Dear Diary

I miss having a diary. I used to keep a diary when I was young where I poured all my pent-up emotions and chronicled everything that happened to me during the day. Sometimes I would even write something fictitious or exaggerate my stories a little bit just so it would seem more adventurous. I feel bad that I didn't keep any of them. Back then, I would even go as far as secretly dying my hair just so I have something fun to write on my diary. Hell, that was the most fun that I could get when I was fourteen, on the same level with sneaking out of the house to see the lunar eclipse. Just in front of the house, mind you.

Since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated with secrets and doing things secretly. I like the thrill of it. Nothing excites me more than doing things in secret. I even formed a secret group when I was fifteen. We were called the "White Shadow." We would go from doing pranks to sending secret love letters. And I, was the mastermind. Of course I let someone else be called the Mastermind, because I had to be the director. I had to plan everything, including who should be the Professor X. We could go way, way back, when I was 8 or 9 or 10, I formed an exclusive group called "The Craft" which is obviously inspired by the movie. Sadly, I don't remember what we did in our group. I really should have kept those diaries.

Then I had secret blogs. A bunch of them. All over the WWW. It's very risky. It has gotten me into trouble twice. On bizarrely very similar occasions. My ex found out that "something happened" between me and my workmate because I left my e-mail open and he was able to read my blog posts because apparently blog post forwarding to my e-mail was turned on. Me and the guy weren't even sleeping together then. We slept together eventually. The second time was when C found out that "something happened" between me and another workmate ("L"), on which I eventually confessed that we slept together. There, not exactly my target market of audience. Despite everything, I'm still here, obviously. Ranting away. Exposing my entire existence and putting it in compromise.

Anyway, I just wrote this so I could babble about babbling secretly, and because I just thought that I should make an effort to post more often even though they are completely nonsensical. That's the point of having a secret diary, after all.

Reality

I figured now is the time to say something.

I've been spiraling. I'm trying to figure things out. So far I'm stagnant; a breeding ground for everything not wanted.

In other news, C and I bumped into L and his girlfriend last Feb 14. In C's words, "What are the odds?" One important thing, I've always known that it was going to happen sooner or later, in one way or another. I had played the possible scenarios in my head maybe more than a couple of times before. But then, when it happened, I didn't exactly act nicely. I did high-five him back, and (barely) shook the hand (in the coldest way) offered by his girlfriend, and then proceeded on ignoring them the next couple of minutes. C is the best. I honestly admire how congenial he can be (despite how evil he thinks he is/can be.) He was perfectly civil, nice, and all-smiles to the two. Thank goodness I have him. (I love you!)

Now,  the next thing I would be babbling about would  be how I kind of feel guilty for purposely ignoring them and being "mataray", but truthfully, that was what I was felt at the time. I'm not trained in masking my emotions, and my face is just naturally expressive.

I realize now that the only reason I didn't act pleasant because I am just not. Introduce me to whoever for the first time and guaranteed, he or she'll get an I-Ignore-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Face treatment. (Miserably enough, pretending to be enthusiastic about something isn't my specialty.)  Pure and simple.

Now, the issue with "L". I would still want to be friends with him someday but only until C feels comfortable with it. Until then, I will continue ignoring the person. He had already gotten everything he wanted. Story ends there I suppose.

Just had to get these out of my thoughts. He was special, in a purely platonic way. And this, is not easy. But I'm taking C's advice, acceptance is key. All I need is time, and guess what, I got a handful right now.

It's not easy to lose a friend, and even less to let go of the friendship, but it can be done. I am not being emotional here, it just is true. I'm happy (depressed sometimes, but that's me) and obviously he is too. I'm not getting in the way of that.

I need a bestfriend. Anyone?

(Typed under the influence of Tita V so forgive me. Eyelids are weighing down. Can't double check. Goodbye for now.)

I was going to post something, and then I got wasted.

