G just asked me when's the last time C and I had sex. I'm feeling anxious.

If there's anything I'm thankful for...

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

I LIKE YOU

26. First date(?).

I realized that the reason I can't sleep is I have a lot of things on my mind. I have to go pick up my check tomorrow and then figure out how to get one more ID and then go to the back and then head to QC. I hope I finish early. I'm already anxious as it is. There's a possibility that things might not go well tomorrow but we'll see. I don't have anything planned but seeing that we don't have that much in common I'm not sure what we're going to talk about. These are things that were easy with B, and even with F. But P is just different. I like him though so I'm willing to give it a shot. If it does fail, well...

Press Start

It looks like he likes me after all. And I'd like to see more of him.

He doesn't like you, just your rack

I figured I'm sober enough to revisit last night's text messages. That's when it dawned on me. He only liked me last night. Last night was too good to be true, so is he. So I missed my chance for a lustful night. But maybe it's better that way, yes? I wouldn't want any trouble between him and F as they're close friends.

Sometimes I'm so daft. Especially with these things! Nobody told me that I was supposed to take him home. Well, G apparently told me in his text but I was too drunk I don't remember!

Oh, well. Guys these days. So he didn't really like me. He just wanted me for the night. I see that now. I wish I could have known it sooner.

Me and my grandeur dreams of romantic love. Tss, mania. I always end up embarrassing myself.

Minsan

Madalang at madalas, ang labo ko.

19

No, I can't play this game anymore. I'm ending it on Thursday. I need a fresh start for the new year. I will miss him, terribly. I shall cut my hair. I'm sorry that I have to get you involved in this, hair. I have to put an end to this, in three days' time.

Complicated

You make me happy that every moment we're together feels so significant I refuse to believe we're just tiny specks in this universe. I never expected this to last forever but lately I've been wondering, what if we try? What if I ask you to choose to be with me? Will it happen? Or will all my apprehension be proved right? I don't know which would hurt more, if you do not choose me or if you do and it doesn't work out. I shouldn't have let this come to this. I should have just left it as a game. Wait, It can still be. It's not too late. I can still turn back and play again.

Okay. I have decided that we're going back to the game. You'll be my sweet little escape and I'll be your no one.

2:59

No, I can't focus on work. And because I can't focus on work, all I can think about is him. Because what else is worth thinking about if not the idea of love?

Few minutes from now, the girl in Area 2 will be staring out of her window, and she will be hearing someone sing, "Dahil mahal, mahal na kita..." and at that same time, I will be in my room, thinking of you, and the day you told me that story.

Part 2

Biyernes, 8:30 nang gabi.

Alas singko y medya ako umalis nang Makati ngunit kakarating ko pa lang nang Philcoa. Tinext ko kaagad s'ya na hindi na ako makakahabol sa kanyang play na alas siete pa nagsimula.

"Bukas ka na lang manood," reply n'ya.

Sumakay ako ng tricycle at bumaba nang Sarah's. Nakiupo ako sa lamesa ng mga nakitang kaibigan.

Bandang alas-diyes nang gabi nang tinext ko ulit s'ya.

Ako: Daan ka dito after.
S'ya: Saan?
Ako: Sarah's
S'ya: Oh. Di ko na kaya. Uwi na ako.
Ako: Daan lang sana. :) Pero oks lang. Ingat. See you.
S'ya: Thanks.

Paalis na kami ng kaibigan ko nang may lumapit na lalaki mula sa kabilang mesa at nagpakilala. Wala rin talaga ako sa mood kaya magalang kong sinabi na paalis na kami at may pupuntahan pa.

Naisipan naming dumaan muna sa Tomato Kick dahil anniversary party ng Bookay-Ukay bago umuwi. Isang mabilis na ikot lang, sabi namin.

Pagdating namin sa Tomato Kick, nakita namin ang isa pang kaibigan.

"Sinong kasama mo?," tanong ng kasama ko
"Kami-kami," inisa-isa n'ya ang pangalan ng mga kasama n'ya at nakaramdam ako ng kurot sa dibdib ko nang mabanggit ang pangalan n'ya. Nandoon s'ya. Pagkatapos n'yang sabihing uuwi na s'ya, nando'n s'ya.

Nagsimula kaming maglakad ng kasama ko para ikutin ang lugar nang makita ko ang isa kong kaibigang lalaking matagal ko nang hindi nakikita. Napasigaw ako at yinakap ko s'ya nang mahigpit. Mabuti na lamang at nando'n s'ya. Kumuha kami ng beer at kahit pang alam kong nadaanan namin ang lamesa nilang magkakaibigan ay hindi ako lumingon.

Mabuti na lamang at hindi nagtagal ay umuwi na rin sila.

Nag-usap pa kami ng kaibigan ko sandali at umuwi na rin ako sa bahay ng kasama kong kaibigan.

Walang message sa Facebook o text mula sa kanya.

Hanggang kinabukasan ay wala pa ring pagpaparamdam. Last show ng play n'ya kinagabihan.

Nag-text s'ya nang alas-sais nang gabi kung manonood ba ako.

Halata ang galak ko noong nagkita kami ngunit akward na mula roon. Hindi ako nagsasalita at maikli ang sagot sa mga tanong n'ya. Patapos na ang intermission at nagpaalam na s'yang babalik sa loob.

Sa kanya ang huling play na ipinalabas. Mahusay ang direksyon ngunit hindi ko masabing ganoon din sa pagkakasulat, ngunit hindi naman sama--hindi talaga. Sa dulo ng play ay biglang tumugtog ang "Dancing with Myself" ng Nouvelle Vague. Tumawa ako nang malakas, mabuti na lang at nalunod ito sa ingay ng palakpakan sa paligid. Pinatugtog n'ya ang original ni Billy Idol noong magkasama kami ilang araw lang ang nakararaan, habang nasa bahay s'ya at tinutulungan kong gumawa ng assignemnt. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin--na tinulungan ko s'yang gumawa ng assignment at naaalala ko ang pinatugtog n'ya noong gabing 'yon.

Pagkalabas ng teatro ay tumambad sa amin ni Carlo ang malakas na ulan. Wala kaming nagawa kundi tumayo sa isang gilid at nagsindi ng yosi. Maya-maya ay lumabas na rin s'ya, kinakamayan at binabati ng mga tao sa kanyang play. Lumapit s'ya sa 'min at tinanong si Carlo kung anong tingin n'ya. Isang yosi ang lumipas at wala akong natatandaan sa mga pinagsasasabi nila, pakiramdam ko ay 'sing cerebral ng kakapanood lang naming play ang naging usapan. Ngunit walang puwang ang katawan ko para sa utak noong mga panahong 'yon, masyadong maingay ang tibok ng puso ko. Bago pa man sumabog ang dibdib ko, nagpaalam na kami. Yinakap n'ya si Carlo, pagkatapos ay ako. Hinalikan n'ya ako sa pisngi. Maligaya akong naglakad sa ulan pabalik ng sasakyan.

Peace by Piece

I wanted to write a positive post about getting through one of the worst weeks of my life. I had survived in the past and I did it yet again even when I thought I wouldn't. But I can't write that post. I can't because the night is humid on a December, I'm in my room but I don't feel like so, I have a job that I should have finished only ten thousand years ago, and all I could think about is this guy that I'm overly infatuated with.

First, I do not understand, but I guess I do, what the fuck is wrong with the fucking climate. (Sometimes I hate using the F word to emphasize something but this just means I'm being lazy.) I like sunny days but not on days like this. Days like this means sharing my room with someone else, not having the privacy of pouring out my heart on my blog because my roommate's here, beside me, watching the third season of Face Off, while I can't even watch or listen to anything because she's not wearing headphones and I do not have one. So here I am, having an overly active imagination on a humid Sunday night, again, on a December but can't do anything about it because, again, I do not have the privacy to.

Next, I cannot start on my work because I cannot focus because I cannot empty my head (and heart) because, again, I am having an overly active imagination on a... you get it.

Finally, I don't think I'm in love. I am just choosing to be. Because life is hell as it is and it wouldn't hurt to have something to look forward to. I'll deal about the "real deal" and objectiveness later on, I just want to give myself this at the moment. I know it's not a wise decision and I'm just creating (more) future (intense) stressors but--just but, I have no excuse.

And if I am not in love, what exactly am I? I am exactly in denial that I have liked B for a really long time but haven't done anything about it because he obviously doesn't feel the same way and on some drunken highschool-like dare on a drunken Friday night I told him I like him and I don't care I will forget about what happened no actually I will not forget about it I will laugh about it like it's one big joke but is that how you deal with something like that? No. I think I should own up to it and never mention it again. Besides, I really like F. Now I wonder, if I knew that F didn't like me back would I have still chased after him? But I did. I chased after him, didn't I? Anyway, the truth. The truth is I am so scared of being alone that I am willing to throw myself to the first person I like who also likes him back even though it means that he has a girlfriend and there's no chance of any form of emotional commitment. Thank you.

About Q.C. though, I have just  realized, yes, about 5 seconds ago, that it has all come down to the choice of friendship. Who do I love more? AND IT'S KILLING ME. Can we just go back to the way everything was? I promise I will do everything in my power to make Q.C. happen if only we can go back to the way things were before that incident at K-9.  PLEASE.

Life goes on

There's nothing noble in quitting, it's in knowing when.

I'm back to summer. Me, my blog, new music, and a few online friends. I don't know why the cosmos hates me this year but I have to do something for it not to next year.

I really have to start writing that script.

And I miss him.

Switch the Flip

I feel like I have to get this off my chest before I start working again.

This is the only thing I know. This is what I think I do best. If I'm not doing it right then it means I don't have anything to live for.

