“We are rarely proud when we are alone.” ― Voltaire

Right now I feel like watching something. Because I am yearning to feel. Anything. I don't know what happened last night. I was cold. Because I was proud. I didn't want him to see my knees getting weak when he's around. I held back my words because I didn't want him to hear me stutter

And now, all my I-should-haves are stuck between me and my will to move. I already miss him.

Existentialismo

Today, when I got off the MRT, I felt a sudden sinking feeling. Why was I there? Why am I here? I looked around me and none of it made sense. But you know what it was beautiful. So yeah, I had never really dreamt of having a boring desk job while raising a family too early in my life and I never really got around to figuring out what I really want to do, but I do know that there is the need to do something for this world. Like an offer or a service or an ode. I looked around me and saw city sky scrapers, bustling cars, softened by a filter of gray from the cloudy weather, and I thought about what I wanted to do right there and then. I wanted to write about it or take a picture of it. Just something. There is no point of having all these if we can't create something out of whatever this is. 

So there, which is probably I appear to be a bit peculiar, which is also probably why I will never meet a decent man that I would want to have seven children with. I'm a dork.

Leave Me Alone

Right now what I really want is some peace and quiet. But my ex is playing the ukulele and keeps talking bullshit with my roommate.I wish I have some good heaphones. Now that's another thing I need to add in my long list of things to buy. Like I'm not poor enough already.

God. Really.

I'm in that mood. When I just want to do things I want to do by myself. Distrub me and I will wage a war.

Of course I can't really do that. 'Cause I"m a cultured, functioning member of society.

And really, I just want to listen to my music, But they conveniently decide to watch a fucking movie. A fucking loud movie.

Imma go smoke some weed.

Weather-Weather Things

And here we go again. This feeling of wanting to do a lot of things. The urge to dream.

Really, I believe that there are a lot of things that I can do. But not things that are good enough creatively. I'm sure I can get rich if I wanted to. Get a desk job at a big corporation, work my way up, the works. But do I want to do that? No. I like doing things that challenge me. Things I'm not good at. Things I know I can do without investing capital. Which is why I can't really do photography as much as I want to, I don't have money for a camera. Who knows though, maybe I'll do that someday.

I'm going to start saving up, maybe. It's hard to do that with a lot of side projects though. I don't really believe in saving up, is the problem. I believe in doing things in the now, for the now. I don't see the point of doing things for something that isn't here yet or anymore. I'm not sure if this is the right perspective. It probably isn't. But it's getting me by. And that's the plan, just to get on with things. Not go crazy and try my best not to kill myself, most importantly.

I wish I have more time though. I wish I have enough time for both work and thoughts. But it's always one or the other. I have to give up thinking when I have to work and I have to give up work to give some time to thoughts. Like right now. I just have to find a better balance, is all. Sometimes I just feel physically exhausted to even think so I just resort to sleeping or hanging out with friends.

Which is why this onset of the rainy weather is a bit helpful. It triggered feelings I haven't had in a while. I know I shouldn't be enabling this mood but oh well, I've always been hard-headed.

Breathe

Kasi tangina mo, i-reto mo mukha mo. Gaano ka-kupal ang isang tao para sabihin 'yon, 'di ba? I. Cannot. Imagine. But it happened. It did. Fuck you. I deserve better. You're shit.

Summerchild

It's Day 38. Or 37.

It's not his fault. I did this to myself. I was the one who kissed him and pulled him downstairs. None of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so manic.

But that's me. I fall in love with the first person who likes me. He was so nice and I bet he still is in some ways but just not to me. Because he realized he never really liked me in that way. It was just a spur of the moment hypersexuality thing. He caught me at the wrong time though. I was ready. I wanted someone.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you through that.

But you shouldn't had been an asshole too.

Now I guess I'm back with games.

-------

She's nicer. The girl next door. Can't say prettier, but takes care of herself more. She's a dream girl. I've always thought that she was a rebound. That you just wanted someone to play with after we were done. But now I realize that I am the rebound. The second choice. The booty call.

I shouldn't have stalked her social media. This is what happens.

Forget about her, she is not important in the equation.

Although it makes it easier for me to move on when I think about him having someone else.

Obviously I'm conflicted.

-------

And you. There are no more sparks. I wish I could still look at you and feel the same awkwardness, because that would mean there's still something there. But we're like old friends now. I think I love you more now and still care about you, but we know we cannot happen. Not in this timeline. How perfect that would be though. Just thinking of the things we can do together makes me happy. But nope, not in this timeline.

-------

And you. I'll forever enjoy that little youthful tension I feel whenever I'm around you. Yours were there the first pair of eyes I got lost in.

-------

No, I am not available for dating until further notice.

Day 6: Lumaklak ka ng realidad

I might be going crazy. I've been thinking about him 24/7 since. I am tempted to look at his profile page but scared of what I might find. Because I am still in denial. I refuse to accept that he has already moved on.

