Life Changes and My New Pursuit of Happiness

Okay. First. I have an interview at 9:30 AM. Yes, I should be sleeping. Whatever. Another yes, I'm serious (breeeeeeathe) with the changes I'm planning for my life. I'm going to get a job, live a normal life, be healthy, and all that sell out jazz. A romantic relationship is out of the picture but romance isn't. It's going to be Eat Pray Love Work Play. New mantra, yes. ("Eat, drink, and be merry" will always, always be part of me though.)

Second, I have three pimples on my face! First there was just one and then I thought, oooh, someone's crushing on somebody. And then there were two and I thought, oh, boy, love triangles are never good. And then there came the third, which is really small and is situated far away from the other two. Hahahahahaha! That's my complicated life relationships right there, in my face. Awkward. Yes.

Third, I think I'm being unfair to C (my X). I shouldn't be sharing my emotional baggage with him because I know that he still has feelings for me. Well I also still do for him but I really, really have decided to move on. I don't know.

Last and most importantly, my parents caught me with my weed stash. I don't know who checked my bag but they both saw it. It was like this:

Early in the A.M. in my bedroom

Mom (wakes me up): What's this?
Me (still half-asleep): Marijuana.

And that was the end of me.

Ma was cool with it. She's cool about everything. She's just worried that I could have gotten caught or arrested. But Pa, he's something else. He hasn't talked to me about it yet and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. Okay, I admit, I'm hoping the end of the world happens first.

No fuss. :)

The past few days I've been thinking incessantly about how I feel for "L". What is this, really? Is our relationship purely platonic? How much do I like him?

But tonight, I realized, IT IS NO BIG DEAL and it is not worth mulling over. I'm just going to live life as it is. I'm not closing any doors, but hey, I can't waste time thinking about something without really doing anything about it except waiting for the answers to be delivered at my doorstep. It's like staring at a wall wishing it would reveal answers to all my life problems. I've done that so many times and believe me, I'm always the one who comes up with the solutions, not the wall.

I'm just going to enjoy this, whatever this is. I don't think I'm ready to enter another romantic relationship anyway so there's really no need to know where I stand. So unnecessary. Alright. I'm good. Gray area's good.

:)

On Secret Friendships

Actually I was composing a blog post about the three boys of my life but I lost will in the midst of it. Hahaha! My three secret relationships with my bestest bestfriends, all are platonic... sometimes bordering on romantic.

So yes, I've been seeing C (My X) lately. There's that comfort in familiarity. Nobody really knows that we still talk with and see each other and we'd like to keep it at that. So yeah, this is definitely a secret.

I had been seeing HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for the past two nights.  We only see each other when his girlfriend's out of town. I don't understand why either, I'm close friends with his girl and I was the one who introduced them to each other. But, yes, that makes this kind of a secret. Anyway, we were so happy to see each other we got drunk. Bad drunk. We were a bit intimate and ended up holding hands. But, really, everything was fun and fine until I totally got wasted. I think I barfed out the window of his car and probably also in his house. And, yes, I ruined the night.

Yesterday, I invited "L" (the creature, rebound) to see a Cinemalaya film at the UPFI. He said no. This really annoyed me. He doesn't want to go out with me because he doesn't want us to be seen by others because he doesn't want people to be saying stuff about us and because he doesn't want my X to know that we still talk to each other. A secret. Yep.

Last night, I found myself in the same table as HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, my X, and HuBu's girlfriend's older brother. Oh, boy. I had to leave. Fast. Went to a friend's place.

Again, the night was ruined. I texted "L". Because that's what we do, I listen to his problems and he listens to mine. I didn't receive a reply this time around though.

Then this morning he called. He just asked how I was. How sweet! He has never called me before (we never call each other) so I really did appreciate it. It was weird though. He is so nice so I guess it's too bad that "L" and I will never happen.

Too complicated. Sometimes it gets me thinking if I should end these secret friendships. I benefit from it, I guess, but I would also love stability and normalcy. Get me?

Uhm, who?

Who's that girl? I don't know. Who was he talking to? I don't know! Hey, who was that girl your ex was flirting with? Ugh, seriously? Kthxbye.