See, it has taken me a long time to get to this. I've tried almost everything. Took odd jobs, non-credited courses in college, tried learning new things, but to no avail. Now I have this, it's not much, you can't even call it a career, but it is,  in one way or another, a job. It is something one has to do. It is the dirty work. To sum it up, in a production, I do the work nobody else wants to. To still come off as the bad guy is something I just need to accept. Because there is no other way.

But why was I affected when B told me that I'm a bitch when working? I try my best not to be. But I have to keep things in sync, else they'll fall apart. Or so I think. Maybe nobody needs me. Maybe anybody can do this job, they just don't want to. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I'm good at what I do.

I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't feel like killing myself but I want to quit everything and reinvent myself again. I'm good at that. No point in dying when you can live as another person.

Right now though I need to earn money so I need to get back to work even though my body doesn't want to.

I'll find something else to do. Maybe production isn't for me.

Thankfully Normal

I've made progress with my mood, I can say that. I no longer feel the dire need to go out, drink, smoke, run, do something dangerous and whatever else I could think impulsively at any given moment despite of however important my current task at hand would be. I feel more steady now. I wrote a little in my old notebook about not knowing where I am and other existentialist bullshit but it helped reflect and get in touch with what I really want and most importantly, realize what a big wuss I have been for the past days.

So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.

Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.

Missent Text

I don't even have the strength to write anything. I just want to disappear. I know I wouldn't have been affected as much or at all had I been not in this mood.

See? Now that I think about it, it was funny. I just needed to relax.

I'm just really, really in dire need of a drink.

Lazy Writing

• I seriously miss our prod group I can't joke about it anymore.
• I met with a stranger last Saturday.
• I don't think I'd meet with a stranger if I had a choice. Or if I had money. Or the balls to actually ask people out.
• Sometimes I wonder, is it worth telling someone that you like them even though you are sure that they do not like you back? If someone likes you, even if you do not like them, wouldn't you want them to tell you?
• I'm unstable. I need a strategy. I need to get better. Something steady. A routine. Focus on work. No more intoxication and feelings and dramatic fiction. Well, just a bit of dramatic fiction, I guess.
• Honestly, if given the choice to be in a relationship among the guys I like, I would choose none of them.
• I think there's little to no chance that I'd meet another person who would love me as much as my exes did/do. But I'm still really hoping that I would.
• I want to be ready for the right person. This is true.
• Right now, at this very moment, I know where I want to be. I will try my best to get there.
• I belong with my type of crazies. They get me.
• I didn't notice that I have had this knack of talking and meeting with strangers when I'm manic.
• I hope I do not crash yet. I need to work. I need to focus.

Sssssex

And my libido's really high right now. Just thought I'd share. I want to make sweet and violently romantic hungry love.

It's time to talk about my feelings

I have been unconsciously avoiding writing recently because I'm afraid that it would make more in touch with my feelings.

Last Friday was F's birthday so I was feeling a little emotional even there's no reason to. Good think I woke up late and got up even later. I greeted him through text and he jokingly asked for a gift when he replied. I told him only boyfriends receive shoes, flings do not apply.

A was busy with raket so we couldn't meet. I decided to jog eventually, asked B if  he wanted to come and was surprised when he said yes.

It was a good run. It felt like the good type of familiar. We were back to between three and four months ago; we just had recently gotten closer and amused with each other and the new friendship. Him probably knowing what I want but have no intentions of going there. It was a good evening run. I would have liked to still hang out afterwards but also knew we shouldn't. I'm being careful. I easily get attached and become clingy to people. It was just a happy moment to have ran with him.

Nobody was home so I texted G if he was in the area. He dropped by the house and we smoked. Lately people have been asking me if there was anything between us or why isn't there. I always told them that it's just that, I love the guy and I care about him, but never in a sexual way.

---

Last Saturday I went out with my roommate K and our friend Gy. I met up with a stranger after that. I did not like him.

---

Went straight after the date to C's apartment. We're meeting again now because he's going to give me money.

I'm a whore.

His Birthday

I am hurting. Not uncertainly, not by a little. I am hurting. Deep, without blinking, without pausing. Through and through.

---

I'm not sure if I'm mad at RJ because of what he said or because it was B who heard it. RJ said jokingly, "So what, you're going to have sex with F again?"

Afternoon

I should be taking a bath now or hanging newly washed clothes or folding my laundry. Instead, I feel like smoking a bowl and walking around UP. Yes, it is August once again and I don't really feel like doing anything productive. I just want to contemplate life and write.

I don't even have a notebook to write on. But I'll find something. If only I'd get the will to take a shower and get out of this house.

I think I should get a bit of cardio. Should I bike? I feel a little sleepy to do so though. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and figure things out when I wake up. I'll play a movie. And stop thinking about him. And the reply I didn't get.

Hump Day Sugod

Why do I still get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I see any indication that I'm just second-rate in his life; just on the sidelines ready to catch him whenever he falls this way.

He just posted something: "My Wishlist... :)" I know I'm being shallow and immature and creepy for reacting to something as trivial as this but my mind suddenly went "He was online just three hours ago but he didn't have the time to leave me a message or text me." and a sudden dark feeling dawned on me, I'm not part of his wishlist. He's probably wishing for a nice day out with his girlfriend, for a steady career, and good health. But not for me. He's not wishing for me. He doesn't have to because he knows I'll always be there. Fine, I might be overreading it but I'd be dense if I would say that he likes me enough. Because he doesn't. He just find me convenient. Not to brag and all--I don't even think it's something to proud of--but I have a way of getting some men hooked sexually. I know I can make them want me for the rest of their lives but nothing more than that, nothing beyond sexual.  Minus the sex, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. So maybe my friend RJ is right, F is being nice because he wan't something from me (i.e. sex). Sometimes though I still find myself hoping that it's more than that.

I can honestly say that I've had a great night. Past few days I have convinced myself that I'm on this mission of getting my bohemian life back. It hasn't ended up great the past few days but my patience and perseverance has been worth it. Last night was what I have been looking for. I intended to stay at the concert in Sunken for a while but my friend RJ has been bitching about a lot of things and I didn't want to be left alone with my "other friends." So I decided to also go home when he did. I was having a smoke with my housemate when my crush texted me, "Have you gone home?" It was an alternating scene of me getting kilig and my housemate urging me to text back and ask him if he wanted to hang out. So it ended with me going back to Sunken.  Him and one of our friends who is staying with him for the night left about two hours later and I was left with our other friends. We ended up at the house of one of them and went home at quarter to six.

See? My night's been fun. I was actually wondering on the way home if I still want F since I feel like A and I are having a good start. But look at me now, being all stupid and juvenile with this liking for F. I just really want him as much as I don't when I don't. I have no ideas how to do this though. There is only my instincts.

Kadiri

I called him. I don't know why I did but somehow I got the feeling that everything was going to be alright once I've talked with him.

I'm not sure though if that phone call helped. I still don't know what to think. Maybe I'll see him next week, maybe I won't.

---

So the above post was for yesterday. I am such a clingy brat. This has got to stop.

The Cost of An Infatuation Not Worth It

I have just come to the realization that F is not worth it. But maybe for the last time I'd do something sweet for him. And maybe give him M&S chocolates on his birthday. But maybe that would be the last time. Just to play around. Or to make him want me. And not want him back just because.

Just maybe.

Sometimes

Sometimes it's okay to be busy when there's bullshit everywhere. Sometimes work is my escape.

What is this life I'm living, F, and Sepanx

I'm too tired to post anything and it's been like this for a while.

I'm not in the mood to do anything.

The only thing meaningful that comes out of my mouth everyday is "I'm tired." So I guess that defines my life these days.

I am so infatuated with F. But wasn't I with B just a few weeks ago?

I miss talking to my friends. It was so easy when I could talk to them everyday and see them almost everyday.

I miss my Self. I miss everything that I was. I miss being content with where I was. I miss not wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else.

Maybe I do not miss F entirely but I miss the relationship I've built with him.

I want and, I guess, need to be able to start going to my Pdoc again and resume taking my meds.

Wake up, self

You should start taking care of yourself soon or you will fall apart. It might feel like you already have but believe me you're not there yet, but don't wait for it. Do something about it.

Iskeydyuling

Hello, do you know where your brain is? Right now you are fixing your sched. Today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday.

Tonight, before you sleep, you must have been able to:
-E-mail your PM with details
   -Corrections on program
   -Schedule
      -Tuesday meeting
   -Other assignments (refer to notes)
   -Her assignments
-Search for mirror pegs
-Update Duberri pages
-Email Kyle for her assignments

Tomorrow, when you wake up, you should immediately:
-Check email
-Follow up on Gelbert
-Do Wagas laundry
-Follow up on everyone else for the meeting
-Follow up on Rodgil for the script
-Follow up on Lumad
-Get in touch with Elmer of GPF
-Ask Melai what time you should pre-prod and reply to Aleli

You should set your schedule for:
-a meeting with Cinema Supremo peeps
-Bendor
-Blue Bustamante

Tomorrow afternoon you have:
1pm - meeting with Paeng
3:30pm - tentative meeting with Gelbert
5pm onwards - have to PREP for WAGAS.

Tomorrow evening you have:
7pm - meeting with Sarah
8pm onwards- - PREP for WAGAS

On Tuesday, Nov 12 - WAGAS SHOOT
After pack-up - QC SPONSORSHIP LETTER

On Wednesday, Nov 13
-GPF Deadline for everything
-FINALIZE QC EVENT DETAILS
-DUBERRI DAY

On Thursday, Nov 14
-WALA PA. PROBABLY GPF. And things you weren't able to finish due to procrastination.
-Tentative meeting with artists

On Friday, Nov 15
-GPF Videos deadline, presentation of title cards, song, etc.
-Send out QC invites and letters

On Saturday,Nov 16
-Vee's Pool Party!

On Sunday, Nov 17
-Wala pa!!!

