It's so hard to think of the future when you don't know what you should be doing in the present. It's so hard to write when you haven't been reading anymore. It's so hard to love yourself when you're not sure of who you are even. So let me try.
I'm a person who trusts my feelings more than anything else. Clear logic never escapes me, I always know what should be done but that part of the brain becomes secondary to the part that have been through all the bullshit, feels, adventures, and love. Quite the opposite of what others might think about people who act with their heart, I would never do anything that is off the chart of reason; feelings does not trump logic. We just care more is all. I have been through years of dysfunction and enough self-reflections to know that pushing pragmatism in compromise of the emotional health can lead to literally deadly consequences.
Right now I feel like watching episode 8 of Homeland when I know the best plan of action would be: finishing work, taking a bath, do my errands, have a nice dinner with friends, then go to the meeting. The ideal plan seems very lovely but my mood just does not allow it because I would not allow myself to move. This impulse thing, I need to get over it.
I have been a bit down lately because of the changes in my life. Recent events have made me sensitive enough to hate one of my closest friends for his sexist remarks. Not very petty but no reason to end a friendship. I just don't feel like explaining to anybody. I just want to get on with my life for now until I find enough motivation to live again.
