future kasama s'ya. Dati masasabi ko pang ganito ako or at least kaya kong gawin ang mga 'to para sa kanya, pero wala, e, hindi ko na maalala kun kailan tumigil 'yung feeling na 'yon.

I can never be that person again, and the thought hurts me. Dahil alam kong unfair na hindi ko na maibibigay 'yon sa kanya. Nagbago na 'ko ang that's that.

No, No, No Noche Buena

I think this is the first time we're not having Noche Buena. I found out just now. My sister and I waited eagerly. We've gotten so used to it that not having it wasn't an option. This is weird. Should I go to sleep now?

Neither Here nor There: The I-Was-Supposed-to-Post Post

I want to know what you're thinking. What you're really thinking. And feeling. Not what you think you should tell me or what you think I want to hear or what you think is the proper thing to say. I'm sorry if I'm not good with criticisms, but I still want/need to know.

---

Things you do probably do not care about but I would want to write down just for the sake of remembering:

-Saw Hobbit in 3D. The first LOTR film I've ever seen!

-Me and Orson Welles. <3

-Finally unfriended L on Facebook. This may seem shallow but I really do feel relieved.

-Been playing The Last Stand: Dead Zone. Ugh, I'm hooked.

-Just got my period = not pregnant. I half-hoped I was.

-I plan to attend Malasimbo again next year. Need to start saving up.

-I will start working a full-time home-based job on January 1st. I haven't quite figured out how I will make this work as I have no workspace and my laptop's keyboard is broken. I can't work on my desktop because I just can't. Also, I need to buy new eyeglasses. Hello, eyestrain.

-I wish I'd still be able to go to the museum regularly despite this new job.

-I NEED A SMART PHONE.

-I'm excited to eat at Van Gogh is Bipolar with C! I'll probably cry. Teehee.

-Family's day out tomorrow.

-Speaking of family, my mom's brother's ex-wife is now my dad's brother's girlfriend/live-in partner/baby mama. WTF RIGHT?

-I haven't bought gifts for my siblings and parents yet. THE MALLS ARE INSANE SO I'M SORRY. I'll give them something on the New Year instead. Maybe. Mwahaha!

-That alpha male director's film sucked, they said. MWAHAHA!

-I miss going out with my friends but at the same time, I can't be bothered.

-I NEED NEW EYEGLASSES.

-I NEED TO VISIT MY DENTIST.

-Can't think of anything else right now.

Blog: Oh, hi there. Finally, you're blogging. *hands me a cigarette*

Me: No, thanks. Sorry, I was kind of preoccupied--

Blog: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. *lights cigarette*

*huffs*

*puffs*

Silence.

Blog: So, what do you want to write about?

Me: I'm thinking of starting a new blog. A public one.

Blog: Well, why don't you go ahead and start one now?

Me: My hands are still pretty full right now so...

Blog: M-hmm. So when do you plan on starting it? You've been forgetting a lot of things you know, not writing them down.

Me: I'm not sure. But I've got a pretty good idea for this one.

Blog: Like you did for me and for the others, a long time ago.

Silence.

Me: So, uhm, anyway, yesterday, Koko watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time.

Blog: Well, that's not entirely true, he watched half of it. Why would you even want to tell me that? Let him watch the entire movie then you tell me about it.

Me: Uhm, okay. Today I learned about neuroesthetics. Well, sort of. At least I got an idea on what it's about. My colleague talked about it today, in her presentation.

Blog: Well, that's pretty interesting.

Me: Yeah, it is. But I'm not sure I believe in it in its entirety. Anyway, I also had fun goofing off with my friends at the museum today. It's the first time I've felt comfortable at making fun of myself in a while.

Blog: What did you guys do?

Me: Sang, danced, for almost an hour in front of this exhibit that plays different songs, not caring about the museum visitors passing by.

Blog: I'm happy that you are starting to feel comfortable about yourself and being around other people-- new people.

Me: It was really a lot of fun. I also ate caviar for the first time today. It tasted like galunggong.

Blog: Did it, really?

Me: At least that's what my friend described it to be. I thought it tasted salty and yes, fish-like.

Blog: What else did you have today?

Me: Omelette, Jollibee burger, baby back ribs and roast beef with C. I also ate mangga-aligue for the first time today. I loved it.

Blog: Damn, that sounds good!

Me: It is.

Blog: Mm-hmm.

Silence.

Me: Well, I guess that's all for now.

Blog: What about the other stuff you've been busy with?

Me: Don't want to talk about them, really.

Blog: I see. You're looking positive.

Me: Thanks.

Blog: Alright then. See you tomorrow?

Me: Uh...

Blog: Fine. See you when I see you.

