Such bad timing.
Will post on Monday... or tomorrow night. Ugh. T_T
23.7.11
X(
I cannot even explain what I'm feeling right now. Everything is so fucked uuuuuuuup. I'll try to go to sleep now before I even fuck it up more, if that's even possible.
21.7.11
Sandman
I want/need to go to sleep. I want/need to rest. I want/need my peace. I want/need to obliviate my own memory. Oh, pleeeeeeeease.
nonsensical blog post
Neverland
Tonight I watched Varekai for the second (and probably the last) time. We were offered the chance to watch it again before it leaves town on Sunday.
I don't even have words to describe the experience. You have to be there to know. Sure I see the show everyday; we have LCD screens backstage and in the Artistic Tent but Varekai, more than anything, is about the live experience. The feeling you get during the show and, most especially, after.
Trying to remember photographically won't do any good. It's not about playing back what you saw. It's about reminiscing the feeling, and I'll try my best to hold on to that feeling. Because if magic feels like anything, this is it.
I'd hate for this whole Varekai experience to end but like everything else, it will. I've got four days left in my Neverland.
I don't even have words to describe the experience. You have to be there to know. Sure I see the show everyday; we have LCD screens backstage and in the Artistic Tent but Varekai, more than anything, is about the live experience. The feeling you get during the show and, most especially, after.
Trying to remember photographically won't do any good. It's not about playing back what you saw. It's about reminiscing the feeling, and I'll try my best to hold on to that feeling. Because if magic feels like anything, this is it.
I'd hate for this whole Varekai experience to end but like everything else, it will. I've got four days left in my Neverland.
20.7.11
People.
Having felt guilty, I texted my friend that we should watch a film next week when Cinemalaya moves to UP so that I could make "bawi". He said OK, as long as I bring a "chick" with me. More than this being a sexist remark, it annoyed the wits out of me because... well, because! I invite you as a friend and then you tell me to bring you a date as a prerequisite. I mean, I did promise to help him out with his love woes but I said it I'll do it at the right time, when I'm ready. I still have my own life problems to take care of and that's just being insensitive. I get that by friendship being a social contract there is understandably an exchange of acceptance of obligations and acting out of duties to one another but I don't think a date would be an appropriate gift given the circumstances.
And I'm being extremely dramatic. It's no big deal.
And I'm being extremely dramatic. It's no big deal.
Sometimes
Sometimes I want to tell you exactly what you did to me. How much you have hurt me. How you broke me. How I can never get proper sleep. I want to tell you how I get nightmares, waking up in sweat. How I can never trust anyone anymore. How I lost my friends, my self-esteem, my life, all at the same time. How I'm mending every bit of my soul one. by. one. How I try my best to step out the door but always end up crawling back in bed. How I gave my all to you, not sparing myself with anything. How it ended so badly. How my faith in love, in friendship, was shattered. How I nudge questions about you, about me. How I always long for someone to talk to but never having the guts to Buzz them. How I'm afraid. Afraid of everything, everyone. How I am now. This. How I can never tell you this. Because this, is how much I still care for you.
There's So Much to Say
I tried, really.
I was able force myself out of the house. But instead of going to CCP to watch Amok with a friend, I ended up watching Niño alone at Greenbelt. What happened was, a lot of people suddenly wanted to tag along and I, being overly stupid and emotional, wasn't really in the mood to hang around with people. The thought of having to smile all the time, answering questions and laughing at their jokes was enough to send me crawling back to my shell. Now I feel bad because I flaked on my friend. Then again, it was he who invited all those people! I wanted to see him after the screening but he didn't respond to my text. Should I say sorry or do you think it's no big deal? I'm so bad at this stuff.
