Peace by Piece

I wanted to write a positive post about getting through one of the worst weeks of my life. I had survived in the past and I did it yet again even when I thought I wouldn't. But I can't write that post. I can't because the night is humid on a December, I'm in my room but I don't feel like so, I have a job that I should have finished only ten thousand years ago, and all I could think about is this guy that I'm overly infatuated with.

First, I do not understand, but I guess I do, what the fuck is wrong with the fucking climate. (Sometimes I hate using the F word to emphasize something but this just means I'm being lazy.) I like sunny days but not on days like this. Days like this means sharing my room with someone else, not having the privacy of pouring out my heart on my blog because my roommate's here, beside me, watching the third season of Face Off, while I can't even watch or listen to anything because she's not wearing headphones and I do not have one. So here I am, having an overly active imagination on a humid Sunday night, again, on a December but can't do anything about it because, again, I do not have the privacy to.

Next, I cannot start on my work because I cannot focus because I cannot empty my head (and heart) because, again, I am having an overly active imagination on a... you get it.

Finally, I don't think I'm in love. I am just choosing to be. Because life is hell as it is and it wouldn't hurt to have something to look forward to. I'll deal about the "real deal" and objectiveness later on, I just want to give myself this at the moment. I know it's not a wise decision and I'm just creating (more) future (intense) stressors but--just but, I have no excuse.

And if I am not in love, what exactly am I? I am exactly in denial that I have liked B for a really long time but haven't done anything about it because he obviously doesn't feel the same way and on some drunken highschool-like dare on a drunken Friday night I told him I like him and I don't care I will forget about what happened no actually I will not forget about it I will laugh about it like it's one big joke but is that how you deal with something like that? No. I think I should own up to it and never mention it again. Besides, I really like F. Now I wonder, if I knew that F didn't like me back would I have still chased after him? But I did. I chased after him, didn't I? Anyway, the truth. The truth is I am so scared of being alone that I am willing to throw myself to the first person I like who also likes him back even though it means that he has a girlfriend and there's no chance of any form of emotional commitment. Thank you.

About Q.C. though, I have just  realized, yes, about 5 seconds ago, that it has all come down to the choice of friendship. Who do I love more? AND IT'S KILLING ME. Can we just go back to the way everything was? I promise I will do everything in my power to make Q.C. happen if only we can go back to the way things were before that incident at K-9.  PLEASE.