Neither Here nor There: The I-Was-Supposed-to-Post Post

I want to know what you're thinking. What you're really thinking. And feeling. Not what you think you should tell me or what you think I want to hear or what you think is the proper thing to say. I'm sorry if I'm not good with criticisms, but I still want/need to know.

---

Things you do probably do not care about but I would want to write down just for the sake of remembering:

-Saw Hobbit in 3D. The first LOTR film I've ever seen!

-Me and Orson Welles. <3

-Finally unfriended L on Facebook. This may seem shallow but I really do feel relieved.

-Been playing The Last Stand: Dead Zone. Ugh, I'm hooked.

-Just got my period = not pregnant. I half-hoped I was.

-I plan to attend Malasimbo again next year. Need to start saving up.

-I will start working a full-time home-based job on January 1st. I haven't quite figured out how I will make this work as I have no workspace and my laptop's keyboard is broken. I can't work on my desktop because I just can't. Also, I need to buy new eyeglasses. Hello, eyestrain.

-I wish I'd still be able to go to the museum regularly despite this new job.

-I NEED A SMART PHONE.

-I'm excited to eat at Van Gogh is Bipolar with C! I'll probably cry. Teehee.

-Family's day out tomorrow.

-Speaking of family, my mom's brother's ex-wife is now my dad's brother's girlfriend/live-in partner/baby mama. WTF RIGHT?

-I haven't bought gifts for my siblings and parents yet. THE MALLS ARE INSANE SO I'M SORRY. I'll give them something on the New Year instead. Maybe. Mwahaha!

-That alpha male director's film sucked, they said. MWAHAHA!

-I miss going out with my friends but at the same time, I can't be bothered.

-I NEED NEW EYEGLASSES.

-I NEED TO VISIT MY DENTIST.

-Can't think of anything else right now.

Blog: Oh, hi there. Finally, you're blogging. *hands me a cigarette*

Me: No, thanks. Sorry, I was kind of preoccupied--

Blog: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. *lights cigarette*

*huffs*

*puffs*

Silence.

Blog: So, what do you want to write about?

Me: I'm thinking of starting a new blog. A public one.

Blog: Well, why don't you go ahead and start one now?

Me: My hands are still pretty full right now so...

Blog: M-hmm. So when do you plan on starting it? You've been forgetting a lot of things you know, not writing them down.

Me: I'm not sure. But I've got a pretty good idea for this one.

Blog: Like you did for me and for the others, a long time ago.

Silence.

Me: So, uhm, anyway, yesterday, Koko watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time.

Blog: Well, that's not entirely true, he watched half of it. Why would you even want to tell me that? Let him watch the entire movie then you tell me about it.

Me: Uhm, okay. Today I learned about neuroesthetics. Well, sort of. At least I got an idea on what it's about. My colleague talked about it today, in her presentation.

Blog: Well, that's pretty interesting.

Me: Yeah, it is. But I'm not sure I believe in it in its entirety. Anyway, I also had fun goofing off with my friends at the museum today. It's the first time I've felt comfortable at making fun of myself in a while.

Blog: What did you guys do?

Me: Sang, danced, for almost an hour in front of this exhibit that plays different songs, not caring about the museum visitors passing by.

Blog: I'm happy that you are starting to feel comfortable about yourself and being around other people-- new people.

Me: It was really a lot of fun. I also ate caviar for the first time today. It tasted like galunggong.

Blog: Did it, really?

Me: At least that's what my friend described it to be. I thought it tasted salty and yes, fish-like.

Blog: What else did you have today?

Me: Omelette, Jollibee burger, baby back ribs and roast beef with C. I also ate mangga-aligue for the first time today. I loved it.

Blog: Damn, that sounds good!

Me: It is.

Blog: Mm-hmm.

Silence.

Me: Well, I guess that's all for now.

Blog: What about the other stuff you've been busy with?

Me: Don't want to talk about them, really.

Blog: I see. You're looking positive.

Me: Thanks.

Blog: Alright then. See you tomorrow?

Me: Uh...

Blog: Fine. See you when I see you.

Me: Bye for now.

Blog: Yep.

Another Job Interview

And another one... and another. It's an endless cycle.

I'm so tired I just want to get a, then again, high-paying robotic job. Pfft, no. I'm not that far down the hill yet.

Nothing Worth Reading

It's almost the end of the long weekend and I still haven't accomplished anything. For the past few days I have found myself wanting more practically impractical things, watching more useless crap, and surfing more brain-frying webpages.

1. I've been searching for the best phone to buy. I've been using my cheap ass phone for more than a year for a lot of reasons. Mainly because I'm not a great cellphone owner. I mindlessly lose it, intentionally or unintentionally break it, or sometimes I'm just unlucky enough to get robbed. (I owned 5 phones just last year, if you must know.) But I eventually need to succumb to the petite bourgeois societal demands of having a proper (meaning "smart") phone. I need to schedule meetings, take notes, handle my media content, access my email anytime, anywhere, blah, blah, and blah.

This is how I arrived to the Nokia Lumia 800, the model is a year old so it's relatively cheap. (Plus, Lumia 900 just came out.) I'd love to have an S3 or an iPhone but I don't have the budget and really, I don't need much, I just need something to get me going for the next two years (if it manages to last that long in my hands, even.)

2. I've seen the entire first season of Louie, and boy, was it good. I've been meaning to watch it for so long but I've never really bothered to. It's witty, entertaining, and most importantly, short enough. Somebody's got an attention span problem and she's sorry.

What I really like about Louis C.K., aside from making me laugh out loud (which is quite a feat) is that he is his own boss. He created, wrote, directed, produced, and edited his own show, and he had the guts to. He even produces his own live acts. No middlemen and agencies to exploit people. You buy show tickets directly from his website so the tickets are cheaper. He's great, smart, and his TV show is A+.

3. There isn't a lot of things to like about the new TV show, Revolution. The premise is interesting but it scores low on a lot of technical aspects. So until I hear that the plot, editing, production design, and acting--basically everything--has improved, I'll pass.

3. When I'm not watching something, I'm wasting my time with StumbleUpon. Enough said.

4. I want a lot of things for my Xbox, extra hard drive, new games, and Microsoft Points.

5. I want to bake cookies, cupcakes, cakes, and just about everything decadent that can be made through an oven for the holidays. I want to print shirts too. And make stuffed animals. Or try out DIY beauty stuff.

See how I've become superficial? I disappoint myself.

Siddenly, I got nothing to say.

I just feel like I have to say something after that's everything that's happened the past weeks.

I quit my last film project.

Our event didn't push through.

And our short film didn't make it to the screening.

I wanted to just quit after everything that's happened. Surrender to that feeling, to that void. Get a robotic job and do what I do best, escape.

I still have to deliver with the event. We are bound by a contract and I am the signatory. I honestly don't know what to do as we don't have a revolving fund. But that's not even the big problem. The real problem here is I'm not really in the condition to troubleshoot. Given our team composition and our resources, I am the only one willing (I wouldn't say capable) to find ways for this project to actualize.

I don't feel secure because I don't have a plan. I am scared of what happens tomorrow, the day after that, and next week.

I don't know if I'm going to get a job and if I do get a job, how will I head this project?

What will happen next month? Next year? I want to get a job not mainly to earn, but to learn. But things are happening so fast I don't know if I can afford it.

---

Things between me and C are, well, same as usual, I guess. He still loves me, I know he does. I just really think I need a break. WE need a break. I'm just so tired of constantly being on my toes that I have become impatient about everything. It feels like everything that we did to each other since the start of this relationship is taking its toll that even the littlest things drives me crazy. Everything he does that annoy me, even for a bit, makes me remember things that he's done long ago that should have been already forgotten. I feel like he doesn't learn from his mistakes. I feel like I have to constantly watch over him, reprimand him if he does something wrong, push him to move, act, do something, console him when he's feeling down. Things that I need to.

I know that he supports me 100% but I can't feel it because I don't think he's strong enough to support me. There is no sense of security even though he reassures me that I'm going to be fine because it's just not believable coming from him. I don't mean security in the common sense of the word, but just the feeling of having a friend beside you when everything goes downhill. I know he's always beside me but he's more messed up than I am so... there.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising my own boyfriend. I know that in a relationship both have to take care of each other, both have to work on it, and both have to make way for each other. Now the question that I've had for quite some time now, does this mean that I'm not ready for a relationship? Because if I'm no longer willing to do the dirty work then it's unfair to my partner. Sometimes I just feel that I've been doing the dirty work for so long I've gotten tired of it.

Since last year, the only time I can say that we're really okay are the times when he was taking care of me. I don't want to be the kind of person who stays in a relationship for convenience. I don't want to stay spoiled. I wasn't even like this before, I was a complete control freak who wouldn't let anyone take care of me. My ex spoiled me too, and that ruined it for us. He created a monster out of me and I don't want that to happen again.

I will wait for him though. I will help him become a better person, stand beside him while he grows. I just hope he doesn't lose me in the process. I really can't say that he won't.

----

I need to get myself together.