In other news, Niño turned out great! Such beautiful direction. :)
I guess I really am not ready to go out there. I'm not being an escapist here. I just want to take things slow. I don't want to be caught by surprise and end up holing up again. I want to regain my trust in human relationships. I still think that not all relationships are doomed but somehow that's how I feel. I feel like I can't trust anyone although I believe that this is not true. My heart says no, no, no, be careful or prepare for a crash-and-burn but my mind says, some important people in my life (whom I love) may have left but that doesn't mean that people will keep leaving. I want to believe this. I want to believe in BFFs and growing old together. Now that's me being romantic (and being a huge Harry-Ron-Hermione friendship fan. LOL.) In reality, people come and go, and I need to get that to my head. My separation issue roots itself from anecdotal history dating back to my childhood. I know I sound like I'm sick in the head, but it's actually perfectly normal to have separation issues as it is to have dependency issues.
2011, I HATE YOU.
I was able force myself out of the house. But instead of going to CCP to watch Amok with a friend, I ended up watching Niño alone at Greenbelt. What happened was, a lot of people suddenly wanted to tag along and I, being overly stupid and emotional, wasn't really in the mood to hang around with people. The thought of having to smile all the time, answering questions and laughing at their jokes was enough to send me crawling back to my shell. Now I feel bad because I flaked on my friend. Then again, it was he who invited all those people! I wanted to see him after the screening but he didn't respond to my text. Should I say sorry or do you think it's no big deal? I'm so bad at this stuff.
In other news, Niño turned out great! Such beautiful direction. :)
I guess I really am not ready to go out there. I'm not being an escapist here. I just want to take things slow. I don't want to be caught by surprise and end up holing up again. I want to regain my trust in human relationships. I still think that not all relationships are doomed but somehow that's how I feel. I feel like I can't trust anyone although I believe that this is not true. My heart says no, no, no, be careful or prepare for a crash-and-burn but my mind says, some important people in my life (whom I love) may have left but that doesn't mean that people will keep leaving. I want to believe this. I want to believe in BFFs and growing old together. Now that's me being romantic (and being a huge Harry-Ron-Hermione friendship fan. LOL.) In reality, people come and go, and I need to get that to my head. My separation issue roots itself from anecdotal history dating back to my childhood. I know I sound like I'm sick in the head, but it's actually perfectly normal to have separation issues as it is to have dependency issues.
2011, I HATE YOU.
19.7.11
Hello, world. I am ready for you.
Yesterday I watched HP 7.2 with my family. Pierced through my wallet but it was worth it. I'd watch it again, given the chance.
Today I'm watching either Amok at the CCP or Niño at Greenbelt 3.
See? Baby steps, darling, baby steps. :)
Today I'm watching either Amok at the CCP or Niño at Greenbelt 3.
See? Baby steps, darling, baby steps. :)
18.7.11
Tonight, no, I don't miss you.
Tonight was crazy fun! Imagine the Varekai people on jeepneys, escorted by 20 Hell's Angels (on big-ass bikes, of course) all the way to Handlebar from The Manila Hotel. Now that's a grand entrance.
With Varekai, I'm always exhausted on Sundays but it has also always been worth it.
16.7.11
Back to Square One
I don't think I'll be able to live up to my goal of going out on Sunday. I'm too down. All because of a wee chat convo the other night. Grrrrrrrreat.
15.7.11
It Has to be Said.
Comparing what you feel/felt for/with me to what you feel/felt for/with her, not cool.
14.7.11
I'm Not Calling You a Liar
There are days when I wish that I was a better liar. White lies are fine sometimes--rarely--but I tell it so bad. My truthfulness has placed me in a lot of inconvenient scenarios, to say the least. Times when I can't tell the truth, I keep my mouth shut. Though moments come when I feel compelled to lie and they just come out of my mouth, but I eventually tell the truth anyway, given the chance, so I still inevitably meet my inconvenient fate.
