Tony Stark Triggered My Mania: Not a Review

I watched Ironman 3 today. I usually check Rotten Tomatoes after seeing a film. Not this time though.

Yes, I'm taking Ironman 3 personally. Yes, I find the feelings of the movie more compelling than the nitty-gritty stuff other people would probably be raving about. I'm not doing that, because with Ironman films, it's a given: they're all good--great, actually--technically and story-wise. Perfect action scene choreography, stunning visual effects, witty dialogues, and so on and so forth.

It goes without saying that Ironman 3 was better than its predecessors in a lot of ways. As expected, it was darker and more mature. Usually, this works. In this case, it worked perfectly. It was no longer a brainlessly entertaining, technically superb action movie. This one's a work of art. It was more grounded in reality vis-a-vis its superhero-movie counterparts. It had an attempt to be socially critical. I'm not sure if that was intentional or if it was just to make a good plot. (With Hollywood films, you never know--with "Hollywood" being the operative word. Case in point, The Hunger Games.) Nevertheless, it did the movie and the entire humanity a favor.

The film started out establishing Tony Stark's weaknesses. That he was after all, like all of us, human. It wasn't like in the first two installments where his character was designed to purposely invite idolatry (like all superheroes) in spite and including his decadence and other negative virtues. In this film, Tony Stark's character and emotions were vulnerably exposed in a very precise and brilliant storytelling (straightforward but not overly dramatic, unlike the the portrayal of Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Clark Kent--you get the idea.) Notable was his battle with trauma and anxiety over what happened in New York. Most of us have had to deal with something like this, and like all of us, he was scared to deal with it and the stigma that comes with it. We are, after all, including the great Tony Stark, subjective beings. The movie was filled with scenes and layers reflective of this and although they were not hard to miss, they were very subtle, tightly told, and never excessive.

Having said that, the main protagonist in this movie was Tony Stark, not Ironman.

Now, the problem, in so many ways--Aldrich Killian. We all get the character. He's both stereotypical and not. We've seen him before. Only this time, there's that political spin. He was the good-guy-gone-bad type of villain, except he happened to take advantage of the current global issues with "terrorism". In real life though, it's not the regular guy. It's the people who are actually seated in power who commit these types of crimes. It was a good spin to the story, that much I can say. Anonymity and the power it gives to a person is a very timely concept to tackle. His character could have been more established though. Really, a fan who had his heart broken by his "idol" who stood him up? That just sounds like Syndrome in The Incredibles. Killian was just so typical that the portrayal of Guy Pearce was so bland his were the only boring scenes of the movie. Because we all knew what he was going to say, we could predict what he was going to do. He was the only one who made an attempt to explain why he's doing the things he's doing. Duh. Fine, he was smart, but not cunning. He lacks the charm of a villain. He's not even that much hate-able, he was just there, a villain performing his villainous duties. This exactly is his human factor, though told poorly.

Pepper Potts was something else though. First off, you must know how much I have always hated the character of Mary Jane. She's the pretty girl the awkward boy bagged because he was nice. Her only role was too be sad, complain about her life, and be rescued. We all know the damsel in distress trope runs rampant and can be found in almost every superhero story. Then there's the shallow Black Widow portrayal of Scarlett Johannson whose sole purpose was too be a beautiful foreign girl who kicks ass. On the other hand, there's the hero's female servant who was just there to provide support and sometimes information and words of wisdom (e.g. Moira MacTaggert in X-Men: First Class). And in comes Pepper Potts, a strong, powerful, and confident female character, with all her charm and brains.She stands her ground and has never regarded Tony Stark as her hero. In this movie, she herself was a hero. A very humble, grounded, and humane hero.

What hits hard in the story is the relationship of Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. It was too real that we never expected something like it to be found in a superhero movie. We usually see these kinds of romantic relationship and emotional struggles in films that are actually dedicated to romantic relationships and emotional struggles. I don't want to spoil the ending but it was so epic (yes, I'm using the word epic) I cried.

