TTFN MNL

Truth is, I'm nervous. It's a bit scary to be going away for five days with people who are practically strangers. And really, this is not the best time of the month, if you know what I mean. Buuuut I shall make the most out of this. I shall have fun.

I shall not think (much) of the people and friendships I miss. I shall leave all my worries and baggage behind. I shall take a time off (while working, of course) from all of this, whatever this is. I shall not bitch about anything. I shall find inner peace.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Not with a fizzle, but with a bang

Know what, if you don't want to be my friend, fine. I just have to make the most of what's left of my life now. Meet new people, work hard, see new places, keep things positive.

I'm not going to do what I used to: avoiding confrontations, escaping, carrying a heart of hard, cold stone. This time I'm not going to stop giving a fuck. I'm not unfriending anyone and I won't roll my eyes when I hear your names. What I'm going to do is I'm going to stop doing things my way.  I know where I went wrong and it's up to me to make things right. I'm going to try to be nicer and happier.

I hope that eventually this would make me a  better person and friend.

"Inner peace."

❝ I WILL NOT RESENT, I WILL NOT BLAME YOU, FOR YOUR CALLOUSED HEART, SOMETIMES THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO CONTINUE. …BUT I WILL KEEP FEELING, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME, BECAUSE APATHY IS NOT LIVING ❞ -Renee Yohe

Playing Catch-Up with Thyself

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, cowgirl. Next thing I know you'll be flying to London trying your luck as a high-class call girl.

But I like it fast. I get a certain high when life twirls me around and drives me crazy. I just came back from Tarlac two days ago out of a spontaneous "raket" and I'm leaving again on Monday for Camarines Sur for the Ad Congress.

Maybe this is really what I should be doing--that is, not settling. Who was I kidding when I went for the normal, boring life? I know it wouldn't work out well for me but I wanted to give it a try. I'll probably give it a try again in a few months as even I can't predict my whims. Yes, whims. I am used to acting on whims. Going to different places, doing different things, earning, and not saving. I like it bohemian, like you.

So for now, I will deprive myself of rest and Imma live it fast. And because I don't have to answer anybody I'll get all the rest (and partying) I want and need when I get back. Maybe.

Warning: RAAAAANT

Ito 'yung isa mga panahong gustung-gusto ko lang talagang umamats. Ang dekadente at ang junkie pakinggan pero, wala e, live fast and die young. That was the plan, at least. Anong nangyari, D?

Sobrang fucked up ng 2011. Sobrang daming masasalimuot na pangyayari na pinilit ko namang ayusin, pero mukhang may mga bagay na ganoon na lang talaga. Sabi ko nga gusto ko na lang sana ng normal at boring na buhay pero mukhang hindi na ipagkakaloob sa 'kin 'yun unless bitawan ko lahat ng bagahe at magsimula ulit. As in simula.

Sa tingin ko kaya ko naman kung tutuusin. Ang mawala sa 'kin lahat ng 'to? Hindi ko ikamamatay. Sa umpisa siguradong mahirap, pero alam kong kaya naman. Nasa paggawa ng kondisyon naman 'yan. Ang iniisip ko lang naman ay ang mga taong involved.

Unang-una si L (see previous posts), mabait lang talaga s'yang tao. Pinagsisisihin n'ya 'yung nangyari sa 'min. Hindi kaya ng pagkatao (at pride na rin siguro) n'ya na mayroon s'yang hindi kasundong tao sa mundong ito kaya rin nagkabati kami agad. Masyado s'yang pa-cool para maging kupal sa taong walang ginawa kundi maging mabait sa kanya. Oo, pa-cool din s'ya. Masaya na s'ya sa  kanyang perfectly crafted little world ngayon, bakit ko pa guguluhin? Maging accessory na lang ako at maging kaibigan sa kung anong paraang convenient sa kanya.

Pangalawa si C, hindi naman madaling iwan na lang basta-basta ang taong nakasama mo na sa langit at lusak nang mahigit dalawang taon. Mahal ko rin naman 'yung tao. At hindi ko ma-imagine kung ano kaya ang mga kaya n'yang gawin kung sakaling iwan ko s'ya. Alam kong sisirain n'ya rin ang lahat. Kung lalayo ako sa kanya, makabubuting lumayo na ako sa lahat.

Sabi ng marami kong kaibigan, hindi na maibabalik sa dati. Hindi na rin magbabago pa patungo sa mas mabuti. Magiging ganito na lang ka-kumplikado palagi kaya mas mabuti pang palayain ko na lang ang sarili ko. At least sarili ko man lang maisalba ko.

Sana sila na lang ang maunang sumuko. Sana magalit na lang sila sa 'kin at 'wag na 'kong kibuin. Hindi ko kayang kusang lumayo.

The Devil Can't Afford Prada

Gera? Slash that.
Palawan? Nah.
Backpacking in Aurora? Meh.

My last day at work was supposedly last Thursday and they swore they would release my pay the day after, but since they practically begged me to stay until today so I can "train" the new EAs, I did not get a cent. It was unfair and, needless to say, illegal (Hello, Labor Code?) but I thought, sure, fine, let's do this, just one last favor and I am out of here.