Doubts

Just when you think you have made the right decision, something tells you that maybe you should take a good second look.

Trying.

I'm stuck again. Which if based solely on past experiences, the only chance of getting out is by getting a full-time job. A full-time job where I'll last a few weeks or maybe even months before I burn out and quit. Story of my life.

But.

I'm thinking of trying something different this time. Problem is, I no longer have the will, confidence, and self-esteem for it. I lost all that during to the unfortunate event that is called the year 2011.

So, by next week I will get a full-time job, any full-time job. And then whatevs. I'm not exactly in the generous mood of giving the universe even the slightest fuck. Just not worth it. Oh, goody.

Sistema.

Unang PMS ng taon, bring it on.

Doing my best to control my mood swings. Hormones are on a rampage.  They want to go on a mass killing spree.

Try not to piss me off.

Blah

Blah = my life

2011

Patawarin nawa, pero ngayon ko lang talaga na-realize na ang ultimate song of 2011 ko ay Rolling in the Deep. Pak!

Last Week of December Ever

Learned that a gay friend, Martin, just moved in near C's place. Met up with him. Then decided to crash a house party, which was apparently a pool party we weren't prepared for. Got crazy drunk. We were literally forced to drink from the bottle straight up without chaser. Fun people. Fun, wild, virgin, and hella rich people.

After getting drunk.

We decided to tag along with Martin to a gay club in a gimik spot located in Ortigas. It was so much fun. I was just dancing and jumping and singing. It was the most fun I've had in a while. I kept scanning the club for girls I could dance with, but no luck.

Went to the bathroom, which was outside the bar but just inside the building. On my way back to the bar I pulled the fire alarm. *RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG*

The guards were on me so when I got back to the bar I asked C for his hoodie so I could hide my face.You couldn't hear the ringing inside the bar because the music was too loud. (That place is definitely a fire hazard.) I certainly remember proudly grinning when I was telling C that I pulled the fire alarm.

Then, it was as if nothing happened. They probably turned the alarm off or something. Didn't care.

I remember complaining that I couldn't find anybody to dance with because everyone there were gay guys who weren't interested in dancing with a girl. Someone (I don't remember who) pointed out the girl in the corner, almost as if daring me to go up to her. So I asked the girl to dance. And dance away we did. She wasn't good-looking. Didn't care at the time.

Then apparently later on I demanded C that we go home. C says I puked my guts out in the cab. Then I puked some more when we got to his place. He was teasing me the next day that I have a new bestfriend--the planggana.

The girlfriend of his roommate says we got home around 6 AM and we were fighting. It went something like this:

Me: I need a locker!
C: Wait.
Me: I need a locker now!
C: Wait, I'm looking for it--wait, what?! You need a locker?!

I woke up with the worst hangover I've ever had in my life. I couldn't move. My innards felt sensitive and mushy. But my clothes have been changed and C bought me mami for breakfast. The sweetest thing. I popped a V and spent the whole day sleeping. When I woke up at night I still wasn't feeling well so I stayed in.

So, yeah, that's it. My average life. At least I got to pull a fire alarm.

Oh and, the most important thing, I know I am loved. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sometimes

I swore I'd figure this thing out before the year ends so...

Sometimes I want to ask, "Can I unfriend you?" But there seems no polite way of saying this. And can you just Eternal Sunshine someone from your life? I tried to, but to no avail.

We've been really good friends but sometimes I feel like I cannot move on with my life with you still in it. Just sometimes though. Most times I'm perfectly fine and happy.

And C is very special to me and I do not want to lose him.

Okay, still unresolved. Better luck tomorrow.

2011: One Hard F*** Y***

Yes, 2011, FUCK YOU.


1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Had a one-night stand, pulled a fire alarm of a building (for the heck of it), danced my pride away (in Cubao X, a couple of times), went into a gay club and asked a girl to dance (for the heck of it), worked with the Wardrobe Dept, got published, smoked a joint in a public place

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I do not remember having any resolutions. I haven't thought about that yet actually.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
Yes. Even sort-of babysat one of them.

