Life Changes and My New Pursuit of Happiness

Okay. First. I have an interview at 9:30 AM. Yes, I should be sleeping. Whatever. Another yes, I'm serious (breeeeeeathe) with the changes I'm planning for my life. I'm going to get a job, live a normal life, be healthy, and all that sell out jazz. A romantic relationship is out of the picture but romance isn't. It's going to be Eat Pray Love Work Play. New mantra, yes. ("Eat, drink, and be merry" will always, always be part of me though.)

Second, I have three pimples on my face! First there was just one and then I thought, oooh, someone's crushing on somebody. And then there were two and I thought, oh, boy, love triangles are never good. And then there came the third, which is really small and is situated far away from the other two. Hahahahahaha! That's my complicated life relationships right there, in my face. Awkward. Yes.

Third, I think I'm being unfair to C (my X). I shouldn't be sharing my emotional baggage with him because I know that he still has feelings for me. Well I also still do for him but I really, really have decided to move on. I don't know.

Last and most importantly, my parents caught me with my weed stash. I don't know who checked my bag but they both saw it. It was like this:

Early in the A.M. in my bedroom

Mom (wakes me up): What's this?
Me (still half-asleep): Marijuana.

And that was the end of me.

Ma was cool with it. She's cool about everything. She's just worried that I could have gotten caught or arrested. But Pa, he's something else. He hasn't talked to me about it yet and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. Okay, I admit, I'm hoping the end of the world happens first.

No fuss. :)

The past few days I've been thinking incessantly about how I feel for "L". What is this, really? Is our relationship purely platonic? How much do I like him?

But tonight, I realized, IT IS NO BIG DEAL and it is not worth mulling over. I'm just going to live life as it is. I'm not closing any doors, but hey, I can't waste time thinking about something without really doing anything about it except waiting for the answers to be delivered at my doorstep. It's like staring at a wall wishing it would reveal answers to all my life problems. I've done that so many times and believe me, I'm always the one who comes up with the solutions, not the wall.

I'm just going to enjoy this, whatever this is. I don't think I'm ready to enter another romantic relationship anyway so there's really no need to know where I stand. So unnecessary. Alright. I'm good. Gray area's good.

:)

On Secret Friendships

Actually I was composing a blog post about the three boys of my life but I lost will in the midst of it. Hahaha! My three secret relationships with my bestest bestfriends, all are platonic... sometimes bordering on romantic.

So yes, I've been seeing C (My X) lately. There's that comfort in familiarity. Nobody really knows that we still talk with and see each other and we'd like to keep it at that. So yeah, this is definitely a secret.

I had been seeing HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for the past two nights.  We only see each other when his girlfriend's out of town. I don't understand why either, I'm close friends with his girl and I was the one who introduced them to each other. But, yes, that makes this kind of a secret. Anyway, we were so happy to see each other we got drunk. Bad drunk. We were a bit intimate and ended up holding hands. But, really, everything was fun and fine until I totally got wasted. I think I barfed out the window of his car and probably also in his house. And, yes, I ruined the night.

Yesterday, I invited "L" (the creature, rebound) to see a Cinemalaya film at the UPFI. He said no. This really annoyed me. He doesn't want to go out with me because he doesn't want us to be seen by others because he doesn't want people to be saying stuff about us and because he doesn't want my X to know that we still talk to each other. A secret. Yep.

Last night, I found myself in the same table as HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, my X, and HuBu's girlfriend's older brother. Oh, boy. I had to leave. Fast. Went to a friend's place.

Again, the night was ruined. I texted "L". Because that's what we do, I listen to his problems and he listens to mine. I didn't receive a reply this time around though.

Then this morning he called. He just asked how I was. How sweet! He has never called me before (we never call each other) so I really did appreciate it. It was weird though. He is so nice so I guess it's too bad that "L" and I will never happen.

Too complicated. Sometimes it gets me thinking if I should end these secret friendships. I benefit from it, I guess, but I would also love stability and normalcy. Get me?

Uhm, who?

Who's that girl? I don't know. Who was he talking to? I don't know! Hey, who was that girl your ex was flirting with? Ugh, seriously? Kthxbye.

I don't know, I don't want to know, and I don't care. Jeez. These people. He can do whatever he wants. And, hello, care to be more sensitive?

:(

I AM SO MAD. :(

And I really shouldn't be blogging. Must go to sleep now.

Will update soon. :(

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Baby Steps, Right?

I'm keeping myself busy today. I've actually got plans! I'm leaving early so I should be sleeping by now but we all know that's not going to happen. No matter what though, I AM waking up early.

Also, I've already got two job offers. Not interested in both though. Tralalalalala.

I'll get by. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? *GRIN*

Computer Clutter III: Eternal Sunshine

I deleted our private photos. No matter how much I miss you I can't go back to you. I have to give myself a chance.

Cleaning Computer Clutter Part II

Still cleaning computer clutter. While browsing through photos I saw 3/20/10.

