A really, really bad case of headache.

...............................................................................................................

What is this mood!

I'm not sure if my mania is coming down or I'm just having a mixed mood. I might be on the brink of another depressive episode and I don't want to go there yettt.  Well, anyway, I find it easier to control my depressive mood anyway rather than my mania. But nooo, there's still so much to do. :(

I had to go out Thursday night because we had an event and as expected, I didn't handle my mood very well. I skipped dinner, therefore also skipping lithium. Got drunk. Puked twice. Fought with one of my closest friends. Went on a ranting spree with another one. That's when I decided to take my lithium despite my empty stomach.

I lost my bag on the same night, which contained a notebook, my cellphone, a shirt, and all my meds, among other things. I brought my meds because I was expecting that I would spend the night at my friends' house. Now I have to ask for a prescription for my clonazepam again. And I would have to explain to my doctor that I was drunk that's why I lost them. Ugh.

Then I lost my wallet yesterday. I KNOW. I am so fucked up. I went to the Toe concert last night and it was awesome. But truth is, during the first half of the show I was really into it but then got really distracted after that. I couldn't focus and thoughts were racing in my head. I was hungry and thirsty and I wanted to get out of there but I also didn't want to miss the show. I'm glad I stuck around. It was worth it.

I haven't taken lamotrigine for three days and maybe that's what's causing my mood today. But I also feel still riled up and annoyed with the world, but not as energetic and high.

Well, as I'm typing this I just shouted at my 9-year old brother because he was being a bully. I know I shouldn't have snapped at him. So I guess mania hasn't come down yet. I feel really, really bad inside though. My chest feels so heavy.

I have to cool my head. I need some smokes! It's 4/20 after all. ;)

Four Years Lost

I just want to write this all down before I take my "calming pill".

I should have listened to my gut four years ago and gave up on that relationship as early as then. This much I can say now: I should have listened to my friends.

Two years ago should have been enough indication that all of this would end badly. If I didn't had the change to end it four years ago, two years ago was my second chance. I tried to. To no avail. I still ended up running back to him. I don't even want to remember that year. It was the shittiest. Sometimes I think that my mood disorder would not have gotten this worse if it weren't for that relationship. Yes, I really do think so.

At present, my friends opinion of him still has not changed. They are still telling me to stay away from him. I know that they're right. He's more destructive than helpful to my well-being. The graver effects are not worth the momentary feelings of happiness. I just didn't (and still don't) know what to do about it.

I don't expect people to empathize with me, given the stigma and all. I don't give a fuck if they're there in times of distress or whatever. But when I told him that I had a bipolar disorder I was hoping to get a little empathy, a bit of concern. I didn't receive any. He hasn't even as much as Google the thing. And I know this for sure because I know him that much.

Now I can't get those four years back. I have to live with this disorder that is now worse than ever. And I have to live with it alone.

Some life.

I think too much

I'd like to go on a ranting spree about my personal life but I'll postpone that for now. Maybe I would go out after all. Or maybe not. Man, I don't know.

I'm known for standing up people all the time but I want to change that. Problem is, I also know it wouldn't be healthy to go out. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Are the meds working?

My night is ruined.

I was supposed to go out. I have plotted tonight in my calendar weeks back. Now I don't think it would be a good idea to go. My ex has just been here in our house. It didn't do anything but just aggravate my already uncontrollable mood.

I am trying to level my emotions and gauging if I can do something to reverse the situation. Good thing I am still able to control myself. Other days I would just go out and get wasted. But insight and acceptance is important. I have accepted my illness and I want to get better. I keep telling myself this but right now all I really want to do is go out, drink some and then a lot.

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Insomnimania

I don't want to go to sleep yet. I really don't. There are so many things I want to do. I want to take advantage of all my excess energy to create something. But I have to remind myself that in order to get better I must make healthy choices. Staying up all night will only make my mania worse. Oh, bother. So, yep, I'm taking that thing, and will let it do what it does and lull me to sleep.

When I thought I was getting better

I was feeling very intense again today. Good thing I had an appointment set with my doctor. I went with my mother. I would have had it otherwise but my doctor insisted that I bring her with me. And because I trust my doctor and I really do want to get better, I obliged.

The day started well. I was in a good mood. Too good to be true actually. I started to doubt my mood because mornings like that usually do not end well. And right I was. I was speeding myself through work after work that I skipped lunch and then realized that I was late for my appointment so my mom and I hurried our way to my doctor. We were on our way when I started to get really irritated. There were too many people. The weather was too hot. And I actually shouted at someone who stepped on my foot on the train. I tried to calm myself down really bad. I was feeling really agitated I thought my chest would burst.

Of course I told my doctor about today's mood. My lithium dosage was upped and was given a new medication to help me get to sleep. I really hope this works.

I was supposed to go to QC because it's a close friend's birthday but decided against it. My doctor also advised that I skip it. So I texted my "best friend" that I couldn't go. I finally told her that I have bipolar disorder. She couldn't believe it at first and later on, I guess when she finally got over it, she told me that she's a little mad that I have been avoiding talking to her. I would have told her I was sorry except that I wasn't really feeling up to that kind of conversation.

