I'm turning 26 in a few days and I still can't say that I have already figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm still living in the now and for some people that sounds really rebellious and reckless, but so far it has worked for me. Maybe not as well as what other would have expected from a 25-year old but I'm fine. I struggled a lot and lord, I still do, and still a lot. I'm just holding on really tight, even with only my little finger. This doesn't mean that I'm hopeful, this just means that I trust the now. I just do my best in everything and maybe I'll get there, maybe I don't, it doesn't matter because it is always the journey that is most important.
It's 3:30 in the morning and I know I should be sleeping or writing that godforsaken event script at least.
I'm just having problems with my ex. I really just wanted to remember something good but this is where we end up after all. I'm sorry, I'm not being selfish (hell, everyone knows I can be the most selfless friend), I just can't handle him. I can't even say I'm not strong enough of a person because I know that despite my crazies I know that I am and I know how many god-knows-what I have gone through in my life and look, I'm still here. But he just gets through me. We were together for a really long time so he knows which buttons to push. I don't know why he doesn't realize how much he affects me. I mean, he had me when I was 20. The early twenties are the most formative years of an adult's life and it is when they are most sensitive and vulnerable. Their environment, the people they hang out with, the things they learn, and the culture they pick up during these years are what sticks to them all through their life. Their future likes and dislikes, values, morals, have their foundation set on everything they consume during this age. This is also the time that a person experiences the most drastic changes in his or her life. The individual eventually learns what he or she really wants and picks them out from all the clutter, keeps them in his or her life box, and throws the rest of them away. I have a lot to say about this matter but I know he would never listen. Like he would never believe that I am also hurt. That he is the reason I am this dysfunctional. And I am not blaming him, it was also my choice, it's just that he was around at that time and he was there when all of those happened and really, it just didn't work out. I don't want to have any regrets but sometimes I find myself wishing I had never met him. I loved him too much. I should have been focusing on my personal growth, I got too complacent with where I was with my life. During your twenties. believe me, you can't afford to have an insecure partner preventing you from going out there and building your future (and this doesn't even pertain to school or work, just your life in general). Even when you think that your partner is fully in support of what you're doing and you think that they don't limit you in any way and that you have everything under control, it is STILL better not to have one. Seriously. It may sound miserable but believe me, it is actually the complete opposite; it is the best gift you can give yourself--independence.
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I liked him, always have, and I missed my chance. This doesn't make me sad--time can be cruel--in fact, I can say it made me hopeful. That I will meet someone I will like as much, unexpectedly, without asking or looking. Or more importantly, that I don't have to meet anyone, I can be happy for others and for myself even as a lone one. I know for sure that I am not ready to be in a relationship just yet.
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It stuck with me, that line--There is more to life than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Now this statement is who I have always been and I don't think I plan to change that. Recently there have been instances, influenced by my current close circle of friends, of superficiality, but I don't want to loose footing on who I want to be so I'm keeping this in mind. Always, always be sensible. There is no part of me I want removed or replaced, I just want a better version. I'm focusing on who I want to be, not who I am and definitely not what people say I have become.
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At the end of the day though, I just want to be a mom. I know that sounds weird coming from me because I'm all for creating and la vie boheme and seizing the shit out every single day but I still find that that's what I really want. And that I want to put up a pre-school. Gahhhhhhhh
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