New meds

I feel weird. It's like my whole body is being tickled from the inside. I feel good but at the same time I feel like laughing at everything but at the same time it's different from the feeling of being high on weed.

A little bit of humor goes a long way

I handed my mom a pamphlet about bipolar disorder that my doctor gave to me.

She read aloud, "Two Sides of Self-Identity."

Then an awkward silence...

We burst out laughing.

Good times.

Scenarios

I was thinking about bipolar disorder and how it does not define a person. I thought about the different reactions that different people might have. This is all for fun, of course. :D

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Tell me something I don't know.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Can I have something cooler? Can I, can I? Pretty, pretty please?

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: God, I can't wait to tell Takumi andl the Colonel.*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *starts sobbing*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: I don't think so.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: A-ha! I won!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: That is the best worst best worst best worst news.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *thinks about a  hundred other scenarios*
--

*A Looking for Alaska reference. Takumi and the Colonel are Alaska's bestfriends.

Brochure

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong, recurrent illness. But there are various ways in which you can still lead a full life. Some suggessti... Bipolar ... lifelong, recurrent illness ... Bi..po..lar ... disorder ... a lifelong ... illness ... recurrent illness ... LIFELONG ... RECURRENT ... a l..i..f.....e.....long....rec...urre...nt... lifelong.... recur...ren...t...ill.n..e..s...s...

So tired

Man, I'm so tired. Each part of my body aches.

My manic state's getting worse.

Man.

Not Helping

Goddammit, may ex is an insensitive bastard.

I don't know how it happened but for some fucking reason he and my bestfriend saw each other last night and he told my bestfriend why we broke up. He told her this in front of someone we also know. I don't know what he said and it doesn't even matter what he said but WHO DOES THAT?

Am I not even allowed to mourn this shit through?

Are people always going to come up to me saying that my ex told them about what happened and blah and blah?

Why wouldn't he just focus on his own fucking problems than feeling the need to buzz people up all the time looking for someone to drink with, smoke with, and talk with?

As if telling me that I'm over reacting would help. Really. When did that kind of attitude help with any situation?

I wish people in the world would stop talking for a fucking while and start listening.

Crushed

I'm a mess. And no, fuck no, it's not going to be okay.

A Snack Shack realization

Stories about hustling weed. taking shrooms, and visiting locked up friends. These are the things I don't want hearing everyday for the rest of my life. It was a good reminder that there's no room for thinking twice, I'm on the right  track, I just need to move on a steadier pace. How do you get out of the labyrinth again? That's right, straight and fast.

In case you do not get it, that's a "vague" right there. Okay, Imma shut up now.

Morning music is my bestfriend, cheering me on.

Mood: stressed, freaking out, ready to give up

Physical status: has a head-splitting migraine, nauseous, sleep-deprived

Emotional status: all over the place

Mind: perfect, creative, and objective

Today's going to be a long day and I need to get my mood sorted and get a better grip of myself.

I can do this. You know why? Because I'm awesome.

You can do it!

Tiis-tiis, ipon-ipon. No eating out, no movie houses, no buying of any gadgets. Commute everyday, work harder, skip summer. You'll get there, baby, you'll get there.

On another note

I seriously need to get my laptop's keyboard fixed. I can't work on the desktop for hours on end without air-conditioning. This heat is a killer!

A creative block would be a very lucky problem to have

I don't want to work, I just want to make mixtapes all day. And for some reason I want to do some Photoshopping. Should I just waste all this energy to work when I can actually create something beautiful at this very moment? Oh, woe is the Petty B.

Maybe everything we want so badly is worth the wait

I tend to be very technical/mechanical when watching films on a normal day so sometimes when I'm watching a movie for the first time, after a few minutes in I decide on whether or not it is meant to be watched at that particular space-time. Usually I decide on this for the movies that I feel I would like very much. And when I say "like very much", I mean the following: life influence, catharsis, fandom, feelings. The chosen ones are saved for some other time. That perfect time. Sometimes it happens weeks or months after, sometimes even years, sometimes never. And sometimes I get it right.