4. Did anyone close to you die? 
Yes. RIP.

5. What countries did you visit? 
I don't suppose kalawakan counts, so none.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? 
What I've always wanted: a best friend. That one true, constant companion who is not the boyfriend.

7. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
I would say that the whole year has been tattooed on my forehead as the most eventful year ever but truth is, I'm bad with dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
SURVIVING. It was a tough, tough year for me.


9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to keep my mouth shut on that one big secret. (I was also bad with handling money, but telling the truth when I shouldn't be was I think the worst decision I made this year.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 
Fell down the stairs, bumped my left temple on the cab hard while drunk (still hurts), insensitivity, extreme cases of hangover, immaturity, an abnormal case of fatigue (or laziness, whatever),

11. What was the best thing you bought? 
The best suede boots in the world. I get to wear it everywhere. This completely sounds not like me--you know, obsessing over a pair of shoes, but style+practicality gets three thumbs-ups on my book. It was like custom-made for my lifestyle. I swear, okay?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? 
Mine. Yes, I'm conceited like that. And that does not deserve merit. So I'm kind of contradicting myself here.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 
Three of my best guy friends. Especially C I guess. But we're good now! Really.

14. Where did most of your money go? 
The high cost of living.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Varekai, Bamboo's new album as a solo artist (I know, I know), Niño (inspite of all the challenges), Deftones' concert too, I guess.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? 
You don't expect me to choose just one, do you? Paper Bag by Fiona Apple (for the summer), I'll Be Yours by Those Dancing Days (after summer), Do You Realize? by The Flaming Lips (that's the entire year on this one), Your Song by Ellie Goulding (sadder days), Moving Away by My Morning Jacket (obviously), that Fish Story song, Teenage Kicks by Nouvelle Vague, everything Zee Avi, and Pomplamoose and of course There's A Hole in My Pocket by J. Kap ft. Alec Roeser. Know what, I should make an entire post out of this question alone. Jeez.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 

I. happier or sadder?
Both years had been tough. I had more happier days in 2010 I think. Yes, I think so. (It's hard to answer this one because everything just looks better in retrospect.)

II. thinner or fatter?
I was fattest on the first half of 2010, thinnest on the 2nd half of 2010 and first half of 2011? Oh, the skinny bitch.

III. richer or poorer?
Richer on most days. La vie boheme!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? 
Lying? HAHAHAHA. Seriously, I think I've done enough this year. More than enough. I actually wish I'd done less. But I think I should have traveled more.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? 
A-ha! Overthinking.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? 
n/a

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? 
Fall in and out of love over and over again.

22. How many one-night stands? 
One. Maybe the last in this lifetime? You never know.

23. What was your favourite TV program? 
Weeeeell, there are days when the line between real life and sitcom becomes blurry. Ha! I love Community and The Misfits. Starting on Breaking Bad too. But I had too many fun memories watching Gossip Girl with friends.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? 
Sadly, yes.

25. What was the best book you read? 
I can't remember the title. "Drawing a Blank," was it? Or something like that.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I love Zee Avi, and Thao with the Get Down Stay Down, and Mates of State, and The Joy Formidable, and Architecture in Helsinki.


27. What did you want and get? 
I always get what I want, haven't you figured that out already? Kidding. A lot of things, to be fair. My oh my, I'm not one to count blessings, am I? Must learn to be more grateful. Now that one I think would make a great new year's resolution.

28. What did you want and not get? 
I wanted him (note the past tense) and did not get him (again, past tense.)

29. What did you not ask for but get? 
Issues. A big level up in Life Challenges' difficulty.

30. What was your favourite film of this year? 
Fish Story. Was it shown this year? Anyway, I saw it this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
Turned twenty-three. Worked. Ate a lot. The day itself was mediocre but I didn't feel bored nor pressured. Was still celebrating it by drinking two months later.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
Had I kept things to myself. The only one thing I still regret.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? 
Laid-back--ergo, I don't have money to shed on clothes so I only wear the good and comfortable ones I have.