OKAY NA MUNA SIGURO 'TO FOR NOW OKAYYYY

*

I was going to write something. But I forgot what it was going to be about.

I realized

While you're young, waste your time. Especially when you're still a student.

I don't know what to make of this day, or this week. Whatever it is I think it helped me take a step back and look at things at a bigger picture. Or have I done that already? Wait, I ought to do that.

My tita sent me a long message long ago and I'm just replying now. It's the mercury retrograde so what the hell, let's do what we can while it still got its power on us.

My X: C

All I asked was an apology and he couldn't even give it to me, when he ripped my soul into a million pieces. Can you sue someone for being a asshole? How can things like this go unpunished? Isn't pushing someone out of their wits to the point of taking their own life considered a crime?

Me today

I should be working right now but instead, I feel like writing poetry though no topic comes to mind. Like I know how to write poetry. Right.

Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.

The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.

Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.

I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.

So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.

I promise this is my last post for tonight

Together

We ran away

Leaving this World

the Love, the Hurt, the Dirt.

We made our Own.

Something not in any word

Our gold and silver pieces

The rush of water, our fountain;

and the soft hum unknown

Pulling back

forevermore and only to us

the gentle strokes

Silently

where secrets are felt

and the skin whispers
eluding Time

Nightmares

My mood today is relatively okay as is the past few days but I've been having nightmares again. Also, I feel like I'm near the brink of depression again so good luck to my week.

Two weeks ago I crashed. Two Fridays ago, it was so intense I thought I was going to go crazy. The last time I felt that way was I think summer of this year. So I forced myself to go on a short break and went home to my parents. Things became better after that so now I'm just waiting for the next bout with depression.

I hope I survive this week. Just too much on my plate.

And I hope I get some money soon. Whew.

impossible

i want to reach out to you
hold you
stroke your face
but i'm too ashamed
of myself and what i did

on the other hand,
i'm too scared
that if i let pride win this
i would lose you forever

i thought i didn't believe in regrets

Back to Basics

The last time I got mad, as in my type of mad was when I was still with C. After months of being stable, albeit not without its imperfections, I got mad again when I was with C again. We weren't together anymore but I was with him when it happened and consequentially, was also because of something he did. Without my noticing, I have stayed mad for well over a month.

Thanks to retrograde, I allowed myself time to think back and reflect on my attitude. I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to go back to what and who I was during those in-between months. I want to be zen, albeit not without its imperfections.

I don't like what I've become so I'm choosing the better. I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt during the past month. To everyone I've scolded, everyone I've said hurtful words to, everyone I've given the cold shoulder. I want to be better.

I have neglected a lot of things and a lot of feelings. I'm going to be better. I will do this.

I want to write everyone a letter. So maybe I would.

----

Dear FBI,

Ang dami kong naiisip nitong mga nakaraang araw at na-realize ko na hindi talaga naging maganda ang aktitud ko sa maraming bagay simula pa noong nakaraang buwan. Marami akong napabayaan at nakalimutan. Higit pa sa gawain, nakaligtaan ko ang higit na dapat pinakabibigyang-halaga, ang mga tao.

(Mahabang kuwento. You can TLDR this part.) Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon ng "pag-aayos" at "pagpapagaling" nung summer, bumalik ako sa QC (as in the place) nang buong-buo at stable naman, though hindi perpekto. Feeling ko naman bumalik ako non sa bahagi ng sarili ko na mas gusto ko. Napanindigan ko naman yun for a time. Haha. Ilang buwan din akong steady, hindi nagagalit sa kahit na kanino o kahit ano, maganda ang attitude towards life, hindi malala ang mood swings, wala ring episodes, until naging toxic ang buhay ko nung September at, di ko naman maikakaila, nagkaproblema ulit kami ni Carlo, bukod pa sa halu-halo at marami pang ibang mga bagay. Hindi na ulit ako nakabangon mula don, ngayon ko lang naisip, nang magkaroon na ng kahit papaano ay konting pahinga. Lagi na akong iritable, puro trabaho, stressed, toxic bilang tao, at sa isang banda, 'yung pangit na ugali ng pagiging adik sa GTD (Getting Things Done).

Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa lahat kung hindi naging maganda ang asal ko at lagi na lang naka-focus sa katuparan ng mga bagay-bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko kayo nakakamusta o kung nakakamusta ko man kayo ay kinulang sa pakikinig dahil bumaba na nang bumaba ang EQ ko. Tangina lang. Salamat din sa pasensya,  nandyan pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon.

(GM up to this part only)

B,

Wait, biglang wala akong masabi.

Rob,

Salamat sa pagiging parating andyan! Bukod sa mga araw na bumo-boyfriend duties ka. (Hiwalayan mo na kasi.) (Joke lang.)

I'm back in my comfort zone

I need this time to just be. This is the most peaceful as I can get these days so there. And anyway, I missed Bumblebee. A laptop still feels like a laptop, temporary. It's not for long writing sessions. I can babble about not being able to use public computers for as long as I can remember because I just couldn't. I thought it was because I felt like my privacy was being invaded but I just realized that it was more than that, there's an attachment and feeling of familiarity and comfortability blah, blah, blah...

Anyway.

Remember F? I wrote a creative non-fic prose (and a bunch of other stuff) about him. I intended to chronicle the events as they happened but wasn't able to because, again, laptop. So now that I'm back on my reliable desktop, I think what I would really like to say is that I miss him.

I know that we weren't meant to last a long time but I miss him way more than I thought I would. It even hurts quite a bit. Also, I know that it was my fault. I would like to tell him that I'm sorry for being the bipolar that I am and that I miss him and that I like him, I really do like him but I can't do that anymore. It's too late. All I can do now is hope that when we see each other again, I will be able to hold him tight and he'll know.

All Saints' Day

Why is this day for saints anyway when it's about remembering the dead?

"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." -Mr. Carson, Downtown Abbey, S04E04

"What matters isn't the fact of dying or when you die. It's what you're doing at that precise moment.” -Le Herisson (2009)

"We always think there's going to be more time. Then it runs out." -The Walking Dead, S01E06

And that Dumbledore quote about having a well-organized mind.

Happy All Saints' Day, it is.

Hello Wednesday

I broke down last night. C called and was bugging me to tell him what happened. Being as he is, he pushed me to an episode. I cried the hardest in a long time and couldn't breathe.

I need more time for myself, to reflect and heal. I am seriously mad at C but I can't do anything. I hate him with all my heart.

I'm not sure what my mood is today but my body hurts and I don't want to move. Well, I guess I haven't gone back up yet.

Cortisol

I was in an intensely foul mood from Sunday to yesterday. Today, I'm still easily annoyed but don't have the will to move. I'm supposed to go for a run but I feel so lazy.

i told myself i'll write tonight

then again, i also told myself i'll take a shower before i go to bed

Intensity 7.2

The past few days have been unbelievably crazy. I miss having a steady life.

I miss F. and talking with M. And flirting with B.

Murphy's Law

I miss you. I like you. Please talk to me. And I am allowed to be pathetic because it's Thursday and I'm depressed.

I have a shoot in about 4 hours and I want to go to sleep but I can't because I'm in someone else's house. Dman, I'm tired. It's so hard to be tired when you're down. And you're always tired when you're down.

I WANT TO TAKE A NAP. HUHUHUHU.

Down Again

Pagod na pagod na akong maging bipolar. Eto na naman ako, masakit ang katawan, inaantok, wala na namang silbi. Kailangan kong labanan pero hindi ko kaya. Napabayaan ko na naman ang sarili ko.

Pagkatapos nito, promise, back to healthy living and getting proper sleep. And the weather isn't helping at all. It's been raining the whole day. Oh, summer, kahit gaano kahirap ang pakiramdam ng init mo I'd still choose you over a depressing rainy day.

Tangina, ang sakit. Bakit n'ya kailangang gawin sa 'kin 'to? Kupal. Tangina, ang kupal.

Di ko naman sinasadya, e. Nainis lang naman ako sa nalaman ko kaya ko nagawa o nasabi 'yon.

I think these feelings would kill me.

WTF, grow up

Because then again, two can play this game. :)

Luke Mejares

Last week was a lot of good things. F and some friends slept over, then there was that fun and easy event, then there was Boho with friends, and sleeping all day then QC edit, and F sleeping over, then R and B coming over. As expected, this week's something else entirely

Marami pa akong gagawin ngayong araw pero kailangan ko lang talaga munang mag-clear ng utak.

Napapagod na ako magtrabaho. Hindi nauubusan ang pagkakagastusan. Gusto ko munang mag-focus sa mga personal projects ko. Ayoko na munang may mabigat na dinadala. Hirap na hirap na rin akong mag-cope. Para ako parating may hinahabol, nakakahingal.

At oo, medyo nasaktan ako kay F. Kung bakit ba naman kung kelan nagdedesisyon na akong ibukas ang sarili ko sa isang tao ay bigla na lang nagkakaroon ng sabit. Sayang ang ininvest, gaano man kaliit. Sana hanggang doon na lang 'yon, sana 'wag na akong bumigay. Uulit-ulitin ko na lang sa utak ko kung bakit nga ba ayaw ko na ulit sa kanya. Bigla talagang nagbago ang ihip ng hanging kagabi pagkatapos n'yang ikwento ang nangyari sa kanila pagkatapos ng shoot. Nakaririmarim. So ngayon hinahanap-hanap ko na naman si B, gusto kong magpa-comfort. TANGINA NITO. Bakit ngayon pa kasi? Pero buti na lang pumunta ako doon kagabi, mabuti at nalaman ko. Shet. Buti na lang hindi ako pumayag makipag-sex noong nakaraan. Shet. Ugh, ang dumi.

Kinakabahan talaga ako sa QC. Sana ma-pull off. As in the bad kind of kaba. Baka masyado akong nagmamadali at nangangarap na naman nang mataas.

