Were

I was going to talk about something then I forgot what. Ever since I stopped reading, I feel like I don't have the right to write anymore. I only talk crap these days and I know I'm not worth reading. 

I don't wish to become younger but if only things can go back to how there were before. I made more sense then than I do now that I actually have the chance to actualize my visions. I was better dreaming and thinking of things that I could do. I don't have anything to offer this world anymore. I am just a slave to other people trying to build their dreams.

But maybe I need to learn to be more patient. And maybe it will pay off. Of course there's also the chance that it wouldn't but I can't be bother into thinking that right now, else I will have a serious breakdown. I thought I liked doing this but every time I'm doing it, the only thing I look forward to is getting a break and boy, I don't think I'll be having one anytime soon. And boy, do I want one so badly. My life doesn't even have room for my crazy anymore. And I not being allowed to be crazy is what's been driving me crazy. It's difficult to explain but having to go against your body's will everyday is absolutely exhausting. And so said Sylvia Plath, "I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is."

Egad

So I fucking turned 26 today! Ain't that brilliant? I'm in my late twenties, yo! I have 24 hours to do whatever I want and I plan to watch Boyhood. Woooot!

Maybe I should be cleaning the house but I'm feeling too special for that.

I don't feel my age! At all! It's a great thing to grow older, especially when you know that you're where you're supposed to be--lost and searching. Also, I'm having the best of both worlds. The smug self-righteousness ("Ugh, kids/") of an adult and the whimsicality of someone still coming of age.

I'm going to be myself todayyyy, no holds barred, bipolar shiz or whatnot!

Older

I'm turning 26 in a few days and I still can't say that I have already figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm still living in the now and for some people that sounds really rebellious and reckless, but so far it has worked for me. Maybe not as well as what other would have expected from a 25-year old but I'm fine. I struggled a lot and lord, I still do, and still a lot. I'm just holding on really tight, even with only my little finger. This doesn't mean that I'm hopeful, this just means that I trust the now. I just do my best in everything and maybe I'll get there, maybe I don't, it doesn't matter because it is always the journey that is most important.

It's 3:30 in the morning and I know I should be sleeping or writing that godforsaken event script at least.

I'm just having problems with my ex. I really just wanted to remember something good but this is where we end up after all. I'm sorry, I'm not being selfish (hell, everyone knows I can be the most selfless friend), I just can't handle him. I can't even say I'm not strong enough of a person because I know that despite my crazies I know that I am and I know how many god-knows-what I have gone through in my life and look, I'm still here. But he just gets through me. We were together for a really long time so he knows which buttons to push. I don't know why he doesn't realize how much he affects me. I mean, he had me when I was 20. The early twenties are the most formative years of an adult's life and it is when they are most sensitive and vulnerable. Their environment, the people they hang out with, the things they learn, and the culture they pick up during these years are what sticks to them all through their life. Their future likes and dislikes, values, morals, have their foundation set on everything they consume during this age. This is also the time that a person experiences the most drastic changes in his or her life. The individual eventually learns what he or she really wants and picks them out from all the clutter, keeps them in his or her life box, and throws the rest of them away. I have a lot to say about this matter but I know he would never listen. Like he would never believe that I am also hurt. That he is the reason I am this dysfunctional. And I am not blaming him, it was also my choice, it's just that he was around at that time and he was there when all of those happened and really, it just didn't work out. I don't want to have any regrets but sometimes I find myself wishing I had never met him. I loved him too much. I should have been focusing on my personal growth, I got too complacent with where I was with my life. During your twenties. believe me, you can't afford to have an insecure partner preventing you from going out there and building your future (and this doesn't even pertain to school or work, just your life in general). Even when you think that your partner is fully in support of what you're doing and you think that they don't limit you in any way and that you have everything under control, it is STILL better not to have one. Seriously. It may sound miserable but believe me, it is actually the complete opposite; it is the best gift you can give yourself--independence.

---

I liked him, always have, and I missed my chance. This doesn't make me sad--time can be cruel--in fact, I can say it made me hopeful. That I will meet someone I will like as much, unexpectedly, without asking or looking. Or more importantly, that I don't have to meet anyone, I can be happy for others and for myself even as a lone one. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in a relationship just yet.

---

It stuck with me, that line--There is more to life than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Now this statement is who I have always been and I don't think I plan to change that. Recently there have been instances, influenced by my current close circle of friends, of superficiality, but I don't want to loose footing on who I want to be so I'm keeping this in mind. Always, always be sensible. There is no part of me I want removed or replaced, I just want a better version. I'm focusing on who I want to be, not who I am and definitely not what people say I have become.