After everything, I cannot classify Ironman as a superhero movie anymore. Sure it was, if you want to be technical. But it was also much more than that. It was even much more than most films we've seen lately.

---

EDIT: A follow-up here.

Tony Stark Triggered My Mania

I'm being manic again so I asked C for a valium.

Okay, I started typing this about an hour ago. Now I'm too "sabaw" to even type.

That was a fast depressive episode.

I'm back up again. This is not good. Fuckity fucky fuck.

Wow

I'm sad and restless. Wow.

Sad because I feel like my life is shit and I'm not worth shit. I know this is the depression talking and would probably be looking back in a week's time wondering why I ever thought this. But right now, everything just feels like shit, turd. poop.

I am restless of this "production team". I am becoming impatient and I'm not even doing anything to speed things up. I wish I find the will to do this again, the trust for my workmates, and the faith that all the hard work is going to be worth it.

---

Truthfully? I hate people who brag. Being proud is one thing, but actual bragging, without being humorous of course, is just one of those things I can't stand. Well, I guess I do have virtues. Now that I think about it, I do believe in the Desiderata, and try to live by it as much as I can (when I'm not being a stupid maniac). It's my very own "EXCELSIOR".

---

I feel guilty because it seems to me that I'm indulging in my sadness. The last thing I want is for people to think that I'm using my mood disorder as an excuse. So I must remember to be my own advocate [cue feel-good song]

Spare me the stress

I had no intention of telling you. Because I don't want to get stressed about something not worth it. I wanted to tell you last night so you could say sorry and I could forget about it in the morning. I didn't.  I told you today. So instead  of the apology I was hoping for you wanted to explain that you didn't do anything wrong.

I guess nothing has really changed between us.

I shouldn't have told you. We were happy being label-less and without-definition. I could have easily passed off something like that because there's no "relationship" to be salvaged in the first place. I am not even sad anymore, knowing that we would never be happy together together. I'm just sad that we can't even be happy while being "label-less" together.

My words aren't worth anything though. We both know I'm using you. I shouldn't be one to talk. That's why I wasn't even mad. You were just supposed to say you're sorry, and we both would have moved on. But you didn't, so we didn't. And here we are, stuck between heaven and hell.

---

This best summarizes our entire four-year relationship:

Good morning, haring araw.

I told myself I'm skipping summer. I wanted to spend less because I wanted to get that camera by June. But is it worth it? Who does that? Who skips summer?

Suddenly I find myself wishing I was somewhere else. Somewhere far. Somewhere not here.

I miss summer. Summer's my time, my season, my thing. I am summer personified. I am the morning's pink, yellow, orange and the night's blue, black, and red. I am the scorching sun piercing your skin. I am the sunflowers along the University Avenue. I am the endless nights of getting wasted. I am the rambutan falling from the tree. I am the waves that wash ashore. I am the sweet escape. I am not forever but I'm the one you never forget.

Soundtrack of My Life

I was listening to this and man, I developed a whole new feeling of attachment towards the song. Goosebumbs. Goosebumps all throughout the song and beyond. (Note to self: Must create new playlist)

Not in the mood to write

I drank every night from Thursday last week to last Sunday. I wasn't supposed to do that. But mania got ahead of me. It was poor judgment. Saturday night (4/20) was fun though. For once I chose not to go out where there's "something happening". I just went out and danced with a few good friends. That's my kind of trip now.

Sunday, I went out with an online friend. How I regret that now. He was just visiting and it was his last day in the country before he goes back to New York so I thought it would be nice to show him around a bit before he goes. I went home sick to my stomach and vomiting. I had been feeling nauseous because of my upped dosage of lithium, and topping that with drinking on an empty stomach, let's just say I'm lucky nothing worse happened.

Friday until Sunday I think I was starting to get out of mania and as much as I hate the nausea, it helped keep me on a leash. Because I literally couldn't move a lot.

Monday my mood was starting to come down, and yesterday was a very emotional day for me. Today I'm feeling better. I'd like to say stable, albeit the constant sleepiness. My doctor increased the dosage of my mood-stabilizer-to-prevent-depression pill yesterday. I hope this would prevent me from crashing into a depressive episode. As of now I'm actually in a really good mood.