I want to text him but I fear rejection. I've been left behind too many times in this lifetime that I feel like one more rejection will send me to the asylum.

If he does reply to my text though, I wouldn't know what to feel. I don't think I'd be happy either. I just want to move on and focus on myself. I have nothing to offer him.

Day 2A: Naaalala kita 'pag nakadilat at nakapikit ako

Kailangan kong ulit-ulitin sa sarili ko na "Asshole s'ya, asshole s'ya, asshole sya." pero hindi ko alam kung naniniwala pa rin ako. PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Kinukunsinti ko lang ba 'tong feelings na 'to? May choice ba, pwede bang hindi maramdaman 'to?

So how do I cope without getting intoxicated?

So I Googled "heartbreak" and "bipolar disorder" just so I can see the possible ways I can deal with this without getting any more mental.

I'm not sure it helped.

I just have to be proud with myself that I was able to make such difficult decision. It was the wise thing to do. Yes.

Day Two: I see your smile everywhere! Gaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ang sakit in so many parts. Actually ang sakit all over.

Maybe I'm just crashing and that's sort of my fault but FUCK, it is not getting any easier. The positivity of yesterday is gone and the possibility of the future unclear.

I remember him in every song. My heart slowly breaks everytime I hear a tune. He was on my mind when I saw the sun rise and I'll probably remember him when I look at the moon.

He is fucking everywhere.

Now I do not doubt the 100 days. I do need time.

Our conversation that night keeps playing in my head and I keep second-guessing my decision and thinking, oh pride, your cruel, cruel thing. What if what I thought was the wise decision was just my ego talking? Because I wanted to have the last say. I didn't want to look like I was begging him to take him me back even if that's exactly what I wanted him to say. I just wanted to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand all through the night.

But enough, he said it, he wasn't ready. I can't do with that. There's no future there.

Why am I even thinking about the future?

Shit. God damn.

I have to stand by what I said and I have to remember how much of an asshole he was. And I have to remember that he's dating someone now and by what I am told, he even brings her food in the rehearsals.

ENOUGH, DEE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THESE THOUGHTS. HE IS AN ASSHOLE, CORRECT?

Yeah. Right.

Day 1

I haven't been hurt this much by another person. And the stupidest thing is, I still like him. But I have decided--I'm through. If he doesn't like me enough to try and make things work then I'm done. I've been hurt too many times in this lifetime and I'm not willing to risk another for something that is not going to work in the long run anyway. I might be being too safe but hey, I've got my emotional health to take care of. I'm crazy enough as it is.

Today is the first day of my 100 Days to Moving On. A hundred days may seem too long, but those who have gone through the rollercoaster of a process called moving on would agree that it's a shitty long ride.. I shall lose feelings for him sooner than 100 days but to totally move on is a different challenge altogether. And also given my history of hanging on for too long in all cases, this would be probably the second most difficult challenge of the year, next to paying debts. I can't promise that there won't be moments of relapse--there will be a lot. But I shall try my best never to make the first move.

20 days of Denial
20 days of Anger
20 days of Bargaining
7 days of Depression (sorry, 20 days might kill me.)
Then Acceptance

This might be too ideal but I'm just throwing it out there. We'll see. At least I have found a way to amuse myself out of this crappiola of a situation.

Fact #1: I like him. Primarily because I chose him. I thought he was different. Isn't that always the story?
Fact #2: He might have liked me at one point but not enough to see it through.
Fact #3: If he shows just a slight hint that he still likes me, I'll come running back to him.

Let's be honest here, if Fact #3 does happen, I'd probably lose my mind. I should just remember not to invest any feelings. Just be cold inside. I can do that. I know I can. I've never but that doesn't mean I can't.

More importantly, do not expect and do not wish for Fact #3 to happen! Let's try to do this as less complicated as possible.

Let Day 1 begin.

kelan ba

Minsan mapapatanong ka na lang sa hangin, habang nakahiga, nakatititg sa kisame; kailan ba nagbago? Kukunin mo cellphone mo o mag-la-log in ka sa Facebook mo, babalikan mo 'yung convos n'yo, hahanapin mo; kailan ba nagbago?

Isang araw daw bigla na lang n'yang naisip, gusto n'yang mag-focus sa craft n'ya at sa sarili n'ya. Pero hinahanap mo, wala namang marka sa documentation mo ng buhay n'yo kung saan kaya nagbago. Excuse.

'Yung isa, hindi mo talaga mawari. Hindi mo alam kung pagsisisihan mong bigla kang nawala. Na siya ay bata at ikaw may mga responsibilidad ng isang matanda. Hindi na kaya ang mga dating pasulpot-sulpot na adventures.

Sana bumalik na lang ang lahat sa dati. Promise, ibibigay ko ang lahat, hihintayin ko ang sagot mo, at hindi ako papayag sa "keri".