Today I just found out that they won't be giving my almost two months worth of pay until the 15th. "Baka 15."  was the exact reply I got. Holy jeebus crust motherfudge! I am so infuriated I can't even begin--

My own anger isn't enough to express how angry I should be. So just empathize and be angry with me. Maybe all our anger will harness all the forces in the land and the cosmos, and create a ray-gun that would destroy corporate greed along with my, ehem, horrible bosses. But as I do not believe in karma, someone has to do something about this. Maybe I will, when I'm not too lazy.

In the meantime, be angry with me.

Dahil sa Totoo Lang, Ayokong Pumasok Bukas

Last night was a warm-up for my week-long (or two-week-long?) gera. Did what I usually did. Drank and took whatever. But I am proud to say that I did everything with grace (or close enough, at least). I think I've had enough of walwalan. Honestly, it's more fun when you don't have to crawl your way into the restroom and  try to barf into the toilet bowl only to miss. I am also proud to announce that it was a sin-free night. Tralalalalalalala. Oh, I missed this.

But anyway, I still have to go back to work tomorrow. Else, they won't give me my pay. Fucking unbelievable. They were even expecting me to transcribe a two-hour interview over the long weekend. Mukha n'yo, hello? Hindi ko nga ginawa.

Leaving that company might just have been the wisest decision I made this year..

AYOKONG PUMASOK BUKAS, NYETA.

Gera II

Dear ever-loyal diary,

I declare the next two weeks to be my summer and post-birthday celebration (my umpteenth celeb since my real birthday on August). And you know what happens during the summer. Plus I will be able to do anything since it's my 'birthday.' Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's gera time once again.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the freak show.

A whole lotta love,
23 but none the wiser

Midnight Blue Pill on a Halloween Sunday

Tonight's MGB Halloween special makes me nostalgic about a lot of things and kind of makes me want to write about those memories too. But I won't. Hah.

My plans of going backpacking has long been overdue. And I can't even say that money is the problem. It's my budgeting... or just me, plainly. I always have too much fun in the city that I never really felt the need of taking a time off away from the "contemporary" life. Fine, in actuality, I get "walwal" and spend my money on "amats," whatever you may think it to be. Lately, though, I think I'm becoming too "makalat." I need to get a grip of myself and bring some peace into my life, no matter how temporary or false.

All I'm trying to say is, I'm planning a trip. But I'm still not totally sure if I'm going. Maybe I should, and maybe I need to. Maybe I miss being 20, or 21. Maybe I need to grow up. Because the more I get walwal the more I feel guilty the next day. The more I feel that it's not the same as two or three years ago, and it never will be. People around me have grown up. It's no longer 2010 when all of us were living la vie bohemme (a.k.a. bordering on being bums), and it's definitely not 2009 when all of us were... just out there. I have decided that 2012 should be different, it will not be about looking back on things that were. It should and will be something new.

I thought that I should start now.

Go backpacking.

Meet new people.

Get a new job.

C won't be back until around the 18th, so allow me to just consider this as a test. If we're still okay, in a sense, even after he gets back, then we are okay. If not, well, I just hope that we would be both happy wherever we may be come that time.

Come to think of it, moving on is like getting a tattoo. You've been obsessed with the idea of getting one for so long but never really gotten around to having it done. Right time comes when you finally decide that this is it, I'm getting one, even though you know it would hurt like hell, and you're scared that it would. But you're also excited about finally having it. In the middle of the session you might scream or cry, or even think about quitting the whole thing and just leave it hanging and unfinished. But you have to hang in there. Afterwards, when it's done, it's just pure bliss and satisfaction. It would itch every now and then for the first couple of weeks, reminding you of what you've been through to get that little new piece of joy. You don't regret anything. It was the wisest decision you've ever made.

Or I could be wrong and just babbling. We'll see.

Post-Job Post

I dare not let October reach its second half without ranting about it. Soooooo, (one of the best things about blogging, I can exaggerate spelllliiiiings) I have already handed in my two weeks notice today. Least to say, morning in the office was awkward. Though there are a lot of things I hate about the working conditions and environment in our company, my resignation still saddens me a teensy-weensy bit. Anyway, I would have helped them improve and develop their system of doing stuff had they been nicer. The super bosses are actually kind and cool, albeit sometimes unreasonably strict. It's the immediate supervisors I could not and would never stand, hence the resignation. (But I don't like to dwell on these kinds of things as I have changed a lot lately and now prefer to always move forward--without looking back.)

October has been very busy--as well as September, actually--and that's fine with me. I like it when time flies fast. What isn't fine is the salary I get. I already don't spend much at this rate because all I do is work. All I'm ever at is the office and my parents' house and the money I get still doesn't get me by. And I'm not being maarte. Life's been really tough for everybody and I've chosen the wrong time for this job. Everything's just so expensive these days that I can't afford to get jobs I actually, really, ultimately like. I have to choose the job I somehow like that also actually, really, ultimately pays.

