tangina my heart

morning: bursts of sunshine and tiny droplets of rain

westernly wind and
an urge to leap through the night.

Things were starting to dim when
"Come on over."

bass drum in syncopated beats

Most people have luxuries they can't give up; this is mine.

I like being young at heart. It's something that I would never grow out of and would never like to anyway.
--
This feeling is new to me again.
--
I want to start drawing and learn painting. I also need  my own camera badly.
--
I will forever associate the romanticism of bus stops to you.

Dear Doctor

I would like to give my sincerest apologies because I'm deeply infatuated. Please don't get mad. I didn't intend for this to happen.

I'm back

I miss going to the doctor. I have totally neglected myself and I recognize that now. I need to take care of myself more. I need to be with my family. I've been sucked in by the grandeur of youth. I must find balance.

Nevermind this infatuation I am supposed to be feeling but could no longer because I'm not manic. I must watch my mood and feelings especially when I'm manic. Being down, at least I know I'm down and I try my best to fight even if only in my mind, even if I could not. But being manic, I revel at how high up I am and forget.

So, fuck stress, fuck crushes, fuck drugs. Let's do this. Let's get better once again.

Dahil Gusto Kita

Ang gulo ng lahat, internal at eksternal, ngunit masaya ako kapag kasama ka. Sapat na ba 'yon? Handa akong maghintay hanggang ika'y maging handa; hahawakan mo ba ang kamay ko? Sana'y bigyan mo naman ako ng pagkakataon, hindi na baleng mabigo. Bigyan mo na ako ng sagot, hindi ko man matanong.

Ngayon lang ako naka-relate sa kantang Bakuran, utang na loob.

Ang huling dalawang araw na nakasabay kita sa biyahe ng bus

Kasabay nang paggiba sa lumang overpass ng Philcoa ang desisyon kong magpaalam na sa nararamdaman ko sa 'yo.

Noong araw na sabay tayong lumuwas mula sa Muntinlupa papuntang rally, sabay din tayong umuwi mula UP. Saktong-sakto, pauwi ako galing sa isang meeting sa Sarah's, ikaw mula sa org event sa Maskom. Nagkita tayo sa ilalim ng overpass.

--

Hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing una kitang napansin, galing rehearsal shoot, sa bahay nina CPG, sa harap ng book shelf.
Pangalawang beses pagkatapos ng shoot, sa apartment, nag-aagawan ng patutugtugin.
Pangatlong beses sa UP, pagkagaling mong 10K run. Proud ako kahit wala akong karapatan. Pumunta tayo sa lumang clay court.
Pang-apat na beses sa Sarah's, kakauwi lang ni Rob galing Cebu. Ang pogi mo no'n.
Lagi't lagi na kitang napapansin pagkatapos no'n.

May mga panahong akala ko ayaw ko na sa 'yo. Noong una dahil ang hirap mong abutin, pagkatapos ay meron ka palang ibang gusto. Pagkatapos ay ibang mahal.

--

Kaya ititgil ko na, at bukas ay iiiwan sa overpass.

pag may ibang mahal yung mahal mo

actually okay lang. ba't kaya. medyo hindi okay, pero okay lang. lamuyon? hahaha. di kasing devastating ng inaasahan.

haaaaaaaaaaaay, B.

okay, hanap ulit ng bago. hehe.

ikaw lang ang gusto

sa kinahaba-haba ng mga araw ko, natatapos lang sa pag-iisip sa 'yo, sa pag-alala sa huling usap natin, at sa pagninilay kung masarap na ba ang tulog mo.

the more you ignore me the closer i get

I miss writing as much as I miss reading second-hand books and watching Studio Ghibli films. I promise I will make time next month. This sould needs to be fed. And I need to have breakfast now.

do i wanna know?

hi i'm crashing
so many shit has happened
i don't even know what to write anymore

quick updates?
C and I are working together on an indie film. it wasn't by chance, i asked him to help. i know. i don't know. we're not getting back together, no.
went on a loc hunt with JN, went to zambales, subic, bataan. i want to go with her on the next trip but i have a shoot.
i have too many things on my plate. i pushed myself too far so now here i am, can't move. i'm trying my best though. i cooked a little dinner and will be starting meditation in a while.
my stomach hurts because i didn't eat the whole day ugh

anyare

hindi ko na alam gagawin ko ang pangit ng araw na to kelangan kong lumabas ng bahay fuck

hey yo

So, wow, pwede pala talagang mangyari 'yung iba ang kasama mo pero iba ang nasa isip mo. Ang saklap, ang sakit. Wala akong magawa. Tingin ko matutulog pa ako nang konti. Tapos magkakape siguro. Ewan ko. Eww, kape.

Papasok s'ya sa 10am class n'ya kasi may ini-event s'ya do'n na cute at wala, gusto n'ya lang i-share.

ttfn, life

men di ko alam kung ano tong pinapasok ko
medyo desperado lang talaga sa pera putangina
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what is happiness

i am broke. flat broke. i have nothing to pay my bills. and i'm lost. this is new to me again. i want to shave my head. i can't even afford a haircut. i can't even afford my own food.

but i feel so content because of the people around me. i know i should still face the realities of life but truth is, i like it like this. i don't care about money. i want to stay like this.

but i that this is temporary. the day will come that the people i am with now will no longer be there whenever i yearn for a walk in the campus or a smoke in my room or a drink in Sarah's. time will come they will move on and I would still be stuck here until I've found new people to do these things with.

so i need to move. i need to move fast. slow is okay. steady is ideal. but it's not reality.

darating yung araw na wala nang gustong makipagtrabaho sa kin

hello

ito ang hassle sa pagiging inlab. lagi kang sumusuko. laging masakit.

walang inlab na hindi naghirap.

hindi ko malaman kung ano bang lagay ko.
mukha kasi talagang wala na.

ang loser ko.

Sure, right now is shitty. Today is shitty. The past couple of weeks have been shitty. But I look back to my 25 years of existence and think, Not bad. Not bad at all.

Quarter of a life

So I guess that was it, my first 25 years on this earth. Do I regret anything? I'm not sure. It's hard to say when you just lost your job for no good reason, just a state of being bipolar and irresponsible.

When I first found out I was bipolar, I lived it. I consciously did. Later on, I realized that I shouldn't. Because it doesn't define me. Then I forgot. I forgot that I had to take care of myself. That I would go overboard if I wasn't careful. So this is the lesson of my 25th birthday. Tread lightly and carefully.

Maybe I'll find a way out of this; I usually do.

I need a routine. I need to be healthy again.

Habagat

Maraming may kabuluhan sa mundong ito. ngunit wala na sa mga natatanaw ko. At one point naisip ko na lang, bakit kasi nakabukas ang electric fan?! Bumangon ako at pinatay ko ito. Hindi na masyadong maginaw.

Aww, I miss my almost-roommate, G.

Parang walang masaya sa mga lalaki sa buhay ko na palagi kaming magkasama lately ni G. Hindi ko masyadong gets.