---

I have decided to live through the saying, "Be your own advocate."

From now on I will try my best to make sound judgments and will not let my mood dictate my manners (hard as that may be). I will stay away from alcohol and drugs (except weed, duh). I will always be professional and have good work ethics. I will work hard for everything and do everything to be productive even when I'm not feeling up to it. I will watch my spending (!!!) and really start to get things sorted.

I really do want to get better, you know.

A really, really bad case of headache.

...............................................................................................................

What is this mood!

I'm not sure if my mania is coming down or I'm just having a mixed mood. I might be on the brink of another depressive episode and I don't want to go there yettt.  Well, anyway, I find it easier to control my depressive mood anyway rather than my mania. But nooo, there's still so much to do. :(

I had to go out Thursday night because we had an event and as expected, I didn't handle my mood very well. I skipped dinner, therefore also skipping lithium. Got drunk. Puked twice. Fought with one of my closest friends. Went on a ranting spree with another one. That's when I decided to take my lithium despite my empty stomach.

I lost my bag on the same night, which contained a notebook, my cellphone, a shirt, and all my meds, among other things. I brought my meds because I was expecting that I would spend the night at my friends' house. Now I have to ask for a prescription for my clonazepam again. And I would have to explain to my doctor that I was drunk that's why I lost them. Ugh.

Then I lost my wallet yesterday. I KNOW. I am so fucked up. I went to the Toe concert last night and it was awesome. But truth is, during the first half of the show I was really into it but then got really distracted after that. I couldn't focus and thoughts were racing in my head. I was hungry and thirsty and I wanted to get out of there but I also didn't want to miss the show. I'm glad I stuck around. It was worth it.

I haven't taken lamotrigine for three days and maybe that's what's causing my mood today. But I also feel still riled up and annoyed with the world, but not as energetic and high.

Well, as I'm typing this I just shouted at my 9-year old brother because he was being a bully. I know I shouldn't have snapped at him. So I guess mania hasn't come down yet. I feel really, really bad inside though. My chest feels so heavy.

I have to cool my head. I need some smokes! It's 4/20 after all. ;)

Four Years Lost

I just want to write this all down before I take my "calming pill".

I should have listened to my gut four years ago and gave up on that relationship as early as then. This much I can say now: I should have listened to my friends.

Two years ago should have been enough indication that all of this would end badly. If I didn't had the change to end it four years ago, two years ago was my second chance. I tried to. To no avail. I still ended up running back to him. I don't even want to remember that year. It was the shittiest. Sometimes I think that my mood disorder would not have gotten this worse if it weren't for that relationship. Yes, I really do think so.

At present, my friends opinion of him still has not changed. They are still telling me to stay away from him. I know that they're right. He's more destructive than helpful to my well-being. The graver effects are not worth the momentary feelings of happiness. I just didn't (and still don't) know what to do about it.

I don't expect people to empathize with me, given the stigma and all. I don't give a fuck if they're there in times of distress or whatever. But when I told him that I had a bipolar disorder I was hoping to get a little empathy, a bit of concern. I didn't receive any. He hasn't even as much as Google the thing. And I know this for sure because I know him that much.

Now I can't get those four years back. I have to live with this disorder that is now worse than ever. And I have to live with it alone.

Some life.

I think too much

I'd like to go on a ranting spree about my personal life but I'll postpone that for now. Maybe I would go out after all. Or maybe not. Man, I don't know.

I'm known for standing up people all the time but I want to change that. Problem is, I also know it wouldn't be healthy to go out. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Are the meds working?

My night is ruined.

I was supposed to go out. I have plotted tonight in my calendar weeks back. Now I don't think it would be a good idea to go. My ex has just been here in our house. It didn't do anything but just aggravate my already uncontrollable mood.

