Under the unbelievably fucking hot weather. It's that time of the month when no matter what you do, nothing can save you from your own self-pitying and wallowing. Even without the self-pitying and wallowing, still, nobody can save you from yourself.
Well, L is online. I feel like saying Hi and at the same time I don't. Imagine having a small talk while on a rollercoaster, an emotional rollercoaster. Plus, he wouldn't understand anymore, we've grown apart. He's there and I'm... I'm nowhere. It would be like this:
Me: Hey yo!
L: Yo
Me: Kamusta?
L: Okay lang.
Me: Balita?
L: Ganon pa rin
Me: Ayos.
See? Now that I posted that I feel like I need to prove that I'm right. But I won't. Or maybe I will.
I wish C's online. He's the one I really feel like talking to right now.
I don't even have cellphone credits for the love of all things holy and unholy!
Knee-deep shit. That doesn't even come close to describing what I am in right now. A quicksand that never really engulfs you, it just pulls you down slowly, scares you, stumps your breath, threatens to swallow you, but it doesn't. It just lets you hang around there. Wait for the end that will not come, which makes it more horrible than the end.
And the worst of it all, it's not even summer yet. I have no excuse for this vortex. Everyone's doing great, acting fine and dandy, with sunshine and rainbows and their eat-pray-love ideologies. (Excuse me while I throw up.) I can't be the only one going through shit like this.
This is also why I'm scared of growing old. I am sure that I'm going to be like this forever: hormonal, depressed, emotionally unstable. And that's not cute when you're 30. I am sure if I'm still like this by then there will be no one else left to stand by me and put up with my lunacy.
I can't wait for summer. Summer's my thing. It's during summer when people see me as a young, normal individual just being young and normal.
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So, yes, I did it. I messaged him. Just to prove myself right. I do that. See? It's all crazy here. The conversation went like this:
Me: Hey yo!
And then about 10 seconds passed and then I went offline.
And then another 10 seconds and I'm back online.
Okay, so I'm wrong. WHATEVER.
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This is so difficult. C, where are you? Friends, where are you? Of course I know where you are. Busy living your lives. I also am busy living mine, being sucked by said quicksand, WHICH I WISH WOULD JUST FREAKING SWALLOW ME TO GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
No one to talk to, no one to talk to. I miss having housemates. I miss going to school. Well, there's always Chatroulette, if only I wanted to get visually raped!
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Okay, so how long have I been typing now? I'm not sure. It's an endless spiral. AND I AM COMPLETELY FUKKEN SOBER. Oh, woe is me.
Okay, that kind of hurt. L didn't even reply. Friendship completely over then. My fault of course. But that's not the issue here. The issue is I have nobody to talk to.
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And it's so hot. It may not be summer yet but it is hot.
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It pierces through. It hurts inside, to the core of the soul and then back out to the tips of the hair on my arms.
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