In other news

I am more relaxed now. I no longer fidget in my sleep, dreaming about work. I no longer wake up in a state of panic, thinking about the tasks I need to get done for the day.

I've been relaxed for a week, a full week. AND IT FEELS GOOD.

I know I'd have to get back on the daily program soon enough

and I can't wait.

October: On Alpha Male Film Directors

August was so good to me I expected September to be the same. And it was pretty much okay. There were problems that made me want to go on a road rage and a mass killing spree but I managed through all of them. It was October that ruined it for me.

It was on October 2 (technically, October 3, at around 2 or 3 a.m.) when the director of the film I had been working on pushed me, as in LITERALLY PUSHED ME. He's a big, fat alpha male, in case you're wondering.

It sucked. It really did. I can't even-- I'd like to think that we had a good relationship. He wanted to teach me Production Design and though it has never been included in my plans, why pass up an opportunity to learn, right? I'd also like to think that he was content and, I can even say, impressed with how our team was working until blah blah blah blah internal issue with a co-worker blah blah  I don't even want to start. The story's too long for this blog post and for your attention span.

So one shooting day, everyone was tired and exhausted for not getting enough sleep for weeks on end when communication between departments and key persons became unsystematic and confusing, which isn't really something that is new on this project. Fast forward past the shouting and running and blaming, I hurried down to the set and saw our director about to punch one of the talents. Around that time, most of the staff thought that the delay was my fault. So the director looked at my direction, pointing at me, shouting curses and yelling, and cursing, and yelling! I gave no response. I was just there, poker-faced and all. I didn't really care. I thought, Oh, he's just angry, he just needs to let it all out. He'll be alright. I was on that trail of though when he decided to ATTACK me, and PUSH me. He just pushed me, his right hand on my right shoulder, for about five steps forward while I just kept stepping back. Apparently not satisfied, with his left hand (still pushing me with his right), he took the Monobloc chair behind him and threw it next to me.

And that concludes my career in Costume Design and Production Design, stripping me of any chance of going to Berlinale. Thank you very much.

That's one goal in life I don't have to get confused about anymore. Less options, less dilemmas, less problems. I'd like to think positive and see this as a sign to just pursue my own projects instead of working for other people for theirs. Isn't that a good way of looking at it? Reality though, it still sucks.

Dilemma 2012

It's that time of the year again! When I'm forced to choose between projects.

Either I do this major film (MMFF-major) or I put all my time and effort to my event or I apply for this  pretty decent full-time job (which I'd actually like to have). Not to mention I have a planned Palawan trip with C.

ANG HIRAP. Why must this always happen? Can't projects distribute themselves throughout the year? Why does it all have to happen at the same time?

Fighting

I guess this is the universe cutting me some slack. I wanted to see Gym Class Heroes so (SOOOOOOO) bad.

As you know, I am currently starving and trying to be an artist so getting ahold of a ticket was beyond me that I resigned myself to the idea of spending the night of August 16th working my ass off. Still, one has to find ways. This is the first time I joined an online contest and ta-dah! I actually won something in my life! The show was-- I CAN'T EVEN.

I needed tonight so badly. I just wish it could have lasted longer.

http://instagram.com/p/OZJ2kWTSFf/

photo cred: @marcdejesus

And now back to the real world. A Manila without Gym Class Heroes. I'm grateful they sent out so much good vibes I think it will get me through all of these... things. Family hug what uppppppp.

Much love.

Darna

Friend: alam mo yung superwoman. understudy ka ba nya?
Me: Wonder Woman yata 'yun 'te.
Friend: ikaw na pareho mehn. superman pati!

Ayokong ako rin si Superman. Gusto ko rin ng partner. Or partners, gusto mo 'yon?

Hello World Nakakapagod Ka Na

Pagod na pagod na ako. Lerdddddd. Haaay. Gusto kong ma-comfort. Gusto kong mayakap. Ang daming gawain. Gusto ko ng GVs kausap. Ayoko na ng kahit anong bagahe. Gusto ko ng fresh. Gusto ko ng smileys and good mornings. Ayoko na maging counselor sa lahat ng mga tao. Gusto ko ng movie buddy. Gusto ko ng ka-one bottle. Ayoko na ng constantly kinakabahan sa lahat ng mga bagay. Gusto ko ng steady. Gusto ko ng rabbit hole. AYOKO NAAAAAAAA.

This Is How You Get Down on a Friday

• We've finally found a location for the shoot on Sunday.
• I'll be plugging my event on TV soon.
• C bought us tickets to Palawan for Aug 27-31

There's a lot more I want to say and there are a lot of stories to tell but I'm just too tired. I just hope it remains this steady for the rest of the month.

PLEASE.

Hello World It's My Birthday Month

Today was full of surprises--a mishmash of things both good and bad.

Like the weather. The weather was awful! One moment it's sunny and the next it's raining hard with buhawi-like wind.

HEMINGWAY. The bus company whose bus and bus terminal we were trying to ask permission from for my friend's film turned us down. The shoot is on Sunday so... SOMEBODY CHECK MY STRESS LEVELS PLEASE.

I got compliments from one of my event sponsors today! He said that my proposal was done very well, with a lot of effort put in it. Wait, is that a compliment or is that another way of saying I went over the top? At least he was willing to sponsor a bulk of our shoot equipment. YES!

Then the main staff, there are four of us (YES, JUST FOUR OF US), went to meet; had dinner and a bottle. There were a lot of things to talk about. STRESS LEVELS AGAIN, SOMEONE CHECK PLEASE. But it felt good. It always feels good when you're starting to feel demoralized about your work then suddenly you realize that you're not alone in what you're doing, and you have people around you to go to for help. I'm a fan of collective action. LET'S GO, TEAM!

Then I waited for a bus under the cruel night sky... for a long time. I CURSE THE HEAVENS.

I got home. Bestfriend informed me of Piso Fare. Booked myself and C for a Puerto Princesa trip at the end of August. I don't know where I will scrounge for the 678.08 I need for the ticket. I just thought it would be a nice birthday gift for myself. Hell, I need a getaway, don't you agree? EXCUSE ME WHILE I ROB A SARI-SARI STORE.

C informed me that a director we recently worked with hasn't started on his next film yet. YES, OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT MYSELF AS THE NEXT BEST WARDROBE PERSON! But, I don't know, I really don't know. HAHAHAHAHA

I'm fukken sleepy. I have to wake up in four hours. AIN'T LIFE GRAND?

Little Things

Well, it wasn't as productive as it should have been. I was supposed to do things for this thesis of my friend but laziness got ahead of me. Well, hello? It was freaking raining the whole day. Not to mention the buhawi-like wind.

So I just went with C to a film workshop where I met his friend. A just-another-aspiring-filmmaker. Okay, I'm mean.

After that, we watched The Animals at the university's film theater with friends. The movie wasn't good. It's okay technically, but the substance was lost in the midst of it all.

Oh and.

There was this one scene where Jake, having fun and lost in the moment, was dancing suggestively with a girl at a party that he's hosting. Then his girlfriend Trina saw them and got upset.

C said that Jake and the girl wasn't even doing anything malicious. I held my breath. Why would he think that? Why would he think that dancing with another girl (a stranger to his girlfriend) at a party is not considered malicious? Of course when I asked him later he said that he was just referring to the shot. That the shot was poorly made. That they could have made the act more obvious, or as I understand it, exaggerated. 

"Exaggerated" because what they did in the shot was all the scene needed. Jake and the girl didn't need to make out. That would have been out of Jake's character. I don't understand. Did C judge the scene wrongly or does he just think that way? God, he really does think that there's nothing wrong with dancing with another girl?

These things. These little things.

God, what will I do?

Hanggang Kailan

Hindi ko alam kung may pagka-masokista ba ako, sadyang mabait lang, o isang malaking tanga. Sinasabi ng karelasyon ko palagi na hindi ko dapat iniintindi ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. Paano kung nakikita kong genuinely concerned lang talaga ang ibang tao? Hindi ba sila naman ang nakikita in a broader sense at mas objectively sa nangyayari sa buhay ko? Paano kung sinasabi nilang masyado na akong nahihirapan at na-ho-hold back, and at the same time 'yon din naman ang nararamdaman ko talaga? Makikinig pa rin ba ako sa karelasyon ko na mag-focus sa positive? Paano kung nahihirapan na talaga ako? 'Yung totoo talaga? Paano ko ipapaliwanag sa karelasyon ko? Paano ko sasabihing hindi sapat ang pag-ibig? Na hindi sapat ang paglalambingan, pagyayakapan, at paghaharutan para masabing masigla ang isang relasyon? Paano ko pilit ipapaliwanag ang mga bagay na hindi naman n'ya pinaniniwalaan? Paano pa ako magpapaliwanag kung paulit-ulit na ang mga paliwanag?

For Personal Use

Since I am a person who needs to write her thoughts down in order to make sense of things, I have to take a step back for a while and write this. It helps to pretend that I'm talking to someone.

I am currently line producing a friend's film thesis and we weren't able to produce enough money for the film for reasons irrelevant to this post and, therefore, I do not need to mention. Last week, I initiated to organize a fund-raising gig for the film and of course, being myself, I did it alone.

