I'm back to summer. Me, my blog, new music, and a few online friends. I don't know why the cosmos hates me this year but I have to do something for it not to next year.
I really have to start writing that script.
And I miss him.
12.12.13
11.12.13
Switch the Flip
I feel like I have to get this off my chest before I start working again.
This is the only thing I know. This is what I think I do best. If I'm not doing it right then it means I don't have anything to live for.
See, it has taken me a long time to get to this. I've tried almost everything. Took odd jobs, non-credited courses in college, tried learning new things, but to no avail. Now I have this, it's not much, you can't even call it a career, but it is, in one way or another, a job. It is something one has to do. It is the dirty work. To sum it up, in a production, I do the work nobody else wants to. To still come off as the bad guy is something I just need to accept. Because there is no other way.
But why was I affected when B told me that I'm a bitch when working? I try my best not to be. But I have to keep things in sync, else they'll fall apart. Or so I think. Maybe nobody needs me. Maybe anybody can do this job, they just don't want to. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I'm good at what I do.
I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't feel like killing myself but I want to quit everything and reinvent myself again. I'm good at that. No point in dying when you can live as another person.
Right now though I need to earn money so I need to get back to work even though my body doesn't want to.
I'll find something else to do. Maybe production isn't for me.
This is the only thing I know. This is what I think I do best. If I'm not doing it right then it means I don't have anything to live for.
See, it has taken me a long time to get to this. I've tried almost everything. Took odd jobs, non-credited courses in college, tried learning new things, but to no avail. Now I have this, it's not much, you can't even call it a career, but it is, in one way or another, a job. It is something one has to do. It is the dirty work. To sum it up, in a production, I do the work nobody else wants to. To still come off as the bad guy is something I just need to accept. Because there is no other way.
But why was I affected when B told me that I'm a bitch when working? I try my best not to be. But I have to keep things in sync, else they'll fall apart. Or so I think. Maybe nobody needs me. Maybe anybody can do this job, they just don't want to. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I'm good at what I do.
I don't have the will to live anymore. I don't feel like killing myself but I want to quit everything and reinvent myself again. I'm good at that. No point in dying when you can live as another person.
Right now though I need to earn money so I need to get back to work even though my body doesn't want to.
I'll find something else to do. Maybe production isn't for me.
5.12.13
Thankfully Normal
I've made progress with my mood, I can say that. I no longer feel the dire need to go out, drink, smoke, run, do something dangerous and whatever else I could think impulsively at any given moment despite of however important my current task at hand would be. I feel more steady now. I wrote a little in my old notebook about not knowing where I am and other existentialist bullshit but it helped reflect and get in touch with what I really want and most importantly, realize what a big wuss I have been for the past days.
So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.
Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.
So I was ultimately in the mood to work but of course the universe has its way of making fun of me because, hello, it's still 2013, i'm not getting out of this shithole yet, who am I kidding, so the internet connection didn't want to cooperate with my mood. Instead of letting it trigger my mania and hulking out on our living room with the probability of throwing my laptop out the door, I just decided to procrastinate, put my work aside for tonight, and watch TV again, which honestly I have grown tired of doing, I just really want to work right now, but obviously I can't do that. Why am I here at my parent's house, you might ask. It's because I do not have money to sustain myself for the following days and probably even the days after that. So hello here I am again, 25 and still hasn't gotten my shit together. Don't get me wrong, I don't have qualms with my age or with aging. I love my age and I have only grown wiser, and with everything I have experienced I might as well have lived two lifetimes. So it's really not the age, it's just I would have expected more from me given that this is me and I always have high expectations about everything because I hate being disappointed, it stressed me out, but here I am--25 and back to where I started. Come to think of it, that's not a bad thing at all. I've reinvented myself countless times and I like the thrill of it. I like always having to start over with a new job, new people, new projects, new set of skills, this way I'm never bored. The down side is though, this way I'll also never settle down. Why is that such a down side? Because I really do want a family. Badly. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I would still like to have seven kids. I hope my body would still permit me the time comes. But I can't do that because I don't know how to fucking settle. I'm an idiot, I should just get a career. I wouldn't last three months I'm sure.
