Notes

I love you and I hate you. I don't know what to do with you.

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Things are becoming more difficult each day for this year. I know I'm not getting tired of whatever this is I'm doing but

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Grabe lang talaga, ang ganda ko dati, bakit ganooooon

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I need to earn money and in order to earn money, I have to use whatever skills I may have. And seeing that I don't have a degree, skills are really all I have. What I need at this moment is HUNGER, I already feel too satisfied with the year that I don't feel the need to do more. I have to stop thinking about experiences in terms of year and start thinking about my age. I am already in my late twenties and there really is no more time to go slow.

This retrograde's main theme has been procrastination. I am already two weeks late with a script, and this has never happened before. I should give more worth to the opportunities that I have. I have been working freelance for about a year now and so far it has been exhausting. But there are bills to pay so I don't really have much of a choice.

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Things are shit.

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Mercury Retrograde 2014

This has been the most powerful retrograde this year. Kinailangan ko talagang mag-step back, mag-assess. Nothing seems to be moving much. Pero ngayon ako nakapag-reflect sa mga nangyayari sa buhay, sa paligid ko. At so far, okay pa naman ako. Walang pera, pero busog ang kaluluwa.

Fuckmylife

Gago, masakit. Pero pilitin nating hindi.

Masaya naman, at least alam kong gusto pa rin n'ya 'ko. At alam kong may hawak pa rin ako sa kanya kahit papaano.

Ngayon ko lang na-realize, hindi sila magkagalit. Hindi n'ya lang mahiraman dahil na-ospital ang nanay ni babae. Bobo ko, puta.

Dapat hindi ko binigay.

Pero okay na rin, hayaan ko na lang ma-miss n'ya 'ko. Tangina. Bahala s'ya sa buhay n'ya. Wala s'yang makukuha sa 'king kahit ano. Videography n'ya mukha n'ya.

Okay. Enough.

We've been sleeping together for two nights now. The second night weird.

I tried to resist on the first night (oh heavens, I did) but to no avail. I was ridden with guilt and promised that it would never happen again.

But when he came to my house unexpectedly the next night, I couldn't contain my happiness. There he was, standing at the bed of my feet. From the moonlight coming in through the window, he seemed like an angel offering everlasting peace, or a long-yearned for apparition of a lost loved one.

"I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia." Because I did, I didn't want to let go but I had to. You weren't mine and you cannot be.

So tonight when I went into my room, it smelled of rain, I lied down and thought about holding you like there were no walls between my bed and the downpour, And tonight I will fall asleep forgetting about this, waking up to stark sunlight, fulfilling the day without you. Always without you.

Making time

I have deadlines to beat and two shooting days to go for a full-length and a short, with the latter in budget-related disaster.

I also have pending distributing tasks for my last full-length and I am in 5-digit deep debt, with pride being a huge factor.

And I realized, it still hurts. Both do. I can handle things better now though, I just need more time. Both for myself and with other people.