Me: Bye for now.

Blog: Yep.

Another Job Interview

And another one... and another. It's an endless cycle.

I'm so tired I just want to get a, then again, high-paying robotic job. Pfft, no. I'm not that far down the hill yet.

Nothing Worth Reading

It's almost the end of the long weekend and I still haven't accomplished anything. For the past few days I have found myself wanting more practically impractical things, watching more useless crap, and surfing more brain-frying webpages.

1. I've been searching for the best phone to buy. I've been using my cheap ass phone for more than a year for a lot of reasons. Mainly because I'm not a great cellphone owner. I mindlessly lose it, intentionally or unintentionally break it, or sometimes I'm just unlucky enough to get robbed. (I owned 5 phones just last year, if you must know.) But I eventually need to succumb to the petite bourgeois societal demands of having a proper (meaning "smart") phone. I need to schedule meetings, take notes, handle my media content, access my email anytime, anywhere, blah, blah, and blah.

This is how I arrived to the Nokia Lumia 800, the model is a year old so it's relatively cheap. (Plus, Lumia 900 just came out.) I'd love to have an S3 or an iPhone but I don't have the budget and really, I don't need much, I just need something to get me going for the next two years (if it manages to last that long in my hands, even.)

2. I've seen the entire first season of Louie, and boy, was it good. I've been meaning to watch it for so long but I've never really bothered to. It's witty, entertaining, and most importantly, short enough. Somebody's got an attention span problem and she's sorry.

What I really like about Louis C.K., aside from making me laugh out loud (which is quite a feat) is that he is his own boss. He created, wrote, directed, produced, and edited his own show, and he had the guts to. He even produces his own live acts. No middlemen and agencies to exploit people. You buy show tickets directly from his website so the tickets are cheaper. He's great, smart, and his TV show is A+.

3. There isn't a lot of things to like about the new TV show, Revolution. The premise is interesting but it scores low on a lot of technical aspects. So until I hear that the plot, editing, production design, and acting--basically everything--has improved, I'll pass.

3. When I'm not watching something, I'm wasting my time with StumbleUpon. Enough said.

4. I want a lot of things for my Xbox, extra hard drive, new games, and Microsoft Points.

5. I want to bake cookies, cupcakes, cakes, and just about everything decadent that can be made through an oven for the holidays. I want to print shirts too. And make stuffed animals. Or try out DIY beauty stuff.

See how I've become superficial? I disappoint myself.

Siddenly, I got nothing to say.

I just feel like I have to say something after that's everything that's happened the past weeks.

I quit my last film project.

Our event didn't push through.

And our short film didn't make it to the screening.

I wanted to just quit after everything that's happened. Surrender to that feeling, to that void. Get a robotic job and do what I do best, escape.

I still have to deliver with the event. We are bound by a contract and I am the signatory. I honestly don't know what to do as we don't have a revolving fund. But that's not even the big problem. The real problem here is I'm not really in the condition to troubleshoot. Given our team composition and our resources, I am the only one willing (I wouldn't say capable) to find ways for this project to actualize.

I don't feel secure because I don't have a plan. I am scared of what happens tomorrow, the day after that, and next week.

I don't know if I'm going to get a job and if I do get a job, how will I head this project?

What will happen next month? Next year? I want to get a job not mainly to earn, but to learn. But things are happening so fast I don't know if I can afford it.

---

Things between me and C are, well, same as usual, I guess. He still loves me, I know he does. I just really think I need a break. WE need a break. I'm just so tired of constantly being on my toes that I have become impatient about everything. It feels like everything that we did to each other since the start of this relationship is taking its toll that even the littlest things drives me crazy. Everything he does that annoy me, even for a bit, makes me remember things that he's done long ago that should have been already forgotten. I feel like he doesn't learn from his mistakes. I feel like I have to constantly watch over him, reprimand him if he does something wrong, push him to move, act, do something, console him when he's feeling down. Things that I need to.

I know that he supports me 100% but I can't feel it because I don't think he's strong enough to support me. There is no sense of security even though he reassures me that I'm going to be fine because it's just not believable coming from him. I don't mean security in the common sense of the word, but just the feeling of having a friend beside you when everything goes downhill. I know he's always beside me but he's more messed up than I am so... there.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising my own boyfriend. I know that in a relationship both have to take care of each other, both have to work on it, and both have to make way for each other. Now the question that I've had for quite some time now, does this mean that I'm not ready for a relationship? Because if I'm no longer willing to do the dirty work then it's unfair to my partner. Sometimes I just feel that I've been doing the dirty work for so long I've gotten tired of it.