I am trying to level my emotions and gauging if I can do something to reverse the situation. Good thing I am still able to control myself. Other days I would just go out and get wasted. But insight and acceptance is important. I have accepted my illness and I want to get better. I keep telling myself this but right now all I really want to do is go out, drink some and then a lot.

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Insomnimania

I don't want to go to sleep yet. I really don't. There are so many things I want to do. I want to take advantage of all my excess energy to create something. But I have to remind myself that in order to get better I must make healthy choices. Staying up all night will only make my mania worse. Oh, bother. So, yep, I'm taking that thing, and will let it do what it does and lull me to sleep.

When I thought I was getting better

I was feeling very intense again today. Good thing I had an appointment set with my doctor. I went with my mother. I would have had it otherwise but my doctor insisted that I bring her with me. And because I trust my doctor and I really do want to get better, I obliged.

The day started well. I was in a good mood. Too good to be true actually. I started to doubt my mood because mornings like that usually do not end well. And right I was. I was speeding myself through work after work that I skipped lunch and then realized that I was late for my appointment so my mom and I hurried our way to my doctor. We were on our way when I started to get really irritated. There were too many people. The weather was too hot. And I actually shouted at someone who stepped on my foot on the train. I tried to calm myself down really bad. I was feeling really agitated I thought my chest would burst.

Of course I told my doctor about today's mood. My lithium dosage was upped and was given a new medication to help me get to sleep. I really hope this works.

I was supposed to go to QC because it's a close friend's birthday but decided against it. My doctor also advised that I skip it. So I texted my "best friend" that I couldn't go. I finally told her that I have bipolar disorder. She couldn't believe it at first and later on, I guess when she finally got over it, she told me that she's a little mad that I have been avoiding talking to her. I would have told her I was sorry except that I wasn't really feeling up to that kind of conversation.

My ex and I are working on some projects together so I have no choice but to talk to him time after time. When I was talking to him on the phone this afternoon, he got agitated. I was asking for updates and I was trying really hard to calm myself down so that my mood is not heard over the phone. But when he sounded irritated while talking to me, it really pissed me off. Here I was, trying my best to control my mood and he didn't seem to even care about that.

Then he called again tonight to ask about something he should already know the answer to. I wanted to throw my phone on the wall.

a;slkfh398yt2io4gh398jthge98wjtljgdfiohjsdiog

Man, I hate this mood.

Monday Fail

I'm doing a Facebook page analysis for work and I don't know where to start.

I had a mild anxiety attack earlier today, by the way. My doctor advised that I discontinue escitalopram as it might have been causing the anxiety.

Had a vivid dream again last night. I was grinding my teeth again.

I really should go to bed now.

I hope things magically become better in the morning.

Right.

Only Bipolar Owl understands.

Harvey Specter

I just spent the whole weekend watching Suits and instead of feeling guilty that I didn't get to do any real work, I'm happy. I'm relieved that I finally get to enjoy little things like this again.

I still get ticked off but they're not as bad and it has only happened twice since Thursday. I dreamt last night, it wasn't as exhausting as the usual but I was grinding my teeth again.

Now I just have to find my momentum again and work harder than I have ever had, because it all comes down to me now, no more extra energy from the mania.

New meds #2

There's a bit of anxiety. But my sleep the past two nights have been really deep, without any dreams.

Mania yesterday started to seep in at around 8:30 in the evening. Instantly felt relaxed after I took meds.

I just have to monitor this anxiety. I'm not sure if it's anxiety or it's just the mood overpowering the meds.

And man, friends make me anxious. I'm so stressed with the thought of having to maintain relationships with people. At this moment, I'd really rather be alone.

New meds

I feel weird. It's like my whole body is being tickled from the inside. I feel good but at the same time I feel like laughing at everything but at the same time it's different from the feeling of being high on weed.

A little bit of humor goes a long way

I handed my mom a pamphlet about bipolar disorder that my doctor gave to me.

She read aloud, "Two Sides of Self-Identity."

Then an awkward silence...

We burst out laughing.

Good times.