34. What kept you sane? 
Haven't thought about this till now. My siblings, maybe? I love them to bits. And venting online. This blog? Ha. Friends, sometimes.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 
Jim Morrison always and forever. Yes, C says its weird to fancy a dead person. I've grown a huge crush with Adam Levine. I KNOOOW. I just realized it now. And that actor from The Misfits, his character's name is Nathan.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? 
EVERYTHING, of course. I still stand by my principles. Only the faces change, not the system. The case of human rights violations is appalling.


37. Who did you miss? 
A lot of people I was with during the summer. Like I said, my youth ended with the summer.


38. Who was the best new person you met?
 Sometimes I regret meeting him but at the same time we were really good friends and I couldn't have survived half the shit I was going through had it not been for him. Yes, the one-night stand guy. Although I realize now what a big mistake everything was. And if there's such thing as a wrong friendship, ours was it. On a lighter note, the production staff of Niño, I guess, and the people from Varekai. They. Are. Great.


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: 
Keep your mouth shut. And another important thing, I have a bright bourgeois hypocritical future ahead of me if I pursue the corporat shite but my principles just won't let me. And for now, I'm fine with that.


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
 "And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don' go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round" -Do You Realize?, The Flaming Lips

All I Want

I want to make peace, not to everyone, but to some. But I don't intend to push things just to "start the year right." New year superstitions will not dictate this. Timing will. And I don't think we're there yet.

I'll figure this out before the year ends. I promise.

I Feel Cheated

My friend told me how she got devirginized on Christmas Eve in what could have been just a one night stand. And compared to the only one night stand I had ever had in my life, her experience was far better. Ugh. She was taken care of. They even cuddled. While I, I did all the work. Dammit. What was wrong with me?! Oh yeah, I was on the rebound. Fuck.

Cybertron?

I want to have online friends. Uhm, how?

Oh, and

RIP to a friend. We were not exactly the "we-confess-to-each-other-our-secrets" type of friends but you were a good guy and when we would bump into each other it had always been on good times with good company and good vibes. You had always been nice to me and this loss has made me rethink a lot of things in life. A lot of people are missing you already! Rock and roll sa taas.

What is December Part 2

Going out without passing out. Getting back together. (That comforting scent of familiarity.) Seeing your bestfriends. Not seeing your other bestfriends. Finally saying "What's up?" to the other bestfriends. Drinking tea instead of beer. Actually showing up at social gatherings. Eating your heart out. Loving. A whole lotta loving.

On Living Up to Christmas

Normally, I'd be happily watching my downloads and reading long-forgotten second-hand books, but since tomorrow is Christmas Eve I feel like I need to be doing something else. I have always loved and enjoyed the Holidays. I was the spoiled kid who always got her perfect ending for an entire year of being both naughty and nice.

You know what, I just feel pressured. There's nothing here.

NEGATIVE

The Scare

Somehow I feel like I should write about this just so I can finally put it out there, but on the other hand if i put it into writing, it would make it real. As if it can get any more real than this. If I write about it, it means that I accept that, indeed, it scares me. That I have to face it, and do something about it. That I have to decide -- if "it" really is there inside me, will I keep it?

In the past, I've always been decisive that if it does happen to me, I'd opt for what I think is the more sensible decision considering the circumstance, because I know that I am not ready for it, I am not stable enough for it. But now that it is actually happening, I am not so sure anymore.

But really, I should take the test first.

Iaminthatmoment

Truthfully, there are a lot of things bothering me at this very moment. But, also, I am in that moment when I need focus on the more pressing matters. Like activism.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow?

I need rest.

And I need to find out what's going on with my body. I'm either sick or pregnant. Or, okay, fine, just depressed.