Since last year, the only time I can say that we're really okay are the times when he was taking care of me. I don't want to be the kind of person who stays in a relationship for convenience. I don't want to stay spoiled. I wasn't even like this before, I was a complete control freak who wouldn't let anyone take care of me. My ex spoiled me too, and that ruined it for us. He created a monster out of me and I don't want that to happen again.

I will wait for him though. I will help him become a better person, stand beside him while he grows. I just hope he doesn't lose me in the process. I really can't say that he won't.

----

I need to get myself together.

In other news

I am more relaxed now. I no longer fidget in my sleep, dreaming about work. I no longer wake up in a state of panic, thinking about the tasks I need to get done for the day.

I've been relaxed for a week, a full week. AND IT FEELS GOOD.

I know I'd have to get back on the daily program soon enough

and I can't wait.

October: On Alpha Male Film Directors

August was so good to me I expected September to be the same. And it was pretty much okay. There were problems that made me want to go on a road rage and a mass killing spree but I managed through all of them. It was October that ruined it for me.

It was on October 2 (technically, October 3, at around 2 or 3 a.m.) when the director of the film I had been working on pushed me, as in LITERALLY PUSHED ME. He's a big, fat alpha male, in case you're wondering.

It sucked. It really did. I can't even-- I'd like to think that we had a good relationship. He wanted to teach me Production Design and though it has never been included in my plans, why pass up an opportunity to learn, right? I'd also like to think that he was content and, I can even say, impressed with how our team was working until blah blah blah blah internal issue with a co-worker blah blah  I don't even want to start. The story's too long for this blog post and for your attention span.

So one shooting day, everyone was tired and exhausted for not getting enough sleep for weeks on end when communication between departments and key persons became unsystematic and confusing, which isn't really something that is new on this project. Fast forward past the shouting and running and blaming, I hurried down to the set and saw our director about to punch one of the talents. Around that time, most of the staff thought that the delay was my fault. So the director looked at my direction, pointing at me, shouting curses and yelling, and cursing, and yelling! I gave no response. I was just there, poker-faced and all. I didn't really care. I thought, Oh, he's just angry, he just needs to let it all out. He'll be alright. I was on that trail of though when he decided to ATTACK me, and PUSH me. He just pushed me, his right hand on my right shoulder, for about five steps forward while I just kept stepping back. Apparently not satisfied, with his left hand (still pushing me with his right), he took the Monobloc chair behind him and threw it next to me.

And that concludes my career in Costume Design and Production Design, stripping me of any chance of going to Berlinale. Thank you very much.

That's one goal in life I don't have to get confused about anymore. Less options, less dilemmas, less problems. I'd like to think positive and see this as a sign to just pursue my own projects instead of working for other people for theirs. Isn't that a good way of looking at it? Reality though, it still sucks.

Dilemma 2012

It's that time of the year again! When I'm forced to choose between projects.

Either I do this major film (MMFF-major) or I put all my time and effort to my event or I apply for this  pretty decent full-time job (which I'd actually like to have). Not to mention I have a planned Palawan trip with C.

ANG HIRAP. Why must this always happen? Can't projects distribute themselves throughout the year? Why does it all have to happen at the same time?

Fighting

I guess this is the universe cutting me some slack. I wanted to see Gym Class Heroes so (SOOOOOOO) bad.

As you know, I am currently starving and trying to be an artist so getting ahold of a ticket was beyond me that I resigned myself to the idea of spending the night of August 16th working my ass off. Still, one has to find ways. This is the first time I joined an online contest and ta-dah! I actually won something in my life! The show was-- I CAN'T EVEN.

I needed tonight so badly. I just wish it could have lasted longer.

http://instagram.com/p/OZJ2kWTSFf/

photo cred: @marcdejesus

And now back to the real world. A Manila without Gym Class Heroes. I'm grateful they sent out so much good vibes I think it will get me through all of these... things. Family hug what uppppppp.

Much love.

Darna

Friend: alam mo yung superwoman. understudy ka ba nya?
Me: Wonder Woman yata 'yun 'te.
Friend: ikaw na pareho mehn. superman pati!

Ayokong ako rin si Superman. Gusto ko rin ng partner. Or partners, gusto mo 'yon?

Hello World Nakakapagod Ka Na

Pagod na pagod na ako. Lerdddddd. Haaay. Gusto kong ma-comfort. Gusto kong mayakap. Ang daming gawain. Gusto ko ng GVs kausap. Ayoko na ng kahit anong bagahe. Gusto ko ng fresh. Gusto ko ng smileys and good mornings. Ayoko na maging counselor sa lahat ng mga tao. Gusto ko ng movie buddy. Gusto ko ng ka-one bottle. Ayoko na ng constantly kinakabahan sa lahat ng mga bagay. Gusto ko ng steady. Gusto ko ng rabbit hole. AYOKO NAAAAAAAA.