Why do I even bother? It's like I have a choice.
4.12.13
Missent Text
I don't even have the strength to write anything. I just want to disappear. I know I wouldn't have been affected as much or at all had I been not in this mood.
See? Now that I think about it, it was funny. I just needed to relax.
I'm just really, really in dire need of a drink.
See? Now that I think about it, it was funny. I just needed to relax.
I'm just really, really in dire need of a drink.
3.12.13
Lazy Writing
- I seriously miss our prod group I can't joke about it anymore.
- I met with a stranger last Saturday.
- I don't think I'd meet with a stranger if I had a choice. Or if I had money. Or the balls to actually ask people out.
- Sometimes I wonder, is it worth telling someone that you like them even though you are sure that they do not like you back? If someone likes you, even if you do not like them, wouldn't you want them to tell you?
- I'm unstable. I need a strategy. I need to get better. Something steady. A routine. Focus on work. No more intoxication and feelings and dramatic fiction. Well, just a bit of dramatic fiction, I guess.
- Honestly, if given the choice to be in a relationship among the guys I like, I would choose none of them.
- I think there's little to no chance that I'd meet another person who would love me as much as my exes did/do. But I'm still really hoping that I would.
- I want to be ready for the right person. This is true.
- Right now, at this very moment, I know where I want to be. I will try my best to get there.
- I belong with my type of crazies. They get me.
- I didn't notice that I have had this knack of talking and meeting with strangers when I'm manic.
- I hope I do not crash yet. I need to work. I need to focus.
2.12.13
Sssssex
And my libido's really high right now. Just thought I'd share. I want to make sweet and violently romantic hungry love.
It's time to talk about my feelings
I have been unconsciously avoiding writing recently because I'm afraid that it would make more in touch with my feelings.
Last Friday was F's birthday so I was feeling a little emotional even there's no reason to. Good think I woke up late and got up even later. I greeted him through text and he jokingly asked for a gift when he replied. I told him only boyfriends receive shoes, flings do not apply.
A was busy with raket so we couldn't meet. I decided to jog eventually, asked B if he wanted to come and was surprised when he said yes.
It was a good run. It felt like the good type of familiar. We were back to between three and four months ago; we just had recently gotten closer and amused with each other and the new friendship. Him probably knowing what I want but have no intentions of going there. It was a good evening run. I would have liked to still hang out afterwards but also knew we shouldn't. I'm being careful. I easily get attached and become clingy to people. It was just a happy moment to have ran with him.
Nobody was home so I texted G if he was in the area. He dropped by the house and we smoked. Lately people have been asking me if there was anything between us or why isn't there. I always told them that it's just that, I love the guy and I care about him, but never in a sexual way.
---
Last Saturday I went out with my roommate K and our friend Gy. I met up with a stranger after that. I did not like him.
---
Went straight after the date to C's apartment. We're meeting again now because he's going to give me money.
I'm a whore.
Last Friday was F's birthday so I was feeling a little emotional even there's no reason to. Good think I woke up late and got up even later. I greeted him through text and he jokingly asked for a gift when he replied. I told him only boyfriends receive shoes, flings do not apply.
A was busy with raket so we couldn't meet. I decided to jog eventually, asked B if he wanted to come and was surprised when he said yes.
It was a good run. It felt like the good type of familiar. We were back to between three and four months ago; we just had recently gotten closer and amused with each other and the new friendship. Him probably knowing what I want but have no intentions of going there. It was a good evening run. I would have liked to still hang out afterwards but also knew we shouldn't. I'm being careful. I easily get attached and become clingy to people. It was just a happy moment to have ran with him.
Nobody was home so I texted G if he was in the area. He dropped by the house and we smoked. Lately people have been asking me if there was anything between us or why isn't there. I always told them that it's just that, I love the guy and I care about him, but never in a sexual way.
---
Last Saturday I went out with my roommate K and our friend Gy. I met up with a stranger after that. I did not like him.
---
Went straight after the date to C's apartment. We're meeting again now because he's going to give me money.