Ha.

Remember that time when I wasn't feeling well but forced myself to go to your gig because I knew it was important to you? And after the gig you wanted me to come with you to your mini-reunion with your highschool friends? I was hesitant because I was already feeling nauseous but you said that we would just drop by to say Hi and then we could go home immediately after? But remember that that didn't happen? Remember how we stayed longer and then you eventually let me take a cab home so you could go out with them?

I should have known then.

Lost And Unfortunately Found

While I was cleaning my computer clutter, I found this, dated August 04, 2010:


Simply:
That moment when the rain fell
I held you as if hugging an unfaltering nostalgia

The familiar smell of childhood:
A feisty little girl scrambling out the door
To meet the pouring of the rain
Then suddenly pauses outside the door
Looking around
Suddenly not knowing what to do next
"Come on!," a playmate shouts
She smiles, chortles, runs over, almost stumbling

That very moment the rain fell
Your eyelids beneath my fingers
feeling it down to your lips
the rain's droplets at the edge of your mouth

The girl dancing as if to pay respects
high-pitched laughters of euphoria
oblivious to the world
just this moment, we forget,
how ugly, miserable, and dark everything is

I hold your hand
The innocence of the moment
Just lying on the same bed
Tracing the constellations of your palm
Completely different yet strangely familiar

That moment after the rain
Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes
So simple as a refracted light
Yet as fantastic as the legends told surrounding its beauty

---

And then I probably edited it because I found this, dating August 05, 2010:

Simply:

That moment when the rain fell

I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia

An exploding warmth,

A feeling of glee, a taste of bliss almost unreal

The familiar smell of childhood:

The spirited leap of a girl scrambling out the door

To meet the pounding of the rain

An abrupt pause

Suddenly uncertain what to do next

A playmate shouts her name

She grins—runs over, almost stumbling

Your eyelids beneath my fingers

Learning every crease, groove, as if it were my own

Droplets of rain at the edge of your lips

A thirst-quenching kiss

The girl dancing as if to pay respects

Shrill laughter of euphoria

Not oblivious but embracing

Not quixotic like a starry-eyed tale

But a warm touch of optimism

Amidst a perpetual drought

She lied down in the cemented path

And as I hold your hand

Capturing the innocence of the moment

Tracing the constellations of your palm

Different yet familiar

I surrender to your arms

That moment after the rain

Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes

So simple as a refracted light

Yet as fantastical as its beauty:

A spectacle twice only in a lifetime

---

If only I still have the will (and the feelings) to finish it. A poem that never will be.

And where were you when I needed you?

Funny, the circumstances,

It's Official

It's official, I've lost everything. And I, from hereon out, am a nomad. I will stay strong though. Couch-hopping, it is! For I have no other option. LOL. There's always that brighter side in things. Well, maybe not brighter, just... less dim.

I might not be able to update regularly from now on because I wouldn't always have access to internet. I don't even know where I'm going yet! I'm leaving in an hour. Yep.

I feel so sad about everything.

Such bad timing.

Will post on Monday... or tomorrow night. Ugh. T_T

X(

I cannot even explain what I'm feeling right now. Everything is so fucked uuuuuuuup. I'll try to go to sleep now before I even fuck it up more, if that's even possible.

Sandman

I want/need to go to sleep. I want/need to rest. I want/need my peace. I want/need to obliviate my own memory. Oh, pleeeeeeeease.


nonsensical blog post

Neverland

Tonight I watched Varekai for the second (and probably the last) time. We were offered the chance to watch it again before it leaves town on Sunday.

I don't even have words to describe the experience. You have to be there to know. Sure I see the show everyday; we have LCD screens backstage and in the Artistic Tent but Varekai, more than anything, is about the live experience. The feeling you get during the show and, most especially, after.

Trying to remember photographically won't do any good. It's not about playing back what you saw. It's about  reminiscing the feeling, and I'll try my best to hold on to that feeling. Because if magic feels like anything, this is it.

I'd hate for this whole Varekai experience to end but like everything else, it will. I've got four days left in my Neverland.

People.

Having felt guilty, I texted my friend that we should watch a film next week when Cinemalaya moves to UP so that I could make "bawi". He said OK, as long as I bring a "chick" with me. More than this being a sexist remark, it annoyed the wits out of me because... well, because! I invite you as a friend and then you tell me to bring you a date as a prerequisite. I mean, I did promise to help him out with his love woes but I said it I'll do it at the right time, when I'm ready. I still have my own life problems to take care of and that's just being insensitive. I get that by friendship being a social contract there is understandably an exchange of acceptance of obligations and acting out of duties to one another but I don't think a date would be an appropriate gift given the circumstances.

And I'm being extremely dramatic. It's no big deal.