Fuck heartbreaks. Akala ko okay na 'ko, vulnerable pa rin pala. Kailangang mag-ingat. Hello, A, ikaw na lang ang pinakamagaan sa lahat. I hope to see you pagkatapos ng lahat ng shit na 'to.

I NEED TO RUN.

Kailangan ko na sigurong magsimulang magtrabaho.

Unang Araw

should i give up or should i keep on chasing pavements

Because Heartbroken

He doesn't like me, at all. He said so himself.

I also don't feel anything romantic towards him but it's also definitely not completely platonic.

Our shoot got packed up. I am disappointed as FUCK times ten.

Keri yan. Kaya pa rin yan. Wooooo

tangina, hindi ko na kaya, ang hirap

Ano ba 'tong buhay na pinasok ko? Nananahimik ako sa isang sulok, e.

Gusto ko 'to, 'di ba? Ginusto ko 'to. LET'S GO, DEE!!! PEEDEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Tameme Thursdays

There. Are. Just. Too. Many. Things. To. Do.

How to Survive Life with Only P100: An Autobiography

Dahil Hindi Mo Ako Kayang Mahalin Kahit Kailan

Kailangan Ko Nang Umalis Dahil Huli na Naman Ako.

There's Something Else

Why are there no sparks between us? Though I still like you and I still want to be with you as often as I could. Could this be platonic? Maybe. Could I simply find you to be a soulmate? Maybe. We agree on a lot of things but today we disagreed on more. I didn't mind but maybe I've romanticized this and have put you in a pedestal for so long that I wasn't sure how to feel about it.

I'd still like to run on cloudy afternoons with you though.

Chronicling Depression

I had an episode today. I've been feeling down since Saturday but yesterday was the worst. I had to push myself though because I couldn't miss a shooting day, it was the last for that film anyway. I was sleepy and hungry the whole day, I would fall asleep anywhere and eat anything handed to me.

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling worse. I slept the whole day and despite the incessant feeling of hunger, I didn't get up to eat until 7pm.

Then I decided to clean my room to relieve stress and now I feel like I'm about to get sick. I still have a lot of work to do but I have to rest.

Bad Day

I must remain calm and not forget to eat, exercise, hydrate, and take a bath. I'd like to think that I can do this. I have overcome this in the past and can do so again today.

I know that I'll regret sulking and all I can do is wish that people would not judge.

Dear 3am

I missed this, just being with you.

Although I also miss him, being with him. Though I haven't been with him alone at this hour.

I long to enjoy you again, reading, writing, or watching old films with always brought me a different kind of peace and a good kind of solitude.

I'm done with one project but there are more. My soul is urging me to take a step back and rest but I know that I have to push myself to do more. Not because I am addicted to getting things done but because one important piece of life is creation.

To love and to create, as long as I live.

Pathetic

Okay. So nagnilay-nilay ako nang slight at napagtanto kong medyo pathetic 'tong pinagdadaanan ko. Therefore ititigil ko na ang pangungunsinti sa feels ko at hahayaang mangyari ang mga pwedeng mangyari. Kung wala man e di wala.

Tinatamad na ako kay F. Minsan natutuwa ako sa pagiging pa-girl n'ya (sexist ako minsan), kaso minsan naman ayoko ng alagain. S'ya ang pinakabata sa lahat.

Ayokong i-push si M. Ayoko lang. Nakakatamad at maraming kumplikasyon.

Si B? Gusto ko s'ya kaso hindi ko s'ya matantsa. E-effort pa ba 'ko? 'Wag na, dadagdag pa ako sa bagahe n'ya.

Gusto ko si A. Masarap s'yang kausap at magaan kasama. And at least may linu-look forward ako sa sembreak dahil sa kanya. Yikee.

Sometimes I wish you were at least 2 years older than you are right now

Don't get me wrong. I like you, you're perfectly beautiful, glitches and all. But I've got too much on my plate and I don't know if I could fit you right in, maybe by the edge, right beside pre-prod meetings and event plannings. See? That's my life, full of boring responsibilities, complications, and a bunch of adult crap. I'm too much baggage for your relatively young life.

Sometimes I feel like I should go back to my regular job, because really, I have nothing to prove, so what do I get from all of these production work? I'd rather stick to personal and passion projects than work for the pseudo-"New Wave Independent" film industry, much less for the commercial industry.

I swear I will get this new film project done and over with as smoothly as I can then I will go back to my regular programming. Do what I've always done and wanted to do, to live for life itself. I have so many things I want to do! I want to create! I think I've done enough helping people actualize their dreams, I should take a step for mine.

I'm sorry, self, for the title, was just thinking about him before I wrote the post and it evolved to something else entirely.

tangina my heart

morning: bursts of sunshine and tiny droplets of rain

westernly wind and
an urge to leap through the night.

Things were starting to dim when
"Come on over."

bass drum in syncopated beats

Most people have luxuries they can't give up; this is mine.

I like being young at heart. It's something that I would never grow out of and would never like to anyway.
--
This feeling is new to me again.
--
I want to start drawing and learn painting. I also need  my own camera badly.
--
I will forever associate the romanticism of bus stops to you.

Dear Doctor

I would like to give my sincerest apologies because I'm deeply infatuated. Please don't get mad. I didn't intend for this to happen.

I'm back

I miss going to the doctor. I have totally neglected myself and I recognize that now. I need to take care of myself more. I need to be with my family. I've been sucked in by the grandeur of youth. I must find balance.

Nevermind this infatuation I am supposed to be feeling but could no longer because I'm not manic. I must watch my mood and feelings especially when I'm manic. Being down, at least I know I'm down and I try my best to fight even if only in my mind, even if I could not. But being manic, I revel at how high up I am and forget.

So, fuck stress, fuck crushes, fuck drugs. Let's do this. Let's get better once again.

Dahil Gusto Kita

Ang gulo ng lahat, internal at eksternal, ngunit masaya ako kapag kasama ka. Sapat na ba 'yon? Handa akong maghintay hanggang ika'y maging handa; hahawakan mo ba ang kamay ko? Sana'y bigyan mo naman ako ng pagkakataon, hindi na baleng mabigo. Bigyan mo na ako ng sagot, hindi ko man matanong.

Ngayon lang ako naka-relate sa kantang Bakuran, utang na loob.

Ang huling dalawang araw na nakasabay kita sa biyahe ng bus

Kasabay nang paggiba sa lumang overpass ng Philcoa ang desisyon kong magpaalam na sa nararamdaman ko sa 'yo.

Noong araw na sabay tayong lumuwas mula sa Muntinlupa papuntang rally, sabay din tayong umuwi mula UP. Saktong-sakto, pauwi ako galing sa isang meeting sa Sarah's, ikaw mula sa org event sa Maskom. Nagkita tayo sa ilalim ng overpass.

--

Hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing una kitang napansin, galing rehearsal shoot, sa bahay nina CPG, sa harap ng book shelf.
Pangalawang beses pagkatapos ng shoot, sa apartment, nag-aagawan ng patutugtugin.
Pangatlong beses sa UP, pagkagaling mong 10K run. Proud ako kahit wala akong karapatan. Pumunta tayo sa lumang clay court.
Pang-apat na beses sa Sarah's, kakauwi lang ni Rob galing Cebu. Ang pogi mo no'n.
Lagi't lagi na kitang napapansin pagkatapos no'n.

May mga panahong akala ko ayaw ko na sa 'yo. Noong una dahil ang hirap mong abutin, pagkatapos ay meron ka palang ibang gusto. Pagkatapos ay ibang mahal.

--

Kaya ititgil ko na, at bukas ay iiiwan sa overpass.

pag may ibang mahal yung mahal mo

actually okay lang. ba't kaya. medyo hindi okay, pero okay lang. lamuyon? hahaha. di kasing devastating ng inaasahan.

haaaaaaaaaaaay, B.

okay, hanap ulit ng bago. hehe.

ikaw lang ang gusto

sa kinahaba-haba ng mga araw ko, natatapos lang sa pag-iisip sa 'yo, sa pag-alala sa huling usap natin, at sa pagninilay kung masarap na ba ang tulog mo.

the more you ignore me the closer i get

I miss writing as much as I miss reading second-hand books and watching Studio Ghibli films. I promise I will make time next month. This sould needs to be fed. And I need to have breakfast now.

do i wanna know?

hi i'm crashing
so many shit has happened
i don't even know what to write anymore

quick updates?
C and I are working together on an indie film. it wasn't by chance, i asked him to help. i know. i don't know. we're not getting back together, no.
went on a loc hunt with JN, went to zambales, subic, bataan. i want to go with her on the next trip but i have a shoot.
i have too many things on my plate. i pushed myself too far so now here i am, can't move. i'm trying my best though. i cooked a little dinner and will be starting meditation in a while.
my stomach hurts because i didn't eat the whole day ugh

anyare

hindi ko na alam gagawin ko ang pangit ng araw na to kelangan kong lumabas ng bahay fuck

hey yo

So, wow, pwede pala talagang mangyari 'yung iba ang kasama mo pero iba ang nasa isip mo. Ang saklap, ang sakit. Wala akong magawa. Tingin ko matutulog pa ako nang konti. Tapos magkakape siguro. Ewan ko. Eww, kape.

Papasok s'ya sa 10am class n'ya kasi may ini-event s'ya do'n na cute at wala, gusto n'ya lang i-share.

ttfn, life

men di ko alam kung ano tong pinapasok ko
medyo desperado lang talaga sa pera putangina
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what is happiness

i am broke. flat broke. i have nothing to pay my bills. and i'm lost. this is new to me again. i want to shave my head. i can't even afford a haircut. i can't even afford my own food.

but i feel so content because of the people around me. i know i should still face the realities of life but truth is, i like it like this. i don't care about money. i want to stay like this.

but i that this is temporary. the day will come that the people i am with now will no longer be there whenever i yearn for a walk in the campus or a smoke in my room or a drink in Sarah's. time will come they will move on and I would still be stuck here until I've found new people to do these things with.

so i need to move. i need to move fast. slow is okay. steady is ideal. but it's not reality.

darating yung araw na wala nang gustong makipagtrabaho sa kin

hello

ito ang hassle sa pagiging inlab. lagi kang sumusuko. laging masakit.

walang inlab na hindi naghirap.

hindi ko malaman kung ano bang lagay ko.
mukha kasi talagang wala na.

ang loser ko.