Babay

Tulad ng kahit anong bagay na nakasama nang matagal, mahirap iwan basta-basta. Napagtanto ko, lahat ng desisyon ng paglisan ay may nakakabit na pait. Sabihin pang makakabuti, sabahin pang kinakailangan.

Pakiramdam ay tulad ng mga tanong. Sa akin lang kaya may halaga ang mga bagay? Ako lang kaya ang nakakaalala ng mga detalye tulad ng alikabok sa sulok ng pintuan? Minahal n'ya ba ako kahit kaunti, kahit minsan? Nagandahan ba talaga s'ya noong tinuro ko ang buwan?

Naaala mo kaya ang pagtakbo sa mauulang hapon? Ang biyahe ng bus papuntang rally? Ang pagkikita sa ilalim ng Philcoa overpass?

Papunta ako sa 'yo ngayon, para kumuha ng maleta. Pati paglisan ko ng bahay sa 'yo nakasalalay. Ano ba 'yan.

Just like the old times

I wish I can write
Sing
Dance
Take beats
From the heart

Meet the sun
With a new string of songs

Maaari ba akong umiyak lang ngayong gabi?

Ang problema, pati pag-iyak hindi ko na makuhang gawin. Hindi ko na kayang gumalaw. Pwede bang hindi na? Pwede bang tangina ng mundo ayaw muna kitang makita?

O pwede rin bang nandito ka na lang sa tabi ko? O sige, kahit sumaglit lang sa isang araw? Kahit saan, kahit papaano, kahit kailan. Pwede bang marinig ko lang na ika'y akin pa rin? Na ika'y hihintayin pa rin? Sa kabila ng lahat, iyon lang; ikaw lang.

Clean slate

Everything that has to end hurts.

99 problems

It feels weird to be happy. I need to gain my ground again because it's going to be a whole day's work tomorrow. There's still a lot of things I have to do for this prod and I shouldn't have smoked.

The only thing I have to figure out now is money. Where and how do I get fast money?

Oh well. I'll leave that for tomorrow. Good night.

Fleeting happiness.

It's Friday night and all your friends are at your ex's birthday party

No one and nothing else in the world.

Cellphone rings.

"Hi! Where are you?"

"I just got home"

"Are you going out tonight?"

Kind of planning to kill myself actually. What's up?

"Nah, I'm tired. Are you going to my ex's party?"

"I don't think so. You guys are not going anyway."

"No, they're going! You MUST go."

"Really? Alright, I'll call them up,"

Call ends.

There's nothing to hold on to.

"Hi, baby!"

Nothing.

Hopelessness. It's the worst feeling in the world.

"Where are you?"

"Just finished with rehearsals. Why?"

Can you come over and kill me?

"Nothing. Just bored."

"Are you doing anything tonight?"

No reply.

It's the end of the desert.

"Hey, baby, sorry if I haven't been replying to your texts. Awful lot of things to do. :( Good night. See you soon!"

"It's cool. :) Good night."

The fish is dead.

Basag trip nga

Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be like Antigone?

I made the effort of going to where P is tonight. I was hesitant to go only because I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday because so typical of me, I forgot to bring my toothbrush. But I had to. And I didn't know what to do. He is mesmerizing and perfect and wonderful and I am this. I am average. I am an intimidated commoner in love with a masterpiece.

I liked a status of his on Facebook for the first time tonight. Just to show that I care. It's a small gesture yet also a grand one on this day and age. People take these things seriously. I hope I don't push him away eventually.

I am sleepy and hungry. The healthiest thing to do would be to sleep and yet here I am.

Must take better care of myself now. Good night.

Online

Tangina, I am so frustrated with where this is going or with not knowing where this is going. How can the person you like be online and you do not talk to them? Maybe I just need to distract myself because obviously he already is distracted. This is what I hate about dating theater people, because I don't get them. I also don't get musicians. And writers. I get filmmakers. Now there you go. Film it is. Or maybe I should expose myself more to theater to help me understand.

He's not even interested on what's been going on with my life. I want to just AAAAARGHHHH!!! So much for thinking this one's going to be different. I thought that even though we don't see each other for weeks on end because--

And I kind of take that back because he just asked me how I am. GAHD, I'M PATHETIC.

It's just hard for someone like me who needs so much attention and who is so clingy and needy and everything a person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.

I SUCK SO MUCH.

Friday Morning

Good morning. You're still the first thing on my mind. That's okay, this is not new. I experienced the same thing with B and F. I just don't want to be left hanging. You can tell me if I'm being clingy, or if you can't text me as often as you used to, or if you don't want this anymore. But don't leave me hanging. Communication is important to me.  And if you can't give me that, this isn't going to work.

Then again, we're not together so.. this is just me being paranoid, really. I'll wait until March. Then we'll know. :)