---

At the end of the day though, I just want to be a mom. I know that sounds weird coming from me because I'm all for creating and la vie boheme and seizing the shit out every single day but I still find that that's what I really want. And that I want to put up a pre-school. Gahhhhhhhh

Ganito kasi 'yan

Miss na kita. Wala na akong naka-connect na papantay sa atin noon. At sa totoo lang, mahal naman talaga kita. Kaso baliw ka, e. As in, hindi bilang adjective, bilang noun. Bilang tao. Ang gusto ko lang naman mangyari ay mawala 'yung kabaliwan mo. Pero sino ba ako para diktahan 'yon, 'di ba? Alam ko namang hindi madali. Ako nga struggling pa rin at nababaliw pa rin from time to time. Siguro kasi alam ko na ngayon na kayang igpawan ang kabaliwan. Hindi man totally, pero enough para hindi maging destructive. Ang pinaka-sane na mga araw/linggo/buwan ng buhay ko ay 'yung wala ka. O, hindi na subjective feelings 'yan. Based na 'yan sa true story. Marami pa akong proof kung bakit ka baliw at kung bakit nababaliw ako 'pag nandyan ka and not in a good way. Pero hindi ko na kaya isa-isahin 'yun, e. Gano'n s'ya nakakabaliw. Masyado na ring maraming masasakit at malalim na things, hindi na kaya tapalan ng bagong memories.

Sayang. Mahal naman talaga kita, e.

tangina n'yo pala e

ayoko na talaga muna ng lalaki. sana lumayo-layo muna sila sa 'kin utang na loob.

Someday

Okay, I'm not doing this right now, I have to work.

I'm lucky to have these projects on hand and I shouldn't put it to waste. I can do this. Deadline lang 'yan.

shet ang pogi ng crush ko

Ang tagal na nun. Pero ang sakit pa rin. In love pa rin ako sa mga ala-alang iniwan mo.

I wish there was a chance for a different timeline. I wish you didn't have to be an asshole. But I don't wish to have done things differently. I'm done blaming myself. It was all you. You ruined it all. You and your self-righteousness.

Hot

Sobra 'yung inis ko. Kailangan kong magpalipas ng init ng ulo. Ano kayang pwedeng gawin?

Magdala kaya ako ng libro? O tumakbo? Pwede 'yung takbo. Kemerat din siguro, ;no?

Pagpili

'Yan tayo, e. Lagi na lang na tayong mali ng pinipili. May pagkakataon na ako pinalampas ko pa. Bakit? Kasi pinili ko na naman 'yung luma. Akala ko mas safe. Ang tanga ko talaga. Ayoko na. Lagi na lang ang akong talo.

So ngayon tinatamad na naman akong mag-aral. Buset.

Turn of events

So I might be enrolling this semester. (I need to learn to write again, else I'm in for a deep shit.)

I'm not sure why I'm going back to school. It was an impulsive decision, I admit, and I'm sure it isn't going to be a fun ride.

Wala na naman akong gana sa lahat. Wala na yung Rosspiration ko. Bleagh. Nevermind, I'm find with that. I want my drinking buddy.

Level 54: Restraint

I think I reached a new level of maturity there, when I quit F's prod. Maybe I am starting to learn to avoid unnecessary stressors in my life. It was a project I would have really loved doing. Circumstances seemed to have permit it, the universe and all its star stuff seemed to have agreed on it. But I had grown wise enough to have surpassed something so powerful. I feel like Eugene in Ghost Fighter in his stronger-with-long-black-hair-but-wait-there's-more-it-turns-white mode. I am, proud of myself and at the same time, I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I would like to be able to tell him one day why I quit but I will have to find the words for it first. He has such great potential and this world needs him. He is destined for greatness and I don't want to be the one to cause him to stumble when he's almost there. So let him live the steady, because no matter how on-the-edge I believe one should live, steady is still good. I'm sure there's another timeline for us is what I'm saying.

(I need to learn to be patient again with writing. Including editing.)

I'm approaching my Day 100 in a week and boy, am I proud and not giving a fuck. Of course the thought ot betrayal and not being good enough still hurts a bit and I am still attracted to him sexually. But using all the strength I could muster, I have given up on the thought of anything romantic happening. It is true that you eventually go numb, or almost. I would like to still be friends with him, we enjoyed each other's company, after all. But please, no introductions to the new girlfriend yet. My current self-esteem is too low for that. I am confident that I am not going to relapse that I might just delete our convos right after this blog post.

And B? I miss talking with him and exchanging normal thoughts with him. Thoughts and ideas and stories I could only share with a few people and know that they, at least, get it. (Someone getting it is really a prize, understanding it is just a bonus). There came a point when I thought I have gotten over my romantic feelings for him and I could only see my relationship with him thereafter to be strictly platonic.  I was proven wrong when I saw him again just a few weeks ago. I haven't seen him since the week after his thesis defense and I don't remember to have spent ample time talking to him. We haven't talked much virtually after that so I hadn't really been thinking about him but when I saw him, bam, he still has hold on me. He is still my ideal.