We are two weeks away from the first shooting day (August 5) and I still haven't found any individual/org/company that's willing to sponsor the band equipment for the event. Of course I can move the event to a bar, but that wouldn't solve a thing because I would still need to pay the bar. Or I can look for a venue that has band equipment but would be willing to let us use the place for free or with minimal "bar guarantee."

Option 1:

Push through with the event on August 2

Move the event to a bar w/ available band equipment

Look for a bar with minimal "bar guarantee"

Entrance fee of P150

Option 2:

Move the event until after the shoot

Proceed with original plan of an open area

Market drink sponsors, equipment sponsors, merchandise sponsors, etc.

Free entrance

(Downside: No cash produced for the shoot)

I can't think of any other options right now.

I don't know how to open this problem to the film's crew since everyone's busy with their own tasks. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

So far, I need to do the following things for this film:

-coordinate for location hunt

-contact this certain NGO for possibility of a tie-up

-contact SILIP

-contact MC

-look for catering sponsor

-look for transportation sponsor

-look for band equipment

-media partners

-follow up on solicitations

Okay, now that that's settled in my brain. I also need to market the other webseries project with another group.

-list of funding institutions with deadlines this month and the next

-compile requirements for grant requests 

I'll deal with third project "later part in life."

Sorry, I just needed this written down. Sigh.

Hi Internet,

I suck. On Friday nights like this you're my only social life. And I mean you and only you. I don't even talk to people online. Well, it's not like there's nobody I can go out with, I just don't have money. And it's not that I don't have a boyfriend, he's just out with his friends. Because he has a social life... and he doesn't suck... unlike me. On Friday nights like this I wish I didn't have you, Internet, and I wish I still lived in QC. Then I would be forced to go out in search of something to do. Even without money, I'm sure I would find ways, because that's what's living in QC is like, one can always find ways. On Friday nights like this, I am reminded that I am still 23. Using pop culture as reference, I should be out there having fun with my friends. I should be "unwinding" and "letting my hair down." On Friday nights like this, I wish I was single and didn't have to worry about what my boyfriend would think. Because no matter what happens I'm sure in one way or another going out on a Friday night like this without him would lead into a fight, even a small one. Most of all, on Friday nights like this, I miss being with my friends. I miss talking with other people. I miss the feeling of being human, of being alive.

See, Internet? The world outside is a lot different from what you show us. And I am more shallow than I appear to be. I simply ask that Friday nights like this would no longer exist, so that what would remain are only Friday nights. Just Friday nights.

Have not been getting down for many Fridays,
Me

Bullet Points

• All pent-up feelings surface when listening to music.
• I long for someone who would rather stay in with me all night than go out to party.
• Remember that magazine I worked for? Its former employees created an unofficial Facebook Group bashing the company and its bosses. Oh, what fun! I get to vent out on how much they suck.
• Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be single and dating. I never got to experience it, you see. I would like to think that I'm happy and content with the current romantic relationship I am in but would I be asking this if I was?
• I am jealous of the people around me. I am jealous of the people my age and those younger than me who are doing what they love and are good at it. I wish I was skilled and talented. And born and raised rich.
• I am stuck to where I was three years ago. Stuck with the same boyfriend, the same dilemmas, the same dreams, the same knowledge, the same skills. It would not be too long that I would become obsolete. I need to update myself. Quickly.
• I don't like asking other people for work/racket. I have always been insecure about this and have always felt scared that I would not be able to deliver. I'd rather they ask me. They would know better if I was competent enough for the job. But unfortunately, in this cruel world, this sort of snobbish mindset wouldn't get a mediocre petite bourgeois like me anywhere. I'd like to be more aggressive. But I also know that that I can never be.
• I really need to feed myself. You think I should stop dealing with anything that is of the arts?
• In case you were wondering, yes, there was a time when I loved being me very much.
• The past three years have taught me what it's really like to be in a relationship. My relationships before this were... steady. I never really had to worry much about my ex-partners because they were all able and independent and they took care of me more than I of them. No wonder I've been having second thoughts. Am I really ready for a relationship? Like I have a choice, I'm already in one.
• I really need to feed myself.

Usual Rant

Pre-prod resumes tomorrow. Shoot is on Friday. And I, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I turned down this project twice. I still ended up agreeing to do it. The favors I do for friends. That's why I don't talk to a lot of them at the time, I can't afford it.

C and I are growing apart. He still insists that we stay together, of course. But I'm not sure. I want him to do what he wants and I'm happy with how things are going for him. I just don't think we should still be together. I'm just so tired of waiting.

I think I can say that I've been very understanding the past years, but I don't know where else I can get the patience to survive the next.

If I listen to him and stay in this relationship I'm afraid I'll go mad. If it's always going to be like this how can I realize my own potential? How will I ever find my own niche? How will I have my own children? Yes, it is an issue for me even at 23. I want to be a mother. It's not a problem if I have to be a single mom, but if I stay in this relationship, I know that I might never have sons and daughters.

Maybe I'm being selfish and unfair. Or maybe I don't love him enough anymore to support him in doing the things he love. I think I simply changed. My priorities changed, while he hasn't figured out his priorities yet. He says I'm his priority. that he's trying to build a life for the both us. But I know that this is only partly true. I know he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me but also expects me to be on the sidelines, cheering him on, being patient, waiting for him. You see, C's got a thing for the limelight. He wants to build a name for himself. There's nothing wrong with that, ambition can be a good thing. But I'm not like that. I'm much simpler than I appear to be. I was never a rockstar nor did I ever want to be one.

I have suffered greatly in the past, losing people that I love, so letting go of this one isn't easy. But I want to be happy, I would like to believe I deserve fulfillment. Also, I dream of visiting this certain place, learning this certain thing, and having this certain number of kids. All a secret for now. Let's see if I muster the courage to let go and finally chase those dreams.

(If only we live in a free world, problems like this wouldn't exist.)

Living is futile

I'm starting to realize that there really is no way to truly live other than fighting for genuine liberation. Others ways are not living, just an attempt to.

This is my vain attempt.

I have made difficult decisions in my life but none has prepared me for this. I have grown so little in the past two to three years that I think I am obliged to force myself to grow up now.

This isn't just about me anymore, it's about responsibilities. It's about family.

Unfortunately, I come from a lower petite bourgeois family. The past few years have not been our best, economically speaking. There really is nothing to blame but the economy/oppressors/landlords/imperialism/big bourgeois comprador. Call it whatever, it's the same shit when you look at the big picture.

Do you see it now?  It may seem like I have options but I don't.

Soon enough my heart and soul would die. I may continue to breathe, but I would be dead inside. I would be working to feed my siblings, to send them to school, to keep a roof over our heads. We would all attempt to live. My soul would be dead inside, but I would at least try to save my family's.

Daddy Issues

So dead. Soooo dead.

what is this poverty

gutom na gutom na ako at wala akong pera. sobrang payat ko na, oo, pero aminin nating hindi pa rin papasang pulubi ang kutis kaya kahit siguro mamalimos ako sa labas wala ring magbibigay. alam ko ring kailangan ko nang umuwi sa magulang ko pero wait lang, mamaya-maya siguro. dami ko pang iniisip e. mukhang doon muna ako titira nang ilang araw, mag-re-recharge, mag-iipon ng lakas at fats para makagalaw-galaw ulit sa mundo.

naiisip ko nga na what if ang raket ko e "meal companion?" tamang pwede akong kontakin ng mga gusto ng company during lunch break tapos ang bayad lang e ililibre ako ng pagkain. (siguro pag malayo may transpo allowance pang-commute, kung may kotse e di sunduan.) di ba? hindi na ako magugutom. para akong on-call date for rent pero para lang talaga sa mga gustong may kasabay kumain. maayos at masaya rin naman akong kasama at kausap, at magana rin akong kumain. pwede ko ring bagayan kung anong trip nung tao, mapa-street food, home-cooked, o fine dining. kung may pera siguro ako magbabayad din ako minsan para dito, hindi kasi ako makakain nang walang kasabay. sana may makaimbento ng ganito, sasali ako.

sana magkaroon na 'ko ng raket papa jisus.

Segue

So many things have happened
and a lot that I have learned the past few days.

STRENGTH. It's what I need to get through the following days. Nothing's certain anymore and it scares me. It scares me and at the same time I don't really want to care. I just want to keep going and not giving an F. And yes, I'm getting there. The cold-hearted whatever-you-want-to-call-me.

P and P

"Thank you for your patience and perseverance." was part of the text message I received from a former boss after we first won an award for Best in Production Design. Mukhang 'yun lang talaga ang ma-i-o-offer ko sa mundong ito. Fine.

Drunk Blogging

Bakit ba kailangang ganito? Bakit ako pa-cool? Sana finally mamanhid na 'ko. Ayoko nang maging tao. PLEASE.

FUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Friday the 13th

Ain't my day, bitches. I just want to sulk in a corner, under the covers. I can't even begin to...