Sometimes

Sometimes I want to tell you exactly what you did to me. How much you have hurt me. How you broke me. How I can never get proper sleep. I want to tell you how I get nightmares, waking up in sweat. How I can never trust anyone anymore. How I lost my friends, my self-esteem, my life, all at the same time. How I'm mending every bit of my soul one. by. one. How I try my best to step out the door but always end up crawling back in bed. How I gave my all to you, not sparing myself with anything. How it ended so badly. How my faith in love, in friendship, was shattered. How I nudge questions about you, about me. How I always long for someone to talk to but never having the guts to Buzz them. How I'm afraid. Afraid of everything, everyone. How I am now. This. How I can never tell you this. Because this, is how much I still care for you.

There's So Much to Say

I tried, really.

I was able force myself out of the house. But instead of going to CCP to watch Amok with a friend, I ended up watching Niño alone at Greenbelt. What happened was, a lot of people suddenly wanted to tag along and I, being overly stupid and emotional, wasn't really in the mood to hang around with people. The thought of having to smile all the time, answering questions and laughing at their jokes was enough to send me crawling back to my shell. Now I feel bad because I flaked on my friend. Then again, it was he who invited all those people! I wanted to see him after the screening but he didn't respond to my text. Should I say sorry or do you think it's no big deal? I'm so bad at this stuff.

In other news, Niño turned out great! Such beautiful direction. :)

I guess I really am not ready to go out there. I'm not being an escapist here. I just want to take things slow. I don't want to be caught by surprise and end up holing up again. I want to regain my trust in human relationships. I still think that not all relationships are doomed but somehow that's how I feel. I feel like I can't trust anyone although I believe that this is not true. My heart says no, no, no, be careful or prepare for a crash-and-burn but my mind says, some important people in my life (whom I love) may have left but that doesn't mean that people will keep leaving. I want to believe this. I want to believe in BFFs and growing old together. Now that's me being romantic (and being a huge Harry-Ron-Hermione friendship fan. LOL.) In reality, people come and go, and I need to get that to my head. My separation issue roots itself from anecdotal history dating back to my childhood. I know I sound like I'm sick in the head, but it's actually perfectly normal to have separation issues as it is to have dependency issues.

2011, I HATE YOU.

Hello, world. I am ready for you.

Yesterday I watched HP 7.2 with my family. Pierced through my wallet but it was worth it. I'd watch it again, given the chance.

Today I'm watching either Amok at the CCP or Niño at Greenbelt 3.

See? Baby steps, darling, baby steps. :)

Tonight, no, I don't miss you.

Tonight was crazy fun! Imagine the Varekai people on jeepneys, escorted by 20 Hell's Angels (on big-ass bikes, of course) all the way to Handlebar from The Manila Hotel. Now that's a grand entrance.

With Varekai, I'm always exhausted on Sundays but it has also always been worth it.

Back to Square One

I don't think I'll be able to live up to my goal of going out on Sunday. I'm too down. All because of a wee chat convo the other night. Grrrrrrrreat.

It Has to be Said.

Comparing what you feel/felt for/with me to what you feel/felt for/with her, not cool.

I'm Not Calling You a Liar

There are days when I wish that I was a better liar. White lies are fine sometimes--rarely--but I tell it so bad. My truthfulness has placed me in a lot of inconvenient scenarios, to say the least. Times when I can't tell the truth, I keep my mouth shut. Though moments come when I feel compelled to lie and they just come out of my mouth, but I eventually tell the truth anyway, given the chance, so I still inevitably meet my inconvenient fate.

But when I think of people who lie and people who are worse, everything turns around. I forget this pointless aspiration of mine of becoming a professional liar. Liars are pretentious and pretentious people are liars. Even people who pretend to like you are liars, even the ones who tell you stories about the people they hate are liars. Hey, a little twist of the story here and there makes it sound better. Makes the storyteller receive more empathy. When one is very emotional, sometimes s/he can't control what comes out of  his/her mouth or his/her thoughts. Okay, I get that, I can live with that. Still, I'd rather be objective and careful when talking to other people about other people. That's why I have this blog anyway, for the emotional stuff.

So, clearly, there are people who I may not hate but I would never envy nor ever want to be like.

A:

I've got nothing to prove nor explain to you, Your Fatness. I am a good person and do not usually do this (write cyberly about a hater) but I just have to let this out of my system. Hate me all you want, but everybody knows, I never did anything even close to remotely hurt you. I can be a snob (I'm sure I was never to you) but I always have good intentions and never speak ill of anybody if only for that reason. You will stay on my ignore list until that day I decide what to do with you. Be grateful. Cheers.

(Saved this in Drafts on 1/8/11. My feelings and opinion of you still remain.)

B:

No, you don't have everything. Pretending that you do makes me want to BE TRUTHFUL to everyone and tell them what your life is really like. Bad-mouthing me doesn't make you a better person either. Don't think you are reformed. You have done far worse things than I--dirty, disgusting things I would never dream of doing. To makes mistakes and to do bad things intentionally are two entirely different things.

C:

Know what? You're of no help. Keep your mouth shut. Sew it up if needed. It's this simple: I know what you did last summer.