This Is How You Get Down on a Friday

• We've finally found a location for the shoot on Sunday.
• I'll be plugging my event on TV soon.
• C bought us tickets to Palawan for Aug 27-31

There's a lot more I want to say and there are a lot of stories to tell but I'm just too tired. I just hope it remains this steady for the rest of the month.

PLEASE.

Hello World It's My Birthday Month

Today was full of surprises--a mishmash of things both good and bad.

Like the weather. The weather was awful! One moment it's sunny and the next it's raining hard with buhawi-like wind.

HEMINGWAY. The bus company whose bus and bus terminal we were trying to ask permission from for my friend's film turned us down. The shoot is on Sunday so... SOMEBODY CHECK MY STRESS LEVELS PLEASE.

I got compliments from one of my event sponsors today! He said that my proposal was done very well, with a lot of effort put in it. Wait, is that a compliment or is that another way of saying I went over the top? At least he was willing to sponsor a bulk of our shoot equipment. YES!

Then the main staff, there are four of us (YES, JUST FOUR OF US), went to meet; had dinner and a bottle. There were a lot of things to talk about. STRESS LEVELS AGAIN, SOMEONE CHECK PLEASE. But it felt good. It always feels good when you're starting to feel demoralized about your work then suddenly you realize that you're not alone in what you're doing, and you have people around you to go to for help. I'm a fan of collective action. LET'S GO, TEAM!

Then I waited for a bus under the cruel night sky... for a long time. I CURSE THE HEAVENS.

I got home. Bestfriend informed me of Piso Fare. Booked myself and C for a Puerto Princesa trip at the end of August. I don't know where I will scrounge for the 678.08 I need for the ticket. I just thought it would be a nice birthday gift for myself. Hell, I need a getaway, don't you agree? EXCUSE ME WHILE I ROB A SARI-SARI STORE.

C informed me that a director we recently worked with hasn't started on his next film yet. YES, OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT MYSELF AS THE NEXT BEST WARDROBE PERSON! But, I don't know, I really don't know. HAHAHAHAHA

I'm fukken sleepy. I have to wake up in four hours. AIN'T LIFE GRAND?

Little Things

Well, it wasn't as productive as it should have been. I was supposed to do things for this thesis of my friend but laziness got ahead of me. Well, hello? It was freaking raining the whole day. Not to mention the buhawi-like wind.

So I just went with C to a film workshop where I met his friend. A just-another-aspiring-filmmaker. Okay, I'm mean.

After that, we watched The Animals at the university's film theater with friends. The movie wasn't good. It's okay technically, but the substance was lost in the midst of it all.

Oh and.

There was this one scene where Jake, having fun and lost in the moment, was dancing suggestively with a girl at a party that he's hosting. Then his girlfriend Trina saw them and got upset.

C said that Jake and the girl wasn't even doing anything malicious. I held my breath. Why would he think that? Why would he think that dancing with another girl (a stranger to his girlfriend) at a party is not considered malicious? Of course when I asked him later he said that he was just referring to the shot. That the shot was poorly made. That they could have made the act more obvious, or as I understand it, exaggerated. 

"Exaggerated" because what they did in the shot was all the scene needed. Jake and the girl didn't need to make out. That would have been out of Jake's character. I don't understand. Did C judge the scene wrongly or does he just think that way? God, he really does think that there's nothing wrong with dancing with another girl?

These things. These little things.

God, what will I do?

Hanggang Kailan

Hindi ko alam kung may pagka-masokista ba ako, sadyang mabait lang, o isang malaking tanga. Sinasabi ng karelasyon ko palagi na hindi ko dapat iniintindi ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. Paano kung nakikita kong genuinely concerned lang talaga ang ibang tao? Hindi ba sila naman ang nakikita in a broader sense at mas objectively sa nangyayari sa buhay ko? Paano kung sinasabi nilang masyado na akong nahihirapan at na-ho-hold back, and at the same time 'yon din naman ang nararamdaman ko talaga? Makikinig pa rin ba ako sa karelasyon ko na mag-focus sa positive? Paano kung nahihirapan na talaga ako? 'Yung totoo talaga? Paano ko ipapaliwanag sa karelasyon ko? Paano ko sasabihing hindi sapat ang pag-ibig? Na hindi sapat ang paglalambingan, pagyayakapan, at paghaharutan para masabing masigla ang isang relasyon? Paano ko pilit ipapaliwanag ang mga bagay na hindi naman n'ya pinaniniwalaan? Paano pa ako magpapaliwanag kung paulit-ulit na ang mga paliwanag?