Scenarios

I was thinking about bipolar disorder and how it does not define a person. I thought about the different reactions that different people might have. This is all for fun, of course. :D

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Tell me something I don't know.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Can I have something cooler? Can I, can I? Pretty, pretty please?

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: God, I can't wait to tell Takumi andl the Colonel.*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *starts sobbing*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: I don't think so.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: A-ha! I won!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: That is the best worst best worst best worst news.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *thinks about a  hundred other scenarios*
--

*A Looking for Alaska reference. Takumi and the Colonel are Alaska's bestfriends.

Brochure

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong, recurrent illness. But there are various ways in which you can still lead a full life. Some suggessti... Bipolar ... lifelong, recurrent illness ... Bi..po..lar ... disorder ... a lifelong ... illness ... recurrent illness ... LIFELONG ... RECURRENT ... a l..i..f.....e.....long....rec...urre...nt... lifelong.... recur...ren...t...ill.n..e..s...s...

So tired

Man, I'm so tired. Each part of my body aches.

My manic state's getting worse.

Man.

Not Helping

Goddammit, may ex is an insensitive bastard.

I don't know how it happened but for some fucking reason he and my bestfriend saw each other last night and he told my bestfriend why we broke up. He told her this in front of someone we also know. I don't know what he said and it doesn't even matter what he said but WHO DOES THAT?

Am I not even allowed to mourn this shit through?

Are people always going to come up to me saying that my ex told them about what happened and blah and blah?

Why wouldn't he just focus on his own fucking problems than feeling the need to buzz people up all the time looking for someone to drink with, smoke with, and talk with?

As if telling me that I'm over reacting would help. Really. When did that kind of attitude help with any situation?

I wish people in the world would stop talking for a fucking while and start listening.

Crushed

I'm a mess. And no, fuck no, it's not going to be okay.

A Snack Shack realization

Stories about hustling weed. taking shrooms, and visiting locked up friends. These are the things I don't want hearing everyday for the rest of my life. It was a good reminder that there's no room for thinking twice, I'm on the right  track, I just need to move on a steadier pace. How do you get out of the labyrinth again? That's right, straight and fast.

In case you do not get it, that's a "vague" right there. Okay, Imma shut up now.

Morning music is my bestfriend, cheering me on.

Mood: stressed, freaking out, ready to give up

Physical status: has a head-splitting migraine, nauseous, sleep-deprived

Emotional status: all over the place

Mind: perfect, creative, and objective

Today's going to be a long day and I need to get my mood sorted and get a better grip of myself.

I can do this. You know why? Because I'm awesome.

You can do it!

Tiis-tiis, ipon-ipon. No eating out, no movie houses, no buying of any gadgets. Commute everyday, work harder, skip summer. You'll get there, baby, you'll get there.

On another note

I seriously need to get my laptop's keyboard fixed. I can't work on the desktop for hours on end without air-conditioning. This heat is a killer!

A creative block would be a very lucky problem to have

I don't want to work, I just want to make mixtapes all day. And for some reason I want to do some Photoshopping. Should I just waste all this energy to work when I can actually create something beautiful at this very moment? Oh, woe is the Petty B.

Maybe everything we want so badly is worth the wait

I tend to be very technical/mechanical when watching films on a normal day so sometimes when I'm watching a movie for the first time, after a few minutes in I decide on whether or not it is meant to be watched at that particular space-time. Usually I decide on this for the movies that I feel I would like very much. And when I say "like very much", I mean the following: life influence, catharsis, fandom, feelings. The chosen ones are saved for some other time. That perfect time. Sometimes it happens weeks or months after, sometimes even years, sometimes never. And sometimes I get it right.

Tonight I decided to watch Moonrise Kingdom, which I downloaded so many months ago. I just knew that it was what I wanted to watch and that tonight was the best time to get the most out of the experience. Boy, was I right. I wouldn't even review the film. It's too important for that. I'll probably over-analyze it one of these days anyway, but not tonight.

In case anybody's reading this, don't even look at the photos below if you haven't seen the movie yet. It will spoil too much for you. Heed my words. (I even refuse to use uploaded screencaps because they are filtered. Handpicked and screencapped these from my own player.)