D:

To the storytellers. It's none of my business. They're your friends. Of course they'll sympathize. But I just want to say that I feel bad and  you have probably also hurt other people by telling what you feel about them to other people. So, it's your thing. Whatever.

E:

To the friends. I don't hate you. Not at all. I was happy, so happy to have lived you. You are not liars either. But I had to leave. I need my peace.

---

It doesn't end here.

Life Plan

Varekai is ending on the 24th and I seem to still not find the will to look for a new job. What I want really is to have a vacation after this gig, but I also need to think about my sister and my brothers. Oh, life. :(

---

Why do some people have to make things complicated? Here I am, trying my best to move on (it's no easy goal) and suddenly he chats me up. Everything he says just makes things harder than they already are.

Just leave me alone. Please.

Getting The Hang of It

There are still the occasional pangs in my heart especially during night time when I get home tired and with no one to talk to but hey, I think I'll be fine. Eventually, yes.

I think I'm ready to go out now., like somewhere that is not home or work. I think I'll start on Sunday. I can do this, yeah?! Woo-hoo!

You won.

Why rub it in?

Summer Took My Youth With It

These days I really would just rather stay home and sulk. I'm glad that because of Varekai I still find the willpower to get out of the house everyday. I've also started reading again, even when I'm just traveling on my way to and from work. I wish I have an on-call friend though. I'd settle for a dog but I'm not allowed one in the house because I have a baby brother. See, I'm living with my parents again. It's a long story I'm not entirely psyched to tell at the moment. Yes, it has got to do with C. I lost my friends. Maybe partly it was of my own choosing. Maybe I didn't have to lose them. I am just so tiiiiiiired. I've been carrying the people around me for a very long time. It's about time I take care of myself. So, my job is all I have now and it too will be gone in two weeks' time. I don't know what's going to happen to me when that moment comes. I don't want to think about it yet. I just want to rest my soul from all the vexations. Sabeeeeeeeeehhh?!

:(

Grabe lang 'yung walang panahong mag-blog. Sa Monday, promise.

Kasalanan Ko Kung Bakit Ako Ganito Kalungkot Ngayon

New Book

I bought a new book yesterday (my day off). A circus novel aimed to young adult readers. As if I have time to read.

Seriously Rethinking

my decisions.

I'm not sure if I really want to work two jobs anymore. Although I want to try how far I can go, I think it would be a waste of time and money if I just end up quitting at the end of the week. There are other jobs out there I can try getting into after Cirque.

Plus I need a lot of time by myself.

By taking this job, it is:

Monday: Errands
Tuesday to Friday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1900 to 0000 - Cirque
Saturday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1500 to 0000 - Cirque
Sunday: 1230 to 2130 - Cirque

But I want to:

* Heal - yoga, meditation
* Learn - dressmaking, DIYs, drawing
* Travel (and get cultured) - within Metro Manila in the meantime, like Chinatown and Hindu temple; go backpacking in the future

See my work schedule? Including travel time (with no traffic) I can get 5 hours sleep MAX from Mondays to Fridays, and no sleep at all on Saturdays.

I want to spend more time with myself but I think I need more money, plus I need the writing job experience and I would NEVER quit Cirque. I don't know.

Broken.

I am.

Dying

Di ko na kaya.

Ang hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap.

Magpanggap at tumakas.

Lagari

Starting next week I'll be working two jobs. O_O

Boo and Yey

BOO

I was late for work today. I disappoint myself. :(

YEY

Tonight's show was rockin'! Everybody's back in good health! Nobody was absent and everybody was in the groove! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. The audience went wild! Good show, good show. :)

Day Off!

The circus has been awesome, wonderful, fantastic. We're taking the day off because there's no show today. I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow though!

So last week, I learned so much that my head was spinning in circles. I had to learn the Big Track. What to do exactly at certain cues before, during, and after the show.

Last Thursday was crazy. I had to walk in, through, and out the flood just to get to work. I left for work before 5 PM and I arrived at 9. CRAZY.

I LOVE CDS!

La la la la...

I got C a compli ticket for the Varekai show tonight. :)

I haven't drank, smoked, or taken any drug since I got into the Cirque. Lovelay. :)

Pottermore

I just hope I'm home when this happens.

Tomorrow: Cirque du Soleil

Or today.

E, I'm so excited I can't sleep (plus I'm also hungry).

See, I'm a big fan of Cirque du Soleil (and Cirque du Freak, and anything Cirque, really) so just imagine my disappointment when I learned that they're coming to Manila! I was disappointed because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford the tickets and there wasn't enough time to raise 10, 500 pesos. Life's tough, okay? But when there's SO much will, there are ways.

Like getting a job at the Cirque perhaps?

So yes, I am the new resident wardrobe assistant slash circus chimay and I couldn't be happier with the job. Can you believe? It's like "Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant" except that I'm the Wardrobe Assistant. Get it? Hahahahahahahahaha. Ha.

