Nothing Worth Reading

It's almost the end of the long weekend and I still haven't accomplished anything. For the past few days I have found myself wanting more practically impractical things, watching more useless crap, and surfing more brain-frying webpages.

1. I've been searching for the best phone to buy. I've been using my cheap ass phone for more than a year for a lot of reasons. Mainly because I'm not a great cellphone owner. I mindlessly lose it, intentionally or unintentionally break it, or sometimes I'm just unlucky enough to get robbed. (I owned 5 phones just last year, if you must know.) But I eventually need to succumb to the petite bourgeois societal demands of having a proper (meaning "smart") phone. I need to schedule meetings, take notes, handle my media content, access my email anytime, anywhere, blah, blah, and blah.

This is how I arrived to the Nokia Lumia 800, the model is a year old so it's relatively cheap. (Plus, Lumia 900 just came out.) I'd love to have an S3 or an iPhone but I don't have the budget and really, I don't need much, I just need something to get me going for the next two years (if it manages to last that long in my hands, even.)

2. I've seen the entire first season of Louie, and boy, was it good. I've been meaning to watch it for so long but I've never really bothered to. It's witty, entertaining, and most importantly, short enough. Somebody's got an attention span problem and she's sorry.

What I really like about Louis C.K., aside from making me laugh out loud (which is quite a feat) is that he is his own boss. He created, wrote, directed, produced, and edited his own show, and he had the guts to. He even produces his own live acts. No middlemen and agencies to exploit people. You buy show tickets directly from his website so the tickets are cheaper. He's great, smart, and his TV show is A+.

3. There isn't a lot of things to like about the new TV show, Revolution. The premise is interesting but it scores low on a lot of technical aspects. So until I hear that the plot, editing, production design, and acting--basically everything--has improved, I'll pass.

3. When I'm not watching something, I'm wasting my time with StumbleUpon. Enough said.

4. I want a lot of things for my Xbox, extra hard drive, new games, and Microsoft Points.

5. I want to bake cookies, cupcakes, cakes, and just about everything decadent that can be made through an oven for the holidays. I want to print shirts too. And make stuffed animals. Or try out DIY beauty stuff.

See how I've become superficial? I disappoint myself.

Siddenly, I got nothing to say.

I just feel like I have to say something after that's everything that's happened the past weeks.

I quit my last film project.

Our event didn't push through.

And our short film didn't make it to the screening.

I wanted to just quit after everything that's happened. Surrender to that feeling, to that void. Get a robotic job and do what I do best, escape.

I still have to deliver with the event. We are bound by a contract and I am the signatory. I honestly don't know what to do as we don't have a revolving fund. But that's not even the big problem. The real problem here is I'm not really in the condition to troubleshoot. Given our team composition and our resources, I am the only one willing (I wouldn't say capable) to find ways for this project to actualize.

I don't feel secure because I don't have a plan. I am scared of what happens tomorrow, the day after that, and next week.

I don't know if I'm going to get a job and if I do get a job, how will I head this project?

What will happen next month? Next year? I want to get a job not mainly to earn, but to learn. But things are happening so fast I don't know if I can afford it.

---

Things between me and C are, well, same as usual, I guess. He still loves me, I know he does. I just really think I need a break. WE need a break. I'm just so tired of constantly being on my toes that I have become impatient about everything. It feels like everything that we did to each other since the start of this relationship is taking its toll that even the littlest things drives me crazy. Everything he does that annoy me, even for a bit, makes me remember things that he's done long ago that should have been already forgotten. I feel like he doesn't learn from his mistakes. I feel like I have to constantly watch over him, reprimand him if he does something wrong, push him to move, act, do something, console him when he's feeling down. Things that I need to.

I know that he supports me 100% but I can't feel it because I don't think he's strong enough to support me. There is no sense of security even though he reassures me that I'm going to be fine because it's just not believable coming from him. I don't mean security in the common sense of the word, but just the feeling of having a friend beside you when everything goes downhill. I know he's always beside me but he's more messed up than I am so... there.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising my own boyfriend. I know that in a relationship both have to take care of each other, both have to work on it, and both have to make way for each other. Now the question that I've had for quite some time now, does this mean that I'm not ready for a relationship? Because if I'm no longer willing to do the dirty work then it's unfair to my partner. Sometimes I just feel that I've been doing the dirty work for so long I've gotten tired of it.

Since last year, the only time I can say that we're really okay are the times when he was taking care of me. I don't want to be the kind of person who stays in a relationship for convenience. I don't want to stay spoiled. I wasn't even like this before, I was a complete control freak who wouldn't let anyone take care of me. My ex spoiled me too, and that ruined it for us. He created a monster out of me and I don't want that to happen again.