 Varekai paid fairly, paid better than most even, but at that time there was actually a job offer from another company that was willing to pay even more. I didn't choose to get that job because my conscience, body, and soul would not allow me to trade the Varekai experience for anything else. But I think this job that I have now is worth trading. It's time to trade the experience for something worth more bucks because that's what my immediate needs dictate. It's a sad, sad world, people, where economics is the foundation of everything. I just hope it works out for me.

I need a job. Anyone?

Working with Magazines When She Doesn't Know How to Write

Somehow blogging doesn't feel to be an integral part of my life anymore lately. Maybe I should get a real blog. I made one but it's already been a month and there's still only one post in that white space. When I got this Editorial Assistant job, I was so messed up because I was so used to typing randomly (like what I'm doing now), following my well-scattered thoughts. Now that's not good when you're writing features. Now, blogging does not appeal to me because I get so O.C. that I always feel like I have to copyedit, I need to copyedit. So tonight, I thought I'd give it a try once again, blogging, writing aimlessly about what's in my head. See? There, I think I was able to do it. Put smiley here.

Mad with the World

I expect too much from this universe! HELLO, WORLD, WHY ARE YOU FAILING ME?! I mean, from all its wonders and for all its greatness, you'd think, there's something in there! There's something more than all this! But whyyyyyyyy? Why the repressive society? Why the fucking patriarchy? Why all this inequality, injustice, and last but not the least, stupidity still reigning over us since time immemorial? Isn't everything so obvious already? For the love of all things holy and beautiful, everything is so simple! We don't have to look for the answers, because we have them! All we have to do is... well, do something!

Oh, good goddess, am I to die in vain? Oh, hell and heaven, I digress.

I'm Fine

I have come to the conclusion that I now prefer to be alone than have people weighing me down. I enjoy the weekly social mingling, catching up (like I listen), and drinks, but nothing more than that. I refuse to fall into the trap again and sign the social contract they call friendship. I was Strawberry Shortcake for a while, and I just ended up being hurt. Never will I allow myself to get into that "feelings" game again, for I am here to rule the world. Welcome the crazy bitch back.

DQ

Drama Queen. I'm starting to become ma-drama again. It has something to do with C, yes. Label or no, I can't deny that at some level, we're back together. And sometimes I feel like I can't take it. I can't be loved. It's too unfair. I get hurt too much. And I end up hurting the partner even more. I'd rather grow old a cat-lady knitting sweaters for non-existent grandchildren.

Girl Anachronism

I don't think I can be with anyone in this lifetime. Mali lang talaga akong tao. Halaman. Cactus pa nga.

Mayabang Ako

Dahil sa totoo lang, naniniwala ako sa sarili ko. Bow.

In Other, More Important, Lighter News

I think I just discovered an alter-ego last Friday. It has been a while since I've allowed myself to go crazy and I wasn't expecting it to happen after a hard day's work when all I really wanted to do was be lazy and sleep.

Okay, it was a really shitty day and I thought a pop of V would help. And then of course I drank, which I don't do often anymore. Result: Dancing. Dancing, which, for your information, is an act I don't do much. I like the idea and yes, I like doing it but I do have an image to protect so I try to stay away from doing it in public as much as I can. By that I mean, to hell and high water, nobody can force me to dance when I don't feel like it. I can sway and move a little, but dance? No, siree, I don't do dancing. But it was a Friday night and in a normal, boring, conventional life, people get crazy on Friday nights. Being new to this normal, boring, conventional system of living, I fell into that trap. At some level, I am embarrassed, but, I also know that I had A LOT of fun. I just wish I looked better and was wearing better clothes that night. Ang arte ko. But really, someone dancing is only a spectacle if he or she looks good while doing it. Oh jeezus, my superficial first world westernized girl problems.

Maybe I really should get back to being an activist. Bumaliktad ang mundo. I'm the Inside-Out Girl now.

I Need My Anti-Depressants

What's happening to me is very unreasonable. I should be happy. I would be if I were normal. But I never was and I don't think I can ever be. A line from Joyce Carol Oates' novel I'll Take You There says it best: "I baptize thee in the name of ceaseless yearning, ceaseless seeking, and ceaseless dissatisfaction. Amen!"

On-This-Day-in-2010 Crappola

I was wondering what I was up to around this time of the year in 2010. According to my blog entries I was having a lot of fun. I was sad a lot of times, had problems with C and home and money but overall, I was crazy.  I was out there! I was actually out there living it.

I don't know what to come out of it all. That I am better off being crazy and living la bohemia? Or I've done most of it (if not all) and have had enough of youth so it's time to grow up now?

Home Early

I am home earlyyyyy! Isn't that supramagastic?! (Had to invent a new word to express my happiness.)

Okay, it's been a circus lately. Not the entertaining kind though. I think I've reached my goal of being normal and boring. I'd actually like it better if there were more money involved though. It will pay off, they kid. I am kidded. I have entrapped myself. No turning back now.

Past is Fast

Hi! Hello-- Excuse me. Gusto ko lang sabihin na napaka-insensitive mo. Pagkatapos ng lahat. Sobra ka na. Bahala ka na. Kebs. Babay.