Anyway, their tent is HUGE and appears even more so inside. And when Larry Edwards, the wardrobe master uttered "Welcome." my knees literally shook from excitement. Since it's my first day I didn't have regular tasks so I was just given chores to show me around and to familiarize myself with the work places. Chores like ironing fairy skirts, fixing headdresses, polishing musicians' boots, washing white velvet shoes, and cleaning hawk-like headgears aren't really that bad. They are actually AWESOME chores, if you must know. But on the real show, on the 22nd, I actually will have a cooler job. He-he.

So like I said, later, I am not coming in to work. I am coming in at 7 PM to watch the show at 7:30 PM. Be jealous. Be very jealous.

Maybe there really is a Santa Claus and maybe this is an early Christmas gift to make up for the Christmas 2012 that isn't happening anymore because the world is ending on 12/23/12 and maybe, you know, just maybe I have been naughty but I'm still also really nice. SABEEEEEEH?!

Vareika!

I was just at Wonderland. Cirque du Soleil is amazing, amazing, AMAZING. Tomorrow I don't have to work on anything, I just have to watch the show (dress rehearsal/media night) because our wardrobe master says that we have to watch it so that we know what we're working on. Aren't they the best?!

Really, which would you choose, your dream job or a high-paying regular steady job?

DREAM JOB FTEW!

Linggong Maulan II

I'm bored. Or I just miss my housemates. I miss having ungodly people to talk to at this ungodly hour.

4:10PM

Alas-kwatro na pala! Ayoko pang lumabas ng bahay at umuwing bahay. At gutom na 'ko.

Linggong Maulan

Kanina pa dapat ako nakaalis ng bahay kaso. Linggo. Tsaka maulan.

I AM BACK

Because there is no point in hiding and I am, in a way, attached to this blog which nobody reads. I think that's the beauty of it, of this. I know that nobody reads this but maybe, just maybe, someone will stumble upon this and get a piece of my thoughts. Nobody writes for themselves. We know that when we write something, we expect someone, someday to read it.

i am stoned

seriously.

i have decided. no matter how much it would hurt. i needed to choose. and i did.

it will probably cost me a couple of months of heartache but it will be worth it. sure it will.

you will always always have that special crazy place in my heart.

but enough.

Kung bigla na lang kayo akong bumitaw?

The Buck Stops Here

Stop asking me questions. To say that you wouldn't like the answers would be an underestimation. You would hate what you'll learn and you will hate me.

I can't tell you because you'll start being paranoid again and stop me from seeing my guy friends and I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

Should I tell you? Make or break.

Now Private

I had to make this blog private because C discovered it. Bummer.

Why do I get so excited whenever we talk?

Last Night

I forogt to mention that last night was my-heart-kicking-like-a-drum-slash-this-is-endorphins-overload night. Almost all of my major crushes were there last night. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I'm like a giddy effin schoolgirl. I. Must. Stop. Myself. Like my friend "Nemo" said, I don'y need any "excitement" right now.

June

Summer's over, the dog days should also be by now. Instead, I'm sitting here in front of my laptop at my X's house. Yep, you read that right. It's mad out there, I tell you! Mad!

You must know that I currently have three guy bestfriends in my life. First is my X, enough said. Then HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, we used to be solid, tight, inseparable. He's the craziest of the three. Third is this guy, whom we can call "L", we've only known each other for a few months but we've become really good friends we're almost girlfriends.

Remember that time when I disappeared from the face of the Earth and I was staying at a friend's house getting wasted all week? Well, last week we were supposed to go back to that flat.HuBu invited me. I didn't go. Then the next day there was this event that I was supposed to go to, I didn't go either. After that I went out of town for two days. I was supposed to attend a friend's exhibit the night I got back to the city. Guess what? Yep, missed out again.

Then came Sunday. This guy friend, L, the "forbidden breathtaking creature" from the previous posts, invited me out for coffee. He needed someone to talk with about his love problems. I just couldn't say no to heartbroken friends. Glad I could help. Nevermind that we have a past, right? We planned stuff on how he could fix things between him and his GF. It was a good friendly date. The next morning, he texted me that his girlfriend broke up with him. Just what the fuck, RIGHT?! Here I go again, Break-Up Patrol Ranger to the rescue! Oh, boy.

Then last night I went to this event, the aforementioned guy friend was supposed to go with me but he had a shoot so... 

AND THEN, Hubu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was suddenly texting me that he's having problems with his girlfriend so he was going to be late. He went to the event nonetheless. We sparked a joint in his car, talked a little, but not heart-to-heart enough. A little later on in the night, he just disappeared! French exited with some friends. I don't know but I think that's just ungrateful. Nobody should treat their friends like that. (Ehem, note to self?) I'm putting him on my BV list. The end. The end?

Of course not, silly. When I got home HuBu's girlfriend IMed me. Asking about this certain girl. Uh-oh. Everything was just crazy from that point on, she started pouring her feelings and I, I couldn't even say a damn thing because HuBu's my friend and I am stuck between the two of them! I hate HuBu iright now but I'm not wrecking a home. Homewrecking might be a bit of an exaggeration but you get me, Imma stay out of this one.