Lately, I like to keep things positive but it seems that I'm the only one who does. What's the point of having an optimistic perspective when people around you would make you feel like you're only fooling yourself? If holding back on yourself, the things you want to do, your dreams, and your principles so you could help the people you love is being selfish then fuck being selfless!

I promise to be strong the following days and punch my worries in each of their faces. No more social life. I'm going to start moving for myself and my family.

So goodbye, good-vibed self. Welcome Bertong Badtrip back.

Lumpen Bourgeois

All the things that I've been doing or not doing the past weeks have taken their toll. My body's giving up on me and my finances are messed up (not that I have any money to begin with.)

I started smoking again last week and I have been drinking non-stop for days. Worst of it all, I haven't been keeping a healthy diet. Hell, I haven't even been eating on time or at least thrice a day. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat. I usually eat A LOT, but I had no money so I had to wait for friends or my housemates to feed me.

Now, there's somewhere I have to be at for a job interview but here I am at my parents' house, slacking, drinking lots of water, trying to rest my lungs. I am conflicted. I know that I can reschedule to another day but my need for a job is urgent. (I don't even care what I'm going to have to do, I can always quit if I don't like it.) I'm just scared that I might not pass the interview and exams if I go in this state.

Updates. Daily. Continuity.

When has it become so hard to update a personal blog? It used to be so easy way back when that I would write about my day no matter how exhausted I was. The worst thing that could happen would be making a mental note of all the things that happened so that I could write about it the following days.

Now it's just writing when I feel like it and then not when I don't. I have to make an effort on updating this regularly. Yes, even with nonsense and things I feel that only I care about. Isn't that what this is about anyway? 

So, yeah. Update more often. We need some continuity here!

99%

on a slump
in need of a little cheering up
worst of it all
all of these
are because of cheese
breads
money

every waking hour
i used to spend on living
now i spend on
lying, thinking,
about when, how,
will i get to eat good food
again
go out with friends
again
not have to eat instant
again


and when
will everybody else too

when will change come?
the is one thing
i know
i have to get moving
for the revolution will not be blogged.

I'm Doomed

I don't have money and I couldn't find ways to get any. I was used to everything eventually working out for the better, but this time it feels more real. This is serious. I have to step my game up.

In the meantime, I guess I have no choice but to live in my parents' house. I am an embarrassment.

Craycray

been drinking for days and days on end
without a lover for three nights
started smoking cigarettes again, socially
break outs and dark circles
a comb hasn't touched my hair for four days
no shower today, not yet at least
not a single fuck is given

Sunshine and Clouds and Everything Proud

I think I've been drinking for two weeks straight now except the Monday last week when C fell asleep on me just when we were about to go out, and so far it has been nothing but good vibes. This is my last night. I should do something.

Summer Love, Etc.

Absence makes the heart grow the fuck up, and mine is growing more and more in love with you everyday.


This break has been good for me and C. Hooray for that. I think we're finally getting the hang of this. And it's right about time! That's three years of trials and errors right there.

While I would love to write that everything is fine and dandy, the current semi-feudal, semi-colonial society dictates my life to be eternally flawed.

I'm going home tomorrow because I am flat broke. (C is too, I guess, since he said he went over the budget on his trip.) I was banking on the people who owe me money and were supposed to pay me up. Then maybe sell weed. 4/20's coming up, anyway. Tough times require a tough heart. I wish not to dwell on money matters right now (because it's the freakin' summer for crying out loud!) but fact remains, this life is determined by economics.

So. I will try to work this financial thing out first then I'm going to raise hell out of this scorching summer.

Mundane

mushy insides smudged mascara same clothes splitting headache

and no matter, i always wake up
at exactly
(not around)
noon

wondering if he remembers
thinking i always do

Sorry

Oh, goody. I'm too sleepy to blog, but blog I should.

HONESTLY,

the last few days have felt so good I still want more of it. Don't get me wrong, I miss C, but I have also missed this lifestyle too much. It sounds selfish but. But.

Anyway, no more energy.

I promise you, I really do want to blog. It's just that

 everything feels so alive. I feel so overwhelmed. I am just trying to take it all in, basking in the beauty of it all.

--------

BIG SECRET: The first and last time I rode a bike was during my first year in high school, I was maybe 12 or 13, so that's like 10 years ago. I was never taught to ride a bike when I was a kid, until one time, we were on Roxas Boulevard and all my cousins rented their own bikes. So I was like, fuck it, I'll try this thing. I was able to ride the bike on the first try. I never fell. Somehow I just knew how to do it.

--------

Blazed, drunk, and with a few good friends,
I dared myself.
I took the bicycle out,
rode it with both my feet still on the ground,
shoo-ed away any doubts,
I put my left foot on the pedal, and away I went
to the ground
and I laughed
Laughed and laughed my heart out!
because it hurt and it was funny and it was amazing!
It is that kind of joy
It is THAT feeling
That feeling we can't get enough of
I tried again
I did it
for a few meters
then fell again
I tried again
Of course I tried again!
And fell once more
Heck, I fell A LOT
i would fall and laugh my heart out and fall and laugh
over and over again
Laughing
Still lying on the concrete pavement
Stupidly happy
it's that feeling
of having no fear
singing out loud
loving yourself
bruises and all
being reveled by the insanity of it all!
the madness, the borderline
the bicycle and the morning sun


---

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls" -- Anais Nin

Last Nite

Good smokes and lots of beer. That's what happened. And daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang, I am like a freaking giddy awkward schoolgirl! SHIT. Sobrang embarrassing.


We even managed to drop by B-Side after the jam. Nothing happened there though. Haha. 

---

Yes, you thought you're past that phase. After all, you're 23 and committed in a serious relationship. But by heavens, no, you are still young, feeling wild, and not so much free. 

I'm hella serious when I say that I am very happy and content with my current relationship. Like they say, it's completely normal  to have crushes, and I usually am an able handler of these types of attraction and temptations. I am not trying to justify this, I'm trying to figure it out. SORT OF. Like, why do I have to get all giddy and nervous when I'm around G?

I used to have a big crush on him since way back, and heaven forbid, I think it has just gotten bigger. So does he know? Of  course he knows! That's what makes it so humiliating. I was so awkward last night I kept saying the wrong things and cracking the wrong jokes. I would find myself sitting stiffly, then force myself to sit comfortably. I would walk and pour beer in a Small-Wonder-Vicki robotic way. Tell me if that wasn't being Little Miss Obvious.

Plus, most importanly, C told me that he caught me ogling at G last night. EMBARRASSING. And may I just say that it makes me appear like a douche. Checking out someone when you're with your boyfriend? No, sister, that for me is unacceptable. But damn. Hot damn.

My bestfriend has been teasing me that if she could have G instead since I already have a boyfriend. I'm like, SURE! G's a great catch and nothing would make me happier if he ends up with someone who's a good friend of mine. But my bestfriend also said that it wouldn't happen, because guys like him are into the girl-next-door type, and obviously, we're not that.

I don't think it would be a problem though if C and G weren't bandmates. But they are now! They have been for a month now. I think they behead you by guillotine for breaking Bro Codes like this.

AND I  CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BLOGGING ABOUT HIM!!!

Aw, shiiii---

She's So Naive

i miss being young with my friends. sigh-those-were-the-days moment alert! 


i know that i should have been financially smarter (or wiser?) the past few months so that I would have breads to shed this summer. but i didn't feel like it. (i sound like a dick, i know.) honestly. the only thing i feel like doing now is wait. wait for what's going to happen next, to what's in store for me;  I even wonder, just what is it that's going to drive me crazy this time. i feel like not moving and just letting it flow, let the universe do what it supposedly does.

i know it is not what is generally conceived as the right thing to do. it's the same laziness exhibited in our very own Juan Tamad tales after all. but it's summer. i can't think of any reason other than that. it is time to relive the ideologies and cultures of the past decades even though we can only try. and try in vain. it reminds us of the beauty of having an open mind and, towards the end of the season, teaches us the importance of having a critical one.

the same thing happens every year. the people, places, and circumstances change. but it is the same idea, same feeling, same smell. these things that make us feel alive. and i say this with a much-needed emphasis, it makes us feel and makes us feel alive.

so, no, don't hold back. life is about to offer you something better than anything you've ever read. life is about to offer itself to you. hakuna matata!

Meh 1/2/12

Today was spent wandering with C, playing Lego in Hobbes and Landes, and abusing the listening stations in Fully Booked.

It is fun both because it is romanticized by the thought of summer and being carefree, and because this particular season makes me want to try things out more. Any other day, I would have just probably gotten bored.

Back to now. I've been wondering if I should ask L for a copy of some of the things I wrote for him that I no longer have (that I have deleted being so dramatic.) I just really want a copy. I'm not even sure if they're good, I just want to be able to read them again and see if maybe I could recycle them, you know, just for selfish reasons and personal log. But I also think that asking him would seem desperate and pathetic at this point.

Know what,  I should ask some real people instead of talking to myself about this.

April Fools'

"A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." -Kurt Vonnegut

Someday we will see each other again and things will be better. We will talk to each other with the thin line well-drawn. Until that day, I'll  hang on.

