Two weeks ago, I was ready to say I love you.
For a while, we were okay. I thought that, finally, things would change. But hearing myself say these words now just makes me want to hit myself in the head. I've thought this too many times before, what made me think it would be different this time?
I don't remember what happened nor why I had a sudden change of heart. But I remember the feeling. I never forget the feeling. I don't remember what was said because I rarely talk back anymore. Whenever hurtful words are said I make sure it goes out of the other ear. Whenever I am hurt by your actions, I make sure to let it pass. No point in bearing unnecessary stress. So I let it go. But not the feeling. I just never forget the feeling.
Arundhati Roy said something about it in The God of Small Things, "When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do.They make people love you a little less"
I thought things would be better as long as I kept you on the edge and on your toes. That you'll strive as long as you weren't too comfortable. Man, I had really thought... Stop. I have to stop blaming my thoughts.
Ningas kugon.
Truth is, I don't want to talk about it anymore but we will, because you will ask--what happened? You were changing to a better person. You have a job now. You rarely go out with your friends anymore. I have no answer. I chose to forget it all. Except the feeling.
We're not even back to square one, we're way behind square one. And I don't know where we'll go from here. I'm just tired of fighting for something I'm not even sure of. For now, I feel myself slowly pulling away, yearning to let go, to move on, and to start over.
Too bad, I was ready to say I love you.
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