I don't know, I don't want to know, and I don't care. Jeez. These people. He can do whatever he wants. And, hello, care to be more sensitive?

:(

I AM SO MAD. :(

And I really shouldn't be blogging. Must go to sleep now.

Will update soon. :(

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Baby Steps, Right?

I'm keeping myself busy today. I've actually got plans! I'm leaving early so I should be sleeping by now but we all know that's not going to happen. No matter what though, I AM waking up early.

Also, I've already got two job offers. Not interested in both though. Tralalalalala.

I'll get by. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? *GRIN*

Computer Clutter III: Eternal Sunshine

I deleted our private photos. No matter how much I miss you I can't go back to you. I have to give myself a chance.

Cleaning Computer Clutter Part II

Still cleaning computer clutter. While browsing through photos I saw 3/20/10.

Ha.

Remember that time when I wasn't feeling well but forced myself to go to your gig because I knew it was important to you? And after the gig you wanted me to come with you to your mini-reunion with your highschool friends? I was hesitant because I was already feeling nauseous but you said that we would just drop by to say Hi and then we could go home immediately after? But remember that that didn't happen? Remember how we stayed longer and then you eventually let me take a cab home so you could go out with them?

I should have known then.

Lost And Unfortunately Found

While I was cleaning my computer clutter, I found this, dated August 04, 2010:


Simply:
That moment when the rain fell
I held you as if hugging an unfaltering nostalgia

The familiar smell of childhood:
A feisty little girl scrambling out the door
To meet the pouring of the rain
Then suddenly pauses outside the door
Looking around
Suddenly not knowing what to do next
"Come on!," a playmate shouts
She smiles, chortles, runs over, almost stumbling

That very moment the rain fell
Your eyelids beneath my fingers
feeling it down to your lips
the rain's droplets at the edge of your mouth

The girl dancing as if to pay respects
high-pitched laughters of euphoria
oblivious to the world
just this moment, we forget,
how ugly, miserable, and dark everything is

I hold your hand
The innocence of the moment
Just lying on the same bed
Tracing the constellations of your palm
Completely different yet strangely familiar

That moment after the rain
Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes
So simple as a refracted light
Yet as fantastic as the legends told surrounding its beauty

---

And then I probably edited it because I found this, dating August 05, 2010:

Simply:

That moment when the rain fell

I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia

An exploding warmth,

A feeling of glee, a taste of bliss almost unreal

The familiar smell of childhood:

The spirited leap of a girl scrambling out the door

To meet the pounding of the rain

An abrupt pause

Suddenly uncertain what to do next

A playmate shouts her name

She grins—runs over, almost stumbling

Your eyelids beneath my fingers

Learning every crease, groove, as if it were my own

Droplets of rain at the edge of your lips

A thirst-quenching kiss

The girl dancing as if to pay respects

Shrill laughter of euphoria

Not oblivious but embracing

Not quixotic like a starry-eyed tale

But a warm touch of optimism

Amidst a perpetual drought

She lied down in the cemented path

And as I hold your hand

Capturing the innocence of the moment

Tracing the constellations of your palm

Different yet familiar

I surrender to your arms

That moment after the rain

Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes

So simple as a refracted light

Yet as fantastical as its beauty:

A spectacle twice only in a lifetime

---

If only I still have the will (and the feelings) to finish it. A poem that never will be.

And where were you when I needed you?

Funny, the circumstances,

It's Official

It's official, I've lost everything. And I, from hereon out, am a nomad. I will stay strong though. Couch-hopping, it is! For I have no other option. LOL. There's always that brighter side in things. Well, maybe not brighter, just... less dim.

I might not be able to update regularly from now on because I wouldn't always have access to internet. I don't even know where I'm going yet! I'm leaving in an hour. Yep.

I feel so sad about everything.

Such bad timing.

Will post on Monday... or tomorrow night. Ugh. T_T

X(

I cannot even explain what I'm feeling right now. Everything is so fucked uuuuuuuup. I'll try to go to sleep now before I even fuck it up more, if that's even possible.

Sandman

I want/need to go to sleep. I want/need to rest. I want/need my peace. I want/need to obliviate my own memory. Oh, pleeeeeeeease.


nonsensical blog post

Neverland

Tonight I watched Varekai for the second (and probably the last) time. We were offered the chance to watch it again before it leaves town on Sunday.