Today she's thinking about him, about all those times they wasted just talking for hours on end. It upsets her that she doesn't remember everything. She should have chronicled those days, like it was something she could write a study on and build a theoretical framework around of, like there's a way to draw a conclusion out of it all. But it wasn't science, it was made up of those stuff that has always reveled us humans but never understood.

---

It's a story about a girl and a boy who have only known each other for a while but have become best friends. It felt right, perfect, and special, it was the greatest, most truthful friendship they have had in a while. Naturally, one fell in love with the other. When she realized the feelings she was having, she wrestled with it, kept it in, and buried it deep. Fortunately for the human race, everything stayed platonic. They made that friendship their own little-bit-of-feel-good; conveniently knowing that there's someone to run to, conveniently knowing that there's a good morning text message to wake up to.

Months later, the inevitable happened--something fucked up. She had to tell him. She had to tell him so the feelings would stop. She thought it would keep him away, but also secretly hoped that he would say something similar to what she felt. But the only thing he said was that he was sorry and if she could please promise him that she would never tell her boyfriend about these feelings of hers, this atrocity.

Some of the times they would try to stay away from each other. There would be no texts nor IMs. But they were heavily drawn to each other, like twins by fate or--cringe--soulmates. Him being emotionally dependent, her being immensely attracted. Despite knowing about her feelings, he still kept talking to her. Still stayed close to her. She allowed it. Partly because she wanted it, mainly because their friendship was worth more than anything else in the world at the time.

She never knew if she had a chance. He never told her that she didn't, but kept telling her that he loved her as a friend. He became insensitive, telling her how much he still loves and misses his ex-girlfriend, then asking her if she could introduce someone to her, arrange a blind date maybe. He said he wanted to forget. She tried to grant his requests. If it hurt, she didn't let it show.

It was his birthday months later when it all ended. It was when her boyfriend, drunk and confused, called him; accusing and cursing, saying terrible, hurtful things.

He called her to tell her about what her boyfriend did. His voice was trembling, he was upset (he might have been crying) but not mad. She panicked and cried and told him she was sorry.

She asked her boyfriend the next day, "What exactly did you say to him?" He said that the alcohol made him black out--he didn't remember. So she asked his bestfriend instead. He wouldn't speak about it. "What has to be said has been said," he told her.

He was the only one who knew exactly what has been said that night, but he would never tell her. It was then on that she and him stopped talking.

Truth is, it was her fault, and she knew it. The guilt gnawed at her and gave her colorless days and sleepless nights. She tried to numb herself, but eventually succumbed to reality.

Time passed, he's still with the girlfriend he said he would never let go of, while the other stayed with her same boyfriend. They are currently happy in their respective romantic relationships. They don't talk anymore,  never see each other.

At times though, she still finds herself waiting.

The stars never meant us to be lovers, instead we were brought together to learn from each other. A reminder of what it means to be human. To know what it's like to have someone you can always count on, a fellow human you would do anything for unconditionally. But it was just borrowed time. We had to give back what we had to the cosmos, so that others may catch it and learn from it as well. Now he can only be loved from afar, I know and accept this without any twinge or remorse. It is what being human is all about anyway; to not live for oneself  and instead, be one with the universe and offer oneself to the world unselfishly.

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.” -The God of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

Kung ano ang isinaya ng mga nakaraang linggo, buwan, makasampung tiklop naman ang bawi ng kamalasan ngayon.

Paglimot

Minsan naiisip ko, limang taon (lima nga ba) bago nakalimot si C sa unang heartbreak n'ya. E, ako kaya? I don't feel heartbroken anymore. Nor angry. I just want to stop caring.

Dahil

hindi ko na alam kung anong totoo. Masaya ba 'ko? Masaya ba s'ya? Baka hindi namin alam naglolokohan na lang pala kami. Baka hindi namin namamalayan nakakapit na lang pala kami sa isang romanticized idea ng kung ano mang meron kami dati. Dati, bago magkagulo ang lahat.

Dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nandito pa rin kami. Hindi n'ya gusto ang ugali ko, wala naman akong pinapakitang pagbabago.

Rainy Days

I know that I need to get a grip of myself. Up to now I still can't understand why. I knew from the start that we couldn't be together. But I wanted us to be friends. All of these sound really pathetic now though.

On Venting

I haven't posted in, what, 2 or 3 days? But I have been writing a lot offline. I'm trying to chronicle my life from exactly a year ago. It has helped me view things objectively instead of simply reminiscing and romanticizing them.

The thing with feelings, you can't trust them. It spins you around from loop to loop just to find yourself right back where you started. With writing everything--and I mean everything, down to the most gruesome detail of a one-night stand--I was able to see things as they really were--a series of events and nothing more. And through the process, I found out that the solutions to the things that have been bothering me comes naturally to mind after I've finished writing all about it.

So, I'm thinking of doing the same here. I just feel like it's too risky. But hey, I've already posted more than I should, what's a few more, right?

It starts tonight. If my internet connection cooperates.

Soulmate

(i picked the wrong time for doing this post but seize the emotion, right?)

i should have seen it. i should have read the clues. i should have known. i should have. could have. would have. but i didn't. i just didn't. i had let my pride push you away. i understand now. it wasn't your fault. it never was. it was mine and still is.

genuinely, i am happy for you. you and her. you deserve happiness. i would never take that away from you. after all, i just want the friendship back. we were soulmates. thought that was forever. thought we were. thought that after everything, we grew strong. but we didn't. we crumbled. we could have done something. but we didn't. and that's where it ends. we could have done something. but no. we didn't.

how could i had let my bestfriend be the one that got away? i miss you.

(didn't have the courage to publish this last night. saved it to my drafts. bleagh. whatever. i was sleep-deprived and depressed.)

Recovery

I am frustrated that I deleted everything I wrote about/for "L" from that other blog! I wasted time writing those. Those weren't just drafts and random blabbering, it took me time to write them. Jeebus Crust. I don't care that they're about him. It's just that I could use it right now. Change it a bit and make it to something nice.

Oh, the things we delete when we're depressed.

Slow Mo

Everything in slow motion

We almost put our lips together, then we hesitate

I move my body against yours

Your hands on my waist

Everything in slow motion

We knit our bodies, together

I hold myself out in front you

You tease my hair, pull my head back

Everything in slow motion

You turn me around with a sweet touch of force

You brush your body against mine

Slightly touching, tracing

A pinch, a stroke

a finger

made me moan.

Lovestoned.

Not Prose

as I think of colors swirling
overlapping, blurring each other
i make out of it
a silhouette of
you
a sharp, clear view
of you

the outline stretched out in words
of something I wrote
something
something about
this one being the real one
the complex and the absurd
the difficult
endless, spiral

and then the yellow pink red blue
they spread above me
and beyond me and cover ahead
like huge majestic wings
and being trapped below
was just
the highest
the spectacular
cinematic, endless, spiral
sways, dances
i'm not getting out of here

Somebody's in love

C and I spent some quality time today.

And the wall crumbled.

This feeling, makes it all bearable. I live for this feeling. No matter what I (or others) say or do, I'll always have this feeling to go back to. Everything else is forgotten. Loose ends are suddenly tied. What ifs become dreams and challenges of what tomorrow might hold.

I don't know what I'm talking about here. I find it seriously difficult to express myself when I'm happy.

And the list goes on

C was supposed to come over for breakfast, to sort of make it up to me. Didn't happen.
I was also supposed to go to a job interview. Didn't happen. Horrible cramps. I can reschedule. If I feel like it.
Some days are just too hot. Too hot.

You Should Know

C didn't visit. I really felt bad. In addition, I wasn't feeling "normal" again. But now I guess I am back to being okay. One hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride, I tell you.

I don't think I should see him for a while, maybe for just a couple of days. I think I need the space. I have to put my wall back up. Build up my defenses. Re-assess my disposition and how I see myself in this relationship.

But I know I wouldn't be able to stand it. One, I am, self-admittedly (and not proud of it), dependent to him. Two, I love (LOVE) having sex. Three and most importantly, he's currently the closest friend that I have.

So messed up.

Bipolarity

OKAY, I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

Anyway, L replied more than an hour later but whatever, that's not why I'm feeling good. I don't give a shiiiiiite.

C's coming over in a few hours. I KNOW. YEY!

Plus, well, I finally got my hormones balanced so...

GADDEMIT I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. I'm just thankful that I'm feeling okay now. Sometimes I get so depressed it scares me to think what I could be capable of doing.

So, that's it. YEY!

Pakyu

Dahil hindi pelikula ang buhay, walang ending. Walang ma-dramang confrontation sa ilalim ng bumubuhos na ulan. Walang biglaang pag-blurt out ng totoong saloobin sa harap ng publiko. Walang reconciliation, walang closure. Meron lamang talo at panalo. Merong nakaisa at naisahan. At sabi nga ni C, ang susi ay tanggapin na minsan sa iyong buhay ay naisahan ka.