But when I think of people who lie and people who are worse, everything turns around. I forget this pointless aspiration of mine of becoming a professional liar. Liars are pretentious and pretentious people are liars. Even people who pretend to like you are liars, even the ones who tell you stories about the people they hate are liars. Hey, a little twist of the story here and there makes it sound better. Makes the storyteller receive more empathy. When one is very emotional, sometimes s/he can't control what comes out of his/her mouth or his/her thoughts. Okay, I get that, I can live with that. Still, I'd rather be objective and careful when talking to other people about other people. That's why I have this blog anyway, for the emotional stuff.
So, clearly, there are people who I may not hate but I would never envy nor ever want to be like.
A:
I've got nothing to prove nor explain to you, Your Fatness. I am a good person and do not usually do this (write cyberly about a hater) but I just have to let this out of my system. Hate me all you want, but everybody knows, I never did anything even close to remotely hurt you. I can be a snob (I'm sure I was never to you) but I always have good intentions and never speak ill of anybody if only for that reason. You will stay on my ignore list until that day I decide what to do with you. Be grateful. Cheers.
(Saved this in Drafts on 1/8/11. My feelings and opinion of you still remain.)
B:
No, you don't have everything. Pretending that you do makes me want to BE TRUTHFUL to everyone and tell them what your life is really like. Bad-mouthing me doesn't make you a better person either. Don't think you are reformed. You have done far worse things than I--dirty, disgusting things I would never dream of doing. To makes mistakes and to do bad things intentionally are two entirely different things.
C:
Know what? You're of no help. Keep your mouth shut. Sew it up if needed. It's this simple: I know what you did last summer.
D:
To the storytellers. It's none of my business. They're your friends. Of course they'll sympathize. But I just want to say that I feel bad and you have probably also hurt other people by telling what you feel about them to other people. So, it's your thing. Whatever.
E:
To the friends. I don't hate you. Not at all. I was happy, so happy to have lived you. You are not liars either. But I had to leave. I need my peace.
---
It doesn't end here.
But when I think of people who lie and people who are worse, everything turns around. I forget this pointless aspiration of mine of becoming a professional liar. Liars are pretentious and pretentious people are liars. Even people who pretend to like you are liars, even the ones who tell you stories about the people they hate are liars. Hey, a little twist of the story here and there makes it sound better. Makes the storyteller receive more empathy. When one is very emotional, sometimes s/he can't control what comes out of his/her mouth or his/her thoughts. Okay, I get that, I can live with that. Still, I'd rather be objective and careful when talking to other people about other people. That's why I have this blog anyway, for the emotional stuff.
So, clearly, there are people who I may not hate but I would never envy nor ever want to be like.
A:
I've got nothing to prove nor explain to you, Your Fatness. I am a good person and do not usually do this (write cyberly about a hater) but I just have to let this out of my system. Hate me all you want, but everybody knows, I never did anything even close to remotely hurt you. I can be a snob (I'm sure I was never to you) but I always have good intentions and never speak ill of anybody if only for that reason. You will stay on my ignore list until that day I decide what to do with you. Be grateful. Cheers.
(Saved this in Drafts on 1/8/11. My feelings and opinion of you still remain.)
B:
No, you don't have everything. Pretending that you do makes me want to BE TRUTHFUL to everyone and tell them what your life is really like. Bad-mouthing me doesn't make you a better person either. Don't think you are reformed. You have done far worse things than I--dirty, disgusting things I would never dream of doing. To makes mistakes and to do bad things intentionally are two entirely different things.
C:
Know what? You're of no help. Keep your mouth shut. Sew it up if needed. It's this simple: I know what you did last summer.
D:
To the storytellers. It's none of my business. They're your friends. Of course they'll sympathize. But I just want to say that I feel bad and you have probably also hurt other people by telling what you feel about them to other people. So, it's your thing. Whatever.
E:
To the friends. I don't hate you. Not at all. I was happy, so happy to have lived you. You are not liars either. But I had to leave. I need my peace.
---
It doesn't end here.