Yay to false hopes and dreams that would never come true

I was browsing through Tumblr when I realized, yeah, why would I no longer want to see the world? So, just maybe, I want to chase after those impossible dreams again.

And maybe I'd like to see snow melt outside my window too, at least before I die.

Well, just maybe.

These Things

When does Hatred end, I wonder? At what point? Whenever you get mad at someone, does it just crossfade to The Life After? Simultaneously, Hatred fades out very slowly, The Life After fades in very slowly. Or does it sit there in the dark corner with its bright eyes, watching your every move, waiting for the perfect time to pounce?

Told you today would be a different story

I'm forcing myself to get out of the house this afternoon and will also try to go jogging tomorrow. IN THIS HEAT. (I wake up at around 3 or 4am nowadays anyway so I'll be done before the sun comes up.)

I just have to do these things for my sake.

“At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

What music does to me

Today, at this very moment, I feel like I am ready to forgive. We don't know what tomorrow holds though, but I'm betting it would be an entirely different feeling.

I was feeling better

We know that when one starts to blog in bullet points it means that she has nothing good to share. With that being said...

From the good down to the not-so-bad:

• As part of my Better Well-Being Project, I slept for at least 12 hours straight. Woke up feeling re-energized and better. 
• Mixtapes I uploaded are trending.  Although I don't think I'm too happy with the last one. I should have taken more time making it.
• So many people roll they eyes on Vampire Weekend, but I am a proud fan. And this song has been giving me the good vibes for the last few days:.




The above song uses a (hook) line from:




Both the above songs use elements from:


Ain't music a cool thing? Ugh, too bad nobody reads this shit.
• The Voice Season 4 has been very amusing so far. It hits my cheap-entertainment-and-crappy-pop-culture bone right in the middle. I have never been this entertained by a talent show since... ever, I think.
• I'm feeling optimistic because it's less than a week away from something. I'm sure I can hold on until then.
• My dream was hella weird. Video-game-slash-thriller-movie weird.
• Too many mixtapes, books, and movies, so little time.
• I wonder why talking to people eventually leads to my annoyance. I should just give up conversations altogether.

Dreaming while half-asleep = half-daydreaming?

I woke up to the theme song of Nickelodeon's Victorious which my brothers were watching. I was never a fan of the show but hearing the song made me feel good. I was still half-asleep and the thought of getting up has not yet crossed my mind. I was lying in my bed when I thought, not a bad song to wake up to. Quite inspiring. I suddenly want to chase after my dreams. Then I remembered, inspired to do what? Chase after what dreams?

...

....

..

.....

.

...

Then I got up. 

Well, that was depressing. Ha ha! Cheerio.

Vulnerability

One vague post coming right up!

I like being strong. I have always had to be strong. I am the cold, conservative, unapproachable girl to some. Yes, I am one of those who rarely opens up herself. Yes, you may roll your eyes. In the rare event that I do open up myself to someone, it fucks me up almost every time. Because I can't handle the feeling of someone knowing that much about me then not being on my side when shit boils down. If you offer yourself to be my friend, then a friend you must be. If I feel otherwise even for just a little bit, I will most likely push you away. And I can't even help it. I hate the feeling of vulnerability as much as I hate the feeling of betrayal. They are one and the same to me.

The cold-hearted bitch might just be back soon. For now you must allow me to mourn.

Responsibilities

I do feel that I have been carrying the weight for too long. Everybody's got an excuse. Why was I never allowed to have my own?

So, I'm out.

Well, for now, at least.

It's/I'm getting worse everyday

I don't know what's getting worse everyday--it or I. 

I can't find the will to live, to actually live. I just want to exist and keep existing until the day I no longer.

Because maybe, there is no way out. Thousands of years upon thousands of years, people, prophets, philosophers, geniuses, have contemplated the way out, but maybe there's no answer to that. Even acceptance is not a way out. Even forgiveness is not a way out. Maybe even revolution is not a way out.