Gusto ko sanang pelikula na lang ang buhay. Mag-so-sorry s'ya, mag-so-sorry ako. Pwedeng maging magkaibigan kami, pwedeng hindi na. Pero masaya, magaan, walang hang-ups. Walang Charlie Nicholson (High Fidelity) at Summer (500 Days of Bullshit). Buti pa sa Closer, may mga paghaharap na nagaganap bagkus magulo. Ngunit hindi sa tunay na buhay.

Sa tunay na buhay, tiis-tiis lang. Hindi mo masasampal ang gusto mong sampalin. Hindi mo maririnig ang sorry na gusto mong marinig. Sa mga oras na 'to masama ang mga naiisip ko, gusto kong manira ng buhay. Pero alam kong hindi ako ganoon. At alam kong hindi ko gagawin 'yon.

Sabagay, kung ano man 'yung mga kasalanan n'yang 'yon, pinagbayaran n'ya na 'yon. Pero mukhang ako ngayon pa lang.

ANG DRAMA KO. Masyado akong maraming alam. Ako naman kasi 'tong masama ang ugali.

O s'ya. 'Yun lang. May masabi lang.

----

Dinededma ako ni C. Wala lang. Tampo hits. Hehe.

I feel so

Under the unbelievably fucking hot weather. It's that time of the month when no matter what you do, nothing can save you from your own self-pitying and wallowing. Even without the self-pitying and wallowing, still, nobody can save you from yourself.

Well, L is online. I feel like saying Hi and at the same time I don't. Imagine having a small talk while on a rollercoaster, an emotional rollercoaster. Plus, he wouldn't understand anymore, we've grown apart. He's there and I'm... I'm nowhere. It would be like this:

Me: Hey yo!
L: Yo
Me: Kamusta?
L: Okay lang.
Me: Balita?
L: Ganon pa rin
Me: Ayos.

See? Now that I posted that I feel like I need to prove that I'm right. But I won't. Or maybe I will.

I wish C's online. He's the one I really feel like talking to right now.

I don't even have cellphone credits for the love of all things holy and unholy!

Knee-deep shit. That doesn't even come close to describing what I am in right now. A quicksand that never really engulfs you, it just pulls you down slowly, scares you, stumps your breath, threatens to swallow you, but it doesn't. It just lets you hang around there. Wait for the end that will not come, which makes it more horrible than the end.

And the worst of it all, it's not even summer yet. I have no excuse for this vortex. Everyone's doing great, acting fine and dandy, with sunshine and rainbows and their eat-pray-love ideologies. (Excuse me while I throw up.) I can't be the only one going through shit like this.

This is also why I'm scared of growing old. I am sure that I'm going to be like this forever: hormonal, depressed, emotionally unstable. And that's not cute when you're 30. I am sure if I'm still like this by then there will be no one else left to stand by me and put up with my lunacy.

I can't wait for summer. Summer's my thing. It's during summer when people see me as a young, normal individual just being young and normal.

---

So, yes, I did it. I messaged him. Just to prove myself right. I do that. See? It's all crazy here. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey yo!

And then about 10 seconds passed and then I went offline.

And then another 10 seconds and I'm back online.

Okay, so I'm wrong. WHATEVER.

---

This is so difficult. C, where are you? Friends, where are you? Of course I know where you are. Busy living your lives. I also am busy living mine, being sucked by said quicksand, WHICH I WISH WOULD JUST FREAKING SWALLOW ME TO GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

No one to talk to, no one to talk to. I miss having housemates. I miss going to school. Well, there's always Chatroulette, if only I wanted to get visually raped!

---

Okay, so how long have I been typing now? I'm not sure. It's an endless spiral. AND I AM COMPLETELY FUKKEN SOBER. Oh, woe is me.

Okay, that kind of hurt. L didn't even reply. Friendship completely over then. My fault of course. But that's not the issue here. The issue is I have nobody to talk to.

---

And it's so hot. It may not be summer yet but it is hot.

---

It pierces through. It hurts inside, to the core of the soul and then back out to the tips of the hair on my arms.

Dear Diary

I miss having a diary. I used to keep a diary when I was young where I poured all my pent-up emotions and chronicled everything that happened to me during the day. Sometimes I would even write something fictitious or exaggerate my stories a little bit just so it would seem more adventurous. I feel bad that I didn't keep any of them. Back then, I would even go as far as secretly dying my hair just so I have something fun to write on my diary. Hell, that was the most fun that I could get when I was fourteen, on the same level with sneaking out of the house to see the lunar eclipse. Just in front of the house, mind you.

Since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated with secrets and doing things secretly. I like the thrill of it. Nothing excites me more than doing things in secret. I even formed a secret group when I was fifteen. We were called the "White Shadow." We would go from doing pranks to sending secret love letters. And I, was the mastermind. Of course I let someone else be called the Mastermind, because I had to be the director. I had to plan everything, including who should be the Professor X. We could go way, way back, when I was 8 or 9 or 10, I formed an exclusive group called "The Craft" which is obviously inspired by the movie. Sadly, I don't remember what we did in our group. I really should have kept those diaries.

Then I had secret blogs. A bunch of them. All over the WWW. It's very risky. It has gotten me into trouble twice. On bizarrely very similar occasions. My ex found out that "something happened" between me and my workmate because I left my e-mail open and he was able to read my blog posts because apparently blog post forwarding to my e-mail was turned on. Me and the guy weren't even sleeping together then. We slept together eventually. The second time was when C found out that "something happened" between me and another workmate ("L"), on which I eventually confessed that we slept together. There, not exactly my target market of audience. Despite everything, I'm still here, obviously. Ranting away. Exposing my entire existence and putting it in compromise.

Anyway, I just wrote this so I could babble about babbling secretly, and because I just thought that I should make an effort to post more often even though they are completely nonsensical. That's the point of having a secret diary, after all.

Reality

I figured now is the time to say something.

I've been spiraling. I'm trying to figure things out. So far I'm stagnant; a breeding ground for everything not wanted.

In other news, C and I bumped into L and his girlfriend last Feb 14. In C's words, "What are the odds?" One important thing, I've always known that it was going to happen sooner or later, in one way or another. I had played the possible scenarios in my head maybe more than a couple of times before. But then, when it happened, I didn't exactly act nicely. I did high-five him back, and (barely) shook the hand (in the coldest way) offered by his girlfriend, and then proceeded on ignoring them the next couple of minutes. C is the best. I honestly admire how congenial he can be (despite how evil he thinks he is/can be.) He was perfectly civil, nice, and all-smiles to the two. Thank goodness I have him. (I love you!)

Now,  the next thing I would be babbling about would  be how I kind of feel guilty for purposely ignoring them and being "mataray", but truthfully, that was what I was felt at the time. I'm not trained in masking my emotions, and my face is just naturally expressive.

I realize now that the only reason I didn't act pleasant because I am just not. Introduce me to whoever for the first time and guaranteed, he or she'll get an I-Ignore-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Face treatment. (Miserably enough, pretending to be enthusiastic about something isn't my specialty.)  Pure and simple.

Now, the issue with "L". I would still want to be friends with him someday but only until C feels comfortable with it. Until then, I will continue ignoring the person. He had already gotten everything he wanted. Story ends there I suppose.

Just had to get these out of my thoughts. He was special, in a purely platonic way. And this, is not easy. But I'm taking C's advice, acceptance is key. All I need is time, and guess what, I got a handful right now.

It's not easy to lose a friend, and even less to let go of the friendship, but it can be done. I am not being emotional here, it just is true. I'm happy (depressed sometimes, but that's me) and obviously he is too. I'm not getting in the way of that.

I need a bestfriend. Anyone?

(Typed under the influence of Tita V so forgive me. Eyelids are weighing down. Can't double check. Goodbye for now.)

I was going to post something, and then I got wasted.

Doubts

Just when you think you have made the right decision, something tells you that maybe you should take a good second look.

Trying.

I'm stuck again. Which if based solely on past experiences, the only chance of getting out is by getting a full-time job. A full-time job where I'll last a few weeks or maybe even months before I burn out and quit. Story of my life.

But.

I'm thinking of trying something different this time. Problem is, I no longer have the will, confidence, and self-esteem for it. I lost all that during to the unfortunate event that is called the year 2011.

So, by next week I will get a full-time job, any full-time job. And then whatevs. I'm not exactly in the generous mood of giving the universe even the slightest fuck. Just not worth it. Oh, goody.

Sistema.

Unang PMS ng taon, bring it on.

Doing my best to control my mood swings. Hormones are on a rampage.  They want to go on a mass killing spree.

Try not to piss me off.

Blah

Blah = my life

2011

Patawarin nawa, pero ngayon ko lang talaga na-realize na ang ultimate song of 2011 ko ay Rolling in the Deep. Pak!

Last Week of December Ever

Learned that a gay friend, Martin, just moved in near C's place. Met up with him. Then decided to crash a house party, which was apparently a pool party we weren't prepared for. Got crazy drunk. We were literally forced to drink from the bottle straight up without chaser. Fun people. Fun, wild, virgin, and hella rich people.

After getting drunk.

We decided to tag along with Martin to a gay club in a gimik spot located in Ortigas. It was so much fun. I was just dancing and jumping and singing. It was the most fun I've had in a while. I kept scanning the club for girls I could dance with, but no luck.

