Me today

I should be working right now but instead, I feel like writing poetry though no topic comes to mind. Like I know how to write poetry. Right.

Homeland Season 3 has been brilliant so far. Not as brilliant as the first two seasons but it comes close. Why can't they kill Brody already? And I ship Quathison so much. And I need a Saul in my life. And for the love of all things holy, Carrie Mathison, I hate that I can relate with something so far-fetched.

The things we do everyday, do they make sense? Why am I here? I shouldn't be. I should be making something out of something else not trying to make something but looking for something else.

Sometimes I'd rather be staying here, at home, dreaming of being out there so that when I'm out there I would be experiencing it fully, mind, body, and soul, than being out there but dreaming of being at home.

I will be trying to get back on track for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working on the event. I know I still have too much on my plate considering that I've already given up a lot but hey, one day at a time. I'm not in a hurry. Everything beautiful is made from easy, slow, gentle loving. I don't agree in the "rock n' roll" ways of getting things done. It just has to be fun and of course full of whole lotta loves.

So maybe you can say that I'm in a good mood. I really have to start working. FOCUS.

I promise this is my last post for tonight

Together

We ran away

Leaving this World

the Love, the Hurt, the Dirt.

We made our Own.

Something not in any word

Our gold and silver pieces

The rush of water, our fountain;

and the soft hum unknown

Pulling back

forevermore and only to us

the gentle strokes

Silently

where secrets are felt

and the skin whispers
eluding Time

Nightmares

My mood today is relatively okay as is the past few days but I've been having nightmares again. Also, I feel like I'm near the brink of depression again so good luck to my week.

Two weeks ago I crashed. Two Fridays ago, it was so intense I thought I was going to go crazy. The last time I felt that way was I think summer of this year. So I forced myself to go on a short break and went home to my parents. Things became better after that so now I'm just waiting for the next bout with depression.

I hope I survive this week. Just too much on my plate.

And I hope I get some money soon. Whew.

impossible

i want to reach out to you
hold you
stroke your face
but i'm too ashamed
of myself and what i did

on the other hand,
i'm too scared
that if i let pride win this
i would lose you forever

i thought i didn't believe in regrets

Back to Basics

The last time I got mad, as in my type of mad was when I was still with C. After months of being stable, albeit not without its imperfections, I got mad again when I was with C again. We weren't together anymore but I was with him when it happened and consequentially, was also because of something he did. Without my noticing, I have stayed mad for well over a month.

Thanks to retrograde, I allowed myself time to think back and reflect on my attitude. I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to go back to what and who I was during those in-between months. I want to be zen, albeit not without its imperfections.

I don't like what I've become so I'm choosing the better. I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt during the past month. To everyone I've scolded, everyone I've said hurtful words to, everyone I've given the cold shoulder. I want to be better.

I have neglected a lot of things and a lot of feelings. I'm going to be better. I will do this.

I want to write everyone a letter. So maybe I would.

----

Dear FBI,

Ang dami kong naiisip nitong mga nakaraang araw at na-realize ko na hindi talaga naging maganda ang aktitud ko sa maraming bagay simula pa noong nakaraang buwan. Marami akong napabayaan at nakalimutan. Higit pa sa gawain, nakaligtaan ko ang higit na dapat pinakabibigyang-halaga, ang mga tao.

(Mahabang kuwento. You can TLDR this part.) Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon ng "pag-aayos" at "pagpapagaling" nung summer, bumalik ako sa QC (as in the place) nang buong-buo at stable naman, though hindi perpekto. Feeling ko naman bumalik ako non sa bahagi ng sarili ko na mas gusto ko. Napanindigan ko naman yun for a time. Haha. Ilang buwan din akong steady, hindi nagagalit sa kahit na kanino o kahit ano, maganda ang attitude towards life, hindi malala ang mood swings, wala ring episodes, until naging toxic ang buhay ko nung September at, di ko naman maikakaila, nagkaproblema ulit kami ni Carlo, bukod pa sa halu-halo at marami pang ibang mga bagay. Hindi na ulit ako nakabangon mula don, ngayon ko lang naisip, nang magkaroon na ng kahit papaano ay konting pahinga. Lagi na akong iritable, puro trabaho, stressed, toxic bilang tao, at sa isang banda, 'yung pangit na ugali ng pagiging adik sa GTD (Getting Things Done).

Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa lahat kung hindi naging maganda ang asal ko at lagi na lang naka-focus sa katuparan ng mga bagay-bagay. Sorry kung hindi ko kayo nakakamusta o kung nakakamusta ko man kayo ay kinulang sa pakikinig dahil bumaba na nang bumaba ang EQ ko. Tangina lang. Salamat din sa pasensya,  nandyan pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon.

(GM up to this part only)

B,

Wait, biglang wala akong masabi.

Rob,

Salamat sa pagiging parating andyan! Bukod sa mga araw na bumo-boyfriend duties ka. (Hiwalayan mo na kasi.) (Joke lang.)

I'm back in my comfort zone

I need this time to just be. This is the most peaceful as I can get these days so there. And anyway, I missed Bumblebee. A laptop still feels like a laptop, temporary. It's not for long writing sessions. I can babble about not being able to use public computers for as long as I can remember because I just couldn't. I thought it was because I felt like my privacy was being invaded but I just realized that it was more than that, there's an attachment and feeling of familiarity and comfortability blah, blah, blah...

Anyway.

Remember F? I wrote a creative non-fic prose (and a bunch of other stuff) about him. I intended to chronicle the events as they happened but wasn't able to because, again, laptop. So now that I'm back on my reliable desktop, I think what I would really like to say is that I miss him.