Sure, right now is shitty. Today is shitty. The past couple of weeks have been shitty. But I look back to my 25 years of existence and think, Not bad. Not bad at all.

Quarter of a life

So I guess that was it, my first 25 years on this earth. Do I regret anything? I'm not sure. It's hard to say when you just lost your job for no good reason, just a state of being bipolar and irresponsible.

When I first found out I was bipolar, I lived it. I consciously did. Later on, I realized that I shouldn't. Because it doesn't define me. Then I forgot. I forgot that I had to take care of myself. That I would go overboard if I wasn't careful. So this is the lesson of my 25th birthday. Tread lightly and carefully.

Maybe I'll find a way out of this; I usually do.

I need a routine. I need to be healthy again.

Habagat

Maraming may kabuluhan sa mundong ito. ngunit wala na sa mga natatanaw ko. At one point naisip ko na lang, bakit kasi nakabukas ang electric fan?! Bumangon ako at pinatay ko ito. Hindi na masyadong maginaw.

Aww, I miss my almost-roommate, G.

Parang walang masaya sa mga lalaki sa buhay ko na palagi kaming magkasama lately ni G. Hindi ko masyadong gets.

vomit

Hiling ko ang araw-araw na ikaw
Sa pagbukang liwayway at sa pagdilim ng mga ulap
Umaapaw, dumadaloy, tumatagos

Nais ko ang araw-araw na ikaw
Titignan pa rin kita nang katulad ng paminsan-minsan
May yapos, matagal, nagsusumamo

Kabisado ng puso ko ang tulang isinulat mo
kasabay ng mga tingin at pagbagsak ng mga paa tuwing tumatakbo
ang lahat bukod sa oras
Hinihiling na sana sa akin
tulad ng bagong liwanag sa iyong mukha, gaan sa iyong hakbang,
at kung hindi man ay sa buwan

Kung hihilingin ko ang araw-araw na ikaw
pagbibigyan mo kaya
tatanggapin mo kaya ang araw at isisiksik
sa bag na puno
(mga bulsang lumolobo)
---
(bahala na kung makita n'ya 'to mukha lang psycho char)

hindi ko na kayang maging ganito habang buhay. at some point susuko rin ako, ba't 'di pa ngayon?

i don't even  have the strength to kill myself. gusto ko lang humilata at maging lantang gulay.

FL

hindi pup'wede
dahil kayang ibigin
nang walang hanggan

Para kay B ulit

Ang hindi ko maintindihan ay kung bakit ngayon pa. Oo, impatweyted na nga yata ako. Naiisip kita 24/7. Oo, kahit marami akong ginagawa. At oo, kahit sabi ng utak ko hindi pwede. Simula nung tuluyan kaming naghiwalay ni C, marami akong naging, hindi ko alam, "boylet'? Fine, hindi marami--mga tatlo. Tatlo and something something kung i-ca-count ko 'yung mga naka-flirt at nakalimutan na. Pero ngayon lang 'tong bagong pakiramdam na 'to. Hindi ko masabing matindi, mas intense, o mas malalim, pero masasabi kong iba.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan na dati pa kitang kilala pero ngayon lang 'to umusbong. Oo, umusbong talaga. Infatuated ako. Hindi lang crush, at hindi pa siguro pag-ibig. Hindi pa pag-ibig ngunit kaya ko nang ma-imagine ang kinabukasang may pag-ibig.

Ano kayang mga pag-uusapan natin? Anong magiging paboritong kainan? Masarap ka sigurong yakapin at halikan sa pisngi. Paano kaya tayo mag-aaway? Hindi yata kita kayang awayin kahit kailan. Ano kayang mga papanoorin natin? Babasahin? Pakikinggan? Magugustuhan mo pa rin kaya ako kapag nalaman mo ang tunay na ako at totoong kasaysayan ko? Paano kaya tayo kapag may episode ako? May episodes ka rin kaya? Kung meron man, aalagaan lang kita at hahagkan.

Susubukan kong gawin lahat, gagalingan ko, aayusin ko na ang trabaho ko, maging patuloy lang ang pagka-steady ng buhay ko, dahil sa ngayon, masaya ako kung nasaan ako. Masaya ako sa pasulyap-sulyap mong presensya sa bawat linggo ko. Ngunit hanggang doon lang.

Dapat hanggang doon lang. Dahil hindi pwede. Walang pag-ibig na pwedeng mabuo. Dahil kumplikado. Dahil baka hindi mo ako gusto. O kung gusto mo man ako, hindi tayo papahintulutan ng trabaho. Hindi ko kayang isipin ang kinabukasang wala ka, gaano man kadalang na nandyan ka. Kaya ganito na lang. Hanggang dito na lang.

Para kay B

wala akong masyadong naaalala
mula sa nakaraang gabi
bukod sa masaya ako
at kasama kita

W, F, W. F, lang ang kitaan
ngunit parating sulit
busog
maraming mabilis at mailap

B

sana totoo na lang ang mga tingin
may kahulugan na lang ang mga tawa
para sa 'yo aaralin ko ang gitara
haharanahin ka ng damdaming
hindi masabi

who am i

i think i'm deeply infatuated with someone

maybe i'm just saying this because i'm manic but on the other hand, i have also liked him since the first moment we met.

i'm very confident when it comes to approaching other guys, but this one's different. i just can't bring myself to make a move. i am very, very attracted.

i know.

xxMNL

morning texts

I woke up this morning to my girl friend JN's call. Her car was in coding so she had to wait until 10am before she could go home. She called to ask if we could hang out at my place. After I hung up the phone with Jenine, I noticed 5 new messages. Lo and behold, apparently,both F and HuBu were texting me, asking where I was.

I've got nothing to say.

Boys

I'm starting on medication again tonight. Why my doctor prescribed Risperidone is beyond me. This shit's expensive i.e. P100 per tablet! Well, if it helps, right?

I'm confused about F.

This was our text convo:

Me: psst.
F: Po
Me: takas tayo.
F: San punta
Me: ewan ko. haha. kahit saan.
F: What time?
Me: di ko alam. pag tinamad ako bukas na lang. hehe. text kita. anong oras ka ba pwede?
Me: uy, by the way, *insert blah blah work related stuff blah blah*
F: *blah work related reply blah*
Me: *blah blah work* punta kang bahay mamaya. :D
F: San un
Me: *insert apartment's location*
no reply
Me: *blah blah work* nexf fime na lang tayo. tamad na ako lumabas. :)
F: Ha?
M: ha what?
Me: nevermind. posted the shoot sched na sa group. salams!

He was real busy while we were texting, he was in the middle of a theater production. No matter, this is how he always replies, na parang per word ang bayad sa text.

Ako ba 'yung malabo?

My chat convo with HuBu the other night was weird too.
JL hasn't happened yet and I don't think it will.

Time to move on to better things, or better boys.

It's not that I want a romantic or sexual relationship. I just want to hang out really. I just find myself missing having conversation and hanging out with guys. Don't get me wrong, I love my girl friends, especially my rommates. Really, I do. But I had already spent so much time of my life being really close to guys, and anyway, I'd be feeling the same way about girls had I been living with guys.

I want guy friends! Huhu.

Uphill Battles

Can this day get any worse?

I need my meds. Bad.

I was starting to "lighten up". Talking with my roommates. Until I tripped on the electric fan's wire which caused a short circuit and blah and blah and blah.

I am bound to fail in life.

Maybe I need to sleep this off?

We'll see.

Okay, I tried. Also crashed, and burned.

I'm not sure if I should text F. Or do I not like him that much?

We'll see tomorrow, we'll see. I'm sure I can get through one more night.

And I just remembered, loads to do this week. Gaddemit Part 725547.

It's my 13th day today without any sexual action. I know it sound so petty but it's really driving me mad. I need to have sex with someone before I move on with work! I really do. It's going to be a busy week and I really need to relieve unnecessary stress. Gaddemit.

I have no idea how to do this hooking up thing. I'm trying to just follow my instincts, but sometimes I get scared. Like tonight. I think I just passed up on an opportunity.

You'd think being 24 makes it easier to get action.

Oops, I'm turning 25 in less than a month. Damn.

Sex

solid.
'di ko alam kung ma-re-relieve ako o ma-fu-frustrate na kanina pa kami magka-chat hindi pa rin n'ya 'ko yinayaya.
ang dali ko naman palang i-resist. hahaha.
shit.
should i make a move?
hindi rin e. maaga raw s'yang gigising mamaya.
damn.
what is this libido.

i need my mood stabilizer.

Ayoko kay Nathan Azarcon, bukod na lang kapag tumutugtog s'ya ng bass.

Ayoko na sa ex ko kahit kailan. Kahit kailan.

Gusto ko talaga mag-bass si Nathan. At ang fingers. Jusko.

Actually sobrang galing ng lahat ng m'yembro ng Bamboo individually. 'Di ko lang maintindihan kung ba't 'di nila sinagad sa mga kanta nila. Noypi was genius. Pero sobrang solid naman nilang mag-live e. Sobrang galing. Wala pa akong napapanood na ibang banda na nakakapantay sa galing nilang mag-live. Honest.

Tangina. Meron akong isang taong crush na crush na crush ko lang talaga. Sobrang crush ko s'ya hindi ko masabi kahit kanino.

