ttfn, life

men di ko alam kung ano tong pinapasok ko
medyo desperado lang talaga sa pera putangina
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what is happiness

i am broke. flat broke. i have nothing to pay my bills. and i'm lost. this is new to me again. i want to shave my head. i can't even afford a haircut. i can't even afford my own food.

but i feel so content because of the people around me. i know i should still face the realities of life but truth is, i like it like this. i don't care about money. i want to stay like this.

but i that this is temporary. the day will come that the people i am with now will no longer be there whenever i yearn for a walk in the campus or a smoke in my room or a drink in Sarah's. time will come they will move on and I would still be stuck here until I've found new people to do these things with.

so i need to move. i need to move fast. slow is okay. steady is ideal. but it's not reality.

darating yung araw na wala nang gustong makipagtrabaho sa kin

hello

ito ang hassle sa pagiging inlab. lagi kang sumusuko. laging masakit.

walang inlab na hindi naghirap.

hindi ko malaman kung ano bang lagay ko.
mukha kasi talagang wala na.

ang loser ko.

Sure, right now is shitty. Today is shitty. The past couple of weeks have been shitty. But I look back to my 25 years of existence and think, Not bad. Not bad at all.

Quarter of a life

So I guess that was it, my first 25 years on this earth. Do I regret anything? I'm not sure. It's hard to say when you just lost your job for no good reason, just a state of being bipolar and irresponsible.

When I first found out I was bipolar, I lived it. I consciously did. Later on, I realized that I shouldn't. Because it doesn't define me. Then I forgot. I forgot that I had to take care of myself. That I would go overboard if I wasn't careful. So this is the lesson of my 25th birthday. Tread lightly and carefully.

Maybe I'll find a way out of this; I usually do.

I need a routine. I need to be healthy again.

Habagat

Maraming may kabuluhan sa mundong ito. ngunit wala na sa mga natatanaw ko. At one point naisip ko na lang, bakit kasi nakabukas ang electric fan?! Bumangon ako at pinatay ko ito. Hindi na masyadong maginaw.

Aww, I miss my almost-roommate, G.

Parang walang masaya sa mga lalaki sa buhay ko na palagi kaming magkasama lately ni G. Hindi ko masyadong gets.

vomit

Hiling ko ang araw-araw na ikaw
Sa pagbukang liwayway at sa pagdilim ng mga ulap
Umaapaw, dumadaloy, tumatagos

Nais ko ang araw-araw na ikaw
Titignan pa rin kita nang katulad ng paminsan-minsan
May yapos, matagal, nagsusumamo

Kabisado ng puso ko ang tulang isinulat mo
kasabay ng mga tingin at pagbagsak ng mga paa tuwing tumatakbo
ang lahat bukod sa oras
Hinihiling na sana sa akin
tulad ng bagong liwanag sa iyong mukha, gaan sa iyong hakbang,
at kung hindi man ay sa buwan

Kung hihilingin ko ang araw-araw na ikaw
pagbibigyan mo kaya
tatanggapin mo kaya ang araw at isisiksik
sa bag na puno
(mga bulsang lumolobo)
---
(bahala na kung makita n'ya 'to mukha lang psycho char)

hindi ko na kayang maging ganito habang buhay. at some point susuko rin ako, ba't 'di pa ngayon?

i don't even  have the strength to kill myself. gusto ko lang humilata at maging lantang gulay.

FL

hindi pup'wede
dahil kayang ibigin
nang walang hanggan

Para kay B ulit

Ang hindi ko maintindihan ay kung bakit ngayon pa. Oo, impatweyted na nga yata ako. Naiisip kita 24/7. Oo, kahit marami akong ginagawa. At oo, kahit sabi ng utak ko hindi pwede. Simula nung tuluyan kaming naghiwalay ni C, marami akong naging, hindi ko alam, "boylet'? Fine, hindi marami--mga tatlo. Tatlo and something something kung i-ca-count ko 'yung mga naka-flirt at nakalimutan na. Pero ngayon lang 'tong bagong pakiramdam na 'to. Hindi ko masabing matindi, mas intense, o mas malalim, pero masasabi kong iba.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan na dati pa kitang kilala pero ngayon lang 'to umusbong. Oo, umusbong talaga. Infatuated ako. Hindi lang crush, at hindi pa siguro pag-ibig. Hindi pa pag-ibig ngunit kaya ko nang ma-imagine ang kinabukasang may pag-ibig.