Went to the bathroom, which was outside the bar but just inside the building. On my way back to the bar I pulled the fire alarm. *RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG*

The guards were on me so when I got back to the bar I asked C for his hoodie so I could hide my face.You couldn't hear the ringing inside the bar because the music was too loud. (That place is definitely a fire hazard.) I certainly remember proudly grinning when I was telling C that I pulled the fire alarm.

Then, it was as if nothing happened. They probably turned the alarm off or something. Didn't care.

I remember complaining that I couldn't find anybody to dance with because everyone there were gay guys who weren't interested in dancing with a girl. Someone (I don't remember who) pointed out the girl in the corner, almost as if daring me to go up to her. So I asked the girl to dance. And dance away we did. She wasn't good-looking. Didn't care at the time.

Then apparently later on I demanded C that we go home. C says I puked my guts out in the cab. Then I puked some more when we got to his place. He was teasing me the next day that I have a new bestfriend--the planggana.

The girlfriend of his roommate says we got home around 6 AM and we were fighting. It went something like this:

Me: I need a locker!
C: Wait.
Me: I need a locker now!
C: Wait, I'm looking for it--wait, what?! You need a locker?!

I woke up with the worst hangover I've ever had in my life. I couldn't move. My innards felt sensitive and mushy. But my clothes have been changed and C bought me mami for breakfast. The sweetest thing. I popped a V and spent the whole day sleeping. When I woke up at night I still wasn't feeling well so I stayed in.

So, yeah, that's it. My average life. At least I got to pull a fire alarm.

Oh and, the most important thing, I know I am loved. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sometimes

I swore I'd figure this thing out before the year ends so...

Sometimes I want to ask, "Can I unfriend you?" But there seems no polite way of saying this. And can you just Eternal Sunshine someone from your life? I tried to, but to no avail.

We've been really good friends but sometimes I feel like I cannot move on with my life with you still in it. Just sometimes though. Most times I'm perfectly fine and happy.

And C is very special to me and I do not want to lose him.

Okay, still unresolved. Better luck tomorrow.

2011: One Hard F*** Y***

Yes, 2011, FUCK YOU.


1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Had a one-night stand, pulled a fire alarm of a building (for the heck of it), danced my pride away (in Cubao X, a couple of times), went into a gay club and asked a girl to dance (for the heck of it), worked with the Wardrobe Dept, got published, smoked a joint in a public place

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I do not remember having any resolutions. I haven't thought about that yet actually.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
Yes. Even sort-of babysat one of them.

4. Did anyone close to you die? 
Yes. RIP.

5. What countries did you visit? 
I don't suppose kalawakan counts, so none.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? 
What I've always wanted: a best friend. That one true, constant companion who is not the boyfriend.

7. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
I would say that the whole year has been tattooed on my forehead as the most eventful year ever but truth is, I'm bad with dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
SURVIVING. It was a tough, tough year for me.


9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to keep my mouth shut on that one big secret. (I was also bad with handling money, but telling the truth when I shouldn't be was I think the worst decision I made this year.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 
Fell down the stairs, bumped my left temple on the cab hard while drunk (still hurts), insensitivity, extreme cases of hangover, immaturity, an abnormal case of fatigue (or laziness, whatever),

11. What was the best thing you bought? 
The best suede boots in the world. I get to wear it everywhere. This completely sounds not like me--you know, obsessing over a pair of shoes, but style+practicality gets three thumbs-ups on my book. It was like custom-made for my lifestyle. I swear, okay?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? 
Mine. Yes, I'm conceited like that. And that does not deserve merit. So I'm kind of contradicting myself here.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 
Three of my best guy friends. Especially C I guess. But we're good now! Really.

14. Where did most of your money go? 
The high cost of living.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Varekai, Bamboo's new album as a solo artist (I know, I know), Niño (inspite of all the challenges), Deftones' concert too, I guess.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? 
You don't expect me to choose just one, do you? Paper Bag by Fiona Apple (for the summer), I'll Be Yours by Those Dancing Days (after summer), Do You Realize? by The Flaming Lips (that's the entire year on this one), Your Song by Ellie Goulding (sadder days), Moving Away by My Morning Jacket (obviously), that Fish Story song, Teenage Kicks by Nouvelle Vague, everything Zee Avi, and Pomplamoose and of course There's A Hole in My Pocket by J. Kap ft. Alec Roeser. Know what, I should make an entire post out of this question alone. Jeez.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 

I. happier or sadder?
Both years had been tough. I had more happier days in 2010 I think. Yes, I think so. (It's hard to answer this one because everything just looks better in retrospect.)

II. thinner or fatter?
I was fattest on the first half of 2010, thinnest on the 2nd half of 2010 and first half of 2011? Oh, the skinny bitch.

III. richer or poorer?
Richer on most days. La vie boheme!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? 
Lying? HAHAHAHA. Seriously, I think I've done enough this year. More than enough. I actually wish I'd done less. But I think I should have traveled more.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? 
A-ha! Overthinking.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? 
n/a

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? 
Fall in and out of love over and over again.

22. How many one-night stands? 
One. Maybe the last in this lifetime? You never know.

23. What was your favourite TV program? 
Weeeeell, there are days when the line between real life and sitcom becomes blurry. Ha! I love Community and The Misfits. Starting on Breaking Bad too. But I had too many fun memories watching Gossip Girl with friends.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? 
Sadly, yes.

25. What was the best book you read? 
I can't remember the title. "Drawing a Blank," was it? Or something like that.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I love Zee Avi, and Thao with the Get Down Stay Down, and Mates of State, and The Joy Formidable, and Architecture in Helsinki.


27. What did you want and get? 
I always get what I want, haven't you figured that out already? Kidding. A lot of things, to be fair. My oh my, I'm not one to count blessings, am I? Must learn to be more grateful. Now that one I think would make a great new year's resolution.

28. What did you want and not get? 
I wanted him (note the past tense) and did not get him (again, past tense.)

29. What did you not ask for but get? 
Issues. A big level up in Life Challenges' difficulty.

30. What was your favourite film of this year? 
Fish Story. Was it shown this year? Anyway, I saw it this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
Turned twenty-three. Worked. Ate a lot. The day itself was mediocre but I didn't feel bored nor pressured. Was still celebrating it by drinking two months later.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
Had I kept things to myself. The only one thing I still regret.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? 
Laid-back--ergo, I don't have money to shed on clothes so I only wear the good and comfortable ones I have.

34. What kept you sane? 
Haven't thought about this till now. My siblings, maybe? I love them to bits. And venting online. This blog? Ha. Friends, sometimes.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 
Jim Morrison always and forever. Yes, C says its weird to fancy a dead person. I've grown a huge crush with Adam Levine. I KNOOOW. I just realized it now. And that actor from The Misfits, his character's name is Nathan.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? 
EVERYTHING, of course. I still stand by my principles. Only the faces change, not the system. The case of human rights violations is appalling.


37. Who did you miss? 
A lot of people I was with during the summer. Like I said, my youth ended with the summer.


38. Who was the best new person you met?
 Sometimes I regret meeting him but at the same time we were really good friends and I couldn't have survived half the shit I was going through had it not been for him. Yes, the one-night stand guy. Although I realize now what a big mistake everything was. And if there's such thing as a wrong friendship, ours was it. On a lighter note, the production staff of Niño, I guess, and the people from Varekai. They. Are. Great.


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: 
Keep your mouth shut. And another important thing, I have a bright bourgeois hypocritical future ahead of me if I pursue the corporat shite but my principles just won't let me. And for now, I'm fine with that.


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
 "And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don' go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round" -Do You Realize?, The Flaming Lips

All I Want

I want to make peace, not to everyone, but to some. But I don't intend to push things just to "start the year right." New year superstitions will not dictate this. Timing will. And I don't think we're there yet.

I'll figure this out before the year ends. I promise.

I Feel Cheated

My friend told me how she got devirginized on Christmas Eve in what could have been just a one night stand. And compared to the only one night stand I had ever had in my life, her experience was far better. Ugh. She was taken care of. They even cuddled. While I, I did all the work. Dammit. What was wrong with me?! Oh yeah, I was on the rebound. Fuck.

Cybertron?

I want to have online friends. Uhm, how?

Oh, and

RIP to a friend. We were not exactly the "we-confess-to-each-other-our-secrets" type of friends but you were a good guy and when we would bump into each other it had always been on good times with good company and good vibes. You had always been nice to me and this loss has made me rethink a lot of things in life. A lot of people are missing you already! Rock and roll sa taas.

What is December Part 2

Going out without passing out. Getting back together. (That comforting scent of familiarity.) Seeing your bestfriends. Not seeing your other bestfriends. Finally saying "What's up?" to the other bestfriends. Drinking tea instead of beer. Actually showing up at social gatherings. Eating your heart out. Loving. A whole lotta loving.

On Living Up to Christmas

Normally, I'd be happily watching my downloads and reading long-forgotten second-hand books, but since tomorrow is Christmas Eve I feel like I need to be doing something else. I have always loved and enjoyed the Holidays. I was the spoiled kid who always got her perfect ending for an entire year of being both naughty and nice.