I'm a whore.
29.11.13
His Birthday
I am hurting. Not uncertainly, not by a little. I am hurting. Deep, without blinking, without pausing. Through and through.
---
I'm not sure if I'm mad at RJ because of what he said or because it was B who heard it. RJ said jokingly, "So what, you're going to have sex with F again?"
---
I'm not sure if I'm mad at RJ because of what he said or because it was B who heard it. RJ said jokingly, "So what, you're going to have sex with F again?"
28.11.13
Afternoon
I should be taking a bath now or hanging newly washed clothes or folding my laundry. Instead, I feel like smoking a bowl and walking around UP. Yes, it is August once again and I don't really feel like doing anything productive. I just want to contemplate life and write.
I don't even have a notebook to write on. But I'll find something. If only I'd get the will to take a shower and get out of this house.
I think I should get a bit of cardio. Should I bike? I feel a little sleepy to do so though. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and figure things out when I wake up. I'll play a movie. And stop thinking about him. And the reply I didn't get.
I don't even have a notebook to write on. But I'll find something. If only I'd get the will to take a shower and get out of this house.
I think I should get a bit of cardio. Should I bike? I feel a little sleepy to do so though. Maybe I'll take a quick nap and figure things out when I wake up. I'll play a movie. And stop thinking about him. And the reply I didn't get.
Hump Day Sugod
Why do I still get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I see any indication that I'm just second-rate in his life; just on the sidelines ready to catch him whenever he falls this way.
He just posted something: "My Wishlist... :)" I know I'm being shallow and immature and creepy for reacting to something as trivial as this but my mind suddenly went "He was online just three hours ago but he didn't have the time to leave me a message or text me." and a sudden dark feeling dawned on me, I'm not part of his wishlist. He's probably wishing for a nice day out with his girlfriend, for a steady career, and good health. But not for me. He's not wishing for me. He doesn't have to because he knows I'll always be there. Fine, I might be overreading it but I'd be dense if I would say that he likes me enough. Because he doesn't. He just find me convenient. Not to brag and all--I don't even think it's something to proud of--but I have a way of getting some men hooked sexually. I know I can make them want me for the rest of their lives but nothing more than that, nothing beyond sexual. Minus the sex, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. So maybe my friend RJ is right, F is being nice because he wan't something from me (i.e. sex). Sometimes though I still find myself hoping that it's more than that.
I can honestly say that I've had a great night. Past few days I have convinced myself that I'm on this mission of getting my bohemian life back. It hasn't ended up great the past few days but my patience and perseverance has been worth it. Last night was what I have been looking for. I intended to stay at the concert in Sunken for a while but my friend RJ has been bitching about a lot of things and I didn't want to be left alone with my "other friends." So I decided to also go home when he did. I was having a smoke with my housemate when my crush texted me, "Have you gone home?" It was an alternating scene of me getting kilig and my housemate urging me to text back and ask him if he wanted to hang out. So it ended with me going back to Sunken. Him and one of our friends who is staying with him for the night left about two hours later and I was left with our other friends. We ended up at the house of one of them and went home at quarter to six.
See? My night's been fun. I was actually wondering on the way home if I still want F since I feel like A and I are having a good start. But look at me now, being all stupid and juvenile with this liking for F. I just really want him as much as I don't when I don't. I have no ideas how to do this though. There is only my instincts.
He just posted something: "My Wishlist... :)" I know I'm being shallow and immature and creepy for reacting to something as trivial as this but my mind suddenly went "He was online just three hours ago but he didn't have the time to leave me a message or text me." and a sudden dark feeling dawned on me, I'm not part of his wishlist. He's probably wishing for a nice day out with his girlfriend, for a steady career, and good health. But not for me. He's not wishing for me. He doesn't have to because he knows I'll always be there. Fine, I might be overreading it but I'd be dense if I would say that he likes me enough. Because he doesn't. He just find me convenient. Not to brag and all--I don't even think it's something to proud of--but I have a way of getting some men hooked sexually. I know I can make them want me for the rest of their lives but nothing more than that, nothing beyond sexual. Minus the sex, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. So maybe my friend RJ is right, F is being nice because he wan't something from me (i.e. sex). Sometimes though I still find myself hoping that it's more than that.