I will wait for him though. I will help him become a better person, stand beside him while he grows. I just hope he doesn't lose me in the process. I really can't say that he won't.

----

I need to get myself together.

In other news

I am more relaxed now. I no longer fidget in my sleep, dreaming about work. I no longer wake up in a state of panic, thinking about the tasks I need to get done for the day.

I've been relaxed for a week, a full week. AND IT FEELS GOOD.

I know I'd have to get back on the daily program soon enough

and I can't wait.

October: On Alpha Male Film Directors

August was so good to me I expected September to be the same. And it was pretty much okay. There were problems that made me want to go on a road rage and a mass killing spree but I managed through all of them. It was October that ruined it for me.

It was on October 2 (technically, October 3, at around 2 or 3 a.m.) when the director of the film I had been working on pushed me, as in LITERALLY PUSHED ME. He's a big, fat alpha male, in case you're wondering.

It sucked. It really did. I can't even-- I'd like to think that we had a good relationship. He wanted to teach me Production Design and though it has never been included in my plans, why pass up an opportunity to learn, right? I'd also like to think that he was content and, I can even say, impressed with how our team was working until blah blah blah blah internal issue with a co-worker blah blah  I don't even want to start. The story's too long for this blog post and for your attention span.

So one shooting day, everyone was tired and exhausted for not getting enough sleep for weeks on end when communication between departments and key persons became unsystematic and confusing, which isn't really something that is new on this project. Fast forward past the shouting and running and blaming, I hurried down to the set and saw our director about to punch one of the talents. Around that time, most of the staff thought that the delay was my fault. So the director looked at my direction, pointing at me, shouting curses and yelling, and cursing, and yelling! I gave no response. I was just there, poker-faced and all. I didn't really care. I thought, Oh, he's just angry, he just needs to let it all out. He'll be alright. I was on that trail of though when he decided to ATTACK me, and PUSH me. He just pushed me, his right hand on my right shoulder, for about five steps forward while I just kept stepping back. Apparently not satisfied, with his left hand (still pushing me with his right), he took the Monobloc chair behind him and threw it next to me.

And that concludes my career in Costume Design and Production Design, stripping me of any chance of going to Berlinale. Thank you very much.

That's one goal in life I don't have to get confused about anymore. Less options, less dilemmas, less problems. I'd like to think positive and see this as a sign to just pursue my own projects instead of working for other people for theirs. Isn't that a good way of looking at it? Reality though, it still sucks.

Dilemma 2012

It's that time of the year again! When I'm forced to choose between projects.

Either I do this major film (MMFF-major) or I put all my time and effort to my event or I apply for this  pretty decent full-time job (which I'd actually like to have). Not to mention I have a planned Palawan trip with C.

ANG HIRAP. Why must this always happen? Can't projects distribute themselves throughout the year? Why does it all have to happen at the same time?

Fighting

I guess this is the universe cutting me some slack. I wanted to see Gym Class Heroes so (SOOOOOOO) bad.

As you know, I am currently starving and trying to be an artist so getting ahold of a ticket was beyond me that I resigned myself to the idea of spending the night of August 16th working my ass off. Still, one has to find ways. This is the first time I joined an online contest and ta-dah! I actually won something in my life! The show was-- I CAN'T EVEN.

I needed tonight so badly. I just wish it could have lasted longer.

http://instagram.com/p/OZJ2kWTSFf/

photo cred: @marcdejesus

And now back to the real world. A Manila without Gym Class Heroes. I'm grateful they sent out so much good vibes I think it will get me through all of these... things. Family hug what uppppppp.

Much love.

Darna

Friend: alam mo yung superwoman. understudy ka ba nya?
Me: Wonder Woman yata 'yun 'te.
Friend: ikaw na pareho mehn. superman pati!

Ayokong ako rin si Superman. Gusto ko rin ng partner. Or partners, gusto mo 'yon?

Hello World Nakakapagod Ka Na

Pagod na pagod na ako. Lerdddddd. Haaay. Gusto kong ma-comfort. Gusto kong mayakap. Ang daming gawain. Gusto ko ng GVs kausap. Ayoko na ng kahit anong bagahe. Gusto ko ng fresh. Gusto ko ng smileys and good mornings. Ayoko na maging counselor sa lahat ng mga tao. Gusto ko ng movie buddy. Gusto ko ng ka-one bottle. Ayoko na ng constantly kinakabahan sa lahat ng mga bagay. Gusto ko ng steady. Gusto ko ng rabbit hole. AYOKO NAAAAAAAA.

