Which is it, the beginning or the end?

The transition between the summer and the rainy season brings in mixed feelings: the need to wake up and the urge to sleep in. While I didn't really have a "summer" kind of summer this time, the change in weather still hits as hard as any other year. Because after all, what makes summer "summer" is the weather. Or I can just keep telling myself that.

Days are still relatively hot and humid despite the occasional soft gusts of wind whistling through. The nights carry the very much missed cool breeze that makes stepping out to smoke a stick (or a joint) during witching hour more and more tempting everyday. Like such cheesy lines, the transition of seasons is both welcomed and not. While it signals the good end to a carefree season, the incoming weather brings in another challenge of not getting caught between the sheets of comfort and instead, choosing to get up and catch up on everything you missed being a (messed up) lazy summer bum.

In my case, the transition is equal to the pile of work left undone and the words left unsaid. I'd really rather take this as a cue to play "Dog Days Are Over" while eliminating the backlog one paperwork at a time. All the while I thought summer was my season. But summer of 2013 has taught me that as it turns out, I was just stuck in the highs of 2009, the speed of 2010, the romance of 2011, and the surprises of 2012. All the events of summer 2013 were some of the few things I don't look forward to reminiscing. Plus they all happened within myself and within a radius so short it might as well have been a dream or more aptly, a nightmare.

June 2009 - Went back to school like a rockstar
June 2010 - Was in Aurora for a really big thing I can't really say here
June 2011 - Varekai. VAREKAI.
June 2012 - Went back to the Film side of things

Maybe I should stop relating my life events to the weather, but one's got to look back in history, especially one that lives within a pattern that is yet to be broken. It's pretty clear that an overhaul is going to happen and I am more than ready for it, good or bad. At the moment though, I'll start by taking a long bath. If I'm going down, I might as well go down smelling good.

ARGH

Fuck this. No focus. No motivation.

I need some drugs. Just kidding.

I'm aching for a life revamp. Something new. But I'm always looking for something new. New love, new work, new environment, new highs. If I keep on looking for something new time and again I will forever live la vie boheme. I'm still not sure why that is such a bad thing though. Maybe I should go to that faraway land and hope that I will never get the urge to return. I should learn the good in the steady.

I was being a typical working petite bourgeois keeping passion projects on the side that I could already imagine myself being as boring and common for the rest of my life, but no, I just had to screw it all up.

Drama Aside

I have lost touch with myself. Two months ago, there were three related episodes/elements/events that triggered all of these reflexive posts online and a bit of self-destruction with a lot of self-contemplation offline, and I have just realized that I haven't shaken out of it since. I am looking forward to the day that I will be able to go back to those nasty conversations and write about them with the sensibility and full-grown humor of a proper hindsight. The only thing I need to focus on right now is to not stop moving. I need to get back on track with work and my relationships with people stat, or else I'd be broke, alone, and struggling with a very bad case of depression before I know it (i.e. in a few days time).

I have spent too much time trying to hold myself together that my life has started to fall apart. It took all of Me to try to stay afloat that I have forgotten my Self, and hence failed in trying to make it better.