I can honestly say that I've had a great night. Past few days I have convinced myself that I'm on this mission of getting my bohemian life back. It hasn't ended up great the past few days but my patience and perseverance has been worth it. Last night was what I have been looking for. I intended to stay at the concert in Sunken for a while but my friend RJ has been bitching about a lot of things and I didn't want to be left alone with my "other friends." So I decided to also go home when he did. I was having a smoke with my housemate when my crush texted me, "Have you gone home?" It was an alternating scene of me getting kilig and my housemate urging me to text back and ask him if he wanted to hang out. So it ended with me going back to Sunken. Him and one of our friends who is staying with him for the night left about two hours later and I was left with our other friends. We ended up at the house of one of them and went home at quarter to six.
See? My night's been fun. I was actually wondering on the way home if I still want F since I feel like A and I are having a good start. But look at me now, being all stupid and juvenile with this liking for F. I just really want him as much as I don't when I don't. I have no ideas how to do this though. There is only my instincts.
27.11.13
Kadiri
I called him. I don't know why I did but somehow I got the feeling that everything was going to be alright once I've talked with him.
I'm not sure though if that phone call helped. I still don't know what to think. Maybe I'll see him next week, maybe I won't.
---
So the above post was for yesterday. I am such a clingy brat. This has got to stop.
I'm not sure though if that phone call helped. I still don't know what to think. Maybe I'll see him next week, maybe I won't.
---
So the above post was for yesterday. I am such a clingy brat. This has got to stop.
19.11.13
The Cost of An Infatuation Not Worth It
I have just come to the realization that F is not worth it. But maybe for the last time I'd do something sweet for him. And maybe give him M&S chocolates on his birthday. But maybe that would be the last time. Just to play around. Or to make him want me. And not want him back just because.
Just maybe.
Just maybe.
Sometimes
Sometimes it's okay to be busy when there's bullshit everywhere. Sometimes work is my escape.
14.11.13
What is this life I'm living, F, and Sepanx
I'm too tired to post anything and it's been like this for a while.
I'm not in the mood to do anything.
The only thing meaningful that comes out of my mouth everyday is "I'm tired." So I guess that defines my life these days.
I am so infatuated with F. But wasn't I with B just a few weeks ago?
I miss talking to my friends. It was so easy when I could talk to them everyday and see them almost everyday.
I miss my Self. I miss everything that I was. I miss being content with where I was. I miss not wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else.
Maybe I do not miss F entirely but I miss the relationship I've built with him.
I want and, I guess, need to be able to start going to my Pdoc again and resume taking my meds.
I'm not in the mood to do anything.
The only thing meaningful that comes out of my mouth everyday is "I'm tired." So I guess that defines my life these days.
I am so infatuated with F. But wasn't I with B just a few weeks ago?
I miss talking to my friends. It was so easy when I could talk to them everyday and see them almost everyday.
I miss my Self. I miss everything that I was. I miss being content with where I was. I miss not wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else.
Maybe I do not miss F entirely but I miss the relationship I've built with him.
I want and, I guess, need to be able to start going to my Pdoc again and resume taking my meds.
Wake up, self
You should start taking care of yourself soon or you will fall apart. It might feel like you already have but believe me you're not there yet, but don't wait for it. Do something about it.
11.11.13
Iskeydyuling
Hello, do you know where your brain is? Right now you are fixing your sched. Today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday.
Tonight, before you sleep, you must have been able to:
-E-mail your PM with details
-Corrections on program
-Schedule
-Tuesday meeting
-Other assignments (refer to notes)
-Her assignments
-Search for mirror pegs
-Update Duberri pages
-Email Kyle for her assignments
Tomorrow, when you wake up, you should immediately:
-Check email
-Follow up on Gelbert
-Do Wagas laundry
-Follow up on everyone else for the meeting
-Follow up on Rodgil for the script
-Follow up on Lumad
-Get in touch with Elmer of GPF
-Ask Melai what time you should pre-prod and reply to Aleli
You should set your schedule for:
-a meeting with Cinema Supremo peeps
-Bendor
-Blue Bustamante
Tomorrow afternoon you have:
1pm - meeting with Paeng
3:30pm - tentative meeting with Gelbert
5pm onwards - have to PREP for WAGAS.