I don't even have words to describe the experience. You have to be there to know. Sure I see the show everyday; we have LCD screens backstage and in the Artistic Tent but Varekai, more than anything, is about the live experience. The feeling you get during the show and, most especially, after.

Trying to remember photographically won't do any good. It's not about playing back what you saw. It's about  reminiscing the feeling, and I'll try my best to hold on to that feeling. Because if magic feels like anything, this is it.

I'd hate for this whole Varekai experience to end but like everything else, it will. I've got four days left in my Neverland.

People.

Having felt guilty, I texted my friend that we should watch a film next week when Cinemalaya moves to UP so that I could make "bawi". He said OK, as long as I bring a "chick" with me. More than this being a sexist remark, it annoyed the wits out of me because... well, because! I invite you as a friend and then you tell me to bring you a date as a prerequisite. I mean, I did promise to help him out with his love woes but I said it I'll do it at the right time, when I'm ready. I still have my own life problems to take care of and that's just being insensitive. I get that by friendship being a social contract there is understandably an exchange of acceptance of obligations and acting out of duties to one another but I don't think a date would be an appropriate gift given the circumstances.

And I'm being extremely dramatic. It's no big deal.

Sometimes

Sometimes I want to tell you exactly what you did to me. How much you have hurt me. How you broke me. How I can never get proper sleep. I want to tell you how I get nightmares, waking up in sweat. How I can never trust anyone anymore. How I lost my friends, my self-esteem, my life, all at the same time. How I'm mending every bit of my soul one. by. one. How I try my best to step out the door but always end up crawling back in bed. How I gave my all to you, not sparing myself with anything. How it ended so badly. How my faith in love, in friendship, was shattered. How I nudge questions about you, about me. How I always long for someone to talk to but never having the guts to Buzz them. How I'm afraid. Afraid of everything, everyone. How I am now. This. How I can never tell you this. Because this, is how much I still care for you.

There's So Much to Say

I tried, really.

I was able force myself out of the house. But instead of going to CCP to watch Amok with a friend, I ended up watching Niño alone at Greenbelt. What happened was, a lot of people suddenly wanted to tag along and I, being overly stupid and emotional, wasn't really in the mood to hang around with people. The thought of having to smile all the time, answering questions and laughing at their jokes was enough to send me crawling back to my shell. Now I feel bad because I flaked on my friend. Then again, it was he who invited all those people! I wanted to see him after the screening but he didn't respond to my text. Should I say sorry or do you think it's no big deal? I'm so bad at this stuff.

In other news, Niño turned out great! Such beautiful direction. :)

I guess I really am not ready to go out there. I'm not being an escapist here. I just want to take things slow. I don't want to be caught by surprise and end up holing up again. I want to regain my trust in human relationships. I still think that not all relationships are doomed but somehow that's how I feel. I feel like I can't trust anyone although I believe that this is not true. My heart says no, no, no, be careful or prepare for a crash-and-burn but my mind says, some important people in my life (whom I love) may have left but that doesn't mean that people will keep leaving. I want to believe this. I want to believe in BFFs and growing old together. Now that's me being romantic (and being a huge Harry-Ron-Hermione friendship fan. LOL.) In reality, people come and go, and I need to get that to my head. My separation issue roots itself from anecdotal history dating back to my childhood. I know I sound like I'm sick in the head, but it's actually perfectly normal to have separation issues as it is to have dependency issues.

2011, I HATE YOU.

Hello, world. I am ready for you.

Yesterday I watched HP 7.2 with my family. Pierced through my wallet but it was worth it. I'd watch it again, given the chance.

Today I'm watching either Amok at the CCP or Niño at Greenbelt 3.

See? Baby steps, darling, baby steps. :)

Tonight, no, I don't miss you.

Tonight was crazy fun! Imagine the Varekai people on jeepneys, escorted by 20 Hell's Angels (on big-ass bikes, of course) all the way to Handlebar from The Manila Hotel. Now that's a grand entrance.

With Varekai, I'm always exhausted on Sundays but it has also always been worth it.