My ex and I are working on some projects together so I have no choice but to talk to him time after time. When I was talking to him on the phone this afternoon, he got agitated. I was asking for updates and I was trying really hard to calm myself down so that my mood is not heard over the phone. But when he sounded irritated while talking to me, it really pissed me off. Here I was, trying my best to control my mood and he didn't seem to even care about that.

Then he called again tonight to ask about something he should already know the answer to. I wanted to throw my phone on the wall.

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Man, I hate this mood.

Monday Fail

I'm doing a Facebook page analysis for work and I don't know where to start.

I had a mild anxiety attack earlier today, by the way. My doctor advised that I discontinue escitalopram as it might have been causing the anxiety.

Had a vivid dream again last night. I was grinding my teeth again.

I really should go to bed now.

I hope things magically become better in the morning.

Right.

Only Bipolar Owl understands.

Harvey Specter

I just spent the whole weekend watching Suits and instead of feeling guilty that I didn't get to do any real work, I'm happy. I'm relieved that I finally get to enjoy little things like this again.

I still get ticked off but they're not as bad and it has only happened twice since Thursday. I dreamt last night, it wasn't as exhausting as the usual but I was grinding my teeth again.

Now I just have to find my momentum again and work harder than I have ever had, because it all comes down to me now, no more extra energy from the mania.

New meds #2

There's a bit of anxiety. But my sleep the past two nights have been really deep, without any dreams.

Mania yesterday started to seep in at around 8:30 in the evening. Instantly felt relaxed after I took meds.

I just have to monitor this anxiety. I'm not sure if it's anxiety or it's just the mood overpowering the meds.

And man, friends make me anxious. I'm so stressed with the thought of having to maintain relationships with people. At this moment, I'd really rather be alone.

New meds

I feel weird. It's like my whole body is being tickled from the inside. I feel good but at the same time I feel like laughing at everything but at the same time it's different from the feeling of being high on weed.

A little bit of humor goes a long way

I handed my mom a pamphlet about bipolar disorder that my doctor gave to me.

She read aloud, "Two Sides of Self-Identity."

Then an awkward silence...

We burst out laughing.

Good times.

Scenarios

I was thinking about bipolar disorder and how it does not define a person. I thought about the different reactions that different people might have. This is all for fun, of course. :D

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Tell me something I don't know.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: Can I have something cooler? Can I, can I? Pretty, pretty please?

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: God, I can't wait to tell Takumi andl the Colonel.*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *starts sobbing*

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: I don't think so.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: A-ha! I won!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: That is the best worst best worst best worst news.

Doctor: It seems to me that you have a bipolar disorder.
Patient: *thinks about a  hundred other scenarios*
--

*A Looking for Alaska reference. Takumi and the Colonel are Alaska's bestfriends.

Brochure

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong, recurrent illness. But there are various ways in which you can still lead a full life. Some suggessti... Bipolar ... lifelong, recurrent illness ... Bi..po..lar ... disorder ... a lifelong ... illness ... recurrent illness ... LIFELONG ... RECURRENT ... a l..i..f.....e.....long....rec...urre...nt... lifelong.... recur...ren...t...ill.n..e..s...s...

So tired

Man, I'm so tired. Each part of my body aches.

My manic state's getting worse.

Man.

Not Helping

Goddammit, may ex is an insensitive bastard.

I don't know how it happened but for some fucking reason he and my bestfriend saw each other last night and he told my bestfriend why we broke up. He told her this in front of someone we also know. I don't know what he said and it doesn't even matter what he said but WHO DOES THAT?

Am I not even allowed to mourn this shit through?

Are people always going to come up to me saying that my ex told them about what happened and blah and blah?

Why wouldn't he just focus on his own fucking problems than feeling the need to buzz people up all the time looking for someone to drink with, smoke with, and talk with?

As if telling me that I'm over reacting would help. Really. When did that kind of attitude help with any situation?

I wish people in the world would stop talking for a fucking while and start listening.

Crushed

I'm a mess. And no, fuck no, it's not going to be okay.

A Snack Shack realization

Stories about hustling weed. taking shrooms, and visiting locked up friends. These are the things I don't want hearing everyday for the rest of my life. It was a good reminder that there's no room for thinking twice, I'm on the right  track, I just need to move on a steadier pace. How do you get out of the labyrinth again? That's right, straight and fast.

In case you do not get it, that's a "vague" right there. Okay, Imma shut up now.

Morning music is my bestfriend, cheering me on.

Mood: stressed, freaking out, ready to give up

Physical status: has a head-splitting migraine, nauseous, sleep-deprived

Emotional status: all over the place

Mind: perfect, creative, and objective

Today's going to be a long day and I need to get my mood sorted and get a better grip of myself.

I can do this. You know why? Because I'm awesome.

You can do it!

Tiis-tiis, ipon-ipon. No eating out, no movie houses, no buying of any gadgets. Commute everyday, work harder, skip summer. You'll get there, baby, you'll get there.