This Is How You Get Down on a Friday

• We've finally found a location for the shoot on Sunday.
• I'll be plugging my event on TV soon.
• C bought us tickets to Palawan for Aug 27-31

There's a lot more I want to say and there are a lot of stories to tell but I'm just too tired. I just hope it remains this steady for the rest of the month.

PLEASE.

Hello World It's My Birthday Month

Today was full of surprises--a mishmash of things both good and bad.

Like the weather. The weather was awful! One moment it's sunny and the next it's raining hard with buhawi-like wind.

HEMINGWAY. The bus company whose bus and bus terminal we were trying to ask permission from for my friend's film turned us down. The shoot is on Sunday so... SOMEBODY CHECK MY STRESS LEVELS PLEASE.

I got compliments from one of my event sponsors today! He said that my proposal was done very well, with a lot of effort put in it. Wait, is that a compliment or is that another way of saying I went over the top? At least he was willing to sponsor a bulk of our shoot equipment. YES!

Then the main staff, there are four of us (YES, JUST FOUR OF US), went to meet; had dinner and a bottle. There were a lot of things to talk about. STRESS LEVELS AGAIN, SOMEONE CHECK PLEASE. But it felt good. It always feels good when you're starting to feel demoralized about your work then suddenly you realize that you're not alone in what you're doing, and you have people around you to go to for help. I'm a fan of collective action. LET'S GO, TEAM!

Then I waited for a bus under the cruel night sky... for a long time. I CURSE THE HEAVENS.

I got home. Bestfriend informed me of Piso Fare. Booked myself and C for a Puerto Princesa trip at the end of August. I don't know where I will scrounge for the 678.08 I need for the ticket. I just thought it would be a nice birthday gift for myself. Hell, I need a getaway, don't you agree? EXCUSE ME WHILE I ROB A SARI-SARI STORE.

C informed me that a director we recently worked with hasn't started on his next film yet. YES, OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT MYSELF AS THE NEXT BEST WARDROBE PERSON! But, I don't know, I really don't know. HAHAHAHAHA

I'm fukken sleepy. I have to wake up in four hours. AIN'T LIFE GRAND?

Little Things

Well, it wasn't as productive as it should have been. I was supposed to do things for this thesis of my friend but laziness got ahead of me. Well, hello? It was freaking raining the whole day. Not to mention the buhawi-like wind.

So I just went with C to a film workshop where I met his friend. A just-another-aspiring-filmmaker. Okay, I'm mean.

After that, we watched The Animals at the university's film theater with friends. The movie wasn't good. It's okay technically, but the substance was lost in the midst of it all.

Oh and.

There was this one scene where Jake, having fun and lost in the moment, was dancing suggestively with a girl at a party that he's hosting. Then his girlfriend Trina saw them and got upset.

C said that Jake and the girl wasn't even doing anything malicious. I held my breath. Why would he think that? Why would he think that dancing with another girl (a stranger to his girlfriend) at a party is not considered malicious? Of course when I asked him later he said that he was just referring to the shot. That the shot was poorly made. That they could have made the act more obvious, or as I understand it, exaggerated. 

"Exaggerated" because what they did in the shot was all the scene needed. Jake and the girl didn't need to make out. That would have been out of Jake's character. I don't understand. Did C judge the scene wrongly or does he just think that way? God, he really does think that there's nothing wrong with dancing with another girl?

These things. These little things.

God, what will I do?

Hanggang Kailan

Hindi ko alam kung may pagka-masokista ba ako, sadyang mabait lang, o isang malaking tanga. Sinasabi ng karelasyon ko palagi na hindi ko dapat iniintindi ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. Paano kung nakikita kong genuinely concerned lang talaga ang ibang tao? Hindi ba sila naman ang nakikita in a broader sense at mas objectively sa nangyayari sa buhay ko? Paano kung sinasabi nilang masyado na akong nahihirapan at na-ho-hold back, and at the same time 'yon din naman ang nararamdaman ko talaga? Makikinig pa rin ba ako sa karelasyon ko na mag-focus sa positive? Paano kung nahihirapan na talaga ako? 'Yung totoo talaga? Paano ko ipapaliwanag sa karelasyon ko? Paano ko sasabihing hindi sapat ang pag-ibig? Na hindi sapat ang paglalambingan, pagyayakapan, at paghaharutan para masabing masigla ang isang relasyon? Paano ko pilit ipapaliwanag ang mga bagay na hindi naman n'ya pinaniniwalaan? Paano pa ako magpapaliwanag kung paulit-ulit na ang mga paliwanag?