So, eto, sasabihin ko kay Rob.

Okay, so NR s'ya sa confession ko.

Pero crush ko talaga si B, utang na loob. Tapos nakakadagdag thrill lang na bukod sa wala akong pag-asa sa kanya, hindi rin talaga kami pwedeng mangyari.

Pero ang kyot kyot n'yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Thursday

Did absolutely nothing today. Ate a lot, but that's about it. For someone as broke as I am, I sure do eat way more than what I earn.

Ang lungkot maging ako, sa totoo lang. Wala akong reli sa mundo.

Oo, 'yun ang realization ko ngayong araw; sa totoo lang, irrelevant ako.

Medyo masaklap. Pero enlightening.

Dahil ba ganito ako ay ititigil ko na ang mga ginagawa ko? Or do I strive to be relevant? May point ba ang pagiging relevant? Meron. Pero kailangan bang lahat ng bagay ay relevant?

I want to forget about guys. Most of the time it's fun messing around. But on nights like this? No, I'm fine, thank you.

And I'm awfully sleepy. I still have work to do though.

But I don't think I can still do them tonight.

And I'm broke.

I'm going crazy thinking about what I've been doing. Throwing myself to different men. It felt great then; I didn't really care. I mean, I'm confident with who I am so who gives, right?

But right now, depressed as I am, I'm starting to think that that was very lowly of me. Throwing myself around. Gah.

Okay, I'm confused.

Funny Thing

I still found myself wondering why he texted. I read the message almost two hours late and although all I replied was a cold, "Yup?" I still can't get it out of my head. Does he need something again? Will I oblige again this time? I certainly hope not. Enough. I don't want to have anything to do with my anymore. I will try my best. I don't want another chauvinistic male in my romantic life. Especially someone who thinks his talent is a gift from God. Oh, spare me.

I'm still wondering why he texted though. Maybe I'm just saying all of these because I don't want to get disappointed and prove the fact that he only remembers me when he needs something.

Trigger dappy

I have been depressed since this morning. Of course there was a trigger.

I went to the SONA rally yesterday and it went crazy.
To top it off, I was with my ex.

Confusing shit.

I want to go to UP for a walk. But it's been raining the whole day. MLIA.

Ramdam

Bakit ba ang sarap ng bawal?! Utang na loob.

Nababaliw na 'ko. Kailangan kong magpakalma. LITHIUM. Nakakatamad lang lumabas para bumili. Fuck.

Sobrang naturally high ko kaya kong kainin ang buwan ngayong gabi.

Medyo kumalma ako sa yosi. Pero nahihilo ako. Meron nga pala ako ngayon. Damn this bipolar life.

Kailangan ko yata talaga ng dyowa para hindi kung sinu-sino ang pinapatulan ko.


Bumuga ako, dahan-dahan
Nakapikit
Humithin ulit ako ng isa pa
Pinanood ko ang usok na umikot
Papalayo, hanggang maglaho

IKR

man.

i am so fucked up.

i just had semi-sex with one of my closest guy friends in the world.

Hello, Stranger

It's been a while since I've been here. Or has it?

I've been a rollercoaster of a whirlwind on a sunny day with thunderstorms. I haven't been doing my work and have been spending most of my time bumming around, drinking and smoking.

This is what it's like to be happy and a mess at the same time. My mood dictates that I'm depressed but I still have that spark in my heart whenever I choose to look for it.

There's a guy I like. I have to say that I'm in no hurry with these things. Besides, I'm not sure if I do like him or this is just one of those in-the-moment whims. Aside from being careful with my own feelings, I'd also have to be careful with his. Nobody likes a bitch. Our situation's complicated though and I don't think we can ever be together in the real world. Like a beautiful cliche, we are but a dream.

I know that what we have is not going anywhere but I still wish we could hang out more. Spend long conversations and comfortable silence. Coffee, cigarettes, pavements, music, the works. Sue me, there's unbelievable bliss in being romantic.

No to Basic

The black hole at the pit of my stomach is back.

I don't get enough sleep, I binge a lot, and I am incessantly anxious. I just don't want to mess this up. I'm going to work hard on this one.

I just have to try my best to not lose my job in the process. Better time management, less social life.

I'm going to be busy, busy, busy, busy, busy.

1. Secure venue for shoot

2. Turnover PM things to the real PM

3. Budget breakdown

4. Create database of funding opps and grants

5. Devise crowdfunding strategy

6. Create and develop marketing presentation / pitch design

Number 1 and 2 is okay. Must be able to achieve these within the week.

Numbers 3 to 6 however...

Man, I should really be catching up on my real day job back log.

baliw

So I kind of broke my phone I think. I'm not sure how it happened but it's driving me nuts. Just the thought of F texting and me not being able to read the message makes me want to throw a fit. But I must deal with it with impeccable grace. Nobody likes a whiner. This mercury retrograde will soon pass.

I'm not sure what would be more disappointing, not being able to read his message or him not texting.

Dancing With Myself

I'm just feeling really heartbroken right now. I can't take it that I can't get what I want. I think, more than anything else, that's what irks me. I guess part of being Bipolar is being raised a spoiled brat. Or is it the other way around? You grow up acting like a spoiled brat because you're Bipolar? Man. Anyway, I want it and I want it now. I shouldn't have delayed. What was I expecting, some form of itimacy? Please. All guys really want is to get into a girl's pants. I don't know where the love things come from anymore. I think that just happens eventually once you've built intimacy and yes, dependence. So what is this I'm feeling then? Does it mean that I have another motive other than the sex? Was I expecting to date him? I guess I was bit expecting, huh? Why can't I live a normal promiscuous life? Why do I always have to get feelings involved? I guess I just find it more exciting when you really like each other or at least pretend that you like each other than when what you really want is to hook up. I guess that's romantic. But romantic is romantic for a reason. Believe me, romantic is exciting.

I guess what I really want is a constant companion that I can fuck.

Get a grip, man.

And I miss him, I miss him so badly. I want it. I want to devour his existence one second and cuddle with him the next. The previous one drived me wild, but this one's different; he drives me crazy. Now I get what Britney Spears was talking about.  I can't stop thinking about him 24/7. I even dream about it. And yes, in spite of all this, I don't want him as a boyfriend. I just want him.

Now I think he might have thought that I broke up with my ex because of him and he got paranoid. Well, that would explain how he had gone MIA all of a sudden. My life sucks. I have already broken up with that toxic guy and he still brings me misery. Damn.

Now I'm angry.

And I'm chatting with a cute guy. Bye.

Crashing

is when everything seems worthless.
Nothing seems fun.
I can't tell stories.
My jokes aren't funny.
I want to quit work.
My body feels sleepy all day.
All charm are stripped off me.
Lame, pathetic, desperate.

ending like this without even knowing
how it would have started
crushes, grinds my soul
it could have been a different timeline
if it had not been
if it would have been

sparklers

sometimes it's okay
to see rainbows across a clear glass
and there's no problem in
reveling on the weather
an instinct of
a chilly night; the right, perfect time
and grandeur of
the loud, screaming sun
anticipation of the now
not tomorrow or the next
just the moment of skipping through beats
racing through multitudes of pictures and places
not caring somehow
about the shadows running past
feeling what it is
the warmth of the red or even the blue
sparks.

Moving too fast

Maybe I am rushing things or maybe I just don't know how to say no.

And in retrospect, these are two things--rushing things and not saying no--I have always been guilty of.

I think things are going to be better from today. Aside from my still really broke ass.

Tinding mood killer din ng ex ko. Very effective. Ngayon parang nawalan na tuloy ako ng gana. O baka 'yung fact din na magkikita na kami ng crush ko finally ang nakakawala ng thrill. 'Wag kasing minamadali, sayang 'yung kilig, nauubos.

a chair is a chair

maybe i'm leaning too low,

but revisiting words

there must be something on why

not just a whim of the cold winds and rusty night,

even as a dream it wouldn't have been

just a passage of space across my sight

for it is

as any creation is

as a moss on a rock,  

as the moon is

Here we are again

And then I realized I didn't have to delete this blog. I just had to change the URL.

At this very moment I have the following thought/realizations/epiphanies for the day:

1. Gym Class Heroes sounds so much heavier live than on recording.
2. I can't have my Facebook friends reach 200..
3. I thought I already grew tired of him but because he didn't reply to my message I'm on my toes again. Well-played.
4. When a person is missing from Facebook, it doesn't mean that they've actually gone missing in real life.
5. I have totally forgotten about the Purple Pills song by D12. And I never knew until now that it was actually "Pills" and not "Hills" like in the radioversion. SMH.
6. I have only discovered SMH recently.
7. Hollest is Skype's former CEO; you know, the hidden emoticon (hollest).
8. My head is too big for my body and I really have ugly, bony legs.
9. I have confirmed that I can get really obsessive with people I like.
10. Zee Avi really does send me to sleep. <3 (Even for a short while.)

Wala pa ring mas effective na pampatulog sa mahabang pag-iyak.

I just deleted my most recent post, and in a few days I'm taking this blog down. There is no point in keeping it if I will not be able to post whatever I want anyway, which was supposedly why I created it in the fist place.

