Yesterday, when I went to my pdoc I expected to tell her a very long anecdote on all the events she missed since I last took a visit. But of course I was only able to tell not even a fourth of a story. I told her the gist, the titles of each chapter, the lines out of context. She gave me a speech about how I should get more control, make healthier choices, and get a better lifestyle. She emphasized on taking care of my relationships with others, I shouldn't act on something just because I had the impulse to. She said that "this" is not an excuse and I should check if maybe there are also "personality factors" involved. That I wouldn't want to burn bridges with people close to me and have no one in the future.
I was pissed off at first. If there's anything I have always been scared of was "this" would become an excuse. I'd like to think I'm afraid of that more than anybody. And I have always wanted to think that I've been doing great despite "this". Maybe not so great, but hey, the last few weeks have been some of the worst weeks of my life and I'm still here. I still have a job, I'm not "living the summer", I haven't had sex with a stranger.
Truth is, I know what she means. I may still be here but my relationship with other people have been crumbling. Maybe it is more about being tactless, proud, and selfish than having bipolar disorder. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe it is time for an attitude check. Maybe I am really not capable of human relationships because I'm impossible, unlovable, and self-righteous. I am never satisfied and always disappointed with other people.
Even I would want to burn the bridge between myself.