Ano kayang mga pag-uusapan natin? Anong magiging paboritong kainan? Masarap ka sigurong yakapin at halikan sa pisngi. Paano kaya tayo mag-aaway? Hindi yata kita kayang awayin kahit kailan. Ano kayang mga papanoorin natin? Babasahin? Pakikinggan? Magugustuhan mo pa rin kaya ako kapag nalaman mo ang tunay na ako at totoong kasaysayan ko? Paano kaya tayo kapag may episode ako? May episodes ka rin kaya? Kung meron man, aalagaan lang kita at hahagkan.

Susubukan kong gawin lahat, gagalingan ko, aayusin ko na ang trabaho ko, maging patuloy lang ang pagka-steady ng buhay ko, dahil sa ngayon, masaya ako kung nasaan ako. Masaya ako sa pasulyap-sulyap mong presensya sa bawat linggo ko. Ngunit hanggang doon lang.

Dapat hanggang doon lang. Dahil hindi pwede. Walang pag-ibig na pwedeng mabuo. Dahil kumplikado. Dahil baka hindi mo ako gusto. O kung gusto mo man ako, hindi tayo papahintulutan ng trabaho. Hindi ko kayang isipin ang kinabukasang wala ka, gaano man kadalang na nandyan ka. Kaya ganito na lang. Hanggang dito na lang.

Para kay B

wala akong masyadong naaalala
mula sa nakaraang gabi
bukod sa masaya ako
at kasama kita

W, F, W. F, lang ang kitaan
ngunit parating sulit
busog
maraming mabilis at mailap

B

sana totoo na lang ang mga tingin
may kahulugan na lang ang mga tawa
para sa 'yo aaralin ko ang gitara
haharanahin ka ng damdaming
hindi masabi

who am i

i think i'm deeply infatuated with someone

maybe i'm just saying this because i'm manic but on the other hand, i have also liked him since the first moment we met.

i'm very confident when it comes to approaching other guys, but this one's different. i just can't bring myself to make a move. i am very, very attracted.

i know.

xxMNL

morning texts

I woke up this morning to my girl friend JN's call. Her car was in coding so she had to wait until 10am before she could go home. She called to ask if we could hang out at my place. After I hung up the phone with Jenine, I noticed 5 new messages. Lo and behold, apparently,both F and HuBu were texting me, asking where I was.

I've got nothing to say.

Boys

I'm starting on medication again tonight. Why my doctor prescribed Risperidone is beyond me. This shit's expensive i.e. P100 per tablet! Well, if it helps, right?

I'm confused about F.

This was our text convo:

Me: psst.
F: Po
Me: takas tayo.
F: San punta
Me: ewan ko. haha. kahit saan.
F: What time?
Me: di ko alam. pag tinamad ako bukas na lang. hehe. text kita. anong oras ka ba pwede?
Me: uy, by the way, *insert blah blah work related stuff blah blah*
F: *blah work related reply blah*
Me: *blah blah work* punta kang bahay mamaya. :D
F: San un
Me: *insert apartment's location*
no reply
Me: *blah blah work* nexf fime na lang tayo. tamad na ako lumabas. :)
F: Ha?
M: ha what?
Me: nevermind. posted the shoot sched na sa group. salams!

He was real busy while we were texting, he was in the middle of a theater production. No matter, this is how he always replies, na parang per word ang bayad sa text.

Ako ba 'yung malabo?

My chat convo with HuBu the other night was weird too.
JL hasn't happened yet and I don't think it will.

Time to move on to better things, or better boys.

It's not that I want a romantic or sexual relationship. I just want to hang out really. I just find myself missing having conversation and hanging out with guys. Don't get me wrong, I love my girl friends, especially my rommates. Really, I do. But I had already spent so much time of my life being really close to guys, and anyway, I'd be feeling the same way about girls had I been living with guys.

I want guy friends! Huhu.

Uphill Battles

Can this day get any worse?

I need my meds. Bad.

I was starting to "lighten up". Talking with my roommates. Until I tripped on the electric fan's wire which caused a short circuit and blah and blah and blah.

I am bound to fail in life.

Maybe I need to sleep this off?

We'll see.

Okay, I tried. Also crashed, and burned.

I'm not sure if I should text F. Or do I not like him that much?

We'll see tomorrow, we'll see. I'm sure I can get through one more night.

And I just remembered, loads to do this week. Gaddemit Part 725547.