For Personal Use

Since I am a person who needs to write her thoughts down in order to make sense of things, I have to take a step back for a while and write this. It helps to pretend that I'm talking to someone.

I am currently line producing a friend's film thesis and we weren't able to produce enough money for the film for reasons irrelevant to this post and, therefore, I do not need to mention. Last week, I initiated to organize a fund-raising gig for the film and of course, being myself, I did it alone.

We are two weeks away from the first shooting day (August 5) and I still haven't found any individual/org/company that's willing to sponsor the band equipment for the event. Of course I can move the event to a bar, but that wouldn't solve a thing because I would still need to pay the bar. Or I can look for a venue that has band equipment but would be willing to let us use the place for free or with minimal "bar guarantee."

Option 1:

Push through with the event on August 2

Move the event to a bar w/ available band equipment

Look for a bar with minimal "bar guarantee"

Entrance fee of P150

Option 2:

Move the event until after the shoot

Proceed with original plan of an open area

Market drink sponsors, equipment sponsors, merchandise sponsors, etc.

Free entrance

(Downside: No cash produced for the shoot)

I can't think of any other options right now.

I don't know how to open this problem to the film's crew since everyone's busy with their own tasks. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

So far, I need to do the following things for this film:

-coordinate for location hunt

-contact this certain NGO for possibility of a tie-up

-contact SILIP

-contact MC

-look for catering sponsor

-look for transportation sponsor

-look for band equipment

-media partners

-follow up on solicitations

Okay, now that that's settled in my brain. I also need to market the other webseries project with another group.

-list of funding institutions with deadlines this month and the next

-compile requirements for grant requests 

I'll deal with third project "later part in life."

Sorry, I just needed this written down. Sigh.

Hi Internet,

I suck. On Friday nights like this you're my only social life. And I mean you and only you. I don't even talk to people online. Well, it's not like there's nobody I can go out with, I just don't have money. And it's not that I don't have a boyfriend, he's just out with his friends. Because he has a social life... and he doesn't suck... unlike me. On Friday nights like this I wish I didn't have you, Internet, and I wish I still lived in QC. Then I would be forced to go out in search of something to do. Even without money, I'm sure I would find ways, because that's what's living in QC is like, one can always find ways. On Friday nights like this, I am reminded that I am still 23. Using pop culture as reference, I should be out there having fun with my friends. I should be "unwinding" and "letting my hair down." On Friday nights like this, I wish I was single and didn't have to worry about what my boyfriend would think. Because no matter what happens I'm sure in one way or another going out on a Friday night like this without him would lead into a fight, even a small one. Most of all, on Friday nights like this, I miss being with my friends. I miss talking with other people. I miss the feeling of being human, of being alive.

See, Internet? The world outside is a lot different from what you show us. And I am more shallow than I appear to be. I simply ask that Friday nights like this would no longer exist, so that what would remain are only Friday nights. Just Friday nights.

Have not been getting down for many Fridays,
Me

Bullet Points

• All pent-up feelings surface when listening to music.
• I long for someone who would rather stay in with me all night than go out to party.
• Remember that magazine I worked for? Its former employees created an unofficial Facebook Group bashing the company and its bosses. Oh, what fun! I get to vent out on how much they suck.
• Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be single and dating. I never got to experience it, you see. I would like to think that I'm happy and content with the current romantic relationship I am in but would I be asking this if I was?
• I am jealous of the people around me. I am jealous of the people my age and those younger than me who are doing what they love and are good at it. I wish I was skilled and talented. And born and raised rich.
• I am stuck to where I was three years ago. Stuck with the same boyfriend, the same dilemmas, the same dreams, the same knowledge, the same skills. It would not be too long that I would become obsolete. I need to update myself. Quickly.
• I don't like asking other people for work/racket. I have always been insecure about this and have always felt scared that I would not be able to deliver. I'd rather they ask me. They would know better if I was competent enough for the job. But unfortunately, in this cruel world, this sort of snobbish mindset wouldn't get a mediocre petite bourgeois like me anywhere. I'd like to be more aggressive. But I also know that that I can never be.
• I really need to feed myself. You think I should stop dealing with anything that is of the arts?
• In case you were wondering, yes, there was a time when I loved being me very much.
• The past three years have taught me what it's really like to be in a relationship. My relationships before this were... steady. I never really had to worry much about my ex-partners because they were all able and independent and they took care of me more than I of them. No wonder I've been having second thoughts. Am I really ready for a relationship? Like I have a choice, I'm already in one.
• I really need to feed myself.