You know what, I just feel pressured. There's nothing here.

NEGATIVE

The Scare

Somehow I feel like I should write about this just so I can finally put it out there, but on the other hand if i put it into writing, it would make it real. As if it can get any more real than this. If I write about it, it means that I accept that, indeed, it scares me. That I have to face it, and do something about it. That I have to decide -- if "it" really is there inside me, will I keep it?

In the past, I've always been decisive that if it does happen to me, I'd opt for what I think is the more sensible decision considering the circumstance, because I know that I am not ready for it, I am not stable enough for it. But now that it is actually happening, I am not so sure anymore.

But really, I should take the test first.

Iaminthatmoment

Truthfully, there are a lot of things bothering me at this very moment. But, also, I am in that moment when I need focus on the more pressing matters. Like activism.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow?

I need rest.

And I need to find out what's going on with my body. I'm either sick or pregnant. Or, okay, fine, just depressed.

What is December Part 1

It means listening to that playlist or that song without feeling like you’re opening a wound. It means not being swallowed by sadness but enjoying a bittersweet nostalgia instead. It means saying “I’m happy for you” without a sudden rise in pitch. It means looking forward to what’s next. It means shooing away the shoulda-woulda-couldas, what-could-have-beens, and what-ifs.

It means finally accepting everything that has ended. It means smiling in your head, while remembering the bliss of the moments while they lasted. It means looking back, but not with regrets. It means your year is coming. It means “own it.”

So.

Not to the banging end of a lousy 2011 but of an eventful year. Not to the mistakes and failures, but to the “learning experiences.” Not to the evil bosses, but to the higher self-worth you developed. Not to the opportunities you missed, but to the risks you took. Not to the oppressors, but to the gallant fighters. Not to the friend you lost, but to the memories you created. Not to getting your heart broken, but to having friends to run to when it did. Not to the love that has finally ended, but to the relationship you built with yourself.

To the long stares. To looking away. To taking his hand. To letting go. To knowing it’s not yours to take.

To music . (Of course, to music.)  To getting drunk. To swearing it will not happen again. To getting drunk with good company.  To dancing. To not getting drunk with good company. To the love-hate relationships. To loving like a child. To growing up.

To the circus of life and the magic. To the summer in the city and youth.  To creating art and relationships. To being independent but dependent to good friends. To living life on the edge and challenging yourself. To compromising safety for the joy of learning. To all things beautiful. To cliches, and creating new cliches. CHEERS.

I BADLY WANT A GOOD DEPENDABLE CAMERA

On Bloggin

Finding it hard to start even a short blog post these days. I miss ink and paper too much.

TTFN MNL

Truth is, I'm nervous. It's a bit scary to be going away for five days with people who are practically strangers. And really, this is not the best time of the month, if you know what I mean. Buuuut I shall make the most out of this. I shall have fun.

I shall not think (much) of the people and friendships I miss. I shall leave all my worries and baggage behind. I shall take a time off (while working, of course) from all of this, whatever this is. I shall not bitch about anything. I shall find inner peace.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Not with a fizzle, but with a bang

Know what, if you don't want to be my friend, fine. I just have to make the most of what's left of my life now. Meet new people, work hard, see new places, keep things positive.

I'm not going to do what I used to: avoiding confrontations, escaping, carrying a heart of hard, cold stone. This time I'm not going to stop giving a fuck. I'm not unfriending anyone and I won't roll my eyes when I hear your names. What I'm going to do is I'm going to stop doing things my way.  I know where I went wrong and it's up to me to make things right. I'm going to try to be nicer and happier.

I hope that eventually this would make me a  better person and friend.

"Inner peace."

❝ I WILL NOT RESENT, I WILL NOT BLAME YOU, FOR YOUR CALLOUSED HEART, SOMETIMES THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO CONTINUE. …BUT I WILL KEEP FEELING, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME, BECAUSE APATHY IS NOT LIVING ❞ -Renee Yohe

Playing Catch-Up with Thyself

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, cowgirl. Next thing I know you'll be flying to London trying your luck as a high-class call girl.

But I like it fast. I get a certain high when life twirls me around and drives me crazy. I just came back from Tarlac two days ago out of a spontaneous "raket" and I'm leaving again on Monday for Camarines Sur for the Ad Congress.

Maybe this is really what I should be doing--that is, not settling. Who was I kidding when I went for the normal, boring life? I know it wouldn't work out well for me but I wanted to give it a try. I'll probably give it a try again in a few months as even I can't predict my whims. Yes, whims. I am used to acting on whims. Going to different places, doing different things, earning, and not saving. I like it bohemian, like you.

So for now, I will deprive myself of rest and Imma live it fast. And because I don't have to answer anybody I'll get all the rest (and partying) I want and need when I get back. Maybe.

Warning: RAAAAANT

Ito 'yung isa mga panahong gustung-gusto ko lang talagang umamats. Ang dekadente at ang junkie pakinggan pero, wala e, live fast and die young. That was the plan, at least. Anong nangyari, D?

Sobrang fucked up ng 2011. Sobrang daming masasalimuot na pangyayari na pinilit ko namang ayusin, pero mukhang may mga bagay na ganoon na lang talaga. Sabi ko nga gusto ko na lang sana ng normal at boring na buhay pero mukhang hindi na ipagkakaloob sa 'kin 'yun unless bitawan ko lahat ng bagahe at magsimula ulit. As in simula.

Sa tingin ko kaya ko naman kung tutuusin. Ang mawala sa 'kin lahat ng 'to? Hindi ko ikamamatay. Sa umpisa siguradong mahirap, pero alam kong kaya naman. Nasa paggawa ng kondisyon naman 'yan. Ang iniisip ko lang naman ay ang mga taong involved.

Unang-una si L (see previous posts), mabait lang talaga s'yang tao. Pinagsisisihin n'ya 'yung nangyari sa 'min. Hindi kaya ng pagkatao (at pride na rin siguro) n'ya na mayroon s'yang hindi kasundong tao sa mundong ito kaya rin nagkabati kami agad. Masyado s'yang pa-cool para maging kupal sa taong walang ginawa kundi maging mabait sa kanya. Oo, pa-cool din s'ya. Masaya na s'ya sa  kanyang perfectly crafted little world ngayon, bakit ko pa guguluhin? Maging accessory na lang ako at maging kaibigan sa kung anong paraang convenient sa kanya.

Pangalawa si C, hindi naman madaling iwan na lang basta-basta ang taong nakasama mo na sa langit at lusak nang mahigit dalawang taon. Mahal ko rin naman 'yung tao. At hindi ko ma-imagine kung ano kaya ang mga kaya n'yang gawin kung sakaling iwan ko s'ya. Alam kong sisirain n'ya rin ang lahat. Kung lalayo ako sa kanya, makabubuting lumayo na ako sa lahat.

Sabi ng marami kong kaibigan, hindi na maibabalik sa dati. Hindi na rin magbabago pa patungo sa mas mabuti. Magiging ganito na lang ka-kumplikado palagi kaya mas mabuti pang palayain ko na lang ang sarili ko. At least sarili ko man lang maisalba ko.

Sana sila na lang ang maunang sumuko. Sana magalit na lang sila sa 'kin at 'wag na 'kong kibuin. Hindi ko kayang kusang lumayo.

The Devil Can't Afford Prada

Gera? Slash that.
Palawan? Nah.
Backpacking in Aurora? Meh.

My last day at work was supposedly last Thursday and they swore they would release my pay the day after, but since they practically begged me to stay until today so I can "train" the new EAs, I did not get a cent. It was unfair and, needless to say, illegal (Hello, Labor Code?) but I thought, sure, fine, let's do this, just one last favor and I am out of here.

Today I just found out that they won't be giving my almost two months worth of pay until the 15th. "Baka 15."  was the exact reply I got. Holy jeebus crust motherfudge! I am so infuriated I can't even begin--

My own anger isn't enough to express how angry I should be. So just empathize and be angry with me. Maybe all our anger will harness all the forces in the land and the cosmos, and create a ray-gun that would destroy corporate greed along with my, ehem, horrible bosses. But as I do not believe in karma, someone has to do something about this. Maybe I will, when I'm not too lazy.

In the meantime, be angry with me.

Dahil sa Totoo Lang, Ayokong Pumasok Bukas

Last night was a warm-up for my week-long (or two-week-long?) gera. Did what I usually did. Drank and took whatever. But I am proud to say that I did everything with grace (or close enough, at least). I think I've had enough of walwalan. Honestly, it's more fun when you don't have to crawl your way into the restroom and  try to barf into the toilet bowl only to miss. I am also proud to announce that it was a sin-free night. Tralalalalalalala. Oh, I missed this.

But anyway, I still have to go back to work tomorrow. Else, they won't give me my pay. Fucking unbelievable. They were even expecting me to transcribe a two-hour interview over the long weekend. Mukha n'yo, hello? Hindi ko nga ginawa.

Leaving that company might just have been the wisest decision I made this year..

AYOKONG PUMASOK BUKAS, NYETA.