Just when I thought my lovelife's fucked up.

Hiatus

So. Tomorrow, I'm gonna be on a roadtrip to the beach with my family. I am so excited I cannot sleep. Feels like the day before a school field trip when I was in grade school.

Yes, this is it. Self-reflection and shiz. Something good should--must come out of this.

Oh, joy and happiness. Thank you, life, for this. Imma be updatin through Twitter.

Hatin' Season

To diss and to be mean, it's what I do best. I am at my funniest when I'm hatin'.

Napakalungkot kong tao.

Miss out ako dahil wala akong pera. Hadlang ang ekonomiya sa lahat ng bagay sa mundo! Wooooooooo! But I wanna go out! Four days na 'kong nagkukulong sa bahay. Hellooooo?

I Think I'm Gonna Barf

HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named just called. He wants me to go there. In his house. Just what the fuck am I really?

Tweet tweet

Follow me?

Summer 2011: To fall in and out of love again and again.

Have you ever walked outside in broad daylight with a joint between your fingers? I have. Nobody gives a fuck, really. Nobody's going to spend a minute of their precious time to tell you off or call the authorities or do something--anything--about it. It's just a joint man. I can just imagine a world where everybody can do their morning walks while smoking a spliff. That would be a really wonderful morning.

***
I fell out of love with someone. And fell in love with another. Fell out of love with another. And fell in love with someone. And now I'm just confused.

***
I have a new favortie movie--Fish Story. I like anything cathartic, and I can say that Fish Story is the embodiment of catharsis. It doesn't leave you all confused and with a bad headache. It tells and ends a good story well. It leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling inside and it stays there for a long time. I didn't really know what it was about before I watched it, I thought it was a rockumentary of some Japanese punk band from the 70s but it was really more; it was sci-fi and music and comedy and romance and everything else. It's 114 minutes long and I have already watched it three times. The last time was when we were counting down to the day of "rapture." Just perfect.

***
I get high with a little help from my friends.

***
I spent last Friday as a Break-Up Patrol Ranger. Rapture countdown with a heartbroken girlfriend and a few friends coming and going. They cleaned C's apartment then we watched the best feel-good movies reserved for the day before the end of the world -- Easy A and Fish Story (which actually falls under the End-of-the-World film genre). We had hotdogs, cocktails, noodles, and beer. And of course weed. Duh.

The next day I went to a graduation party of a friend. Played Puerto Rico, killer-killer, that question game, and sang at the Karaoke. Spent the night there. Went to the mall the next day with my housemates. Went home and fell down the stairs. Hooray.

So today, I am stuck at home with an injured left foot.

THE Week of My Summer 2011

I always have this kind of days every summer, when I just lose control and you-know-whatelse's.

So, it was my housemate's birthday last week and of course we gave her a surprise party on our rooftop, food, drinking games, and all. It was 90s themed and it was WILD. Good wild, y'know. Everybody was just happy and dancing and drunk and I just French exited. Just like that.

Immediately after I went out, I texted my girl bestie and my gay bestie (who are also my housemates) that I went out and that I would be back. Apparently, nobody received/read it so they just panicked because I had gone missing. In truth, I was with two guy friends. It was a wholesome thing, don't worry. Slept over, dropped, smoked and drank. But the Vs got the better of us and we ended up not finishing our second bottle of Grande (beer). Dropped almost as good as dead but just really fucking slept like babies. There were hugs, and a feel here and there. But obviously, it was nothing. Wouldn't be blabbing about it if it was something. Bleagh.

Went to guy-who-used-to-be-a-bestie-now-a-HuBu's house. Stayed a bit. Boys played NBA2K. And me, I just stayed. I was too high to notice that they were boring the amats out of me anyway.

HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named went out to meet with the girlfriend. Left us three. We went out immediately after anyway. Rode a taxi to a friend's flat. Someone I hadn't seen for a very long time. She now has a baby. Father's a "royal blood", if you know what I mean, high up above the socio-cultural-economic ladder. So yeah, they're separated.

We stayed at the place getting high, getting drunk, and just enjoying ourselves to the moon and back rocking each other's socks. And of course taking care of the baby. Gives me goosebumps whenever I recall that creepy Trainspotting scene. Anyway, loads of fun. Went home Friday, went back to their place again Saturday. Then went home Tuesday. It got tiring. And really, afterwards, when I was starting to sober up, I realized, the whole friendship, it was all based on amats, y'know. It wasn't real, was it?

So, of course, I, the vulnerable one with low self-worth went crashing and is still crashing. Things start and end just like that. Just sad how people can just take other people for granted and not realize it and still be happy together anyway. I wish I could just enjoy it. Being young and being able to do these things. Because it really is (or was), honestly, fun, awesome, great, spectacular even!

