I've made progress with my mood, I can say that. I no longer feel the dire need to go out, drink, smoke, run, do something dangerous and whatever else I could think impulsively at any given moment despite of however important my current task at hand would be. I feel more steady now. I wrote a little in my old notebook about not knowing where I am and other existentialist bullshit but it helped reflect and get in touch with what I really want and most importantly, realize what a big wuss I have been for the past days.
So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.
Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.
