What is this mood!

I'm not sure if my mania is coming down or I'm just having a mixed mood. I might be on the brink of another depressive episode and I don't want to go there yettt.  Well, anyway, I find it easier to control my depressive mood anyway rather than my mania. But nooo, there's still so much to do. :(

I had to go out Thursday night because we had an event and as expected, I didn't handle my mood very well. I skipped dinner, therefore also skipping lithium. Got drunk. Puked twice. Fought with one of my closest friends. Went on a ranting spree with another one. That's when I decided to take my lithium despite my empty stomach.

I lost my bag on the same night, which contained a notebook, my cellphone, a shirt, and all my meds, among other things. I brought my meds because I was expecting that I would spend the night at my friends' house. Now I have to ask for a prescription for my clonazepam again. And I would have to explain to my doctor that I was drunk that's why I lost them. Ugh.

Then I lost my wallet yesterday. I KNOW. I am so fucked up. I went to the Toe concert last night and it was awesome. But truth is, during the first half of the show I was really into it but then got really distracted after that. I couldn't focus and thoughts were racing in my head. I was hungry and thirsty and I wanted to get out of there but I also didn't want to miss the show. I'm glad I stuck around. It was worth it.

I haven't taken lamotrigine for three days and maybe that's what's causing my mood today. But I also feel still riled up and annoyed with the world, but not as energetic and high.

Well, as I'm typing this I just shouted at my 9-year old brother because he was being a bully. I know I shouldn't have snapped at him. So I guess mania hasn't come down yet. I feel really, really bad inside though. My chest feels so heavy.

I have to cool my head. I need some smokes! It's 4/20 after all. ;)