Usual Rant

Pre-prod resumes tomorrow. Shoot is on Friday. And I, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I turned down this project twice. I still ended up agreeing to do it. The favors I do for friends. That's why I don't talk to a lot of them at the time, I can't afford it.

C and I are growing apart. He still insists that we stay together, of course. But I'm not sure. I want him to do what he wants and I'm happy with how things are going for him. I just don't think we should still be together. I'm just so tired of waiting.

I think I can say that I've been very understanding the past years, but I don't know where else I can get the patience to survive the next.

If I listen to him and stay in this relationship I'm afraid I'll go mad. If it's always going to be like this how can I realize my own potential? How will I ever find my own niche? How will I have my own children? Yes, it is an issue for me even at 23. I want to be a mother. It's not a problem if I have to be a single mom, but if I stay in this relationship, I know that I might never have sons and daughters.

Maybe I'm being selfish and unfair. Or maybe I don't love him enough anymore to support him in doing the things he love. I think I simply changed. My priorities changed, while he hasn't figured out his priorities yet. He says I'm his priority. that he's trying to build a life for the both us. But I know that this is only partly true. I know he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me but also expects me to be on the sidelines, cheering him on, being patient, waiting for him. You see, C's got a thing for the limelight. He wants to build a name for himself. There's nothing wrong with that, ambition can be a good thing. But I'm not like that. I'm much simpler than I appear to be. I was never a rockstar nor did I ever want to be one.

I have suffered greatly in the past, losing people that I love, so letting go of this one isn't easy. But I want to be happy, I would like to believe I deserve fulfillment. Also, I dream of visiting this certain place, learning this certain thing, and having this certain number of kids. All a secret for now. Let's see if I muster the courage to let go and finally chase those dreams.

(If only we live in a free world, problems like this wouldn't exist.)

Living is futile

I'm starting to realize that there really is no way to truly live other than fighting for genuine liberation. Others ways are not living, just an attempt to.

This is my vain attempt.

I have made difficult decisions in my life but none has prepared me for this. I have grown so little in the past two to three years that I think I am obliged to force myself to grow up now.

This isn't just about me anymore, it's about responsibilities. It's about family.

Unfortunately, I come from a lower petite bourgeois family. The past few years have not been our best, economically speaking. There really is nothing to blame but the economy/oppressors/landlords/imperialism/big bourgeois comprador. Call it whatever, it's the same shit when you look at the big picture.

Do you see it now?  It may seem like I have options but I don't.

Soon enough my heart and soul would die. I may continue to breathe, but I would be dead inside. I would be working to feed my siblings, to send them to school, to keep a roof over our heads. We would all attempt to live. My soul would be dead inside, but I would at least try to save my family's.

Daddy Issues

So dead. Soooo dead.

what is this poverty

gutom na gutom na ako at wala akong pera. sobrang payat ko na, oo, pero aminin nating hindi pa rin papasang pulubi ang kutis kaya kahit siguro mamalimos ako sa labas wala ring magbibigay. alam ko ring kailangan ko nang umuwi sa magulang ko pero wait lang, mamaya-maya siguro. dami ko pang iniisip e. mukhang doon muna ako titira nang ilang araw, mag-re-recharge, mag-iipon ng lakas at fats para makagalaw-galaw ulit sa mundo.

naiisip ko nga na what if ang raket ko e "meal companion?" tamang pwede akong kontakin ng mga gusto ng company during lunch break tapos ang bayad lang e ililibre ako ng pagkain. (siguro pag malayo may transpo allowance pang-commute, kung may kotse e di sunduan.) di ba? hindi na ako magugutom. para akong on-call date for rent pero para lang talaga sa mga gustong may kasabay kumain. maayos at masaya rin naman akong kasama at kausap, at magana rin akong kumain. pwede ko ring bagayan kung anong trip nung tao, mapa-street food, home-cooked, o fine dining. kung may pera siguro ako magbabayad din ako minsan para dito, hindi kasi ako makakain nang walang kasabay. sana may makaimbento ng ganito, sasali ako.

sana magkaroon na 'ko ng raket papa jisus.

Segue

So many things have happened
and a lot that I have learned the past few days.

STRENGTH. It's what I need to get through the following days. Nothing's certain anymore and it scares me. It scares me and at the same time I don't really want to care. I just want to keep going and not giving an F. And yes, I'm getting there. The cold-hearted whatever-you-want-to-call-me.