Okay, I'm going to get fired from work today. kthxbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Biglaan

hazy, like the night
you touched me
I flinched, both from
fear and ecstasy

we live for the anticipation
counting the days of not knowing
where one is, what one feels
until we meet on the stage
behind the curtains

please let this not be farce

---

Sa bawat tanong, bawat piglas,
bawat pagdadalawang-isip
at pagtataka kung bakit nga ba,
ang tanging sagot na maibibigay ko:
Para sa 'ting dalawa

Papalapit, mula magkatabi hanggang magkadikit
Gusto ko, ayaw ko, mali 'to, ngunit
naging saksi ang bukang-liwayway
kung alin ang bungang pinatamis
at alin ang hininog nang kulang at pilit

Naalimpungatan pa, gising nang damdamin
Ito ang uniberso at wala tayong panalo
"Masyado kang nakakatuwa," bulong ko sa kawalan.
Nginitian ko s'ya at tinignan nang matagal
bago tumayo at naglakad papalayo

post hoc ergo propter hoc

I knew it. Things were going to crumble sooner or later. Now things are impossibly complicated and I'm losing grip of myself. I should just give up on life altogether, I just keep messing it up anyway.

motherfucker

grabe hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa 'kin or alam ko pero somehow ayaw kong intindihin o hindi ko lang maintindihan kasi hirap akong mag-handle ng feelings pero alam mo yun anyway kanina hassle sobra sa labas pupunta dapat akong QC pero sa sobrang inis ko pumunta na lang ako sa pinakamalapit na convenience store at bumili ng junk food; as in ice cream, pop corn, beer, etc. so syempre i thought nahanap ko na ang silver lining sa kabila ng lahat ng panic at triggers pero wala lang the night didn't turn out as awesome as i expected  parang imbis na magkaroon ng worth it me time feeling ko nag-aksaya lang ako ng oras at sana nagtrabaho na lang ako so ngayon nagtatrabaho ako

bukas may house party akong pupuntahan tapos sa sabado tatambay ako sa south ang hassle tangina pano ako magigising non tapos sobrang pangit ko pa naman kapag kinabukasan ng inom grabe lang yung superficial concerns ko nag-nail polish nga ako ngayong gabi ewan ko rin kung bakit ko naisip na may maitutulong 'yon sa pagkatao ko pero turns out wala gusto ko na nga tanggalin kaso sayang

haaay ginugutom na naman ako mukhang kulang pa yung snacks na binili ko sa convenience store ang baboy ko alam ko namang kelangan kong i-moderate ang junk food sa totoo lang kasi mas nakaka-depress ang comfort food kesa nakaka-comfort well now you know

di ko na maintindihan love life ko pucha feeling ko tuloy nag-aantay na lang ako ng mangyayari dahil wala na akong gana pang ayusin at nag-a-act na lang ako according to instincts ayoko na mag-put in ng effort at ginagawa ko na lang 'yung feel kong gawin

minsan na-ca-catch ko na naman 'yung sarili ko daydreaming about the perfect boyfriend na syempre too good to be true at walang ganon sa tunay na buhay okay lang din naman sa kin walang boyfriend wala akong problema na tumanda na cat lady itigil ko na kasi kakapanood ko ng romcom

Give me a bittersweet ending

Two weeks ago, I was ready to say I love you.

For a while, we were okay. I thought that, finally, things would change. But hearing myself say these words now just makes me want to hit myself in the head. I've thought this too many times before, what made me think it would be different this time?

I don't remember what happened nor why I had a sudden change of heart. But I remember the feeling. I never forget the feeling. I don't remember what was said because I rarely talk back anymore. Whenever hurtful words are said I make sure it goes out of the other ear. Whenever I am hurt by your actions, I make sure to let it pass. No point in bearing unnecessary stress. So I let it go. But not the feeling. I just never forget the feeling.

Arundhati Roy said something about it in The God of Small Things, "When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do.They make people love you a little less"

I thought things would be better as long as I kept you on the edge and on your toes. That you'll strive as long as you weren't too comfortable. Man, I had really thought... Stop. I have to stop blaming my thoughts.

Ningas kugon.

Truth is, I don't want to talk about it anymore but we will, because you will ask--what happened? You were changing to a better person. You have a job now. You rarely go out with your friends anymore. I have no answer. I chose to forget it all. Except the feeling.

We're not even back to square one, we're way behind square one. And I don't know where we'll go from here. I'm just tired of fighting for something I'm not even sure of. For now, I feel myself slowly pulling away, yearning to let go, to move on, and to start over.

Too bad, I was ready to say I love you.

Some things happen in real life

I co-organized an event with a childhood friend last Saturday. We were grade school classmates and he's one of my last remaining contacts down south (Alabang-south). He currently owns a studio and is in a band with one of our former classmates. They were best friends then and still are.

Anyway, the event was last Saturday and things went well. Drank and smoked up, the usual. Except that it wasn't as hardcore as when you go to, say, a typical gig in B-Side, Saguijo, or Cubao Expo, where everyone's fucking wasted it goes past fun and back to not-fun.

I was supposed to be the host of the night but because, hello, this is me, I messed it up by being awkward and dorky. I couldn't even remember what I said and I even tried to smoke up thinking that it would give me more confidence and make me more talkative, because it usually does. All it did though was make me more jittery and forget what I was going to say. I couldn't say anything decent primarily because I was on foreign ground and I didn't know a single person in the audience.

I was saying things about who the previous band is, who the next band is, who the upcoming bands are, but what was going through my head was, "Hello, I don't know any of you. I don't know why I'm here. Where am I even? I don't know who the band that played was. I don't know who the next band is. Actually, I don't know any of the bands. Can I get out of here now?"

So after the second stint, I just stopped. I don't know which was worse, doing a bad job at hosting or quitting like a spoiled brat.

(My mood is coming down at the moment, so this post is starting to sound depressing, but Saturday night wasn't; it was just all things awkward.)

Well, life went on,.

Then it was time for my friends' band to play. My co-organizer was the drummer and our ex-classmate was the bassist. It was a challenging set for them because they couldn't hear themselves and 3/4 of the band were already wasted.

Anyway, it was before their last song I think when it happened. Their vocalist thanked me and at the same time decided that it would be brilliant to make fun of their bassist. It went something like this:

"Oh, yeah, happy birthday to (name of some guy)! Also, thanks to (my name) of Makati (I'm not even from Makati.) She was our emcee for the night. (Pause.) They said that our bassist used to have a crush on him. (Loud cheering from the crowd.) (Gaddemit, thisisnothappening.) I don't know. That's what my bandmates told me. (Cheering, shouting, whistling.) (Keep smiling. Be a sport. Just keep smiling.) Is that right , (name of bassist)? (Crowd cheered louder.) (Bassist shrugged.) (Crowd and band still laughing.) (I was already dead inside but my face was stuck in an awkward smile.)"

To top it off, this bassist lost his balance and fell off the stage in the middle of the song. I know. The stage in the bar was barely knee high so he was able to catch himself from falling face down and in an attempt to regain his balance, ended up sitting on the edge of the stage. It wasn't that bad. Still, it was bad.

While it was true that he did have a crush on me, we were twelve, for crying out loud! He looked creepy then, I never hung out with him and rolled my eyes whenever I would catch him looking at me. Yes, I was a little bitch. But I regret all of that now; he's a really decent guy and currently in a relationship with a really beautiful and charming girl but that's not the point.

The point is, I can't seem to stop embarrassing myself. I do it so effortlessly. Scenarios like this look so adorable on TV but believe me, in real life, it isn't. It's all good fun though, so, 'til next awkward moment. I get one everyday anyway.

Oh, and somebody uploaded a video of what happened to Facebook.

Filler Post

Diary entry alert. A day in a life nobody has to read.

I liked UP's class schedule, Wednesday being the mid-week break. Even if I had already left the "premier" university, when they implemented the Monday "lie low day" instead of Wednesday, I was appalled. For logical reasons, Wednesday was set as the in-between for the Mon-Tue and Thu-Fri stress so that students would have had enough time both for academics and everything else. Setting "Monday" as the third weekend instead of the usual "Wednesday" just to be in accordance to GMA's let's-commemorate-holidays-on-Mondays Act was beyond me. No matter how you look at it, Mondays were never meant to be a "lie-low" day and Wednesdays were perfect to do in-between stuff because of all obvious reasons. I'm just repeating myself herfe.

I have been working hard for half the week and I'm scheduled to do so until its end; I thought I would barely get to this Friday with my sanity still intact. Today though, a Wednesday, proved to be a lot of things. I am physically and emotionally exhausted but also  feel very together overall. I will have to wake up in 3 hours time but that's a problem to be dealt with later on. I'm just glad that I'm still given this slight chance of being human.

I should update my employers on what I've been up to today but I don't feel like it.
C and I are still talking. I'm sure I'll have the guts to tell him what exactly I've been feeling and thinking soon enough. Please wish that everything goes well.
I sincerely and desperately hope that this week ends up to be as productive as I expect it to be. JUST PLEASE.

That's all.
And I don't want to go on my event on Saturday but I have to because obviously I'm a co-organizer. Bleagh.

Stressing out stress

Obviously I can't handle stress very well having a mood disorder. I either sulk and do nothing or try to do everything and still end up focusing on nothing. Last week I could barely lift my head up from the pillow so much as plug in my laptop charger, now I want to do everything and more, but too many things are running in my head I'm on an internal panic. But it's the relatively nicer kind of hypomania, and I'm thankful.

I had been down for weeks which the recent job loss scare aggravated, and I only started feeling that I was going up again I guess just two days ago; I was able to finish a report for work and yesterday another one. It never comes without a cost though.

I can't express my emotions very well in person, or I express it too well, I don't know. It's either I end up bursting into tears or into an ugly fit of anger. There is a recent event that has been stressing me out, but I can't talk about it because it shouldn't really concern me. Part of me would like to believe that I just don't understand grief very well and the ways that people cope with it but the saner part of me knows that I'm sensible enough to know. 

I don't hold back much when I write here but this time I think it's better not to divulge much detail. One important thing though, and I've said this too many times before it must be the truth, I don't think C and I are going to work. It's too complicated and I don't think I should be in such a taxing relationship. I could easily give up the good times in exchange of losing the stressful scenarios too. While I recognize that all relationships are stressful, I should also recognize when it's time to let go. I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW OKAY. 

For the past almost two months, I really thought we could live like this. Me doing my thing, him doing his. I wouldn't even have to hang out with his friends and family when I don't want to (and believe me, I don't want to) and he assured me that I don't have to. But this recent event just turned the entire relationship a whole 180 degrees.