Life Plan
Varekai is ending on the 24th and I seem to still not find the will to look for a new job. What I want really is to have a vacation after this gig, but I also need to think about my sister and my brothers. Oh, life. :(
---
Why do some people have to make things complicated? Here I am, trying my best to move on (it's no easy goal) and suddenly he chats me up. Everything he says just makes things harder than they already are.
Just leave me alone. Please.
---
Why do some people have to make things complicated? Here I am, trying my best to move on (it's no easy goal) and suddenly he chats me up. Everything he says just makes things harder than they already are.
Just leave me alone. Please.
13.7.11
Getting The Hang of It
There are still the occasional pangs in my heart especially during night time when I get home tired and with no one to talk to but hey, I think I'll be fine. Eventually, yes.
I think I'm ready to go out now., like somewhere that is not home or work. I think I'll start on Sunday. I can do this, yeah?! Woo-hoo!
I think I'm ready to go out now., like somewhere that is not home or work. I think I'll start on Sunday. I can do this, yeah?! Woo-hoo!
12.7.11
11.7.11
Summer Took My Youth With It
These days I really would just rather stay home and sulk. I'm glad that because of Varekai I still find the willpower to get out of the house everyday. I've also started reading again, even when I'm just traveling on my way to and from work. I wish I have an on-call friend though. I'd settle for a dog but I'm not allowed one in the house because I have a baby brother. See, I'm living with my parents again. It's a long story I'm not entirely psyched to tell at the moment. Yes, it has got to do with C. I lost my friends. Maybe partly it was of my own choosing. Maybe I didn't have to lose them. I am just so tiiiiiiired. I've been carrying the people around me for a very long time. It's about time I take care of myself. So, my job is all I have now and it too will be gone in two weeks' time. I don't know what's going to happen to me when that moment comes. I don't want to think about it yet. I just want to rest my soul from all the vexations. Sabeeeeeeeeehhh?!
10.7.11
5.7.11
New Book
I bought a new book yesterday (my day off). A circus novel aimed to young adult readers. As if I have time to read.
Seriously Rethinking
my decisions.
I'm not sure if I really want to work two jobs anymore. Although I want to try how far I can go, I think it would be a waste of time and money if I just end up quitting at the end of the week. There are other jobs out there I can try getting into after Cirque.
Plus I need a lot of time by myself.
By taking this job, it is:
Monday: Errands
Tuesday to Friday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1900 to 0000 - Cirque
Saturday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1500 to 0000 - Cirque
Sunday: 1230 to 2130 - Cirque
But I want to:
* Heal - yoga, meditation
* Learn - dressmaking, DIYs, drawing
* Travel (and get cultured) - within Metro Manila in the meantime, like Chinatown and Hindu temple; go backpacking in the future
See my work schedule? Including travel time (with no traffic) I can get 5 hours sleep MAX from Mondays to Fridays, and no sleep at all on Saturdays.
I want to spend more time with myself but I think I need more money, plus I need the writing job experience and I would NEVER quit Cirque. I don't know.
I'm not sure if I really want to work two jobs anymore. Although I want to try how far I can go, I think it would be a waste of time and money if I just end up quitting at the end of the week. There are other jobs out there I can try getting into after Cirque.
Plus I need a lot of time by myself.
By taking this job, it is:
Monday: Errands
Tuesday to Friday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1900 to 0000 - Cirque
Saturday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1500 to 0000 - Cirque
Sunday: 1230 to 2130 - Cirque
But I want to:
* Heal - yoga, meditation
* Learn - dressmaking, DIYs, drawing
* Travel (and get cultured) - within Metro Manila in the meantime, like Chinatown and Hindu temple; go backpacking in the future
See my work schedule? Including travel time (with no traffic) I can get 5 hours sleep MAX from Mondays to Fridays, and no sleep at all on Saturdays.
I want to spend more time with myself but I think I need more money, plus I need the writing job experience and I would NEVER quit Cirque. I don't know.
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