So I used to not know what I want, but at least I knew what I didn't want. Now I'm clueless.

(Typed this with at least 100 WPM straight up, no chaser! Crazy.)

Little Blue Pill

Little blue pill made me do things I have long forgotten
Cut my self through and numb myself sick
It's cool, they'll say, it's chill
But it made me think dark thoughts
Made me want to do dark things
Or do things in the dark

And now the blue little pill making its way out of my system
is
leaving
victorious.

Sobriety

Easy D

Told me I'm easy

Well I am

Like a Sunday morning

Fucked four my whole life

And you think it's forty

Drink beer, take this, take that

And you think I'm game

Wear a short skirt
And you put a palm on my leg

Feeling it upwards

It's all good, man, I'm no hypocrite

We all need the warmth

But you can't
(to both our frustration)

get into my skirt

We sit side-by-side in the cab

And little by little you sit closer
Whispering to my ears, hitting on me

Then you put your hand over mine

But I give no response

I don't hold hands

I may tease, I may please

I'll make you sweat and plead

You want a ride

I'll give you a fucking rollercoaster

You want some heat

We'll burn this house to the core

Though I suggest

You, run, now

I'm a monster unleashed

fuck love. fuck life. fuck everyone.

Choose this.

Masama ba 'kong tao?

Siguro nga. La Vie Boheme na ba?

flowwwwts

ayoko lang munang mag-isip. gusto kong lumutang lang ng lumutang habang nagsa-soundtrip. tapos may kausap lang na kabigan sa chat. wag sa personal, ang hirap e.

tangina. ano 'yun? ano 'yung nangyaring 'yun? amats lang 'yun? pukingina naman. parang di mo alam disposisyon ko ngayon e. bestfriend kita alam mo kung anong pinagdadaanan ko sabay ganon?

tapos wala lang. parang wala lang. kasalanan ko pa 'yan kung magtatanong ako o magcocomment. kelangan kalimutan lang. na parang wala lang. tanginang buhay 'to. ako na naman ang talo.

Me Gone Wilder

I have become uncontrollable.

Hubu

Hubu (hoo-boo) n. hug buddy

Gera

Bakit kaya tuwing summer napapagera ako?

Ugh, tabla beach!

Tonight, I write.

For I have nothing else to do. The part where you are lying down on your bed staring at the screen for he has just left after spending an entire day with you. The time when you have no one to talk to inspite having five roommates. The night when you wish you're home with your family and baby brothers. That short period when you feel like you have no one.

I am lonely. :(

Please.

Enough! (Para!)
Older brother, by the side. (Kuya, sa tabi lang.)

You already. (Ikaw na.)

for that bittersweet forbidden breathtaking creature

funny how you make me nervous about this

and sometimes about other things

like will he laugh or is this too much or will he like it

crazy how i think about how you smell like a place i've always dreamt of going to

but wouldn't know because i haven't yet

and yet you feel like something i have been in the past

like that tireswing two blocks away

i wish my eyes had a camera

so i wouldn't have to always give you a second look

or a third

and read you like a favorite chapter of the book

again and again

and see the layers, and discover new things

everytime i do

figuring out the surface

and getting amazed by the depth

and i'll take you places

literally and not so

and tell you things

i wouldn't dare let you know
know your favorite song, learn it and sing it
know your favorite film, watch it, memorize it, re-enact it
know you and your desires
may it be wordly may it be romantic
may it be idealist
like spend a day inside your brain
see what you follow what you crave
which revels you

and i don't know if i should say this

at this time

and by this

but heck, i'm the one writing

for your information

you. drive me wild. man.

i would like to know which words you use the most
put them in a little black notebook
so i would never forget

discover the known and the unknown
take what i can get

RB

Rebound pa? But it hurts too much to do it. Emotionally I mean.

Awake Still

I hate you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall! Angst kung angst but fact remains, I hate you aaaaaaaaaaaaaall!

Lately, all I do is Tweet. Baka makatsamba lang ng makakabasa.

erase and rewind

i thought i was ready for the reconciliation until i realized that you haven't changed one bit

Comfortable Silence

Sitting/lying down/lying on the stomach with two girlfriends. No talking but company's all I need.

HOT

I'm supposed to attend a meeting 45 minutes from now but, hell, read: Hangover. I'm not sure about this gig thing. Because: no pay. Never dreamt of becoming a starving artist, if you must know.

The weather's too hot I'm hallucinating.

4/21

Tangina n'yong lahat sige mag-beach kayo. Eww. Hahahahaha.

Sunday on a Wednesday

Today's going to be a wonderful day. Still nervous about the play rehearsal but whatevs! So muuuuch to look forward to. Ah. :)

Where Is My Mind?

Today I had to rush home and then rush back to QC. I'm doing wardrobe (again), this time it's for a play. It feels weird and different and new. But new is good, right?

I am forcing myself to get back on track. To choose "life" (in the most normative sense of the word), once and for all. Or maybe just for now, you know, and then get back to making La Vie Bohemme the soundtrack of mi life.