Tomorrow evening you have:
7pm - meeting with Sarah
8pm onwards- - PREP for WAGAS
On Tuesday, Nov 12 - WAGAS SHOOT
After pack-up - QC SPONSORSHIP LETTER
On Wednesday, Nov 13
-GPF Deadline for everything
-FINALIZE QC EVENT DETAILS
-DUBERRI DAY
On Thursday, Nov 14
-WALA PA. PROBABLY GPF. And things you weren't able to finish due to procrastination.
-Tentative meeting with artists
On Friday, Nov 15
-GPF Videos deadline, presentation of title cards, song, etc.
-Send out QC invites and letters
On Saturday,Nov 16
-Vee's Pool Party!
On Sunday, Nov 17
-Wala pa!!!
OKAY NA MUNA SIGURO 'TO FOR NOW OKAYYYY
Tonight, before you sleep, you must have been able to:
-E-mail your PM with details
-Corrections on program
-Schedule
-Tuesday meeting
-Other assignments (refer to notes)
-Her assignments
-Search for mirror pegs
-Update Duberri pages
-Email Kyle for her assignments
Tomorrow, when you wake up, you should immediately:
-Check email
-Follow up on Gelbert
-Do Wagas laundry
-Follow up on everyone else for the meeting
-Follow up on Rodgil for the script
-Follow up on Lumad
-Get in touch with Elmer of GPF
-Ask Melai what time you should pre-prod and reply to Aleli
You should set your schedule for:
-a meeting with Cinema Supremo peeps
-Bendor
-Blue Bustamante
Tomorrow afternoon you have:
1pm - meeting with Paeng
3:30pm - tentative meeting with Gelbert
5pm onwards - have to PREP for WAGAS.
Tomorrow evening you have:
7pm - meeting with Sarah
8pm onwards- - PREP for WAGAS
On Tuesday, Nov 12 - WAGAS SHOOT
After pack-up - QC SPONSORSHIP LETTER
On Wednesday, Nov 13
-GPF Deadline for everything
-FINALIZE QC EVENT DETAILS
-DUBERRI DAY
On Thursday, Nov 14
-WALA PA. PROBABLY GPF. And things you weren't able to finish due to procrastination.
-Tentative meeting with artists
On Friday, Nov 15
-GPF Videos deadline, presentation of title cards, song, etc.
-Send out QC invites and letters
On Saturday,Nov 16
-Vee's Pool Party!
On Sunday, Nov 17
-Wala pa!!!
OKAY NA MUNA SIGURO 'TO FOR NOW OKAYYYY
*
I was going to write something. But I forgot what it was going to be about.
I realized
While you're young, waste your time. Especially when you're still a student.
I realized
While you're young, waste your time. Especially when you're still a student.
9.11.13
I don't know what to make of this day, or this week. Whatever it is I think it helped me take a step back and look at things at a bigger picture. Or have I done that already? Wait, I ought to do that.
My tita sent me a long message long ago and I'm just replying now. It's the mercury retrograde so what the hell, let's do what we can while it still got its power on us.
My tita sent me a long message long ago and I'm just replying now. It's the mercury retrograde so what the hell, let's do what we can while it still got its power on us.
6.11.13
My X: C
All I asked was an apology and he couldn't even give it to me, when he ripped my soul into a million pieces. Can you sue someone for being a asshole? How can things like this go unpunished? Isn't pushing someone out of their wits to the point of taking their own life considered a crime?
5.11.13
Me today
I should be working right now but instead, I feel like writing poetry though no topic comes to mind. Like I know how to write poetry. Right.
Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.
The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.
Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.
I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.
So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.
Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.
The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.
Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.
I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.
So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.
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