Tonight I decided to watch Moonrise Kingdom, which I downloaded so many months ago. I just knew that it was what I wanted to watch and that tonight was the best time to get the most out of the experience. Boy, was I right. I wouldn't even review the film. It's too important for that. I'll probably over-analyze it one of these days anyway, but not tonight.

In case anybody's reading this, don't even look at the photos below if you haven't seen the movie yet. It will spoil too much for you. Heed my words. (I even refuse to use uploaded screencaps because they are filtered. Handpicked and screencapped these from my own player.)

Yay to false hopes and dreams that would never come true

I was browsing through Tumblr when I realized, yeah, why would I no longer want to see the world? So, just maybe, I want to chase after those impossible dreams again.

And maybe I'd like to see snow melt outside my window too, at least before I die.

Well, just maybe.

These Things

When does Hatred end, I wonder? At what point? Whenever you get mad at someone, does it just crossfade to The Life After? Simultaneously, Hatred fades out very slowly, The Life After fades in very slowly. Or does it sit there in the dark corner with its bright eyes, watching your every move, waiting for the perfect time to pounce?

Told you today would be a different story

I'm forcing myself to get out of the house this afternoon and will also try to go jogging tomorrow. IN THIS HEAT. (I wake up at around 3 or 4am nowadays anyway so I'll be done before the sun comes up.)

I just have to do these things for my sake.

“At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

What music does to me

Today, at this very moment, I feel like I am ready to forgive. We don't know what tomorrow holds though, but I'm betting it would be an entirely different feeling.

I was feeling better

We know that when one starts to blog in bullet points it means that she has nothing good to share. With that being said...

From the good down to the not-so-bad:

• As part of my Better Well-Being Project, I slept for at least 12 hours straight. Woke up feeling re-energized and better. 
• Mixtapes I uploaded are trending.  Although I don't think I'm too happy with the last one. I should have taken more time making it.
• So many people roll they eyes on Vampire Weekend, but I am a proud fan. And this song has been giving me the good vibes for the last few days:.




The above song uses a (hook) line from:




Both the above songs use elements from:


Ain't music a cool thing? Ugh, too bad nobody reads this shit.
• The Voice Season 4 has been very amusing so far. It hits my cheap-entertainment-and-crappy-pop-culture bone right in the middle. I have never been this entertained by a talent show since... ever, I think.
• I'm feeling optimistic because it's less than a week away from something. I'm sure I can hold on until then.
• My dream was hella weird. Video-game-slash-thriller-movie weird.
• Too many mixtapes, books, and movies, so little time.
• I wonder why talking to people eventually leads to my annoyance. I should just give up conversations altogether.

Dreaming while half-asleep = half-daydreaming?

I woke up to the theme song of Nickelodeon's Victorious which my brothers were watching. I was never a fan of the show but hearing the song made me feel good. I was still half-asleep and the thought of getting up has not yet crossed my mind. I was lying in my bed when I thought, not a bad song to wake up to. Quite inspiring. I suddenly want to chase after my dreams. Then I remembered, inspired to do what? Chase after what dreams?

...

....

..

.....

.

...

Then I got up. 

Well, that was depressing. Ha ha! Cheerio.

Vulnerability

One vague post coming right up!

I like being strong. I have always had to be strong. I am the cold, conservative, unapproachable girl to some. Yes, I am one of those who rarely opens up herself. Yes, you may roll your eyes. In the rare event that I do open up myself to someone, it fucks me up almost every time. Because I can't handle the feeling of someone knowing that much about me then not being on my side when shit boils down. If you offer yourself to be my friend, then a friend you must be. If I feel otherwise even for just a little bit, I will most likely push you away. And I can't even help it. I hate the feeling of vulnerability as much as I hate the feeling of betrayal. They are one and the same to me.

The cold-hearted bitch might just be back soon. For now you must allow me to mourn.