Usual Rant

Pre-prod resumes tomorrow. Shoot is on Friday. And I, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I turned down this project twice. I still ended up agreeing to do it. The favors I do for friends. That's why I don't talk to a lot of them at the time, I can't afford it.

C and I are growing apart. He still insists that we stay together, of course. But I'm not sure. I want him to do what he wants and I'm happy with how things are going for him. I just don't think we should still be together. I'm just so tired of waiting.

I think I can say that I've been very understanding the past years, but I don't know where else I can get the patience to survive the next.

If I listen to him and stay in this relationship I'm afraid I'll go mad. If it's always going to be like this how can I realize my own potential? How will I ever find my own niche? How will I have my own children? Yes, it is an issue for me even at 23. I want to be a mother. It's not a problem if I have to be a single mom, but if I stay in this relationship, I know that I might never have sons and daughters.

Maybe I'm being selfish and unfair. Or maybe I don't love him enough anymore to support him in doing the things he love. I think I simply changed. My priorities changed, while he hasn't figured out his priorities yet. He says I'm his priority. that he's trying to build a life for the both us. But I know that this is only partly true. I know he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me but also expects me to be on the sidelines, cheering him on, being patient, waiting for him. You see, C's got a thing for the limelight. He wants to build a name for himself. There's nothing wrong with that, ambition can be a good thing. But I'm not like that. I'm much simpler than I appear to be. I was never a rockstar nor did I ever want to be one.

I have suffered greatly in the past, losing people that I love, so letting go of this one isn't easy. But I want to be happy, I would like to believe I deserve fulfillment. Also, I dream of visiting this certain place, learning this certain thing, and having this certain number of kids. All a secret for now. Let's see if I muster the courage to let go and finally chase those dreams.

(If only we live in a free world, problems like this wouldn't exist.)