Stressing out stress

Obviously I can't handle stress very well having a mood disorder. I either sulk and do nothing or try to do everything and still end up focusing on nothing. Last week I could barely lift my head up from the pillow so much as plug in my laptop charger, now I want to do everything and more, but too many things are running in my head I'm on an internal panic. But it's the relatively nicer kind of hypomania, and I'm thankful.

I had been down for weeks which the recent job loss scare aggravated, and I only started feeling that I was going up again I guess just two days ago; I was able to finish a report for work and yesterday another one. It never comes without a cost though.

I can't express my emotions very well in person, or I express it too well, I don't know. It's either I end up bursting into tears or into an ugly fit of anger. There is a recent event that has been stressing me out, but I can't talk about it because it shouldn't really concern me. Part of me would like to believe that I just don't understand grief very well and the ways that people cope with it but the saner part of me knows that I'm sensible enough to know. 

I don't hold back much when I write here but this time I think it's better not to divulge much detail. One important thing though, and I've said this too many times before it must be the truth, I don't think C and I are going to work. It's too complicated and I don't think I should be in such a taxing relationship. I could easily give up the good times in exchange of losing the stressful scenarios too. While I recognize that all relationships are stressful, I should also recognize when it's time to let go. I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW OKAY. 

For the past almost two months, I really thought we could live like this. Me doing my thing, him doing his. I wouldn't even have to hang out with his friends and family when I don't want to (and believe me, I don't want to) and he assured me that I don't have to. But this recent event just turned the entire relationship a whole 180 degrees.

I know that he's not feeling well, he's sad and all, but I just can't empathize. Not only that I can't empathize, it also annoys me when he opens up to me and says the wrong things. But I guess it's true love when you ask the person how he feels and listen to him in spite your internal turmoil. True love is something I'd rather pass out on then.

Why be with someone with friends and family you don't want to be with? And on the other hand, why be with someone who doesn't want to be with your friends and family?

So, C, if you're reading this, please break up with me. See, I'm not even decent enough to do it myself.

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I'll probably regret posting this and it will probably ruin the life of me despite trying my best to keep it toned down (yes, that is toned down, it's all worse inside my head). Oh, well.