Four Years Lost

I just want to write this all down before I take my "calming pill".

I should have listened to my gut four years ago and gave up on that relationship as early as then. This much I can say now: I should have listened to my friends.

Two years ago should have been enough indication that all of this would end badly. If I didn't had the change to end it four years ago, two years ago was my second chance. I tried to. To no avail. I still ended up running back to him. I don't even want to remember that year. It was the shittiest. Sometimes I think that my mood disorder would not have gotten this worse if it weren't for that relationship. Yes, I really do think so.

At present, my friends opinion of him still has not changed. They are still telling me to stay away from him. I know that they're right. He's more destructive than helpful to my well-being. The graver effects are not worth the momentary feelings of happiness. I just didn't (and still don't) know what to do about it.

I don't expect people to empathize with me, given the stigma and all. I don't give a fuck if they're there in times of distress or whatever. But when I told him that I had a bipolar disorder I was hoping to get a little empathy, a bit of concern. I didn't receive any. He hasn't even as much as Google the thing. And I know this for sure because I know him that much.

Now I can't get those four years back. I have to live with this disorder that is now worse than ever. And I have to live with it alone.

Some life.

I think too much

I'd like to go on a ranting spree about my personal life but I'll postpone that for now. Maybe I would go out after all. Or maybe not. Man, I don't know.

I'm known for standing up people all the time but I want to change that. Problem is, I also know it wouldn't be healthy to go out. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Are the meds working?

My night is ruined.

I was supposed to go out. I have plotted tonight in my calendar weeks back. Now I don't think it would be a good idea to go. My ex has just been here in our house. It didn't do anything but just aggravate my already uncontrollable mood.

I am trying to level my emotions and gauging if I can do something to reverse the situation. Good thing I am still able to control myself. Other days I would just go out and get wasted. But insight and acceptance is important. I have accepted my illness and I want to get better. I keep telling myself this but right now all I really want to do is go out, drink some and then a lot.

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.