I don't feel like dating or seeing other guys. I only want those that I'm already familiar with. But maybe there just aren't any great men coming my way these days. The great men, you can never find them--like Night Furies--you'll just have to be perseverant, and patient that one day, you'll catch them. The three above? They were too great for my own good.

you were with me for a while
stroking my days

Interlude

Now that I have the time, I'm not sure what to do. I miss living in in-betweens. I'm a little bummed that our press con will not be pushing through tomorrow due to typhoon Glenda and I'm more disappointed than I should be that I didn't get to hang out with B. I just miss the guy is all. It must be the weather. I miss the things that I had been doing around this time last year.

I am not really asking for much in my life. Just a few good friends and the opportunity to create.

Why am I doing production work? What does it have to do with who I want to be as a human being and how I want to live my life?

Am I hoping to learn anything from all this stuff I've been spending my time on? It's the only learning environment I get to have because I have stopped going to school a long time ago. Has my time and effort been worth it? What's the end goal? Where do I draw the line?

I wish I have the resources to learn new things. I'd love to learn how to dance. And write. And bake. And spend more time with crafts.

I know this post is icky and I would die if anybody gets to read all this ranting and it makes me think of myself less but I just have to get my thoughts in writing because there is nothing better to do.

See? Nothing better to do. Hay.

Last Stretch

Last stretch na 'to, kaya ko 'to! Konting puyat lang 'yan! Push lang!

chos

Okay, ang chaka ko pala talaga magsulat dati.

Kahit gusto kong magsulat ngayon masyado na akong inaantok at maaga pa ako bukas. Pero at least, di ba, ineffort ko na mag-type ng kahit ano.

Aksaya space.

I wish I can still write like I used to. And I wish I can write anywhere I want to. And anytime I want to. I am so consumed with this little world that I have forgotten what it's like to create. But that's what I really want to do though.

Gahd I'm sleepy. Please don't hate me.

And here comes the crash. Ang tinding relapse sa buhay. Hindi lang sa lovelife, as in sa buhay.

Kailangan ko na nga talaga ng bagong environment. Hindi na nag-wo-work 'to. Good call 'yung pag-quit ko kay F. Kailangan ko na sa mundong 'yon/'to.

I need something worthwhile to do. Ang mahirap, I've never felt that in anything other than activism. Activism was the only thing that made me feel whole. But I can't, I have to earn money at least.

So maybe I do need to study again. Maybe it doesn't have to be UP. Or maybe it doesn't have to be college. Just study something.

It is difficult to dream when I can't envision the future. I have no will for anything. I just know that I have to take care of the now. It isn't really bad thing, it's just that the now really sucks.

I have to go eat lunch now.

Tanginangbreaknasanka

Nasasaktan pa rin ako pero tanggap ko na. Does that make sense?

Sabi ng kaibigan ko, kapag nasaktan ka raw, most likely i-i-inflict mo rin 'yung pain na 'yun sa iba. Feeling ko nga. Feeling ko kailangan ko munang mamanhid pagkatapos nito.

Hindi ko nga gets kung bakit ba biglang ang big deal ng pagkakaroon ng someone sa buhay ko e. Nabubuhay naman ako dati nang ako lang. Walang pakialam kung may lovelife o wala. Ang takot ko ngayon pati ba naman self-affirmation hahanapin ko na rin sa iba? 'Wag ganon.

Kailangan ko ng mga bagong hobbies, o di kaya bumalik sa mga dating hobbies. Kailangan ko rin yatang dalasan ang pag-uwi sa mga magulang ko. Kailangan ko rin ng bagong mundo.

Ang hirap din ng maraming pinoproblema ha, sa totoo lang.

Feeling ko maximum ko na yung six months sa isang sirkulo. Ang dali ko kasing masaktan at ang tagal mag-move on.

Kailangan ko ngang mag-excel sa isang bagay. Pero bakit wala akong motivation? Actually gusto kong matutong sumayaw. Matagal ko nang frustration 'yon. Pwede naman 'di ba? Ay pora. Haaaay. Trabaho na naman bukas.

Malapit na namana kong ma-deps.

Pota.

Shit, man

What do you know, it's Day 80! I can't express how proud I am with myself. This is awesome! And now maybe I am on that road to acceptance. The last 20 days and I'm still on track. Great job!

I should go to bed now. I wouldn't want to crash tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm Not Bitter

I guess it's time that I admit to myself that I loved you. I fell deeply in love with you. I fell in love with you on the night of December 18, 2013. The night I saw you in a different light.

I admit that I was really hurt. It was you fault, of course. But tonight I understand. It is a different world, yours. One that I can never be a part of. While she, perfectly fits in it. It is a world that I would never truly understand even if I say that I do.

Tonight, I am genuinely happy for you. You are a great guy and I do not want you wasting your time on me anymore. Same way that I can no longer waste mine with you.

And this applies to the other guy too.

Nothing but happiness to the three of us!

Shit

Death seems to be the easiest yet still difficult way out. I am left alone now, both literally and figuratively. With only P70 and things to buy for a shoot I've already committed to.

I am shit.

I don't really wish to disappear. I just want things to stop moving for a while, just so I can breathe.

I don't want to ask C for help anymore. He's already done enough and I haven't really given him anything in return.

I want to hurt myself.