I do miss some things. Some friends. Which/who are no longer available. My options were few. Now they're down to almost none.

What's The Story, Morning Glory?

I am trying to be composed and civil with all these. We're friends. Friends, friends, friends. Nothing more. :|

I have to head to my rents' house RIGHT NOW 'cause my father (ugh) needs files from this friggin' laptop.

I seriously want to barf. Good morning!

Nail-biting

I am angsty, I am feisty
I cuss, I shout
I am mean, I am stubborn
I am all of these and more

I nail-bite when I'm thinking
when I'm confused
when I'm nervous

When I'm in a car
I always sit indian-style, I
look out the window
and sing out loud

When at a party
I am timid, I am shy
I am the wallflower
I say "Hi."
Uhm, awkward

Unless
I am high
as fuck
take note: as fuck

I am random, spontaneous
Difficult, complicated
But I
hate surprises

And I think, I think too much.

I Think

Lollipops, cigarettes, music

Good as they sound

But hurts as it feels

Attempt 2

He offered to buy me a drink for a favor I did. I said, no, it's nothing, charge it to friendship. He laughed and said thanks a bunch. He told me he misses his girlfriend. I said, distance can be good sometimes, it heightens the craving. He laughs and says nothing.

And I, am pathetic.

So, what happened really?

I was vulnerable--heart-broken, crushed, in a i-wish-the-world-would-end-right-now sort of mindset--you know the works. And suddenly, poof, he started giving attention. His charming scorching hot self tempting me with his charming, scorching hot self. We chat and we text all day and all night, never running out of things to talk about. Sexy things, even.

So. One weekend. It happened. It was new, awkward, bittersweet and I guess, quite awesome.

And the days that follow were a mess. Suddenly I'm back to being the nobody. The friend. No. The good friend. Hence, the angst (i.e. this).

So. I have decided. I'm staying away from you.

Attempt.

Get drunk. Get sober. Get high. Go crash. When all you really want is stay in your room and do things (like this.)

High like/as the moon

I need to get out of this poverty. How is the question.

It's always heartbreaking when the friends you badly need/want to see and talk to are not there/available (for you). Like no matter what your FB friend count tells you, reality is, your options are few. 

YOU.

THIS is the last I'm writing about you and--deities help me--the last moment I'll waste thinking about you. It was one weekend. One bittersweet forbidden breathtaking weekend. And, know what, I don't regret it one bit. But why, you wonder, do I suffer? Simple. I WANT YOU.

Now, ENOUGH. Done. Over. From here on out, you are Eternal Sunshined.

Rekindle

Just what was that? You've been cold and distant for days and without warning you show up with that boyish charm. That's just unfair.

Black Hole a.k.a my room

I've been holing up for days now. I'm forcing myself to go out tonight.

Yes, I've been a bad, bad girl

Ooooooooh, boy.

Tonight

I've got a lot of stories with me. Ones I would keep and never tell. Ones I wish I could forget. Ones I know I'll never get over with.

Facebook Official

There will come a time when we will be telling our grandchildren how our lives were ruined when our boyfriend/girlfriend Facebook Official-ed the break-up.

I Need A Ge-ge-getaway

1. C and I are over

2. I am in lust with someone else. Nothing to do with the break-up though, this realization came afterwards. A rebound? Not impossible.

3. Shoot is over. I've been in hibernation for the last 2 nights and will do the same tonight.

4. No money. Art does not pay well.

5. I need a serious drink.

Vertigo
Anne Stevenson

Mind led body
to the edge of the precipice.
They stared in desire
at the naked abyss.
If you love me, said mind,
take that step into silence.
If you love me, said body,
turn and exist.

O____O

i am so... something. i should be preparing for the shoot tomorrow. but i have lost all motivation i have left in my system. tomorrow's going to be a disaster. boo.

Exhausted

Art should not be exhaustive but it is.

I didn't come in to work last night and decided to pass my resignation letter tonight. It isn't a long story but I prefer no to tell it here. Or not right now at least. I am currently on a shoot but even this doesn't seem to cheer me up. I'm in desperate need of a new job. Dark times.

Tonight, I just want my peace.

So nigga please.

Mondal Feels Like A Sunday

What could be better?

Woke with a UP Fair hangover after 14 hours of sleep. And now, it's me and my Bumblebee (my PC). This playlist. I'm back to my books. To social networking (LOL). I feel good even with no money. I LOVE TODAY.

Bumblebee

I can't believe I'm going through life without Bumblebee. It has been SO hard without a proper PC.

I think Imma reread The Godfather by Mario Puzo for there are times when I forget. I must not.

C just came in. Tralalala. Happy Valentine's. :|

It's that time of the year when the campus smells like freshly cut grass and you're suddenly nostalgic of a place you're not even sure you've ever been to. Love is in the FAIR. :)

Ifeelsoemptythatitrywhaticantobusymyselfandhelpevenwheniamnotneeded