I know that we weren't meant to last a long time but I miss him way more than I thought I would. It even hurts quite a bit. Also, I know that it was my fault. I would like to tell him that I'm sorry for being the bipolar that I am and that I miss him and that I like him, I really do like him but I can't do that anymore. It's too late. All I can do now is hope that when we see each other again, I will be able to hold him tight and he'll know.

All Saints' Day

Why is this day for saints anyway when it's about remembering the dead?

"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." -Mr. Carson, Downtown Abbey, S04E04

"What matters isn't the fact of dying or when you die. It's what you're doing at that precise moment.” -Le Herisson (2009)

"We always think there's going to be more time. Then it runs out." -The Walking Dead, S01E06

And that Dumbledore quote about having a well-organized mind.

Happy All Saints' Day, it is.

Hello Wednesday

I broke down last night. C called and was bugging me to tell him what happened. Being as he is, he pushed me to an episode. I cried the hardest in a long time and couldn't breathe.

I need more time for myself, to reflect and heal. I am seriously mad at C but I can't do anything. I hate him with all my heart.

I'm not sure what my mood is today but my body hurts and I don't want to move. Well, I guess I haven't gone back up yet.

Cortisol

I was in an intensely foul mood from Sunday to yesterday. Today, I'm still easily annoyed but don't have the will to move. I'm supposed to go for a run but I feel so lazy.

i told myself i'll write tonight

then again, i also told myself i'll take a shower before i go to bed

Intensity 7.2

The past few days have been unbelievably crazy. I miss having a steady life.

I miss F. and talking with M. And flirting with B.

Murphy's Law

I miss you. I like you. Please talk to me. And I am allowed to be pathetic because it's Thursday and I'm depressed.

I have a shoot in about 4 hours and I want to go to sleep but I can't because I'm in someone else's house. Dman, I'm tired. It's so hard to be tired when you're down. And you're always tired when you're down.

I WANT TO TAKE A NAP. HUHUHUHU.

Down Again

Pagod na pagod na akong maging bipolar. Eto na naman ako, masakit ang katawan, inaantok, wala na namang silbi. Kailangan kong labanan pero hindi ko kaya. Napabayaan ko na naman ang sarili ko.

Pagkatapos nito, promise, back to healthy living and getting proper sleep. And the weather isn't helping at all. It's been raining the whole day. Oh, summer, kahit gaano kahirap ang pakiramdam ng init mo I'd still choose you over a depressing rainy day.

Tangina, ang sakit. Bakit n'ya kailangang gawin sa 'kin 'to? Kupal. Tangina, ang kupal.

Di ko naman sinasadya, e. Nainis lang naman ako sa nalaman ko kaya ko nagawa o nasabi 'yon.

I think these feelings would kill me.

WTF, grow up

Because then again, two can play this game. :)

Luke Mejares

Last week was a lot of good things. F and some friends slept over, then there was that fun and easy event, then there was Boho with friends, and sleeping all day then QC edit, and F sleeping over, then R and B coming over. As expected, this week's something else entirely

Marami pa akong gagawin ngayong araw pero kailangan ko lang talaga munang mag-clear ng utak.

Napapagod na ako magtrabaho. Hindi nauubusan ang pagkakagastusan. Gusto ko munang mag-focus sa mga personal projects ko. Ayoko na munang may mabigat na dinadala. Hirap na hirap na rin akong mag-cope. Para ako parating may hinahabol, nakakahingal.

At oo, medyo nasaktan ako kay F. Kung bakit ba naman kung kelan nagdedesisyon na akong ibukas ang sarili ko sa isang tao ay bigla na lang nagkakaroon ng sabit. Sayang ang ininvest, gaano man kaliit. Sana hanggang doon na lang 'yon, sana 'wag na akong bumigay. Uulit-ulitin ko na lang sa utak ko kung bakit nga ba ayaw ko na ulit sa kanya. Bigla talagang nagbago ang ihip ng hanging kagabi pagkatapos n'yang ikwento ang nangyari sa kanila pagkatapos ng shoot. Nakaririmarim. So ngayon hinahanap-hanap ko na naman si B, gusto kong magpa-comfort. TANGINA NITO. Bakit ngayon pa kasi? Pero buti na lang pumunta ako doon kagabi, mabuti at nalaman ko. Shet. Buti na lang hindi ako pumayag makipag-sex noong nakaraan. Shet. Ugh, ang dumi.

Kinakabahan talaga ako sa QC. Sana ma-pull off. As in the bad kind of kaba. Baka masyado akong nagmamadali at nangangarap na naman nang mataas.

Fuck heartbreaks. Akala ko okay na 'ko, vulnerable pa rin pala. Kailangang mag-ingat. Hello, A, ikaw na lang ang pinakamagaan sa lahat. I hope to see you pagkatapos ng lahat ng shit na 'to.

I NEED TO RUN.

Kailangan ko na sigurong magsimulang magtrabaho.

Unang Araw

should i give up or should i keep on chasing pavements

Because Heartbroken

He doesn't like me, at all. He said so himself.

I also don't feel anything romantic towards him but it's also definitely not completely platonic.

Our shoot got packed up. I am disappointed as FUCK times ten.

Keri yan. Kaya pa rin yan. Wooooo

tangina, hindi ko na kaya, ang hirap

Ano ba 'tong buhay na pinasok ko? Nananahimik ako sa isang sulok, e.

Gusto ko 'to, 'di ba? Ginusto ko 'to. LET'S GO, DEE!!! PEEDEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Tameme Thursdays

There. Are. Just. Too. Many. Things. To. Do.

How to Survive Life with Only P100: An Autobiography

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