I know that he's not feeling well, he's sad and all, but I just can't empathize. Not only that I can't empathize, it also annoys me when he opens up to me and says the wrong things. But I guess it's true love when you ask the person how he feels and listen to him in spite your internal turmoil. True love is something I'd rather pass out on then.

Why be with someone with friends and family you don't want to be with? And on the other hand, why be with someone who doesn't want to be with your friends and family?

So, C, if you're reading this, please break up with me. See, I'm not even decent enough to do it myself.

---

I'll probably regret posting this and it will probably ruin the life of me despite trying my best to keep it toned down (yes, that is toned down, it's all worse inside my head). Oh, well.

Random Lists to See If I'm Still Alive Dot Com

At the top of my head, what makes me smile, rocks my socks off, and makes me warm and fuzzy inside LATELY (meaning I might have a different list entirely tomorrow depending on my mood):

• Natalie Portman
• Chatting online (sometimes)
• When someone randomly suggests a song
• Daft Punk
• Vampire Weekend
• Zac Efron and Hairspray
• Caravan Palace
• When our neighbor plays One Direction 
• (the previous 5 being they provide me) an opportunity to break out into a song and dance number
• Breakfast in the middle of the night (read: bacon)
• My youngest brother being witty and silly
• Photos of things that we will never see again e.g. Global Gutz, Bubble Jug
• My father watching The Price is Right
• Little River Band, Bread, Dan England and John Ford Coley, you get the point
• Hanging out--and just hanging out, no work talk whatsoever--with the prod group

Well, that was a short, pathetic list. I rarely smile lately anyway and I can't really look at Portman's photos and watch Efron's videos all day. I'll try to make one again tomorrow.

I cannot believe people are still talking about this

• Mention the F-word to someone. Even if you don't get an explicit response, you can still deduce their reaction from their gesture. You will almost always notice a shudder or a quick shift of position. People are either afraid to talk about it (people roll their eyes when, you know) or agitated to talk about it with the purpose of debunking it when they do not understand that it is, and always has been, tied up to socio-economics. It's never just about the gender.
• Rape may not have been the main idea of Vice Ganda's joke but defining which-joke-is-what is the least of the things we need to concern ourselves about. It reduced "rape" to something as mundane as a supporting idea to a superficial "fat" joke and that's that. If you don't think rape is wrong and is serious as fuck, you probably also like jokes about The Holocaust then.
• The joke was foul, that is a given. But would it have elicited this much commotion had Jessica Soho not been the subject? Of course not. People are more alarmed that this was done to someone who supposedly sits on a higher moral, intellectual, and admit it, socio-economic ground. Oh, please. We should be clamoring for responsible journalism as much as we are asking for the sanctioning of this type of entertainment.
• This is a battle of the giant networks, that should also be a given. Do I still need to explain this? In any case ABS-CBN admits defeat (which will not happen) and Vice Ganda indeed does get sanctioned for this, what good will that bring then to the fight for gender equality, as clearly, that's what most Jessica Soho defenders are supposedly banking on. You're right, Miss Soho, this is not about you, but the retaliation clearly was not about women liberation either.
• The elite also exists in media if you haven't noticed. This boils down to the use of media as an intellectual state apparatus. Similar to the tug of war of the majority and minority in our political system's national level, we are stuck in the middle of this debacle that neither enlightens the consumers nor engages them in a real democracy. People are only given the chance (or more aptly, the illusion) to comment, bash, and choose their sides but only in their personal spaces. Nobody talks about the real issue in the news. There is no clear and alternative explanation offered except in the tiny spaces within the internet (which will also cease to exist if they pass the Cybercrime Prevention Act into law). 
• The state doesn't like it when people know things. The state doesn't like it when people's opinions are different from what they're taught to believe. The state likes spectacles like this because it takes the attention away from the real problems. The state likes controversies like this because it keeps the people ignorant and on the surface. So why does sexism still exist? Why do the masses vote for someone like Nancy Binay and Bam Aquino? Why do the giant networks air crappy telenovelas that romanticize being oppressed and maltreated? The state condones and perpetuates this type of media--and culture--because it benefits from it, and vice versa. Welcome to the status quo, ladies and gentlemen.
• So-called issues like this will arise and die down much to our amusement and disgust over and over again. There really is nothing we can do about this unless we tear the system down. You get me?

A note to self tonight

Worrying and being frustrated will do you no good. Be at peace. Some things change slowly and some things never, these things would test your patience, but you can always let them go. Know when you're just being a quitter and know when you've been hanging on for too long.

Work hard and concentrate. Know which things you need to focus most of your energy on and which things should receive little or none. Turn negative energy into positive. Be mindful but wise.

dead fish coming through

i had the crazy idea of drinking tons of water thinking it would miraculously wash away the pain.
i also tried meditation
and masturbation
i also tried exercising
playing happy music
even to songs that make you feel important
like "The Final Countdown" and "Eye of the Tiger"
those sorts
i have tried talking to a friend (a little bit)
also tried playing with my siblings
but through all of these i just stared blankly and sat idly

there really is no way but through yourself, huh?

the ungrateful kid

i think i'm about to lose my job.

i care a lot but i can't muster the courage to deal with it
at this point i can't imagine any future
or my brain just don't want to entertain the thought of it. whichever.
i would really rather just... just.
while other people fall into depression without any reason, i always do, there's always a trigger and it's always my fault
maybe i don't have BD and i'm just spiraling down a tangled web I myself weaved
i know i will have to face this problem sooner or later
that is the right thing to do and i would like to believe that i'm still capable of doing the right things
but this is myself talking
and this is myself not doing anything

O

i have been given a choice of fight or flight. i see nothing as the choice i would like to make. i will float through and just be nothing. not live and not even die, just nothing.

i hope i am not indulging but i am also scared that i might be. i don't want to make an excuse. this was all me. this has nothing to do with BD or whatever over-analyzing of self you expect to hear, it's all me.

i wish i could say something. that i've been through a lot and i didn't know what to do, but life wasn't that bad and i did know what to do.

if i would be given another chance of course i would like to do things differently but see, i'm not sure if i would. that's how messed up i am and i'm starting to doubt if that would ever change.

being me means always having to say you're sorry

Why did I even give up on drugs?

i need to be numbed
nothing helps
overwhelmed
and not that kind.
i'm falling or walking
on a vast or narrow, dark or blinding
on what is endless or falls too short
time's at speed or clock not minding.
when i'd rather see nothing at the end and have it
than the glimmer of light that is beckoning
me to come close and embrace
the escape for a while, no more
no more
no more

Lips
the drum beats across the bass
the heartbeat at speed
bump
closer to almost skin
feel without touching
grind
down and up, slide and
fly
almost touching of

Which is it, the beginning or the end?

The transition between the summer and the rainy season brings in mixed feelings: the need to wake up and the urge to sleep in. While I didn't really have a "summer" kind of summer this time, the change in weather still hits as hard as any other year. Because after all, what makes summer "summer" is the weather. Or I can just keep telling myself that.

Days are still relatively hot and humid despite the occasional soft gusts of wind whistling through. The nights carry the very much missed cool breeze that makes stepping out to smoke a stick (or a joint) during witching hour more and more tempting everyday. Like such cheesy lines, the transition of seasons is both welcomed and not. While it signals the good end to a carefree season, the incoming weather brings in another challenge of not getting caught between the sheets of comfort and instead, choosing to get up and catch up on everything you missed being a (messed up) lazy summer bum.

In my case, the transition is equal to the pile of work left undone and the words left unsaid. I'd really rather take this as a cue to play "Dog Days Are Over" while eliminating the backlog one paperwork at a time. All the while I thought summer was my season. But summer of 2013 has taught me that as it turns out, I was just stuck in the highs of 2009, the speed of 2010, the romance of 2011, and the surprises of 2012. All the events of summer 2013 were some of the few things I don't look forward to reminiscing. Plus they all happened within myself and within a radius so short it might as well have been a dream or more aptly, a nightmare.

June 2009 - Went back to school like a rockstar
June 2010 - Was in Aurora for a really big thing I can't really say here
June 2011 - Varekai. VAREKAI.
June 2012 - Went back to the Film side of things

Maybe I should stop relating my life events to the weather, but one's got to look back in history, especially one that lives within a pattern that is yet to be broken. It's pretty clear that an overhaul is going to happen and I am more than ready for it, good or bad. At the moment though, I'll start by taking a long bath. If I'm going down, I might as well go down smelling good.

ARGH

Fuck this. No focus. No motivation.

I need some drugs. Just kidding.

I'm aching for a life revamp. Something new. But I'm always looking for something new. New love, new work, new environment, new highs. If I keep on looking for something new time and again I will forever live la vie boheme. I'm still not sure why that is such a bad thing though. Maybe I should go to that faraway land and hope that I will never get the urge to return. I should learn the good in the steady.

I was being a typical working petite bourgeois keeping passion projects on the side that I could already imagine myself being as boring and common for the rest of my life, but no, I just had to screw it all up.

Drama Aside

I have lost touch with myself. Two months ago, there were three related episodes/elements/events that triggered all of these reflexive posts online and a bit of self-destruction with a lot of self-contemplation offline, and I have just realized that I haven't shaken out of it since. I am looking forward to the day that I will be able to go back to those nasty conversations and write about them with the sensibility and full-grown humor of a proper hindsight. The only thing I need to focus on right now is to not stop moving. I need to get back on track with work and my relationships with people stat, or else I'd be broke, alone, and struggling with a very bad case of depression before I know it (i.e. in a few days time).

I have spent too much time trying to hold myself together that my life has started to fall apart. It took all of Me to try to stay afloat that I have forgotten my Self, and hence failed in trying to make it better.